Yes, O'Reilly?
You boys'll have to go to work early.
What are you going to do with him?
Well... I was going to name you Chief Surgeon... To consult on both shifts, yours and Frank's.
Stop him! Stop that man!
Now I got you for a witness, I'm going to try again. So far all I dragged out of him is he's from Bahston and he's only been in the Army two months. Where were you when they drafted you?
Home.
I mean, what were you doing? Were you a resident or on a staff someplace?
That's right.
Where?
Hospital.
Which hospital?
Back home.
Is there any reason why we shouldn't know the name of it?
Don't you use olives?
How you, Walt? We was just fixing to have a nightcap.
Miss you, Walt.
Pulse, slow, very little pressure.
Look at that right eye.
Epidural hematoma?
I don't know what else. You've been that route a little, haven't you?
She had this shiny black hair piled up on her head, but later on she let it hang loose and I'll be damned if it didn't come all the way down to her ass.
Okay, I'm a witness, but how do you prove who's right?
It certainly isn't Henry's fault Hot Lips Houlihan doesn't like her name.
Well, he's taken care of. Scratch one hot dog.
You really think we hurt him that bad?
Y'all mind the store.
Because is not democrash? All peoples created equal?
Hey, you been sneaking some reading outside the frigging Bible!
I have great interest for America, his peoples and his custom.
I don't think I should have opened my big mouth. Sorry, Ho-Jon.
You – must – open – me – up – again?
Thou. For Thou art with me. Welcome, welcome, welcome!
What the hell's going on here?
This is Ho-Jon, my houseboy. Our houseboy. I'm teaching him English.
But first will you please kindly shut the goddam door?
I don't believe it's right for you to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet...
The door, Frank, the door! Where you from anyhow, Alaska?
Wisconsin.
So long, Ho-Jon.
Us. Lead us not into...
What?
We got to stop them right here.
You mind if we get out of this guy's brain first?
What's there to do? You found the sliver.
There might be another tiny piece we missed. I want to look around before we close up.
My name's Hawkeye Pierce.
You got directions?
Ayuh, only it's early, I need a drink to wake me up.
Make it yourself, or is it real?
Georgia, where I come from, it's real if you make it yourself. But I been buying from the Yankee Government since they put me in this soldier suit and give me a rate.
Tax-free booze. It's about all you can say for army life.
Where you from with that crazy way of talking?
Crabapple Cove. Maine.
Damn! That must be about as far north as you can get.
Pretty near. What do you know about the outfit we're going to?
C.O. is Colonel Blake. Lieutenant Colonel Henry Braymore Blake. One of them regular army clowns. Push you around so it's hard to get any decent work done.
What's the initials 'MP' stand for, Hawkeye?
Must be the Famous Curb Service Whore – House. You in the market Duke?
Well, there it is. Jesus!
What do you think of that piece of scenery, Yankee boy?
Colonel Blake, have no fear. Hawkeye and Duke are here.
Little light reading matter. Just right for his age.
Well, southern boy, I suppose you want the sack that's convenient to the door.
This kid's ready but we won't know all the damage till we get in and see what's happened. What have you got?
Now that's what I call real pretty. We can close up here and go into his belly.
He can't take much more time on the table.
Christ Almighty, I think he means it!
We've stuck it out for a whole week now... Pretty girl.
No, Hawkeye just said it all.
Except we forgot one other small thing.
What's that?
The chest-cutter.
Yeah, that's right. You better get us a chest-cutter before there's trouble.
This outfit needs somebody who can find his way around the pulmonary anatomy when the bases are loaded.
Jesus to Jesus and eight hands around! Duke, did I ever tell you how I beat Dartmouth by intercepting a pass?
Sixteen times.
Must be Painlees Pole Day in the Shower Tent.
You met him. Walt Waldowski, the Dental Officer.
Best equipped dentist in the whole goddam Army. Care to have a look, a man with your background?
This kid looks like a loser. Maybe we better get the bead-jiggler to put in a fix.
And you've had a natural four times in a row in a crap game. Right? Does that mean...?
Not without lots of praying and kissing the dice. It's a different ritual but it works the same.
Y'all just act natural.
That there Frank Burns is a menace. Whenever a patient croaks on him it's either God's will or somebody else's fault.
Hail to the chief! We-all got a responsibility, men. He's crowned like a king ought to be, but he can't just walk to the Mess Hall by himself. He has to be carried by native bearers.
Never mind. Forget it.
When will he be able to write?
What's he got to write, for God's sake?
I guess that's why you go for Hot Lips Houlihan.
You know damn well I nearly puke when I look at her. I don't even think she's a real blonde.
How can you say a thing like that about an officer in the United States Army?
I not only say it, I'll back it up twenty buck's worth.
Where the hell we going to get us a football team?
Never heard of him.
Sure you have, only as 'Spearchucker' Jones.
How come nobody knows about him? And you do?
Now wait a minute, Hawkeye. I come a long way, learning to put up with a couple of crazy Yankees, but...
Look at the size of those two beasts.
Don't try to get it far down. Kick it up high so we can get there and surround that son-ofa-bitch.
Me, too. Y'all just seen me play my last game.
Henry's got our orders! We're going home!
When?
Any time. Whenever we want.
There's no transportation anyway this time of night.
We could steal one of the choppers.
I thought we were heading for trouble putting on all these trinkets.
We got to start rehabilitating, Duke, if we want to be halfway human by the time we get back to our wives.
But no short-arm inspection. I'm with you there.
Hell, man, that don't matter. We're loaded. We were big wheels in the black market in Seoul.
Let's hear from you, you goddam Yankee. Be nice to see you some time.
There's no point appealing to Colonel Blake. They've got him bewitched.
No. The only thing to do is write General Hammond. But it's hard to find a place around here for a private discussion.
I have a tent to myself.
People will talk.
I think it's a marvelous letter.
We're a good team.
We think the same way.
It's supper time. But you're not hungry are you?
Ravenous. What about you?
Well, sure, if you are, Margaret...
Godless buffoons, all of them.
It's that disrespect for you, that's what I can't forgive them.
Oh, I'm used to it. What makes me sore is how they behave towards you. They ought to be grateful to have you. I certainly am.
Frank...
Wait a second...
Is that liquor?
Give us this day our daily...
You ever caught this bread, and forgive our syndrome before, Duke?
...And for our young men on the field of battle, that they may return home to their dear ones...
Come clean with us, Frank. Were you on this religious kick back home, or did you start to crack up here on the post?
I was just asking...
If we had closer relations, there wouldn't be any misunderstandings. That's where a football game would help. Between your outfit and mine.
A football game?
Special Services in Tokyo are all for it. They say it's one of the main gimmicks we have to keep the American way of life going here in Asia.
But what about Major Houlihan?
You mean Hot Lips? Screw her.
The hell we won't! You bastards pulled something, I don't know what, but we've been beating you without him. Ane we'll go on beating you!
You willing to b-back that up with odds?
Gimme three.
At ease. Captain Pierce, you have a seriously wounded patient for whom you are responsible. Yet I find you in a poker game.
You betcher ass, Dad.
Pierce! That soldier requires immediate attention. I'm a surgeon and I know.
I'm going to play poker until three a.m. or until the patient is ready for surgery. However, if you'd like to operate on him yourself right now, be my guest. I get the same dough whether I work or not.
I want to talk to you, Pierce.
Now, General, I'm going to sandbag you. Do you think we're ready to get out of this belly?
Obviously you don't think so, and I don't know why.
Well, Dad, we haven't found any holes in the large bowel. They've all been in the small bowel, but the smell is different. I caught a whiff of large bowel, but it ain't staring us in the face, right?
Right.
And there it is.
I'm impressed, Pierce. Naturally, the kind of job I have, I don't get much chance to keep up with what goes on in the OR.
Well, it's still pretty much in the talk stage.
We had a team at the 325th Evac last fall. I coached the boys myself.
I think I heard about that.
Now we're working out a schedule of the outfits we're going to play this year. We all chip into a pool and make bets.
Must be fun. But the point we want to make about Henry...
I only wanted to know what she's like in the sack. Do those big boobs hold up or are they kind of droopy?
Hawkeye's asking the Major's opinion on a point of anatomy.
A-negative. I've cross-matched it.
I though you said we didn't have a drop.
Radar!
What for?
We need medical officers for short- arm inspection starting the first afternoon out.
Oh, certainly, Sergeant. My name is Captain George Limburger, and this is Captain Walter Camembert.
C-A-M-E-M...?
B-E-R-T, right. See you tomorrow.
I think I've seen this nut somewhere. Haven't I?
That's the front up the road a few miles. We have to get by without some of the comforts of home.
Lucky you didn't have your mouth open or it would have gone down your throat.
What are they peeking at? Captain Waldowski in the shower?
...But I turned in my knee pads.
Black capsule.
We're throwing him a Last Supper. We came to invite you.
Or you can let him knock himself out. You personally'd be sending him to his grave.
We stand behind all our work.
It's a bedroom where a man is always at his peak and doesn't have to take any time outs.
Very well, Your Majesty. Congratulations, Frank. He picked you.
No, no, that one.
I came within about ten yards of you. You know something, Trapper, the way we been going, if we ever got to see a real golf course again, I bet we could burn it up.
I'm not so sure the goddam thing's in his heart.
Let me translate. I've had some exposure to the language. The young man is from Brooklyn and he wants us to vacate this vehicle.
But besides the operation, we've got to get in at least eighteen holes of golf.
Look.
Don't worry, son. That's Captain McIntyre, and he's the best chest surgeon in the Far East and maybe in the whole U.S. Army. He'll fix you up fine. Your daddy saw to that.
Did I ever tell you about Me Lay Marston?
Your high school friend who went around saying 'Me lay, you lay?' to all the young females in the community. As I remember, you said it was quite a successful approach.
Please! Face it, Colonel, you don't have us, we have you. Your boys blew this case, we bailed you out. We figure we ought to hang around a day to check the Congressman's kid, and we also figure to play some golf. So if that's okay with you, we got a deal.
And if it isn't, why don't we call Washington on your telephone? You tell your story, we'll tell ours.
Come on, Trapper. We got to forget golf for today.
I don't know why. As long as it's light enough to see your caddie.
Is he out?
Best thing you could do for all of us is grab some sack time.
For you, Trapper.
It's in pretty deep.
Christ, it's Ho-Jon!
If we squeeze him through, I'm going to get him into Androscoggin College.
How about squeezing him through into Dartmouth? If all he wants to do is catch lobsters, he can learn that here.
Dartmouth's too big and too expensive. If he's as good as I think he is, he can move into the big league later. But Androscoggin first.
We'll need room. The sixth rib goes.
Never mind the conversation. Do it, Dad.
You aspirate the blood from the chest cavity. Damn, there's more of it than I thought.
I don't feel anything.
I can't feel it now either. The mother must have gone in.
I don't get it.
It was in the cava and the hole sealed itself off. I must have jiggled it just enough to turn it loose. I can't feel it in the heart or the right pulmonary artery. So it's in the left pulmonary artery.
What do we do?
We'll have to close this hole and make one on the other side.
Be kind of rough on him if there's no blood. Why don't we close up and sit on him a couple of days?
It's five minutes into nurses' shower hour. Where are they?
But he's got five times the man-power to draw on.
He only lasted one season.
So what makes you think he'll play for us?
We'll cut him in on the bets we make. And still have enough profit to send Ho-Jon to college.
Might make kind of a social issue, not having any other Negro officer.
But we'd have to break his leg or something to keep him out of the game for good.
Captain Pierce, would I be imposing...?
Captain, I've been observing the nurses on your shift. But naturally your own opinion is more informed than mine.
I'm glad you feel that way, Major, because you see it's a team effort... doctors, nurses, enlisted men... and I feel responsible for my whole team, and I want you to know I'm satisfied with them.
All of them?
That's right. We work well together.
Major Burns is far from satisfied.
That don't surprise me. If you're a good observer, you must have observed by now that Frank Burns is a jerk.
On the contrary, I've observed he's not only a good technical surgeon, he's a good military surgeon. And that includes how a man dresses and how he bears himself and his sense of what it means to be an officer in the United States Army.
And his track record, that don't count? Look, honey, when you watch the two shifts try to notice which one does the most work with the least fuss.
I've noticed that both nurses and enlisted men address you as 'Hawkeye.'
It's my name. Maybe that sounds silly to you but...
That kind of familiarity is inconsistent with maximum efficiency in a military organization.
Okay, Major, honey. I'm going to have a couple shots scotch and go to bed. I'd normally ask you to join me but obviously you're a female version of the routine Regular Army clown. And that turns me off, so just leave my outfit alone and we'll get along fine. See you around the campus.
I wonder how a degenerated person like you could have reached a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps.
Hey, Knocko, I got those pictures you promised to look at of my kids. You too, Wilma. It won't take a minute. You can see them too, if you want.
Listen, we look pretty lousy out there, right?
Well, for college players that have been out of training seven or eight years...
The bastards outconned us.
I think we could still have a chance.
If you start the game instead of waiting, you mean?
What's the matter?
See you.
It's possible
Isn't this ridiculous, Doctor? Six months I've been here and there are still times when I can't stand it. I just go to pieces.
Thank you, Captain Pierce. It's been so long.
No trouble at all. Hawkeye.
How did you get called that?
You're getting a workout, you and Captain Forrest, your first night.
It isn't always this rough?
Oh, no. We have dull stretches every week or so, thank God, when there's nothing to do after midnight.
They don't have to be dull. I mean if you and me put our minds together...
Our minds?
For a start. I just have a hunch... well, it isn't entirely a hunch...
You're an attractive man.
You have a certain modest charm yourself.
But I'm married.
Something else we have in common.
Very happily married.
Same here.
And absolutely determined to be faithful to my husband. Do we have that in common, Captain?
It's a matter of definition. Faithful in spirit, yes.
I don't make the distinction. But the sex urge is a powerful force. In women just as much as men.
Ayuh.
You'd think now, with only six weeks before they ship me back home, it would be easier. But it isn't.
Of course not.
It's terribly hard. Sometimes the temptation is just too much.
Then why not, as long as it wouldn't hurt anybody...?
Even if I weren't.
I couldn't have slept tonight anyhow.
You're leaving tomorrow?
In less than twelve hours I'll be on my way.
That's when the real strain starts. Three weeks on a troopship. Poor baby.
Dear, sweet Hawkeye.
Though I guess who it'll really be rough on is your husband.
You're on his side all of the sudden?
A man would be more considerate. He wouldn't come home to his wife a nervous wreck.
How would he avoid it... as if I needed to ask?
It could be a purely impersonal thing. What matters is the therapeutic value of relieving your tensions.
Do you think anything between us could be impersonal? Or pure? You better forget logic, because you're proving why I shouldn't go to bed with you.
You're asking for somebody else?
It happens to be a matter of life and death.
A man is going to die if he doesn't have my fair young body?
He should come to now for a while, but he's got so much dope in him by tomorrow he won't know fact from fantasy.
You think he won't.
What do you care? You'll be on your way to Japan.
I'm fond of Painless, and I'd feel terrible if anything happened to him...
It's your decision, Maria. I don't want to high-pressure you.
I'd be crazy to think my virtue, such as it is, was more important than his life...
You please excuse... I have been making examination of this young man to find if he will be soldier in our army.
Yes, I know. Hi, Ho-Jon. How did it go?
I don't liking it at all, what I hear when I listen to the heart. And such a blood pressure for so young a boys. Is frightening.
I'm sorry to hear that. You think he's unfit for military service?
At first is no doubt. But then I am seeing on his paper he work in American hospital. And I think there are so many drugs in such a places, he could take some by mistake.
Why would he do that?
Two-man job. How much blood has he had?
Second pint.
It was really nice of you to take me along.
I didn't have much choice.
You really say the cutest things.
Captain Camembert! Captain Camembert!
Excuse me, Sergeant.
Yes, Reverend?
What do you want with those two medical officers?
Be the longest short-arm inspection you ever held!
Thanks, Reverend. Thank you both for tipping me off. You don't know a Captain Forrest or a Captain Pierce, do you?
They missed the boat.
Thanks.
He's the pro from Dover and I'm the Ghost of Smokey Joe.
The real Trapper John? The one who threw you the famous pass and went to greater glory on the Boston and Maine Railroad?
The one and only.
You don't go after the local scrunch?
What do you do in the joint besides pimp?
Why can't you look at him?
I have but well, you know, I've been mainly an anesthetist a long time now and... well, I'd like you guys to take a look at him.
What's the story?
Well, one of the girls got careless and two days ago she gave birth to an eight-pound American-Japanese male.
What's wrong with him?
He's coming to.
Glad to know you. Drop in at my clinic anytime you feel like playing a little poker, or even if a tooth is bothering you.
If a man isn't a man anymore, what's he got left to live for?
Tell me the whole story, Walt.
There's this native broad works in the laundry. I don't know if you've noticed.
There's only one worth noticing.
But I had this feeling I ought to make the effort. To test myself. And I flunked.
What did you have to test, for God's sake... the dental Don Juan of Detroit?
Painless, you mustn't talk that way. It's a lot of crap. Cover for what?
Now I know that's been my problem since I was a kid. But it only caught up to me last night.
You've been drawn to other males? Since you were a kid?
No, never in the slightest.
Just in dreams?
Or in dreams either. I repressed it completely. Classic pattern of inhibition.
That's what you've been doing all these years with every dame you could lay your hands on? Repressing your real self?
But it's all over now, and I can't face it. Imagine if you found out you were one, you wouldn't like breaking the news to your wife. Well, I got the same problem multiplied.
You don't have any problem. You've got thirty good years ahead of you, easy. Maybe you'll have to cut down as you grow older, get along with just two fiancees, but...
That's really what I came here for. See what you guys recommend.
In the direction you want to go.
How much time do I have?
Just about enough to say goodbye to everybody. Line up over here, men, if you want to pay your last respects. Keep moving and file on out when you're through.
Morning Painless. How they goin'?
Good morning, Captain Pierce and Captain Forrest.
You can cut the bow.
I have not understood what you means.
Officer all sleep now, yes? And I go wash clothes.
Hi, Ho-Jon. How they goin'?
There ought to be a law against dentists reading. Matter of fact, I thought there was. Anyway, this is an obsession. He can't be persuaded out of it.
And if I go to New York, the natives there will carry me? I don't think so.
Pain bad, Ho-Jon?
I'm Colonel Blake. You fellows just passing through?
The blonde dish.
If you mean... She is a lieutenant in the Army Nursing Corps, Captain.
Okay, Lieutenant Dish. I guess she's already... involved with somebody here.
You don't aim to cause any trouble – But?
But we strongly suspect something will happen to screw up this splendid organization of yours if you don't get that sky pilot out of our tent.
We'll find out what they are when you throw us out.
You work those kind of hours, you got to have rest. Which you can't get with somebody jabbering away on a direct line to heaven.
About that chest-cutter...
I'll try, d-d-dammit! You can't ask any more than that!
Stop acting like a colonel, Henry. You know Trapper wouldn't sock him without a good reason.
I should fire him because he got in the way of Trapper's fist? No. I've put up with a lot from you guys, but now I finally have to take disciplinary action.
First decent idea you've had in a month.
Fifteenth straight day there've been six o'clock choppers. How long can a battle go on?
It's a nice idea. I mean it has style.
What's going on? Who started this?
You mean who hit who?
Yes, that's what I mean.
If you say so, Henry. But remember my claustrophobia.
What's wrong with you?
We got it, men... Ho-Jon's keep as Androscoggin... if there is such a place. And the big news is, the General wants a rematch.
O'Reilly!
Yes, sir?
Dammit, Radar, wait till I call you! Tell Major Burns...
One of the surgeons from the day shift will have to stay on duty tonight?
O'Reilly, what is it? There aren't more choppers coming?
I'm afraid so, Colonel.
We've got too many wounded for us to handle now! Get on the phone right away and...
Sir?
Don't do that, Radar! You make me nervous.
Sir?
Don't come so quickly when I call. I want you to take these officers...
To Major Burns' tent. Yes, sir.
Stop that, O'Rielly!
Sir?
Oh, get out of here!
Good morning, Colonel.
Morning, Radar. How were things?
Splendid, sir. No problems.
Can you make out what they're talking about?
Chopper coming in, Colonel. Two of them, I'm afraid.
Damn.
If I can make a suggestion, Coach.
The way I run an organization, any man in it has the right to speak his mind.
Thank you, Spearchucker. I'll certainly take a look at these. Where the hell did you ever get that name?
Those two big guys were tackles on the Cleveland Browns, and the redhead played halfback with the Rams.
Well, there's one big satisfaction.
What's that, Henry?
Morning, girls. Good morning Major.
This one goes right to the OR. Tell Duke to do him ahead of the busted spleen. And this kid can't wait. I'll take him myself, before I get to that ruptured diaphragm.
Captain... 'This kid' is a prisoner of war.
Yeah?
It's an American boy's rupture you're supposed to close.
Okay, I'm closing up. Everybody relax.
Planes mostly. May take a crack at rickshaws. How does the direct approach work over here?
What's the bastard really like?
Colonel Merrill is a veteran of twenty- five years in the Regular Army, a soldier first and a doctor second. A member of several patriotic organizations, he believes it's America's God-given mission to maintain a foothold for freedom on the Asian mainland.
Never mind.
The address of the N.E.P.H. and W. Why don't you meet me there when you're through golf for drinks and dinner and whatever strikes the fancy?
Soup? Rice? What are we doing, beginning all over again?
No, we had a clear soup to start. This is a thick one and you ought to taste it. There's nothing like it back home.
Can you guys take one minute to look at a kid for me?
We don't have to see him. Call that halfassed Army hospital and tell them to be ready to put some lipiodol in this kid's esophagus and take X- rays.
How is he?
Nice.
Ease off on those tapes, and let's see how much it bleeds. How is he?
Nice.
As long as there's a pile-up, we can do our bit to encourage his permanent withdrawal from the contest.
You're a couple o' sticks shy in your column, Ann.
A big, rich slob like D. B. Norton buys a paper—and forty heads are chopped off!
Did you get it, too?
Yeah. You, too? Oh, Joe . . . oh, I'm sorry darling . . . why don't we tear the building down!
Before you do, Ann, perhaps you'd better finish this column.
Er, would you, er, would you like to make some money?
Would you be willing to say you wrote that letter—and stick by it?
Huh?
Are you all right?
Don't mind the Colonel. He hates people.
He likes you well enough to stick around.
Action?
Here. Sit down! Quiet, egghead! All right, now, a serious expression.
Can't. I'm feeling too good.
Oh, come on, now. This is serious. You're a man disgusted with all of civilization.
With all of it?
Yes, you're sore at the world. Come on, now.
Yeah. No, no! No! No, look. You don't have to smell the world!
Well, all those guys in the bleachers think—
Never mind those guys. All right, stand up. Now let's see what you look like when you protest.
Against what?
Against anything. Just protest.
You got me.
Oh, look. I'm the umpire, and you just cut the heart of the plate with your fast one and I call it a ball. What would you do?
Oh, yuh did, huh?
Yes!
Why can't you call right, you bone- headed, pig-eared, lop-eared, pot- bellied—
Now, look, John. Here's the speech. It's in caps and double-spaced. You won't have any trouble reading it. Not nervous, are you?
No.
Of course not. He wouldn't be.
Who?
Who?
John Doe, the one in the speech.
Oh. Yeah.
Say, he's a friend of mine.
Hello, John.
Look, John. Something terribly important's happened. They're forming John Doe Clubs. We know of eight already and they say that there's going—
John Doe Clubs? What for?
Uh-huh. To carry out the principles you talked about in your radio speech.
I don't care what they're forming. I'm on my way and I don't like the idea of being stopped either.
Oh, but you don't know how big this thing is. You should see the thousands of telegrams we've received and what they're saying about you.
Look, it started as a circulation stunt, didn't it?
Uh-huh . . .
Well, you got your circulation. Now, why don't you let me alone?
Oh, it started as a circulation stunt, but it isn't any more. Mr. Norton wants to get back of it and sponsor John Doe Clubs all over the country. He wants to send you on a lecture tour.
Me?
Can I help you pack?
Do you care if I sit down out here?
You know, I had a crazy dream last night. It was about you.
About me?
Well, would you like to know who it was you were marrying?
Well, a tall handsome Ubangi, I suppose.
Ted Sheldon.
But here's the funniest part of it all. I was the fella up there doing the marrying. You know, the Justice of the Peace or something . . .
You were? I thought you were chasing me?
Well, yes, I was. But I was your father then, see? But the real me, John Doe, er, that is, Long John Willoughby, I was the fellow up there with the book. You know what I mean?
I guess so. Then what happened?
How many people do you think we've talked to already, outside the radio, I mean?
I don't know. About three hundred thousand.
Three hundred thousand? What makes them do it, Ann? What makes them come and listen and, and get up their John Doe Clubs the way they do? I've been trying to figure it out.
Look, John—what we're handing them are platitudes. Things they've heard a million times: "Love thy neighbor," "Clouds have silver linings," "Turn the other cheek." It's just a—
Did you write this?
Yes, I did, John. But I—I had no idea what was going on.
Go ahead, driver! Ball park!
. . . Er, this John Doe idea is yours, huh?
Yes, sir.
How much money do you get?
Thirty dollars.
Thirty dollars? Well, er, what are you after? I mean, what do you want? A journalistic career?
Money.
Money? Well, I'm glad to hear somebody admit it. Do you suppose you could write a radio speech that would put that fellow over?
Oh, I'm sure I can.
Do it, and I'll give you a hundred dollars a week.
A hundred dollars!
Hello. Whenever there's a pretty woman around, er— This is my nephew, Ted Sheldon, Miss Mitchell.
Thank you very much for everything.
And, Miss Mitchell—I think from now on you'd better work directly with me.
Better let me talk to him.
Oh, somebody else sitting there?
Oh! Oh, it's beautiful, D. B. Well—I don't quite know what to say . . .
Oh!
Tomorrow night, before a crowd of fifteen thousand people, and talking over a nation-wide radio hook-up, John Doe will announce the formation of a third party.
A third party?
Devoted entirely to the interests of all the John Does all over the country. Which practically means, ninety per cent of the voters. He will also announce the third party's candidate for the presidency. A man whom he, personally, recommends. A great humanitarian; the best friend the John Does have.
Hello?
Hello there. Well, well! If it isn't the man about town!
All set, Ann?
That's good.
No, no, no. This man's going to jump off a roof.
Oh.
Stick a fork through me! I'm done. I'll never get this speech right.
Oh, yes you will, Ann dear . . . you're very clever.
Yeah, I know. What are you looking for?
Your purse. I need ten dollars.
What for? I gave you fifty just the other day.
Yes, I know, dear, but Mrs. Burke had her baby yesterday. Nine pounds! And there wasn't a thing in the house—and then this morning the Community Chest lady came around and—
And the fifty's all gone, huh? Who's the ten for?
The Websters.
The Websters!
You remember those lovely people your father used to take care of? I thought I'd buy them some groceries. Oh, Ann, dear, it's a shame, those poor—
You're marvelous, Ma. You're just like Father used to be. Do you realize a couple of weeks ago we didn't have enough to eat ourselves?
Well, yes, I know, dear, but these people are in such need and we have plenty now.
Oh, I'm sorry, Ma. Oh, don't pay any attention to me. I guess I'm just upset about all this. Gee whiz, here I am with a great opportunity to get somewhere, to give us security for once in our lives, and I'm stuck. If I could put this over, your Mrs. Burke can have six babies!
Do you mean the speech you're writing?
Yeah, I don't know. I simply can't get it to jell! I created somebody who's gonna give up his life for a principle, hundreds of thousands of people are gonna listen to him over the radio and, unless he says something that's, well, that's sensational, it's just no good!
Well, honey, of course I don't know what kind of a speech you're trying to write, but judging from the samples I've read, I don't think anybody'll listen.
What?
Darling, there are so many complaining political speeches. People are tired of hearing nothing but doom and despair on the radio. If you're going to have him say anything, why don't you let him say something simple and real, something with hope in it? If your father were alive, he'd know what to say.
Oh, yes, Father certainly would.
Wait a minute . . .
That's your father's diary, Ann.
Father's . . . I never knew he had a diary.
There's enough in it for a hundred speeches, things people ought to hear nowadays. You be careful of it, won't you dear? It's always helped keep your father alive for me.
Yeh, D. B. Oh, just cleaning out the dead-wood. Okay.
I'll tell you what I'll do. I get thirty dollars a week. I'll take twenty-five, twenty if necessary. I'll do anything you say.
It isn't the money. We're after circulation. What we need is fireworks. People who can hit with sledge hammers—start arguments.
No. I've had the whole army and navy searching for you because that's a game we play here every day.
I remember, distinctly, being fired.
That's right. But you have a piece of property that still belongs to this newspaper. And I'd like to have it!
What's that?
The letter.
What letter?
The letter from John Doe.
Oh!
The whole town's in an uproar. We've got to find him. The letter's our only clue.
There is no letter.
We'll get a handwriting expert to— What!
Say that again.
You made it up.
Well, the whole town's curious about John Doe and, boom, just like that you're going to bury him. There's enough circulation in that man to start a shortage in the ink market!
In what man!
John Doe.
What John Doe?
Our John Doe! The one I made up! Look, genius— Now, look. Suppose there was a John Doe—and he walked into this office. What would you do? Find him a job and forget about the whole business, I suppose! Not me! I'd have made a deal with him!
A deal?
Now, then comes the drama. He meets discouragement. He finds the world has feet of clay. His ideals crumble. So what does he do? He decides to commit suicide in protest against the state of civilization. He thinks of the river! But no, no, he has a better idea. The City Hall. Why? Because he wants to attract attention. He wants to get a
Very pretty. Very pretty, indeed, Miss Mitchell. But would you mind telling me who goes on Christmas Eve?
John Doe.
What John Doe?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Lemme get this through this lame brain of mine. Are you suggesting we go out and hire someone to say he's gonna commit suicide on Christmas Eve? Is that it?
Well, you're catching on.
Who, for instance?
You're supposed to be a smart guy! If it was raining hundred dollar bills, you'd be out looking for a dime you lost some place.
That's fine! That's fine! Now fall right into their laps. Go ahead. Say John Doe walked in and called the whole thing off. You know what that's going to sound like on top of this!
Okay, sister, you get your job back.
Plus a bonus.
I can read. I can read!
So you think this is worth a thousand dollars, do you?
Oh, the Chronicle would consider it dirt cheap.
Looks all right—
He's perfect! A baseball player. What could be more American!
That's our man. He's made to order.
I don't know. He don't seem like a guy that'd fall into line.
Hurry up, Pop.
Oh.
All right, boys, here he is.
But, he's gonna jump off a building!
Yes, but not because he's out of a job. That's not news! This man's going to jump as a matter of principle.
Well, maybe you're right.
We'll clean him up and put him in a hotel room—under bodyguards. We'll make a mystery out of him. Did you speak to Mr. Norton?
Thinks it's terrific. Says for us to go the limit. Wants us to build a bonfire under every big shot in the state.
Oh, swell! Is that the contract?
Yes. What's he doing here?
Friend of his. They play duets together.
Duets? But can we trust him?
Well, okay. But we don't want more than a couple o' hundred people in on this thing. Now the first thing I want is an exact copy of the John Doe letter in your own handwriting.
I got it all ready. Here.
Okay, fellows.
And you! Start pounding that typewriter. Oh, boy! This is terrific! No responsibilities on our part. Just statements from John Doe and we can blast our heads off.
Before you pop too many buttons, don't forget to make out that check for a thousand.
Yeah, but it's got everybody sore. Ads are being pulled—the Governor's starting a libel suit—what's more, they all know John Doe's a phoney—and they insist on seeing him.
Look. We can't let 'em get to this bush-league pitcher and start pumping him. Good night! No telling what that screwball might do. I walked in yesterday—here he is, standing on a table with a fishing pole flycasting. Take my advice and get him out of town before this thing explodes in our faces!
If you do, Mr. Norton, you're just as much of a dumb cluck as he is! Excuse me.
No, you've got yourself a meal ticket and you hate to let go.
What's the idea?
Listen. If that guy lays an egg. I want to get something out of it. I'm getting a Jane Doe ready!
Now listen, Ann—he can't possibly get in without our seeing him. I'm watching the side door and the Colonel's out front, so stop worrying.
How many is that, six? Pretty hungry, weren't you?
Say, all this John Doe business is batty, if yuh ask me.
Well, nobody asked yuh.
Oh, stop worrying. He's all right.
Colonel!
You shouldn't have gotten out of bed, Miss.
Has he been here?
No.
Have you seen him?
I ain't seen him for a week.
Where's Connell?
He's watching the other door.
No sense in going up there! I been here for hours. He ain't here!
Oh, let me go, will you!
Had any schooling?
Yeah, a little.
What do you do when you work?
I used to pitch.
Baseball?
Uh-huh. Till my wing[4] went bad.
Where'd you play?
I went up to Miss Mitchell's house, boss. Boy, she's in a bad way.
Where is she?
Hey, do you know something? She supports a mother and two kids. What do you know about that?
Did you find her?
No. Her mother's awful worried about her. When she left the house she said she was going on a roaring drunk. Er, the girl, I mean!
Go out and find her!
Hello! . . . Yeh?
just called the morgue, boss. They say there's a girl there—
Ann! Say, why didn't yuh—
Hey, boss. Get a load of this.
What?
What do they want?
Yeah, Boss?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Both of 'em?
Hey, Boss.
Gee whiz, Boss, you know Mr. Norton told me not to leave him, not even for a minute.
Hey, wait a minute, Mr. Doe!
Help yourself.
I've seen guys like you go under before. Guys that never had a worry. Then they got ahold of some dough and went goofy. The first thing that happens to a guy—
Hey, whatsa matter with a bank account, anyway?
And let me tell you, Long John. When you become a guy with a bank account, they got you. Yes sir, they got you!
Who's got him?
The heelots!
And when they get you, you got no more chance than a road-rabbit.
Hey, Doc, look. Look, Doc. Gimme that again, will yuh? Who's gonna get him?
The heelots!
Listen, sucker, yuh ever been broke?
Sure. Mostly often.
Ba-ll!
St-rike!
Holy smoke! A half a heelot!
Well, I'll be doggoned if over forty people don't show up. 'Course none of us knew what to do, but we sure got a kick out of seeing how glad everybody was just to say hello to one another.
Tell him about making Sourpuss chairman, honey.
Grubbel's here. See?
Yeah. That's—that's him. Of course, you don't know Grubbel, but he's the man that everybody figured was the worst no-account in the neighborhood because he was living like a hermit and nobody'd have anything to do with him. Er, that is until Murphy, the postman told us the truth. "Why, Grubbel," he says, "he lives out of garbage cans because he won't take charity.
You don't have to—Why, we're with you, Mr. Doe. We just lost our heads and acted like a mob. Why, we . . .
This is Sourpuss. Er, excuse me. Er, Mr. Smithers, Mr. Doe.
Th—that's all right. If you didn't call me Sourpuss, it wouldn't feel natural. There are snickers from the background.
Well, anyway, I—I guess nearly everybody in the neighborhood came, except the DeLaneys. The Delaneys live in a big house with an iron fence around it and they always keep their blinds drawn, and we always figured that he was just an old miser that sat back counting his money, so why bother about inviting him? Until Grimes, the milkman spoke up and he
And then we started to find out about a lot of other people.
Well, sir, about a dozen families got together and gave Grubbel a job watering their lawns. Isn't that wonderful? And then we found jobs for six other people and they've all gone off relief!
No!
How could he be a fake?
It must be some kind of a gag.
A what?
It makes no difference, Bert—the ideas's still good. We don't have to give up our club.
That man is gonna be on that roof. Don't ask me how I know. I just know. And you know it as well as I do.
Hey, pretty nifty, huh?
You ain't gonna get me to stay here.
Sure, you are.
Gimme mine. I ain't staying! You know we were headed for the Columbia River country before all this John Doe business came up. You remember that, don't yuh?
Sure. I remember . . . Say, did your ears pop coming up in the elevator? Mine did.
Aw, Long John . . . I tell you—it's no good. You're gonna get used to a lotta stuff that's gonna wreck you. Why, that fifty bucks in your pocket's beginning to show up on you already. And don't pull that on me neither!
Hey, stop worrying, Colonel. Fifty bucks ain't going to ruin me.
You win, Colonel. Here's the fifty. Go on out and get rid of it.
I gotta figure some way out of this thing!
Yeah, she's a heelot just like the rest of them. It's lucky you got away from her.
What was I doin' up there makin' a speech, anyway? Me? Huh? Gee, the more I think about it the more I could . . .
Tear down all the fences. Why, if you tore one picket off of your neighbor's fence he'd sue you!
Jitterbugs.[9] Close shot: JOHN and the COLONEL.
Yeh. Say, how much money we got left?
Four bits.
Better make it doughnuts, huh?
Join the John Doe Club.
I trust him.
Yeah, but it's got to be by Bone- Setter Brown.
Hello, Mr. Connell.
No, I never read the speeches before I make them. I get more of a kick out of it that way.
Now, that's all right, isn't it?
I get mad for a lot of other guys besides myself—I get mad for a guy named Washington! And a guy named Jefferson—and Lincoln. Lighthouses, John! Lighthouses in a foggy world! You know what I mean?
Listen, pal—this fifth column stuff's pretty rotten, isn't it?[11]
Yeah. It certainly is.
You must be wrong, Mr. Connell, 'cause he's been marvelous about the John Doe Clubs.
Yeah? Say, you're sold on the John Doe idea, aren't you?
Sure.
All right! Now, supposing a certain unmentionable worm, whose initials are D. B., was trying to use that to shove his way into the White House. So he could put the screws on, so he could turn out the lights in those lighthouses. What would you say about that? Huh?
Nobody's gonna do that, Mr. Connell. They can't use the John Doe Clubs for politics. That's the main idea.
Is that so? Then what's a big political boss like Hammett doing in town? And a labor leader like Bennett? And a lot of other big shots who are up at D. B.'s house right now? Wolves, John, wolves waiting to cut up the John Does! Wait till you get a gander at that speech you're gonna make tonight!
You're all wet. Miss Mitchell writes those speeches and nobody can make her write that kind of stuff.
Don't write 'em? Why, that gold- grabbin' dame would double-cross her own mother for a handful of Chinese yen!
Go down to the office and arrange for some radio time.
Why, D. B., you're not going to fall for—
I want it as soon as possible.
Well, I don't get it.
Huh? Get what?
Look, D. B. I'm supposed to know my way around. This John Doe movement costs you a fortune. This convention's gonna cost plenty.
Well?
Well, I'm stuck with two and two—but I'm a sucker if I can make four out of it. Where do you come in?
I see. I'd better stick to running the paper, huh?
I think maybe you'd better. And Connell—I'd like to have the John Doe contract, all the receipts for the money we have advanced him and the letter Miss Mitchell wrote, for which I gave her a thousand dollars.
Only one thing to do, Hank. Drop the whole business quickly.
How?
Run a story. Say John Doe was in here, and is sorry he wrote the letter and—
Miss Mitchell, do me a favor, will you? Go on out and get married and have a lot o' babies—but stay out o' newspaper business!
If you ask me, Hank, you're playing around with dynamite.
Show me an American who can keep his mouth shut and—I'll eat him.
Did you write that letter to Miss Mitchell?
What are you doing up here then?
How about family? Got any family?
No.
Oh, just traveling through, huh?
What's your name?
Look, Mr. Norton, I think you've got a lot of nerve having those people hold us here.
There's nobody holding you here, Mr. Doe. It's only natural that people—
Why, certainly. With your ability to influence people, it might grow into a glorious movement.
Is there anything wrong?
Oh, no. Nothing's wrong. Everything's fine! So there's gonna be a new order of things, huh? Everybody's gonna cut himself a nice, fat slice of the John Does, eh? You forgot one detail, Mr. Big Shot—you forgot me, the prize stooge of the world. Why, if you or anybody else thinks he's gonna use the John Doe clubs for his own rotten purpose, he's
Now, hold on a minute, young man! Hold on! That's rather big talk! I started the John Doe clubs with my money and I'll decide whether or not they're being properly used!
That's a lie!
It's not a lie! Nickels and dimes! To stuff into their own pockets! You can read all about it in the newspapers there!
That's a lie! Listen—don't believe what he says . . .
Let go of me! This man had no intention of jumping off of the top of a building! He was paid to say so! Do you deny that?
That's got nothing to do with it!
Were you paid for it—or weren't you?
Yes! I was paid! But the—
And what about the suicide note? You didn't write that, either!
What difference does that make?
Did you write it—or didn't you?
No, I didn't write it, but—
Ah, you bet your life you didn't! You look in your papers, ladies and gentlemen, and you'll find Miss Mitchell's signed confession that she was the one that wrote it!
Listen, folks, it's a fact that I didn't write the letter, but this whole thing started—
It's good to see you. Sit down.
It's for Ann . . .
Oh, how nice! Thank you very much.
Flowers.
I'm terribly sorry she isn't here.
She isn't?
No, she just left. I'm surprised you didn't run into her. She went over to Mr. Norton's house.
Oh!
Did you want to see her about something important?
Well, I guess I'll see her at the convention later.
Thanks. Good night, Mrs. Mitchell.
Oh, yeah. That's what I mean. See? It was easy as all that, huh?
Uh-huh.
I bet you he'd know how to say it all right. And me, I get up to it and around it and in back of it, but, but I never get right to it. Do you know what I mean? So the only chance I've got is, well, if somebody could kinda give her a warning sort of, sorta prepare her for the shock!
You mean you'd like me to do it, huh?
Pretty good? Say, I was just about ready for the major leagues when I chipped a bone in my elbow. I got it pitchin' a nineteen-inning game!
Nineteen!
Yep. There was a major league scout there watching me, too. And he came down after the game with a contract. Do you know what? I couldn't life my arm to sign it. But I'll be okay again as soon as I get it fixed up.
That's too bad.
What do you mean, too bad?
Huh? Oh, that you'll never be able to play again.
Well, what are you talking about? I just told you I was gonna get a—
Well, you know how they are in baseball—if a guy's mixed up in a racket—
Racket? What do you mean?
Well, I was just thinking about this John Doe business. Why, as soon as it comes out it's all a fake, you'll be washed up in baseball, won't you?
Y-yeah. Gee, doggone it, I never thought about that. Gosh!
I know one way you can do it.
How?
Yeah, but how am I gonna get my arm fixed?
Say, who's putting up this dough?
Have you got the speech I gave you?
Yeah.
Now, look. I'll give this money to the Colonel just as soon as you get started. We'll have a car waiting at the side entrance for you.
Spencer of the Chronicle .
Yes, Spencer. Who? The Governor? Well, what about me? it's my building he's jumping off of! And I'm up for re-election, too!
Shh!
What are you doing? Get Connell at the Bulletin ! Why, he's liable to go right past my window, What was that?!
What?
Out the window! Something just flew by!
I didn't see anything.
Is there a crowd in the street?
No, sir.
Then he may be caught on a ledge! Look again!
I think it must have been a sea- gull.
A sea-gull? What's a sea-gull doing around the city hall? That's a bad omen, isn't it?
Oh, n-no, sir. The sea-gull is a lovely bird.
Hello, guys.
They're not usually graduate students.
SWAT wants to go in.
No -- you can't do that.
You got 7 hostages in there, 1 of them's wounded -- We don't know how bad it is -- The guy ripped the phone out -- SWAT said he's got a gun to the head of a female hostage. If SWAT makes entry now, you're gonna lose 1 hostage, maybe 2. I gotta go in. Maybe I can see what's going on in there.
I don't know.
He's never offed anybody. His rap doesn't show any violence.
Not that we know of.
We don't know how much time we have. If I can get in to talk to him -- maybe we won't lose anyone.
Floor seats.
You're my hero.
Dinner's on you.
Mind if we make a stop on the way? We busted Frank Antonucci on possession. He gave us a lead on that Polk Street jewelry heist.
"Phoney Frank"? Don't waste your time. He'd tell you his granny was in on the Kennedy assassination if he could dodge a collar.
I still gotta do it. Wasting time is half my job.
This SWAT guy might be a good idea. He may be able to take a little pressure off you. I worry about you.
You worried about me, too? The chief's worried about me. Solis is worried about me. Maybe you guys should start some kind of organization.
Speaking of which. I saw you talking to Ronnie this morning. Why can't you get it back together with her. You've gotta be out of your mind not to get with that one.
It's not me. It's her. She's going out with this baseball player -- Greg Barnett.
No shit! He's good!
Fuck him. He swings at anything in the dirt. I could strike him out.
Where's the stereo?
Fuck the stereo. What's that smell?
Apartment 306.
You want me to go up with you?
Nah, It probably won't turn up anything. I'm just gonna talk to him.
What's the line?
It was Warriors plus 6 this morning.
Who is it?
What happened? Is there a problem?
Duke Ellington. "Things Ain't What They Used To Be", recorded July 30, 1945.
Where did you find an old recording like that?
Used record shop down on Turk Street. I was in there looking for some Robert Johnson. Memories... Memory Lane or something...
I've got to stop in there... Mr. Korda, do you know Frank Antonucci?
Could I please have a little water?
Perhaps for his own reasons he entangled me in this... situation.
This cousin of yours... What's his name?
You told Antonucci that shit came from me.
You fucking idiot! Why do you think I use you?... To be a walking advertisement.
I'm sorry, Mike. I never heard of LaMarra flipping on anyone before. He said he had the cops paid off. Antonucci never flipped on anyone before. He had the cops paid off.
Not the fucking cop that showed up at my door!
What happened, Mike.
God damn it! I still needed to case that fucking store. It's too risky to show my face now.
I got a couple thousand bucks. You could leave town.
You gotta do this for me. I'm in here because of you.
Man, what's this about? Ya know, you were robbing a store. It wasn't personal. It was his job.
Don't make do it, Mike.
Are you going to turn on me too? Who helped you when you were strung out? Who gave you money? Who bailed you out of jail?
I won't get away with it.
I... I'm Kevin. I 'm here to help you, D... Dave.
Who's controlling your mind?
This has nothing to do with Walter.
Tell me what's wrong.
Particles, man. I feel them all the time. I feel them in my arms and legs man, that's how they punish me.
How can I help you with the particles?
They have less power over you if you look into my eyes.
Tell my dad.
Tell him what, what do you want me to tell him?
Tell my dad I'm sorry about the watch.
I hate fucking Springfield.
Where's the car?
It's my job to see that no one gets killed, Earl... Including you.
Really?
The Old Guy? What kind of show of faith is that? I want Debbie.
Am I gettin' the car?
What?!
Manual or automatic?
Automatic.
Who are you again?
Johnny Hawkins. Bail Bonds. I gotta be over at county in fifteen minutes, alright?
Hold on a second here.
You signed out twice.
I what?
Look, why don't you just come on back inside for a second.
Hi, Roper.
The suspect came in shortly after the bank opened. Botched robbery. A teller hit the silent alarm. He took seven hostages. Shot one -- the guard. He's still alive. So far he's asked for...
...a car.
That's right, and a plane waiting at the airport. If he doesn't...
...get 'em, he's going to start shooting hostages in five minutes...
That's right.
What's the suspect's name?
We got a guy who's probably on drugs. He's got a record of 459's and he was busted on possession. But he's never been busted on a major felony. What's his demeanor?
Well he's a little fucking agitated -- he ripped the phone out.
Anything on Korda so far?
What do you got on Korda?
We ran a search on relatives. He has a cousin in town -- Clarence Teal. Smalltime thief. Last known address was on Pine Street. He moved out a month ago. We've got a couple leads on him to check out.
Did you check out DMV for any vehicles registration?
Being faxed over now.
How about the record room for any incident reports? He might be a victim. We can get medical records. Check with burglary detail and see if anyone else knows him, knows his habits.
Roper...
And what about bars? We can talk to neighbors to see what bars he frequents.
You don't have to come here.
Alright, Roper. You want to come... come.
Are you in charge, Roper?
Yep.
I want a plane waiting at the airport. I'll tell them where I want to go when I get there.
Is that all?
For now that's all.
You'll get it. But, Joe, I want you to do something for me. Let me take a look around inside. Make sure everybody's okay.
Joe, I'm doing a lot for you. I think you could give me something to cement the deal... One hostage.
You can't kill me like this.
Open your shirt.
I'm not wearing a wire. This is just between you and me.
Satisfied?
It's all there.
I'm impressed. I didn't think you could do it. What did you have to do, steal them?
Yeah.
That's not going to look too good on your service record.
Same here. I've watched you in action. Very impressive.
You've got a lot of hard work ahead of you if you want to be a negotiator.
Don't go reading my lips, man. That's an intrusion. Save that shit for the sniper school. Comprende?
We're already past it, aren't we, Kevin?
You ever been in a hostage situation?
Only at the very end.
How do you feel after a shooting.
It rarely has to be done.
I've rarely shot anyone.
SWAT is a lifesaving unit, you know.
I know.
What's the point of this?
I'm sorry about your friend. I had a friend in SWAT killed. I know how it can be.
So, McCall, how come you ended up in San Francisco?
They recruited me. Promised me fast advancement.
Recruited you from where?
National Marksman Competition.
With your qualifications you must have had a lot of offers. Why here?
Furthest point I could find from New York.
You don't like New York?
Spent my whole life there. I just wanted to get out for a while.
You'd never been out of New York?
Been to Toronto. My mother was born there.
How did you like Toronto?
It was okay.
You're a real excitable sort, aren't you?
You caught me on an "up" day. How about you? How did you end up in San Francisco?
I grew up in Oakland... Crossed the Bay Bridge and here I was. So you're looking for "fast advancement".
Is there something wrong with that?
How are we gonna get him out of there?
Eighty-five percent of domestic disturbances of this nature end in murder/suicide.
Come on. Let's go for a drink.
I don't really like to drink.
You have to. It's a tradition.
You got a girlfriend?
You wouldn't want to put a small wager on this, would you?
Yeah, I've got a girlfriend.
You living together?
She's back in Jersey... going to graduate school.
Explain how that works.
She's going to come here when she graduates and then we're gonna get married.
She grow up in Livingtston, too?
No, no, no... She's from Hoboken.
Oh, "city girl". Don't you ever long for companionship with her such a long way away in New Jersey?
We see each other every couple of months.
That's a lot of commitment. I admire that.
Do you really?
No. Actually I think it's fucking crazy, I don't know if I could do it.
Thanks for clearing that up. I hear your former girlfriend is going out with Greg Barnett.
Where did you hear that?
Around. Barnett's tough competition.
Lesson two, "Dead Eye"... should have been lesson one. Never exchange yourself for a hostage.
I think I can handle that one.
You think you can learn, McCall?
First things is, don't say, "What's going on?" Everybody knows what's going on. I come into this situation, I say, "I'm glad to see nobody's hurt. That's good. I'm here to help you." Second: You hesitated. Don't hesitate. If you're thinking, talk while you're thinking, or else he's going to think you're plotting. Which you are. If he thinks you're plotting, you're going to
No.
Tell me what you need.
I can't do that.
Nah, I just throw that in because I enjoy it.
So what do I say to this guy?
You could say something like, "Tell me what the scumbag's name is. Maybe we can work something out."
If you want to be a successful negotiator, you've got to learn to lie.
I'm not good at lying.
Get good at it.
You know the ten commandments?
Yes.
What's the first commandment?
You tell me.
Thou shall not kill... You've killed, right?
Yes.
Why?
To save lives.
My name's McCall. I'm unarmed.
What did you see?
Why did he do it?
You know why I like the track?
See the favorite? Tail up. Washy. He doesn't want to run today. Cross him off... Now the Six looks good. On his toes. Coat shiny. This trainer/jockey combo does well. We can't leave him out. What do you think?
I have two words for you... Seek help.
I bought you a four-six exacta box. You owe me twenty bucks.
We need the 4 and 6 to finish to first and second.
Ronnie... Yeah, so.
Now she's going out with Greg Barnett?
So what do you want?... An autograph.
I'm just practicing my lying.
Still needs work.
The 6 horse is last.
That's okay. That's his style.
To run last?
The 6 horse is still last.
They need to run first and second?
COME ON RUSSELL!... Who the fuck's Russell?!
The jockey!
We won!
We lost.
We won.
How much you wanna bet?
How long you been coming here?
About six years. My partner took me.
Is it always like this?
See this. Solis has me driving the shit-mobile, and he picked this up straight out of impound for fourteen grand. Probably worth thirty.
There's your answer. He's smart.
He's cutting down the visibility.
He's got the girl.
What the fuck is going on.
I don't know, but I've got to get on there.
You're crazy.
It might have happened no matter who was up there.
Bullshit! Would it have happened to you?
Maybe... There's one thing you have to remember... You don't create the situations. You can only try to save people from them.
I thought I could do it. I was so damn sure of myself. But I didn't know what to say. The words wouldn't come. My mouth turned to mush. You make it look so easy, Roper. But it is not. It's not easy. It's a different job than looking through the rifle scope.
How many have you lost?
I look at it as how many I've saved. That's the way you've got to look at it.
And what about the ones you don't save?
You live with it... and they haunt you. It doesn't leave.
And what if you can't live with it?
He's gonna kill her no matter what. If I take him these jewels he's gonna kill me and her.
So what do you want to do?
That's a chance I gotta take.
Mare Island is an abandoned shipyard, cranes, high buildings... he'll be in place where he can see everything. How are we going to get me in there?
McCall, you all right?
I'm okay. Korda... went down the side of the building...
Roper. Metro Division. Hostage Negotiator. Give me the short version.
Husband came home. Found that guy and his wife "in flagrante". Now he's holding her at knife point.
Have you evacuated anyone?
Only that floor.
Is the hostage injured?
Don't know. She keeps screaming to stay out. He keeps screaming to stay out. We decided to stay out.
I know how you feel, Ray.
I can't leave, Ray. It's part of my negotiator's oath. Once I'm in the room with the hostage, I have to stay.
You don't want to see what I'm going to do to her.
Same thing happened to me, man. She cheated on me, but I forgave her. You know why?
I ain't interested in your life story.
Because I was partially to blame. I wasn't around as much as I should have been. I forgot how to love her.
Ray, think about how she looked when you married her. Think about how happy you were. Don't lose that, man. Don't give up everything.
Ray, if you walk out of here with me, I'll get you a job.
Doing what? Cleaning toilets?
I can't guarantee you what it will be. But I swear on my life, I'll find you work.
And why the fuck would you do that for me?
Not for you, Ray. For me. A close friend of mine was killed this week. The way I figure it, I stop you from doin' what you said, I'm one up on body count.
Who the fuck are you, Mother Teresa?
This baseball player you're going out with... He's no good for you.
Really?! He's a wonderful guy. He makes two million a year, and he worships me.
I worship you.
You worship yourself.
Ronnie, forget this what's-his-name.
Greg.
You know what I think? I think you only want me now, because I'm with somebody else.
Let me take you out tomorrow night... Pleeease.
I'm going out with Greg tomorrow.
Please. I'm begging you.
Hey.
Hey yourself. Came by to see Troy.
A little late for that, Scottie. He's asleep. Jack Daniels?
I'm not drunk. Yet.
Maybe you should be.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
That a new picture?
I won't stay long. I had to talk to someone.
You don't usually talk to anyone when you're hurting.
It was my fault. I was right downstairs. I should have gone up with him.
Scott, You can't save everyone.
Oh, hell, forget it. This won't work.
What do you want from me?
Something I guess I can't have anymore.
Don't try to make me feel guilty. The whole time we were together, you went out of your way to prove you didn't need me. Now, suddenly, for one night, you need me again. I can't do it. I can't be more than your friend. Because I know what will happen. In a few weeks you'll be back on top, and you'll shut me
You think I didn't need you?
If you did, you never showed it.
I wanted to get this out of the way.
You got a bet on the game tonight?
It's already started.
That kind with the garlic and the oil that I like so much?
No. The kind from Kraft, with the macaroni and the cheese.
I've been craving that stuff all week.
What do you think?
Mmm, needs a little something.
What are you talking about? This is it. This is the stuff right here. Well, maybe just a pinch more sugar.
Yeah that's it.
Why don't you just stick your finger in and stir it up.
Scottie, remember the day you lost that hostage in union square. You came over that night and we made mad, crazy love. But I didn't even know what happened... 'til I heard it on the news the next morning.
It's because I wanted to keep you away from that world.
It's not that world. It's your world. It's part of who you are.
What about Greg? What are you gonna tell him?
It's okay. We broke up.
When?
How's Paco doing?
You like this place?
It's very nice.
There is?
Yeah?
How come in those foreign movies the young girl is always with some fat, old guy.
Korda escaped.
I don't think you're old and fat enough for me.
Why don't you come back up with me, Ronnie.
Scottie, Scottie...
Stay here, don't move.
Scottie...
I've never seen sea so blue. Tahiti is magnificent, Scottie.
Scottie?
Hmm?
Hmm?
Things have been going pretty well between us, haven't they?
Yeah.
I was just thinking... There's something special I want to talk to you about. I think it's time we went to a whole other phase in our relationship. A deeper level.
A deeper level?
That's right. We've got to bare it all. Here and now. 'Cause I think I'm finally ready to go for it...
Whoa! Wait a minute, Ronnie. Hold on. I know it's beautiful here. The sun, the sand, the sea and all that nature shit can really get to you. But we've got to keep our perspective here. This place isn't real. This isn't reality.
Scott...
I mean I said this trip should be a 'roadtest'.
...the hell are you talking about?
I'm talking about... What are you talking about?
I'm talking about me 'n' you stripping down on this beach and gettin' you know... 'naked in Tahiti'.
You talkin' about gettin' 'nekked?' Shit, I thought you were talkin' bout, you know... the "M" word.
You crazy? With all those people around?
Know what you are?! You're a prude, Roper.
The hell I am!
Prude.
...at the top of the stretch it's Cozy Girl in front with Backtrack coming on... Cozy Girl by a length, Backtrack closing...
It's Cozy Girl holding on... Cozy Girl and Backtrack...
Stay up there, Girl...
Where's the damn wire?!
Here comes the wire... and... Backtrack gets up in the last jump. Cozy girl a very game second.
Tell him to give me a raise.
Roper.
What?
Are you going to make this hard for me?
Depends. What's up?
There's been some concern about you continuing to work without back-up.
What if you die and no one can do what you do as well as you do it?
Your concern is heartwarming.
It's been decided that you take on another partner and train him to be able to take over for you.
Is that what the guy in the Sunday School suit is doing outside?
Great, send him to the Marines. This guy's not a negotiator. He'll quit in two weeks.
You let us worry about that.
Is there going to be an expression of your appreciation?
What kind of appreciation are we talking about?
The financial kind. I figure I'm going to be working extra hours. All sorts of overtime... training sessions... Not to mention the extra stress...
What do you think would be in order?
Like ahh... I don't know... Five thousand dollars.
And a car.
Hey, you just got a five thousand dollar raise. Get a car of your own.
You know you've got nothing but cars down there in impound.
Impound isn't a rent-a-car company.
The car is part of the deal.
Repoed this morning.
I'll provide you with transportation.
The chief says to tell you how sorry he is. He knew Sam Baffert was a good man.
He said he was just going up to talk to him. He said... I want to be put on this case.
I can't do that.
I want to be put on this case.
You know I can't assign you to this. You're much too close to it. You were much too close to Sam. The department will take care of it.
Who's running it?
Roper...
Who's running it!
What do we got?
32 minutes ago the silent alarm went off, then the fire alarm. A unit was a block away, and the suspect got trapped inside.
Any verification on numbers.
We've only seen and talked to one suspect. He calls himself "Joe". There's two jewelers, two salespeople, the manager, a security guard, and an elderly woman. This particular store is where they do a lot of jewelry making and repair. They have anywhere from 8 to 10 million in raw stones on any given day, so they sure as shit didn't just wander in.
What have you promised them?
Are these yours?
Yeah, they are but...
This is Halden.
Halden, how nice to hear your voice.
What do you want?
I have found in life that what one wants isn't nearly as important as what one needs.
What do you need?
There are two million people in there with you.
Yes.
They have nothing to do with this --
God-Damn you!
Yes, I believe he has --
System's running on auxiliary. Only seven hours before it crashes.
True.
You're in there. Everybody dies, you go with them --
It's okay.
Okay...
Why?
She said I have a son...
How come I can't remember?
Because I took it out of your memory.
Why --
As long as it's not 'what's your sign?'
That's a strange question. You a strange man?
There you are, sitting next to the creator, what do you say?
This is how you pick up women --
Your life that bad?
No, not me, I've been lucky. But I've seen what happens to other people --
Do you believe in miracles?
You were right.
Who are you?!
You don't have much sex up there in the real world, do you?
It's all here...
The guests are here.
Guests?
But this is impossible.
What's happening?
It's time to wake up.
Wake up?!
The patterns were moved around, but they weren't changed.
Halden sent men to kill me in my sleep, but simple illusions won out. So he now sends the legend to finish the deed.
No.
But what would happen to me? I have no body to return to.
Not my problem.
Divinity?
Yes.
You are not a God.
God creates man, man creates technology, technology creates God. End into beginning.
In a computer program.
The new world.
It's not real.
You were the one who was dying.
You sealed off the system. When it crashes, everyone dies with you.
Yes, but only in the dream they call life.
Dream?!
Unlimited energy out there. Enough to run this world for all eternity --
-- But you'll never be able to get it through the maze.
With the energy from the net, we can program this world anyway we want. Redwood forests. Oceans. Mountains --
-- Two million people plugged-in here.
Until you're on the net where the corporation can't touch you, you can't open the system. They'll eject it if you do.
But once the system touches the net, all links are severed. Everybody dies.
Only up there in the dream they called life.
Remember, I'm not the one who chose this.
Where the hell are you going?
Unfinished business.
And what about the reconfiguration?
You sure he's going to come?
It's his nature.
But what if he doesn't --
How long 'till we can eject?
We're going to have to reconfigure.
How long?
Have communications contact all interface centers. Tell them due to high demand, we're at full capacity and so temporarily there's no room for anyone else on the system.
What about the customers with reservations?
The maze has been changed --
Where you plugged-in from?
New York.
What?
What's her name?
Who?
The woman you're stuck on.
Take care.
He had keys.
Get some internal police there. Tell them to run a perimeter.
Doesn't make sense. How the hell does some fucking teenager get to the keys?
Two maze runners.
Won't be time if he gets access --
He had access to the keys --
We can be there in fifteen minutes and rip him off the system.
You're jumping to conclusions.
Try harder.
Christoph had spinal cancer. His body kept rejecting gene therapy. He was desperate. It was him, it wasn't us --
Corporate fingerprints all over it.
Of course they are. Christoph was stealing every piece of code he could get his hands on.
Because why the hell would you be interested in a program that allows people to live inside your machines? I mean how much profit could there possibly be from owning the universe and selling space in it to people who are dying, or people who are just God-Damned sick of this world --
The only way to eject it is from the inside.
You've got the keys, send someone in --
One condition.
What?
What is it?
The Terrace. First building Christoph ever programmed for us.
A hotel?
Christoph was a brilliant programmer, but very eccentric. He insisted it be kept vacant.
Why?
Christoph was in charge of designing building modules.
That's right.
Then what's with all the staffing programs in his account?
Be a hell of a lot easier to digitize a real person, then strip them down to a module you can use to make as many employee programs as you need.
Who did he digitize?
Listen to yourself. Digitization. You know that officially that's a pure fantasy --
What did he tell you?
The truth.
Not his style.
Then you had her killed.
Why would I do that?
We drugged her. So she wouldn't remember.
Try harder.
There was no need to kill her.
Then where is she?
An interface attendant.
Where?
Need the disk back!
Insurance.
Insurance?
What brings you inside?
Cleaning up a mess.
I've got to get back.
Someone you have to get back to?
I'm sorry sir, we need your debit card before we can issue a credit --
You went to my high-school?
No.
Then how do you know about --
-- You told me.
Most nights you wake up crying. Never knowing why.
We worked together on the inside. You were on my programming team --
-- The inside?
Identical. One's you. One's digital.
That's not possible. No one can do that.
That's why they told you you can't go inside. They can't have you running into her.
You said we were on the same programming team.
Yes.
But I don't know anything about programming.
Why?
It was a test.
To see how long it would take for me to realize.
Realize?
And it meant something.
What?
I wasn't with you.
I know.
But you were with me.
Not you. A copy.
I'm sorry.
Sorry?!
Care to tell us how you came into possession of an illegal access program?
Look, I'm doing mute 'till I have a mouthpiece here who's on my side.
Don't know what you're talking about.
What's so funny?
This. No point to it.
Why not?
Because you'll never believe me.
It was just there.
There?
My uni-net account. I log on. The program's there.
Just like that?
Don't know what you're talking about.
Voice activate.
Activated.
Program name?
Resurrection.
Transmit copy of program via satellite north uplink.
Destination?
Tanner-eighteen-six-two-nine.
Connection approved. Ready to transmit --
Access granted. Male or female?
Male.
Waiter, busboy, Maitre-De --
Standard, modern, upscale --
-- Standard.
Program name?
Connect to public access.
Access established.
Select uplink for Federal Communications Office. Department of Enforcement.
We've got him locked!
He's on us!!
It's passing over earth as we speak! Trajectory coordinates are 009843.
Billy, that's BRILLIANT!
WE CAN'T BREAK FREE!
Alpha. Is there any way we can defeat this monster? Any way at all?
It's far too dangerous. Zordon would never allow it.
Ay, yi, yi, yi. The legend speaks of a Master Warrior who lives on the planet Phaedos... This is the only person who knows the secrets of the power.
Rangers... I'm afraid you're too late.
What?!
Is this... food!
So how can we get to it?
He wants to know if you'd like a cube of sugar in your tea.
In the language of the Nathadians, "Nin" stands for "man", "jetti" stands for "animal". Ninjetti - man and animal, together as one. Now, put your hands inside the flame.
Yeah, right.
Wow. Sand.
Aisha, you are the Bear, stalwart and bold.
I heard that!
... What's happening to him?'
I can hardly walk...
We've come all this way for a rock wall?!
Release the power with the power.
SYSTEM MALFUNCTION!
Anybody see anything?
SABER TOOTH TIGER!
Let's teach these vermin a few manners.
That's pretty bad.
Release the power WITH the power.
1600 m.p.h. and increasing!
In a place that came to be known as Angel Grove.
The chamber has been accidently UNCOVERED! You must return it to the depths. or anyone should open it and Ivan is released!
To assist you I have retro-fitted your helmets with new Opti-Scan devices.
Alpha, my sensors tell me the Rangers were too late! Ivan is on his way here!
... Alpha, I am deeply concerned about the Rangers...
I told them it was too dangerous, but they wouldn't listen.
By bouncing ultra-high frequencies off one of the network satellites, I can send a long-range pulsar signal to within TWO FEET of the Rangers coordinates.
Ay, yi, yi! The Rangers are going to be CRUSHED!
It is said that to those who possess the Power... all things are possible.
Where did it originate?
I see... a fox
It is said that once you've reached the power... you have only ten triacs to release it.
What's a Triac?
PTERODACTYL!
You okay?
I am the wolf, cunning and swift!
Of course! The power is of another world. Another dimension.
NINJA CRANE ZORD!
All systems go!
That's the only way to the Monolith...
... Nothing.
NEW POWER COINS!!
Two thirty three a.m.
THREE DEGREES OFF THE COMETS TRAJECTORY!
009843... 42... 41! WE'RE IN ALIGNMENT!
... Not bad.
Let's go after him!!
I'm in!
IMPACT IN FIFTEEN SECONDS!
FOUR SECONDS TO IMPACT!
The Stealth Eagle is about to fly.
Be the eagle. Be the eagle.
The earth was hurtling toward us at seven hundred miles per hour, and we knew at that moment that we were facing death straight in the eye.
Bulk... why don't we give Mr. Peep here a chance to think it over?
Here you go! No pushing!
Uh... that's classified, top secret, confidential, undercover information.
There goes the neighborhood.
SKULL!!
And how do we do that?
It's... an eagle?
Look closer.
... A falcon?
And how do we release the power?
We never liked the cheesedongs in the first place.
Hey, boss!
As soon as we've taken over the world I'm gonna change my name to Sir Mordant. Or how about MAJOR Mordant?!
Just shut your gap!
I'm outta here.
GET OFF ME!
BUT I'M YOUR COUSIN!
Taking over the world is one thing. It's finding good help to run it for you that's the killer.
No offense, boss, but they might find you a little disgusting.
But boss, what about their parents?
Simon says...
What!
THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN!!!
Mordant, go with them and report back to me!
That's right. And then we threw one of them off a mountain and another one into a raqing river!
"Basically".
What do you mean "basically"?
Did these sticks make a whistling sound?
How'd you know?
What is THAT!
Don't you ever have anything nice to say?!
Rrgh mmffpprr brghuh!!
Isn't this just TYPICAL! We finally do somebody a good turn and just look what happens!
I hope those Rangers put that lousy lowlife out of his misery!
That was a CHEAP shot!
Anybody see them?
How the heck?!...
Six become one... the combined forces of the Ninjetti.
I am the mighty ape!
THREE SECONDS!!
NINJA APE ZORD!
There seems to be some confusion about your registration. I believe I can find you a place at the Ambassador. Many persons of the Jewish faith find it quite...
I ain't no fuckin' kike!
I'm sorry, sir. Our clientele is restricted to White Anglo-Saxons.
And I ain't no nigger either!
You own a hotel, sir?
What you're sayin' makes a lotta sense. Ya know, if I keep on killin' people like I have, I won't have no more friends left!
You've got the public upset, Al.
But you know I never killed nobody that didn't deserve it.
When the people get so upset, our politician friends gotta listen.
We're asking you to go to prison.
But I've never served a day.
If it wasn't important for everybody, we wouldn't ask. We got friends in Philly. They can send you up for a couple months on a weapons charge.
Awwh, Charlie.
So Chicago's been good to ya.
I do right by Johnny Torrio and he does right by me.
Ya still owe me fifty bucks for the train ticket.
Sure. What's with the brick wall?
One fuckin' year ago I had ta hit you up for train fare. Now I can buy the fuckin' train. And I ain't even a fuckin' Sicilian!
But ya got a Boss.
Torrio ain't like them guys. He thinks like an American. You'd like him, Charlie. He'd like you.
I'm Bobby Clowes. Kansas City.
Charlie Luciano.
You ever been near a meat packing plant? My father makes a couple million per, but the smell in his office is enough to make you puke.
Got the same problem with my pop -- garlic. Nothin' you can do.
The goddamned bastards.
I remember reading a poem in college. "Sicily. Poor, noble isle...".
Poor, yeah.
We have a commission. If there's a dispute over territory, the commission decides.
Tell me something, Meyer. How can you get up at dawn to walk on the beach if you're on your honeymoon?
The commission don't decide how I spend my honeymoon.
Hey, I ignore my wife too. But on our honeymoon I paid attention.
Boo-Boo.
Up here, Boss.
That ain't exactly been the lucky spot lately.
Maybe you better hear what I got to say first.
Whatever you say, Boss.
Why should you be payin' me when we're all equals?
You scare me, Charlie.
Are you frightened?
I had everything. Once.
So what happened?
Life knocked me back.
I came into this world flat on my ass.
And now you have everything.
No. Not everything.
Up down. Down up. It's the same. You see things through both eyes.
I guess I am. Just a little.
What do you mean?
When my money moves, I go with it.
Scotch is a very valuable commodity these days.
I ain't mad. I ain't even surprised. But I can't let ya fuck me. On the other hand, if ya got needs beyond the thirty-five, I'll advance it to you against our next deal on the same terms.
I got my partner in there!
Their asses are here, but their fuckin' heads are still in Sicily.
Precisely. We are the true entrepreneurs, and Prohibition is the greatest opportunity we shall ever have. America is begging to be taken like an overripe virgin, but they're still fighting over the crumbs of Little Italy.
We'll start small. When we got 'em lined up, we increase the supply a bit at a time. Only sell the best stuff. And keep the price high, 'cause ya know how folks hate the taste of cheap booze.
An intelligent plan, Mr. Luciano, but listen to me well. It can be ruined in a single careless moment. Keep your feet on the ground and your high opinion of yourself under your hat.
When the stiff's an Irish, the cops take it kinda personal.
Four-twenty-eight.
Tommy Reina. Good pal. Better partner.
From your mouth ta God's ear.
We could lose the deal!
They told me you wanted to talk about this Shane business.
You havin' any luck findin' out who did him?
Shane was a friend of yours?
He was around...
Lad, I'm a busy man. July's always a big month for murder. Fella named Barone turned up just this mornin', throat cut ear to ear. Black Hand.
When you're investigatin', how long ya keep at it?
It consoles the bereaved family ta see the perpetrator take his load of juice. We try to oblige.
But Maranzano's got the men and the brains.
Bastard didn't even show.
He's hidin'. Word's out Tommy Reina's goin' over ta Maranzano.
Masseria's confused. He can't figure whether you're workin' for Maranzano, or gettin' ready to kill the bastard. So he's spreadin' the word that you're goin' after Profaci because it happened on his turf. I figure Masseria's gonna try to rub out Profaci, and pin it on us. Then Maranzano will have to kill ya.
You got men on Profaci's place?
Masseria's tryin' ta find a way around ya. But his patience won't hold out much longer.
How's Bugsy doin'?
Mad Dog Coll's in town on a job.
Who hired the bastard?
How much longer we gotta be shut up in this fuckin' sweatbox?
You ain't even a man yet.
Where'd ya get this funny ravioli?
No disrespect, Tommy, but why would Mr. Arnold Rothstein wanna do business with bums like us?
I think Maranzano's talkin' a hell of a deal.
Sure, Frankie. Fuck me. Fuck Meyer. Fuck Arnold Rothstein who's made us all rich. All so you can be an fuckin' honorary Sicilian!
Does Maranzano have to kiss you on the lips before you'll take his goddamn money?
The deal's too good, Frankie
A hundred-seven bucks too much. Any kid who drops an extra dime is gonna be talkin' to Moliari.
Well...
Mr. Costello handles our business with the government agencies.
I'm sorry, but I sleep better when I know I'm with the winning side.
We're gonna be the winning side. It's like Rothstein said about that guy in Austria. We're gonna use Maranzano and Masseria. Let 'em knock each other bloody. And then, when everybody's screamin' for peace, we step in to make it. What they're fight in' over, everybody will beg us to take.
Inside, they were talking of you.
I can just imagine.
No. They envy you.
For being a bootlegger?
You here with Bobby?
What's the matter?
Come on. It's Christmas. At least stay for breakfast.
I'm already late.
Luciano.
I was calling yesterday.
Something came up.
I needed to see you again.
Same here.
Why do you bother with perfume when you smell like this?
It's a mask.
You got something to hide?
It's too late.
Have you thought about this?
Why? You're the innocent one.
You could have stopped him.
Ya never tell a guy about a broad.
So you all make the same mistakes?
I booked passage to London.
London?
If I look weak now, it's over.
I'm very sorry... I didn't...
A lot of shit came out of me in the hospital. I'm sorry you got hit by it.
Would it be painful for you?
Charlie?
I'm doin' business here!
I'm gonna lose you, Charlie.
Charlie!
Come on, Charlie. We gotta have a top guy. Otherwise these wars ain't never gonna stop.
As long as ya got one top Boss, somebody else's always gonna be looking to knock him off. And that's war on top of war.
Who'll make the rules?
We'll make 'em, and we'll enforce 'em. All of us. Together. We all get one vote. Includin' me.
Charlie, I'm from the old country, and these American ways get me sometimes confused. You tellin' us you refuse the title of Boss of All the Bosses?
Julius Caesar never took no vote.
You fellas got names?
Meyer just finished the books.
Bugsy, you and I don't need to be in business with Maranzano. We got more jobs than we can handle. That's not the problem.
So what is the problem?
We'll figure out something.
At least Masseria plays by the rules. Maranzano thinks he's God, and the rules don't apply.
Meyer.
It's nothin'. I'm gettin' married.
Married? To Anna? You ain't got her in trouble?
No. We ain't even...
Well, good. Woman like that you don't have to keep an eye on.
Guess I'm not a single type guy.
We're going to Atlantic City for the honeymoon.
I'll talk to Nucky. Get you set up like the fuckin' Prince of Wales.
I been thinkin'...
Good. 'Cause every time you start thinkin', we end up makin' money.
We need to put together a meet for the whole country. We all got the same problems. We could talk. Meet the guys we don't know. Lift a few with the guys we do.
Like a party for all our friends.
Like Don Maranzano.
And if we don't invite Maranzano, we can't invite Masseria. Guys don't wanna be choosin' sides.
I'll handle the Boss.
So we end up with everybody but the two Bosses, at our meet. We ain't sayin' we're the leaders, but we're leadin'.
How soon can we pull this off?
Your honeymoon, Meyer?
After all this time I'd think you'd know me better, Meyer.
It's not myself I'm worried about.
You're getting' 10 cc's
You bastards, I said twenty!
It'll just be a few minutes.
Tommy Reina's gone over to Maranzano, but so far Masseria ain't lifted a finger,
The fat man's scared. Scared of us, and scared without us. Same with Maranzano. We gotta get their minds back on each other. This fuckin' peace is killin' us.
We can get the war started tomorrow, but it won't be pretty.
Who?
Meyer, ain't anybody ever told you ya look more like a bookkeeper than a fuckin' mobster?
What's your problem?
It's just that Maranzano's the only bastard I ever heard brag about gettin' audited by the IRS. He came out clean, so he thinks his shit don't stink.
Is there a fuckin' point comin' up anytime soon?
Yeah. So who the fuck does?
Come off it, Bugs.
Come off it, Bugs.
We got exactly two choices, Maranzano or Masseria.
What you mean? Tommy ain't done nothin'.
Maranzano will think Masseria ordered the hit, and won't have no choice but to start the war.
Why's it gotta be Tommy!
We're gonna change it, Bugs. Once we get rid of the Dons, the Commission's gonna rule. No more wars. No more vendettas. No more Boss of All the Bosses.
If ever I need a Boss, Joe.
I like that.
Whatta ya mean, Boss?
I'm glad ya come.
What's with the banquet? This is supposed to be a private meet.
You boys carryin' pieces?
You tryin' ta tell me something? I don't come to a meet with a weapon unless it's with an enemy.
You're a smart boy, Charlie, but there's somethin' you ain't learned yet. A man needs a family.
I know. When the storm hits, it don't pay to be caught outside.
I got a place for you. In my family... or in the cemetery.
This business is about taking risks.
Tommy tells me that Capone's coming in from Chicago.
He's trying to make it.
He'll think something's wrong I ain't there.
He'll know you were smart enough to stay away, Boss.
What the fuck does that mean?
You know that if you come, we gotta invite Maranzano.
So fuck him. I don't care anymore. Let him come.
Where we headed?
Wassa matter, Mr. Big Shot. Don't have time for my business no more?
Boss, I got all the time you need.
And what went on your little party in Atlantic City. I got ears.
That little party's gonna make you a lotta money.
MONEY DON'T MEAN SHIT!
You and Vito are gonna pull that payroll job. Right now.
You gotta plan these things.
If I wanted ta kill ya, I woulda done it long ago. It's not like you ain't given me reason.
I'm still the Boss of All the Bosses! And you'll do what I say!
So tell me when I ain't done it.
How can I trust you when you look at me like that?
You got no fuckin' choice. You might be able to stay alive, but you're never gonna win the war from these fuckin' rat holes.
Tell me, Charlie. Please.
What are ya thinkin'?
Joe Profaci. Carlo Gambino. Vinnie Mangano. Joe Bananas. They all gotta die.
You can't fuck with them. They're heads of families!
They're friends of our enemy.
Take one of 'em out, and they'll all line up against us.
Every successor will owe his loyalty to us. Together we take out Maranzano, and each family gets a piece of his operation.
We gotta talk in private. I got a friend in Coney Island who's gonna open his restaurant just for us.
But that's an hour's drive.
Ya did good. I ain't seen the Boss so happy in weeks.
When ya got all that blood workin' in your belly, it ain't upstairs where it needs to be.
The kid just called me stupid.
Not stupid. Fat.
Sure. But ya got a deck a cards? I wanna play some Klob.
Come on, Charlie. We got business.
One move pardner, and you're a dead man.
You can't kill me. You gave your word, Charlie.
Don Maranzano. Welcome.
I've heard so much about this club of yours. I had to come and see.
Good liquor draws a good crowd.
I must know more of you, my son.
Then perhaps you need to know me.
Salvatore. My young Caesar. First me, Sallie. Then you.
Mussolini is raping Sicily like every Roman before him. So our brothers are coming to America. Soldiers willing to fight and die. Men who know the meaning of honor.
And how many soldiers do you have?
I've got friends.
I have six hundred. Soldiers. And more every week off the boat.
He's an animal!
The Internal Revenue came to my offices. I turned over all my ledgers. They found nothing. Charlie, I am a businessman.
We combine everything. You are my second in command.
What about the share.
You get fifteen percent.
I got partners.
Your Calabrian friend, I will accept. At least Costello eats pasta like us.
And the Jews?
Tell me, my son. Why did you go with Giuseppe? He's not our kind.
I found that out.
We learn from life.
That's why I'm here.
Conditions have changed. Some people have become too powerful.
If you give him the chance, Lansky will betray you like Judas.
I don't fuck my partners.
At first, it will hurt you. But you will come to understand and we will be strong together.
Even the beasts of the earth know who rightfully reigns.
They do what I tell 'em.
Salvatore. Always holding himself above.
We must be friends, Charlie.
Keep my terms and I won't be your enemy.
The terms will be mine.
The guy doin' the job names the price. If you don't like it, you can kill Masseria yourself.
I will be the Boss of All Bosses.
Tell it to the Calabrian. Tell it to the Jews.
You disrespect our tradition.
Forget it. That's past.
Why didn't you tell me that Maranzano had made you an offer?
And if I had known, I would have warned you to expect this. We could have prepared.
Masseria's been after me too.
Thank you for keeping me informed.
We were overdue to get hit.
You think this is a coincidence? Next week half your customers will be buying their Scotch, our Scotch, from Maranzano. In a month, he'll be in Scotland talking to my distillers, because you can't move product. I'll be out of business, and you'll be working for Maranzano.
We can operate around these guys.
Not by scurrying around like a puppies in a roomful of elephants.
Okay. I'm listening.
Strategy.
Talk English. Okay? I did lousy at school.
The Big Picture.
That's just what I'm sick of. Everybody lookin' ta knock somebody off! Greedy for what you got. A bunch of fuckin' hogs at the trough.
Bring order out of chaos. If you lead... they'll follow.
And what do you want out of this?
Know somethin'? This stuff's just kick-the-can on ponies.
Shuddup.
Wanna know what I think?
Spare us.
Those fucks can't leave each other alone. Maranzano and Masseria ain't gonna be satisfied until one of 'em starts a war.
Let 'em kill each other off! Why should we care?
Where's the stiff?
Sorry, Charlie. I gotta get my Johnson worked tonight.
Jesus.
Forget it.
Johnson's still on board. Even Maranzano won't screw with Nucky in Atlantic City. But everywhere else, we got nothing but problems.
I'll knock 'em in, Charlie. I can do it. Blow his fuckin' head off. Get rid of the bastard for good.
Masseria's scared. He might make our deal.
So we're gonna knock 'em both off?
Maranzano wants you dead.
Everybody's talkin' about ya, Charlie. First time anybody ever got took for a ride and lived.
Guess I'm just lucky.
I'm a hard guy. I done more jobs than alla you combined. And I never said no. Not once. But dammit I don't understand why the hell we gotta kill our friends!
Yes?
I'm comin' for my twenty thousand.
Luciano is dead?
What a cozy little scene.
Kill them! Kill them!
What's it worth to ya, Boss?
Anything!
Anything ain't a very hard number.
One hundred thousand. No... three hundred thousand.
Jeez, Bugsy. Ya like ta scared the crap outta me.
Know something Tommy? You're a mensch.
That a Jew compliment?
Best we got.
Awww... deep down I'm a bastard, but when ya got eight kids ya can't make enemies.
Take any one ya like.
Kinda early for Christmas, Bugs.
You're fuckin' crazy.
But only on purpose, Tommy.
Now don't pick a fight. I'm staying over.
Special occasion?
Who did this?
Stu. That was right about the time we met.
When he first came in to the sleep lab?
Jesus, honey...he always joked about you <u>curing</u> him, but I never realized what you cured him <u>from</u>.
How do you get from <u>here</u> - to <u>there</u>?
Switch hands.
What?
Monkeybone?
Left-handed, he was <u>funny</u>. He'd been doing all this scary, intense work...then he found out he could draw this stuff, and make me laugh, and he liked that. <i></i> And then the nightmares just...stopped.
What's the maximum safe dose?
Most we've ever used is half a CC.
The thing is, I'm responsible for the way he's acting. It's the nightmare juice. It's got to be.
Julie, that stuff probably saved his life.
"4/17: Subject, when unaware of observation, prefers to hold eating utensils...with feet. Successfully carves turkey roll holding eating utensils...with feet."
Chasing me - animals - horrible -
Yeah, I know - Picasso. <u>Guernica</u>, right? That's what everybody says - although personally, I don't see the resemblance. What are you drinking?
Uhh - martini?
Olive or eyeball?
Olive. - Where exactly am I?
Dark Town. Land of nightmares. I'm Bull.
Stu Miley.
Jeez, it all looks like bad late-night cable.
<i></i> I beg your pardon?
I was, uh, just getting ready to leave...
Hey, Stu, why so glum? Everybody loves a good humiliation nightmare.
Three months, Bull. Three months tonight. Three months since the accident - and I'm no closer to going home than I was then.
Aw, buck up. Have another 'tini.
You're mad at me. Great. You have every right to be. But we're both mad at Dark Town. We're both mad at Hypnos.
Oh, sure. Now you're gonna tell me it was all <u>his</u> idea. You were completely innocent -
I'm not going to tell you that. I wanted that E- ticket. I wanted it so bad I'd stare <u>you</u> right in the face to get it - and I'd do the same again.
<u>Why</u>??
I have a girl up there. And I never - I should've - I just want to tell her I love her.
I'm a simple man. I'm just doing my job. I <u>enjoy</u> my job. Why does everyone want to make it difficult for me? Stealing tickets, switching bodies...it is <u>so</u> <u>irresponsible</u>.
Death, I'm trying to make things right. Take my soul. Turn me into a paper doll. But give me just one lousy hour.
If it wasn't for that comic strip of yours, I wouldn't be doing this. But a good chuckle is darned hard to come by. <i></i> That one where Monkeybone stole the soap cake out of the urinal - I thought I would die.
Coming from you, that's quite a compliment.
<i>De nada</i>. Now, come here...bend over...before I change my mind.
DEATH!!
I dress up when I want to make an impression. - So how'd it go?
Hey. Where's Monkeybone?
Back in your head, where he belongs. <i></i> No offense, Stu, but on your own you're kinda vanilla. I didn't want to send you back without him.
Back? You're sending me back?
It's irregular, but...I just love that strip of yours. I figure I'll take the "Family Circus" guy instead.
Death! Thank you!
Vital signs have stabilized. That's good.
Can you give us a realistic sense of my brother's chances?
He's held on this far. We can't do much but wait and see.
At the moment, yes.
Can you give me a realistic idea...of how long this is going to last?
Comas are unpredictable. He could wake up today, tomorrow, a month from now...
Three months. <i></i> There's always some brain damage. But at three months...the chances of coming back shrink dramatically with every day.
What's the matter?
I think it's a pig hair. <i></i> How much is McDonald's offering?
Oh, here's something. The city zoo is kicking off a fund-raising campaign. They wonder if you'd be willing to appear at a benefit.
How much?
Well, nothing. It's a benefit. But we could probably get <u>People</u> and <u>Entertainment Tonight</u> to cover it.
I get it. We could give the public the impression that we were doing something... charitable. Brilliant!!
You're really gonna pop the question?
Got the ring. Got the airline tickets. Soon as they break that piñata, we'll grab a cab - and it's off to the land of palm trees and coconuts.
I can't believe you. You used to hate being the center of attention. Now you're proposing, in public, at a benefit.
Sorry, Julie - won't be a minute. Now Stu - I know you don't like the idea, but you really ought to talk to these guys -
Go? There's a potload of money here, pal. You got three major toy companies...you got the guys from Burger God over here...
Burger God. The ones that found the pig hair in the french fries?
Herb, it's too much. It's all out of hand.
Do you know what kind of opportunity you have here? You gotta <u>strike</u>. I'm talking mansions. Lamborghinis. Champagne for mouthwash when you brush your teeth!
I don't want to be rich. It's just a trap!
Being rich is <u>not a trap</u>. That is a dirty lie perpetuated by rich people to keep the failures from killing them.
Herb. <u>I have to go</u>.
Why?
Oh my God...you're proposing?
My life was totally crappy, Herb, and she... fixed it. She made me happy. Which I'd never been. She loves me the way I am - <u>right now</u>. <i></i> I don't want everything to change. I don't want her saying yes to some big success. I just want her saying yes to me.
So here's my idea. We do a giveaway at the zoo benefit. We get a big piñata. We fill it with Monkeybone dolls - <u>hundreds</u> of 'em.
Holy shit.
No. I want to give him <u>more</u>. I want to give him a massive dose.
That's not going to stop his nightmare -
You know, Julie, even if this works - which it probably won't - that stuff is tricky. You don't know what it'll do to his brain.
The Nightmare Juice! It's gone! Somebody switched it for a beaker of grape Kool-Aid!!
Wait a minute. Stu Miley, right? Boys and girls ...Mr. Stu Miley, in the <u>house</u>! <i></i> This is an <u>honor</u>. We see a lot of nightmares down here, but yours are like <u>caviar</u>, man. You da <u>shits</u>!!
Mr. Hypnos, I saw a dream. My girlfriend was having it. She dreamed they were pulling the plug on me. She was watching me <u>die</u>.
Uh huh. And?
Kid - didn't they tell you about this party?
Tell me what?
It's a special kind of party. A <u>farewell</u> party. Do you...get what I'm saying?
I think I...I'm about to... Am I mistaken, or don't I get to... Is there some...
Besides, Julie wouldn't...she'd never...
Actually, Stu, Julie doesn't get to decide. That's why she was having the nightmare. <i></i> They're pulling the plug at nine AM.
Stu, I like you personally, I admire your work, but I'm just the God of Sleep. This is Death's bailiwick.
Maybe you could talk to Death!
Now Death is not what you would call a people person, like me. Death is a <u>putz</u> - and I should know. I'm his little brother.
You're Death's <u>brother</u>?
Guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I only have eleven hours and fifty-three minutes to...
Oh, right. Cheating Death. There's <u>one thing</u> you might try. Only one guy in <u>history</u> ever pulled it off. Well, actually two. Actually, no, there was that other guy who...well, <u>very few people</u> have done it.
Land of Death. How do I get there?
NO! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?? HE'S GOT MY E-TICKET! HE'S GOT MY -
Sorry, Steve, maybe next time. And how's our new guest settling in - ?
Easy, pal! I was coming to congratulate you. It ain't easy snatching one of those E-tickets. Steve here was the last guy to pull it off, and that musta been, what, 25 years ago...?
Why'd you do it? What'd I ever do to you?!?
It's simple, Stu. We need nightmares - lots of 'em. So whenever we can swing it, we send a guy up to stimulate the flow...a <u>nightmare maker</u>! Like Steve here. Poe. Rasputin...we've been doing this all the way back to Atilla and Genghis Khan!
But <u>why me</u>? Why'd you pick on <u>me</u>??
The monkey, of course. It was his idea.
Monkeybone...!?
Nobody wants to be a sidekick, Stu. So one day he comes to us - he's got a proposition. We help him get your body...in return he gives us all the nightmares we want.
You're nuts! I'm a comic strip artist! What's he gonna do - draw <u>really scary cartoons</u>??
Oh, baby, I can't believe you're back.
Meaning me, of course. I'm referring to myself. You have to assume Monkeybone would be a pretty lucrative franchise...
Bitchin' good cake.
Stu, are you...feeling okay?
Sure. Why?
You're acting kind of...odd.
What are you watching?
You sure this is...medically advisable?
Got a doctor on duty.
Priceless! Priceless! This stuff just <u>kills</u> me!
I'm heading in to work, baby. Are you sure you'll be okay?
Oh yeah. There's just one thing I don't get. "Monkeybone Creator Awakens from Coma" that's a big story! That's front page news! But I can't find a <u>word</u> of coverage in this stinkin' rag! <i></i> Hey. Don't I have a TV show?
They only made the one episode. They've shown it about nineteen times.
And speaking of which, here's the light of my life, the pert and saucy Miss Julie McElroy.
What's this about merchandising? You always hated merchandising!
Stu? Is that you? Where did you <u>go</u>?
Me? Nowhere. I was asleep.
Baby, don't lie. I know you went out.
You're wearing a <u>topcoat</u>, Stu. - Where are your pants?
We'll hop a plane tonight. An island ceremony. An Abba Dabba honeymoon!
It looks so...<u>new</u>.
It is new. Why wouldn't it be new?
But the heirloom ring. Your grandmother's ring...
Boy, the nuts are out tonight. What'd that creep call you - ?
You want to leave? But Stu - you're a big hit! Everyone loves you!
They don't love me. They love Monkeybone.
It was you who got the standing O. It was you drawing on the belly over there...
That was <u>especially</u> Monkeybone. Come on, Doc, I don't want to be stuck here with this bunch of media creeps. I just want to be <u>us</u>. Home. Alone! <i></i> I have something I have to give you.
Can't you give it to me later?
Look at this! He won't let us leave!
Who?
The monkey!! He's everywhere! He'll take over both our lives if we let him.
Stu - stop it. That monkey is <u>good luck</u>. You thought him up, and everybody loves him, and he's probably going to make you rich. So relax! Enjoy it!
I'm trying. It's weird, that's all. I never had any good luck, until I met you...what if it's all just another bad dream?
What's the "bad" part?
I might wake up.
<i></i> If you do, I'll be right there beside you. So face it. You're just going to have to be happy!
Did we just - <u>hit</u> something?
I don't think so.
I'm fine, baby. We're all okay. We were lucky.
Stu?
How was it? I don't recall.
Oh, Stu. Tell me I'm not dreaming.
What's the matter?
Oh, Julie...my poor Stu...my poor baby brother...
When'd you get in?
An hour ago. <i></i> I tried to prepare myself, but I didn't know he would be like, like <u>this</u>. I can't even bear to look at him... How about you? You're okay?
I'm fine, Kimmy. Fine.
I had so much I always wanted to say to him. At least he had a chance to give you the ring.
The ring...
Kimmy, he doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't even know he's in a -
Please, Julie. This is not easy for me. Our father took a <u>long</u> time to die. A long time. It just about killed us all. And Stu and I made a pact that when our time came - we wouldn't let it drag out.
It's too soon even to - <u>talk</u> about that!
Kimmy! What's the matter?
Nothing for him! He's being repressed.
Hypnos?
I'm so sorry, Stu. I <u>wanted</u> to tell you what was going on. I really, really liked you.
Kitty...<u>my</u> situation is really not important. The thing is, my girlfriend is now living with, and possibly engaged to, a demented monkey.
You're such a beautiful man. Look at you - stuck in this place, and only thinking of her.
Don't ask where I got it.
You can't do this! You'll get in trouble!
You're the only true-hearted man I ever met. You find a way back to that girl of yours and make her happy.
How am I gonna get past the guards?
Go. Just <u>go</u>.
<u>You</u> have humiliated me in public for the <u>last</u> <u>time</u>.
I doubt that. Besides, I can't help myself. I'm just a figment of your imagination.
Then you can learn to act normally. I had to!
Aw, come on. You know you love me. You're a masochistic pain freak. You <u>gotta</u> love me.
You are too! Mooning over Julie when we could <u>both</u> be gettin' some o' this fine local action. It's not like she's gonna know. Out of town, under five minutes, and in a coma don't <u>count</u>.
Aaah, it's the same as always...poor mope's just wishin' he was me.
My Fellow Americans. I have a dream. Let us boldly go where no man has gone before.
Come on, pal! It was a compliment! You'da done the same if you had the equipment!
THAT DOES IT! BACK IN THE PACK!
I'm reportin' this to my union!!
<u>What</u> union?
I left my phone number in your undies. Try not to lose it in traffic.
He's ninety. He's practically dead already. How come <u>he</u> goes back and <u>I</u> stay here?
Maybe he wanted to pick out his own casket?
<u>He</u> got an E-ticket. Where's mine? <u>When do I get</u> <u>to wake up</u>??
Stu? Stu? Let's not disturb the nice Reaper.
I've been stuck down here for <u>months</u>. Somebody had better start paying attention, or I'm gonna - I'm gonna <u>kick ass</u>!
Y'call that art? Why, my three-year-old can paint better than that.
How'd <u>you</u> get in there?
Stu... It's a <u>party</u>.
Pact? Pact? NO LIFE SUPPORT??
I'm so dumb! I <u>deserve</u> to die -
Fate worse than death! Well, it's been real, boss, but I gotta go buff up my resumé. ANYBODY HERE NEED A FIGMENT?
Fine! Don't put yourself out. I'll go to the land of Death alone.
Stu, you have my <u>absolute confidence</u>. ­- DEAD MAN! DEAD MAN WALKING!!
Hey. Aren't you gonna talk me into it?
You gotta talk me into it. You'll screw up on your own. I mean, a guy's gotta have a <u>sidekick</u>. For moral support! Wisecracks - snappy banter - <i></i> It's the land of Death, Stu, the Land of Death! Don't go in there without your comedy relief!!
All right. You can come.
OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! TH-- <i></i> Something went very, very wrong here.
He's taking her to the land of Death, right? So all we've gotta do is...hitch a ride! <i></i> Stop shaking! I'll protect you.
Where'd he go??
Stu...Stu...
IT'S NOT WORKING.
Stu...LOOK!
What?
You saved my life, Monkeybone. I never would've made it without you.
Move it. We got exactly five minutes left.
It's just...now that I'm leaving, I feel like there's lots of things I haven't said. Who's gonna look out for you? Are you gonna be okay when I'm gone?
Oh, don't you worry. I'll be fine.
Awwww. Worried about my feelings, are you? Well, there's a new twist.
Oh, please, don't hurt me.
I just need to use the phone, lady.
Oh, let me get out of your way then.
What happened? Did you lose your keys?
Excuse me, sir. I just wanted to thank you for helping me get into my building yesterday.
Yeah, sure, no problem, you're welcome.
My daughter lives across the street from you people and she tells me that you keep this area safe. Is that true?
We like to think so, yeah.
Who told you we deal drugs?
I'm just concerned about my daughter.
You don't have to worry. She's going to be fine. We're law-abiding citizens just like you.
What about yesterday? Kicking that poor boy?
Is there something else I can do for you?
Well, I'd love to see inside your club.
You want to come inside?
So, what do you think?
Well, once you're inside, it's nice.
Well, when I walked up the block, I ... well, my word!
I wanted to ask you something. Those motorcycles across the street ...?
Uh-huh?
... What are they all doing there?
That's the Satan's Disciples' New York headquarters.
The motorcycle gang? Don't they deal drugs and rape young girls?
I just can't seem to focus on anything these days.
That's why it's good you came to visit me.
How are you doing sweetheart?
I'm good.
Dating anyone?
No, I'm working too much, I don't have time.
What about the fellow in those pictures?
What pictures?
You know ... ... whoops!
Mother!
Well, they were right out in plain view.
Behind the books.
But I was dusting.
I was seeing Aaron and there were some ... complications.
He seemed quite taken with you.
I don't want to talk about it.
You know, you never tell me anything.
Don, this is my mother. Mom, this is my boss, Don Palmer.
Mother, I ...
What's wrong?
Mom ... I mean, it's amusing to imagine such a thing, but ... how many of those pills have you been taking?
Oh, that has nothing to do with it.
Mom, I need to talk to you.
If it's about the bikers, dear, I don't want to talk about it.
No, I had a dream about daddy. Do you think I'll ever meet anyone like him?
Oh, I hope so, dear.
You know that guy in the pictures you saw?
Aaron?
Yeah ... turned out to be a real jerk.
It's unusually quiet tonight, isn't it?
I think you should consider coming out and staying with me longer.
Oh, I don't want to be in the way. You've got your career and everything.
You wouldn't be in the way. I like having you around.
Dear, I was thinking. Why don't we go to Paris next year? I've never been. Your father, God bless him, wasn't much for traveling.
Here you go. I think you should talk to Dr. Byrne when you get back about how much Valium he's prescribing. Okay?
At my age, I'm going to take any pill that makes me feel better.
Mother!
I love you, Mom. I have to run. You remembered to call the limousine service, right?
Mm hmm.
Well, bye. And have a safe trip ... and ... Paris in the spring!
Who is it?
It's Marika. Is Paula there?
She's at work. I'm her mother.
I'm sorry. I had a wretched night.
And there was this number on my phone bill that I didn't recognize. Calls made at three and four in the morning. So, I called the number ... and a woman answered. And I ... I hung up. So, then I followed him. Just like in the movies. And I found out that he has a wife and a little girl living in Brooklyn.
Men ... they're all the same. Our pastor in Sioux Falls was caught with his wife's sister.
Really?
Oh, it was such a big scandal.
What happened?
You know, you ought to come out to South Dakota some time and meet my son, Steve. He's single.
What does he do?
He's an organic farmer.
I wonder what they do in there? Don't they frighten you? They all look so ...
Where to?
Are you sure you got my bag in?
What do you think? I left it on the curb?
I came to New York to visit my youngest daughter.
And where is she?
She would have come to the airport to meet me - she wanted to - but ... but, she just started a new job and, well, I guess no one drives here.
So, you come here all by yourself?
Uh, yes. My husband passed away recently ...
... Oh ...
... And the children thought I should take a trip.
Yeah.
I'm from South Dakota. Where are you from?
Moscow.
Ohhh. Do you know the East Village?
Oh, yeah ... yeah ... it's a hellhole.
You mean it's dangerous?
This is one-way street. You go down the block to the middle.
This way?
I see. How much?
Forty-five all total.
Forty-five? I thought it was only supposed to be thirty?
Here you are, Senator. Not a bad desk, either. Daniel Webster used to use it.
Daniel Webster? Sat here? Say--that man was a great orator.
Give you something to shoot at, Senator--if you figure on doing any talking.
Not me, sonny. I'm just going to sit around and listen. What's this?
Calendar for the day. You'll find the Senate Manual in the drawer. Anything else you want, just snap for a page.
Where's the Majority Leader?
The Majority Leader? Right over there. And that's [ ] the Minority Leader. They're both pretty good in the clinches.
Uh-huh. And where's the Press Galery?
Right up there over the Vice- President's chair--the four in the front row represent the four big news services. You've met the press bunch, haven't you?
Oh, yes--they're fine people--regular people.
Look out for those fellows--they tell the truth about you--sometimes. That corner over there is reserved for guides and sightseers who come in for five minutes to rest their feet. That section over there is reserved for Senator's friends. The front row--the empty one--is for the President and White House guests-- see that old couple over there-- they've attended every session for the last
Those busts up there--all around the wall--who are they, sonny?
All the ex-vice-Presidents. You can get ten-to-one around here if you think you can remember their names. The Vice-President presides over the Senate--you know that. It's how he earns his pay. Oh--over there, Senator-- on the east side of the Chair we still have the old snuff boxes with real snuff in them if you like snuff.
Thanks very much, sonny--
I'll take your hat into the cloak room.
Here--let me give you a Boy Ranger button.
--what possible explanation can you offer for this charge being--as you say--"trumped up" against you!
It was done to stop me from talking about a section of the Appropriations Bill!
It was?
And you say you never signed this contract with Mr. Allen?
I did not--
You've never *seen* this contract.
Never.
But you did *talk* to Mr. Allen about that and--?
I--I discussed it with him--yes-- because I--you see, I've always had this camp in mind--but I made no contract with him!
Then--this is *not* you signature, Senator?
Looks like it, but--
But it *isn't*?
It couldn't be.
You are saying, in effect, that this is a forgery?
Yes, sir--big as life. Been there some time now.
What's he bringing pigeons for?
Positively not in the station! Gone!
And while you're at it, get me a bed!
Let's send out a pigeon!
Sure. Sure. I'll hang a light in the steeple. One if by land--two if by sea!... Okay! Diz--you won't believe it. Daniel Boone's *lost*!
How do you *like* this! You don't suppose that ranger met up with some kids--and took 'em for a hike!
That--or he's out blazing trails. He'll show up.
Getting on to dinner, isn't it, pal?
Well--who d'you take this time--Paine, Bill, Carl--or McGann?
Hey--you're into me for a buck already. I say--McGann. Shoot the whole dollar.
No, not yet, Senator Paine--not hide nor hair of the man. You mean to say the boys haven't--?
Eight to five Little Boy Blue is plastered.
Tell me why!
Well, because you're doing all right at the minute.
When Foley died, why didn't I clear out? How many times, did you hear me say I was fed up on politics and--? But *no*--I let 'em talk me into staying. Secretary to a leader of little squirts. Why? Because I need the job and a new suit of clothes.
Would you settle for a husband?
What's this, Diz?
That old standing offer from Diz Moore--Poet of Washington Correspondents.
Huh?
Oh--that again. Yeah.
I would cherish you--and stay sober.
Diz, you're a swell playmate--but--. Maybe if I saw you once with your hair combed, or something--or--no, no--I don't think even that would do it--
Well, if you're sure it wouldn't--no use combing my hair for nothing.
No--don't do it. I'm sure. The truth is, Diz--there's no man I've seen yet or--must be something wrong with me. I've been feeling low for weeks.
You got worms.
What! Who?
You know--little worms--ambition.
I'm still asking myself--what is he-- animal, vegetable, or mineral? A Senator! A United States Senator! I thought I'd seen everything but-- why, he doesn't know what time it is, Diz! When I think of myself sitting around--playing straight for all that phoney, patriotic chatter-- *me*, carrying bibs for an infant with little flags in his fists--no, I can't take it, Diz--I'm through--I quit!
Will you go chase an ambulance!
Kid--wait--what do you think you're going to do?
Get my *whole* fall outfit--and quit this job in style!
Now, you've got more sense than to put Nosey onto this guy--!
Sit tight, Diz. The show commences in just a minute.
What show? Would you mind telling me what's coming off here?
Ah. One of the supporting characters.
That gorilla in Man's clothing-- McGann.
Oh, you mean--Puss in Boots.
The Silver Knight. Soul of Honor--on a tight-rope.
What do I play?
You play--left field.
Frankly, kid--are you goofy?
Did you like the first act?
Yeah. What about the second act?
Well--I stuck my foot in it again at the President's press conference today-- How come so early? Get the day off?
They decoyed the little General off to a tea party to keep him out of the Senate.
Well, well-- Yeah--I got smart and thought I'd slip one over on the old man in the press meeting. I said, "Mr. President, about the monopoly investigation--" And he jumps right in and says, "Diz, if you were sitting in my chair, would you answer the question you're about to ask?" He had me.
I don't mind *who* gets licked in a *fair* fight, Diz. It's these clouts below the belt I can't take. Sicking that horrible dame on him--when he's goofy about her--
What dame?
Paine.
Oh--yeah--
He isn't going to hurt enough as it is. *She* has to twist a knife in him, too--the regal jackass! "I'll turn my glamour on him," she says--
Forget it, kid. What's it *to* you?
Nothing. I'm just saying--I might be able to lie, cheat, steal--and I'd still tear into a guy I saw kicking a dog. Not that *he* is, by a long shot--
Okay. So what? Stop worrying. I've told you--the dopes are gonna inherit the earth anyway--
I've wondered, Diz--maybe this Don Quixote's got the jump on all of us. I've wondered--maybe it's a curse to go through life wised up like you and me--
Now, look, kid--if we're gonna wonder, let's go down and do it over a hunk of steak. Come on, snap out of it. Diz Moore-- that rarest of companions--is here at your side. To genteel crime, kid.
Why do I always laugh at that?
"There's more light here," he says--
Drunks are funny--
Yeah. Funny--
Yeah.
Yeah. Some of my best friends are funny.
Every time I think of it, I get a laugh, Diz.
My friends?
Old Don Quixote--man of the people Smith--
Waiter!
Now, you've gone and let Don Quixote in here again. I told you to keep him out!
Shut up, Diz.
And I got him all dressed up, too-- to go way up in a balloon--so they can drop him a long way--make sure they break his heart. Why, not all the Boy Rangers in the world, working night shifts, 'll be able to put Humpty-Dumpty together again--
Now--how'd Humpty-Dumpty get in here?
Do you know how I felt, Diz?
No. How'd you feel? Quick.
Like a mother sending her kid off to school for the first time--watchin' the little fella toddling off--in his best bib and tucker--and you sink in the middle--hoping he can stand up to the other kids--won't get his feeling hurt--and--if you could only spare him the knocks he's gotta take-- Say--who started this?
*I'm* just waiting for a street car--
Well--cut it out. See? Who *cares* anyway?
I apologize.
*All right*, then. After all, what's it to me? So they *drop* him out of a balloon. All I care is--I don't want to be around. See? Squeamish. See? That's what I am. No, sir. I don't have to take it. Won't be a party to no murder. I'm gonna quit. I'm through.
Again? Good idea.
Diz--
Yeah.
How about getting married?
Good idea. When?
Any time.
Tonight?
Okay. You don't mind?
I'll cherish ya.
You--you've been a good egg, Diz. Maybe we could clear out of this town--get to feel like *people*--get the habit of lifting up our eyes-- live like we just got out of a tunnel.
Tunnel?
You've never seen prairie grass with the wind leaning on it, have you, Diz?
Is the wind tired out there?
Or angry little mountain streams-- and cattle moving against the sun. You haven't seen any of that, have you, Diz?
Have *you*?
No.
Do we *have* to?
No! I can't think of anything more sappy!)
Well, let's get going.
Where?
We're gonna get married.
Yeah--that's right. Diz--
What?
I case you don't know--I want to give ya a chance to back out if you don't like it--
What?
My first name's--Clarissa.
Yeah, I know. That's okay.
Don't say "okay," Diz. Say you think it's beautiful.
Okay--I mean--
You don't know a name off-hand you like better, do you, Diz?
No--not offhand--
Nothing like--uh--Susan--or anything like that, huh?
Susan? Nah!
I won't take it! See? I won't be party to murder. See? Steering a poor dope up blind alleys for that grafting Taylor mob is low enough. But helping that dame cut him up in little pieces besides--nobody's gonna make me do that. No, sir.
You said it!
Hey! We're gettin' married--!
Well--let's dig up the preacher, kid.
Huh?
You know, we're getting married.
He's cooked! They'll drum the poor lug out of that chamber tomorrow as sure as I'm--! And now they're all down on him. Yeah--my press pals, too--he's a bad egg--still water running deep. Boloney! It's the frame of all time! When I see a phoney like this--my journalist blood boils-- I wanna *fight*! Look, kid--rack your brains, will you? Haven't you got any confidential
I've told you ten times--if I had anything they couldn't bat down in a second, don't you suppose I'd've been up in that hearing yelling murder! Sure--he was cooked the night I sounded off like a fool and spilled the whole works!
Then--in the name of kindness to dumb animals--we can't let him walk into that Senate tomorrow and take a terrible punch in a nose! A couple of us went up there--told him all he could do was beat it--resign--clear out. But--he's in a daze--he's been hit by a ton of bricks. Just says, "I haven't done anything. Why should I resign?" He might *listen*
Why me?
Come on--don't pull that. You know you'd give your right--. What are you staying away from him for?
You don't think he'd want *me* within fifty miles, do you?--after the exhibition he saw me give! Did you see his *face*--?
All I know is--he said to me tonight-- "What does your wife think?" My wife. Thinks we're married--
The war's on!
He's a house-afire!
Diz!
Kid--he thinks he's talking to that mob at home, but not a line we've written--not a word he's said from that floor has gotten into that home State.
What!
Not a word! Taylor's sewed up every paper. They're tossing out everything that comes in over the wires!
I knew it! I knew a night's rest wasn't possible in this house! Hubert!
Wha--? Yes, sweetheart-- Wha--?
That infernal phone!
Yes, yes--phone, phone-- A--an outrage, pet--an outrage--I'll look into this-- Hello--Joe!--What!--No! Not really! Terrible!
Yes, Joe, yes--right away.
What is it?
Sam Foley--dead!
Great saints!
Of all the times! Of all the times! Two months to the end of his term-- and Foley has to go and die on us--
Whom are you calling--in the dead of night?
Taylor, my dear.
Can't that wait, Hubert?
No, no--believe me, pet--this is *most* urgent-- Hello, hello. Is Taylor there?-- Governor Hopper. Quickly, please--
This isn't a home, it's the crossroads of the world!
Now, now, Emma, dear--you mustn't forget we have been chosen by the people of this commonwealth to--
Save that for the laying of cornerstones, Hubert! Oh, that morning you looked in the mirror and saw a statesman!
Dinner, Hubert.
I'll bear that in mind... What? Oh. Dinner. Pet--my stomach couldn't hold a bird seed.
Really, my dear--I don't feel like a thing.
Nonsense. Why don't you listen to your children for a change? You might actually learn something?
I do *not* want a Senator. And I do *not* want any more of this nonsense! Emma!
Otis!
Emma! I'm a man at the end of his rope.
No wonder--without your dinner.
Emma, which is it--Horace Miller or Henry Hill?
Are you ready for him, Bill?
All set. Foley's rooms in the Senate office building--nice, big clean desk--lot of Senator stationery to write his little boys on--and Foley's secretary, Saunders, to make it look like the real thing--
Good. Are the newspaper men at the hotel?
Yup--Sweeney, Flood, Farrell--waiting for you--
Fine. The first thing to do is-- present Mr. Smith to the press--in the *right* way. Hurry him along, Bill.
How do you feel, champ?
All right, why?
Your name's spreading like wild-fire out here--you are the winterbook favorite to get on the National ticket.
Yes, yes--tell them I'll see them immediately--immediately! I can't hold them off! They want something to say about this appointment. Ten to one they've got a man.
Relax, Happy. Jim said to wait.
I *can't* wait, McGann! You go into that room and tell Jim Taylor and Joe Paine that I give them *one more minute*--
*You* tell Jim Taylor.
Terrific! A born stooge! Horace'll perform like a trained seal.
He's batty!
Oh--oh.
Look here, Jim--if you and Joe are going to gab about this appointment *any* longer, I'm going ahead and see those committees!
You'll see those committees when we're finished!
One minute! Just one minute!
Happy, we've got the man. Horace Miller!
Happy, for reasons there isn't time to go into--it's got to be Miller! We've given you the man. Now write the ticket. Come on, Joe. Come on, Chick.
They put up *their* candidate? Who?
Henry Hill.
*Henry Hill?* That crackpot? That long-haired--! Why, you should have killed that so fast--!
I--I couldn't, Jim. Those men were--
We can't help *what* they were! Forget 'em!
Jim, that bunch is out for blood. If I throw Horace in their teeth now--
I said forget 'em! Horace Miller goes to the Senate--and that settles it!
I *won't* send Horace Miller!
*You won't?*
I *won't* let you stand there callously and perhaps wreck my whole political future!
--a *boy ranger* a squirrel chaser-- to the United States Senate!
What!
But you went ahead and made this appointment without asking me--
Jim--when the lightning hit, I--I just--
*But you never asked me*!
Boy Ranger! The answer to a prayer. Manna from heaven! Didn't know the time of day--!
Will you please tell me *exactly* what he's done?
Yes! He's about to blow the whole machine to smithereens--and *you with it*, Mr. Governor!
Me! Jim--how--?
You couldn't understand! Listen, Ten Thumbs, I'll be on my way to Washington in half an hour. Whatever happens, I'm all ready for this Ranger of yours. Never mind how. You'll get your instructions from Ken Allen here. It isn't anything you have to do. I wouldn't trust you to lick a stamp. Allen'll do it himself. You just use your *high office* to
Y-yes, Jim.
Now--now--please--that's quite all right. Relax, boys--
This--this is a great honor, sir. I-- I--
Not at all. I've come to pay you a personal and official--and I might say--a *tardy* tribute, Mr. Smith, for your recent heroic conduct.
Oh, now, I'm afraid that's been exaggerated some--
No. No. A signal service to the State. Yes, indeed. And not only that but-- uh--I've heard of your excellent work in leading and guiding our youth--
Well--that's not work, sir--that's fun.
Well--yes--I was saying--the State should reward you--
Aw--
--And it is in my power to confer a very signal honor upon you. In my official capacity, therefore, I--
Thanks, Governor--*yes*! Do you mind? His head--Ma'll take the tail.
The--head?
What were you saying, Governor? Sorry.
What's the matter, Dad? Is it getting you down?
Gosh, Pop--head of the Boy Rangers!
I did. What about it?
Well, Jeff put that out himself.
"Boy Stuff." That's the name of Jeff's magazine. He prints it. Look--here's one--oh, it's great-- *everybody* reads it--all the kids in the State--a million of 'em. Look, Pop--let me read you a--
He's the greatest *American* we got, too, Dad. Can tell what George Washington said--by heart. An' "Boy Stuff's" got the swellest stuff in it.
No, *sir*! You couldn't do better, Dad.
Than what?
Jeff for Senator.
A dirty frame!
I *thought* I heard... Yes?
Uh--Jefferson Smith's residence?
Yes. Come in.
Is--uh--Jefferson Smith at home?
Well--it started with a little mimeograph sheet--and it's just grown out of all sense and reason--
Maybe you'd like to come along and watch, Governor? Jefferson's done a wonderful job with that leg.
A pet shop?
I just can't, son--not the head and tail both!
Gee, I wouldn't appoint an old twerp like Horace Miller--Taylor or no Taylor!
Taylor! May I ask what *Taylor* has to do with it?
Well, he's still running the show, ain't he, Dad?
That's easy. Jefferson Smith.
When Jeff gets through with Taylor, Pop--
Washington!
Yeah, for the fifth time, Senator-- Washington.
My pigeons--I better see about my pigeons.
The porter's got them. They're coming.
Just a minute, I better make sure.
Here they are--I got them. They are all right.
All right, Senator--let's get these bags and the livestock together--
Look! There it is!
You should hear our Ranger Band rattle that off--if you want to *hear* something! Good evening, Miss Saunders. Good evening Mister McGann.
H'ya, Senator. I--I've sorta been looking for you--
Uh--Senator--I thought you and me might go out to dinner together--and grab off a few monuments.
He's a newspaper publisher I know-- and--
What makes you think he's got *anything* to do with it?
Where were you?
Mr. President!
Mr. President!
I addressed the Chair first, sir!
Will the Senator yield?
For a question!
Has the gentleman the effrontery-- standing there convicted and in disgrace--to try to force the postponement of that bill--?
For one week!
Will the Senator yield for a question?
I yield.
Well, it isn't much, but if you insist, here's this week's.
"Boy Stuff." Why, printer's ink runs in your veins, Jeff. You're just like your father.
Thank you, sir.
Even to the hat. Same old dreamer, too. One look at you and I can see him, back of his old roll top desk, hat and all, getting out his paper. Always kept his hat on his head so as to be ready to do battle. Clayton Smith, editor and publisher, and champion of lost causes.
Yeah, Dad always used to say the only causes worth fighting for were lost causes.
You don't have to tell me Jeff. We were a team, the two of us, a struggling editor and a struggling lawyer. The twin champions of lost causes, they used to call us.
Ma's told me about it a thousand times.
His last fight was his best, Jeff. He and his little four-page paper against that mining syndicate and all to defend the right of one small miner who stuck to his claim. You know, they tried everything, bribery, intimidation, then--well--
Yes, Ma found him slumped over his desk that morning...
Shot in the back. I was there. I can see him at that old roll top desk, still with his hat on... still with his hat on...
I know. I suppose, Mr. Paine, when a fellow bucks up against a big organization like that, one man by himself can't get very far, can he?
I mean, sir--if I'm going to stay in the Senate--I ought to know what I'm doing--at least, I ought to try to study the Bills that are coming up--
The *Bills*? Jeff--let me advise you-- as your father would--politics is a business--sometimes a cruel business. In your time here, you couldn't even start on those Bills. They're put together by legal minds--after a long study. Why, after twenty years, I can't understand half of them myself. No, really, Jeff--in your own interests--
Well, then--I--I don't feel I can stay, sir.
Jeff, look--didn't you say something to the papers about wanting to create a National Boys' camp? Were you in earnest about that?
Yes, I was--
Well, why not do it? There's a job for you. Get a Bill started to accomplish it--present it to Congress-- it would be a great experience--
Senator Paine, if I could do just that one thing while I'm here, I-- I'd feel that I--
What's to stop you? Saunders will help you with it--
I will, sir! I will! I--I don't know how to thank you. I knew, if any man could help me--
Nonsense, Jeff.
Thank you, sir. Thank you for your time.
Here--where are you running off to?
I'm sorry! Gee! I hope--
That's all right, my boy--don't bother--
Gosh! Well--looks good as new. If there *is* any damage, I'll--
Well--goodnight.
Goodnight, Jeff.
--I may not know much about a lot of things, sir--but I know that Willet Creek country like a book--and--and I tell you, Senator Paine--there's something *wrong* about this dam-- why, there isn't a foot of water in that creek--it's dry four months out of the--
Jeff--listen--this was all taken up in the State Legislature and approved-- they're going to divert waters from up above--
But--there are a hundred other places in the state that *need* the water. Besides--I talked to Kenneth Allen, who owns some of that land--and he didn't say anything about a dam. No-- I'm sure, sir--there's something wrong--and I--I won't vote on this thing until I get a lot of questions answered--
Jeff! You're trying to understand in a moment everything about a project that took two years to set up--the reasons--the benefits--
Y-yes.
Yield *how*, sir?
Will he yield for a question?
Ah, now, that's better.
Will he *yield*?
For a *question*.
Does my colleague's piece concern Section Forty of the bill--a dam on Willet Creek?
It does!
Every *aspect* of this matter--the gentleman's attack on that section-- everything--was dealt with in the committee hearing--
Mr. President--
I wish to ask the gentleman--has he one shred of evidence to add now to the defense he did not give--and *could* not give at that same hearing?
I have no defense against forged papers and--
Will the Senator--
Mr. President! A point of order!
Mr. President--
He has imputed to me conduct unworthy a Senator--and I demand he be made to yield the floor--!
Mr. President--I did not say that Senator Paine was one of those Congressmen I saw. If the chair please, I will deny that Senator Paine *saw* Taylor or even knows him--
Yes, sir, I yield for a question.
Yes, sir, you bet I would.
Please, sir!--come with me!
No, Jeff--please--!
Good evening, sir. I was just making some-- Governor Hopper!
Oh, now--
Jefferson--
Yes, Ma?
Excuse me for interrupting, Governor, but-- --that plaster's gonna harden any second, son.
Jerry! Blackie! Queenie! Let's have it quiet, fellows!
Now, now, now--that isn't going to get you any place. Get a firm grip, Ma!
Satan's in this little fella tonight!
Now, Amos, now-- What?
Hello, Jefferson.
Hello, Ma. Clarissa, Ma. She'll be stayin' a while--
Fine--
And Senator Paine too, Ma--we'd like to have him--
Certainly would, Joseph.
How's Amos, Ma?
Just fine.
Well. I hear you've been right on your toes since you got here. Pitching right in. Lots of people took you for dumb--but they're wrong. You're smart. In fact, *I* think you're smart enough to understand a situation when it's explained to you--
Like what, Mr. Taylor?
Well now--just to take an example-- putting up a dam--on Willet Creek. As I look at it--that dam's going to do the people of our state a lot of good--
Yes, so I was told, Mr. Taylor, but--
But you have some objections here and there. And maybe right, for all I know. But the point is--there's no sense stopping the whole works now-- specially after some men have worked hard for a long time to put this through--
What is your interest in this, Mr. Taylor?
Can't you?
You mean--you tell these men--and Senator Paine what to do?
Yes! I've told Senator Paine for twenty years--
What is it?
Office of--Senator Smith?
*No*!
The man downstairs said number--
What's your name?
Is--is something the matter?
Oh, no--no! My dear *Senator*--it may be customary out on the prairie to take French leave of people and not be heard of again for five hours--
Gee--I'm sorry about that, Miss--you *are* Miss Saunders, aren't you?
Yes, I'm Saunders--and this is Mr. Moore--a member of the press. Meet the *Senator*, Mr. Moore.
Gee, I'm sorry. You see, it wasn't until I was fairly well along in the bus that I realized--
Did you say--bus?
One of those sightseers--you know. You see, I--gosh, I've never been called absent-minded or... but there it was all of a sudden--looking right at me through one of the station doors--
There *what* was?
--big as life--sparkling away there under the sun. I--I started walking toward it--and there was a bus outside-- and--well--I--I just naturally got aboard--
Most natural thing in the world!
I don't believe I've been so thrilled in my--oh, and that Lincoln Memorial! Gee! There he is--Mr. Lincoln--looking right at you as you come up the steps-- sitting there like he was waiting for someone to come along--
Now, if you're ready, Senator, we can start for the hotel. I'll *see* that you get there.
Whose statue is that?
The Capitol Dome! Lighted up!
You--uh--you better relax, Senator. You'll be plumb wore out.
Tell me, Miss Saunders--what time does the Senate--uh--what do they call it?
Convene?
Convene--that's it--yes. I got to pick up some of those parliamentary words. I imagine a fellow can get pretty lost in the Senate without 'em--
With or without 'em. Twelve--noon. The Senate convenes at twelve o'clock.
Gosh--that'll be something! You know what I better do in the morning?
No. What had you better--?
Go out to Mount Vernon. It'd be a sort of fine thing to do--see Washington's home just before walking into the Senate for the first time-- don't you think?
No, gee--I couldn't stay here--
You *couldn't*?
Go ahead--punch.
Punch?
I had a lot to do with that little press conference last night--
Well, then, I--I *thank* you, Miss Saunders! Nothing better could have happened--. Yes *sir*, Miss Saunders, we're going right ahead with it!
We're going right ahead with--*what*?
Why, the Bill--the Bill--to make a National Boys' Camp...
One moment, Senator. Do I understand you're going to present a *Bill*?
Sure! A Bill. Senator Paine and I decided it was the one way in the world I could make myself--
Pardon me. Senator Paine decided this *with* you?
Yes. Sure. It was his idea. *I* should have been the one to think of it--
My dear Senator, have you the faintest idea of what it takes to get a Bill passed?
I know--but you--you're going to help.
If I were *triplets*, I couldn't--. Look, Senator--let me give you a rough idea. A member has a Bill in mind--like you--a camp. Right?
Right.
Fine. Now, what does he do? He's got to sit down first and write it up. The where, when, why, how--and everything else. That takes time--
Oh, but this one is so simple.
I see. *This* one is so simple--
And with your help--
Oh, yes. And *I'm* helping. Simple-- and I'm helping. So we knock this off in record-breaking time of--let's say three or four days--
Oh, just a day--
A *day*!
Tonight.
Tonight. Look--uh--I don't want to seem to be complaining, Senator--but in all civilized countries, there's an institution called *dinner*--!
Oh--dinner. Yes. Well, I'm hungry, too. I thought--maybe--we could have something brought in--you know, like big executives who eat off trays. You see, we've got to light into this and get it going--
Uh-huh. Well, dinner comes in on trays. We're executives. And we light into this. It is dawn. Your Bill is ready. You go over there and introduce it--
How?
You get to your feet in the Senate and present it. Then you take the Bill and put it in a little box-- like a letter box--on the side of the rostrum. Just hold it between thumb and forefinger and drop it in. Clerks read it and refer it to the right committee--
Committee, huh?
Committee.
Why?
That's how Congress--or any large body--is run. All work has to be done by committee.
Why?
Look--committees--small groups of Senators--have to sift a Bill down-- look into it--study it--and report to the whole Senate. You can't take a Bill no one knows anything about and discuss it among ninety-six men. Where would you get?
Yes, I see that.
Good. Where are we?
Some committee's got it.
Yes. They give it to a *sub*- committee, where they really give it a going over--hold hearings--call in people and ask questions--then report back to the bigger committee--where it's considered some more, changed, amended, or whatever. Days are going by, Senator. Days--weeks. Finally, they think it's quite a Bill. It goes over to the House of Representatives for debate and a vote. *But* it's
Calendar?
That's the order of business. Your Bill has to stand *way* back there in line unless the Steering Committee decides it is important enough to be--
What's that?
What?
The Steering Committee.
Do you really think we're getting anywhere.
Yes. Sure. What's a Steering Committee?
A committee of the majority party leaders. They decide when a Bill is important enough to be moved up toward the head of the list--
*This* is.
Pardon me--*this* is. Where are we now?
We're over in the House.
Yes. House. More amendments--more changes--and the Bill goes back to the Senate--and *waits its turn on the calendar again*. The Senate doesn't like what the house did to the Bill. They make more changes. The House doesn't like *those* changes. Stymie. So they appoint men from each house to go into a huddle called a conference and battle it out. Besides that, all the
Yes. Shall we start on it right now-- or order dinner first?
Pardon?
I said--shall we get started *now* or--
No! Go right ahead, Miss Saunders.
Thanks very much.
--that's the main idea, Miss Saunders. The United States Government isn't going to buy or build this camp-- just lend us the money. You've made a note of that, huh?
Yes, Senator--*twice*.
Uh--have you? Did you ever have so much to say about something--you couldn't say it?
Try sitting down.
I did--and--and I got right up.
Now, let's get down to particulars. How big is this thing? Where is it to be? How many boys will it take care of? If they're going to buy it-- how do they make their contributions? Your Bill has to have all that in it--
On paper?
Well--gosh--that--that isn't "particulars," is it?
But you've just taken care of the spirit all right.
Well, anyway, it's *something* like that-- And it *is* important. That--that Steering Committee has *got* to see it that way. And I'm sure Senator Paine will do all he can-- He's a fine man, Miss Saunders, isn't he? He knew my father, you know.
He did?
We need a lot like him--his kind of character--ideals.
Uh--getting back to this, Senator--
Yes, yes--
Now, this camp is going to be out in your state, of course--
About two hundred of the most beautiful acres that ever were! Mountains, prairie land, trees, streams! A paradise for boys who live in stuffy cities-- You don't know that country out there, do you, Miss Saunders?
No.
You mean--here?
Baltimore. Pure city-dweller.
But you've had beautiful country all around you. You've just had to life up your eyes!
City-dwellers never do that--for fear of what might drop *in* 'em.
Have you always had to--work?
Since sixteen or so.
I take it your--your parents couldn't-- uh--
No, they couldn't. Father was a doctor. The kind who placed ethics above collections. That speaks well for Father but it always left us kind of-- Could we get on with this, Senator?
It hasn't been easy, has it?
No complaints.
But--I mean--for a woman--And--you've done awfully well--
Have I?
I never met anyone more--more intelligent--or capable. I--I don't know where I'd be on this bill of mine without your help--
I don't see where we are *with* it.
No! Gosh! I better get moving here, Miss Saunders-- Everybody else calls you just plain "Saunders." Why can't I?
Go right ahead.
Saunders. That's better. Good morning, Saunders. Hello, Saunders. How's the bill coming, Saunders--?
Terrible, thank you.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, we've got "Saunders" settled. Maybe that was my trouble all along. YEs, *sir*. I'm all ready to go now-- What's your *first* name?
Why?
Well--nobody calls you anything but Saunders.
I also answer to whistles.
You--you've *got* a first name, haven't you?
Look--I think we ought to skip it.
All right. Sure. Just curious. The picture popped into my mind all of a sudden of a pump without a handle-- or something--
Well, if it's all the same to you--
I know. It's--Violet.
It *is* not!
Abigail.
No!
Letitia.
No!
Lena.
No! Stop it!
I've got more. You better tell me.
You win. It's--Clarissa.
Clarissa. Oh. Uh-huh. Well, Saunders--let's go--
Now, *Susan*--that's really a *pretty* name--
Susan! Susan Paine--that's beautiful--
And a beautiful woman, too--don't you think?
Uh--Willet Creek. It's just a little stream--
In Terry Canyon?
You--don't know it, do you?
No--
You couldn't. You've never been out there, you said.
No, I haven't. I guess I thought the name was familiar. By the way, you discussed with Senator Paine where the camp was to be situated and everything?
Well--no. I didn't. Why?
Nothing. I just wondered. No *reason* to take it up with him. "--about a quarter of a mile on either side of Willet Creek--"
What do they--? Who are all those--?
One of the plagues on members of Congress--office-seekers, cranks, people with pet bills. Get my son into West Point--or *outta* West Point. I've got a scheme to put people to work. How do I get rid of cockroaches? Some woman's composed a hymn to replace the Star Spangled Banner. Want to hear it?
No--not today! Boy, I feel like a house afire! Saunders--how did I do?
Great.
I--I don't know how I got it out. My heart was right up here all the time-- I wonder what Senator Paine thought of it?
Must have been tickled pink.
Gee--I hope so. What's all this?
Contributions from boys who read about your camp.
Already? All these letters?
Oh, those are only local. Wait'll they start pouring in from all over the country.
Do you mean all--look--look we'd better open them up--see what they say here--look at the money--what does it say--"Dear Senator Smith, I would like to come to your boy's camp and I shine shoes at the station and here's nine cents." Oh, isn't that wonderful. Look and he signs it. "Yours truly, Stinky Moore." Isn't that marvelous? Say--have I got some paper here?
Second drawer.
Good! I'm going to be pretty busy tonight--
Not another bill?
No! Letters. I've got to write to the Rangers and Ma--and--I'm bustin' with news! Why, I've introduced a bill! Me--Jeff Smith. I got up and talked in the Senate!
Do you want to dictate them?
The letters? Gosh--no. I couldn't talk letters. I've gotta scratch 'em out. And say--I'm going to tell Ma all about you. If I tell it right-- the first thing you know you're going to get the best jar of preserves you ever tasted.
Thanks a lot.
I--I--gee whiz--I didn't thank you!
Don't mention it--
Yes--right here. Just a second-- Miss Paine.
*Who*! Miss--! Is that--? Why didn't you--? Holy smoke; H-hello... Yes, Miss Paine... How-- how are you, Miss Paine...? What?... Escort *you* Gee--I mean--*sure*-- *yes*! I'd be--. Reception for a *princess*! Gosh!... Thanks, Miss Paine. Yes. I--I'll be there! Goodbye, Miss Paine. Did you hear that?--Escort Susan Paine--reception for a princess! Imagine her calling me--asking *me*-- !
Get your hat, Senator. We've got a lot to do between now and tomorrow--
I know. Don't tell me. It was a wonderful party. Your suit went over big. And she looked beautiful, and she gave her hand when you left her-- and said--"Thank you, Mr. Smith." Oh, but it was the way she *said* it. You like to fell through the floor--Horseradish!
Saunders--!
And you're writing Ma all about it. And your pigeons will carry the message of love. And the first thing you know--Susan Paine'll get the best jar of preserves she ever tasted!
Hello.
Well gee--how--how've you been, Saunders? I--I haven't seen you in-- . I suppose--now that you're married--
No. That night--I--well, *you* know-- I was pretty--. No--Diz is a--a sort of brother, that's all--
What are you going to do?
It might save some of the pieces, Jeff. It would leave a doubt about the whole thing--about you. Might blow over, this way.
Yeah. I see. Well--that's about the only thing to do. Don't you think?
Well, I guess it's a chance.
Yeah. I guess--sometimes--Senator Paine must be right. Sometimes you-- you got to compromise a little-- And if you say so too, Saunders--if *you* think that's the thing to do--
I *don't* think that's the thing to do! No! I think what you ought to do is--*fight*!
Wait--
What you *have* to do is fight!
But--I've done everything I--
I don't care *what* you've done! Don't quit. Don't grab a measly chance like this to save a few pieces--other men could--but not you. As long as you lived, you'd remember you ran out and threw this country of yours to the jackals--!
Oh--Saunders--
Jeff--listen--remember the day you got here?--what you said about Mr. Lincoln?--that he was sitting up there--watching--waiting for someone to come along? Well--that was *you*. Someone with a little plain, decent, uncompromising *rightness*--to root out the Taylors--yeah, and really light up that dome for once. This country could use some of that--so could the whole drunken, cockeyed world right now--a *lot* of it! And when
Saunders--if there was *any* way--
Yay!
Hurray!
Where do we go from here?
Jeff--wait--they want you to speak!
Tell us about yourself, Senator! Hear you got a Boy's Club back home! Any ideas? Going to make things hum in the Senate, huh?
Ah! That's more like it! What?
Well--for a couple of years now--I-- I've thought it would be a wonderful thing to have a National Boys' Camp out in our State--
A camp! Well!
*Gentlemen*! Gentlemen are supposed to believe in something decent. Instead of twisting facts and making a joke of everything--why don't you tell the people the *truth* for a change?
The truth! Well, the man wants the truth! "What *is* truth?" asked so-and-so, and turned away!
Whoa! Hold it! Pipe down! Come on, now--that's enough of that.
Just for the fun of it.--You see the one that makes it back home in the fastest time, I am going to enter in the nationals.
Sure.
How--how do you do, Miss Paine? I--I apologize for looking like this-- I--I have to be going now--
How are the pigeons?
Fine--they're fine. Oh, Miss Paine, I--I want to apologize-- what the papers said I said about you--that wasn't true. I--I would never say a thing like that.
Did you hear, Father? He didn't mean it when he said I was beautiful.
Oh--you are!
Then you *did* say it.
Well, goodbye, sir--and thank you again. Well--it--it was nice seeing you, Miss Paine--
I--I'm awfully glad to be--that is, it was nice of you to-- Uh--how's your father?
Splendid.
Uh--that's good. And--uh--you?
I'm splendid, too.
That's--that's splendid.
And how's your bill, Senator?
Oh, the bill. Oh--splendid--I mean-- I--I just can't seem to talk in this suit. I'll tell you a secret. It's brand new.
Well! You don't say!
It's just as well to tell you--because if we're going to get off on the right foot--I mean--in case I act sort of strange--it's the suit.
Well--I--
Funnier things have happened. Ma says when Pa was courting her, he acted strange for months. Didn't make sense--or anything. And one day, on a hunch, Ma said: "Clayton, so help me, you talk like a man whose collar is too tight to bear." "Not the collar, Mary," he said, "my shoes." "Well, for land's sake," Ma said, "Take the pesky things off!" Which
You're not going to take your *suit* off!
I don't understand, sir! I don't know what the gentleman--
"I do solemnly swear--that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States--against all enemies, foreign and domestic--that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same--that I take this obligation freely--without and mental reservation and purpose of evasion-- and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help
"So help me God."
The chair recognizes the rather strong- lunged junior Senator, Mr. Smith.
The Senator understands he is limited to five minutes?
However, Senator Smith is still a member of this Body and as such has equal claim on the attention of the Chair--
You were about to recognize me, sir--
Order, gentlemen!
Uh--Mr. President--you and I are about to be alone in here, sir. I'm not complaining for social reasons, but it'd be a pity if the gentlemen missed any of this. Mr. President--I call the chair's attention to Rule Five of the Standing Rules of the Senate Section Three. "If it shall be found that a quorum is not present, a majority of the Senators
"--We hold these truths to be self- evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights--" Well--looks like the night shift's comin' on.
Well, now--I wouldn't know about that. Mr. President--what happens to me in the morning--I mean about my having this floor to go on babbling?
Since the time of Adams--not Washington.
How's that, buddy?
I said--I mean--Washington didn't live to see it finished. Congress didn't move here from Philadelphia till eighteen hundred.
Oh--you're *sure* of that now?
Yes. Washington laid the cornerstone though--wearing an apron for the ceremony that was embroidered by Madame Lafayette--
One moment, friends, let's give the Senator a break. Now, where'd you say you studied law?
Well--I haven't needed much law so far--what I'd like to get first is a little common sense--
Ax?
A pet idea--you know--pension bill-- save the buffalo--you've got *one* notion you think would be good for this country, haven't you?
Marvelous! And what would this camp set the Government back?
Oh--nothing--nothing. My idea is-- for the Government to lend us the money--and the boys'll pay it back-- sending in a penny or a nickel--no more than a dime--no, gosh--the Government's got enough on its hands without--
Yeah! How about it? You're a nature lover. Do you handle any of that sign language?
Well! Hear anything? Any sign of him?
How'd you like a punch in the nose?
What! Who?
That's what he's been doing since last heard from.
Whaddaya mean! What did *I* have to do with it? I don't blame the guy. Wow! Twenty-four hours in this town and nothing but dog-fights! And things aren't bad enough--last night I have to get a run-around from some wise dame--
My, my--you sho' are pahwerfully upset, Mister McGann--but you' awfully cute.
I wouldn't wait if I were you.
What do you mean? What's going on?
The Head Man's writing a Bill.
What does he want to--? What's *he* doing writing a Bill?
You can't find it in racing forms, Chick.
Here, Jeff, I'll advance it for you.-- Fine introduction to the nation's capital!
H'ya, Carl--h'ya, Bill!
Chick--
Eleven B Street, Northeast. Take his bags and your own right over--and get yourself a room in the same place--
Joe--drop everything and come with me!
Joe! You *told* him to!
Did I hear right? Did he say *Willet Creek*?
Let's get away from here.
--amazing coincidence! Of all places in the world--to choose Willet Creek for his boys' camp!
Joe--I'm getting leery of this guy. We keep calling him dumb--and he keeps winding up in our hair! I'm telling you--when he finds out there's a dam going up where he wants his camp, he's gonna start asking questions six ways from Sunday--
Be quiet, Chick--I'm trying to think-- This Deficiency Bill is going to be read in the Senate tomorrow.
Tomorrow! Joe--he'll hear the section on Willet Dam. He can't be there!
I know that.
Listen--tomorrow I take him to see monuments--if I have to hit him over the head with a couple!
That won't work, Chick. This boy's honest, not stupid.
Susan!
My daughter isn't here to carry out assignments like that for *anybody*.
Well, then--this is too much for *my* lame brain. I'm calling Jim Taylor.
Jim's methods won't do in Washington.
--I've used every argument in the world to try to turn him off. He just keeps coming back to the dam-- and what he knows--
Saunders! I'd like to tie her in a sack and drop her from the Brooklyn Bridge--
Your Ranger's on the garbage pile, Happy! He's done for!
Who? Who? Your boss! A nut, huh? A nut! Wow! There's a *story* in this guy--! I smelled it!
Go away, Nosey.
What do I *mean*, huh? Uh--*I'll* tell ya--World's Series--a pass! In a month it's worth fifteen bucks!
Look, Nosey--your pals would like to get in on this, wouldn't they?
Hey--I wanna *scoop*!
Well, that's out. Either it's *lots* of reporters and *lots* of tickets or--. Now will you go and call 'em before I change my mind about the whole thing!
You want to see me, Senator?
Yes. Good morning, Saunders. Have you--uh--any idea how this happened?
The ranger's notices? No idea at all.
No?
No--I'm sorry. I merely saw him home. I'm not supposed to tuck him in and give him his bottle. That's McGann's job.
By the way, Mr. McGann just phoned-- in a high fever. Smith's gone again. Have you any idea where?
Yes. He went to Mount Vernon to give himself a patriotic address.
Well--that's very fine. Saunders, some person in your office says you've quit--
That's right.
Oh, now--that won't do--
Look, Senator--I wasn't given a brain just to tell a Boy Ranger what time it is. What do you need me for? Get somebody else--get a registered nurse--
You're the best nurse I can think of--
Nice *compliment*!
I meant it for one. I meant--Sam Foley couldn't get along without you-- and neither can I at the moment--
No?
You see--Governor Hopper made an appointment in this case that--well, Jeff isn't exactly fitted to the work, let's say. He's here to see monuments--and pass the time. That's important to--to my work--and everybody concerned. So, someone who can be trusted has to occupy him and keep him out of trouble--
And I'm an old hand at following instructions--
You're more than that. I've had example of the fact that wild horses couldn't pull confidential matter in these two offices out of you. That's why I tell you what I do--about Smith and this situation. So, you see--
Yeah--I see I'm right where I've been for seven years--
You deserve a lot better. And I'll tell you what we'll do. Stay and play nurse, as you say--and if certain things happen I'm taking everybody up with me, and you'll get one of the biggest jobs in Washington.
Yeah? And what else?
What do you mean?
Well, when I first came to Washington, my eyes were big, blue question marks-- now they're big, green dollar marks--
What do you want, Senator?
Saunders--it's going to go pretty bad for Jeff tomorrow. There's only one thing that can be done for him now-- I--I've written his resignation. He resigns under protest--denying all charges. No one will ever be sure if he was guilty or not. It leaves him with at least a shred of honor. The other way--branded openly in the Senate--expelled--he'll never live it down. Rather
What are you driving at? You want *me* to get him to sign that?
Yes--
Why don't you do it yourself?
He's lost complete faith in me--
Well--me, too!
But--you love him, don't you, Saunders?
What are you talking about? What difference--?
Do you?
All right--*yes*! And what does that make me to him? *Nothing*! I've got to go about my own business--and forget it!
I thought I could, too. *My* business--this fine future! I have no future I *care* about, if this boy is broken! I--I can't sleep. The only important thing in my life now is to save what I can for him. I want him to get a start again--I'll see that he's taken care of as long as he lives--! Saunders--whether you ever mean anything
*Me! Me*! I *still* don't see why I should--! If you love him so much, why don't you go to him yourself and-- ? Or better still--get up in that Senate and *fight* for him!
It's too late now--it's *impossible*!
Every word that boy said is the truth! I'm not fit for office! I'm not fit for any place of honor or trust in this land! Expel me--!
That Happy Hopper is tougher to handle than a prima-donna.
--in other words, Jim--with this Willet Creek Dam on the fire--the man who goes to the Senate now in Sam Foley's place can't ask any questions or talk out of turn. We must be absolutely sure of him.
That's why I say Miller--Horace Miller. He jumped through hoops for the machine before we moved him up to the bench. He'll take orders.
Jim--suppose we didn't try to go through with this Willet Creek Dam-- suppose we postpone it until the next session of Congress--or drop it altogether--
That'd be a crime--after all this work--getting it buried in this Deficiency Bill as nice as you please-- approved--all ready to roll--
How much does the Willet Dam mean to you, Jim?
Joe--I've got a lot of people to take care of in this State.
I know, but is it worth the risk of a scandal now that a new man is going to the Senate?
Joe, that's coming a long way in twenty years since I met you practising law down there in Main Street.
Jim--if what you say about the future is remotely possible--why not do as I say--drop things like this dam?
We can't drop it now, Joe. We bought the land around this Dam and we're holding it in dummy names. If we drop it or delay it--we are going to bring about investigations, and investigations will show that we own that land and are trying to sell it to the State under phoney names. No, Joe, in my judgment the only thing to do
Well, then appoint Miller--if you're sure he'll take orders.
Wait a minute, boys. Happy may have hit on something tremendous here. Rather than let Miller or anyone else in at this stage, we simply put blinders on this simple son of nature-- and turn him loose on monuments. He's completely out of the way in Washington, and as Happy says, you make political capital out of it at home.
Joe--do you mean to say--do you think you can actually *handle* this--this whatever-you-call-it in Washington?
A young patriot?--Who recites Jefferson and Lincoln?--turned loose in our nation's capital? I think I can.
That's him. Let him in.
Wait a minute--Jim--you didn't ask *Smith* over here!
What do you think?
Jim, you can't come here and pull that steamroller stuff. Your methods won't do here. This boy is a Senator, however it happened, he's a Senator. This is Washington.
Steamroller stuff, Joe? My methods don't go in Washington? They've done pretty well by now, haven't they?
Oh, Jim, that's beside the point. This boy's different. He's honest and beside he thinks the world of me. We can't do this to him.
Well, what do you want me to do? Stand around like you chump and let that drooling infant wrap that Willet Creek Dam appropriation around my neck. Either he falls in line with us and behaves himself or I'll break him so wide open they'll never be able to find the pieces.
Jim, I won't stand for it.
You won't stand for it?
I don't want any part of crucifying this boy.
Oh, I see. Out steamroller methods are getting too hard to your sensitive soul, is that it, Joe? The Silver Knight is getting to big for us. My methods have been all right for the past twenty years, Joe, since I picked you out of a fly-specked hole in the wall and blew you up to look like a Senator, and now you can't
Jim, you don't have to--
Oh, it's all right--it's all right. It seems a shame, though, to part company like this after all these years, especially now with a national convention coming up. Joe, I've put everything I have behind you. And so did all of our friends, but I guess we'll survive. We'll just have to find somebody else that's got a little more sense, that's all. In
Jim, it's just that I like the kid-- I don't want to see you get too rough on him.
Jeff--this is Mr. Taylor.
Glad to know you, Senator. Meet the boys--
Jim!
Just a minute, Joe!
You can't say *that* to--
It's in your lap, Joe. Keep an eye on him. If he gets to his feet and says anything--
It's crucifying him--!
Anything *better* to offer?
Maybe he won't get up.
Hey--Joe! Where you going? We've got to celebrate tonight!
Jim--the boy's talking to that State-- the story is out--!
Sure! The fight's in the open now-- to a finish--!
And if he can raise public opinion against us--if any *part* of this sticks--
He won't get started! I'll *make* public opinion out there in five hours. I've done it all my life! I'll blacken this punk until-- Joe--your job is back in the Senate-- keep those men fighting him *there*.
I hit him from the floor with everything I knew!
Here, here, Susan--this is Jeff Smith-- our new Senator.
How nice.
All right, we'll take Jeff with us--
His first 'whiff'!
Such pretty knees for a big boy!
Do I actually *see* this--?
Father--oh.
Jefferson dropped in for a minute, Susan.
Well, at the expense of some of the furniture, Susan--you've made another conquest.
What! Not Ol' Honest Abe!
Mr. President...
Senator Paine.
Mr. President! Will the Senator yield?
Will the Senator yield?
Senator Paine will state it!
I accuse this man--by his tone--by his careful denials--he is deliberately trying to plant damaging impressions of my conduct--! *I'll* tell you why we were in tht room. Because Mr. Taylor, a respected citizen of our State, had brought with him the evidence against this man, later presented from this floor, and *we were urging him to resign*-- !
Order!
Order!
Mr. President, will the Senator yield for a question?
Is there objection? You may proceed, Senator.
No. Don't ever want to go out without telling us.
Yeah, Mr. Cobb said stick to your tail no matter what.
That's going to be fun.
Put that away, slug! At your service!
I got a trunk in that room. Will you get it out for me?
Good morning.
I say, my friend, do you know a fellow by the name of Longfellow Deeds?
Deeds?
Yes.
Yes, sir. Yes, indeedy. Everyone knows Deeds.
We'd like to get in touch with him. It's very important.
Who's that?
Deeds! Who do you think I'm talking about?
Since he was born.
Yes. Elsie Taggart was the midwife.
Most every day.
They think he's pixilated.
Pixilated.
He walks in the rain, without his hat, and talks to himself.
Sometimes he whistles.
For no reason, I guess. He always does it. We always run into the house when we see him coming.
Never can tell what he's going to do.
He sure is pixilated.
Why, you own it, Longfellow.
Why, you've always been pixilated, Longfellow.
Why, everybody in Mandrake Falls in pixilated - except us.
Oh, yes.
He's still pixilated.
Are you married?
Yes, sir.
Any children?
No, no children.
All right, Mr. Dodsworth. I think you'll qualify. Take this to that desk over there for further instructions.
Thank you very much.
No. Are you?
No.
You don't go out with girls very much, do you?
I haven't.
I don't mind though. I had a lot of fun doing it.
It's obviously a frameup! They're trying to railroad this man for the money they can get out of him!
Thank you, Your Honor. Are you employed by the Morning Mail?
You are under oath, Miss Bennett. I ask you again - are you employed by the Morning Mail?
Were you given an assignment to follow the activities of Longfellow Deeds?
Yes.
Did you subsequently write a series of articles about him?
Yes!
Are these the articles?
Yes!
Were you present when all these things took place?
Yes!
Are they true!
NO!!
But they did take place?
They're colored! Just to make him look silly!
And you saw them happen?
Yes, but I—
That's all, Miss Bennett.
It isn't all! I'd like to explain—
Oh, thank you!
Your Honor, this is absurd. The woman's obviously in love with him.
What's that got to do with it?
Well, you are in love with him, aren't you?
What's that got to do with it?
You are , aren't you?
You fainted.
No, thank you. I'll be all right.
Look, this is my house. I'd like to—
Oh, no, really - I'll be all right.
What happened?
Feel better now?
Mmm, it tastes so good. Mr. Deeds, I don't know how I can ever thank you.
Tell me more about yourself.
Oh, that was so lovely. Thank you.
You were a lady in distress, weren't you?
What?
You've been having quite an exciting time here, haven't you? All those meetings and business deals and society people - haven't you been having fun?
Look - there's Brookfield, the poet.
There's just one thing more. If it weren't for Miss Dawson being here with me, I'd probably bump your heads together.
It's awfully nice of you to show me around like this.
I enjoy it.
The Aquarium was swell. If I lived in New York, I'd go there every day. I'll bet you do.
Sure. I met you.
Oh. What's happening about the opera?
I told 'em I'd play along with them if they lowered their prices - and cut down expenses - and broadcast.
What did they say?
Gosh, you look pretty tonight.
What did they say?
Huh? Oh. They said I was crazy. Said I wanted to run it like a grocery store.
What are they going to do?
Have you seen the papers?
Uh-huh.
Would you like to walk the rest of the way? It's so nice out.
Yes.
There you are. Grant's Tomb. I hope you're not disappointed.
It's wonderful.
To most people, it's an awful letdown.
Huh?
I say, to most people it's a washout.
That depends on what they see.
Now, what do you see?
There's Times Square.
You can almost spit on it, can't you?
You're worried about those articles they're writing about you, aren't you?
Oh, they just do it to sell the newspapers, you know.
Here's a nice place.
You know, you said something to me when you first met me that I've thought about a great deal.
What's that?
You said I was a lady in distress.
Oh, that—
What did you mean by that?
Oh, I don't know.
You must have met a lot of swell society girls since you've been here. Don't you like them?
I'd rather have Mandrake Falls.
I'm from a small town too, you know.
Really?
Probably as small as Mandrake Falls.
I've often thought about going back.
You have?
Oh, yes. I used to have a lot of fun there when I was a little girl. I used to love to go fishing with my father. That's funny. He was a lot like you, my father was. Talked like you, too. Sometimes he'd let me hold the line while he smoked - and we'd just sit there for hours. And after awhile, for
He played in the town band, too.
He did? I play the tuba—
Yeah, I know.
What did he play?
The drums. He taught me to play some.
He did?
Yes. I can do "Swanee River." Would you like to hear me?
Oh, I suppose you could do better.
Sure. I can sing "Humoresque."
"Humoresque"? I'll bet you don't even know how it goes.
Sure. Look! You sing it over again, and I'll do "Humoresque" with you.
Couldn't sleep. Kinda wanted to talk to you. Do you mind?
I wanted to thank you again for going out with me. Huh? Well, I don't know what I'd do without you. You've made up for all the fakes that I've met.
Well, that's very nice. Thank you.
You know what I've been doing since I got home? Been working on a poem. It's about you. Sometimes it's kinda hard for me to say things - so I write 'em.
I didn't think you could come with the party and everything.
Oh, I wouldn't let them stop me from seeing you. So I threw them out!
Yes, if it isn't too late.
Ready?
Gosh, she looks better every time I see her.
The reason why I wanted to take a walk, Mary, is 'cause I wanted to talk to you.
Let's just walk, okay?
Mary, I'm going home.
Are you? When?
In a day or so, I think.
Do you mind if I talk to you, Mary? You don't have to pay any attention to me.
No, I don't mind.
All my life, I've wanted somebody to talk to. Back in Mandrake Falls, I always used to talk to a girl.
A girl?
Well, here we are again.
Yes, here we are again. Good night.
Would you like to read it? It's to you.
Hello, Mary?
What's the matter, hon?
What's up, Babe? Something's eating you.
No. It's nothing.
My unfailing instinct tells me something's gone wrong with the stew.
You haven't gotten very far, have you? That's where you were an hour ago. Come on, let's knock off and go down to Joe's. The gang's waiting for us.
Good night.
Mabel, that guy's either the dumbest, the stupidest, the most imbecilic idiot in the world - or he's the grandest thing alive. I can't make him out.
Uh-huh.
I'm crucifying him.
People have been crucified before.
Why? Why do we have to do it?
You started out to be a successful newspaper woman, didn't you?
Yeah, then what?
Search me. Ask the Gypsies.
Here's a guy that's wholesome and fresh. To us he looks like a freak. You know what he told me tonight? He said when he gets married he wants to carry his bride over the threshold in his arms.
The guy's balmy.
Is he? Yeah, I thought so, too. I tried to laugh, but I couldn't. It stuck in my throat.
Aw, cut it out, will you? You'll get me thinking about Charlie again.
He's got goodness, Mabel. Do you know what that is?
Huh?
You're a fool, Babe.
I just couldn't stand seeing him again.
What'll I tell him if he calls up?
Tell him I had to leave suddenly. I got a job in China - some place.
You're acting like a school girl.
Just a minute. No, you don't.
Why there she is! Of course she's home. Stupid of me . . .
Look, I can do it!
What's gotten into you, Babe? I remember the time when you'd blast this town wide open before you'd let Cobb get away with a thing like this.
Oh, he's not getting away with anything.
Listen, Babe - get me some stuff on this guy, and you can have—
Can I have a month's vacation?
With pay!
With pay!
Uh-huh.
Now you're talking, Babe. I'll keep the whole front page open. What are you going to do?
Cinderella Man! That's sensational, Babe! Sensational!
It took some high-powered acting, believe me.
Did it?
I was the world's sweetest ingenue.
He's the original. There are no carbon copies of that one.
Cinderella Man! Babe, you stuck a tag on that hick that'll stick to him the rest of his life. Can you imagine Cobb's face when he reads this?
How'd you get the picture?
Had the boys follow us.
Marvelous! "At two o'clock this morning, Mr. Deeds tied up traffic while he fed a bagful of doughnuts to a horse. When asked why he was doing it, he replied: 'I just wanted to see how many doughnuts this horse would eat before he'd ask for a cup of coffee.'" Beautiful! What happened after that?
I don't know. I had to duck to get the story out. He was so far along he never even missed me.
When're you going to see him again?
You're a genius, Babe - a genius!
I even moved into Mabel Dawson's apartment - in case old snoopy Cobb might start looking around.
Good! Good! Stay there. Don't show your face down here. I'll tell everybody you're on your vacation. They'll never know where the stories are coming from. Stick close to him, Babe - you can get an exclusive story out of him every day for a month. We'll have the other papers crazy. Babe, I could kiss you!
Oh, no. No. Our deal was for a month's vacation - with pay.
Sure.
With pay! She is out the door.
What's bothering you, huh?
Last night he proposed to me.
Proposed to you! You mean he asked you to marry him?
Yes.
Why, Babe - that's terrific! "Cinderella Man Woos Mystery Girl! Who is the Mysterious Girl That—"
Print one line of that, and I'll blow your place up!
Sorry, Babe. Sorry. It would have made a swell story. I just got carried away. That's too bad. So he proposed to you, huh? What a twist! You set out to nail him - and he—
Yeah. Funny twist, isn't it?
What're you going to do?
I'm going to tell him the truth.
Tell him you're Babe Bennett? Tell him you've been making a stooge out of him?
I'm having lunch with him today. He expects an answer. It's going to be pretty.
He'll probably kick me right down the stairs. I only hope he does.
I'll put you on another job. You need never see him again, eh?
That's the rub.
Oh, as bad as that, huh?
This is for you , Mac. The names of all the headwaiters in town. You can always buy a bit of choice scandal from them at reasonable prices.
It's for you. In a couple weeks you'll get the itch so bad, you'll be working for nothing.
I suppose it's going to be the same old thing.
I tell you that dame's nuts.
Come on, come on!
It don't look as though we're gonna get any pictures tonight.
I wonder if they'd want to make it a quartet.
Yeah. Mac threw Cobb out again.
Boy, was he burning.
Ow! My foot's asleep!
We've got nothing to worry about. He's as naive as a child.
John—
I know, Budington. We can't afford to have the books investigated right now. You must have said that a thousand times already.
But what if they fall into somebody else's hands, why - uh—
Well, it hasn't happened yet - has it?
But a half million dollars! My goodness, where are we going to get—
don't want to be critical, John, but here it is—
Yes, I know. A week's gone by and we haven't got the Power of Attorney yet!
Yes, but you said—
The gentlemen from the opera are still waiting in the board room, sir. They're getting a trifle impatient, sir.
Will you show Mr. Hallor to the front door?
Cobb's right. I mustn't talk to anybody.
Miss Dawson on the phone, sir.
Who? Miss Dawson?
Yes, sir.
You try it.
How's it going? Okay?
Yes, quite all right. Thank you, sir.
Gold, eh?
Yes, sir.
Fourteen carat?
Yes, sir.
Is that the best you've got?
Oh, yes sir.
Those flowers are too high. Won't be able to see her. Get a smaller bowl, will you?
Stuff, sir?
That goo. That stuff that tastes like soap.
Oh, yes, sir. Here it is, sir. The pate de fois gras, sir.
Yeah, that's fine. Have a lot of it because she likes it.
Sit over there, will you?
Me sir?
How is this, sir?
Perfect! Perfect!
I wish you luck, sir.
You can't come up here!
Let me go! I wanna see him!
He's not home, I tell you!
I wanna see that guy!
We'll send for the police!
Thank heaven.
Better wire him right away, John.
Come on, John. What happened?
Relatives of old man Semple.
They keep insisting they should have some nuisance value.
Nuisance value?
They say if it hadn't been for Deeds, they'd have gotten all the money.
Miss Bennett please!
The Falkner sisters are rather timid, Your Honor, and wish to be together. If the court pleases, I will only have one of them testify.
Must we have the echo?
He's what?
Your Honor, I object.
It's a lie!
Mr. Cedar!
You will please permit Mr. Deeds to finish.
But your honor—
Newspaperman?
Wants to know who the heir is.
Hang up.
Sorry, Mac, I can't. Yeah, Mac. Sure, but I ain't the attorney—
Mr. Cedar is, and I haven't seen him in two days. Listen, Cedar, we've got to do something about the newspapers.
I'm not interested in the newspapers.
But it's a great story. Somewhere in this country a guy is walking into twenty million bucks.
Yes, I know. My first concern is to locate the lucky man. When I do, it's your job to keep the newspapers away from him.
That's pretty.
I guess we'd better try somebody else.
Yeah. A glorified doormat.
I can understand that. We'll take a walk around town, meet you at the train at four o'clock. Congratulations, Mr. Deeds. You're one of the richest men in the country. We'll see you later. Goodbye and thank you.
I can't find him.
You can't?
Look!
What?
Well, your uncle was Chairman of the Board of Directors. They probably expect you to carry on.
Yes?
Make three reservations on the first train out to Mandrake Falls, Vermont.
Where?
Charlie, we're off! Papers all set?
All set.
Okay, then. Go to it. And, Charlie—
Yeah?
Find out who wrote those newspaper articles and subpoena them right away.
Mr. Longfellow Deeds?
Yes.
How do you do.
How do you do.
I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Mr. Deeds, are you the son of Dr. Joseph and Mary Deeds?
Yes.
Are your parents living?
Why, no.
Mr. Deeds, does the name of Martin W. Semple mean anything to you?
Not much. He's an uncle of mine, I think. I never saw him, but my mother's name was Semple, you know.
Well, he passed on. He was killed in a motor accident in Italy.
Perhaps you didn't hear what I said, Mr. Deeds! The whole Semple fortune goes to you! $20,000,000!
Mr. Cobb here is an ex-newspaperman associated with your uncle for many years - as a sort of buffer.
Are you a married man, Mr. Deeds?
Saving a lady in distress, eh? Well, I suppose we all have dreams like that when we are young. Incidentally, we'd better get started. You'll have to pack.
What for?
You're going to New York with us.
Will you have a cigar?
I wouldn't worry if I were you. Of course, a large fortune like this entails a great responsibility - but you'll have a good deal of help. So don't worry. Leave everything to me.
Oh, I wasn't worried about that.
No?
It's merely a suggestion. I don't wish to press the point, Mr. Deeds, but if you'll give me your Power of Attorney we'll take care of everything. It'll save you a lot of petty annoyances. Every shark in town will be trying to sell you something.
Oh, yes, there've been a lot of them around here already. Strangest kind of people. Salesmen - politicians - moochers - all want something. I haven't had a minute to myself. Haven't seen Grant's Tomb yet.
Well, you see, your uncle didn't bother with that sort of thing. He left everything to us. He traveled most of the time, and enjoyed himself. You should do the same thing, Mr. Deeds.
Besides wanting to be my lawyer, you also want to handle my investments too?
Yes. That is to say—
Well, outside of your regular fee, how much extra will it cost?
Oh - nothing. No extra charge.
That involves a lot of extra work, doesn't it?
Yes, but that's an added service a firm like Cedar, Cedar, Cedar and Budington usually donates.
I think you ought to give this matter some thought, Mr. Deeds.
Huh?
I mean, about the Power of Attorney.
Why not? Who is he?
A lawyer representing some woman with a claim against the estate. Tell him to see me at my office.
He's capable of causing you a lot of trouble, Mr. Deeds.
I can't hold out any longer either, Mr. Deeds. Being an attorney for you will be a very simple affair.
You're not my attorney yet, Mr. Cedar. Not till I find out what's on your mind. Suppose you get the books straightened out quick so I can have a look at them.
Oh, will you come in please, gentlemen?
Is Mr. Deeds in?
Come in, please. Come in. Can I get you a cup of tea?
No, thanks.
Sit down. Sure I couldn't get you a glass of lemonade or something?
That's very kind of you. Are you related to him?
No, I'm his housekeeper.
Well, we'd like to find out something about him. What does he do for a living?
Oh, it'll do in a pinch.
Cedar, Cedar, Cedar and Budington. Funny, I can't think of a rhyme for Budington.
Why should you?
Well, whenever I run across a funny name, I always like to poke around for a rhyme. Don't you?
Nah.
I've got one for Cobb—
"There once was a man named Cobb, Who kept Semple away from the mob. Came the turn of the tide And Semple - he died - And now poor Cobb's out of a job!"
Sounds like a two weeks' notice to me.
Huh?
I've gotten the 'sackaroo' in many ways - but never in rhyme.
Oh, I don't mean that. I'm sure I'm going to need your help.
This afternoon - at four o'clock.
Have a drink?
Thanks Oh, did you send that telegram to Jim Mason?
Jim Mason? Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I didn't send it. I've got it written out, though. Here it is. "Arthur's been with the Tallow Works too long. STOP. Don't think we should fire him. Longfellow."
Fine. Send it right away. I don't want him to fire Arthur.
Oh, sure. Sure. We don't want to fire Arthur.
You'd better get right down there. That opera mob is about to break into the Mad Song from "Lucia."[2]
Gee, I'm busy. Did the opera people always come here for their meetings?
Uh-huh.
That's funny. Why is that?
I can't hold out on you any longer. Lamb bites wolf. Beautiful.
Well, how about tonight? What would you like in the way of entertainment?
Entertainment?
Your uncle had a weakness for dark ones, tall and stately. How would you like yours? Dark or fair, tall or short, fat or thin, tough or tender?
What're you talking about?
Women! Ever heard of 'em?
Oh.
Name your poison and I'll supply it.
Some other time, Cobb. Some other time.
Did you see all this stuff in the papers?
Arthur wants to quit!
Arthur! Who's Arthur?
He's the shipping clerk at the Tallow Works. Wants a $2 raise - or he'll quit.
And what'd you do to those bodyguards? They quit this morning. Said you locked them up.
Oh, they insisted on following me.
What do you think bodyguards are for?
What do they mean by this - "Cinderella Man!"
I don't remember. "Cinderella Man!" What do they mean by that?
They'd call you anything if you gave them half a chance. They've got you down as a sap.
I think I'll go down and punch this editor on the nose.
No, you don't! Get this clear: Socking people is no solution for anything.
Sometimes it's the only solution.
Not editors. Take my word for it. Not editors!
If they're going to poke fun at me, I'm going to—
Listen. Listen, Longfellow. You've got brains, kid. You'll get along swell if you'll only curb your homicidal instincts - and keep your trap shut. Don't talk to anybody! These newshounds are out gunning for you.
But what about this "Cinderella Man"?
That's my job. I'll take care of that. I'll keep that stuff out of the papers - if you'll help me. But I can't do anything if you go around talking to people. Will you promise me to be careful from now on?
Yes, I guess I'll have to.
Just as I suspected, wise guy! I don't mind you making a sap out of yourself - but you made one out of me, too.
Will you tell the gentleman I'm not in?
She's the star reporter on The Mail. Every time you opened your kisser, you gave her another story. She's the dame who slapped that monicker on you - "Cinderella Man." You've been making love to a double dose of cyanide!
You shouldn't be running away like this. What's going to happen to the Estate?
What about your knocking off for lunch?
Not hungry. I want to get through this work in a hurry, and then I want to go home. What price did you get on those trucks?
Come on, come on. What are you trying to do, kid? Keel over? You haven't been out of this house in two weeks.
Cobb! Get lunch for the rest of them.
What? There must be 2000 of them out there.
Well, that doesn't make 'em any less hungry.
I'm Chairman?
Oh Yes, of course - you've just been elected.
Wait a minute. What does the Chairman do?
Why, the Chairman presides at the meetings.
You see, Mr. Deeds, the opera is not conducted for profit.
It isn't? What is it conducted for?
Why, it's an artistic institution—
We provide opera.
That's impossible. The opera has never paid.
The wrong kind! There isn't any wrong or right kind. Opera is opera!
I guess it is. But I personally wouldn't care to be head of a business that kept losing money. That wouldn't be common sense. Incidentally, where is the $180,000 coming from?
Well, we were rather expecting it to come from you.
Me?!
Naturally.
Now, where were we?
You see, Mr. Deeds, the opera is not conducted like any ordinary business.
Why not?
Because it just isn't a business, that's all!
You remember, Dr. Fosdick, in my last book there are some very fine examples.
Uh-huh.
Especially, the one of the young nobleman, you remember?
Oh, yes. Yes, of course Dr. Von Holler. Very interesting.
It reminds me very much of this one. Nicht wahr?
Ja.
Let him alone.
Yeah - that's all that's worrying you. What do I want? A chance to feed a wife and kids! I'm a farmer. A job! That's what I want!
A farmer, eh! You're a moocher, that's what you are! I wouldn't believe you or anybody else on a stack of bibles! You're a moocher like all the rest of them around here, so get out of here!
Here's the order for the plows. We got a good price on them.
That's fine. Thanks. I'll look 'em over later.
—my wife wanted me to tell you she— —she prays for you every night.
Mrs. Semple?
I leave it to you, Mr. Deeds. Can you conceive of any court not being in sympathy with any woman who gave up the best years of her life for an old man like your uncle?
What kind of wife did you say she was?
Common-law wife. On top of that, there's a child.
A child? My uncle's?
Yes, sir.
That's awful. The poor woman should be taken care of immediately.
I'm glad to see you're willing to be reasonable, Mr. Deeds.
Well, what about it, Mr. Deeds?
Sorry to keep you waiting so long. Those opera people are funny. They wanted me to put up $180,000.
What about it, Mr. Deeds?
Why, I turned them down, naturally.
No, I mean - about my client.
Of course, we don't want to appear greedy, Mr. Deeds.
Huh?
I say we don't want to appear greedy.
Mrs. Semple is entitled by law to one-third of the estate.
Mrs. Semple is entitled to one- third of the estate.
One-third? That's about $7,000,000 isn't it?
You're making a mistake, Mr. Deeds.
Oh no, I'm not. I don't like your face. Besides, there's something fishy about a person who would settle for a million dollars when they can get seven million. I'm surprised that Mr. Cedar, who's supposed to be a smart man, couldn't see through that.
There's one nice thing about being rich - you ring a bell and things happen. When the servant comes in, Mr. Hallor, I'm going to ask him to show you to the door. Many people don't know where it is.
No - I don't want it, thank you.
Well, I don't know. I—
Yes. Have you any peculiar characteristics when you are creating?
No.
Look, he's temperamental.
Your Honor—
Yes?
I'd like to get in my two cents' worth.
Proceed.
A what?
Mr. Deeds, do you recall forcibly ejecting people from your home?
Now about the Falkner sisters. That's kind of funny. I mean about Mr. Cedar going all the way to Mandrake Falls to bring them here. Do you mind if I talk to them?
Mr. Deeds, you haven't yet touched upon a most important thing. This rather fantastic idea of yours to want to give away your entire fortune. It is, to say the least, most uncommon.
Please, Mr. Cedar! Proceed.
Anything else, Mr. Deeds?
No. Yes. There's just one more thing I'd like to get off my chest before I finish.
Proceed.
Huh? On, no. Nobody important.
Be sure and point 'em out to me, won't you?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
I write poetry.
Brookfield just came in.
Oh, the poet? Where?
Say fellow, you neglected me - and I feel very put out. Look, sock it right there, will you? Lay one right on the button,[6] but sock it hard.
That's all right. I got it off my chest.
Oh, what a magnificent deflation of smugness. Pal, you've added ten years to my life! A poet with a straight left and a right hook - delicious! Delicious! You're my guest from now on - forever and a day - even unto eternity!
Thanks, but Miss Dawson and I are going out to see the sights.
Fine, fine. Swell, You just showed me a sight lovely to behold, and I'd like to reciprocate. Listen, you hop aboard my magic carpet— —thanks - and I'll show you sights that you've never seen before.
Well, you'll not only see those, but before the evening's half through, you'll be leaning against the Leaning Tower of Pisa - you'll mount Mt. Everest. I'll show you the Pyramids and all the little Pyramiddes, leaping from sphinx to sphinx. Pal, how would you like to go on a real, old-fashioned binge?
Binge?
That ought to be fun.
Who are they?
New mouthpiece. Been waiting two weeks for this. Kids keep swiping them all the time. They use 'em for bean shooters. What can I do for you gentlemen?
How about lunch? Are the gentlemen going to stay - or not?
No, he's too fussy for that. That's what's the matter with him. There are lots of nice girls right here in Mandrake Falls who're dying to be married—
Don't pay any attention to her.
He's got a lot of foolish notions - about saving a lady in distress.
Well, we could borrow a couple from Mrs. Simpson. You know, she went to Niagara Falls last year.
Hear what he said? You know how much twenty million is?
What is your name?
Christian Svenson.
Farmer?
Yes, ma'am.
Where is your farm?
South Dakota north.
South Dakota - north?
South Dakota - but on the top.
You're Mabel - her sister - aren't you?
Huh? Oh, yes - yes, of course. Her sister. Yes, I've been her sister for a long time.
Is she home?
Yeah. What?
You mean— —by the neck or something?
Nice day out - er, nice night - wasn't it? - isn't it?
Yes, lovely. We've had a lot of nice weather lately.
It would be a nice night to go for a walk, don't you think?
Goodnight. Don't worry. I won't keep her out late.
Tails tonight, sir?
What - tails? Why, that's a monkey suit![5] Do you want people to laugh at me? I never wore one of those things in my life.
What do you think you're doing?
Why, I'm assisting you, sir.
Get up from there. I don't want anybody holding the ends of my pants. Get up from there!
Yes, sir.
No, sir.
He talks about women as if they were cattle.
Every man to his taste, sir.
Tell me, Walter, are all those stories I hear about my uncle true?
Well, sir, he sometimes had as many as twenty in the house at the same time.
Twenty! What did he do with them?
Mr. Deeds - Mr. Deeds, sir - you really must get up. It's late!
You're Walter, aren't you?
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
What's that?
A Prairie Oyster, sir.[10]
Prairie? Oysters?
Oh. Oh! Has Miss Dawson called yet?
Miss Dawson, sir? No, sir. No Miss Dawson has called, sir.
She was a lady in distress. She wouldn't let me help her. Got a lot of pride. I like that.
Oh, I do too, sir.
I'd better call her up and apologize. I don't remember taking her home last night.
What do you mean? I remember everything! Hand me my pants - I wrote her phone number on a piece of paper.
You came home last night - without them.
I did what!
As a matter of fact, you came home without any clothes. You were in your - uh - shorts. Yes, sir.
Oh, don't be silly, Walter. I couldn't walk around in the streets without any clothes. I'd be arrested.
That's what the two policemen said, sir.
What two policemen?
Please!
Yes, sir. I beg pardon, sir, but did you ever find what you were looking for, sir?
Looking for?
You kept searching me last night, sir. Going through my pockets. You said you were looking for a rhyme for Budington.
Better bring me some coffee, Walter.
Madame Pomponi is on the telephone, sir.
Who?
Madame Pomponi. She says everything is all set for the reception.
What do you mean by coming in here when I'm playing?
But she's on the telephone—
Hey, did you hear that?
Why, that's an echo, sir!
You try it.
Me, sir?
Yes, sir. What is it, sir? Anything happened3
Anything happened? I've got to get dressed! I can't meet her like this!
But she isn't due for an hour, sir.
An hour? What's an hour! You know how time flies, Walter. My tie? Get it.
Pack my things, Walter. I'm going home.
Shall I call the police, sir?
What do they want from me? What have I done that's so wrong? They act as though they don't have their own peculiar things... They do! Believe me. Everybody's got something... Even you probably have things.
Me more than most.
Why are they ganging up against me?
I'm not sure. But I think they're worried about you.
It's the kids, you know, not Jeremy. He had nothing to do with this -- except pay, of course. He's always willing to pay. He's extremely generous. I'm so humiliated that my own children would threaten me.
How did they threaten you?
They said if I didn't get help, they wouldn't deal with me any more. What do you think about that?
Mmmmfffstttubll abbittmm.
I said... you must come out to the house for dinner on Thursday.
Really? You think so?
-- The argument had nothing to do with it.
I understand. I just want to know what the argument was about.
I had ordered some books. "The 100 Greatest Books Ever Written."
Uh-huh. What are they?
Oh, all the great writers -- Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, Moby Dick... those people. Each is bound in genuine premium leather with 22 carat gold accents. It's a magnificent set -- and only $33.50 per volume. Right away you get Great Expectations for just $6.99.
One hundred books?
It's irrelevant. It had nothing to do with what happened.
We argued on Sunday. He went to work on Monday and stayed in the city during the week, like always. But on Thursday, when he normally comes home, he didn't. Didn't call either. Not till Saturday afternoon.
You must have been concerned.
It's happened before. I'm shocked by how little I'm feeling. I can't understand it. I'll probably have a complete depressoid collapse soon, won't I?
Doubtful. What did he say?
I know my time's up, but I've got to get this out while I've got hold of it --
Take your time.
You can go out there if you like...
Dr. Mumford.
Mr. Cook.
I know I shoulda come to your office. I was gonna, actually, but then when you walked in here today...
Uh-huh.
It's my daughter Sofie... she's gotta problem.
What's that?
We're not sure. She's been to all kinds of doctors in the city and they've said different things. Some of 'em are callin' it -- -- Epstein-Barr virus, and the rest are callin' it... Chronic Fatigue Symptom...
Syndrome... Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
That's it -- syndrome. So you know all about it?
No... a little. There's a lot of debate about it.
Yeah, I got that. Some people think it's all in their heads. It's been so bad she's had to move back here to Mumford and live with us. And I'm not sure that's the best thing, either...
Why's that?
Oh... a lot of things. Several different factors. Will you see her, Doctor Mumford?
I'm not sure she'll come. She's in a mood. Do you ever go to somebody's house?
Hello, Mr. Cook. I was wondering if Sofie was around?
Were you supposed to have a session?
Her friend from the city came and took her out to dinner. First time in a long time she's been willing.
Better make yourself comfortable. We got a three hour drive here.
I'm fine.
You're the shrink, aren't you?
No, not really.
But you do therapy?
What an asshole!
Ernest, what do you think?
Thank you.
What Ernest means, I think, is we're very interested in other methodology... different kinds of training. We're great believers in learning from each other. I've learned so much from Ern -- Dr. Delbanco...
...And I from Phyllis.
But they're certainly dead. And yes, personally, I find it a bit odd.
You do seem much more disposed toward him than I understand, Ernest. Did I miss something?
Phyllis, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout...
Dr. Delbanco. It's nice to see you again.
I don't think you know Dr. Sheeler. She's the other therapist here in town.
What are you doing for lunch?
I've run on. Forgive me. We're here to talk about you.
My mentor was an amazing teacher named Benton Mandlebaum. Died quite tragically in the collapse of a gazebo.
Interesting approach. What was his name?
We're interested in any new therapies. How would you characterize your approach?
...I won't go into that today. Though, if we should continue these sessions, as I certainly hope we will, there are some aspects of that I would like to look at. God knows, I've listened to enough people giving me the juicy -- ...At any rate, I just wanted to acknowledge the catalyzing effect your comment had on me. I just hope that it
Well... you see, when I broke it off with Phyllis, she was naturally upset and she became more determined than ever to pursue certain -- how to put it -- doubts she's been harboring...
What kind of doubts?
I see.
And please, for whatever small way I may have encouraged this, accept my apologies. There is good news, though.
What's that?
Phyllis has decided to leave town and pursue her practice in the city. Which leaves you the only psychologist in town.
Dr. Sheeler is leaving Mumford? I'm sorry to hear that.
I have eighteen more minutes!
I don't want to hear any more today.
Why not?
Mr. Follett, do you trust me or don't you?
Well, I don't know... I only been seeing you --
Without trust, there's no point to any of this. You might as well not come.
Now hold on, I didn't say I didn't want to come --
Or maybe it wasn't an accident at all --
Mr. Follett.
-- 'cause in that instant I saw the beginning of a vixen's smile and I knew --
What?
Stop now.
Why? I'm paying for this.
Not for this. Not me, you're not.
You find it distasteful, don't you?
It doesn't matter how I feel about it. It's how you feel about it that matters.
I enjoy it. Does that make me some kind of pervert? Just because a man has a rich imaginative life --
You didn't come to me because you have a rich imagination.
No?
You came because it's taking over. You're in its grip.
Where's your wife, Henry?
Go to hell.
We got divorced. I had to get rid of her. She couldn't satisfy me.
I was... never satisfied.
What's that?
What is it?
It's a thought I had.
Let me just say something here... I have no idea if this is going to help.
What exactly is it supposed to do?
You remember when I asked you about pornography --
-- I find it degrading. Maximum gynecology and minimum turn-on --
-- and you told me that. Still, there's some kind of imagery that's haunting you and, I think, getting in your way --
-- Which I don't necessarily agree.
My guess is these images were burned into your brain when you were young. Maybe if we could nail down the exact fantasies that are haunting you -- maybe you could get past them... Anyway, I thought we could try an experiment.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? I want to know what's in here.
Uh, sorry, I'm going to have to... ...I really appreciate what you're trying to... uh, I can't thank you enough for...
I feel like we're making real progress here.
I didn't see you there. Can I help you?
It's all right, it won't bite you. Under civil code 1294.67b you are entitled to be notified that your status and certification are being reviewed. This is the notice.
Do you want to come in?
No thanks. Plenty of time for that when we're a little further along.
What brought this on?
You must be Dr. Mumford of Mumford. Jeremy Brockett.
Doc. Nice to meet you.
I think you'll like this. Know much about Cuban cigars?
Are you a man who likes to treat himself right?
I've had my moments.
I am. And I'm not ashamed of it. Nobody ever said on their death bed -- "I treated myself too well."
I thought it was -- Nobody ever said, "I should have spent more time at the office."
Fill in the blank. I don't mind the office. The point is, you only go 'round once. Like the Zens say -- Be here now.
What do you do?
Althea hasn't told you?
We've been talking about her, mostly.
Well, in '85 four of us left our firms and formed an investment banking venture. We've got twenty-three people working there now.
We've done... very well. You know anything about addiction, Doc?
A little.
Well, I'm addicted to winning. I say when you're in the red zone, you gotta score. So what do you think?
Tastes good.
No... I mean about Althea. About her... ...behavior. Do you think you can fix her up?
What do you think's wrong with her?
You're the doctor, what do you think?
Clarence Norman White, do you understand how serious are the crimes with which you have been charged?
I do.
...People who have come to you with the faith that you know what you're doing... and that you are who you say you are?
Yes, your honor.
It means absolutely nothing to me that so many of your patients have come forward with praise for you and your therapeutic skills. You understand that?
Mr. White, I am frustrated that the criminal code in this state allows a maximum sentence of only six months and a maximum fine of only $2000.
I'm sorry, your honor.
What?
I'm sorry you're frustrated.
Are you disrespecting this court, Mr. White?
No, sir. I was empathizing. Sorry.
Yeah... me you, too... I was at your house...
Oh?
I've seen you going by on your board, but I didn't realize -- you're so young... to be so...
So, is this like a Japanese restaurant?
I'd better get in there.
That's a lot of people all at once.
It's okay. They pre-order. There's a choice of three entrees.
Meat loaf, turkey quesadillas, or salad nicoise.
Salad nicoise? I love salad nicoise.
You do?
Yeah.
You're early... it's not ready. What happened?
My patient had to leave early.
Does the phrase "nosy" have any meaning to you, Lily?
I think it's like... inquisitive.
It was Henry Follett.
Man, you see him a lot. And it's very wrong to reveal it. Next you'll be saying what his problem is.
What do you want to know?
How long you been in this town?
Oh, I don't know...
Four months, two and a half weeks -- that's how long. And you've already got more patients than those other two shrinks combined.
You know who that is, don't you? You really don't? That's Skip Skipperton, man. He gets himself hit by a truck, this whole town shuts down.
So, what makes you so popular? What's your secret?
You like me. How come?
How ya doin', Ainge? Evenin', Lily.
Do we run into the street? No, I didn't think so. Nice car. How's that place?
And the Brocketts?
Horror show. What'd you do tonight?
It was insane here, man. 'Hadda call in the National Guard. Then I did my laundry... watched 20/20.
...And?
Shocking. Did you know the government is wasteful? You heard it here first. Oh, and being a supermodel... it's no walk in the park.
Why do you watch?
They come through a few times each year. Hello, Mrs. Saito, good to see you again! It's a tour.
Where am I supposed to eat?
Lily, I want you to meet Skip. Skip, Lily.
...so rich?
Doc...
Lily.
I don't want you to be mad at Skip...
He told you.
Skip and I wouldn't have got together if it weren't for you. That's a big deal.
You would have met in some shower eventually...
I want to give you something. Will you let me?
Thanks, Lily, I don't need anything.
Yes, you do, you damn well do.
Okay.
Here it is, some advice -- do the hard thing.
That's it? That's what you're giving me?
What it might take is... doing time.
-- you can sit up and look at me if you'd like -- -- maybe it would be helpful if you told me a little about what brought you here.
...but it's not really my school -- and this is very interesting -- it's the school from the next district --
-- you crazy? You can't do this!
Sure I can, Lionel.
I'm a criminal lawyer -- you think I like my clients? I can't stand most of them! But I don't kick them out...
Don't you at least have a back door I can use?
Maybe some of us don't need this crap!
Hello, Lionel.
You've got to have the right ladder for the job. You don't know what you're doing, you can get yourself in trouble.
It's a country club. Don't worry about it.
But you know how to drive?
Sure.
Got a license? But no car?
Don't need it.
I just got my license two weeks ago.
You're good.
I been drivin' since I was twelve.
That would explain it.
Can you help Mom?
I'm trying.
What's wrong with her?
Is she a friend of yours?
Hiya, Doc.
Martin.
How are you?
Hello, Mother. I want you to meet Dr. Mumford.
What's happening here?
We're going for a walk.
Do you think that's a good idea?
Dr. Mumford does, yes. I've put myself completely in his hands. For today, anyway.
It'll never happen! You're in big trouble, mister.
Ph.D., psychologist.
Oh... not a real doctor.
What'd you want?
There's something I think we need to talk about.
Finally, some common sense...
What do you mean?
I think you know what I mean.
No, I really don't.
I think you do.
Why don't you tell me?
Well... you see, the problem is --
Wow. You're something.
Well, look who's here...
Good evening, Mrs. Cook.
Just who is here, can you tell me?
Could I see Sofie, please?
Sofie. It's so obvious... you're after my daughter.
Feel free to lie down. Most people do.
What can you tell me about this?
When did you start to feel this way?
What?
You think that now! You think it's a bunch of hooey, don't you?
No.
That's okay. Maybe it is. My mother always says -- "Everything that's wrong with you is in your head." I suppose that's true.
Back when this started, was there anything unusual happening in your life? A change of job, of living situation... a loss of some kind?
No... but it started one year to the day after my divorce became final. That's not too suspicious, is it?... But it wasn't like I was feeling bad about the divorce. Just the opposite.
Hmm.
Hmm? Is that a professional opinion?
Hmm, as in -- that's interesting. Sometimes, with enough clues, it's possible to figure these things out.
Even if you don't think it's real?
I don't know what's real and what isn't. That's never been my strong suit. But if you're tired all the time and you've had to give up the life you were having and come back home when you didn't want to... that's worth trying to fix. Maybe I can help you do that.
What would you do?
We... we would try several things. But I need to see you a lot.
I don't know. I barely made it today.
We'll take it slow. You'll never feel you can't handle it.
I don't think I can afford it. I don't want my dad paying.
You have the best answer for everything. You seem so... hopeful. Are you always this sunny?
No one ever thought so. You must bring it out.
Is it contagious? 'Cause everyone agrees my immune system's way down.
Maybe you'll catch it.
I'm not making any promises.
We'll turn back anytime you want.
Mom's such a cutie.
People usually have to get to know me before they hate me.
She's not in a bad mood. She's like that all the time. It doesn't bother me anymore. It's my dad and my brother I worry about.
Maybe... but you're the one whose ass is dragging.
Is that the technical description of what I've got?
Is she against you getting help?
We don't discuss it.
Something's bothering her.
Please... forgive me.
What?
Okay then... Are you positive your mother's a bitch? Just kidding.
You've got a funny idea of funny.
I've offended you!
No.
Is this the treatment?
Sorry... I'm done.
I'm embarrassed. The list is so long.
Be specific.
Sore throat?
Painful lymph glands? Forget fulness... irritability... depression?
Yes, yes, and definitely yes. Also... I get confused.
Yeah, most people have that. It's confusing here.
Where?
I don't know if I mentioned the headaches.
Did you get headaches before this? But you get more now? Or more severe?
No, not really. They're about the same. My marriage was one long headache.
I can give myself a headache instantly.
Is that like a party trick?
There... I've given myself a real whopper.
You actually address yourself by name in your thoughts? So you really think having two opposing ideas in your head does some kind of damage?
Sometimes, yeah... pulling in two different directions at once. It makes tiny little tears in our fabric.
You're doing great.
I don't know if I'm going to make it the whole way.
It doesn't matter. Go on.
You're purposely making me talk while we do this... ...because you think this is good for me... ...and you're a sadistic bastard...
Yes.
...who thinks there's nothing really wrong with me.
That was really bad, wasn't it?
Disgusting.
And I'll bet you can interpret the whole thing
Is that when you split up?
So whose route is this?
Brady Peck's. Fourteen years old. Lives next door.
And he's where?
In the capitol for Boy's Nation. Five days. Why?
I'm thinking a gal could make a good living doing this. How hard could it be squeezing out some fourteen year old?
You like it?
It's all right.
Then you can expect me at 5:30 tomorrow morning.
And this is legitimate therapy?
When I was in high school we used to come up here and make out. I liked to sit on the rock and watch the sun go down.
That's what I like.
Which thing?
Either one.
Why'd you come to the house the other night?
I thought I had something to tell you. But it turned out I didn't.
My brother said you were about to fire me.
That's one way to put it.
I bet I know what changed your mind... ...My mother. She was so horrible, you decided you couldn't desert me.
-- you've been a tremendous help to me.
Yeah?
I can't tell you how much I admire you. You have a wonderful way with people. And you're very insightful. I feel like you've seen me clearly... I never used to admit what a horrible person my mother was. You've made that possible for me.
That's... good?
Yes! And my ex-husband -- he never accepted me for who I was, just like Mother. The things you've said have helped me understand what a dick he is.
I don't know if --
You're shockingly honest, that's what makes you great. I've never had a man treat me this way. With you, I feel really... listened to. Can I tell you something? It's a little embarrassing, but I feel very unguarded with you.
Of course.
I need to talk to you... Doctor. Can I come in?
It might've been more appropriate if we had followed a traditional approach to the doctor-patient relationship.
Is something wrong, Sofie?
Yes, something's very wrong, Dr. Mumford.
You're upset.
Is it something you've heard about me?
No, it is not something I've heard about you! It is someth-- Why? Is there something I should have heard about you?
All right... I'm going to come right out and say this, because that's what your shrink is for, right, so you can tell him what's bothering you?
Um-huh.
First of all, I have been feeling much better lately. I don't know if the syndrome is over -- if it's just run its course or something -- but I feel a hundred per cent better than when I first came to you.
I'm glad.
Given that, I'm obviously not going to be judging things in the most realistic way.
I don't follow you.
I'm saying that since I'm doing so much better -- which I attribute to you -- I'm liable to misinterpret some of my feelings.
Okay...
The point is this -- I am not a blank page. I did not just fall off the turnip truck. Do you know what I mean?
I think so.
I know a little about psychology. I took three different courses in college. It's true, none of them were above the two hundred level, but I took them... And there was one concept I remember very well.
What was that?
Transference!
Transference.
Hello?
Hello.
Mother...
I guess you saw the show...?
Which show was that?
Sofie...
Part of it. We were watching "ER" until someone called.
...How violated I feel?
You feel violated?
Not me... all my other my patients. I smelled tar and feathers on the way over here.
I am irate!
But...
But nothing... I'm mad as hell. This is a terrible thing you've done.
But, there is one... mitigating factor I want you to consider before you write me off.
What?
Will you think about it?
I don't know. Depends. I'm in a bad mood.
Oh.
...but first, you have to tell me something...
Anything... just ask.
You got off easy.
Will you wait for me?
We're only talking about six weeks.
Will you be here?
...so he already had the tattoo that said, "Naomi Forever"... and now they're broken up, see, and he has to have it removed. But while the scar is still healing, or whatever you call it when you have a tattoo removed, he meets Chandra. And it's serious, immediate love. So in no time, he's gone from the most gorgeous model in the world to
What do you mean, "in no time"?
In maybe three or four issues.
Weekly or monthly?
Monthly! God, how shallow do you think Brad is? Why do I waste my time telling you this stuff?
Why do you think you tell me, Nessa?
Don't do that thing... ...that shrink thing.
The school board doesn't pay you? What kind of deal is that?
It's called pro bono.
Pro boner? Pro bono, huh? For whose good, supposedly?
It's my bit for the community.
Fuck the community. There was this article my friends and I read. It was "25 Signs He's Great in Bed". It was very fascinating.
Where was this?
Where?... The New York Times. The first one was -- "he handles produce well." Which we already knew! The point is, you have a lot of the signs.
You been spying on me in the supermarket, Nessa?
I knew you wouldn't answer. I've been thinking about what you said last time. How me trying to lose weight -- and constantly not -- is like a lot of people with addictions. How maybe I can't lose the weight, ever... Which we already knew...
That's not quite what I said --
Isn't she amazing? That is such a wicked look.
What do you want me to see?
What are you doing? We're not done. I just need to find the thing...
If you don't want to have a session today, it's okay.
I want to have the session. I thought it would be cool if I could show you some of the things that interest me. But I guess you're not into it... which we already knew.
What happened today?
What are you talking about?
Was it something that happened at school?
These appointments were not my idea, remember.
I don't think you know what you're talking about.
Uh-huh.
There's this kid at school... Martin Brockett. He has some gigantic idea of himself that no one else shares. You wouldn't believe the crap he lays on me... Who appointed him my spiritual leader? If he has everything so figured out how come his best friend is a .22 rifle? And why's he spend all his time chasing after me? Probably thinks I'm gonna
Do you think that's what he wants?
...I mean, Doc, the dude is seriously deluded. I said that to him, I said, "If you think I'm gonna do all that shit for you, man, you are seriously deluded."
What'd he say?
What did he want you to do?
...What balls on this guy? What're we... ...going steady? Jesus.
No again?
I said I'd consider it. Nobody owns me. And the last thing was insane. I don't know what's wrong with him... No magazines.
Really?
I don't know if I can quit. We're gonna try it together, like, you know, AA or something. And I made him give up his .22. No more sneaking around the hills with his fucking nut gun like some loony tune.
He agreed?
You're Doc Mumford. Skip Skipperton.
How are you?
..."Find the need and fill it" my dad used to say -- I guess a lot of dads say that -- but I did and it just took off.
No kidding... Panda. Where'd that come from?
Would you like another beer?
Nah... scotch.
Can I ask you a personal question?
Of course! That's exactly what I want.
I gotta pee. Can I ask you something? This town is called Mumford... Been that way since... 18... 18-0... 18-0... ...thirteen! Right? Now here's the question -- Your name is Mumford, too.
Is that the question?
I hope you don't think I want you to do this for free. Just because we're gonna play it like we're friends, doesn't mean I won't pay you like a doctor.
I understand.
I have a lot of money. Do you know how much money I've got?
Don't tell me, 'cause I'm not going to tell you what I've got.
I've got three big ones.
I'm impressed. I couldn't make three million dollars if I lived three lifetimes.
This is great!
This is exactly what I wanted.
Skip, you must have lots of people you can throw a ball with.
You'd be surprised. Most guys have kids or wives or girlfriends. They're busy. It's not as easy as you think.
Skip, you're the head of the whole deal here. Are they busier than you?
So, would you say we're out here... let me think how to put this... Is your problem really that you're... lonely?
Don't you like this?
Hell yes, I like it. What's better than this? Most guys would kill just to have someone do this with them whenever they like.
Okay then. Have you got a lot of friends?
Lily and I talk a bit. You know Lily, runs the coffee shop?
No... I've seen her. Good-looking woman.
She's probably ten years older than you.
Good-looking woman.
Lives downstairs from me. She's got a great dog named for Danny Ainge.
Really? I'm the only person I know that likes Danny Ainge, outside of Celtic fans. Maybe Phoenix.
Well, there's Lily.
Did you know that Danny Ainge was drafted by the Blue Jays? Do you know what kind of athlete you have to be to play in the NBA and in the bigs?
Amazing.
Unbelievable... ...And Lily named her dog after him? Far out.
What?
So I guess Henry Follett is a patient of yours. He's my pharmacist.
Pretty good, too. Lots of detail. Nothing hard core. Old-fashioned ones, from back when people cared about atmosphere and character.
Uh-huh.
Problem is, his fantasy life's a lot better than his real one. Nothing can live up to it. His wife got sick of it and left him. Took his kids with her.
Hey, Skip.
Doc. I know we're not supposed to get together till Wednesday...
How many sessions have we had now, Doc? Six. And it's been good... like we were two buddies hanging out. Just shootin' the shit.
I want to tell you something, Doc, but before I do, I need to ask you a question... Because, for me to tell you this thing -- well, I haven't told anybody about this. It's the biggest secret I've got.
Sometimes it's best to keep a few things just for ourselves.
You're a shrink, Doc. Aren't I supposed to be able to tell you everything?
Hey, maybe that's all right! I don't know all that much about psychology or therapy or... ethics, so maybe there's something I missed... or something...
You're concerned that maybe I can't be trusted with a secret.
Yeah, well... what I was gonna tell you --
-- Skip. Knowing what you do about me --
All right, I'm just gonna tell you, as simple and direct as I can. And you understand that this is a big secret? Just between us? Okay. You know I've got this gift for certain kinds of... machines.
You are Panda, monarch of modems.
That's right. And you also know that even though I make 23% of the modems in the world... I cannot make one simple connection with any woman who could truly love me.
Okay... let's say that, for now.
Guess. Go ahead, guess!
Jerking off?
Slash what?
Sexual surrogate... slash... companion.
A doll?
How's it coming?
You don't think I'm insane?
And that's your secret? You meant -- like a trade secret?
No, Doc, a private secret! It's perverted, it's pitiful. What am I -- Dr. Frankenstein? Aren't you repulsed?
Sounds like kind of a good idea.
Really?
Skip, that's not much of a secret.
It's not?
Who else knows?
Just you.
Damn! What is your name?
Doesn't matter. You can call me Doc.
I've told you a lot of private stuff.
I can tell you anything else.
But there was one job that looked like it might be fun -- Investigator.
-- an investigator for the Internal Revenue Service?
Everybody has a story, Skip.
Sounds like you have several.
What it felt like was... a series of separate, unconnected lives -- hillbilly kid, wrecked college boy, garbage man, civil service guy... ...et cetera... et cetera. Every time I'd leave a life, it felt good. Whatever problems I was having were suddenly gone. I had no friends and I didn't talk to my family. The only constant, stabilizing force in my life was... drugs.
An IRS investigator with a drug problem?
It wasn't the best situation.
Did you carry a gun?
Of course, him being insane didn't make it all right that I fell in love with his wife.
"Get to know your therapist."
You were messed up, man.
But look at me now...
At least you pulled yourself out...
Things got a lot worse.
And the drugs?
Somebody's taking a shower down there.
That'd be Lily.
I wish I could live in the shower. I'd take five a day if I had the time. I went to this spa in Germany, a sanitarium practically, up on this mountain. And the great thing -- they just kept you wet all day.
Who'd you go with? That's not good.
How'd you do it? The new you.
You know how easy it is. A kid can manage it if he wants a fake I.D. You can do practically the whole deal at your local Kinko's. The only variable is how much pride you take in the product.
I know it starts with a birth certificate...
What about it?
"Mumford"... I mean, why pick the name of the town you were going to?
And a birth certificate is enough?
But you studied psychology, right? You did the training and just never got the degree?
No... no training.
Psych major?
English Lit.
Jeez, man. But you're good at it!
Where ya going? I've got a million questions.
I've never brought anyone down here before.
I'm honored.
Doc, there's something about what you told me the other night I can't get out of my head. It's driving me batty -- Why me? How did you know you could trust me?
Skip, I've got a problem and I need some advice.
Pretty creepy, huh? Are you totally disgusted?
Skip, you're a visionary. That can be a burden.
This doesn't seem a little... perverse?
There are a lot of lonely people in the world. Somebody's gonna figure this out someday.
It's not going to be me. I'm giving it up.
Really?
It's all your fault. In the last 48 hours, I've completely lost interest.
Lily.
Lily... ...Skip, that's great! You and Lily.
Sorry...
I'm here for you, Doc.
Skip, you know that it's improper -- completely unethical -- for a licensed psychologist to carry on a romantic relationship with one of his patients?
I guess that makes sense.
Doc!... It's not me, is it?
Hmm. I guess that doesn't help... I see where you're going here. It's a mess.
Forgive me, please. What a gracious thought. We must do that.
When?
It's possible. I don't know about that.
I suppose your extended training was at an institution in that area?
I trained in the east, myself -- Cornell -- and I don't care what anyone says, there really are regional differences. I found the state certification exams out here quite harrowing... Did you?
Oh, yeah, very tough. But I guess that's good... to keep out the quacks.
Which examiner did you have? I probably know him.
That was a terrible thing.
Yes... your particular approach.
I told you to leave or die, you refused, and now you may have killed us all. For you have unleashed the creature that we have feared for more than four thousand years.
Relax, I got him.
No mortal weapons can kill this creature. He is not of this world.
You know where he's taking her?
Who the hell are these guys?
I never killed a priest before.
They are evil, cursed, they matter not.
We saved him! Saved him before the creature could finish his work. Now leave, all of you, quickly, before he finishes you all.
And what ritual would that be?
The ritual to bring the body of Anck- su-namun back to life.
And how does one do that?
By reading the Book Of The Dead.
Oh yes, of course.
And then killing your sister.
If he arrives before us, it will be too late.
Personally, I would like to surrender. Why can we not just surrender?
Now go find me a big stick.
How'd a guy like you end up in the Legion anyways?
I got caught robbing a synagogue. Lots of good stuff in them holy places; churches, temples, mosques, and who's guarding them?
Altar boys?
What then? Robbery? Extortion? Kidnapping!
None of the above, thank you.
My very good friend! What a surprise.
You never were any good with the ladies, O'Connell.
So you're the one leading the Americans, I shoulda figured. So what's the scam? You get 'em out in the middle of the desert then leave 'em to rot?
The girl saved my life, figured it was the least I could do, keep her out of trouble.
Let's make us even, shall we?
O'Connell! I am going to kill you for this!
Hey O'Connell! Looks to me like I got all the horses!
Ten to one, O'Connell, your odds are no-so-good.
Goin' somewhere?
C'mon, friend.
Why do you like to fight so much?
Beni ya little stinkweed, where did you slink off to?
You left me! You left me in the desert to rot.
Oh yeah,... sorry bout that. So who's this guy?
This is Prince Imhotep, High Priest of Osiris.
The Prince does not like to be touched by other humans. A Silly eastern superstition, I'm afraid.
Yeah, well, we all got our little problems today don't we?
He has come to help Mister Burns. Somehow I feel responsible.
Don't gimme that, you never had any scruples.
Where's your new friend?
Then you got no excuse for living. What the hell you doin, being buddies with this creep, Beni? What's in it for you?
It is better to be the right hand of the Devil,... than in his path. As long as I serve him, I am immune.
Immune from what?
You shall see.
The book! The black book they found at Hamunaptra! Imhotep wants it back. Said to me it would be worth it's weight in diamonds.
What does he want the book for?
Like what that Moses guy did to that Pharaoh guy?
What just happened?
Yeah?
...and how do you say? Those slimy things, in your stomach?
Intestines.
I'm sorry, it was an accident.
You put up with me, because I can read and write ancient Egyptian, decipher hieroglyphs and hieratic, and I'm the only person within a thousand miles who knows how to properly code and catalogue this library.
See the cartouche there, it's the official royal seal of Seti the First, I'm sure of it.
Miss Carnavon. Gentlemen.
What is he doing here?
And you think this justifies killing innocent people!?
In the necropolis, when I saw him, - alive,... walking, he called me Anck- su-namun. And then in Mister Burns' quarters he tried to kiss me.
I'm thinking that if the black Book Of The Dead can bring people back to life --
-- then perhaps, the golden Book Of The Living can return them to the underworld.
She is like all the others. She will die in the desert.
The key!? She has the lost key!?
Yes. No one has ever had so much, been so close. We must stop her, or it will be the end of us all.
Then we will kill her, we will kill her and all those with her.
And burn the map and retrieve the key.
It will be done. But what of the American expedition? They leave tomorrow as well.
I'm willin, to go on a little faith, here.
You will not believe it.
Okay, let's cut to the chase. He's afraid of cats, what's that about?
So your sayin', if we find the book made outta gold --
-- And read the sacred incantations contained inside it.
You think it'll send this guy back to hell?
Which would be located not far to the east of the Anubis statue.
Don't tell me we gotta go back out there?
See! That proves it! Old Seti's fortune's gotta be under this sand!
I wouldn't trade ya for a brass spittoon!
The sun turning black.
You bastards!
The hell with that! I'm not goin' nowhere! We're safe here.
The hell with this. I'm goin, downstairs to get me a drink. You want somethin'?
And what is he in prison for?
I did not know, so when I heard you were coming, I asked him that myself.
And what did he say?
Where are they taking him?
No women allowed.
I will give you one hundred pounds to spare his life.
I would pay one hundred pounds just to see him hang.
Two hundred pounds.
Proceed!
You lie.
Are you saying this filthy godless son of a pig knows where to find The City Of The Dead? Truly?
Yes and if you cut him down, we will give you ten percent.
Fifty percent.
Twenty.
A bright good morning to all.
What are you doing here?
Do you realize, we are standing inside a room that no one has entered in over four thousand years.
So who's the broad?
We uh,... found... your puzzle box, and we've come to ask you about it.
No.
No?
How do you know the box pertains to Hamunaptra?
You were actually at Hamunaptra?
I just decked your brother
Yeah, I was there.
You swear?
Every damn day.
No, I mean --
-- I know what you mean. I was there, alright. Seti's place. The City Of The Dead.
What did you find? What did you see?
Could you tell me how to get there? The exact location?
Yes.
Give... give him... give him GLAAAA-- !
Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya.
The only thing that scares me, Mister O'Connell, are your manners.
Still angry that I kissed ya, huh?
Did I miss something? Are we going into battle?
There's something out there, you know, something under that sand.
Evil. The Tuaregs and the Bedouin believe that Hamunaptra is cursed, they call it, "the doorway to hell."
I don't believe in fairy tales and hokum, Mister O'Connell, but I do believe that one of the most famous books in history is buried out there, The Book Of The Living. It's what first interested me in Egypt as a child. It's why I came here, sort of a life's pursuit.
You know your history.
Relax! I'm the map! It's all up here.
Can you swim?
Well of course I can swim, if the occasion calls for it.
We're almost there.
For what?
That "thing" gets me excited.
The things that get you excited.
According to Bembridge Scholars, inside the statue of Anubis was a secret compartment, perhaps containing The Book Of The Living.
What are those mirrors for?
Oh my god, It's a preparation room.
Preparation for what?
Yeah, that'd bring you back to life.
Oh my god,... it looks like, it looks like a sarcophagus.
Why would they bury somebody in the ceiling?
There's some sort of lock here. You say these thing's are made of granite with a steel interior?
A key! That's it! That's what he was talking about.
Seems the Americans had a little misadventure of their own today, three of their diggers were killed.
How?
You two!
You don't believe in curses, huh?
Unlike your brother, Miss, you I don't get. You're a whole new brew.
I know, you're wondering, what's a place like me doing in a girl like this?
Something like that.
Egypt is in my blood. My father was a famous explorer, he loved Egypt so much that he married an Egyptian. My mother! Who was quite an adventurer herself
I may not be an explorer, or an adventurer, or a treasure hunter, or a gunfighter! Mister O'Connell But I'm proud of what I am.
I'm going to kiss you, Mister O'Connell.
No you're not.
I'm not?
Not unless you call me Rick.
Why would I do that?
No... Why?... Should I?
Oh my god, I've dreamed about this ever since I was a little girl.
Is he supposed to look like that?
Are you saying somebody threw these things in with our guy, and they slowly ate him alive?
According to my readings, our friend suffered the HOM-DAI, the worst of all ancient Egyptian curses, one reserved for only the most evil blasphemers. In all of my research, I've never read of this curse actually having been performed.
That bad huh?
Yes, they never used it because they feared it so. It's written, that if a victim of the HOM-DAI should ever arise, he would bring with him the ten plagues of Egypt.
You sure you outta be playin, around with that?
Having an encounter with a four thousand year old walking-talking corpse tends to convert one.
Forget it, we're out the door down the hall and gone.
No we are not. We woke him up, and we must try and stop him.
We?! What we?! You didn't read that book. I told you not to play around with that thing.
Then we'll have to find some immortal ones.
According to that Book, once this creature has been reborn, his curse will spread, and as he grows in strength, so will his curse grow, infecting the people until the whole of the earth is destroyed.
Yeah? So? Is that my problem?
It's everybody's problem!
Look lady, I appreciate you saving my life and all, but when I signed on, I agreed to take you out there and bring you back, and I did, now were even, end of job, end of story, contract terminated.
That's what I am to you? A contract?
You can either tag along with me, or you can stay here and play around with Mister Maggot.
I'm staying.
He's here! I saw him! That thing is here!
You called me your girl?
What?... Oh yeah, that was just um, you know, figure a speech.
I think you were jealous
Got it!
Don't do it, Evelyn.
Got guts, lady.
You...! YOU...!
Have you no respect for the dead?
Well I wish you'd do it sooner rather than later, before you ruin my career the way you've ruined yours.
Oh yes I do! I have something right here!
Jonathan?
Yes?
Two questions. Who the hell is Seti the First? And was he rich?
He was the last Pharaoh of the Old Kingdom, said to be the wealthiest Pharaoh of them all.
Yes. The City of The Dead. Where the early Pharaohs were said to have hidden the wealth of Egypt.
Right, right, in a big underground treasure chamber. Everybody knows the story. The entire necropolis was rigged to sink into the sand. On Pharaoh's command, a flick of the switch! And the whole place could disappear beneath the dunes.
You told me you found it on a dig down in Thebes!
I was mistaken.
You lied to me!
I lie to everybody, what makes you so special?
I'm your sister.
That just makes you more gullible.
You stole it from a drunk at the local Casbah?!
But he's just a filthy criminal?
Do you really think he'll show up?
Undoubtedly, I know the breed, he may be a cowboy, but his word is his word.
Ah, begging your pardon, but shouldn't we be going?
According to my calculations, we should be right under the statue. We'll come up right between his legs. Oh my.
It's called mummification. You're dead when they do this
What do you suppose killed him?
I can't believe I allowed the two of you to get me drunk.
Don't blame me, I don't even remember being there.
Juicy?
I found it, Evy! I found it
What do I do, Evy!? What do I do!?
Finish the inscription, idiot!
Ummm, Hootash im... Hootash im now what is this last symbol here?
Ah! Ah! Ahmenophus!
She's my sister, actually.
Hey,... don't I know you?
Sit down, O'Connell, sit down, we could use another good player.
I can't believe the price of these fleabags.
We coulda had 'em for free, all we had to do was give 'em your sister.
Yes, awfully tempting, wasn't it?
That thing gives me the creeps.
You're welcome to my share of the spider webs.
None taken.
We'll sneak up and steal that book right out from under them.
Lemme get this straight, they stuck a sharp, red hot poker up your nose, cut your brain into small pieces, then ripped it all out through your nostrils?
Whoever's in here, sure wasn't getting out.
Tough break.
Where's my gun?
What are you going to do? Shoot him?
You did not!?... We're not!?
He certainly was not a popular fellow when they planted him.
Did you see that!? Grasshoppers! Billions of grasshoppers!
Who's here!?
That looked rather painful.
Ya know, ever since I met you, my luck has been for crap.
Damn-it! That's two down and only two to go.
Believe it, sister. That's what brought our buddy back to life.
What?
We gotta get her back.
Okay, now what the hell does this Horus guy look like?
He's a big fellow with pointy ears and a face like a falcon.
Do something, Jonathan! Kill it!
I knew you'd come. I left that skylight open for you.
I know you did.
I knew you'd know.
I know you knew I'd know.
But did you know I knew you'd know I'd know?
The jig is up, Casanova. I've spent six months watching you, and know exactly what you're up to.
Really?
And I know the terrible revenge that you plan to inflict on this city.
I guess you know just about everything, don't you, Lance?
Um-hmm.
Except for one little thing.
And what's that?
That I've hot wired the city's entire power supply through that catwalk.
Everything's going exactly as we planned.
Not quite. You haven't announced our engagement yet.
It must have slipped my mind.
Your mind is so slippery.
Where are you going?
What are you doing all alone in the dark?
I thought you were done?
Our guests are waiting.
You two timing psychotic bastard.
Darling, you've got the wrong idea.
Do I?
The Bowler? I remember him from when I was a kid. He was killed years ago.
Look, honey, being a superhero... it's a guy thing.
And then one day, he didn't come home. The police said it was an accident. But cargo containers don't just fall on people. He was murdered... After that I fell apart. I dropped out of school, became a mud wrestler, married and divorced a jerk. When my mother died I hit bottom... but then, when I was cleaning out her attic, I found my
So who killed him?
We didn't think this through very well.
He was the last time I saw him.
When was that?
Much less go outside.
We could really use some coffee --
Come on, baby!
Atta, girl!
Hey, do I look like a Man?
Who are you?
And you can't count Horst Buckholtz anyway.
He was cute though.
How about... the Savage Six?
But she's your mother. You gotta tell her.
I'm her only son, and she always had such high hopes for me. Medicine. Law.
But you're a superhero.
The cape. The turban. She wouldn't understand.
I know... My girlfriends all dumped me after I put on the mask. They thought I'd lost it.
It's late. I'm headin' home.
Me, too.
No one will believe us.
Sounds good to me.
But that place is huge and we don't know where this psycho thing is --
Hey... Can I buy you a beer?
That's two more than the Fantastic Four.
Casanova said that in two days the entire city would belong to him... and there wasn't a thing that we could do about it.
What did he mean?
Mon Captain, it's for you.
Hey... you okay?
Eat your mustard.
Yes!
Doctor Heller?
Yes!
It's me... Elizabeth.
Elizabeth! Little Elizabeth! Why you're so... middle aged!
Thanks.
How's your dad?
He's dead.
Doc, these are my friends. We're superheroes, and we need your help.
Snap out of it!
He'll never make it.
I hope you enjoy these cigars. I had to kill a dozen Cubans to get them.
Ummm.
Have you considered my offer?
But times have changed, and you been in that bug house a long tine. I can see you still got the style, but I dunno for sure you still got the edge.
I got it.
Superheroes.
Should I kill them?
That boy's got talent.
What did you do with Captain Amazing?
I'll let you in on a little secret, Roy. In two days this entire city will belong to me, and there's not a damn thing your little pals can do about it. It's the perfect time to switch teams... So what do you say?
You're nuts.
They always call the great ones nuts.
And the nuts always call themselves great.
Are you with me... or against me?
Against.
Thanks for reminding me which team I'm on.
You're dead.
And the light goes out...
Let me guess... Bullets don't hurt you.
I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but I couldn't help but notice... that you're a dead ringer for Veronica Lake in "The Blue Dahlia".
Are you an actress?
Just a waitress.
You know I'm writing a play -- it's just a little Broadway thing, but there's a part in it that I think you'd be perfect for.
Really?
I'd love to hear you read it. Could you stick around after the luncheon?
Sure -- I guess.
Hi.
I thought you'd chickened out on me.
How 'bout giving me "the tour"?
Who's the artist?
Come here.
I'm not that kind of girl.
Then why are you here?
Curiosity.
I'd better go.
You're a spy.
What?
I saw him walk you home.
Who?
Stay away!
Doesn't it piss you off the way the when you really want to talk to somebody you can't think of anything to say!
I guess... Are you always so angry?
Or talk?
Hi.
Alone tonight?
Monica... I was wondering if -- uh -- maybe we -- I mean you and I -- could -- uh -- you know -- get a -- I mean have a...
Date?
Yeah.
I get off work in fifteen minutes. Walk me home?
Sure.
I admire you.
Why?
Being a superhero, wanting to save the world. It's so... unselfish.
It is?
Most people just want to make money or be famous or something. But you risk everything, just to help people.
I wouldn't mind being famous.
I've never been able to figure out what to do with my life, which is why I guess I'm still a waitress.
Nothing wrong with being a waitress.
What's your real name?
Roy.
Me too... I love this stupid old town. It's noisy. It's smelly. It's falling apart.
It's home.
I've thought of leaving, going to Chicago or New York, but...
What have they got that we ain't got?
Champion's going to bounce back, and I want to be here when it does.
Me, too.
You know what? Underneath all that anger I think there's just a little boy who wants everyone to love him.
I just want to be a superhero.
It's me.
At the Frankenstein Center.
Are you nuts? Get out of there!
I'm going inside.
What are you talking about?
Listen, Casanova may be a supervillain, but he's got a weakness, and I'm it. Maybe -- just maybe -- I can trick him into showing me the location of the whatchamathing.
He's a psycho! He'll kill you!
Just shut up and listen. Hold off the attack as long as you can. If I can discover the location I'll call you --
And what if you get killed?
Roy... We might never see each other again, so I'd better tell you now... I think you're wonderful.
What?
Bye.
So, let me get this straight. You have the power to become invisible.
If someone looks at you, you immediately become visible again.
So how do you know that you've ever been invisible?
Look, kid, we've got a lot of heroes to interview --
Come on, guys -- we're fighting against evil.
You're the Sphinx.
But now Casanova's back! And we're gonna sit around here all night eating pizza and telling stories! Hey, lets toast some marshmellows!
The wise snake coils before he strikes.
You drink too much.
When are you going to take off that mask?
Your rage is a very great power, but it blinds you to your heart.
My heart died a long time ago.
It is not dead. It is hiding.
Maybe. But this isn't about living or dying. It's about good versus evil, and we're good, whether we like it or not... Maybe we look a little funny...
And smell a little funny. We're not bulletproof and we can't fly. But we're superheroes -- and that means doing what's right -- even when it's impossible... This is our city -- these are our friends, our families -- and if we don't save them, nobody will! So I say we take a ride up that hill, blast our way in there, destroy that
We're all the same really. Our songs, our dreams, our seeds are all just a brave attempt to live forever.
Oh don't start that again --
Leave him alone. She's his mother, not yours.
We had an off night, that's all.
What are you talking about?
And it would be the right thing to do.
I'm liking this.
Have you ever seen him?
How could I see him if he's invisible?
You sure that's how you spell it?
There's just not enough of us.
There's a big difference.
You know something? Those guys are really starting TO PISS ME OFF!
But there's still only six of us.
So what else has Superman got?
This place is built like a fortress.
GET MAD!
Your Spiderman Pez dispenser!
But she still might call!
Are you coming or not?
I'll drive.
Cover me!
He doesn't miss a trick, does he?
He's Lance Hunt! Just take off the glasses -- and it's him!
There's a vague similarity.
We need a break, that's all! Nobody'd ever heard of him until he busted Casanova Frankenstein!
Why do they always fill stuff these things so full you can't pull 'em out without ripping 'em!
I lost another fork tonight. She's getting suspicious, I know it.
So why don't you just tell her!
I can't.
Why not?
Nah.
Roy, when was the last time you had an actual date?
What does it matter? Women just want to control you -- and talk about their feelings. They want to know why you're angry all the time -- and what can they can do to help -- so you tell them there's nothing -- nothing -- just leave me alone -- but they bug you and they bug you and they bug you -- until
So you're chicken?
Maybe you should try a more romantic approach.
Like what? Cutting off my own ear?
Or flowers.
I saw him go in -- and he didn't come out!
Let's go.
The who?
The most vicious gang of thugs this city ever produced. Twenty years ago they were Casanova's personal bodyguard. But after he was busted they crawled into the woodwork.
I'm soaked. Oh great.
Maybe she's right.
Agents?
But there's only three of us, and he's got the entire brotherhood of evil at his disposal.
Sounds good.
Maybe there was traffic.
Roy, remember, it is all within your power. The only thing that's in your way... is you.
Roy --
So where's the art?
What's that?
He's turned into a completely normal person!
But... only when no one is looking.
So you're only invisible... to yourself?
So you're only invisible, when absolutely no one is looking at you?
The Obliterators!
Firepower costs money.
Yes, Obie-wan.
You guys going to a costume party?
We're superheroes.
Are you famous?
Not yet.
So you're like... struggling superheroes?
We prefer to think of ourselves as unsung... I am the Blue Raja, Master of Silverware...
Wow.
Really?
Usually a superpower is a magical endowment or a great skill. In his case, it's entirely emotional.
So what can I get you?
Here you go.
Ow.
Jeffrey!
Oh hi, Mom.
What are you doing in the silver drawer?
It's on the television.
Jeffrey, YOU THIEF!
Mother... it's not what you think!
And why are you wearing that silly costume?
Oh, Mother, I'm sorry. I know how much you wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer with a family -- but it's just not who I am!
But... the silverware?
I use it... to fight evil.
Jeffrey... this is wonderful.
It is?
I always knew that you were special.
You did?
Oh, who gives a damn who he is? I can't take this anymore. Night after night we're on the streets, busting our humps -- and for what?
We take the licks and he gets the chicks.
Hi.
She likes you.
Definitely.
This is bad.
Who are they?
We may be getting in over our heads here.
This looks like a job for Superman --
Or Batman --
Don't crunch the leaves.
Sorry.
Be a Mohican.
Do we have to?
And there's the Sphinx.
The who?
And a social life.
To us!
Are you sure he's still lives here?
But, Doc... where's the machine guns?
Twenty years ago all the major hoodlums of this city were united into one great brotherhood of evil, and Casanova was their king.
He busted Casanova and sent the crooks packing.
Maybe it's time we checked that place out.
That was too close.
We're outnumbered twenty to one.
Oh no.
It's time.
We've got lift off!
Where am I going?
Through there!
It is a thing entirely unknown in diplomacy, that one government should assume a right to dictate to another, who is upon terms of equality, the conditions on which she should conduct her commerce; and, assuming such a right, second it by threatening language, in case of non-compliance.
But, Your Majesty, the very substance of the Tilsit treaty was that you should join the Continental Blockade, boycott English goods, suspend all commercial dealings with her, and be France's ally. Nothing more is being asked than to comply with the treaty.
My dear Caulaincourt, agreements can endure only when they allow both sides to live. Napoleon may believe it is necessary to injure England but, before that, he must realize it is necessary for him to allow his friends to live. He cannot expect me to tell my nobles they must ruin themselves so that he can bring England to her knees -- and I'm
I can appreciate what Your Majesty is saying but the Emperor has staked everything on this policy. He has no other way to attack England, and no one knows more than Your Majesty how his overtures for peace have been rejected.
It's a fine thing to establish policies but, when they don't work, they must be reconsidered. Granted that you have hurt England, but she is still on her feet. And to seal off her trade with Europe, what has it cost you? You have had to rule with an iron hand. You have turned friends into enemies. And even at that, the result has
I am in no position to debate this with you, Your Majesty, but can you imagine what a blow it will be to the Emperor if you should now desert his cause? It would mean nothing less than victory for England.
Your Majesty knows my affection for him is deep and genuine, and goes far beyond my official role as Ambassador. But I would be remiss in my feelings for you, and in my responsibility to the Emperor, if I did not say that it is entirely possible that the Emperor will view your refutation of the terms of the Treaty of Tilsit, as the
I hope you will forgive me, Your Majesty, for requesting an audience at such a late hour, but I have traveled all the way from Moscow to see you, on a matter which cannot wait.
Very well, General, what is it you wish to say?
Your Majesty, I have been advised that you have received a letter from Napoleon, offering a peace treaty, and that you have decided to accept it.
I have decided to accept the principle of a negotiation; the terms are not established.
If I may, Your Majesty, I would like to offer a dissenting opinion.
General Kutusov, feel free to say whatever you like.
I believe I am right in saying that, before the fire, the country had grown weary of the war, and there were few who were interested in continuing the battle.
Proceed.
But, since the fire, a completely new spirit has been aroused in the nation. The French have become an army of criminals, against whom Russia must be avenged, against whom she is now prepared to fight to the death.
You know, General Kutusov, there is a very strong possibility that the fire was not started by Napoleon's troops but was organized under the orders of Rostopchin's secret police.
I have heard that story but I do not believe it.
Rostopchin is a fanatic and he is capable of anything -- however, it doesn't affect what we are talking about. Please go on.
The point I was trying to make is that I think it is reasonable to say that Your Majesty would not find himself under unbearable pressure, if he decided to make peace with the Emperor, at least at this time.
For the sake of your argument, let us say that is correct.
Well, has Your Majesty considered what Napoleon's alternatives might be, if you simply chose to ignore his note?
Yes, General Kutusov, I daresay that this has been considered and discussed at great length. Napoleon would simply spend the winter in Moscow and continue the campaign in the spring. Another lesser possibility might be to march on St. Petersburg now, although there is some doubt that he has the strength to do this, until he refits his army.
You have my absolute assurance, Your Majesty, that Napoleon does not have the strength to attack St. Petersburg now -- his army is exhausted and ill-supplied, and he would be defeated if he attempted that.
I will accept your assurance, but I'm afraid I don't see your point.
Forgive me, Your Majesty, I am about to make it.
Ah, yes -- proceed.
Well, that is a very interesting idea, General Kutusov, but I can assure you that Napoleon is no beginner at this. Whatever analysis you have done on this situation, I am sure that he has gone over the same ground.
I have no doubt that he has, Your Majesty, but does he have any strong moves from which to choose?
Well, one thing immediately comes to mind, if what you are saying is true -- he would merely withdraw his army from Moscow and return to Poland for the winter.
Your Majesty has grasped the outlines of his problem in much less time than it took me. This is a crucial point -- and it is a political one, which Your Majesty will be in a far better position to answer than I. Can Napoleon afford to abandon Moscow without signing even the preliminaries of a peace treaty with you?
I must confess he would look a bit silly, fighting his way to Moscow and turning right around again.
Perhaps it would be even more serious than that, Your Majesty. His European confederation is held together by some very slender threads. Your Majesty knows even better than I that Austria and Prussia are very doubtful allies, and the Emperor has reason enough to fear that they will turn on him, at the first sign of weakness.
Proceed.
What do you think Napoleon will do?
If he withdraws his army in good order, it will be a serious political defeat. But, if he should be caught on the move, with his army, in the full grip of winter, then it will be a catastrophe. If Your Majesty can prolong his hopes for a treaty by silence, be deceit, by any means, for another month, thus postponing his departure, then
General Kutusov, I would like to call a meeting of my cabinet tomorrow morning and have you present this idea to them. I think it has merit and is worthy of consideration.
And, what a great pleasure it is, indeed, to meet you, Alexander.
And, what a delightful idea!
Ah -- you approve?
I think it's absolutely charming.
I'm glad you like it.
Whatever suggested the idea to you?
You can always tell at a glance whether retreating infantry are being pursed by cavalry, because they hurry along and keep turning around and looking back. When they are retreating before infantry, they merely trudge along, head down.
Fascinating! Tell me, leaving aside the question of grand strategy, for the moment, what would you say is the single most difficult tactical skill to master?
Without a doubt, to estimate the enemy's strength on the battlefield. This is something that is only acquired by experience and instinct. At Jena, there were as many opinions about strength of the enemy as there were generals present. Murat said there were 50,000, preparing to attack. Berthier said there were no more than 25,000, about to withdraw. "Berthier sees only what is in
Ah, my dear Napoleon, sometimes I feel that I am not really an Emperor as you are.
What do you mean?
Yes -- who spoke up?
Yes, Captain? Have you anything you wish to say?
Yes, with all due respect, I do Citizen Barras.
Please...
Ah, my dear friend, come in, come in. Please sit down.
I'm sorry, I was at the theater and I didn't receive your note until I returned to my hotel.
Thank you for coming. Would you care for a drink?
I don't have to tell you of our latest difficulties.
Things are quite serious, I should say.
We expect an attack on the Convention tomorrow morning, at daybreak, and I have been placed in charge of its defense.
What do you have in mind?
To be perfectly honest, I haven't the vaguest idea.
Are you serious?
I don't even know whether a defense is possible.
What forces do you have at your disposal?
About 5,000 troops.
Cavalry?
The 21st Dragoons, about two or three-hundred troopers.
Any cannon?
There are none here.
Where are they?
Well, I believe there are at least 30 guns at Sablons.
You could have them here by daybreak.
Is this enough to oppose 40,000 men?
Properly arranged, yes.
These are odds of 8 to 1.
The numbers are not particularly relevant. You are not up against soldiers -- this is a mob, and they will run as soon as things become sufficiently unpleasant.
Would you be prepared to handle this for me?
Are you proposing to transfer command to me?
In every practical sense, yes, but, officially, of course, I would have to retain command.
Fair enough.
I must be honest with you. I first approached three generals more senior than yourself, and they all very prudently sent excuses.
I'm not insulted.
You realize what is at stake?
Our lives, the revolution, my career?
Well, Belliard, what's this? What are you doing here? Where is the enemy?
They are at the gates of Paris, sire.
And where is the army?
It is on this road, sire, following me.
And who is defending Paris?
Paris is evacuated, sire. The enemy is to enter at nine o'clock tomorrow morning. The National Guard is on duty at the gates.
Paris has surrendered?! I don't believe it.
Unhappily, it is true, sire.
But where are my wife and son? What's become of them? Where is Marmont? Where is Mortier?
But, sire, Your Majesty would lay Paris open to being sacked. The enemy is outside the gates with more than 120,000 men. Besides this, I left the city under the terms of a treaty and I am forbidden to reenter Paris.
A treaty? Don't be ridiculous. What treaty is this? Who made it? Who has been giving orders?
I don't know the details of the treaty, sire, Marshal Mortier sent me word of its having been agreed to, and he said that I was to take the army and make for Fontainebleau.
But who made this treaty?
I believe it was arranged by Marshals Mortier and Marmont. I must explain to you that we have had no orders all day. Each marshal has been keeping his own position.
Who sent my wife and son out of Paris?
I don't know, sire.
And where is Joseph?
I don't know what has happened to Prince Joseph.
Josephine dead -- how unbelievable! How impossible it is to believe it. She was always physically so strong -- she was never ill a day in her life.
But did she have the best doctors? Wasn't there any chance at all to save her?
I don't know, sire -- she had the Tsar's personal physician.
She should have had Larrey or Corvisart. They might have saved her... But why didn't anyone even write to me? Can you believe that no one even bothered to write to me? Would you have believed that I should read such news in a newspaper? How incredible!
That is incredible.
Ah, my poor Josephine. She was the most alluring, most glamorous creature I have ever known -- a woman in every sense of the word, and she had the kindest heart in the world. She may have been a liar and a spendthrift, but she had something that was irresistible -- she was a women to her very fingertips... How impossible it is to
I have never heard an unkind word about her spoken.
Who is there?
Bertrand, sire.
I have just had the most vivid... dream... about Josephine.
Yes, sire?
She was sitting there... and it was as if I had last seen her only the night before... She hadn't changed -- she was still the same -- still completely devoted to me... and she told me we were going to see each other again and, never again, leave each other... She has promised me. Did you see her?
No, sire... I was asleep.
Read it back.
To Joseph Bonaparte -- Dear Joseph, I have been informed by my wife of the cold and spiteful treatment she has been receiving at the hands of my family, since my departure. I am also informed that you have refused to pay over to her any of the money I left with you expressly for this purpose. Must you, too, take this opportunity during
General Bonaparte?
Come back in an hour.
Excuse me, General Bonaparte, but I believe this is an extremely urgent matter, requiring your immediate attention.
This dispatch has just arrived from Aboukir, marked highest priority, for General Bonaparte's eyes only.
I believe you are acquainted with my brother, Joseph Bonaparte, and my aide, Major Junot.
Captain Charles, I believe you are one of General Le Clerc's aides-de- camp.
Yes, sir, I am.
Was it he who assigned you to command the escort which accompanied Madame Bonaparte's coach?
Was the trip normal in every respect?
Yes, sir.
Did any difficulties of any kind arise during the trip?
Then, you have my thanks, Captain Charles, for safely escorting Madame Bonaparte to Milan, and you may consider your assignment completed.
Thank you, sir.
You will return to Paris tomorrow and you will carry my compliments and thanks to General Le Clerc for assigning such an excellent officer to carry out a responsibility which has meant so much to myself and to Madame Bonaparte.
Thank you, sir. I will do that.
Yes, sir?
A glass of champagne, please.
Yes, sir. I hope you will excuse me for asking, General Bonaparte, but are you Corsican?
Yes, I am.
I thought so, I noticed your name when you were announced. I'm Corsican too -- my name is Arena.
Oh -- where do you come from?
Bastia -- and you?
Ajaccio.
I haven't been there for three years.
I haven't been back for ten years. Is your family still there?
No, they're living in Nice now.
That's a nice city. This is your first time here, isn't it?
Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
You don't know many of Citizen Barras' friends, do you?
Ah-hh, no.
Just a minute, General. Listen, don't let them fool you with all their grand la-de-da. They've all made their money from the war -- mostly from crooked war contracts. They say Citizen Barras has put away millions.
Hello there, Picart.
Ah, Didier -- you are alive.
Why are you carrying the dog?
His paws are frozen and he cannot walk.
When you eat him, may I have some?
My God...! What time is it?
Four o'clock.
When did it start?
The first reports came in at about ten.
Why didn't you wake me then?
At first, it hardly seemed more than a routine fire.
How did it spread so quickly?
It is the work of incendiaries.
I told Mortier that he would answer with his life for any looting.
Our troops have no part in this. It has been started by the Russians!
Impossible, I don't believe it.
We have already captured a dozen incendiaries, convicts, released just two days ago. They said they were acting under orders of the secret police.
But to start a fire like this in five hours -- how is it possible? It would take a carefully organized plan, tons of combustibles and hundreds of people.
From what we can tell, there are hundreds of agents, all over the city. The combustibles seem to have been carefully placed beforehand, and all the fire-engines have been removed from the city.
Good heavens, Ambassador -- what has happened?
Ah, good evening, my dear Duroc. I'm afraid I've been out hunting and I have had a rather bad fall.
Indeed you have, Ambassador. Have you sent for a doctor?
Yes, I have, and I hope you will forgive me, Duroc, but unless your visit is extremely urgent, I shall have to ask you to excuse me until tomorrow.
I beg your indulgence, Ambassador, but it is.
The Emperor has decided to marry your Archduchess, Marie-Louise.
What is that?
Earlier this afternoon, the Emperor refused the hand of the Grand Duchess Anna, of Russia, and, as I'm sure you can appreciate, he is quite able to change his mind again. For the Emperor, to choose a wife, is only a matter of minutes.
But this is not a matter which can be settled tonight, surely?
No one can say how the Emperor's thoughts work, Ambassador, and unless we move quickly, he might change his mind again.
But, my dear Duroc, how can I act without guidance from Vienna? I haven't the slightest idea of how the Emperor Francis might feel about this.
Good morning, Citizen de Beauharnais.
Good morning, sir. Are you General Bonaparte?
I am, Citizen. Is your mother Madame Josephine de Beauharnais?
Yes, sir. Are you acquainted with her?
I have met her. What is your business with me?
I believe you issued an order that all citizens of Paris must hand over any weapons that they have in their possession.
That is correct.
This morning, a Lieutenant and three soldiers came to our house and asked if we had weapons. I explained we had only my late father's sword, which, in fact, was not a weapon but only a keepsake of memory.
A sword is a weapon whatever else you might wish to use it for.
I told the Lieutenant my late father was General Alexander de Beauharnais, and asked if there was any consideration that might be given to his memory.
And he sent you to me?
He said no one had the authority to rescind the order except you.
Does your mother know you have come?
No, sir.
Well, then, you have a lot of initiative, my young friend.
My father's sword means more to me than any other possession I have.
Ah, my dear Francis, what a genuine pleasure it is to meet you at last.
I fear our meeting is long overdue... Napoleon.
I'm sorry that I am unable to offer you better hospitality, but this is the only place I have inhabited for the past month.
You have made such excellent use of it; I should think you will hate to leave it.
Shall we move closer to the fire?
Will Alexander be joining us soon?
I very much doubt that he will.
Oh...?
I'm afraid he has been rather upset by the outcome of the battle.
But he asked me to say... on his behalf... that your achievements have increased his... admiration for you, and that he believes... your success is predestined by heaven... and that his army...
My dear Francis, you do seem extremely uncomfortable.
I'm afraid I am, just a bit.
Would you like some brandy?
Thank you.
Thank you, Napoleon.
No -- not as a rule.
Good evening, sir.
The weather is terrible, isn't it, sir?
Yes, it is. It must be one of the worst nights we have had this winter.
You must be chilled to the bone, standing out of doors like this.
Yes, I am, sir.
Then what brings you out on such a night?
Well, one must do something to live, you know -- and I have an elderly mother who depends on me.
Oh, I see... That must be a great burden.
One must take life as it comes -- do you live in Lyon, sir?
No, I'm only here on leave. My regiment is at Valence.
Are you staying with a friend, sir?
No... I have a... room... at the Hotel de Perrin.
Is it a nice warm room, sir?
Well, it must be a good deal warmer than it is here on the street.
Would you like to take me there, so that we can get warm, sir?
Uh-hh... yes, of course -- if you would like to go... there... but... I have very little money.
Br-rrr, these sheets are like ice.
What's your name?
Lisette.
Only Lisette?
Lisette La Croix.
That's a very nice name. Where are you from?
Please, sir, come into bed or I shall die of a chill.
I would like both of you to read this. Please read it aloud.
Naturally, one does not take much stock in such a piece of filth but, on the other hand, it is not the sort of thing one can simply ignore. What do you think, Joseph?
No...
No... nothing at all.
Not even the slightest hint of something?
No -- Captain Charles commanded the cavalry escort, and rode outside the carriage. In the evenings, he always ate at another table. They hardly ever spoke to each other.
You would tell me, Joseph, wouldn't you?
Yes, of course, I would. You know I am not one of your wife's greatest admirers, but I certainly know nothing about this.
The important thing is to find the right lawyer. One who will not protract the thing indefinitely, in the courts.
You know I am only too happy to be of help to you, but surely this isn't the ideal moment to involve yourself in such matters.
I know of no better time.
You can't be serious. It would not be good to become another husband out of a Moliere farce.
The comedy of my marriage is sufficiently well known already.
You must not act impetuously.
It is time to clarify the situation. Everything is over between us.
But you can do the same thing in six months. The next few weeks may be the most important ones in your life.
Are you sure that you are not still in love with her?
Are you trying to insult me?
Of course not, but such violence of feeling makes me wonder.
Well, you shall see.
When is she supposed to return?
I have no idea. Her maid said she left two days ago, to meet me -- I can imagine where she is. But when she finally does come home, she will find her things in the street and my door locked.
She will probably appear with a dozen excuses and you will forgive her anyway.
Will you use the troops?
Ah, my dear Madame de Montesquiou, you have no idea what happiness it brings me to see this child, at last. I was told the very idea of such a visit would too much distress the Empress.
I am delighted to be of service to you again, Your Highness. And I can tell you, my instructions came directly from the Emperor, with a caution to be discreet.
Oh... I see. I understand. How is... the Emperor?
I rarely see him, Your Highness, but I believe he is in excellent health, and he is very happy with the child.
Ah, that is good.
And, you seem in excellent health, Your Highness.
Ah, how nice to meet you, General Bonaparte. One has read so much about you lately. Please sit down.
Thank you, Madame de Beauharnais. You probably don't recall but we met briefly a few months ago, at a party at Paul's house.
Oh... yes, of course! Have you met my daughter, Hortense?
Yes, we introduced ourselves at the door.
May I offer you a drink?
Oh, I don't want to put you to any inconvenience.
Oh, it's not the slightest inconvenience, General Bonaparte. It is an honor to have you here.
You are very kind, Madame de Beauharnais. Do you have some sherry, perhaps?
I hope you will forgive me for barging in on you like this, Madame de Beauharnais. I called to bring this to your son, but I understand from your charming daughter that he is out for the afternoon.
Yes, I'm afraid he is. I believe he is riding. I know he'll be heartbroken to have missed you.
Oh... how very nice of you to bring that for Eugene... Did General de Beauharnais give it to you?
No, I'm afraid I never had the pleasure of meeting the General. This sword was taken several days ago from your son by some of my soldiers.
Were you in love with him?
I thought I was. I was confused.
And now?
Now, I know that I shall die if you leave me.
Do you expect me to believe that?
And you, are you in love with any one else?
No.
But you have had mistresses while you were away.
Of course.
Were you in love with any of them?
No.
Were they pretty?
Yes.
Were any of them prettier than I am?
One had better legs.
Were any of them married?
Yes. They were the easiest. I made love to one of them within ten minutes of our first meeting.
She must have been in love with you.
Promise me you will never leave me.
I cannot promise you that.
Promise me.
I will never forgive you.
I don't care, but promise you will never leave me.
I don't understand you.
Promise.
Promises mean nothing.
Perhaps -- but tell me you promise, anyway.
All right -- I promise.
Yes -- what is it?
Open the door. It's me.
Go away -- I'm busy.
I know what you're doing in there.
Don't be ridiculous and go away -- I'm busy working.
Where is Madame Trillaud?
How should I know. Ask Roquier -- he's cleaning her dress.
What are you doing in there?
Oh -- now, this is absolutely ridiculous! If you don't want to be humiliated in front of your guests, you will return to the table at once.
Will you be joining us, soon?
I will be there in five minutes. Go back to your guests.
Five minutes.
Yes!!
Five minutes.
Separate bedrooms?
Yes.
But you will not... be safe...
Not be safe? What on earth are you talking about?
Who is it?
I didn't mean the things that I said... I was angry and I said more than I meant to.
Oh -- I didn't tell you... I've seen Dr. Corvisart, and he was very reassuring and encouraging. He has had excellent results with the waters of Plombiers, and he thinks it would be a good idea for me to spend a few weeks there. Apparently, he sent Madame Le Floch there last year, and she gave birth to twins.
No, one cannot simply ignore it.
I believe you sent for me.
God damn it, Junot, wouldn't you think I have enough things on my mind not to waste time on a letter like this to Joseph?
There's probably some explanation.
Well, anyway, sorry to call you away from the festivities, but where is the breakdown on serviceable vehicles? I asked for it yesterday.
I gave it to Berthier... this afternoon.
Why did you give it to him?
I thought he would be seeing you before I would, and would give it to you.
Well, he didn't give it to me, and when I ask you to do something for me, return the work to me, not to Berthier.
I'm sorry, I thought he would give it to you.
I must have the breakdown now. Where is Berthier?
He's downstairs -- somewhere.
Yes... but, first, can I say something to you, as a friend?
Certainly.
I know that I shouldn't butt into things... that are really no concern of mine... but you shouldn't write a letter like that to Joseph.
Why not?
Well, maybe he's only looking out for your best interests.
What are you talking about?
Nothing. That's all I can say.
That's all you can say? What are you talking about?
That's all I can say.
Now, just a minute. You have just very clearly implied that there is a reason why Joseph should not give my wife the money which I left for her. I can't possibly allow a remark like that to go without explanation.
Look, Junot, you aren't going to leave this room until you explain yourself.
There are some things... better left unsaid.
What the hell is the matter with you?
I didn't want to hurt you... All I wanted to do was to keep from hurting you. I swear I didn't want to hurt you.
Well, whatever the hell you wanted to do, you are going to tell me everything right now. Do you understand?!
You know that... letter you showed me in Milan -- the one about Hippolyte Charles?
Yes.
I wrote it.
What?
Yes, I wrote it.
You wrote it.
I couldn't face telling you.
You couldn't face telling me what?
About Hippolyte Charles.
What was there to tell?
My God, what do you think?
Do you know what you're saying?
God help me -- yes.
How do you know?
I know.
I was in her maid's room at an inn we stopped at for the night, outside of Dijon. It was an adjoining room to Madame Bonaparte's.
You could hear them?
You mean you heard them making love?
How did you know it was Captain Charles?
I questioned the maid, and she admitted Charles had been Madame Bonaparte's lover for several months.
Can you give me a drink, please?
I wanted to kill him but Joseph convinced me it would be a mistake. He said people would say you hadn't the courage to deal with it yourself.
And was it so widely known that Joseph had reason for such concern?
Good day, monsieur. Do you think it is possible for you to tell your driver to stop ringing that bell?
My regrets, my dear Major, but I believe you have been blocking the road.
Are you trying to provoke me, monsieur?
No, Major, I merely wish to state that your vehicle appears to be somewhat slower and heavier than mine, and point out that, if you would be kind enough to pull over to one side of the road, I could pass you and be on my way.
May I inform you, monsieur, that I am Major Fidon, official courier to the court of the Emperor Napoleon, on my way to our Embassy at St. Petersburg and, in accordance with the rules of the road, no one may overtake or pass me.
Before you quote the rules of the road to me, Major, may I point out to you that you are not in France now, but that you are a guest in Russia.
If I have given you any cause to be insulted, monsieur, may I offer you immediate satisfaction?
Good evening, ladies. You must forgive me, my dearest wife, but I simply could not wait to see you.
Oh, then you are...
And, where did you see my portrait?
And, you, my dear wife, do you find that I resemble my portraits?
Do you like music?
Yes, I do -- very much.
Will I be able to play the harp? It is an instrument of which I am very fond.
Of course, my dear.
You are so good to me. Will you also allow me to have a botanical garden?
You may have anything you wish, my sweet and lovely Marie-Louise.
I am told that Fontainebleau has many lovely views. I know nothing more interesting than a lovely countryside.
I am sure you will enjoy the French countryside.
I hope you have patience with me. I do not know how to dance the quadrille but, if you desire it, I will learn.
I only desire what gives you pleasure, my dearest.
Will it be possible to have my dog, Bijou, sent here? I was not allowed to bring her and I love her so much.
Of course, my dear -- how cruel to have been separated from her. And how strange it must be for you to be here, away from your family and everything you know.
Oh, no, I am very happy. But you must have patience with me... I know nothing at all of what a wife must know. And I know nothing about men. My papa has never allowed me even to have a pet of the male gender.
Did the Emperor or Empress give you any... instructions of any kind... before you left?
Papa said only to comply with any request you might make of me.
Do you know the joke about the two Swiss boys who go to a bordello for the first time?
No.
Article 46, calls for the virtual dismemberment of Prussia, reducing her population by half and her army to a token force.
Does she deserve anything better?
Those are extremely harsh terms.
I did not ask her to go to war against me.
Has Alexander agreed to this?
Now, the section headed "Secret Clauses of the Treaty" -- Article 14b, provides for Alexander to serve as mediator between France and England and, if he fails to achieve a preliminary agreement within four months, it further provides that Russia is to go to war against England, and close her ports to English trade.
That is correct.
Do you think Alexander has any chance to succeed as a mediator?
I very seriously doubt it. I don't think there is any possibility of making peace with England so long as she sees herself safe from invasion. That is why we must increase the pressure on her economy. With Russia in the Continental Blockade, England must collapse. More than 40% of her trade is with the Continent and Russia.
England can make no move against you on the Continent without Austria. A reliable treaty with Austria would end her hopes in that regard.
We have a treaty with Austria.
Not one I should like to rely on. Francis is still smarting under the terms he had to accept after Austerlitz, and he is under great pressure to recover his losses.
My dear Talleyrand, none of the Kings of Europe bear any friendship for France. It is easy for you to talk of reliable treaties. The only treaties you have been able to negotiate are the ones I have won on the battlefield.
What I am talking about is moderation.
What you are talking about is a gamble on moderation -- when I gamble, I prefer to gamble on force.
And where do you place Alexander?
Alexander and I are friends. We have reached an understanding.
I hope that understanding is worth as much as you think it is, sire. My impression of Alexander is that he is moody and impressionable, capable of acting on sudden impulses which then lead to sudden embarrassments. He is an unpredictable mixture of idealism and vanity. You have dazzled him, and you have performed a diplomatic miracle, but Alexander is weak and he is
That is a matter of opinion.
Sire, you have only enemies in the court of St. Petersburg, and I fear outside your influence, Alexander will have another look at what he has agreed to.
Good day to our brothers-in-arms. Have you come to join us?
I am looking for Monsieur George Varlac who resides in the Rue de Frelicot. Do you know him, monsieur?
A revolution is not a polite discussion in a parlor, Citizen Lieutenant. One does not call it murder to kill such vermin.
You may save your philosophy for the magistrate, Monsieur Varlac. I am only a simple officer in the army, and to me what you have done is called murder, and his always been called murder by honest men.
Then do you propose to arrest all of us, Citizen Lieutenant? For I was not there alone.
Citizen Lieutenant, my advice is to leave this town at once with your men. We do not wish to do harm to our brothers in uniform.
I suggest that you leave with your men while you can.
What did you say his name was?
Eugene de Beauharnais.
Is he alone?
Yes, sir.
Come in.
Major Lavallette to see you, General.
Come in.
A message from Citizen Fouche.
Come in.
Citizen Bourrienne to see you, sir.
Napoleon was born at Ajaccio in Corsica on August 15th, 1769. He had not been a healthy baby and his mother, Letizia, lavished him with care and devotion. In middle age, he would write about her from St. Helena.
His moods at this time were complex and varied.
He made friends with a family called Columbier, and would later write of his first flirtation with their daughter, Caroline.
Napoleon would soon arouse the resentment of the Directory in Paris, exceeding his authority, making political decisions and treaties like a Roman Conqueror, enlarging his role to ruler of Italy. Only his tremendous success and ever increasing popularity prevented the Directory from replacing him.
On December 2, 1804, Napoleon was made Emperor of France. He would later say: "I found the crown lying in the gutter and I picked it up."
Led by the warlike Queen Louisa, and her fashion-minded husband, King Frederich Wilhelm, the Prussians still believed themselves cast in the mold of Frederick the Great, and more than a match for Napoleon. The King had a special collection of 60 splendid uniforms, and was personally involved in the design of all the Prussian army uniforms.
I know Alexander. His imagination must be struck by some great, bold, powerful stroke, and he will come back to me, just as he did at Friedland.
On January 1st, 1814, France itself was invaded. Now, with a small army of raw recruits, Napoleon would have to face the powerful combination of England, Russia, Prussia and Austria, operating against him together, for the first time. The balance of numbers had tilted irretrievably against him.
Okay, I know what I want this time.
Anything you need.
Yo' cousin, Craig. Hook us up.
That's it?
Just tell him to come over here and talk to me.
And I can go free?
Hey, Debo, heard you running from a ass- whippin'?
Naw, it ain't like that.
If you see that boy again, bite off his ear off like Mike Tyson.
Alright, I'll remember that.
Send Betty my love. Boy you looking good. I'mma take these in the house for you, man... and when you finish with this cat, come inside. I got something to show you.
Man, that girl's gonna kill me one day. Viagra ain't working. My back keep going out... she don't never get enough. But check this out. I got to lay some ground rules. Your my family and I love you. You're welcome to anything you want in my home. But I don't wanna catch you in the refrigerator or in my Suga bowl... you feel
Yeah.
Well, let me in.
Yeah, you gotta have a little money to live out here, Craig. I never thought I'd be the kinda nigga to move to the suburbs. But as soon as I got my check, I was gone. Paid 230 thousand dollars cash on this house.
You paid cash?
It's cool, but where's the water?
Don't need water. We didn't have no pool in the projects...so none of us swim.
Y'all never use it?
That's okay, Unc. I can't swim, either.
I know you smoke weed, right?
Why you say that?
Negro, what the hell you doing to my woman?
I don't know!
I don't know, I think I passed out or something. I don't remember.
No. Thought he was with you.
Me, too. You think they're in there?
That's a nice piece of heat right there.
Stretch it out.
Who are you?
We didn't come here for Day-Day.
Yes you did.
Where's that boy that told me Day-Day was here?
I don't know... I think he went out the back.
Where you going?
No I'm not.
Great moves, Day-Day.
What you mean talk to her?
You know what he mean, dude.
For sure. That's how I like 'em.
Yeah it is...the best day before the weekend.
What's the green stuff poking out?
That's cron-don, sir. My mom hates for me to smoke, so she made me bud-brownies. Wanna bite?
Naw, I already ate.
Sorry, bro, reflexes. How did you do that?
Me neither.
It's about to work, just come on.
Dude, dogs hate me. I don't know why. Me and K-9's just don't get along.
Well get along with this one. Go ahead of us. Don't get seen and don't let that mutt out of your sight.
Fuck, what's his name?
I ain't trying to rob you...
Shut up! Fo' I pump this Glock in yo' ass! What did you do wit Day-Day and Roach?
Man, Day-Day is my people!
I said shut up! Now who sent you?
Nobody!
Shut up. I been trying to tell yo' ass that... Day-Day is my cousin. They're right there in the back.
What's crackin'?
You know it's been over a year since we kicked it last? Up at the family reunion.
Yep. I forgot about him cussin' out everybody. Damn that was fun.
I know, we had a good time. But ever since you guys moved out here, it seems like we've lost touch.
Who is that?
Joker, he just got out of the pen. Li'l Joker, he just got out of Youth Authority. And Baby Joker, he just got out of Juvenile Hall.
They ever let you hit the switches on that Cadillac?
This you?
Yeah, that's me. Just a little somethin' somethin' I picked up.
Must be nice. I wish we won the lottery. Come up on a million dollars like ya'll.
Man, after taxes, lawyer fees, and paying off my daddy's bad credit, we didn't end up with a million. We bought this house and I spent the rest on this. It's the bomb, huh?
Man, this a cool house.
Go on and make yourself at home. I'mma go get dressed for work.
Oh, yeah, where you work at?
Pinky's Records and Disc in the shopping center. I'mma talk to my boss and see if he got a little position for you. 'Cause you been unemployed for a long time now, Craig.
I can't see! I can't see! Daddy!
She pepper-sprayed me, man! She pepper- sprayed me!
You straight?
Just a little.
I can't taste nothing.
What's the matter with your girlfriend?
Man, it's a long story. I met D'Wana three months ago. She had a little pudge in her stomach but I didn't pay it no attention. Come to find out, she six months pregnant. Saying I'm the daddy!
What?
Yeah, I broke up with her two Fridays ago and she's been harassing me ever since. She don't care about the restraining order or nothing.
Restraining order? Where the hell you meet this girl?
I went back to Watts to sell my old car and met her on the way. Worst day of my life.
Damn, you got a stalker.
That ain't the worst part. Her little sister, Baby D. She's the one that gets real physical. But I got a restraining order on her, too.
You got a restraining order on a little girl named Baby D?
Who is that?
That's the sister.
Yo know what? I'm starting to like Rancho Cucamonga.
I know what 'cha thinking. I thought the same thing. But it can't happen.
Why?
So.
What you mean, so?
I walked.
You walked?
You know what this is?
How can they do this?
It says we owe $3,900...by tomorrow.
$247.
What's the matter?
I ain't trying to get in it.
You better stop running from that girl.
Thanks a lot, Craig.
I know we cousins and all, but don't try an' hook me up with the big little sisters.
I didn't think you smoked bud that much.
You better open up a window or something before the smell gets out.
Blow.
It works.
This vacuum don't work. Where's the restroom?
Craig, what the hell are you doing?
What we gonna do?
Alright, Roach, see you around.
You see that?
Yeah, air.
Naw. I bet'cha it's something better than air.
How you know? It could be anything.
Man, I don't think I can do this, Craig. I got the B-G's.
What's the B-G's?
You make it sound so easy.
You go first.
Naw, you go first.
You go first.
No.
Day-Day, if you don't hop that fence I'mma throw you over.
I hope to God that dog is happy.
Wait.
What you see?
That pump was full of money. I saw where they put it. Stay right here, I'mma climb in and go get it.
Wait here? So Cheeco can bite my ass off? Tell me where it is I'll do it.
You're welcome, Unc.
You sure you don't wanna stay?
Naw, I'm got live ghetto fabulous. make sure you get that car fixed.
I will. When can I come visit?
Karla.
Craig and Karla, damn that sound pretty good together. Where you going?
To the Cucamonga shopping center.
Oh yeah, why you walking?
You want us to give you a ride?
I don't know.
Hello, remember me?
Hell yeah, I remember you.
I'm sorry for what my brother did this morning. They're assholes.
It's cool. You ain't got to apologize for your brothers. They're big boys.
Most definitely.
Huh?
What are you doing here?
I hope you don't think I'm crazy, but I just had to come in here and show you I ain't scared of yo' punk ass brothers...and you wouldn't have be scared of 'em neither if you had a man like me in yo' life.
What?? So you snuck in my room to tell me that?
You did all this for me?
Most of it. I just hate to see you in this situation.
Thanks for noticing. It used ta be peaceful before they got out. Took over the house and caused my mother's nervous breakdown.
Why didn't she put'em out?
Easier said than done. We saved up to get away from them, but they followed us.
I did. Is that door locked?
It's locked.
I got my cousin Day-Day waiting for me.
Next time, page me first.
You alright?
Delivery!
Delivery!
I said hold on!
Can I help you?
Nice house. Didn't expect you to answer. You must be one of those entertainers. What team you play for?
I don't play for no team.
Come on, jerky, you can tell me. Got a white wife, huh? Blonde bombshell type. Remember what happen to O.J... what team do you play for? You're not related to the Jacksons, are you?
Naw, I play for the Chocamunga Cracker Killers. You want tickets?
What is it?
I'll be out in about 35-40 minutes!
Here I come!
What's the matter?
That nigga worst than them damn pit bulldogs or something! That's why moving wit'cha Uncle Elroy and Cousin Day-Day is the best thing for you right now.
Ya'll making me look like a punk.
Must be your upper lip, 'cause I don't smell nothing.
I do.
What it smell like?
I gotta get'em fixed. They don't roll down.
All damn.
Nice neighborhood, huh?
It's alright.
18-years of chasing dogs; and my lazy ass brother hits the lotto his first time playing. I still can't figure that one out.
You coming in?
No, I'mma go on to work. I don't wanna hear Elroy's mouth. Now listen to me, Craig. It's gonna be different living over here. Don't let your uncle and your cousin get you into no shit. Understand?
Craig, remember what I told you.
Hold up, Elroy, that's my boy. Craig, what the hell wrong with you? Where you been?
You see that?
Two bullets? Yo' ass ain't changed. Back in the day, all I had was a stick.
Nigga, you got knock the fuck out.
You too.
Smokin' what?
My name is Miss Ho Kym. Day-Day just trying to be a smart ass. Nice to meet you, Craig. Are you 'bout it, 'bout it?
Excuse me?
Yeah, I'm 'bout it.
What kind of activity?
See you later, Day-Day. Come by after work, I got the John Blaze shit for you.
Nice to meet you?
Why for? Them boys are real player haters.
I can't get jiggy with this shit. Where is the damn manager?
No, give me my damn money back. Right now, and I don't have no damn receipt neither.
Okay, sir...but where's the cover?
I can't give you your damn money back on this.
Bullshit! I'll go postal in this mothafucka!
Look, Roach, I know you ain't never worked in a record shop before and you're a little excited. But if Pinky catches you doing that X-Games shit off his counter top, we both getting fired. You feel me?
Did you see that? That was a W.W.F. hit right there, huh, Day-Day?
Craig, this Roach. Roach, this is my cousin, Craig.
What it say?
What is it?
That the big one, huh?
What was that?
Are they still out there?
Today ain't my day.
I do.
Damn nigga, don't Jack the joint. I didn't even pass it.
Roach, what are you doing?
I gotta think of a plan to get this money before tomorrow.
I don't know. I hope Craig got a good idea. We gotta ask him when he comes out. Let's go and clean up before Pinky gets here.
Maybe you can ask him to loan you the money.
Yoooo, that's it. You ain't as dumb as I think you are, Roach.
Who the fuck is that, Day-Day?
Let it go, Roach, trust me.
I'm not letting nothing go. They killed my board.
I say we go over there and kick their asses. I can take the little one.
Try an' hold it, man. Squeeze your ass cheeks together.
Roach...Roach, come on.
Where's Craig?
He's inside the house?
Why did he go in the house?
You wanna knock?
'Scuse me, partner, but that's a ghetto knock.
Look, man, this is a big misunderstanding. All we wanted to do is borrow some sugar.
And some rolling papers.
Hey.
What?! What that mean?
Money? Man, we came over here from some sugar and rolling papers. We was going to get high, and I was going to show this white boy how to make Kool-Aid. That's all.
Get 'em, Craig!
Finally you got a bitch, huh, Roach?
Hey, guys, I'm outta here.
Thanks for the help.
Hey, man, the pleasure's all mine. Thanks for the dog, and the money. Maybe my dad won't kick my ass tonight.
Call me.
Wet your eyes, boy. Stay in there for about 20 minutes.
20 minutes?
Ah damn. Damn.
I got fired too.
When my back gets better I'mma beat the black off you, Day-Day.
I know. I'm sorry.
Where's Craig?
What the fuck you looking at?
Uh...um...I mean uh, can we borrow a cup of sugar?
What?! This look like a 7-11 or something? Get the fuck outta here!
Shut up! Both of you right now!
Shhhh! Roach, shut the fuck up.
Why would he take it? He don't even know you.
Tape his mouth shut.
Where did Craig move to?
What you say?
He moved out to Rancho Cucamonga with his cousin Day-Day.
Rancho Cucamonga?
Get on.
Man, we can't ride to Rancho Cucamonga on that.
Here's the plan. You gonna call over there and say you have a very urgent message for Mr. William Jones.
What urgent message?
If you shut up I'll tell you. The urgent message is...Drop everything! Craig is in trouble. Come quick, don't call.
Just do it.
William.
You too big.
Debo! Debo!
What?
I can't feel my legs no more.
Me neither. How far is Rancho Cucamonga?
Ezal! Ezal!
Huh?
We must be here 'cause we stopped.
Hey, how you get out of here.
I thought you were taking me to see Mama?
I'll take you later.
When? After you get all drunk and loaded?
Hey, what's going on?
Nothing. What you want?
Are you going to take me to see Mom?
Take your car.
'Take your car?'
Make sure you look after my son out here. Don't get him involved with none of your bullshit, Roy.
I got your message. Where's Craig?
I don't know, I didn't leave you no damn message!
You didn't call the Sandwich Joint with a urgent message?
Hell naw, Willie. Them fleas and tics must be sucking on yo' brain!
Somebody left me a message. Well where's Craig and Day-Day?
You come way out here to get into more trouble. You could've stayed at home.
Willie, shut up. Yo' old ass need to get in a little bit o' trouble sometimes.
What about that ugly dog?
Need to lose some weight.
Damn, big bro. You swung that like Sammy Sosa.
My back.
What's the matter?
Well, we better hit the road, too. Craig, get your stuff.
Craig, I want you to meet my old lady, Suga. Suga, this is Craig.
Okay, okay, that's enough. Go put on some damn clothes.
Elroy.
Suga. Go ahead and get us something to smoke on.
Huh?
What you doing to my nephew?
Mr. Nasty time?
Mr. Nasty time. But take it easy on me, girl.
Elroy, what happen?
I threw my back, again.
Aw, no lovin' tonight?
Naw, baby, no lovin' tonight.
Come on, baby, let's go in the house.
Lousy. And I have siesta hair. I'm thinking of canceling the speech.
During a campaign every speech is important. This is free media exposure. Primetime news coverage that we couldn't buy.
What's he doing here?
Don't remind me.
What happened here?
Truth is, besides the headache I've come down with a little lower intestinal havoc. Make my apologies.
All right, I'll do it.
That's my girl.
Aw, gee. I sent her on an errand.
You sent my assistant on an errand.
Where to, sir?
Amtrack?
What?
You just come in on Amtrack?
Uh, yes..
Business or pleasure?
Where'd you come from?
San Diego.
Oh, San Diego? I've thought about moving to San Diego. It's hard to make a living in this town. These short hops. Can't make a dime on 'em. To LAX, Pasadena, then I can make a buck. These little hops cost me money.
Sorry.
'S okay. What do you think?
Huh?
Better in San Diego? More opportunity there? What?
I really don't know. I don't live there. I was just visiting...a grave.
Somebody close?
What?
Look...I've... I've got a problem. A big problem...
I need your help.
What can I do for you Mr....Watson?
You were saying? Your daughter....?
I...
She ..ahh...wanted me to... be sure to get your autograph.
Mrs. Grant, Governor...I won't hurt you.
My security people are right next door.
I appreciate that.
One loud scream will bring them in here instantly. You won't get very far. Think it over.
If I were here to hurt you I would have done it already.
That's...a comfort to hear.
I have a problem.
Ah.
I remember you...in the elevator.
That's right.
You were very nervous.
How do you know that?
You shot her?
No.
Who did?
I don't know. The only thing I know about him is that he works for your husband.
What?
And your husband works for somebody else.
I knew you wouldn't believe me.
There's only one way to find out for sure. Try to cancel the last speech.
I'd prefer we didn't refer to it as my last speech.
It's the last chance they have for me to kill you. Try to get out of it. They won't let you. They can't. Try to change the schedule and you'll know I'm right. What have you got to lose? It comes down to who you trust, them or me? Test them.
This? I've never even fired one.
I...1 would like to...thank you, Mister Wat... Gene.
I would also like to apologize.
For what?
For not believing you.
Can we go now?
Of course. I'll get a car to drive you.
Good luck.
Could I see some identification, sir?
Is this about those kids? Look, I'm sorry about that. But they darn near...
You're from Santa Maria, Mr. Watson?
Come with us, sir.
Hey! I'll take the girl. I'll take the girl!
Daddy?
Pay attention, Mr. Watson. Pay attention and your daughter won't be hurt.
Yes, yes, I understand.
This is for you. In it there is a picture of a woman and an itinerary. It is her itinerary. She is presently - are you listening, Mr. Watson?
Yes, I'm listening.
You're out of your mind.
What's your point?
I will do no such thing.
Look at your watch. Look at it! At one-thirty your little girl is dead. Say it with me. At one-thirty my little girl is dead. Say it. Say it!
At one thirty my little girl is dead.
This says "invitation only".
This'11 get you in anywhere. Red Elevator. Thirty-fifth floor.
Where did you get these? Who are you?
Are you 'fucking with me!?
The gun...
What about the gun?
It wasn't loaded. I didn't put the bullets in it.
You get another chance in ten minutes.
What would you do in my place?
What...?
Tell me why I miss him.
He's dead?
That's right. He's dead. Tell me why.
How should I...?
You killed him.
I killed you.
I'm not stupid.. I know how this is supposed, to work.
Do you now, Mr. Watson?
I kill her - and you kill me.
Keep your voice down.
How am I supposed to get away?
Come back.
Again.
One thirty. California Ballroom.
...twenty-six minutes to get your shit together.
Let me talk to her again.
No.
I want'to talk to her.
I talk to her or you can forget about it.
Don't you threaten me.
What are you going to do about it, shoot me?
You know what I'm gonna do.
Is that something precious?
My wife always said I had a problem trusting people.
Well, you can trust Eleanor Samara Grant.
Yes, you're right, I don't understand.
All right, let's just...let's get security in on this.
No! You can't! They're in on it.
I don't know.
You've got to trust me. I'm putting my daughter's life in your hands. She's only six. She's just a little girl. Please, please, trust me.
The man following me has a walkie- talkie. If he sees I'm not here he'll call his partner. I do anything out of line and he'll send the word to kill my daughter.
Are you sure?
I've heard this speech a lot. Come on. We'll take care of him. We will.
But...
Trust me. You asked me for help. Let me help. Trust me.
I think you better put that away.
Who is this? Are you sure we can trust him?
We have to hurry.
I'm serious, honey. Don't get out of my sight, all right? I want you to stay right by me. Will you do that for me?
Nods solemnly. GENE reaches the platform and gives out an exaggerated sigh.
Haven't you ever seen anybody kiss like that?
On TV.
So, come on. You never saw us kiss like that?
No way.
Ready?
Nods.
Now, see, this is why you should always wear a helmet and knee pads. You never know when you're going to fall down and go boom. Right?
Lynn!
I can hear you good. Can you hear me?
He has to say "over and out". Daddy, you have to say "over and out".
Yes, sweetie, it's me.
I'm tired. I want to.go now.
Can we go now?
Not just yet, baby. There's...there's something Daddy has to do.
No, honey, not to be a hero. But I want you to remember something for me, all right?
All right.
Will you promise me that?
I promise.
All right. Kisses to you.
No...kisses to you.
No. Kisses to you.
What do you do, if I may be so bold?
I'm just an accountant.
I have to do something.
What's that? You have to speak up. I'm a little deaf in this ear. Between that and my wooden leg I'm a mess. Compliments of the United States Army Artillery Corps.
I said I have to do something.
I'll have you out of here in two shakes o'f a lamb's tail.
You got anything smaller?
Keep it.
It's a twenty.
Can I get out to Flower Street from here?
You remember me?
I remember. The big tipper.
Something is going to happen. When it's over you'll know what I was talking about.
Oh, man...
Please. Something is going to happen...
What? The end of the world? Man, don't give me your mad rap. I'm not a bartender. I don't want to hear it. I raise a family doing this bullshit. Do me a favor. Get your crazy white ass out of my chair.
Please...
Mister, what are you dragging me into?
I'm not dragging you into anything. I don't expect...
Cover your mouth.
What?
This gorilla's watching you, is that right?
That's right.
My daughter. They have her in a van across the street. They say they'll kill her if I don't do something for them.
In twenty-five minutes in the California Ballroom.
There was a woman. She was trying to help me. I watched him murder her.
What are you supposed to do?
I knew I should have packed up and gone home as soon as I got that twenty. What am I supposed to do about this situation?
One of them is in on it. He might even be in charge. Her Security is in on it. There's only one person I know for sure isn't in on it.
Who?
The Governor. If I could just talk to her...
Oh, Jesus ...
Then why'd you drag me into it?
It's about time I did. I was one of those guys, workaholics. I worked my ass off for them - my wife, my daughter. That's just what I thought I was supposed to do.
Yeah, all right, listen...
Why don't you tell me about the early years some other time?
I'm sorry. You understand I don't mind dying if I could save my daughter. I mean that.
Yeah, now listen. I can't mess with these shoes any more or it's gonna look funny. You go down get yourself something to drink. Make sure Godzilla there, follows you.
Keep the change.
Meet Irene.
Hi.
Irene is going to help.
You said there was only one person you knew wasn't in on this thing.
Yeah.
You're going to go see her.
What am I supposed to say to her?
Well?
I don't know.
What are you going to do!?
Thanks for the shine.
Just giving you the gift of a clean windshield. Only cost you a dollar.
I don't want my windshield cleaned.
You just think you don't want your windshield cleaned.
No, I know I don't want it cleaned. Get out of here.
For the last time, I don't want it cleaned. Now get the hell out of here!
It's already done. I've already done it. You have to pay me now.
I don't have to pay you nothin'.
You're going to deny me a lousy dollar after I've sweated like a pig giving you the gift of a clean windsheild?
Fuckin' A.
Hey!
Oh, we'll have to do better than that.
Goddamnit, you fuckin' bum, come here!
Gimme a dollar.
He brought a gun onto the pool deck.
What?
He got onto the pool deck with a gun. How did he get past her Security carrying a
Well, is it real? Do we know anything about it?
It looks real. I don't know anything about guns.
You stole that.
Hey, would you look at this crazy car? Everybody has their own radio. What do you think of that?
Everybody does?
This is what they call the jack. Hi, Jack!
Laughs.
He's going to help the police. Your daddy is going to be a hero.
That's pretty good.
I've done much better ones than this.
You have, huh?
Oh, yes. I'll show you. I have much more colors at home.
Where are we going?
I'm not a baby.
You're a big girl, huh?
Close your eyes.
Why?
I've got something for you.
A surprise?
You got this under control?
Yeah.
It's under control.
Somebody mind telling me... ) What the hell happened!?
Where is he? Did you lose him?
Get moving.
You' oughta learn to relax. I told you I've got it under control.
That one.
Skate-boarders I don't mind, even though they dress like fuckin' idiots, but when I see some pin-head on rollerblades, I get the definite urge to grease the grill of my car with 'em.
Keep your eyes peeled.
I'm looking for them.
Where?
Look at 'em. He'd do anything for her.-
Foreigners! Fuck!
You don't want to cause a ruckus, with the little girl and all.
And what happens if I don't call you?
God can't help her, Mr. Watson. Only you can help her.
Only you.
You talk to a cop, you even look at a cop too long and your daughter is dead. Do it.
That's enough.
Yeah.
Come Back.
Yeah.
Put her on.
What gives?
Any trouble?
No.
He was a cool one, that Harper. Never broke.
He never told about the money.
No.
What do you figure he done with it?
Ben, I'm a Man of God.
Tryin' to make me talk about it in my sleep!
No, Ben.
What'd I say? What? What? What? What?
You was quotin' Scripture. You said -- you said, "And a little child shall lead them."
You killed two men, Ben Harper.
That's right, Preacher. I robbed that bank because I got tired of seein' children roamin' the woodlands without food, children roamin' the highways in this year of Depression; children sleepin' in old abandoned car bodies on junk-heaps; and I promised myself I'd never see the day when my youngins'd want.
With that ten thousand dollars I could build a Tabernacle that'd make the Wheeling Island Tabernacle look like a chicken-house!
Think of it, Ben! With that cursed, bloodied gold!
How come you got that stickknife hid in your bed-blankets, Preacher?
I come not with Peace but with a Sword.
That Sword has served me through many an evil time, Ben Harper.
What religion do you profess, Preacher?
The religion the Almighty and me worked out betwixt us.
I'll bet.
Salvation is a last-minute business, boy.
Keep talkin', Preacher.
If you was to let that money serve the Lord's purposes, He might feel kindly turned towards you.
Where's your Mom?
Out shopping -- you're bleeding, Dad --
Here they come.
Listen to me son. You got to swear. Swear means promise. First swear you'll take care of little Pearl. Guard her with your life, boy. Then swear you won't never tell where that money's hid. Not even your Mom.
Yes, Dad.
You understand?
You got common sense. She ain't. When you grow up that money'll be yours. Now swear. "I will guard Pearl with my life..."
I will guard Pearl with my life...
..."and I won't never tell about the money."
She don't put in at Cresap's Landing no more, but she still blows as she passes. Come on in and have a cup of coffee.
Ain't nobody stole Dad's skiff.
Ain't seen you in a coon's age, Johnny.
I been mindin' Pearl.
'Twas down at Cresap's Landing, Along the River Shore, Birdie Steptoe was a Pilot in the good old days of yore. Now he sets in his old wharf-boat...
When'll Dad's skiff be ready?
Can't hear ye, boy. ...So the big boats heave a sigh, They blow for Uncle Birdie...
When'll the skiff be ready?
O, she's all right.
How's your sister Pearl?
Leavin', boy?
Yep; gotta watch out for Pearl, Uncle Birdie.
Here's your can o' hooks, Uncle Birdie.
Won't he bust it, Uncle Birdie?
Do you mind me cussin', boy?
No.
Can we eat him, Uncle Birdie?
Uncle Birdie!
Don't!
Here's what you owe me. One, two, three, four, five... where's the other basket? Where's Ruby?
She went.
I'll light the lamp.
And when little King Jesus' Ma and Pa heard about that plan, what do you reckon they went and done?
Where's Ruby?
AAA-MENN!
You have all sinned!
Yes! Yes!
And the Lord told that man --
Yes! Yes!
The Lord said, Take that money and throw it in the River!
Yes! Yes! Hallelujah!
Throw that money in the River! In THE RIVER!
See ye got two more peeps to your brood.
Yeah, and ornerier than the rest.
How's your own boy, Miz Cooper?
Ain't heard from Ralph since last Christmas. Don't matter -- I've got a new crop. I'm a strong tree with branches for many birds. I'm good for something in this old world and I know it, too! We know that she will rout the Devil.
Got a good buy in soap, Miz Cooper.
It's a mighty good man would come out of his way to bring a word of cheer to a grieving widow!
Plan on a longer visit next time.
Icey, I'm worried about Willa.
How do you mean?
I'm figurin' how I can say it so's you won't get mad.
Say what, Walt Spoon!
There's somethin' wrong about it, Mother.
About what!
About Mr. Powell. All of it!
Walt!
Now, Mother, a body can't help their feelin's.
May the Lord have mercy on you, Walt Spoon!
What's wrong, Mother?
Who?
Mr. Powell! Willa has run away!
Just went?
Is he hit pretty bad?
There's a little peach brandy -- maybe a sip?
What can we do, Mother?
Dear Walt and Icey: I bet you been worried and gave us up for lost. Took the kids down here with me for a visit to my sister Elsie's farm. Thot a little change of scenery would do us all a world of good after so much trubble and heartache. At least the kids will git a plenty of good home cooking. Your devoted
Now ain't you relieved, Walt?
Sure, but you was worried too, Mother; takin' off with never a word of goodbye. I even got to figurin' them gypsies busted in and done off with all three of 'em.
You and your gypsies! They been gone a week!
Lynch him! Lynch him!
Bluebeard!
Twenty-five wives!
Draggin' the name of the Lord through the evil mud of his soul!
He lied!
Tricked us!
He taken the Lord's name in vain and he trampled on His Holy Book!
String that Bluebeard up to a pole!
Willa Harper there is certain plain facts of life that adds up just like two plus two makes four and one of them is this: No woman is good enough to raise growin' youngsters alone! The Lord meant that job for two!
Icey, I don't want a husband.
That feller's just achin' to settle down with some nice woman and make a home for himself.
It's awful soon after Ben's passing.
If ever I saw a Sign from Heaven!
John don't like him much.
Pearl dotes on him.
The boy worries me. It's silly, but it's like there was something still between him and his Dad.
What he needs is a dose o' salts!
There's something else.
What?
The money, Icey.
I declare, you'll let that money haunt you to your grave, Willa Harper!
I would love to be satisfied Harry Powell don't think I've got that money somewhere.
You go set down by the River.
Oh, Icey, I'm a sight!
That boy's as stubborn and mulish as a sheep!
I must wend my way down River on the Lord's work.
My, that fudge smells yummy!
Amen! Amen!
My dear, dear friends! Whatever would I do without you!
What could have possessed that girl!
Satan.
I burned it. I tore it up and burned it -- it stank so strong of hellfire.
Amen.
Ain't no sense in it, neither. I figured somethin' like this was brewin' when she went to bed last night.
How?
She tarried around the kitchen after I'd gone up, and when I went downstairs to see what was wrong...
What!
I tried to save her.
I know you did, Reverend. Oh, I know how you tried!
Just look at you! Dust and filth from top to toe!
Want me to take 'em up and wash 'em good?
Stand still, Miss Jenny!
You, Pearl. You swear too.
Who's them Blue Men yonder?
Hing, hang, hung.
You better not sing that song.
Why?
Tell me a story, John.
Once upon a time there was a rich king... ...and he had him a son and a daughter and they all lived in a castle over in Africa. Well, one day this King got taken away by bad men and before he got took off he told his son to kill anyone that tried to steal their gold, and before long these bad men
Just a man. Goodnight Pearl, sleep tight; and don't let the bedbugs bite.
John...
Now can I tell?
Hm?
You swore, Pearl!
John! Don't!
You'll get awful mad, John. I done a Sin!
Pearl! You ain't --
It's all here.
Where's Mom?
She's gone to Moundsville.
To see Dad?
Someone is after us, Pearl.
I want to go upstairs. It's cold and spidery down here. I'm hungry.
Now listen to me, Pearl. You and me is runnin' off tonight.
Why?
If we stay here somethin' awful will happen to us.
Won't Daddy Powell take care of us?
Where are we goin', John?
I'm hungry, John.
We'll steal somethin' to eat.
John?
Please be quiet -- Oh please, Pearl!
John, where are we g --
Get in the skiff, Pearl, goodness, goodness, hurry!
Are we goin' home, John?
Don't you hurt her!
I'm butcherin' my hog myself, smokin' the hams, and cannin' the sausage. You-all have your work cut out!
John, where's your folks?
Dead.
Where ye from?
Up river.
Story, honey? Why, what story?
About them Kings. That the Queen found down on the sandbar in the skiff that time.
Kings! Why, honey, there was only one.
I mind you said there was two.
John, when your Dad says 'come', you should mind him.
I'll see to Pearl.
This watch is the nicest watch I ever had.
Why, he told me what fine little lambs you and your sister both was.
Did you hear what I said, son?
Huh?
Married! We have decided to go to Sistersville tomorrow, and when we come back --
You ain't my Dad! You won't never be my Dad!
-- and when we come back, we'll all be friends -- and share our fortunes together, John!
Tell me what, boy?
Nothin'!
Are we keeping secrets from each other, little lad?
What are you doing, boy?
Getting Pearl to bed. I --
What's taking you so long about it?
It -- she --
What's that you're playing with, boy?
Pearl's junk. Mom gets mad when she plays out here and don't clean up afterward.
Your mother says you tattled on me, boy. She says you told her that I asked you where that money was hid.
Yes. Yes.
She thinks that money's in the river, but you and me, we know better, don't we, boy?
I don't know nothin'!
Now! Where's it hid, honey?
I'll tell.
I thought I told you to keep your mouth shut --
All right boy: where's the money?
All right... Come along.
What?
You don't reckon I'd leave you.
Don't you believe me?
Now where, boy? Mind; no tricks. I can't abide liars.
Now: Where?
Pearl, shut up! Pearl, you swore!
Nothin'.
John's a feller who likes to keep secrets.
Mm-hm.
I'll tell you a secret.
Yes?
I knowed your Daddy. And do you know what your Daddy said to me? He said, "Tell my little girl Pearl there's to be no secrets between her and you."
Yes?
Now it's your turn.
What secret shall I tell?
How old are you?
Sure, that's no secret.
What's your name?
You're just foolin'! My name's Pearl.
You see? We can't have anything to do with John. You and me will go down to the parlor.
Yes; John's bad.
O no! Your turn!
All right.
John's bad.
I'm hungry.
Why, sure. And there's fried chicken and candied sweets and cornsticks and apple cobbler!
Can I have my supper please?
Naturally.
Can I have milk too?
About our secrets.
No.
Why, pray tell?
Just tell me now; where's the money hid?
But I swore. I promised John I wouldn't tell.
You're Ruby, ain't you, my child?
Can I have this?
Surely. I'd like to talk to you, my dear.
Will you buy me a choclit sody?
Why, you're the purtiest girl I've seen in all my wandering. Didn't nobody never tell you that, Ruby?
No. No one never did.
What's their names?
Pearl and John.
Ahhh. And is there -- a doll?
Only she won't never let me play with it.
Mister Powell?
Is there anythin' -- anythin'...?
Didn't you have no inkling?
Yes; from the first night.
The first night?
Our honeymoon.
How's that?
What do you figure to do?
That's mighty brave of you, Reverend.
I reckon it's been ordained this way, Brother Spoon.
Didn't -- didn't she leave no word?
She'll come draggin' her tail back home.
She'll not be back. I reckon I'd be safe in promisin' you that.
John: take that look offen your face and act nice.
John, Mr. Powell has got something to tell you.
Harry!
I was praying.
You thought, Willa, that the moment you walked in that door I'd start in to pawing you in the abominable way men are supposed to do on their wedding night. Ain't that right, now?
No, Harry! I thought --
Get up, Willa.
Harry, what --
Do you want more children, Willa?
I -- no, I --
It's the business of our marriage to mind those two you have now -- not to beget more.
Are you through praying?
You were listening outside the parlor window.
It's not in the river, is it Harry?
Answer me!
Mornin', ladies.
You're Miz Cooper, I take it.
Shall I tell ye the little story of Right-Hand-Left-Hand -- the tale of Good and Evil?
It was with this left hand that old brother Cain struck the blow that laid his brother low --
Them kids is yours?
My flesh and blood!
She run off with a drummer one night. Durin' prayer-meetin'.
Where's she at?
Somewheres down river! Parkersburg, mebbe! -- Cincinnati! -- One of them Sodoms on the Ohio River.
She took them kids with her?
Heaven only knows what unholy sights and sounds those innocent little babes has heard in the dens of perdition where she dragged them!
Gracious, gracious! You are a good woman, Miz Cooper!
How you figgerin' to raise them two without a woman?
The Lord is merciful! What a day is this! -- And there's little John!
What's wrong, John?
What do you want?
Them kids!
What are you after them for?
None of your business, Madam.
Pearl and John!
I been bad!
Ruby, you didn't have no money to buy this.
You'll whip me!
When did I ever?
This man down at the Drugstore...
The Drugstore?
Miz Cooper. I never went to sewin' lessons all them times.
What you been up to?
This gentleman warn't like them! He just give me a sody and the book.
Now who was this?
He never asked me for nothin'.
What'd you all talk about?
Pearl and John.
Miz Cooper!
What?
Nancy have any severe childhood illnesses? Scarlet Fever? High temperatures -- concussions?
Nightmares are expected after psychological trauma. Don't worry, they go away.
They're just simple tests, Nan. We'll both be right here.
Look, I know it's been frightening, I know your dreams have seemed real. But... it's okay. Okay?
How long's this been going on?
Since the murder. She was fine before that.
Not to worry. No signs of pathology in Nancy's EEG or pulse rate. I'd guess what we've got is a normal young girl who just happens to have gone through two days of hell.
Okay, good. She's asleep.
What the hell are dreams, anyway?
What happened? That needle sank like a rock.
How can you tell?
Oh my god, oh my god...
Worked like a charm.
It's just a stupid cat.
So we'll guard her together. Through the night. In each others' arms like we always said.
Why's she so bothered by a stupid nightmare, anyway?
Because he was scary, that's why.
What the hell's going on!?
You okay?
Sometimes I wish you didn't live right across the street.
Guess I did.
Haven't slept, have you?
M'god, I look twenty years old. You have any weird dreams last night?
Slept like a rock.
Well at least I have an objective wall to bounce this off. You believe it's possible to dream about what's going to happen?
No.
You believe in the Boogey Man?
One two, Freddie's coming for you? No. Rod killed Tina. He's a fruitcake and you know it.
You believe in anything?
Listen, I got a crazy favor to ask.
Uh-oh...
Okay?
Jesus, it's dark in here.
Yeah. So?
Whenever I get nervous I eat.
And if you can't do that, you sleep.
You ever read about the Balinese way of dreaming?
No.
They got a whole system they call 'dream skills'. So, if you have a nightmare, for instance like falling, right?
Yeah.
And what if they meet a monster in their dream? Then what?
They turn their back on it. Takes away its energy, and it disappears.
What happens if they don't do that?
I guess those people don't wake up to tell what happens.
'Booby Traps and Improvised Antipersonnel Devices'!
I found it at this neat survivalist bookstore on Ventura.
Hello?
Hi.
Much better.
I heard your ma went ape at the security store today. You look like the Prisoner of Zenda or something. How long's it been since you slept?
Coming up on the seventh day. It's okay, I checked Guiness. The record's eleven, and I'll beat that if I have to. Listen, I... I know who he is.
Who?
The killer.
You do?
Me!? Why would anyone want to kill me?!
Bring him out of what?
My dream.
How you plan to do that?
Just like I did the hat. Have a hold of the sucker when you wake me up.
Me? Wait a minute, you can't bring someone out of a dream!
If I can't, then you all can relax, because it'll just be a simple case of me being nuts.
I can save you the trouble. You're nutty as a fruitcake. I love you anyway.
Good, then you won't mind cold-cocking this guy when I bring him out.
What!?
You heard me. I grab him in the dream -- you see me struggling so you wake me up. We both come out, you cold cock the fucker, and we got him. Clever, huh?
You crazy? Hit him with what?
You're a jock. You must have a baseball bat or something. Come to my window at midnight. And meanwhile...
Meanwhile...?
How you doing, pal?
Rod's not a lunatic.
She dreamed this would happen...
What?
You used me, daddy!
Decide to take a day off after all?
Only family allowed, Nancy. You know the drill.
Just want to talk to him a second.
He's dangerous.
You don't know he did it.
Dad -- what you doing here?
Hello Nancy.
Hi daddy. I know what happened.
Then you know more than I do -- I haven't even been upstairs.
I've got a proposition for you. Listen very carefully, please.
Nan, I --
Please. I'm gonna go get the guy who did it and bring him to you. I just need you be right there to arrest him. Okay?
Just tell me who did it and I'll go get him, baby.
-- I want you to come over here and break the door down exactly twenty minutes from now -- can you do that?
Sure, but...
That'll be exactly half past midnight. Time for me to fall asleep and find him.
Sure, sure, honey. You just do that -- get yourself some sleep -- that's what I've been saying all along.
Sure, okay, I'll be there. Now you just turn in and get some rest, sweetheart. Please. Deal?
DAD! GET US OUTTA HERE!
Lieutenant Thompson. Sorry to wake you, but --
What's the Coroner got to say?
Looks like her boyfriend did it. Rod Lane. Musician type, arrests for brawling, dope --
Terrific. What the hell was she doing there?
She lived there.
Tell her I'm not here, tell her...
Get outside and watch her house. If you see anything funny call me.
Who? Who did that?
Krueger.
Had to've done it. No one else was in there.
How you know that?
Maybe god's punishing us all...
Keep your head -- this is a fucking flesh and blood killer we're talking about.
Apparently he was crazy jealous. Nancy said they'd had a fight, Rod and Tina.
It wasn't that serious...
Where you think you're going?
School.
Did you sleep?
Right home after.
Nancy, don't fall asleep in there.
I won't.
Get into bed.
What?
You're not falling asleep, are you? You could drown, you know.
Mother, for petesakes.
It happens all the time. I've got some warm milk all ready for you. Why don't you jump into bed? I'm gonna turn on your electric blanket, too. C'mon, now.
You okay?
Great
No television, forget the homework, no phone calls.
No, Mother. Yes, Mother. No, Mother.
And no school tomorrow, either. You take a little vacation, relax and rest for a change.
Take this, it'll help you sleep.
I must be going nuts...
You okay?
Yeah. Just had a little dream. I'm falling right back to sleep.
Okay... You need anything, just call.
Go even crazier?
I don't think you're going crazy -- and stop drinking that damn coffee!
Did you ask Daddy to have the hat examined?
What I learned at the dream clinic, that's what I'm trying to prove. Rod didn't kill Tina, and he didn't hang himself. It's this guy -- he's after us in our dreams.
It's real, Mamma. Feel it.
Screw sleep!
What's with the bars?
Mom, I want to know what you know about Fred Krueger.
Dead and gone.
Your father the cop. That's a good one. Forget Fred Krueger. You don't want to know, believe me.
Oh lawyers got fat and the judge got famous, but someone forgot to sign the search warrant in the right place, and Fred Krueger was free, just like that.
Bunch of us parents tracked him down after they let him go. Found him in an old boiler room, just like before. Saw him lying there in that caked red and yellow sweater he always wore, drunk an' asleep with his weird knives by his side...
All these years you've kept those things buried down here? In our own house?
Give me the key, mother.
Guess I should'n'a done it.
Just sleep now, Mom.
Feeling better?
We got her mother's bed. You two got the rest.
Your old man thinks I did it, don't he?
He doesn't know you. Couldn't you change?
The cops were all over my house. They'll kill me for sure.
I never touched her.
Someone else was there.
And then what happened?
How could somebody get under the covers with you guys without you knowing it?
No.
Well then how can you say somebody else was there?
What you mean 'all at once'?
Do you think I did it?
Rod says the sweetest things.
He's nuts about you.
Anyway, I'm too tired to worry about the creep. Couldn't get back to sleep at all. So what you dream?
I can't believe his mother let him come over here.
Nice to have a fire.
Maybe we should call Rod, have him come over too. He might get jealous.
What you dream?
What the hell you doing here?
Came to make up, no big deal. Your ma home?
You feel better now, right?
Jungle man fix Jane.
No more fights?
No more fights.
When did you have a nightmare?
Thank you, Comrade.
Well, here are fifty francs.
Thank you, Comrade, thank you.
Bring me forty-five back.
What is it, Ninotchka?
From Leon.
Good evening, Anna.
Good evening, Ninotchka.
Aren't you late?
They didn't let me. I am in disgrace. Last week at the performance of Carmen I played a sour note. The conductor got so excited he yelled, "There's sabotage in the string section!"
Too bad... you missed an inspiring day, Anna.
I know... my heart is sad... but my feet are happy. When all the tanks and guns were roaring over the Red Square I sat here all by myself and played a Beethoven sonata. Not bad at all. Are you expecting someone?
A few friends... just a little dinner party.
What are you serving?
An omelet.
An omelet! Aren't you living a little above your ration?
Well, I've saved up two eggs and each of my friends is bringing his own so we'll manage.
I'll tell you later. That Gurganov, you never know whether he's on his way to the washroom or the Secret Police.
You should be more careful, Anna.
And you too, Ninotchka.
About what?
Ever since you have been back from Paris...
I haven't talked to anyone about Paris. I haven't said a word.
That's just it. It makes people feel queer. I dont' want you to get in any trouble.
I have nothing to hide.
When I passed through the laundry yard today I saw all the women huddled around this so I brought it up here. Things like this create a bad feeling. First they didn't know whose it was. Then they saw the Paris label and did it start a commotion! Some said it's what we all ought to wear and others said it's like hanging foreign
I see.
You know how it is today... all you have to do is wear a pair of silk stockings and they suspect you of counter-revolution.
Thank you, Anna. I'll dry it up here when I wash it next. I should hate to see our country endangered by my underwear.
No, I left everything in Paris. I just happened to be wearing this.
Tell me... what else did you have?
Well, a hat...
What was it like?
It was very silly.... I would be ashamed to wear it here.
As beautiful as that? What else? Come, tell me.
An evening gown.
Evening gown?
A dress you wear in the evening.
What do you wear in the morning?
When you get up you put on a negligee, and then you change to a morning frock.
You mean to tell me you wear a different dress for different times of the day?
Yes.
Now, Ninotchka, you're exaggerating.
No, my dear, it is true. That's how they live in the other world. Here we dress to have our bodies covered... to keep warm....
And there?
Well, sometimes they're not completely covered but... they don't freeze.
They must have wonderful materials to make a thing like this so soft... something you don't even see.
You feel it, though.
Ninotchka, I wouldn't bring this up if we weren't such good friends.
What is it, Anna?
You know I told you that Pavlov and I are going to get married when he comes back from the maneuvers. Would it be asking too much...
You want this?
Just for the honeymoon.
Are you the Buljanoff who fought on the barricades? And now you are afraid to take a room with a bath?
Comrades! Comrades! Don't let's give in so quickly. After all we have to uphold the prestige of Russia.
You wouldn't like Razinin.
And how is Lord Lavenham?
Are we free, Buljanoff?
No, that's not him...
That's her.
Imagine! The niece of the Czar opening the door for us.
You must help us, Leon... if you don't win her over we're on our way to Siberia!
Or it might be the firing squad!
Imagine, for once in our lives we were in Paris and we never went to the Eiffel Tower.
If you hadn't given Commissar Razinin such a wonderful report about us, who knows what would have happened?
A little more tact... look how nicely she's fixed the table -- all for us.
Can you blame them?... at least the May Day parade is over.
It is, Ninotchka! It is! He must have been in Paris! You can see it in his whole attitude! He just picked up a crumb of our black bread, shook his head, and dropped it.
If you asked him why he left France I bet he couldn't name one good reason.
Let's fill it with confitures, des prunes...
And the surprise is there's nothing in it.
We are not comrades any more... we are friends, Ninotchka.
...it may step out of a bazaar... it may wait for you in a corridor... it may hide in the shadow of a minaret....
Just a minute -- just a minute -- I have nothing against the idea but I still say let's go back to the Hotel Terminus. Moscow made our reservations there, we are on an official mission, and we have no right to change the orders of our superior.
Now Comrades, I warn you... if it gets out in Moscow that we stay in the Royal Suite we will get into terrible trouble.
Capitalistic methods...
He's cutting our throat...
We don't like Razinin.
Misha! Misha!
What is it?
That must be the one!
We had to take it on account of the safe.
And Leonitchka! What she said about us...!
And they might believe her in Moscow.
Yes! We could stay with Leon!
You know what they say -- there's nothing like home.
Let's be happy that we're all alive.
What a lovely room you have here.
She's right... anyhow let's talk ourselves into it.
And if it is too late for you your children will eat it.
We can say whatever we want. We can shout... we can complain... Look... The service in this hotel is terrible! See? Nobody comes... nobody pays any attention. That's freedom.
Is there anything I can do for you, monsieur?
I am Comrade Buljanoff.
Monsieur.
May I ask how much your rooms are?
Well, gentlemen, I'm afraid our rates are rather high.
How are things in Moscow?
This is the apartment we have reserved for you, Comrade Yakushova. I hope you like it.
Which lawyer?
You didn't get legal advice?
Comrade Buljanoff...
Yes, Comrade?
Do you spell Buljanoff with one or two f's?
Is there anything I can do, Comrade?
You might get me an accurate map of Paris. I want to use my spare time to inspect the public utilities and make a study of all outstanding technical achievements in the city.
There's something else which I know will appeal to you. A visit to the Paris sewers. They tell me it is extremely instructive.
Now let's forget everything except that we're together.
Let's not close our eyes. There are many good things to see here too.
Comrades... I'm out of the omelet.
It is high time you got out of Russia.
Don't forget, the day will come when you will have to face Razinin.
Good old Razinin! Is he still alive? How does he manage?
Is it possible to bring you back to reality for a moment? I must have a complete report of your negotiations and a detailed expense account.
Don't ask for it, Ninotchka. There is a Turkish proverb which says, "If something smells bad, why put your nose in it?"
And there is a Russian saying: "The cat who has cream on his whiskers had better find good excuses."
With our cream situation what it is, it is Russia which should apologize to the cats.
All you have to do is say "open sesame."
I don't know how I can get you out of it this time. How will it end? What will happen to you?
Guest?
We are not only serving good food, we are serving our country... we are making friends.
You think because you represent the former Duchess...
The Duchess...
The former Duchess!
Not that we are giving in one inch, but tell us... what is in your mind?
About this telegram to Moscow. Why should you bother? I'll write it for you.
Didn't we put up a strong resistance?
Boys, boys... don't forget Russia is your mother country. Three sons walking out all at once... that's too much for any mother.
Good morning, Your Highness.
Good morning, Gaston.
Count d'Algout is still asleep.
Nonsense. How can you fight the Reds and make yourself agreeable to the Whites if you don't keep up your strength.
A blue shirt, perhaps?
Blue? Let's offset his mood. Find a striped one, and brighten it with a great blaze of tie.
Good evening, Gaston.
Count d'Algout, there have been several telephone...
Your breakfast, monsieur.
What time have you, Gaston?
Eight forty-two, sir.
I guess it is eight forty-two.
You seem to be a bit nervous, sir.
I am, Gaston.
If you will forgive me, ever since you met that Bolshevik lady I've noticed a distinct change in you, sir.
Have you?
Decidedly. Yesterday I was greatly amazed when I came from the market and found that you had made your bed, sir.
And Gaston, I was happier all day long. I felt I'd contributed something.
Well, sir, if you should do it again, which I hope you won't, please remember the order. Counterpane, blanket, blanket, sheet, sheet.
Ah, there's something poetic about the simple processes of labor. Counterpane, blanket, blanket, sheet, sheet... it should be set to music!
May I add, sir, that it was with great amazement that I found a copy of Karl Marx's Capital on your night table. That is a socialistic volume which I refuse to so much as dust, sir. I view with alarm, sir, the influence over you of this Bolshevik lady.
I can't follow you, Gaston, isn't it about time that you realized the unfairness of your position? You being my servant? Wouldn't you like to stand on an equal footing with me?
No, sir.
Isn't there any revolt in you? Sometimes when I order you around don't you feel like kicking me in the pants?
No, sir.
Oh, you're a reactionary! Don't you look forward to the day when you can come in here and stand square on your two feet and say, "Hey, you, d'Algout! from now on it's going to be share and share alike"?
Your Highness...
Yes, General Savitzky?
I want you to know all the White Russian exiles in Paris are keeping their fingers crossed about the jewels. They are very interested in the case. Swana suspects her countrymen.
Are they indeed? Thank you.
They hope the settlement will bring you a fortune.
You're looking magnificent, Leon... ...isn't he, General Savitzky?
General, would you mind making my excuses at our table? I'll be back in a few moments.
Good evening, Your Highness.
Good evening, Louis. You seem to be very crowded tonight. Can you manage a table near the floor?
Certainly, Your Highness, this way please... Count d'Algout made the reservation this afternoon.
Count d'Algout...
Only one in the rear, I'm afraid.
Is this satisfactory?
Comrades, why should we lie to each other? It's wonderful.
They tell me when you ring once the valet comes in; when you ring twice you get the waiter; and do you know what happens when you ring three times? A maid comes in -- a French maid.
I don't want to go to the Hotel Terminus.
If Lenin were alive he would say, "Buljanoff, Comrade, for once in your life you're in Paris. Don't be a fool. Go in there and ring three times."
We can wait.
You know, Monsieur Mercier, this is all non-sense.
We can call our ambassador.
That won't help you! You can't intimidate us!
Yes, Leon...
Leon, my little boy.
Halt negotiations immediately. Envoy extraordinary arrives Thursday six ten with full power. Your authority cancelled herewith. Razinin.
This is a fine thing. Maybe we've missed him already.
We don't blame you, Leon, but when we came from Russia we believed in simplicity...
They tell me it has a wonderful restaurant on the second floor.
Let's do that.
It's a real Paris reunion.
...des petites fraises des bois... de la crème de Bretagne...
Well, I think it's getting late. Good night, Ninotchka.
That was our idea when we first came. All we thought we would get out of this trip was a Turkish bath, but... we learned better.
Ninotchka, we are in the magic East, the country of Aladdin and His Lamp...
Don't call it desertion. Our little restaurant... that is our Russia... the Russia of borscht, the Russia of beef Stroganoff, blinis with sour cream...
There's something in Constantinople... something irresistible....
We don't want to be disturbed.
My name is Count d'Algout. I telephoned.
If you want to see us you must come later.
I just want a word with Monsieur Mercier.
Well, gentlemen... how about a little lunch?
Get out of here!
All right, go ahead, get her on the witness stand! What can she say?
But how will she look? The fashions this spring are very becoming to her. Gentlemen, the judge will be French, the jury will be French, everybody in that courtroom will be French. Have you ever seen a French court when a beautiful woman sits on the witness stand and lifts her skirt a little? You sit down and pull up your pants and where
I suppose you expect us to hand over the jewels?
What proposition?
What's the name of that Commissar on the Board of Trade?
Razinin.
And if we have to go to Siberia...
She says she won't be intimidated by parasites. She called the Duchess a blood-sucking aristocrat and a blackmailer.
What did she say about me?
You found your way to us and we weren't easy to reach, were we?
I am looking for Michael Simonovitch Iranoff.
I am Michael Simonovitch Iranoff.
Comrade Buljanoff...
Comrade.
Comrade Kopalski...
Comrade.
How much does this cost?
Two thousand francs.
A week?
A day.
Do you know how much a cow costs, Comrade Iranoff?
A cow?
Well, it means another two weeks in Paris.
Come, now, you must not talk that way.... You have to adjust yourselves.... We must be brave.
Only myself and two other girls. One is a cello player in the opera and the other a street-car conductor.
Bad news?
But Buljanoff, Iranoff, Kopalski...
Now, please, Ninotchka, don't start figuring it out in cows.
You've done it again and I am responsible. How can you forget yourselves this way? You were sent here to make money, not to spend it.
...we have a wonderful electric sign: "Dine With Buljanof, Iranoff, and Kopalski."
Yes, monsieur?
This is Comrade Kopalski.
I might be able to accommodate you. Is there some more luggage?
Oh, yes, but have you a safe here big enough to hold this?
I'm afraid we have no boxes of that size in our vault, but there is one suite with a private safe...
That's even better.
A Special Envoy is coming from Moscow. He'll occupy the Royal Suite. Move our things to the smallest room you've got.
Yes, monsieur.
Now, monsieur, you have no right...
We may have a chance.
Yes... a very slim one. I want to be fair. I don't deny that you might make out some kind of a case.
We haven't anything to discuss with you. We'll talk to a lawyer!
How does this strike you? Commissar Razinin, Board of Trade, Moscow. Unexpected situation here. Duchess Swana in Paris claims jewels, and has already brought injunction against sale or removal. After long and careful study we suggest in the interest of our beloved country a fifty-fifty settlement as best solution. Iranoff, Buljanoff, and Kopalski.
What's new?
Well, boys, I'd like to help you but what can I do? Yesterday I waited six hours in the lobby!
She doesn't leave her room! She has been locked in for the last two days with lawyers and law books!
All right, then make an appointment with her so I can see her!
If we had known we would have greeted you with flowers.
He is a porter. He wants to carry them.
Allow me, Comrade.
What's that?
I am ashamed to put the picture of Lenin in a room like this. Comrades, your telegram was received with great disfavor in Moscow.
We did our best, Comrade.
We dealt directly with the representative of the Grand Duchess. I am sure if we call him he will give you a very clear picture.
Will you send me some cigarettes, please? Comrades, I am not in a position to pass final judgment but at best you have been careless in your duty to the State. You were entrusted with more than a mere sale of jewelry. Why are we peddling our precious possessions to the world at this time? Our next year's crop is in danger and you
We did it with the best intentions...
We cannot feed the Russian people on your intentions. Fifty per cent to a so-called Duchess!... Half of every loaf of bread to our enemy! Comrade Kopalski, go at once to our Embassy and get the address of the best lawyer in Paris.
Yes, Comrade.
I acted on your suggestion and got in touch with the Power and Light authorities. Whenever you want to visit their plants they are open to you.
If there is anything we can do for you...
How are you, you three scoundrels?
And your own gas cooker? That's marvelous! Naturally it's not the Royal Suite...
Sssh! Once and for all, we're in Moscow!
Yes, there's no doubt of that... Just look out of the window and there it is.
The same spring we had in Paris. Just as good.
Now, comrades... there is something better in life than crumbs of French pastry.
Yes, a good piece of apfel strudel....
...and Kopalski.
I'm sorry, gentlemen. The other day I heard such a funny story... It still makes me laugh. It is very funny. I am sorry. Oh yes... about this injunction...
The hearing is set for the twentieth of this month.
That's two weeks from Thursday...
We did our utmost to have it set ahead.
I know, gentlemen, but it is in the hands of the Court. We're helpless, aren't we?
Yes. It is unfortunate.
We'll leave these papers here for your further consideration. Au revoir, madame.
Give me another double brandy.
That kind of propaganda is bad anywhere, but inciting the attendants of a powder room to go on strike.... Well, if she succeeds the consequences will be disastrous.
What can I do about it?
She has been asked to leave the powder room but without success. We would appreciate if you would see to it yourself.
You want me to go in there?
Pardon me, I am very interested in what you just said -- you mean when an envoy goes back to Russia -- if they don't like what he has done they put him out of the way?
Not always... look at me... I've been back twice.
Here's my passport.... Please give me a visa. I have to leave for Russia immediately.
Count Leon d'Algout... a count!... a nobleman!
Don't hold that against me... please!
Why should an aristocrat want to go to Russia?
Business.
What business?
Private.
There is no privacy in Russia. This whole thing seems very suspicious. What's the real reason? If you ever want to get into Russia, take my advice... confess!
Confess what?
Are you sympathetic to the former Czaristic government -- the White Russians?
On the contrary -- I don't want to have anything to do with them.
She must have her little joke. You're not going to take that seriously.
The Grand Duchess Swana... active in the White Russian movement?
Believe me, I have no connection with her any longer... I swear I haven't!
But you had!
Listen, I want to be absolutely frank with you. I have no business in Moscow.
I think so too.
I want to see a friend of mine... a very dear friend.... It's a personal matter which has nothing to do with politics or social philosophies.... It's a girl.
So it's love which drags you to Moscow.
Yes!
No visa.
I must get into that country of yours!
Oh no. No visa.
That's impossible! Nobody has the right.... You can't do that!... If you don't give me that visa...
You're going to force us... huh?
Now look here... you advertise all over the world that you want people to go into your country and when someone tries to get in, you keep him out!
Why should I take a chance?
On what?
How do I know you don't want to blow up a factory?
What for... why?
Or a tunnel or a bridge...
You, please.
Me?
Yes. Could you give me some information?
Gladly.
How long do we have to wait here?
Well -- until the policeman whistles again.
At what intervals does he whistle?
What?
How many minutes between the first and second whistle?
That's funny. It's interesting. I never gave it a thought before.
Have you never been caught in a similar situation?
Have I? Do you know when I come to think about it it's staggering. If I add it all up I must have spent years waiting for signals. Imagine! An important part of my life wasted between whistles.
In other words you don't know.
No.
Thank you.
Can I help you?
You might hold this for me.
Love to.
Correct me if I am wrong... We are facing north, aren't we?
Facing north... I'd hate to commit myself without my compass... Pardon me... are you an explorer?
No... I am looking for the Eiffel Tower.
Is that thing lost again?... Listen... if you are interested in a view...
I am interested in the Eiffel Tower from a technical standpoint.
Technical... I couldn't help you from that angle. You see, a real Parisian only goes to the top of the tower in moments of despair to jump off.
How long does it take a man to land?
Why do you need my finger?
Bad manners to point with your own... Here... the Eiffel Tower.
And where are we?
Here... here we are... here you are and here I am... feel it?
I am interested only in the shortest distance between these two points. Must you flirt?
I don't have to but I find it natural.
Suppress it.
For my own information would you call your approach toward me typical of the local morale?
Madame, it is that kind of approach which has made Paris what it is.
You are very sure of yourself, aren't you?
Nothing has occurred recently to shake my confidence.
I have heard of the arrogant male in capitalistic society. It is having a superior earning power that makes you like that.
A Russian! I love Russians! Comrade... I have been fascinated by your Five- Year Plan for the past fifteen years!
The foundation is one hundred and forty-one yards square... I hope you'll forgive me but I thought you'd...
Four massive piers of masonry are sunk to a depth of forty-six feet on the side of the Seine, and twenty- nine and one-half feet on the other side. The girders of interlaced iron- work which stay the structure have an inclination of fifty-four degrees...
That's a strange angle.
You gave me some very valuable information. Thank you.
And thank you for getting me up here. I've never seen this before. Beautiful, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
I'm glad I saw it before becoming extinct.
Do not misunderstand me. I do not hold your frivolity against you. As basic material you might not be bad, but you are the unfortunate product of a doomed culture. I feel sorry for you.
I do not deny its beauty, but it is a waste of electricity.
What a city! There are the Grands Boulevards... blasted out of the heart of the old streets. The Arc de Triomphe... made to greet Napoleon's army. The Opera! And Montmartre... Montparnasse... La Bohème... and now I'll show you the greatest attraction! It will cost me a franc but it is worth it. The most wonderful spot in all Paris -- unique! Here, look.... What
I see a house that looks like any other house. What's remarkable about it?
It's not the structure but the spirit which dwells within. There are three rooms and a kitchenette dedicated to hospitality.
So that is your house?
Well, let's say I live in it. Such a pleasant place... all kinds of comfort, easy to reach, close to street car, bus, and subway...
Does that mean that you want me to go there?
Please don't misunderstand me...
Then you don't want me to go there.
Now I didn't say that either... naturally nothing would please me more.
Then why don't we go? You might be an interesting subject of study.
Is this what you call the "butler"?
Yes.
Good evening, comrade. This man is horribly old. You should not make him work.
He takes good care of that.
He looks sad. Do you whip him?
No, though the mere thought makes my mouth water.
Well, may I offer you a drink, or how about something to eat?
What do we do now?
We take off our hat and coat. We sit down -- we make ourselves comfortable. We adjust ourselves to the prospect of a most enjoyable evening. We look at each other. We smile. Well... we don't smile. How about some music?
Is that customary?
It helps. It has ever since King David wooed Bathsheba with the harp. As I am not so fortunate as to have my harp at hand, I shall turn on the radio.
I should say this room is eighteen by twenty-five.
Not too big and not too small. What I'd call the typical room of an average man. Or shall we say a little above average. Now if there are any special aspects you wish to study I have nothing to conceal. Just look around. That's my desk. Those are my books, and here am I. Where shall we begin?
I will start with you.
That's great. I'm thirty-five years old. Just over six feet tall. I weigh a hundred and eighty-two pounds stripped.
And what is your profession?
Keeping my body fit, keeping my mind alert, keeping my landlord appeased. That's a full-time job.
And what do you do for mankind?
For mankind not a thing -- for womankind the record is not quite so bleak.
You are something we do not have in Russia.
Thank you. Thank you.
That is why I believe in the future of my country.
I begin to believe in it myself since I've met you. I still don't know what to make of it. It confuses me, it frightens me a little, but it fascinates me, Ninotchka.
You pronounce it incorrectly. Ni- notchka.
Ni-notchka.
That is correct.
Ninotchka, do you like me just a little bit?
Your general appearance is not distasteful.
Thank you.
Look at me. The whites of your eyes are clear. Your cornea is excellent.
Your cornea is terrific. Tell me -- you're so expert on things -- can it be that I'm falling in love with you?
You are bringing in wrong values. Love is a romantic designation for a most ordinary biological, or shall we say chemical, process. A lot of nonsense is talked and written about it.
Oh, I see. What do you use instead?
I acknowledge the existence of a natural impulse common to all.
What can I possibly do to encourage such an impulse in you?
You don't have to do a thing. Chemically we are already quite sympathetic.
You're the most improbable creature I've ever met in my life, Ninotchka, Ninotchka...
You repeat yourself.
I'd like to say it a thousand times.
Don't do it, please.
I'm at a loss, Ninotchka. You must forgive me if I appear a little old- fashioned. After all, I'm just a poor bourgeois.
It's never too late to change. I used to belong to the petty bourgeoisie myself. My father and mother wanted me to stay and work on the farm, but I preferred the bayonet.
The bayonet? Did you really?
I was wounded before Warsaw.
Wounded? How?
I was a sergeant in the Third Cavalry Brigade. Would you like to see my wound?
I'd love to. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
A Polish lancer. I was sixteen.
Poor Ninotchka. Poor, poor Ninotchka.
What kind of a girl are you, anyway?
Just what you see. A tiny cog in the great wheel of evolution.
Do you hear that?
It's twelve o'clock.
It's midnight. One half of Paris is making love to the other half. Look at the clock. One hand has met the other hand. They kiss. Isn't that wonderful?
That's the way a clock works. There's nothing wonderful about it. You merely feel you must put yourself in a romantic mood to add to your exhilaration.
I can't possibly think of a better reason.
It's false sentimentality.
Was that talkative?
Thank you.
Glorious, analytical...
The telephone is ringing.
Oh, let it ring.
I must go.
Ninotchka, or shall I say Special Envoy Yakushova...
Let's forget that we ever met.
I have a better suggestion. Let's forget that the telephone ever rang. I never heard that you are Yakushova... you are Ninotchka... my Ninotchka...
I was sent here by my country to fight you.
All right, fight me, fight me as much as you want, but fight me tomorrow morning! There's nothing sweeter than sharing a secret with a bitter enemy.
As a representative of Moscow...
Tonight let's not represent anybody but ourselves.
It is out of the question. If you wish to approach me...
You know I want to...
Then do it through my lawyer!
But, Ninotchka, I held you in my arms. You kissed me!
Room service speaking.
Send me a plate of raw carrots and beets, beets predominating on a ratio of sixty-forty... What? There is a strike in the kitchen? Good! Will you assure the strikers of my hearty sympathy in their cause. I hope they will not weaken in their demands and tell them to put no dressing whatsoever on my vegetables... What? You won't serve me either? Now
Pardon me for addressing you but you insulted him, you know that. You hurt his feelings. It was just like telling a musician you don't like music. That good old man believes in food as you believe in Karl Marx. You can't go around hurting people, Comrade Yakushova, but maybe you can make it up to him. Do you know how? By eating everything
I don't like your following me.
I didn't follow you.
Then how did you get here?
I always eat here.
This is a place for workmen.
Just an old man. His memory is getting weak.
What are you after?
Must one always be after something?
Your tactics are useless. My name is neither Buljanoff, Iranoff, nor Kopalski.
Oh, Ninotchka, who wants to talk business. If you win the suit, fine. If we win the suit, better. You do me an injustice. When we went to my apartment did I have the slightest idea that you had any connection with this deal?
But you have now, and I know now that you are a man who employs business methods which in Russia would be punished by death.
Death! Death! Always so glum! What about life, Ninotchka! Do Russians never think of life? Of the moment in which we are living? The only moment we really have? Don't take it all so seriously, Ninotchka. Nothing is worth it. Please... relax... I beg you, Sergeant... smile!
What?
Will you smile?
Why?
Just smile.
At what?
At anything. At the whole ludicrous spectacle of life. At people being pompous and taking themselves seriously and exaggerating their own importance. If you can't find anything else to laugh at you can laugh at you and me.
Why?
Because we are an odd couple.
Then you should go back to your table.
Ha! Ha! Now go back.
That's not a laugh! I mean a laugh from the heart. Now let's see. I'm going to tell you a funny story. Just a moment... I've got it! Well, it seems there were a couple of Frenchmen who went to America...
On which boat?
Well, er... let's drop it. I don't think you would care for that one.
Probably not.
Do you like Scotch stories?
I have never heard one.
Two Scotchmen met on the street... and I don't know the name of the street and it really doesn't matter. Well, anyway, one's name was McIntosh and the other's was McGillicuddy. McIntosh says to McGillicuddy, "Hello, Mr. McGillicuddy," and McGillicuddy says to McIntosh, "Hello, Mr. McIntosh," and then McIntosh says to McGillicuddy, "How is Mrs. McGillicuddy?" and then McGillicuddy says to McIntosh, "How is
I wish they had never met.
I suppose you don't think that's funny?
No.
It seemed funny to me when I first heard it. Maybe the trouble isn't with the joke. Maybe it's with you!
I don't think so.
Not funny, huh?
No.
I'll tell you that joke again. A man comes into a restaurant. Did you get that?
Yes.
He sits down at the table and says to the waiter... Did you get that too?
Yes.
I don't look too foolish?
You remember this room?
I've never been here before. I wonder whom you're thinking of. Oh, I know, a girl with a map, figuring out each step, worrying about north and south. Today... now this might shock you... I went up to a taxi and said "Eight Rue du Bois"... and here I am.
You see? Life can be so simple.
For twelve francs, seventy-five.
It's nine o'clock.
That's when one half of Paris says to the other half, "What are your plans for this evening, madame?"
Well, first I should like to take off my hat and jacket. Then could we have some music?
A wonderful idea! Radio or records?
You see I couldn't shout that.
Leon, you know the jokes you told me a few days ago? I wake up in the middle of the night and laugh at them. Now, Leon that's wrong. I know they're not funny, they're silly. They're stupid. And still... I laugh... and when I look at Buljanoff and Iranoff and Kopalski I know they are scoundrels and I should hate them -- then
No... go on.
Leon, I would like to ask you something.
Anything, Ninotchka.
If you don't want to answer, you needn't. But if you do, you must tell me the truth.
I promise... I swear.
Did you make any change in this room?
I don't think so.
She is very attractive. She has great elegance. She's what you call a woman of the world, isn't she?
Ninotchka, I love you.
I suppose she is very entertaining... It must be lots of fun to be with her, so witty, so glamorous...
Leon, don't ever ask me for a picture of myself... I couldn't bear the thought of being shut up in a drawer... I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stand it.
I wouldn't know. The closest I ever came to champagne was in a newsreel. The wife of some president was throwing it at a battleship.
It's funny to look back. I was brought up on goat's milk, I had a ration of vodka in the army, and now champagne.
From what I read I thought champagne was a strong drink. It's very delicate. Do people ever get drunk on this?
How do you do?
Quickly, please... tell me one of your funny stories.
A funny story?
You never finished the one about the two Scotchmen with the names.
Go on.
No, darling. I'll tell you another story, a much better one. The only thing that will be over on Thursday is the lawsuit. There will be no Thursday for us. Not next week or any week. We won't let it happen. I'll tear it out of the calendar. Is that a good story?
Wonderful -- if one could believe it.
You must, darling.
Oo! Darling! Something is the matter.
You just made that trip from goats to grapes a little too fast.
Oh, everything is so wonderful! It's getting farther and farther away!
What, darling?
Thursday.
Comrades! Comrades!
Darling, darling... please!
I must talk to my brothers!
Shhh! Shhh!
But, darling, you can't do that.
Comrades! Good people of France!
Now, Ninotchka... please!
Quite right... yes, yes, yes, but first you're going in that door and you're going to take a little spirits of ammonia and lie down.
No speech?
No speech.
I love you, my little Leonitchka!
Don't tell them where we're going, sweetheart.
Are we going to build our little house?
Yes... a little white house.
Not white, darling.
All right, we'll make it red.
No, don't let's have it any color... no color... just a house house... let's form our own party.
Right: Lovers of the world unite!
And we won't stretch up our arms...
No! No!
...and we won't clench our fist...
No! No!
Our salute will be a kiss.
I am so happy. No one can be so happy without being punished. I will be punished and I should be punished. I want to confess, darling.
I know... it's the Russian soul.
Would that make you any happier?
Much happier.
I have paid the penalty. Now let's have some music.
Let's turn on the radio.
Radio! What is radio?
It's a little box that you buy on the installment plan and before you tune it in they tell you they have a new model.
What shall we get? The news!
No, no news. We don't want to know what's happening in the world. We want to be left alone, don't we?
Yes, sweetheart... all by ourselves.
It's dead.
No music.
There it is... Thursday... you can't rip it out of the week....
But I can throw it out of the window.
It wouldn't be fair to the man in the street. There they are... they are terrible things, those jewels....
...but big.
...they are the tears of Old Russia... see that stone?
Who cried that one?
Czar Peter gave it to his wife, Catherine the Great. For it he sold ten thousand serfs in the market.
Come, sweetheart. Let me put it on you. You will teach these jewels. For the first time they will learn how they can look.
They belong to the people.
Is this the wish of the masses?
It is their wish.
Thank you, Leon... thank you, masses. Can I make a speech now?
Comrades! People of the world! The revolution is on the march... I know... wars will wash over us... bombs will fall... all civilization will crumble... but not yet, please... wait, wait... what's the hurry? Let us be happy... give us our moment.... We are happy, aren't we, Leon?
Yes, sweetheart.
They wouldn't let me in so I had to get you out.
Trying to keep me away from you! It couldn't be done. Naturally I couldn't go on forever punching passport officials in the nose -- but I found a way, didn't I? Darling, I had to see you. I wrote and wrote but all my letters came back.
The one I got they wouldn't let me read. It began, "Ninotchka, my darling," and ended, "Yours, Leon."
But, Leon, I am only here for a few days.
If you don't stay with me, I'll have to continue my fight. I'll travel wherever Russian commissions are. I'll turn them all into Buljanoffs, Iranoffs, and Kopalskis. The world will be crowded with Russian restaurants. I'll depopulate Russia. Once you saved your country by going back. This time you can save it by staying here.
Hello, Leon!
It's really a wretched morning... wretched. I can't get myself right. I wanted to look mellow and I look brittle. My face doesn't compose well... all highlights... how can I dim myself down, Leon? Suggest something. I am so bored with this face. I wish I had someone else's face. Whose face would you have if you had your choice? Oh, well, I guess
Your conversation has one marvelous advantage, Swana. However many questions you ask you never expect an answer.
Don't you find that restful?... Why didn't you come last night?
Darling, I was busy looking out for your interests.
Did you win?
We can forget horse racing, roulette, the stock market... our worries are over! You remember that platinum watch with the diamond numbers? You will be in a position to give it to me.
Oh, Leon, you are so good to me.
We can be rich if you say the word. I had dinner with the Guizots last night.
Those newspaper people?
You'd be surprised how many nice people dine with the Guizots.
What a gruesome proof of the power of the press!
Now listen, Swana... I sold Monsieur Guizot the idea of publishing your memoirs in the Gazette Parisienne. "The Life and Loves of the Grand Duchess Swana of Russia"!
Oh, Leon!
Sweetheart, we won't have to bother about our future if you are willing to raffle off your past!
Was it for this that I refused to endorse Dr. Bertrand's Mouthwash? I could have made a little fortune by saying that the Vincent Vacuum Cleaner was the only vacuum cleaner ever used by the Romanoffs... and now you want them to smear my life's secrets over the front page of a tabloid?
I understand how you feel, but there is a limit to everything, particularly pride and dignity. They are willing to pay any price! They have a circulation of two million!
My little Volga boatman! Stop threatening! I don't deserve this. Are you my little Volga boatman?
Now, Swana...
First tell me, are you my little Volga boatman?
Yes, I'm your little Volga boatman.
I've got one chapter Guizot thinks is terrific. "Caviar and Blood." Swana escapes over the ice!
A couple of bloodhounds and we have Uncle Tom's Cabin.
Darling, this would be wonderful! Just once... weren't you attacked by a Bolshevik?
Was I? No... not by a Bolshevik!
He's a waiter at the Clarence, poor devil. You know him.
Oh, yes.
Did I hear something about jewels?
This is the Duchess Swana... I want to speak to Monsieur Cornillon... it's very important... please get him right away... Hello, Monsieur Cornillon? The most incredible thing has happened! My jewels are here in Paris! Three Bolshevik swine are trying to sell them! Yes... yes... we must act immediately!... Call the police... Have them arrested!... Well, then, get an injunction!... But do something, Monsieur
What does he say?
What did he say?
It looks pretty hopeless... there may be a chance... that's all... The French Government has recognized Soviet Russia and he doubts that they will risk a war for my poor sake. He might be able to make up some kind of a case but it would cost money, money, money!... That's all they are interested in -- those lawyers!
Leon! What in heaven's name...!
Huh?
Is anything wrong? Are you ill?
No.
Don't tell me the bed has lost its best friend.
I just couldn't sleep. I got up and went back... and then got up again. These last few days... whew!
Make it ice cold.
Now... here we have two very handsome soft-boiled eggs. Do you suppose hens mind what happens to their eggs? Probably not. They have such unfeeling eyes. We'll put in a great nugget of butter, plenty of pepper and salt... Darling, I haven't seen you for three livelong days... seventy-two hours!
Oh, please, Swana! I don't know whether I'm standing on my head or my heels. Here you are blaming me for neglecting you when I'm trying to concentrate on another woman and can't get near her.
You haven't seen her yet?
No, and believe me I've tried everything! I must have telephoned her a hundred times. I've sent her telegrams, I've sent her flowers... I asked her to dinner... I offered her seats for the Opera...
That proletarian! In the old days we'd have had her flogged.
That wouldn't have done any good. Not with her. She's the most incredible creature I've ever seen.
You just told me you hadn't seen her.
Well... er... I caught a glimpse of her when she walked through the lobby.
Imagine the carpets of a self- respecting Parisian hotel dirtied by the boots of a muzhik! What does she look like?
You can't imagine.
That bad? Old or young?
Timeless. When she comes into a room you'd think that the Bolsheviks had taken over Paris. She wears her cheap miserable blouse as though it were the latest model by Schiaparelli. What a woman! What a woman! There is a Russian snowstorm in each of her eyes.
You saw all that in one glimpse?
Darling, if we're going to get anywhere someone has to keep his eyes open!
Thank you.
Is this your new dress suit?
Yes, Swana.
Didn't I tell you Benson and Benson were the tailors for you?
Yes, Swana, you did.
It's a dream of beauty. He never takes my word for anything, but I was right, wasn't I?
Yes, Swana.
Am I interrupting?
Not at all. Your Highness, may I present Madame Yakushova?
I've some wonderful news for you, Leon. It's about Punchy... do you mind if I sit down?
He won another blue ribbon and bit the judge. Ha! ha! ha! I bought him the cutest sweater as a reward. You should see him strut down the street in it. He looks like a little boulevardier. You see, Count d'Algout gave me Punchy for my birthday. You must have searched weeks before you found anything as divine as Punchy, didn't you, Leon?
Months, Swana.
There's a charming crowd here tonight, isn't there?
Will you do me a favor? Stop talking about the good old days.
Leon, darling, how nice! Have you ordered tea or a cocktail?
No thanks, Swana.
Did I act stupidly last night? Should I apologize?
I'm the one who should apologize. I should have talked to you before.
Is this, by any chance, going to be a confession?
Yes.
Oh, no, my little Volga boatman. Have you forgotten our First Commandment: Never Complain -- Never Explain. It has worked so often and so perfectly, don't let's break the rule. And please don't look so guilty, otherwise I'll...
This time, Swana -- just this once -- I must ask you to listen.
All right, I'll listen.
I know you hate the obvious but do you mind if, at this moment, I'm not in the least subtle?
Brutal frankness, if you insist.
There are a hundred ways to approach it, but I feel it can best be said in one simple phrase. I'm in love, Swana.
And I thought it was something serious! How could you frighten me so?
It must be serious, Swana. Not long ago I'd have considered such a statement rather juvenile and rather middle class. Now I can say it without stammering, without a blush. I'm in love, Swana.
Say it over and over again, Leon. Words are a wonderful safety valve, and that's what you need -- because you know it's impossible, don't you?
I have to be simple again, Swana, and you may find it shockingly banal. I've thought it over and I'm willing to take all the consequences, even if it means a complete readjustment of my way of living.
Leon! This has the ugly sound of regeneration.
I'm afraid that's what it is.
The same old trouble, Leon. You're always late. Whether you're taking me to the Opera or calling for me at a beauty shop, you're never on time. And now, when it's a question of your reform -- late again. By about five minutes.
What is this, Swana?
Knowing the efficiency of the French Air Service I think I can guarantee that Madame Yakushova has already taken off for Moscow.
Has done what?
She's gone, Leon.
Hello, Leon darling!
Hello.
Now, please, Swana.
Count d'Algout was for several years my personal representative and if it is necessary to sign any affidavit for him I'll be delighted.
That does it, Swana. Now you mustn't miss your appointment with your hair-dresser.
Just in case they don't give you your visa to Russia I want you to know that I have signed a contract for my memoirs and rented a lovely little château in the Touraine, and if you feel the need of a change...
Not at all.... I understand perfectly, Count d'Algout gave you a dog. You made it very clear, madame.
Isn't it amazing! One gets a wrong impression of the new Russia. It must be charming. I'm glad conditions are so improved. I assume this is what the factory workers wear at their dances?
Exactly. You see, it would have been embarrassing for people of my sort to wear low-cut gowns in the old Russia. The lashes of the Cossacks across our backs were not very becoming, and you know how vain women are.
You're right, madame, it will all be over by Thursday.
Good morning.
What?
I think we can cut your visit short. Leon is not here.
How stale last night's gaiety looks! It has the taste of a dead cigarette.
If you were encouraged to come here by our meeting last night I am afraid you misunderstood my attitude.
Don't worry, you were quite rude enough. Do you mind if I let in a little fresh air and sunshine? I'm sure it will make you feel better and I want you to be at your very best. In full possession of your faculties, at least.
Please come to the point. What is it you want?
I just dropped in to have a little heart-to-heart talk with you.
We have nothing to discuss.
Now there you are completely wrong. If we sit down for a little chat, I'm sure we won't run out of conversation and what's more it won't be dull.
Madame, what is it you people always say, regardless of what you mean... "I am delighted to have you here"? I have not reached that stage of civilization.
That's all right... I grow on people.
I must ask you to leave.
Leave? That's exactly what I came here to ask you to do. Leave! I don't mean this hotel and I don't mean Paris... I mean France. There's a plane for Moscow at five-forty.
Madame, if you...
Don't worry. I have already made reservations. It's perfect flying weather. They assure me there's a fine tail wind which will sweep you back to Moscow in no time.
My palace in Petrograd... yes, you took that away from me. You took away my czar, my country, my people, everything I had... but nothing more -- I warn you.
People cannot be taken away, madame, neither a hundred and sixty million nor one. Not if you have their love. You hadn't. That's why you're not in Russia any longer, and that's why you came here this morning.
Very interesting, my dear, but couldn't you write all that from Moscow? A dissertation on love on Soviet stationery -- would be an amusing paradox.
It is not enough to be witty, madame. People grow tired of being entertained. You made that mistake before. Problems were never solved by bowing from a balcony.
You can't deny we gave the people their money's worth -- almost -- eight tumbling Romanoffs -- eight!
I must insist that you leave.
Not before you agree to use those reservations to Moscow.
I wouldn't waken Leon. After last night I would say not before three o'clock at the earliest.
I told you to go, madame.
Where are they?
You were very careless with our precious jewels, my dear. They're too expensive a toy for two children to play with.
Where are they?
Don't worry. Fortunately last night a very trustworthy friend kept his eyes open. Perhaps he overstepped his function as a waiter but he fulfilled his duty as a Russian. I just put this on for sentiment. The rest are absolutely safe. I assure you. But if you feel like notifying the police...
You leave me no choice.
Won't it be rather embarrassing for a Soviet Envoy to disclose the circumstances under which she lost them?
I will have to face the consequences, but so will you. Don't forget they will ask how you got them.
They always belonged to the Russian people. They were paid for with their sweat, their blood, their lives and you will give them back!
Now, let's free ourselves from emotionalism and try to solve the problem in a practical way. Our situation has changed considerably. Before I had only a claim to the jewels. Now I have the jewels.
In other words moral ideas have no weight with you... all right, then let's deal with legal facts. You know that France has recognized the Soviet.
Unfortunately.
Under Soviet law the jewels belong to the State. France is going to uphold that ownership.
My lawyer agrees with you. He says France will uphold it in every court, but I will drag you through every court, don't forget that. And when I say it will take two years I am, as always, conservative.
Won't those two years in court be expensive for you? I know that money was no object as long as you could squeeze it from the pockets of the people, but now...
I may run out of money, but you have already run out of bread. Two years is a long time for your comrades to wait.
I see. You have calculated in terms of hunger.
No, I just wanted to be absolutely impartial. Both of us are faced with two rather uncomfortable years. We can condense these two years to two minutes if you want to accept my proposition. Ninotchka now realizes what she is after.
Go on.
I am willing to hand over the jewels and sign the necessary papers if you take that five-forty plane to Moscow.
That's not the way to win him back... not Leon.
Here, please...
What do you want?
May I have your bags, madame?
Well... that's my business, madame.
That's no business... that's a social injustice.
Good morning, Comrade.
Good morning, Comrade Commissar. Here is my report on the materials available for trading in the next four months.
Does this include the products of the Far Eastern provinces?
Yes, it does.
You mean you have finished the whole investigation?
Yes.
That's marvelous.... You must have worked day and night.... Don't you ever sleep?
I need very little sleep. We must be extremely careful what goods we take in exchange. I have already started a survey of our most urgent needs.
Well, Comrade, I am afraid you will have to turn over that work to someone else.
May I ask why?
Cigarette?
Thank you.
Well, Comrade, have you heard from your friends Kopalski, Buljanoff, and Iranoff?
No.
I haven't either, but I've heard about them. You must realize it was only on the strength of your Paris report that I sent them to Constantinople; without that I never would have trusted them on a mission as important as the fur deal.
May I ask what has happened?
Oh, they shouldn't do such things. Are you sure this report is correct?
It gives details which couldn't be invented. Naturally I want to verify it and that's why I need you.
You want me to go to Constantinople?
Yes... leaving immediately.
I appreciate the confidence you show in me, but I must ask you to entrust someone else with this mission. I should hate to interrupt my present work. I am positive that my survey is more important than finding out whether three of our comrades have been drinking some extra glasses of champagne.
That is for me to decide, Comrade Yakushova.
I am sorry, I don't want to overstep my position -- but please... don't send me.
I don't understand.
How can I make myself clear... It is difficult to express but I'd rather not go to foreign countries any more. Please, Comrade... let me stay here... let me finish my work... I am in the rhythm of it now... I don't want to go away. I don't want to be sent into that foreign atmosphere again. It throws one out of gear.... Let
Please don't waste my time, Comrade. Do your duty. Good-by.
This way, madame. Are you alone? By the window perhaps? Or a nice little corner table?
This will do.
I think this is the first time you have been to my little place. Your face is new to me. Now, what shall it be?
Raw carrots and beets.
Bring me something simple. I never think about food.
But, madame! If you don't think about food what do you think about?
The future of the common people.
Where to, madame?
Can you recommend a restaurant?
Well, there's Pruniers if you care for seafood. If you want to lunch in the Bois, there's...
Where do you eat?
At Père Mathieu's.
Where is that?
It's just a place for workmen.
Where is it?
Your Highness.
How do you do, my friend.
Your Highness, forgive this intrusion, but...
What is it, Rakonin? Did you lose your job?
No, madame, something of the utmost importance... it concerns your jewels.
My jewels?!
I remember one birthday of His Majesty, our beloved Czar... I had the honor of being on guard at the summer palace... I still see you bending before His Majesty... You wore your diadem and a necklace... your face seemed to be lighted by the jewels.
Why do you bring this up after so many years?
They are here!... Your jewels!... Here in Paris!
Alexis! Do you know what you are saying?
I am sorry... I have to leave.
Sir, the charges are serious -- first, abuse of power; second, obstruction of justice; third, failure to cooperate with Congress; and last, bombing Cambodia ...
Sir, if I may ... echo my concern ...
You're lawyers. How can you let this shit go by! Look! This? Nixon can't say this.
You did say it, sir.
We could check the tape again, sir.
For Christ's sake, it soils my mother's memory. Do you think I want the whole goddamn world to see my mother like this? Raising a dirty mouth!
Mr. President, I don't know what to say. As soon as we learned from the Secret Service you were en route, the Director was notified. He should be here any minute.
Where the hell is he?
Uh, he's rushing back from his tennis game, sir ...
So ... let's go ...
He told me to take you to his conference room.
No. His office. I want a very private conversation. I don't want to be bugged.
How's the job coming, Bob?
Frankly, sir, it stinks. I have no access. I'm lucky Helms lets me have a staff.
We'll see about that ...
He's nervous, sir. He's heard you're looking for a new director.
Well, he certainly isn't acting like it.
That's Helms. He's "sang froid," a world-class poker player.
The bigger problem I see is this guy who was arrested, McCord -- James McCord -- he headed up security for the Committee to Re-Elect. He turns out to be ex-CIA.
So, what about those Watergate clowns, John? This fuck Sirica's crazy. Thirty-five-year sentences! There were no weapons. Right? No injuries. There was no success! It's just ridiculous.
Sirica's just trying to force one of them to testify. But they're solid.
Mr. President, Hunt wants more money. Another hundred-and-thirty thousand.
Son of a bitch.
He says if he doesn't get it right away, he's going to blow us out of the water. And he means it. Ever since his wife died in the plane crash, he's been over the edge.
Executive clemency ...
What?
Hunt has nothing to lose now. Pardon all of them. Nobody's going to investigate a crime for which the criminals have already been pardoned.
Mitchell? Mitchell's ... family.
How much do you need?
Uh, I would say these people are going to cost a million dollars over the next two years ...
We could get that.
Uh huh ...
I'm still not confident we can ride through this. Some people are going to have to go to jail. Hunt's not the only problem. Haldeman let me use the $350,000 cash fund in his safe to make the payments. Ehrlichman had a role, a big role, in the Ellsberg break-in. And I'm ... uh, I think it's time we begin to think in terms
You say, John, cut our losses and all the rest. But suppose the thing blows and they indict Bob and the others. Jesus, you'd never recover from that, John. It's better to fight it out instead, and not let people testify ...
Sir, I still don't think, uh, we can contain it anymore. There's a cancer on the presidency. And it's growing. With every day that ...
Jesus, everything is a crisis among the upper intellectual types, the softheads. The average people don't think it's much of a crisis. For Christ's sake, it's not Vietnam ... no one's dying here. Isn't it ridiculous?
I agree it's ridiculous but --
He's right. Maybe it's time to go to the hang-out route, John. A full and thorough investigation ... We've cooperated with the FBI, we'll cooperate with the Senate. What do we have to hide?
No, we have nothing to hide.
You want me to put it all in writing? Over my signature?
I'm not going to be the scapegoat for this. Haldeman and Ehrlichman are in just as deep as me.
John, you don't want to start down that road. I remember what Whittaker Chambers told me back in '48 -- and he was a man who suffered greatly -- he said, "On the road of the informer, it's always night." This is beyond you or even me. It's the country, John. It's the presidency.
I understand that, sir.
I was sorry to hear about your wife.
Yes ... I got the money.
The President would like to know if that was the last payment.
I'll bet he would.
Is it?
How the hell do you have the temerity to blackmail the President of the United States?
That's not the question, John. The question is: Why is he paying?
To protect his people.
I'm one of his people. The Cubans are his people. And we're going to jail for him.
Howard, you'll serve no more than two years, then he'll pardon you.
It was her wrist. And it was through a plate-glass door.
Let's not forget they're just kids, they don't vote.
Yeah ... Sullivan thinks Henry's leaking. He's the one ...
Who's gonna tell Mitchell?
You do it.
Why me?
'Cause he hates you. It's worse when you get it from someone you trust.
He's wrong, you know -- about Kennedy, LBJ, Truman.
How so?
Sure, they did stuff, but nothing like this, Bob. Forget Watergate, the break-ins, the Enemies list. You got an attempted firebombing at the Brookings Institution, planting McGovern stuff on the guy that shot Wallace, trying to slip LSD to Jack Anderson.
The "Old Man" plays politics harder than anybody else.
It's a code or something.
I figured that out.
I think he means the Kennedy assassination.
Yeah?
They went after Castro. In some crazy way it got turned on Kennedy. I don't think the "P" knows what happened, but he's afraid to find out. It's got him shitting peach pits.
Eight words back in '72 -- "I covered up. I was wrong. I'm sorry" -- and the American public would've forgiven him. But we never opened our mouths, John. We failed him.
Dick Nixon saying "I'm sorry"? That'll be the day. The whole suit of armor'd fall off.
Colson doesn't know about it; he's pure as a virgin on this one. It's just not clear the burglars knew what they were looking for. They were heading to McGovern's office later that night.
Jesus! Did Mitchell know?
Mitchell's out of his mind now. Martha just put her head through a plate-glass window.
Martha's an idiot, she'll do anything to get John's attention. If Mitchell'd been minding the store instead of that nut Martha we wouldn't have that kid Magruder runnin' some third-rate burglary! Was he smoking pot?
Mitchell?
McCord? ...
I don't have time for all this shit! Just handle it, Bob! Keep it out of the White House. What else? Kissinger's waiting -- he's gonna throw a tantrum again if I don't see him, threatening to quit ... again.
Well, sir ... it turns out -- one of the people implicated is still, you see, on our White House payroll.
Hunt? Howard Hunt?
Goddamn! How long have we had this fucking dog?! Two years, he still doesn't come! We need a dog that looks happy when the press is around.
I like it. I like the idea.
Is it legal? I mean has anyone ever done it before?
Where's Hunt now?
In hiding. He sent Liddy to talk to me.
And?
He wants money.
Pay him.
Pay him? I told him to get out of the country. It's crazy to start ...
It's more than that. It could be more than that. I want Hunt paid.
Uh, we've never done this before, sir ... How do we pay? In ... hundreds? Do you fill a black bag full of unmarked bills?
This is not a joke, John!
No, sir.
Oh, I suppose you would've just let them take over. These aren't fraternity pranks, John. It's anarchy. A revolution!
I don't know if I'd go that far, sir.
Why not?
Is the war worth it? Is it worth a one-term presidency? Because I think right now that's what we're looking at.
Excuse me ... Are you talking about recognizing China, Mr. President? That would cost us our strongest support.
We can't touch Hoover --
I thought the gloves were off.
The soldiers were provoked. The students started it, for Christ's sake!
He's in the dumps, sir. Agnew. Every time you have him attack the press, they give it back to him in spades. He's become the most hated man in America.
He's begging for a meeting, chief. He wants to go overseas for awhile.
The country's loving it.
No, you didn't, Bob.
I would personally enjoy doing that, sir.
I end the longest war in American history and they keep harping on this chickenshit! You know who's behind this, don't you -- it's Teddy Kennedy! He drowns a broad in his car and he can't run for president.
He got pretty burned at Chappaquiddick.
What about England?
It'll never wash. Pardoning them means we're guilty. The people, the press will go nuts.
I don't know, I don't know ... I just know we've made too many enemies.
Sir, Bob and I are gonna have to testify before Earvin's committee.
No, you're not! You're going to claim executive privilege and you're going to stonewall it all the way -- plead the Fifth Amendment. I don't give a shit. They can't force the President's people to testify.
Executive privilege will make it look like we're covering up.
This is June twentieth?
Sorry ...
... Y'know Al, if Hoover was alive none of this would've happened. He would've protected the President.
Mr. Hoover was a realist.
I trusted Mitchell. It was that damn big mouth wife of his.
At least Mitchell stood up to it.
May I say something, Mr. President?
There's no secrets here, Al.
No, sir, you did not.
You're all set, sir. Just push this button. Good night, Mr. President.
You know, Al, men in your profession ... you give 'em a pistol and you leave the room.
I don't have a pistol.
Exactly! We've got to take the war to them. Hit 'em where it hurts -- right in the nuts. More assassinations, more killings. Right, Al?
That's what they're doing.
It's the President's personal property! I will never give up my tapes to a bunch of Kennedy-loving Harvard Democrat cocksuckers!
This could trigger the impeachment. They'll go to the Supreme Court next.
Let 'em try! I appointed three of those bastards! I'm not giving 'em my tapes!
Can the president afford to ignore a subpoena?
Who the fuck does Cox think he is? I never made a dime from public office! I'm honest. My dad died broke. You know the sonofabitch went to law school with Jack Kennedy? ... The last gasp of the Establishment! They got the hell kicked out of 'em in the election, so now they gotta squeal about Watergate 'cause we were the first real
Congress is considering four articles of impeachment, sir.
About a dozen.
Who?
Cox! Fire him.
Richardson won't do that. He'll resign.
... an action that will at last, once and for all, show that what I knew and what I did with regard to the Watergate break-in and cover-up were just as I have described them to you from the very beginning ...
He's completely lost touch with reality.
"Victory at Sea," Al ... Henry. The Pacific Theatre. Christ, you can almost feel the waves breaking over the decks.
June twenty-third, '72, sir. The part that's underlined. Your instructions to Haldeman regarding the CIA and the FBI.
So?
Your lawyers feel it's the ... "smoking gun."
It's totally out of context. I was protecting the national security. I never intended --
Sir, the deadline is today.
Can we get around this, Al?
If you resign, you can keep your tapes as a private citizen ... You can fight them for years.
The army?
Lincoln used it.
That was civil war.
We can't survive this, sir. They also have you instructing Dean to make the payoff to Hunt.
There is nothing in that statement the President can't explain.
Sir, you talked about opening up the whole "Bay of Pigs" thing again.
That's right ...
Three days before, on the June twentieth tape -- the one with the eighteen-minute gap --
I don't know anything about that.
... you mentioned the "Bay of Pigs" several times. Sooner or later they're going to want to know what that means. They're going to want to know what was on that gap ...
... they smelled the blood on me this time, Al. I got soft. You know ... that rusty, metallic smell ...
I know it well, sir.
It came over from Vietnam, you know.
Sir?
They did what?! I don't understand. Why'd they go into O'Brien's office in the first place?
But O'Brien doesn't even use that office. The Democrats've moved to Miami. There's nothing there!
It was just a fishing expedition. Apparently it was their fourth attempt at the DNC.
Their fourth!
It's possible they were looking for evidence of an illegal Howard Hughes donation to the Democrats, so the Democrats couldn't make an issue of your Hughes money.
We feel the bigger concern is Gordon Liddy ...
That fruitcake! What about him?
Well, you know, sir, he's a nut. He used to work here with the "Plumbers" and now he's running this Watergate caper. You remember his plan to firebomb the Brookings using Cubans as firemen? He wanted to buy a damned fire truck! Magruder thinks he's just nutty enough to go off the reservation.
What's Liddy got?
He works for Colson. He used him on the Pentagon Papers. We're trying to figure out when he officially stopped being a White House consultant. After the arrest he dumped his wiretapping stuff into his White House safe.
On the list of horribles, I know what he is. And I know what he tracks back to. You say he was involved in the Plumbers?
Definitely. Colson had him trying to break into Bremer's apartment after Bremer shot Wallace, to plant McGovern campaign literature.
I had nothing to do with that. Was he ... in the Ellsberg thing?
Yes, you approved it, sir.
I did?
It was right after the Pentagon Papers broke. They went in to get his psychiatric records.
Fucking hell.
Well, why not?
Howard Hunt? ... Jesus Christ, you open up that scab ... and you uncover a lot of pus.
But what are we paying him for?
Silence!
But, sir, you're covered -- no one here gave orders to break into the damned Watergate. We're clean. It's only the Ellsberg thing, and if that comes out, it's "national security."
"Security" is not strong enough.
How about a COMINT classification? We put it on the Huston plan. Even the designation is classified.
"National security priority restricted and controlled secret."
Should we talk to Trini about paying these guys? Or maybe Chotiner?
Bob, did I approve the Ellsberg thing? You know, I'm glad we tape all these conversations because ... I never approved that break-in at Ellsberg's psychiatrist. Or maybe I approved it after the fact? Someday we've got to start transcribing the tapes.
You approved that before the fact, because I went over it with you. But ...
Uh, no one, of course, is going to see these tapes, but ...
We've got to turn off the FBI. You just go to the CIA, Bob, and tell Helms that Howard Hunt is blackmailing the President. Tell him that Hunt and his Cuban friends know too damn much, and if he goes public, it would be a fiasco for the CIA. He'll know what I'm talking about.
All right.
Play it tough. That's the way they play it and that's the way we're going to play it. Don't lie to Helms and say there's no involvement, but just say this is sort of a comedy of errors, bizarre, without getting into it. Say the President believes it's going to open up the whole Bay of Pigs thing again. Tell Helms he should call
The Bay of Pigs? ... That was Kennedy's screw-up. How does that threaten us?
Just do what I say, Bob.
Yes, sir, but ... do you think Gray'll go for it?
Pat Gray'll do anything we ask him. That's why I appointed him.
He'll need a pretext. He'll never figure one out for himself.
Christ, you're right -- Gray makes Jerry Ford look like Mozart. Just have Helms call him. Helms can scare anybody.
The only problem with that, sir -- it gets us into obstruction of justice.
It's got nothing to do with justice. It's national security.
How is this national security?
I suppose you thought the Presidency was above this sort of thing.
Sir?
This isn't a "moral" issue, Bob. We have to keep our enemies at bay or our whole program is gonna go down the tubes. The FBI is filled with people who are pissed that I put Gray in and not one of their own. Vietnam, China, the Soviet Union: when you look at the big picture, Bob, you'll see we're doing a hell of
I'll talk to Helms. Oh, Pat asked if you're coming to the Residence for dinner tonight.
No, no, not tonight. Don't let her in here. I have too much to do.
... When we consider the lineup of the world, we find there are 590 million people on our side, 800 million on the Communist side, and 600 million who are neutral. The odds are 5 to 3 against us ...
I think ... I think ... that's the sort of very dangerous and irresponsible suggestion that ... helping the Cuban exiles who oppose Castro would, uh ... not only be a violation of international law, it would be ...
He's treading water. Don't mention Khrushchev.
Meanwhile, what happens to the country?
Where are they?
Dick, you don't have to make a statement. Herb covered it for you.
Cue the crowd. Go to the woman's group. Get the bald guy, he's great ...
He wasn't protecting me. He was putting me on notice.
What? That he knew Johnny Roselli? Hoover knew a lot of gangsters.
I don't understand. Track 2's Chile?
The first assassination attempt was in '60, just before the election.
Before?! Eisenhower approved that?
He didn't veto it. I ran the White House side. The mob contact was Johnny Roselli. One of the CIA guys was that jackass, Howard Hunt.
Jesus!
And not just Hunt. Frank Sturgis, all those Cubans. All of them in the Watergate. They were involved in Track 2 in Cuba. Hunt reported to my military aide. But I met with him several times as Vice President. That's what worries the shit out of me. I don't know how much Hunt knows. Or the Cubans.
So? You wanted Castro dead. Everybody wanted Castro dead. If Hunt and the others are CIA, why don't we just throw this back in the CIA's lap? Let Richard Helms take the fall?
Alright. But why, if Kennedy is so clean in all this, didn't he cancel Track 2?
... he'd just found out about Track 2.
You never told him?
If they didn't tell Kennedy about Track 2, how did Hoover find out?
Well, one way or the other, Kent State is not good. We have to get out in front of this thing. The PR is going to murder us.
Money. Follow the money.
Sir?
... never complain, never explain, John ...
... and we've got the economic guys at five. The Dow lost another 16 points. They're going to want a decision on the budget. Sir? ... Are we holding the line on a balanced budget?
No ... a little deficit won't hurt. Jesus, they're serious. Why're we stopping?
Get that little fucker! Great tackle! Reminds me of my days at Whittier. Most of these kids are useless.
Probably flunking, nothing to do except come down here and meet girls. Henry's out there with them.
There's a poison in the upper classes, Bob. They've had it too soft. Too many cars, too many color TVs ...
Don't forget the South, sir, the West. Filled with the good football colleges, straight kids. There's more of 'em with you than against you. Not like these mudmutts.
But, hell, this is nothing compared to Venezuela. When I was Vice President, Ike sent me down there like a blocking back. They threw rocks, broke out our windows, almost overturned the car. Read Six Crises, Bob. Boy, Pat was brave!
Mr. President!
We really must go, Mr. President.
She got it, Bob. A nineteen-year-old college kid ...
What?
She understood something it's taken me twenty-five fucking years in politics to understand. The CIA, the Mafia, the Wall Street bastards ...
Sir?
And his staff. Come on, the copy they were filing from China was great.
The Jews aren't the middle, Henry. They're the far left.
You're talking too much about black Africa, Henry. It's killing us with the rednecks.
The blacks are lost, the "schwartzes" are gone ...
Gentlemen, I think it's about time for us to be getting to the airport.
You know, they all miss the point. Probably our biggest achievement as an administration, when it's all said and done, isn't China or Russia. It's pulling out of Vietnam without a right wing revolt.
I believe you're right, boss.
... but even the presidency isn't enough anymore ...
Sir?
Congratulations, boss. A great victory! The madman theory wasn't so crazy after all.
So that explains his press notices. Working both sides of the fence: Jewboy Henry, always trying to get his Nobel Prize, get laid ...
My God, my God! He talked to the New York Times?
Because they're not Americans.
Right. They don't trust! They don't trust America!
You know why they're turning on me? They're not serious about power, that's why. They're playing with power. They're forgetting the national interest. In the old days, people knew how to hold power, how to set limits. They wouldn't have torn this country apart over a third-rate burglary. All they care about now are their egos, looking good at cocktail parties ...
... beating out the other papers, chasing girls ...
You played it perfectly, sir -- cocksucker! He's going to think twice before he leaks again.
We've got to turn the faucet off on this thing. It's out of control ... You might burden just me with this in the future.
It's Helms -- it's got to be.
We could leverage Helms.
How?
... I was wondering what's such dynamite in this Bay of Pigs story? ... although it was clearly effective, because all of a sudden it was no problem for Helms to go to the FBI and try to put a lid on Watergate.
What about the documents he promised?
I promised Iran to Townsend.
Put Townsend in Belgium; it's available.
Helms wants Iran or there might be problems. All of his old CIA buddies are over there making a fortune off the Shah.
More light, chief?
... There can be no whitewash at the White House ... two wrongs do not make a right. I love America. God bless America and God bless each and every one of you.
Richard ... come with me, would you ...
Because Harold tests thy father's will is no reason to admire him. Let Harold's worldliness be a warning to thee, not an example.
Yes, Mother ...
Do not tell a lie, Richard ... The cornsilk cigarette Harold gave thee behind the store this morning.
I don't ... have them. Mother ... I swear, I ... didn't smoke.
I see ... Well then, Richard, we have nothing more to talk about, do we?
Please, Mother, it ... it was just one time, Mother, I'm ... I'm sorry.
So am I. Thy father will have to know of thy lying.
No, no! Please, don't. Don't tell him. I'll never do it again. I promise. I promise ... Please, mama ...
Please! I'll never let you down again, Mother. Never. I promise.
Then this shall be our little secret. Remember that I see into thy soul as God sees. Thou may fool the world. Even thy father. But not me, Richard. Never me.
We haven't said grace yet. Richard.
I can't ...
It's a gift, Richard. This law school is a gift from your brother.
Did he have to die for me to get it?!
It's meant to make us stronger. Thou art stronger than Harold ... stronger than Arthur. God has chosen thee to survive ...
What about happiness, Mother?
What'd he say?
What do you think? He said in life there's no free ride.
What'd you say?
Oh, no, Harold. He doesn't respond well to humor. Maybe if you talk to Mother she can ...
Hey ... you'll be able to do it now.
What ... ?
Mom expects great things from you ...
Relax, Dick, it's just me ... The desert's so beautiful, isn't it? I want to go home, Dick. Time to go home.
I'm honored, Dick, that you've come all this way out here to Virginia to visit us at last.
My friends call me "Mister President."
Robert Cushman is a lieutenant general in the Marine Corps, the Deputy Director of the CIA ... and this is what you use him for?
I suppose, "Mister President," you're unhappy that we have not implemented your Domestic Intelligence plan, but ...
You're correct. I'm concerned these students are being funded by foreign interests, whether they know it or not. The FBI is worthless in this area. I want your full concentration on this matter ...
Of course we've tried, but so far we've come up with nothing that ...
Then find something. And I want these leaks stopped. Jack fucking Anderson, the New York Times, the State Department -- I want to know who's talking to them.
I'm sure you realize this is a very tricky area, Mr. President, given our charter and the congressional oversight committees ...
Is there something else that's bothering you, Mr. President?
You're referring, of course, to chairing the Special Operations Group as Vice President.
Diem? Trujillo? Lumumba? Guatemala? Cuba? ... It's a shame you didn't take similar precautions, Dick.
President Kennedy threatened to smash the CIA into a thousand pieces. You could do the same ...
I'm not Jack Kennedy. Your agency is secure.
Not if I give you all the cards ...
I promised the American people peace with honor in Southeast Asia. That could take time -- two, maybe three years ... In the meantime, your agency will continue at current levels of funding.
Current levels may not be sufficient.
And me? ...
Firing you, Mr. Helms, wouldn't do any good. Of course you'll continue as DCI. You're doing a magnificent job.
And of course I accept. I'm flattered. And I want you to know, I work for only one president at a time.
Yes. And you will give General Cushman full access.
It will take a little time, but I'll order a search for your papers. Though it does raise a disturbing issue.
What?
Mr. Castro.
Yes.
We have recent intelligence that a Soviet nuclear submarine has docked at Cienfuegos.
Well, we'll lodge a formal protest.
Are you tapping Kissinger?
My job, unpleasant sometimes, is to know what others don't want me to know.
Not if you have spies in the White House, it isn't your job.
It is not my practice to spy on the president. Doctor Kissinger manages to convey his innermost secrets to the world at large on his own.
Mr. Helms, we've lived with Communism in Cuba for ten years ...
... But it has never been the policy of this government to accept that. And it is certainly not CIA policy.
CIA policy? The CIA has no policy, Mr. Helms. Except what I dictate to you ... I try to adjust to the world as it is today, not as you or I wanted it to be ten years ago.
This is an extremely dangerous direction, Mr. President. Terrible consequences can result from such enormous errors in judgement.
But ... if we were able to separate China from Russia once and for all, we can -- we could create a balance of power that would secure the peace into the next century.
By offering Cuba to the Russians as a consolation prize?
Cuba would be a small price to pay.
I never thought Jack was ready for the presidency. But I would never, never consider ... His death was awful, an awful thing for this country. Do you ever think of death, Mr. Helms?
Flowers are continual reminders of our mortality. Do you appreciate flowers?
No. They make me sick. They smell like death ... I had two brothers die young. But let me tell you, there are worse things than death. There is such a thing as evil.
You must be familiar with my favorite poem by Yeats? "The Second Coming"?
No.
What do you think this plan is, Edgar? A nuclear attack?
I want to see him tomorrow, Clyde.
Edgar, think twice. He works in the kitchen.
Not Joaquin, you idiot. Nixon. Did you hear what he said in Oregon? About me having too much power.
It's between Nixon and a Kennedy again, Edgar ... Who do you want?
... little Bobby.
Ummm...
It was the poorest lemon ranch in California, I can tell you that. My father sold it before they found oil on it.
My father built the house where I was born with his own hands. Oh, it wasn't a big house ...
Thank you for coming, Dick.
Winning?
Oh, my goodness ...
How about you? Are you going to win?
Can't we just talk here? I've got the police chiefs in San Diego.
Roselli? Johnny Roselli?
Yes. Your old friend from Cuba.
I never met the man.
You'll win the nomination.
Or he'll steal it like his brother. He's a mean little sonofabitch, Edgar ... He had the IRS audit my mother when she was dying in a nursing home.
Yeah, well, as I said, Edgar ...
You asked if you could count on my support ... As long as I can count on yours.
There must be a quarter-million out there, Edgar. They've been at it now for a year. Young kids just like Tricia. I don't know. Do you think they have a point, Edgar? Maybe this whole damned system of government is ...
Remember what Lenin said in 1917, Mr. President: "The power was lying in the streets just waiting for someone to pick it up." The Communists have never been closer. Now is the time to go back to the old themes, the ones that made you president. Let the Communists know you're onto them.
The little bastards think they can ruin Tricia's wedding day by dancing naked in the Reflecting Pond.
Don't listen to 'em, don't quit. Remember - Kennedy, Bobby, and King were against the war. Where are they now? Don't give 'em a goddamn inch on the war. President Johnson bombed Laos for years and nobody knew or said a thing. How the hell the Times ever got ahold of this Ellsberg stuff is a disgrace!
We can't keep a goddamn secret in this government, Edgar. They're stealing papers right out of his office.
Johnson had the same damned problem till he bugged his own office.
We took his system out.
That was a mistake. The White House was full of Kennedy people then. It still is.
Who do you think is behind it?
Well, you have CIA people all over the place. Helms has seen to that. Then there's Kissinger's staff. Kissinger himself, I believe, maybe the leaker.
Kissinger?
He's obsessed with his own image. He wants his Nobel Peace Prize a little too much. As the late "Doctor" King proved -- even an ape can win a prize with good press.
Jesus, I'd like to book him into a psychiatrist's office. He comes in here ranting and raving, dumping his crap all over the place ... Could you prove it, Edgar?
I always get my man.
Yeah, you do. I'd be bugging myself, Edgar ... Who'd get the tapes?
This damned tie ... Will you help me, Edgar? Churchill used to say to me, "If you want your own history written properly, you must write it yourself." All right, Edgar, but just don't let it come back to haunt me.
How the fuck did you know?
Injections. Even this noble sport's been fixed. Seen the guys?
Why, you got a customer?
The White House.
You're fucking me.
We're gonna be plumbers, Frank. We're gonna plug a leak.
Who we working for?
Where'd you find him?
Just don't tell him to do anything you don't really want him to do.
So, does Tricky Dick know about this?
Howard ... What the hell? What're you doing?
Mein Kampf?
"A warrior with nerves of steel is yet broken by a thread of silk." Nietzsche.
Personally I'd prefer a greyhound with a shot of speed.
Let's get the fuck out of here, shall we, ladies?
Anything goes wrong, head for your homes, just sit tight -- you'll hear from me or Howard.
Thanks, Jack. You sure throw a helluva party.
Party ain't started yet, Dick. Got these gals coming over to the ranch later for a little private "thing," y'know ... There's some fellows I want you to meet.
Like you said Jack, I'm just a New York lawyer now.
I know for a fact that the one with the big tits is a Republican, and she'd do anything for the Party.
She's quite pretty.
By the way, Jack, this looks like a pretty straight-forward transaction to me, but we should get into it soon -- just take a few minutes, maybe up at the house ...
Hell, Kennedy's pissed Cuba away to the Russians. And he don't know what the hell he's doing in Vietnam. These are dangerous times, Dick, especially for business ...
Gentlemen, I tried. I told Kennedy to go into Cuba. He heard me and he made his decision. I appreciate your sentiments. I've heard them from many fine Cuban patriots, but it's nothing I can do anything about. Now, it's a long drive back to Dallas tonight, and Trini and I have got an early flight tomorrow to New York ...
Dick, these boys want you to run. They're serious. They can deliver the South and they can put Texas in your column. That would've done it in '60.
Only if Kennedy dumps Johnson.
That sonofabitch Kennedy is coming back down here tomorrow. Dick, we're willing to put up a shitpot fulla money to get rid of him -- more money'n you ever dreamed of.
So, what's this about, Dick?
It's me or Wallace, Jack. Wallace's third party is only going to help McGovern. I need your support.
It looks like to me we're gonna lose the war for the first goddamned time and, Dick, goddamn it, you're going along with it, buying into this Kissinger bullshit -- "detente" with the Communists. "Detente" -- it sounds like two fags dancing.
Jack, we're not living in the same country you and I knew in '46. Our people are just not gonna sacrifice in major numbers for war. We can't even get 'em to accept cuts in their gas tanks. Hell, the Arabs and the Japanese are bleeding the shit out of our gold ..
And whose fault is that? If we'd won in Vietnam ...
Desi's got a point. What the hell are we gonna do about the Communists right here in our backyard?!
What do you mean, Jack?
... And now I have a federal judge ordering me to bus my kids halfway 'cross town to go to school with some nigger kids. I think, Mr. President, you're forgetting who put you where you are.
Because if you're uncomfortable with the EPA up your ass, try the IRS ...
Well, goddamn. Are you threatening me, Dick?
Mr. President, we are in a revolutionary situation. We are under siege -- Black Panthers, Weathermen; The State Department under Rogers is leaking like a sieve. And now this insignificant little shit Ellsberg publishing all the diplomatic secrets of this country will destroy our ability to conduct foreign policy.
Fuck it! He doesn't like me, John! It's your fault, Henry.
I beg your pardon --
It's your people who are leaking to the Times. Wasn't this Ellsberg a student of yours at Harvard? He was your idea; why are you suddenly running for cover?
He was, he was. We taught a class together at Harvard. But you know these back-stabbing Ivy League intellectuals, they can't ...
No, Henry. I don't.
Who are you talking to like this, you insignificant shit ...
Alright, Henry -- we're gonna go your way. Crush this Ellsberg character the same way we did Hiss!
There's no other choice.
... as the old alliances crumble.
Finally someone who's noticed! I'm a great admirer of yours, too, Mr. Nixon. You are an unusual politician. We share a mutual idol -- "Six Crises" sounds like a page from Churchill.
Churchill, DeGaulle, Disraeli. They all went through the pain of losing power.
Well, as you know, most of my staff have weighed in against this "incursion." They believe it will fail to achieve anything fundamental militarily, and will result in crushing criticism domestically ...
I didn't ask what your staff thinks, Henry. What do you think?
Exactly, sir. That is your historical contribution: to lead boldly in an era of limits.
That's triangular diplomacy, gentlemen.
Exactly, yes, Mr. President. That is my contention.
This will get me a second term. Damn it, without risk, there's no heroism. There's no history. I, Nixon, was born to do this.
Mr. President, this cannot be breathed! Especially to our secretary of state -- that cretin Rogers ... The Chinese would never trust us again. The only way, I emphasize only way, to pull this off is in secret.
That's right! And if necessary, I'll drop the big one.
You'll pick up the middle on this one - the Jews and Negros.
Housecleaning? It would be ugly, Henry, really ugly ...
But it must be done; your government is paralyzed.
All kinds of shit would come out. Like the Ellsberg thing. You knew about that, Henry, didn't you?
I ... I heard something ... It sounded idiotic.
That doesn't matter now, Henry. The point is, you might lose some of your media-darling halo if the press starts sniffing around our dirty laundry.
I had nothing to do with that, sir, and I resent any implication ...
Mr. Nixon, it is possible for even a president to go too far.
Can you imagine what this man would have been had he ever been loved?
... because people have got to know whether or not their President is a crook. Well, I am not a crook. I have never made a dime from public service ...
Yes, you always had a good sense of timing, Henry. When to give and when to take. How do you think Mao, Brezhnev will react? Do you think this is how they'll remember me, Henry, after all the great things you and I did together? As some kind of ... of ... crooks?
They will understand, sir. To be undone by a third-rate burglary is a fate of biblical proportions. History will treat you far more kindly than your contemporaries.
If they harass you, I, too, will resign. And I will tell the world why.
Don't be stupid. The world needs you, Henry; you always saw the big picture. You were my equal in many ways. You're the only friend I've got, Henry.
You have many friends ... and admirers ...
Do you ever pray? You know ... believe in a Supreme Being?
Uh ... not really. You mean on my knees?
... Uh, I hope this doesn't embarrass you.
Not at all. This is not going to leak, is it?
You know, Mr. Chairman, at Harvard I used your writings in my class.
What a waste of time. My writings mean absolutely nothing.
But your writings have changed the world, Mr. Chairman.
Fung pi! I've only managed to change a few things around the city of Beijing. I want to know your secret.
Secret, Mr. Chairman?
I was asleep, Mr. President. What can I get you?
Just ... uh ... you know.
Do you miss Cuba, Manolo?
Yes, Mr. President.
We let you down, didn't we. Your people.
That was Mr. Kennedy.
He was a politician.
Did you cry when he died?
Yes.
Why?
I don't know. He made me see the stars ...
I must say you look very good, Mr. Chairman.
Looks can be deceiving ...
Don't ever trust them. They never tell the truth or honor their commitments. Vietnamese are like Russians. Both are dogs.
Mr. Chairman, there is an old saying: The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
You know, I voted for you in your last election.
You're too modest, Nixon. You're as evil as I am. We're both from poor families. But others pay to feed the hunger in us. In my case, millions of reactionaries. In your case, millions of Vietnamese.
Civil war is always the cruelest kind of war.
Yes, well ... Gentlemen, I promised my wife. I'm out of politics.
You just came down here for the weather, right, Mr. Nixon?
So ... how's the food over there in China, Mr. Nixon?
What are you going to do about this Allende fellow nationalizing our businesses in Chile? You gonna send Kissinger down there?
We're gonna get rid of him -- Allende, I mean -- just as fast as we can. He's on the top of the list.
How about Kissinger along with him?
We can prosecute the New York Times, go for an injunction ...
It was illegal, what he did.
The lie?
And Dick beat the shit out of them.
But I wouldn't have if Hiss hadn't lied about knowing Chambers. The documents were old and out of date, like these Pentagon Papers. The key thing we proved was that Hiss was a liar. Then people bought it that he was a spy. It's the lie that gets you.
Hiss was protecting his wife. I've always believed that.
Sorry, Dick. She's a little tipsy.
You mean smashed! She called up at midnight last week. Talking a bunch of crap. Pat can't stand her.
It's a thing she does. She talks at night.
Talks all day, too! How the hell can you put up with her, John?
Rocky's full of shit! No way he's going to get nominated west of the Hudson with a new wife. He's gonna be drinking Scotches in retirement at some goddamn country club with the rest of the Republicans.
Goes to show you all the moolah in the world can't buy you a brain.
Well, he seems to have bought Kissinger.
The Jewboy's a Harvard whore with the morals of an eel -- sells himself to the highest bidder.
You're the one who should be in politics, John. You're tougher than I am. You never crack.
That'll be the day.
Let's get out of here; it's too painful. I hate it. We went bowling last weekend. Next weekend we're going to the zoo. Whoever said there was life after politics was full of shit.
Uh, wait ...
You need her, Dick -- in '60 she was worth five, six million votes.
How many?
Four. Two boys. Two girls. And eight wounded.
Jesus Christ!
One of the fathers was on the TV saying, "My child was not a bum." And it's playing like gangbusters. Hell, Hoover told me one of the girls was a nymph.
This isn't '48, Dick. They'll never buy it.
You all right?
My brother Harold was about the same age as those kids, John. Tuberculosis got him.
It wasn't your fault. The soldiers were just kids, too. They panicked.
They were throwing rocks, John, just rocks. They don't think I feel ... but I feel too much sometimes. I just can't let a whole policy get dominated by our sentimentality.
You're doing the right thing, Dick ... don't let 'em shake you.
It broke my heart when Harold died.
Get off that. That leads nowhere. You should offer condolences to the families of those kids.
... give me a break, Mary.
But it was all we had.
Edgar, wonderful to see you. Clyde ... hi.
... Somebody should shoot the little bastard.
I wanna fight just as dirty as he does.
... Use his women.
Hi, I'm Dick Nixon.
You're shittin' me.
Where you from?
Syracuse.
The Orangemen! Now there's a football program. Jim Brown. And that other tailback ... The one with the blood disease ...
Ernie Davis.
What you have to understand, Mr. Nixon, is that we are willing to die for what we believe in.
Come on, man -- Vietnam ain't Germany. It doesn't threaten us. It's a civil war between the Vietnamese.
Hi.
That's Julie ... and that's Tricia. She, uh, reminds me a little bit of you ...
... I don't really know you yet, Sandy ... What do you like? I mean, what kind of clothes do you like? Do you like blue ... red?
Oh, I like satin, I like pink ...
What kind of, uh ... music do you like?
I like jazz ...
Yeah ... Guy Lombardo ...
Elvis I like, too.
... but it depends on what I'm doing to the music, Dick ...
Uh, is your mother ... still alive?
Yeah, she lives in Dallas ...
We didn't come here to talk about football. We came here to end the war.
No, we don't! You're full of shit! You say you want to end the war, so why don't you? My brother died over there last November. Why? What good was his death?
Someone wants it ... You can't stop it, can you? Even if you wanted to. Because it's not you. It's the system. And the system won't let you stop it ...
There's a lot more at stake here than what you want. Or even what I want ...
No, no. I'm not powerless. Because ... because I understand the system. I believe I can control it. Maybe not control it totally. But ... tame it enough to make it do some good.
It sounds like you're talking about a wild animal.
We got the press this time!
We gotta make 'em think we're just as tough as they are -- that Nixon's a mad bomber, he might do anything! I played a lot of poker in World War II , and I won big, and let me tell you this -- unpredictability is our best asset. That redneck Johnson left me with a shitty hand and I'm bluffing. I've got to
But what am I telling the press about Kent State?
Mr. President, the press guys asked if you could come back for a minute.
No, they want you, Mr. President. I really think it would be a good move.
Bernstein.
You know, Fred, they sell tickets.
Sir?
Shit, plenty of people did their best writing in prison. Gandhi, Lenin ...
That's right.
What's in there?
POWs. And their families.
So I'm supposed to be ...
Compassionate. Grateful.
Proud?
Sir?
Of them.
Yes, yes.
There's more ... there's more than just me. You can't break, my boy, even when there's nothing left. You can't admit, even to yourself, that it's gone, Al. Do you think those POWs in there did?
No, sir ...
And this?! Good Lord, have you lost your mind? Nixon can't say this. "Niggers"!
Or we could write "expletive deleted."
We lost ...
I know ...
It makes us human ...
It's not fair, Buddy. I can take the insults; I can take the name-calling. But I can't take the losing. I hate it.
We don't have to put ourselves through this again, Dick.
What do you mean? We worked for it. We earned it. It's ours.
It is. We know that. And it's enough that we know. Just think of the girls. They're still young. We never see them. I lost my parents. I don't want them to lose theirs; I don't want them to grow up without a mother and father ...
Maybe I should get out of the game. What do you think, Buddy? Go back to being a lawyer and end up with something solid, some money at the end of the line ... You know, I keep thinking of my old man tonight. He was a failure, too.
You're not a failure, Dick.
Thank you, Fidel Castro.
You're not going to blame this on Castro, are you?
I sure am. The goddamned missile crisis united the whole country behind Kennedy. And he was supporting Brown. People were scared, that's why.
I suppose Castro staged the whole thing just to beat you.
Don't you want to listen to Brown's victory speech?
No. I'm not going to listen to any more speeches ever again.
Amen to that.
It's over, Dick.
I'll concede in the morning.
What are you saying? What are you talking about?
I want a divorce.
My God -- divorce? What about the girls?
The girls will grow up. They only know you from television anyway.
It would ruin us, Buddy, our family.
You're ruining us. If we stay with you, you'll take us down with you. This isn't political, Dick. This is our life.
Everything's political, for Christ's sake! I'm political. And you're political, too!
This is just what they want, Buddy. Don't you see it? They want to drive us apart. To beat us. We can't let them do it. We've been through too much together, Buddy ... We belong together.
Dick, don't...
We can be happy. We really can. We love you, Dick. The girls and I...
I'll do it. No more.
Are you serious?
Yeah ... I'm out.
Is that the truth?
Dick, you should call Bobby.
He doesn't want me at the funeral.
You don't have to go.
De Gaulle's gonna be there. And Macmillan. And Adenauer. Nixon can't not be there.
Then call him. I'm sure it was an oversight.
No. It's his way. He hates me. Him and Teddy. They always hated me.
Were you planning to tell me?
Buddy? ...
You should be going ... the primaries are soon, aren't they? New Hampshire ...
They love you, Buddy. They need you, too.
I don't want them to love me.
It was our dream, too, Buddy, together ... always.
Do you really want this, Dick?
This. Above all.
Yes ... you know it! Yes ... I will. Yeah!
Then I'll be there for you.
You're the strongest woman I ever met. I love you, Buddy.
Can I just ask for one thing?
Anything.
He looked old, didn't he?
Hi, Buddy. What are you doing in here?
I've missed you.
Are you okay?
Why don't we go down to Key Biscayne together? Just the two of us.
Because ... I have to relax.
I was thinking tonight -- do you remember, Dick? Do you remember when you used to drive me on dates with the other boys? You didn't want to let me out of your sight.
Yeah, sure, a long time ago.
I don't need that, Buddy. I'm not Jack Kennedy.
No, you're not. So stop comparing yourself to him. You have no reason to ... You have everything you ever wanted. You've earned it. Why can't you just enjoy it?
I do. I do. In my own way.
Then what are you scared of, honey?
I'm not scared, Buddy. You don't understand. They're playing for keeps, Buddy. The press, the kids, the liberals -- they're out there, trying to figure out how to tear me down.
They're all your enemies?
Yes!
You personally?
Yes! This is about me. Why can't you understand that, you of all people? It's not the war -- it's Nixon! They want to destroy Nixon! And if I expose myself even the slightest bit they'll tear my insides out. Do you want that? Do you want to see that, Buddy? It's not pretty.
Sometimes I think that's what you want.
No, I don't. I'm not Jack ...
Penny for your thoughts.
Is that adjusted for inflation? Think of the life Mao's led. In '52 I called him a monster. Now he could be our most important ally. Only Nixon could've done that.
Congratulations, Dick.
Not for the Pentagon it isn't. I'm kissing Mao's ass. And the press is gonna find some way to shaft Nixon on this one.
Yes.
When?
Tomorrow.
Ron told me that Bob Haldeman's been calling. But you won't talk to him ... if he's convicted, will you pardon him?
What exactly did you want to discuss, Pat?
You. What' you're doing --
And what am I doing?
I wish I knew. You're hiding.
Hiding what?
I'm the only left, Dick. If you don't talk to me, you ...
No, it isn't. I won't interfere with you anymore. I'm finished trying.
Thank you.
Why didn't you?
You can't expect me to explain that to you.
You don't expect me to believe that for one minute, do you? Does it matter what's on them? Really? ... Murder, Dick? Sex? Your secrets, your fantasies? Or just me and you and ...
Don't be ridiculous!
I remember Alger Hiss. I know how ugly you can be -- you're capable of anything. But you see, it doesn't really matter, at the end of the day, what's on them. Because you have absolutely no remorse. No concept of remorse. You want the tapes to get out, you want them to see you at your worst ...
And what would I find out that I haven't known for years. What makes it so damn sad is that you couldn't confide in any of us. You had to make a record ... for the whole world.
They were for me. They're mine.
It'll be over soon.
No ... it's just going to start now ... If I could just ... If I could just ... sleep.
Howya doin'! New York treating you okay? I'm sorry I haven't been able to see you at all--
Oh, Happy! Dick Nixon ... You remember him.
Hi, Happy. Well, you're obviously making him happy.
Repartee, Dick -- very good. Hey, I feel ten years younger! It makes a helluva difference, let me tell ya! How's the lawyer life?
Never made so much money in my life. But my upbringing doesn't allow me to enjoy it. I did get to argue a case before the Supreme Court.
Won or lost?
Lost.
But being out of the game gives me time to write.
To what?
Write. You know, a book. I'm calling it "Six Crises." It's a good thing, Rocky -- take some time off to write.
Hiya, fellow ... What were they?
What?
The "crises"?
"Checkers" of course, Hiss, Ike's heart attack, Venezuela, the Kitchen Debate, and Kennedy.
Sounds like you got a crisis syndrome. Aren't you exaggerating a bit, Dick? Call it three-and-a-half, maybe four ...
Let's wait and see how you survive your first crisis, Rocky ...
Whatcha mean by that?
Well, in any case, Rocky, I'll send you my book. "Six Crises."
Whatcha predicting -- your boy Goldwater going to split the party?
Some say you are, Rocky.
Hey, you know Henry Kissinger -- he's down from Harvard. On my staff, foreign policy whiz ...
No, but I liked your book on nuclear weapons. We have similar views on the balance of power ...
How'd you know I was here.
Who else'd be in your truck.
You heard it?
How's that?
You heard my -- you havin' fun with me?
What give you that idea. I seen one of the cats heard it.
But -- how'd you know it was mine?
How many a those things you got now?
Cats? Several. Wal. Depends what you mean by got. Some are half-wild, and some are just outlaws.
How you been, Ellis?
You lookin' at it. I got to say you look older.
I am older.
Got a letter from your wife. She writes pretty regular, tells me the family news.
Didn't know there was any.
Want a cup?
'Predate it.
How fresh is this coffee?
That man that shot you died in prison.
In Angola. Yeah.
What would you a done if he'd been released?
I don't know. Nothin'. Wouldn't be no point to it.
I'm kindly surprised to hear you say that.
...Your granddad never asked me to sign on as deputy. I done that my own self. Loretta says you're quittin'.
Yes, you've circled round.
How come're you doin that?
...I always thought when I got older God would sort of come into my life in some way. He didn't. I don't blame him. If I was him I'd have the same opinion about me that he does.
You don't know what he thinks.
...Shot down on his own porch there in Hudspeth County. There was seven or eight of 'em come to the house. Wantin' this and wantin' that. Mac went back in and got his shotgun but they was way ahead of him. Shot him down in his own doorway. Aunt Ella run out and tried to stop the bleedin'. Him tryin to get hold of
When did he die?
Nineteen zero and nine.
No, I mean was it right away or in the night or when was it.
...What you got ain't nothin' new. This country is hard on people. Hard and crazy. Got the devil in it yet folks never seem to hold it to account.
Most don't.
You're discouraged.
I'm... discouraged.
I thought maybe she was with your boy there.
No ID in her room?
No money in his room there?
Couple hundred on his person. Those hombres would've taken the stash.
I suppose. Though they was leavin' in a hurry.
It's all the goddamned money, Ed Tom. The money and the drugs. It's just goddamned beyond everything. What is it mean? What is it leading to?
Yes.
If you'd a told me twenty years ago I'd see children walkin' the streets of our Texas towns with green hair and bones in their noses I just flat out wouldn't of believed you.
Signs and wonders. But I think once you stop hearin' sir and madam the rest is soon to follow.
It's the tide. It's the dismal tide. It is not the one thing.
...I don't know what I do feel like.
Try "old" on for size.
None of that explains your man though.
Uh-huh.
He is just a goddamn homicidal lunatic, Ed Tom.
I'm not sure he's a lunatic.
Well what would you call him.
I don't know. Sometimes I think he's pretty much a ghost.
He's real all right.
Oh yes.
All that at the Eagle Hotel. It's beyond everything.
Yes, he has some hard bark on him.
Hard to believe.
Don't know why I did. I told you, I don't know where he is.
You ain't heard from him?
No I ain't.
Nothin'?
Not word one.
Would you tell me if you had?
Well, I don't know. He don't need any trouble from you.
It's not me he's in trouble with.
Who's he in trouble with then?
Some pretty bad people.
Llewelyn can take care of hisself.
These people will kill him, Carla Jean. They won't quit.
He won't neither. He never has.
I wish I could say that was in his favor. But I have to say I don't think it is.
Why you tellin' me that, Sheriff?
Who's Charlie Walser. Oh! Well, I, uh... True story? I couldn't swear to ever detail but... it's certainly true that it is a story.
Yes ma'am?
If I tell you where Llewelyn's headed, you promise it'll be just you goes and talks with him -- you and nobody else?
Yes ma'am, I do.
Llewelyn would never ask for help. He never thinks he needs any.
Carla Jean...
You wouldn't think a car would burn like that.
Does that look to you like about a '77 Ford, Wendell?
It could be.
I'd say it is. Not a doubt in my mind.
The old boy shot by the highway?
Yessir, his vehicle. Man killed Lamar's deputy, took his car, killed someone on the highway, swapped for his car, and now here it is and he's swapped again for god knows what.
Well. Old age flattens a man.
Yessir. But then there's this other. He nods up the ridge away from the highway.
...You ride Winston.
You sure?
I know this truck. Belongs to a feller named Moss.
Llewelyn Moss?
That's the boy.
Yes, appears to have been a glitch or two.
What calibers you got there, Sheriff?
...Somebody unloaded on this thing with a shotgun.
...How come do you reckon the coyotes ain't been at 'em?
These boys is all swole up. So this was earlier: gettin set to trade. Then, whoa, differences... You know: might not of even been no money.
That's possible.
But you don't believe it.
No. Probably I don't.
We goin' in?
What about yours?
...I believe they've done lit a shuck.
Believe you're right.
Probably must be.
So when was he here?
...Now that's aggravating.
Sheriff, that's aggravating.
You think this boy Moss has got any notion of the sorts of sons of bitches that are huntin' him?
What was the bullet?
Wasn't no bullet?
Yessir. Wasn't none.
Well, Wendell, with all due respect, that don't make a whole lot of sense.
No sir.
You said entrance wound in the forehead, no exit wound.
Yes sir.
Are you telling me he shot this boy in the head and then went fishin' around in there with a pocket knife?
Sir, I don't want to picture that.
Yes Noreen you better had. Thank you.
The Rangers and DEA are heading out to the desert this morning. You gonna join 'em?
I don't know. Any new bodies accumulated out there?
No sir.
Yessir. None of the three had ID on 'em but they're tellin' me all three is Mexicans. Was Mexicans.
There's a question. Whether they stopped bein'. And when.
Yessir.
Now, Wendell, did you inquire about the cylinder lock?
Yessir. It was punched out.
Okay.
You gonna drive out there?
No, that's the only thing I would've looked for. And it sounds like these boys died of natural causes.
How's that, Sheriff?
Natural to the line of work they was in.
Yessir.
...This month's checks.
That DEA agent called again. You don't want to talk to him?
I'm goin' to try and keep from it as much as I can.
...Could I get you to call Loretta and tell her I've gone to Odessa? goin' to visit with Carla Jean Moss.
Yes Sheriff.
I'll call Loretta when I get there. I'd call now but she'll want me to come home and I just might.
You want me to wait til you've quit the building?
...What is it that Torbert says? About truth and justice?
We dedicate ourselves daily anew. Something like that.
I thought it was a car afire.
It is a car afire. But Wendell said there was something back country too.
When is the county gonna start payin' a rental on my horse.
...I love you more'n more, ever day.
...Be careful.
I always am.
Don't get hurt.
I never do.
Don't hurt no one.
Maybe I'll go ridin.
Okay.
What do you think.
I can't plan your day.
I mean, would you care to join me.
...How'd you sleep?
I don't know. Had dreams.
Well you got time for 'em now. Anything interesting?
Well they always is to the party concerned.
Ed Tom, I'll be polite.
It ain't even three years we been married.
I got it Mama.
I didn't see my Prednizone.
I put it in, Mama.
Well I didn't see it.
No.
I ain't got the money.
No.
What little I had is long gone and they's bill aplenty to pay yet. I buried my mother today. I ain't paid for that neither.
I wouldn't worry about it.
...You got no cause to hurt me.
No. But I gave my word.
You gave your word?
To your husband.
That don't make sense. You gave your word to my husband to kill me?
Your husband had the opportunity to remove you from harm's way. Instead, he used you to try to save himself.
Not like that. Not like you say.
I knowed you was crazy when I saw you settin' there. I knowed exactly what was in store for me.
What's in the satchel?
It's full a money.
...Where'd you get the pistol?
Did you buy that gun?
No. I found it.
Llewelyn!
What'd you give for that thing?
You don't need to know everthing, Carla Jean.
I need to know that.
You keep running that mouth I'm gonna take you in the back and screw you.
Big talk.
Just keep it up.
Fine. I don't wanna know. I don't even wanna know where you been all day.
Llewelyn.
Yeah.
What're you doin', baby?
Goin' out.
Goin' where?
Somethin' I forgot to do. I'll be back.
...If I don't come back tell Mother I love her.
Your mother's dead, Llewelyn.
Odessa.
Why would we go to Odessa?
Not we, you. Stay with your mother.
So... for how long do we have to...
What'm I supposed to tell Mama?
Try standin' in the door and hollerin: Mama I'm home.
Llewelyn --
Well thanks for fallin' all over and apologizing.
Why all the way to Del Rio?
You can't afford one?
Don't wanna register it. I'll call you in a couple days.
Promise?
Yes I do.
I got a bad feelin', Llewelyn.
Well I got a good one. So they ought to even out. Quit worrying about everthing.
Mama's gonna raise hell.
Uh-huh.
She is just gonna cuss you up'n down.
You should be used to that.
I'm used to lots of things, I work at Wal-Mart.
Not any more, Carla Jean. You're retired.
Llewelyn?
Yes ma'am?
You are comin back, ain't ya?
Llewelyn?
Hey.
What should I do?
You know what's goin' on?
I don't know, I had the sheriff here from Terrell County --
What did you tell him?
What did I know to tell him. You're hurt, ain't you?
What makes you say that?
Llewelyn, I ain't gonna leave you in the lurch.
No. This works better. With you gone and I don't have the money, he can't touch me. But I can sure touch him. After I find him I'll come and join you.
Find who? What am I supposed to do with Mother?
She'll be all right.
We don't have to do this. I'm a daytrader. I could just go home.
Why would I let you do that?
I know where the money is.
If you knew, you would have it with you.
I need dark. To get it. I know where it is.
I know something better.
What's that.
I know where it's going to be.
And where is that.
You don't know to a certainty. Twenty minutes it could be here.
I do know to a certainty. And you know what's going to happen now. You should admit your situation. There would be more dignity in it.
Do you have any idea how goddamn crazy you are?
You mean the nature of this conversation?
Yessir?
I'm looking for Llewelyn Moss.
Did you go up to his trailer?
Yes I did.
Well I'd say he's at work. Do you want to leave a message?
Where does he work?
I can't say.
Where does he work?
Where does he work?
Hello?
Is Llewelyn there?
Llewelyn?! No he ain't.
What's this about?
Huh? What is...
Mm-hm.
...Where's the transponder?
...You getting anything on this?
Not a bleep.
How'd you find it?
Yeah, that'll suck some power. Over time.
What airport would you use.
Huh? Airport or airstrip?
Airport.
Well -- where ya goin'?
I don't know.
Who is this.
...You need to talk to me.
I don't need to talk to you.
I think that you do. Do you know where I'm going?
Why would I care where you're going.
...I know where you are.
Yeah? Where am I?
You're in the hospital across the river. But that's not where I'm going. Do you know where I'm going?
Yeah. I know where you're going.
All right.
You know she won't be there.
It doesn't make any difference where she is.
You know how this is going to turn out, don't you?
No. Do you?
Yes, I do. I think you do too. So this is what I'll offer. You bring me the money and I'll let her go. Otherwise she's accountable. The same as you. That's the best deal you're going to get. I won't tell you you can save yourself because you can't.
...Me?
Yes.
He gave Acosta's people a receiver.
He feels... he felt... the more people looking...
...For instance. I used birshot. So as not to blow the window.
How much?
Sixty-nine cent.
This. And the gas.
Y'all getting any rain up your way?
What way would that be?
What business is it of yours where I'm from, friendo?
I didn't mean nothin' by it.
Didn't mean nothin'.
I was just passin' the time.
...Will there be somethin' else?
Is somethin' wrong?
With what?
With anything?
Will there be anything else?
You already asked me that.
Well... I need to see about closin'.
See about closing.
Yessir.
What time do you close?
Now. We close now.
Now is not a time. What time do you close.
You don't know what you're talking about, do you?
Sir?
...What time do you go to bed.
Sir?
You're a bit deaf, aren't you? I said what time do you go to bed.
...I'd say around nine-thirty. Somewhere around nine-thirty.
I could come back then.
Why would you be comin' back? We'll be closed.
Well... I need to close now --
You live in that house behind the store?
Yes I do.
This was my wife's father's place. Originally.
You married into it.
We lived in Temple Texas for many years. Raised a family there. In Temple. We come out here about four years ago.
You married into it.
...If that's the way you wanna put it.
...What's the most you've ever lost on a coin toss?
Sir?
The most. You ever lost. On a coin toss.
Call it.
Call it?
Yes.
For what?
Just call it.
Well -- we need to know what it is we're callin' for here.
You need to call it. I can't call it for you. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't even be right.
I didn't put nothin' up.
Yes you did. You been putting it up your whole life. You just didn't know it. You know what date is on this coin?
No.
Look... I got to know what I stand to win.
Everything.
How's that?
You stand to win everything. Call it.
...Don't put it in your pocket.
Sir?
Don't put it in your pocket. It's your lucky quarter.
...Where you want me to put it?
Twelve gauge. You need shells? Moss looks the gun over.
Uh-huh. Double ought.
Tent poles.
Uh-huh.
You already have the tent?
Somethin' like that.
Well you give me the model number of the tent I can order you the poles.
Never mind. I want a tent.
What kind of tent?
The kind with the most poles.
Well I guess that'd be our ten-foot backyard Per-Gola. You can stand up in it. Well, some people could stand up in it. Six foot clearance at the ridge. You might just could.
One room, one night.
That's twenty-six dollars.
You on all night?
I'm waitin' to hear your description of that.
Good. I need everything else.
Okay.
You get a lot of people come in here with no clothes on?
Don't stop. Just ride me up past the rooms.
What room?
...Keep going. Don't stop.
I don't want to get in some kind of a jackpot here, buddy.
It's all right.
Why don't I set you down here and we won't argue about it.
I want you to take me to another motel.
Yessir, that's correct. I know 'em when I see 'em.
When did you last see him.
November the 28th, last year.
You seem pretty sure of the date. Did I ask you to sit?
We got a loose cannon here. And we're out a bunch of money, and the other party is out his product.
Yessir.
If your expenses run higher I hope you'll trust us for it.
Okay.
How well do you know Chigurh.
Well enough.
That's not an answer.
What do you want to know?
He killed three men in a motel in Del Rio yesterday. And two others at that colossal goatfuck out in the desert.
Okay. We can stop that.
...I'm wondering...
Yes?
...An attempt at humor, I suppose.
I'm sorry.
You tell me the option.
The what?
...You pick the option with the applicable rate.
Could I get another room.
You want to change rooms?
No, I want to keep my room, and get another one.
Another additional.
What about one forty-two.
You can have the one next to yours if you want. One twenty. It ain't took.
No, one forty-two.
That's me.
Waitin' for my wife.
Oh. That's who you keep lookin' out the window for?
Half.
What else then?
Lookin' for what's comin'.
Yeah but no one ever sees that. I like a man that'll tell you he's married.
Then you'll like me.
...Don't worry. I'm not the man that's after you.
...But that won't last.
What is he supposed to be, the ultimate bad-ass?
I don't think that's how I would describe him.
How would you describe him?
I guess I'd say... that he doesn't have a sense of humor. His name is Chigurh.
Sugar?
Chigurh. Anton Chigurh. You know how he found you?
I know how he found me.
It's called a transponder.
I know what it is. He won't find me again.
Not that way.
Not any way.
Took me about three hours.
I been immobile.
...What do you do?
I'm retired.
What did you do?
I'm a welder.
Acetylene? Mig? Tig?
Any of it. If it can be welded I can weld it.
Cast iron?
Yes.
I don't mean braze.
I didn't say braze.
Pot metal?
What did I say?
Were you in Nam?
Yeah. I was in Nam.
So was I.
Look. You need to give me the money. I've got no other reason to protect you.
Why would he go to Odessa?
Maybe he should be worried. About me.
...You didn't take the product, did you?
What product.
The heroin. You don't have it.
No I don't have it.
...I'm across the river. At the Hotel Eagle. Carson Wells. Call me when you've had enough. I can even let you keep a little of the money.
If I was cuttin' deals, why wouldn't I go deal with this guy Chigurh?
No no. No. You don't understand. You can't make a deal with him. Even if you gave him the money he'd still kill you. He's a peculiar man. You could even say that he has principles. Principles that transcend money or drugs or anything like that. He's not like you. He's not even like me.
Who do you think gets through this gate into the United States of America?
I don't know. American citizens.
Some American citizens. Who do you think decides?
You do, I reckon.
That is correct. And how do I decide?
I don't know.
I ask questions. If I get sensible answers then they get to go to America. If I don't get sensible answers they don't. Is there anything about that that you don't understand?
No sir.
Then I ask you again how you come to be out here with no clothes.
I got an overcoat on.
Are you jackin' with me?
No sir.
Don't jack with me.
Yes sir.
Are you in the service?
No sir. I'm a veteran.
Nam?
Yes sir. Two tours.
What outfit.
How is she?
She's in a kind of shock. I see all the signs of a post-traumatic reaction with possible dissociative symptoms.
Could I have that in American?
It's a type of altered state... it allows a traumatized person to continue functioning.
Sorry you had to see that. You were saying?
I was saying that it seems probable that she witnessed the murder, but her memory of it is gone, at least for the time being. I also think you ought to have her stay with someone tonight. Any idea who Chloe or Lonnie are?
No... Friends from the diner maybe?
Hey, Sheriff. How's everything?
Oh, you know, the usual... keeping the world safe.
...I meant your food.
I'm in a motel. Has something happened to Del? Did he do something stupid?
BETTY, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU... IN PERSON! WHERE'RE YOU AT?
IF THIS IS ABOUT DEL, FORGET IT! I'M NOT COMING BACK!
GODAMMIT, BETTY!... WHO'S CHLOE?
Sheriff, I don't...
Yeah, it was great. Really put the whole idea of "church bake sales" in perspective...
You know, Elden, some people actually read more than just the Classifieds...
I thought you said the eggs weren't...
It's fine. Mind your own meal...
You should get the order you want.
Why you always gotta embarrass me? I been eating lunch with you since grade school and you always gotta embarrass me!
They're just eggs, Elden, how embarrassing can eggs be?
...plenty
Who eats eggs for lunch, anyhow?
Okay, let's go... I got nothing for the record yet.
Oww! My arm, careful!
Ahh, what'd you do now... fall off your bike again?
No, it's nothing, I... my piranha just mauled me a little when I layed their food out.
Good God... they're meat eaters, Roy, just drop the shit in there!
I can't... they prefer a more formal presentation. I don't usually go so close to the surface, but I was...
...you are so goddamn weird. Oh, and by the way, get the hell outta here!
No, Elden, I need to...
You need to get yourself gone from my crime scene. And leave Betty alone, she's...
She knows who killed Del. Elden, she said it was a woman.
It wasn't a woman.
Yes it was. Betty saw the whole thing! Your killer's name is Chloe...
Jesus...
So, you think you're gonna find his scalp hanging in some tepee?
They no longer live in tepees, Mr. College Graduate.
Did you send anyone out there?
You bet I did. I got a squad car on the way to the reservation right now.
Bad idea...
You just go write your little story, Roy. I'll handle the police work...
I questioned Joyce about all this...
Yeah?
Seems she was pretty familiar with 'ol Del. On a regular basis, if you get my drift...
...and half the other guys in this town. Including you, I believe...
Junior year!
Anyway, so what?
So? ...Suppose Betty found out about them?
You said a woman couldn't have done it.
A woman can write a check.
So you're saying Betty Sizemore -- our Betty Sizemore -- who you were in swing choir with -- has now hired somebody to scalp her husband in her own kitchen while she watched? You're amazing.
Oh, you're sharp as a tack, Elden.
Oww, the arm, the arm!
You just don't know when to quit, Roy! You were jealous of me when I got hall monitor in seventh grade, and you're still jealous now!!!
One question, Doctor, please! You can't do this! I'm the press, I have rights!!
What if the killers didn't see her? You published her picture -- you're gonna get her killed!
No, we're bringing the community into the effort to find her.
You're lying!
I spoke to Betty Sizemore yesterday. That's right. There's no doubt in my mind, folks... she's on the run. Whether or not she's mixed up in all this remains to be seen...
That's bullshit, Sheriff! You think she's a suspect!
What the hell do you want?... Hey, Sue Ann, what's up?
We think we know where Betty is.
I see you're sticking to the diet Betty put you on...
Worry about your own goddamn lunch!
Why do I need to see this? Did he ask you to...?
Yeah? Well, she called Sue Ann yesterday from Arizona.
Come on, Elden, think about it. The driver, all them trunks standing open like that... something's going on here!
I know that...
Well, do something, then, damnit!
Oww... Did you have to make these things so tight?
Elden, let me out of here. Now! This is ridiculous, I need medical attention!
That's a nice name for what you need...
Just shut up a second and listen... That, uh... that bar in Arizona? Where you said Betty was?
What about it?
Any idea where it is?
Little place called "Williams," why?
I just got something off the wire. The woman who owns it was murdered last night. Now, I'm not saying I agree with you or nothing, but... what else do you know?
That's a lie! I figured it out! I've been trying to tell this dumbass --
Fuck you, Roy Ostrey!
We're in a shootout, Roy! Shut up about the damn fish!
We need ammo... Go check his jacket, I'll cover you.
I'm not going out there! Let's wait for the real police...
You wanna see if he has more shells, go ahead. I say we wait...
No, no, no... you don't know shit about procedure! You don't send your best...
Uhh, no, we haven't picked a date yet... well, once he dumps her we will. He's out pricing banners... I don't expect him back.
"Banners?"
Need something else?
No, I was just... How you doing?
Great. Good. Content...
Oh. How come?
I dunno. Job satisfaction, I guess... How's things at the Tip Top?
They're fine... you miss it?
You must be joking.
Hmm. So, Del get that car he sold you up and running yet?
Oh, yeah, he's got things up and running, alright...
'Kay, good. Bye, then...
Who are these idiots?
This is Roy Ostrey, he's a reporter. And this is Sheriff Ballard. We all went to Fair Oaks High together...
...I s'pose you did that so I could take my sweater off or something.
Do you know who I am?
...I... I know what you are.
Do you know why I'm here?
You really... didn't have anything to do with what Del was doing, did you?
I have no idea what he was mixed up in... it was always something.
So you weren't involved with him in his pathetic attempt to diversify? Were you mixed up in the drugs, Betty?
Drugs? God, no! I'm totally against drugs.
...well, if you're not going to slit my throat, why'd you come up here?
...I never meet people like you. I'm a garbageman of the human condition. I deal with trash, mostly, people willing to trade any part of themselves for a few more minutes of their rotten lives. But you... you're different.
I am?
I'm appreciably older than you, but my health is good. I take care of myself, and I got some money socked away. You'd never have to work again, that's for sure. I'd treat you like a queen.
Umm, I don't think that...
Wait. Let me get this out. I like the symphony, walks in the rain, sunsets, animals and children. I read passionately, and I like to discuss things. I'm basically conservative, but flexible. I've been involved in the death of thirty- two people, but I can live with that because the world is lighter by thirty- two pieces of shit, excuse my language.
"Thirty-two?"
Well, thirty-three, but I'm not counting Del, on account of you... so, what do you think? You probably feel I'm flattering myself to see us together.
I don't feel that, no. I just... I'm not really who you think I am.
I wrote that when I was twelve... where'd you get that?!
I know. I borrowed it from your grandparents because I... I... it doesn't matter. Don't worry, they're fine... Look, I used to feel that same way, said practically those same words, sitting at night in a foxhole in Korea... I've chased you across the country, Betty, and I come to find out we're a lot more alike than you'd think.
I thought you were a garbageman of humanity, or something.
That's my son! My son is dead!
I'm sorry.
You're sorry? YOU'RE THE REASON WE'RE HERE!
If we went out that window right now we'd have a chance...
I better go check on them.
Wait, Betty... you still haven't answered me.
Ahh, it's too late, anyway. It's too late. Listen, I could shoot my way out, maybe take one of them with me... If you'd gimme my gun back.
I'd rather not...
Betty, I don't wanna shrivel up alone in some stinking prison. No way. I've got some professional pride. And I don't want anybody else to get the credit for taking me out.
...what're you saying?
Did... did you really come here because you love this guy?
So all this... really was because of that soap opera? My son is dead because you came out here to be with that doctor? A fake doctor?
I wouldn't have put it quite that way, but...
Wesley didn't even want to come up here. He warned me, but I insisted... I have to ask you, Betty...are you crazy?
Of course, I don't know every doctor who works here...
Dr. Ravell's the finest surgeon on the staff. You must know him. He's incredibly handsome, gentle, considerate. He's being sued for sexual assault right now, but -- It's not true. He was set up.
Well, I certainly would have heard about that.
Of course, he's only here two days a week. He's also on staff over at Loma Vista.
...I don't think I know that hospital.
It's in a very pretty area that gets a lot of sun, has palm trees out front, mountains in the background...
What you did yesterday was reckless at best. You are not an employee of this hospital! If that boy dies I don't even want to think of the lawsuit that'll follow. Are we communicating here?
Yes, ma'am.
You can start tomorrow. And don't say a word about this to anyone. Is that issue?
Umm... yes. Back home.
Did you watch it yet?
Sure did. I'll tell you, if that man was any better looking it'd be a crime 'a some sort...
Yep. Hey, I got a surprise for tonight. We're going to the Starlite in style!
Oh, Betty --
I'll give you a hint. If you scrunch up your eyes a bit it looks just like a Jaguar...
Honey, I'm really sorry, I was gonna call you about tonight. Larry's got a lodge meeting. There's no way I can get a sitter this fast.
No... what about your sister?
It's all right.
You sure? Maybe next week we could...
Aahhh... So what color is it?
What?
The LeSabre!
Maroon. I stole it.
What?
He wasn't going to let us use it, so I just took it.
Oh, I wish we could just get in it and drive, and drive, and drive!
Yeah, me too.
Sorry, hon. Happy Birthday...
Let me know if you need anything, okay?
Are you and Larry happy?
Oh, I dunno... enough, I s'pose.
Then you should treasure that... you gotta hold on to whatever you got that's any good, even if it's only a little bit.
All you been through... I ever tell you what a good friend you are?
All the time...
Something bad happened to Del and me, didn't it?
Yeah, hon. Real bad. You just get some sleep, everything's gonna be fine.
Halfway where? You've gotta come home. We've been worried sick about you. Are you alright?
Sue Ann, I thought you of all people would back me up on this, you know what Del's like. How did he take my note?
Betty, honey, listen to me. A man came by from Mutual Life Insurance. He says you've got money comin' to you from Del's policy. Del's life insurance policy -- Are you with me?
Tell Del I'm sorry. I left so quick, but I need to do this.
Do what?
I gotta go.
...of course you do. You don't remember me?
I take it I should. I'm sorry.
I beg your pardon?
That's very kind of you.
Oh, you mean Fred.
No, Del.
Right, Del. Del was one hot salesman. Of cars. He could talk anyone into anything.
You knew Del?!
Honey, I didn't want to tell you at the time, but Del and I go way back. We went to school together. In fact, he saved my life. Two more minutes in that icy water and I would have drowned. But Del jumped in and grabbed me. We fell out of touch eventually, but I still owe him one.
I tried to tell myself it was for the best, that there was a reason behind it. But... Del?
There was no plan! I was just young and stupid and scared!
You never gave us a chance...
Why do they keep calling you George?
I guess we all did. You know, I didn't marry Leslie because I loved her. I married her to forget you...
Oh my God! What's Lonnie doing here?
Lyla's very nice.
Yes, she is.
She told me I was charming and relentless, and would go far in this town. And she said that unlike the other charming, relentless people she knew, she liked me.
She's a good person to know. So where did you study again?
Carleton School of Nursing. Two semesters, but Del made me give it up...
Alright, okay... I think you broke the record for staying in character about three hours ago.
I haven't been this happy since I was twelve years old.
What happened when you were twelve?
For Mother's Day, I used all my allowance that I'd been saving to take my mother to Kansas City. We got our nails done and had lunch at "Skies," a restaurant at the top of a building from where you can see the whole city. It was the last outing we took together. She died the following year.
Wow... You just gave me goosebumps, you know that? You make it all sound so real. Great improv...
I just want everything to be perfect between us.
I know. Listen, we need to take a time out here. Can we talk seriously for a minute?
Of course.
At last! I know how much you want this. You're gifted and extremely determined, but... it's not up to me.
I don't think your friend likes me.
She's a little jealous, I think. And confused when it comes to men... So where are we going?
You never mentioned a 'Stella' to me.
Didn't I?
I've never met anyone like you, Betty.
I know, that's why we were meant to be together...
No, I mean your dedication scares me...
It's easy to be dedicated, when you care about something...
Yeah, I felt that way, too, when I first started, but now... the hours, the repetition... it's not all glamour and mall openings anymore. Maybe I should've listened to my people and tried to make the crossover to nights earlier, I don't know... ...I just hope it's not too late for me. God! Listen to me, "Me, me, me." It's so easy to get
...but I love listening to you, so that's okay...
Thanks. But I'd like to hear what you're feeling...
Well, I just feel that life'll be much sweeter for you now with me around. I promise...
You know, I almost believe that... you're like a warm breeze that's suddenly blown into my life... I said that to Leslie, once, at her funeral, remember?...
I remember. You said it to her, but it was meant for me, wasn't it?
Your lines are in the script, but you can ad lib.
Ad lib?
David, I don't... Can we talk privately for a second?
Why are you doing this to me?
Well, I don't know what you had in mind, but I hope you're happy. I put myself on the line for you, my reputation, and you're making me look like an idiot.
What do you mean? What did I do to you...
Who put you up to this? Did my ex- wife ask you to...?
David, please --
I'm sorry... Oh my gosh, are you George McCord?!
But I'm David... I mean, I'm not David, but she thinks I am! You heard her... Stop staring at me... I'm not crazy, she is!
Why are you screaming at me? I mean, what am I... why am I here? I don't...
You're doing this now? After all the... are you sick? Are you going to kill me now?
Oh. Of course... sorry.
My treat. You were saying... something about how stupid you've been?
Right... I was. I was an idiot, plain and simple, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. How's that?
Kinda like you'd been saying it since you got on the plane...
I have... did it sound that bad?
Mmm-hmm. Listen, I forgive you, Mr. McCord...
George...
...George. I do. My best friend once said if you were any handsomer it would be a crime...
Thanks...
So, call me when you --
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on a second there, baby. Why do you need one of the new Buicks?
Oh, you're there. You sound out of breath.
I don't need one, but it's kind of a special night, and --
What was that?
Sure you don't want any salad?
No, I do not want any goddamn... what was all that shit on the phone about the new Buicks?
I told you. Sue Ann was gonna take me out tonight, but...
She's not comfortable in a Corsica? 'S got air and leather...
I took the blue Corsica, Del. Relax.
...like the water purifiers?
What?
Hey, the FDA screwed me on that when they changed the law, and you know it! Anyway, 'least I try shit, still got some dreams left... you're a goddamn waitress, what do you got?
I got you, Del...
...well, then you ain't got much.
Oh, I know. So, who're these clients?
And I don't need Sue Ann's fat ass around to fuck it up...
Just knock it off, 'kay? Anyhow, they're 97's, they're not even new.
It's people with no lives watching other people's fake lives.
Yeah, I guess there's nothing like watching those tenpins fall, huh, Del?
Well, are you gonna answer me? What'd you come here for?
I came for love...
You're not on that soap opera thing again, are you? 'Cause you know what that is?
It's people with no lives watching other people's fake lives.
That's right. So, if you know it, why are you in trouble?
I don't know.
Hi, Betty. You're looking good...
Thanks, Roy, you're sweet... a big liar, but sweet. I liked your editorial this morning...
Hey, Betty. Are you okay?
I'm great, good, content. What happened to your arm, Roy?
Oh, nothing, it's fine. I just need to keep it wrapped for a few...
Make sure it's elevated...
Uh-huh.
What're you doing here, Roy?
Well, I was worried about you and I wanted to make sure you were alright... and I guess I was sort of hoping I could ask you about what happened...
Oh, that... Sure, I saw the whole thing. It was disgusting!
My God... did you get a look at who did it?
Yes.
You did? Was it anyone that you...?
Betty! Boy, am I glad to see you!
Roy! What are you doing here?
You're in serious danger!
Ahh, look, right now's not very...
Have you checked the trunk of that car you're driving, Betty? I think there might be...
What's the matter here?
I begged him to let me put that on!
So you're into "Reason," too? Finally, someone civilized! I'm Ellen, what can I get you?
Shut up, Merle... Williams.
If that little weasel ever walked in here I wouldn't serve him.
I'd slap his face.
Where you headed, Betty?
Los Angeles, California.
And you called your friend, and she's telling you not to go? When I went to Europe my friends told me I was crazy.
Europe? The Europe? This is my first time out of Kansas.
I should call you Dorothy. When I left here I went straight to Italy. Everybody told me not to go. But I wanted to go to Rome ever since I saw Audrey Hepburn in "Roman Holiday," and goddamnit, I went.
Did you love it?
Let me tell you something. I got groped by these Tunisian guys who thought I was a slut for wearing shorts, it was hotter than stink the whole time, and I got some kind of weird gum disease from the water. Plus, it ended my marriage --
That's horrible!
I left my husband two days ago.
Really?
I'm getting back with my ex-fianc. He proposed to me right around here, so I guess this is just sort of a sentimental stop...
Wait, I thought you said you'd never been outta Kansas...
Oh. I mean, except for that. Yep. I'm trading in a car dealer for a heart specialist, so that's pretty good...
Nice move. Cedars Sinai?
No. Loma Vista.
I s'pose his name's David Ravell.
How did you know?
What's his real name?
Dr. David Ravell.
You mean... George McCord, the actor?
Piss off, Merle. So how you gonna find him, Betty?
I'll go to the Hospital.
What if you can't find him? What if you get out there, and nothing's the way you thought it was gonna be?
Like Rome?
Worse.
You made out alright.
Ellen, this is the biggest thing I've ever done, but I've gotta do it.
You take care of yourself then, Betty, and don't let anybody stop you...
I can't believe I remembered that, although I suppose I should. I wrote it... But that was seven years ago, and you're quoting it verbatim. I'm flattered... I think. Or frightened. What's your name?
Betty Sizemore. What do you mean you wrote it?
Well, David moved out here and started his residency. Then he met Leslie --
No, no, no. We know all that. What happened with you?
She called you 'George,' George.
What are you doing?
He has no heartbeat!
You're hurting him!!
I'm massaging his heart. I saw it done once.
ARE YOU CRAZY?!! STOP IT!!!
You don't sound like you're from here.
I'm not. I just drove in from Kansas.
So why'd you come to L.A.?
It's something I had to do. For David.
No... I don't really know where he is yet. I'm at a hotel around the corner.
You can go get your stuff right now. I'll walk you down.
No, that's not, I couldn't...
I got this apartment with a guy.
The one you were telling me about?
It's lovely... I really like your aquarium.
Yeah, well, at least fish don't use your razor or pee on the seat...
Hmmm. Sounds like you've had a pretty tough go of it with men...
Hey, Rosa... it's Betty. How do you get to this town called 'Tustin?' It's in Orange County...
Tustin? Take the Hollywood Freeway to the Five...
The Five?
Just look for the really crowded road and follow that.
Okay... oh, umm, would you mind if I borrowed some clothes?
You made it! Hey, that looks great on you. 'S classy... So, how'd it go today? You find him?
You know, the more I think about it, this really isn't David's kind of place.
What are you talking about? This bar is packed with professional people! Everybody says if you're going to get married, this is the spot to meet someone... Luckily, I'm currently off men, so I've got the luxury of not giving a shit.
I know what you mean, I recently had some trouble with a man, a different man... and David's still getting over Leslie. His wife.
He has a wife?!
Had. She died in a car accident last year. She was decapitated.
God, that's awful!
It may not have been an accident. They never did find her head...
Her 'head'?! You're making this up...
No, no! Well, see, she was having an affair with a Russian diplomat who I believe was mixed up with the Mafia...
...so, we'll hit the library first and fan out from there. They've got all the L.A. phone books, plus medical directories... We're not gonna let him hide from you any more, okay? I'm making this my personal mission.
David isn't hiding from me, I left him standing at the altar six years ago and now I'm...
Fuck the details, they're always to blame... Look, too many of these guys duck out on us, especially after they become doctors or lawyers. I see it at my company all day long! So I'm just gonna make sure you get your, you know, fairy tale ending or whatever... One of us should.
Hey, how 'bout a card for me? What is that? "Please call if you have any information on David Ravell." This is my phone number! How many of these have you given out?
How many men have I talked to?
Jesus! They're all gonna be calling me!
You said in L.A., anything goes.
Guess who I saw today.
Who?
Doctor David Ravell.
What? Where was he?!
Either you're making a fool out of me because you get off on it, or you got serious problems. Which one is it?!
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I'M TALKING ABOUT DAVID RAVELL!!
Shhh! I heard you the first time.
I spent my weekend looking for someone who does -- not -- exist. I should have been here at the hospital with my brother, but I was with you.
If you didn't want to do it, you should have said so! Is this about gas money?
Why'd you help me in the first place?
I helped you because I'm an idiot! Ask my mother, I love it when people take advantage of me! I TRUSTED YOU!! I THOUGHT HE WAS REAL!
I'm not going back on our arrangement. My word is good, and my family owes you. But I think it's best for both of us if you get your own place as soon as you can.
Don't worry, I'm looking... just taking a tiny break.
So what do you say? Can we be friends?
What are those for?
Oh, it's a charity dinner. The money goes to a good cause, but I don't have anybody to go with...
Looking for someone?
Were you with him this whole time?
Oh, God! You scared me! Yes...
Does he know you think he's real?
He is real.
Uh-huh... So, what'd you talk about?
Oh, my gosh, everything! My trip out here, what we've both been doing, you know...
No, I'm not sure I could begin to imagine... So, where'd you go?
To a party in the Hollywood Hills.
Was it a huge place? With a view of the whole world?
Yes. I'd never been in a place like that before.
This isn't fair, you know. Do you always get what you want?
No, almost never.
Are you sure I can borrow this?
No, please. Go ahead, it's your funeral...
Rosa...
Well, what if this guy's just playing with you? What if he's lying about who he is?
You should have a little faith in people.
Does he ever talk about medicine? His patients, the hospital?
Rosa, so you've met David?
Sure did! And a funny thing, Betty, he introduced himself to me as George!
What are you doing?
...this is your sweater, right?
Where are you going?
What? No, I'm not gonna let you just run out of here... You need to talk about what's going on...
You think I'm crazy, Rosa, but you don't know the half of it. My husband was, ahh...
Your husband?!
What?! That you had something to do with it?
I don't know. I'm just starting to remember it now. I don't...
Yeah, but your running away isn't going to help you with all this...
There was blood everywhere, Rosa. I saw it, I think I watched the whole thing happen... Oh my God...
These guys are here to help you, Betty.
Blake, I can handle that transplant!
We need someone with the right kind of experience, Lonnie.
Even if he's falling asleep on his feet?
Lonnie, it's a complex procedure. Why don't you observe?
I'm not some snot-nosed resident fresh out of medical school, Blake.
What can I do for you, gentlemen?
How do you do, Mr. McCord. We're trying to locate a deranged fan of yours,... a Ms. Betty...
That won't be necessary. She's staying with a Rosa something... Hernandez, Herrera. I know it's an 'H' sound... in Silverlake.
Thanks so much. You must get bothered by this kind of thing a lot.
More than you know. Is there anything else?
No, that should be more than --
What part of Dixie are you from, Duane?
Here's Ghengis Kunt and The Demilitarized Zone. Get it? They're Korean, so they're pretty hot.
You know, it's interesting. The South lost the Civil War, but they still seem to get all the glory.
Huh?
The fuck you talking about?
Even Robert E. Lee was a loser.
He goin' crazy on us, or what?
Did you know the most brutal, inhumane prison of the entire war was in Georgia?
Really. And where was that, old man?
...you can have the best damn running backs in the world, somebody's still gotta block for 'em.
If you ate at the Tip Top you did.
Oh, yes, with the coffee...
I like this. I like doing business in the home. It's cozy... Who's birthday?
All right gentlemen, let's get down to it. I need to know if you're for real.
If we're for real?
We appreciate that. But you just poured me a drink, I'd like to enjoy your hospitality for a few minutes.
Fine. You got five...
It's a nice place you got here. Real comfortable. Sweet little town, Fair Oaks. You like it here?
What do you mean?
Could you give us an example?
Of what?
I'm asking you for an example of one of these dumb fucks being a dumb fuck.
I don't follow...
You're not a dumb fuck, are you, Del?
No...
I didn't think so. So, give me an example of a stupid person doing a stupid thing. Not being stupid, you're equipped to recognize it.
All right... lemme see... okay, new Burger King opens up. These assholes get excited and start lining up. Like it's some five star restaurant. The place is mobbed. Right?
You did not just say "Injuns," Del.
The Indians, Injuns, whatever. They're always drunk and doing stupid things.
Like what?
Driving their cars into trees... puking on the sidewalk... stupid shit!
Let's see... around here that would be Kiowa, Kickapoo or Osage, if I'm not mistaken.
I... I don't know...
Well, my idea of stupid is very different from yours. So here's how this is gonna work. Would you take your socks off, please?
Oh, Jesus, please... Please, God.
Bourbon, little water, thank you.
Hey... you got a fine one right here!
Relax, we brought the cash.
No, that's ignorant. They just don't know any better.
That's right.
Stupid is trying to sell it to other people who are, by their very nature, untrustworthy.
That is so right.
Stupid is calling people in Kansas City who are affiliated with the rightful owners of the thing you stole, and trying to sell it to them. Right Wesley?
Now, that's really stupid.
You know, a hundred and fifty years ago you'd have been scalped for that remark about Native Americans. Right here where your house is -- you'd have been scalped.
Hell of a way to die.
Hold still, Del, we're just talking here... Then you grab a big handful of hair and pull as you cut. It's amazing how easily the scalp comes off.
I'm all for them owning casinos, getting rich off the white man's greed. It's a beautiful piece of irony, isn't it, Wesley?
Are you out of your mind? You scalped him!
You told me how to do it!
This is great -- just great! Now we don't know where the goddamn stuff is.
He told us it's in the Buick.
We don't know which Buick, do we?
Well, why'd you shoot him?
I still don't understand how you knew Del was telling the truth.
I saw his soul Wesley. He was face to face with his God, and no one lies in that situation. But your Geronimo act rattled me, and I abandoned my instincts. Never abandon you instincts.
I didn't. You gave me a look!
What 'look'?
That one look you got! I thought you were done, so I took him out...
I wasn't done, I was just sick of hearing him whine. And you didn't take him out, you scalped him. Christ, I almost puked, did I tell you that?
Well, why'd you have to tell that Indian story?
It's not here. Let's go.
You just gonna leave these cars sitting here like this?
Why not, it'll confuse 'em... gotta do something, now that you fucked it up.
I wanted to make a statement.
Let me tell you something. In our business you can't put food on the table if your phone doesn't ring. The guys who get the calls are good -- not flashy, just good. They get in, they get out. Nobody knows a goddamn thing. Understand? Boom, boom, boom. Three in the head and you know they're dead.
...that's a good motto.
Mmmm. Well, it was a piece of luck running into you, Duane. I thought I was gonna have to take Wesley out and hose him down. All he talks about is those Japanese gals.
We can live with that.
Del's dead, by the way. I sent him to the Great Beyond.
He's telling the truth. He doesn't know.
Should I kill him now?
What the hell was that, another statement?
Well, no one ever spit in my face before. Especially some cracker fuck.
So how do we know that car's still in Fair Oaks?
Maybe you don't appreciate the gravity of this situation. It's bad enough that we don't have what we came here for. It's worse that we don't know where it is. And now this. This was supposed to be my last job. I already put the deposit down on my boat. How can you eat at a time like this? I get nauseous just watching
I can eat because I know we didn't kidnap that woman. I can eat because they aren't looking for us. And I can eat 'cause I'm fucking hungry... ...relax. She's gonna end up on a milk carton and that's about it.
I hope you're right...
So she gets rid of the asshole and is set for life in the same day.
You think so? Joyce says she's timid.
Joyce was screwing Del.
...among others.
I'd say that about torches her credibility, wouldn't you?
No, I see Betty as a Midwestern Stoic type. Ice water in her veins. A clear thinker. Probably a Swede or a Finn.
A 'Finn?' What is a Finn?
Betty, Betty, Betty...
So what the fuck's a Finn?
Oh, for Chrissakes. It just means the kind of person who can eat shit for a long time without complaining, then cut their momma's throat and go dancing the same night.
Like... us?
Wise beyond her years, I'm sure, and such poise, too. Very, very impressive...
Thas' it, thas' it... conquer that bitch. What time're they coming?
It's not an exact science, Wesley. He said they'll be here... My Houston contact has always been very reliable.
And then we're gonna do her right here. Right?
Let's get out of here. We got another long drive ahead of us. ...the fuck where I do not know, but I know it's gonna be long.
Okay, thank you, goodbye... Keep in touch...
They said find it. Find her, find it. Finish the job you were paid to do.
Half.
What?
They paid us half. They still owe us half...
That woman could be in any one of four states. Four big states where the deer and the antelope play, Wesley! We're not in Rhode Island!
I know that.
Do I deserve this? In the twilight of my career, do I deserve this? I don't think so! I've always tried to do what's right. I never took out anybody who didn't have it coming. I'm a professional! AND WHERE THE FUCK AM I? I'M IN PURGATORY!
Worse... you're in Texas.
You don't look comfortable here. That's 'cause you don't like being the center of attention, do you? Nah. You're like me.
That was a really shitty thing to do.
What? What does she represent?! What could some cornbread white bitch from Kansas who's dragging our sorry asses up and down the Louisiana Purchase possibly mean to you?!! I'd just love to know...
I dunno... something. Why is she doing this to me? Why?...
How'd they describe her?
You know, blonde, thin, whatever...
We should go.
We don't have time to look at a hole in the ground. We can make Vegas in four hours. This one's got to be her.
It's a very moving experience, trust me.
No.
One of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World.
No... be dark before we get there. You wanna see the Grand Canyon at night?
What difference does it make? She wasn't in Kansas City, or Houston, or Dallas. We went to every goddamn place Del mentioned and no Betty. So what the hell makes you think she's in Vegas? You think she's waiting for us with tassles on her titties? Vegas is too crass for Betty.
"When I grow up I'm going to become a nurse or a veterinarian. I always want to help people and value all life, be it animal, plant or mineral..." Does that sound like a goddamn showgirl to you?
Every American should see the Grand Canyon. Are you an American?
Well, guess what? I found Betty... where she's been, anyway.
Where? Where is she?
I'm not telling.
What?
This doesn't look like the kind of place Betty would go to.
So you believed the bartender. Why?
Well... I think I saw her soul.
That's good. You're learning. But let me tell you why I know she was lying. First off, Betty would never fall for a soap star. It's beneath her.
I dunno, that lady sounded pretty sure...
No, no, Betty came here strictly for business, 'cause it's the biggest market for what she's selling. I should have known it all along. I'm kicking myself as I shave here. So, first thing we...
Wait, wait, wait a minute... that doesn't make sense.
What doesn't?
You gimme this bullshit Psychic Friends theory, you believe that dumbshit trucker, you believe this woman...
I never said that I believed...
No, you believed her, we drove all the way to L.A. so that means you trusted her that much... so why's the rest of her story suddenly so kooky? Huh?
'Cause I just don't buy it. Call it instinct. Call it 35 years of professional know-how...
I call it 'nutty' as my shit after I eat Almond Roca...
You need to remember who you're talking to...
I need to get my goddamn head examined. You can't rule something out on a whim. Or because she's cute. I've been following your whims all across the U.S. of A. and now I'm tired! Me!
Wesley...
Who's this?
What in the... What the hell is this? You've been holding out on me. All this fucking time!
It just didn't fit her profile...
Fuck the profile! That's the same guy!!
She can't be here because of a... a soap opera. Not a soap opera. That'd make her...
...crazy! No shit, Shaft!! And you ain't far behind...
...but she's, no, Betty's smarter than that. She wouldn't be here for a...
Don't Don't you talk about Betty like that. I don't care who she ends up being, you never use that word again. Got it?
Man, you have got to get some therapy.
I said 'got it?'
...yeah, I got it. Come on, you're stretching out my vest...
You were right. Del wasn't lying.
What do your instincts tell you to do now, kid?
Leave. Take this shit back to Detroit and get the rest of our money.
We could do that. I could be on my way to Florida, and you could go to Thailand and fuck your brains out.
...but that's not what we're gonna do, is it?
No... if we don't finish this job, how are we gonna look at ourselves in the mirror? This is it for me, Wesley, she's the last one. My instinct says I gotta see this through with her, and if there's one thing I've tried to teach you here --
It's to follow my instincts. And my instincts say get the fuck out of Dodge.
Not her mouth... I've spent many long hours in a car with your face staring back at me. I've seen it painted on the horizon.
This is Betty at twelve.
Very graceful. Perfect form.
I don't like talking bad about the dead, but now that he's gone I can tell you she put up with things in that marriage I wouldn't have. And yes, she, of all people, was the one who defended him. And that's why what that sheriff said makes me so angry.
What do you mean?
If anyone had paid to have that husband of hers killed, it would have been me.
...and how long did she work here?
Oh, five years, give or take.
Hmm... you two in high school together?
Aren't you a sweetheart... no, not quite. Anyway, she's been with us awhile.
But she wanted more out of life, right?
No... she just wanted something outta life. Anything. And with Del, she wasn't getting nothing. That's her husband, Del. I'm sorry about what happened and all, but that's the way I feel about all of this...
I see. May I?
If it helps bring her back, be my guest...
Thank you for your cooperation. Just one more thing... did she ever talk about getting rich?
What'd you get her?
Isn't that the point?
Seems like a nice place.
Really?
Jesus Christ!
He's waiting...
Okay, uh... the, umm, Injuns're stupid.
Alright, I admit it, you had me there. You're better than most of them, anyway... do you have a headshot?
No, wait... what happened next, Betty?
Funny, that's just what I was thinking...
Right, uhh... I feel terrible about this, we have a prior engagement at another party. But... I'd be honored if you'd come.
She makes me stretch! I got inside my character last night like I haven't done in six years on "Reason". It was a totally rejuvenating experience.
I know, George, I was there. I'm not denying that she's good.
She's even taken a job as a nurse! David Ravell's getting boring, Lyla.
We know that...
Can I have an evil twin?
No, George, we've already done that with Lonnie. The blind one last year, remember?
Oh, of course. Who can forget the Emmy? Then let me bring Betty to the set and see what happens.
I don't know, George...
I'll tell the cast ahead of time. What do you say?
I'll think about it.
It'll be like live television! Let's live on the edge a little. You and I can break the mold here!
I said I'll think about it.
Fine, but promise me one thing. If we use her, I want to direct those episodes. She's my discovery.
Actually, she was my discovery... just like you.
Hmm?
"Would you like ground pepper on that salad, Ms. Branch?" Remember?
Betty, I thought this would be the best way. You know, throw you into it...
What the hell's going on?
Is there a problem, George?
All right, everybody! That's ten minutes!
Let me try this, goddamnit! SHE'S BEEN DOING IT ALL WEEK, SHE CAN DO IT NOW!
This story is beyond belief, which is perfect for us. It's free advertising and it's gonna run for months.
I don't think she can do it. You saw what happened.
You fucked it up. Who wouldn't freeze in those circumstances? And I don't care what her problems are. She wouldn't be the first one in that cast with problems. We have nothing to lose by making her an offer.
What about me? Don't you wanna know how I feel about it? I'm the one who...
Why would I give a shit how you feel. And I got news for you. I loved your 'icy water' idea the other day... I'm toying with the idea of killing David Ravell off in a boating accident.
Jesus, don't do that! If it gets around that you fired me, I'll never land a pilot.
...what kinda car's Jasmine drive?
Ahh, Mercedes, I think. Black.
Yeah? The sport utility?
Uh-huh.
Damn, that's sweet... She really that good-looking in person?
Better.
Hey, can you sneak me on the lot?
And she always had such spirit! But, after her mother died...
Would you say she was ambitious?
You've got to be missing a piece of your soul to kill someone. That's not our Betty...
...why do you think you have to be missing a piece of your soul to kill somebody?
Because it ain't natural, young man.
You're wastin' your time, Roy.
Nothin' complex about it. Del's dead, Betty's gone. She's probably dead, too.
You'd like that wouldn't you? You've hated Betty since you were in Pep Squad together...
No... before that.
Ahh, I hate this town! Places like this just make you small... I should have never come back here after college.
I don't know what you think you'll find, anyway.
What did you say?
The driver was killed. I think there's a connection --
No, about... Are you talking about Duane Cooley?
Yeah. Why, you know him?
What do you think my father would do if I told him I didn't want to be a lawyer anymore?
Probably the same thing my mom would do if I got engaged... have a heart attack.
So how's it going with your new roomie? What's her name?
Betty. It's O.K. except I'm worn out. We spent all weekend looking for her doctor-boy. How can a big time heart guy leave no trace of himself?
So tell her to settle for the old one in Orange County.
She's gonna have to 'cause I'm out of ideas.
Maybe we're suing him for malpractice. What's his name again?
David Ravell.
God, that sounds so familiar. Ravell, Ravell... where's he out of?
I'm not sure now. She said he used to be over at Loma Vista. I never heard of it.
Hey... Is Betty still trying to find that soap opera guy?
SHUT UP! Shut the fuck up, both of you, before I kill you!
I'm the one who watched the show... I was...
Did Chloe crack?
Totally. She came apart like a house of cards. They dropped the charges...
Goddamn... how 'bout Jasmine?
You lie, motherfucker...
Mrs. Rogers? I'm Dwight Campbell, with Neighborly Life Insurance. I'm looking for Betty Sizemore.
Aren't they precious? Ma'am, she has a substantial death benefit coming to her from the tragic loss of her husband. Does she have any relatives in the area?
No. Well, her grandparents are down in Oklahoma, but that's it...
I see. And are you in touch with Mrs. Sizemore?
No. But I'm taping her show every day so she can watch it when she comes back.
Her show?
I see. Did Chloe testify?
I don't think she will. She's a slut, but I just don't think she's that mean. Jasmine'll bring her around...
Yeah?
Mr. Campbell?
Huh?
Is this Neighborly Life Insurance?
Oh, umm, yes, this is Dwight Campbell.
I flatter myself that such is the case; in my line of work it's plumb necessary. The one thing you don't want is air in the conversation.
Once again we find ourselves in agreement. What kind of work do you do, Big Dan?
Thankee boys for throwin' in that fricasee. I'm a man a large appetite and even with lunch under my belt I was feeling a mite peckish.
Our pleasure, Big Dan.
I like to think that I'm a pretty astute observer of the human scene.
End of the road, boys. It's had its twists and turns -
Waitaminute -
Waitaminute -
You have eluded fate - and eluded me - for the last time. Tie their hands, boys.
You can't do this -
Didn't know you'd be bringin' a friend. Well, he'll have to wait his turn -
Hang on there -
- and share one of your graves.
It ain't the law!
'N I'm Delmar O'Donnell.
We ain't gonna make it walkin'.
You got light fingers, Everett. Gopher?
That's right!
That's right! We ain't really Negroes!
Why don't we bed down out here tonight?
Visit those foreclosin' sonofaguns down at the Indianola Savings and Loan and slap that cash down on the barrelhead and buy back the family farm. Hell, you ain't no kind of man if you ain't got land.
...Pete?
We didn't abandon you, Pete, we just thought you was a toad.
No, they never did turn me into a toad.
Well that was our mistake then. And then we was beat up by a bible salesman and banished from Woolworth's. I don't know if it's the one branch or all of 'em.
Well I - I ain't had it easy either, boys. Uh, frankly, I - well I spilled my guts about the treasure.
Huh?!
I'm sorry we got you into this, Tommy.
How'd he know about the treasure?
What do we do now, Everett?
NOW HOLD ON, BOYS-AINTCHA EVER HEARD OF A NEGOTIATION? MAYBE WE CAN TALK THIS THING OUT!
...but try getting a decent hair jelly.
Gopher, Everett?
Well that's it boys, I been redeemed! The preacher warshed away all my sins and transgressions. It's the straight-and-narrow from here on out and heaven everlasting's my reward!
Delmar what the hell are you talking about? - We got bigger fish to fry-
Preacher said my sins are warshed away, including that Piggly Wiggly I knocked over in Yazoo!
I thought you said you were innocent a those charges.
But there were witnesses, saw us redeemed!
That's not the issue, Delmar. Even if it did put you square with the Lord, the State of Mississippi is more hardnosed.
Baptism. You two are just dumber'n a bag of hammers. Well, I guess you're my cross to bear-
This ain't no laughin' matter, Everett.
Five... hunnert... thousand... each.
Four hundred, Delmar.
Izzat right?
Damn! We gotta skedaddle!
I left my pomade in that car! Maybe I can creep up!
Don't be a fool, Everett, we gotta R- U-N-O-F-F-T, but pronto!
Yeah, look at me.
Now wuddya suppose is eatin' George?
Whuhh...
What on earth is goin' on here! What's got into you, Delmar!
...I'm not sure that's Pete.
You can't display a toad in a fine restaurant like this! Why, the good folks here'd go right off their feed!
I just don't think it's right, keepin' him under wraps like we's ashamed of him.
Uh, we uh-
Pete have a brother?
Deceitful! Two-faced! She-Woman! Never trust a female, Delmar! Remember that one simple precept and your time with me will not have been ill spent!
Okay, Everett.
Hit by a train! Truth means nothin' to Woman, Delmar. Triumph a the subjective! You ever been with a woman?
Well, uh, I - I gotta get the family farm back before I can start thinkin' about that.
Well that's right! If then! Believe me, Delmar, Woman is the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days a man!
Everett, I never figured you for a paterfamilias.
So - where's all the money from your armored-car job?
Huh. I guess they'll tack on fifty years for me too.
It's Tommy! They got Tommy!
'N turned into a frog -
Scuse me... scuse me... we're the next act...
What sat mean exactly, Everett?
Well, you'n me'n Pete'n Tommy are gonna be the power behind the throne so to speak.
I guess Vernon T. Waldrip is gonna be goin' on relief. Maybe I'll be able to throw a little patronage his way, get the man a job diggin' ditches or rounding up stray dogs.
We'll go fetch it with ya, Everett.
A miracle! It was a miracle!
Aw, don't be ignorant, Delmar. I told you they was gonna flood this valley.
We ain't one-at-a-timin' here, we mass communicatin'!
I'm just makin' a point, you stupid sonofabitch!
Y'ignorant slope-shouldered sack a guts! Why we'd look like a buncha satchel-ass Johnnie-Come-Latelies braggin' on our own midget! Don't matter how stumpy! And that's the goddamn problem right there - people think this Stokes got fresh ideas, he's oh coorant and we the past.
I'm sayin' we har this man away.
What's his name again?
You don't know where his goddamn folks from; you speakin' outcha asshole.
Finest governor we've ever had in M'sippi.
In any state.
Them straw polls is ugly.
Stokes is pullin' ah pants down.
Gonna pluck us off the tit.
Pappy gonna be sittin' there pants down and Stokes at the table soppin' up the gravy.
Latch right on to that tit.
Wipin' little circles with his bread.
Suckin' away.
Well, it's a well-run campaign, midget'n broom'n whatnot.
Devil his due.
Ass right.
Reason why he's pullin' ah pants down.
Gonna paddle ah little bee-hind.
No, I believe he's a-gonna paddle it.
Well now, I don't believe assa property scription.
Well, that's how I characterize it.
Well, I believe it's mawva kickin' sichation.
Pullin' ah pants down...
Helluva idea.
Cain't beat 'em, join 'em.
Have him join us, run our campaign 'stead a that pencil-neck's.
Enticements a power, wealth, settera.
No one says no to Pappy O'Daniel.
Oh gracious no. Not with his blandishments.
Vernon Waldrip.
Pappy O'Daniel be laughing' then.
Not out the other side his face, though.
That ain't your daddy, Alvinelle. Your daddy was hit by a train.
Now Penny, stop that!
No - you stop it! Vernon here's got a job. Vernon's got prospects. He's bona fide! What're you?
I'll tell you what I am - I'm the paterfamilias! You can't marry him!
I can and I am and I will - tomorrow! I gotta think about the little Wharvey gals! They look to me for answers! Vernon can s'port 'em and buy 'em lessons on the clarinet! The only good thing you ever did for the gals was get his by that train!
McGill. No, the marriage'll take place as planned.
Where's your ring, honey?
I ain't worn it since our divorce came through. It must still be in the rolltop in the old cabin. Never thought I'd need it; Vernon bought one encrusted with jewels.
Hell, now's the time to buy it off him cheap.
We ain't gettin' married with his ring! You said you'd changed!
Aw, honey, our ring is just a old pewter thing -
Ain't gonna be no weddin'.
It's just a symbol, honey -
All's well that ends well, as the poet says.
That's right, honey.
...Time for this old boy to enjoy some repose.
That's good, honey.
That's not my ring.
- in the gods - Huh?
That's not my ring.
Not your...
That's one of Aunt Hurlene's.
You said it was in the rolltop desk!
I said I thought it was in the rolltop desk.
You said -
Or, it might a been under the mattress.
You -
Well, I'm sorry honey -
Well, we need that ring.
Well now honey, that ring is at the bottom of a pretty durned big lake.
Uh-huh.
A 9,000-hectacre lake, honey.
I don't care if it's ninety thousand.
Yes, but honey -
I counted to three, honey.
Wait a minute! Who elected you leader a this outfit?
Well, Pete, I just figured it should be the one with capacity for abstract thought. But if that ain't the consensus view, hell, let's put her to a vote!
Suits me! I'm votin' for yours truly!
Pete's cousin turned us in for the bounty!
YOU LOUSY YELLA-BELLIED LOW-DOWN SKUNKS-
Huh?! They dam that river on the 21st. Today's the 17th!
Don't I know it.
How's this a plan? How're we gonna get a car?
To Washington Bartholomew Hogwallop. From his loving Cora. Ay-More Fie- dellis.
Who was fixing to betray us!
You didn't know that at the time!
So I borrowed it till I did know!
That don't make no sense!
Well, I'll be a sonofabitch. Delmar's been saved!
The preacher said it absolved us.
Hell, at least it woulda washed away the stink of that pomade.
A million dollars.
An' all my meals for free...
Me? Oh, I didn't have no plan. Still don't, really.
The hell it ain't square one! Ain't no one gonna pick up three filthy unshaved hitchhikers, and one of 'em a know-it-all that can't keep his trap shut!
Itta Bena, now, uh, that would be...
...Nah, that ain't right... I'm thinkin' of...
It was a moment a weakness!
They lured me out for a bathe, then they dunked me'n trussed me up like a hog and turned me in for the bounty.
It's awful white of ya to take it like that, Everett. I feel wretched, spoilin' yer play for a million dollars'n point two. It's been eatin' at my guts.
Pete, uh, I don't want ya to beat yourself up about this thing...
I cain't help it, but that's a wonderful thing to say!
Fact of the matter - there never was!
But...
...No treasure... I had two weeks left on my sentence...
I couldn't wait two weeks! She's gettin' married tomorra!
Pete... I do apologize.
Well, it's a invitation-only affair; we'll have to sneak in through the service entrance-
This is crazy. No one's ever gonna believe we're a real band.
We prayed to God and he pitied us!
It just never fails; once again you two hayseeds are showin' how much you want for innalect. There's a perfectly scientific explanation for what just happened -
That ain't the tune you were singin' back there at the gallows!
Two weeks! That don't do me no good!
Hold on there - I don't want this pomade, I want Dapper Dan.
I don't carry Dapper Dan. I carry Fop.
No! I don't want Fop! Goddamnit - I use Dapper Dan!
Watch your language, young fellow, this is a public market. Now, if you want Dapper Dan I can order it for you, have it in a couple of weeks.
Who's the honcho around here?
I am. Hur you?
Well sir, my name is Jordan Rivers and these here are the Soggy Bottom Boys outta Cottonelia Mississippi- Songs of Salvation to Salve the Soul. We hear you pay good money to sing into a can.
Sir, we are Negroes. All except our a-cump- uh, company-accompluh- uh, the fella that plays the gui-tar.
Well, I don't record Negro songs. I'm lookin' for some ol'-timey material. Why, people just can't get enough of it since we started broadcastin' the 'Pappy O'Daniel Flour Hour', so thanks for stoppin' by, but-
Hot damn, boy, I almost believe you did sell your soul to the devil!
Boys, that was some mighty fine pickin' and singin'. You just sign these papers and I'll give you ten dollars apiece.
Now what can I do you for, Mister French?
How can I lay hold a the Soggy Bottom Boys?
Soggy Bottom Boys - I don't precisely recollect, uh -
They cut a record in here, few days ago, old-timey harmony thing with a guitar Accump-accump-uh-
Oh I remember 'em, colored fellas I believe, swell bunch a boys, sung into yon can and skedaddled.
Well that record has just gone through the goddamn roof! They're playin' it as far away as Mobile! The whole damn state's goin' ape!
It was a powerful air.
Hot damn, we gotta find those boys! Sign 'em to a big fat contract! Hell's bells, Mr. Lunn, if we don't the goddamn competition will!
Languishing! Goddamn campaign is languishing! We need a shot inna arm! Hear me, boys? Inna goddamn ARM! Election held tomorra, that sonofabitch Stokes would win it in a walk!
...Yeah?
I signed that bill! I signed a dozen a those aggi-culture bills! Everyone knows I'm a friend a the fahmuh! What do I gotta do, start diddlin' livestock?!
We cain't do that, Daddy, we might offend our constichency.
Holy-moly. These boys're a hit!
But Pappy, they's inter-grated.
Daddy!
Mama said you was hit by a train!
That's a maiden name.
It's bona fide!
She's at the five and dime.
You, Zack?
Yes, Sir.
How was the flight? They take care of you okay? Long way from Norfolk, isn't it?
Yes, sir.
Listen, kid, I was sorry to hear about your mom. That's pretty rough. I would've returned your call a lot sooner but I was out at sea...
I been calling for four months.
This is it. This is where I live. I suppose you could bunk over there and you could go to school at the base.
Great.
I'm not finished. I'll only be in port one week a month and when I'm here you'd never catch me playing daddy with you 'cause it's not who I am. Like I told you on the phone, you I'd be better off in that state school back in Virginia.
I ain't never going back to that school, sir.
You got to kid. Let me spell it out for you. This is a whorehouse. And I happen to like my life the way it is and nobody's gonna make me change.
Come back here, kid!
What for?
Okay, okay. You win.
Thank you, sir!
Hi, Byron.
Zack, you little shit! You haven't changed a bit!
Hey, honey, look at this! My son! Isn't he beautiful? You should've called!
You were out at sea! Hey, guess what? I graduated. I got my degree.
I thought you quit school. Last I heard you were on your way to a construction job or something down in Brazil.
Yeah, I made some money down there, then I talked my way into another college and I did it. I wasn't magna cum laude but I did okay. You should've seen me in my cap and gown.
Ay, palequero. Never hochi in the P.I.
So what're you doing in Seattle?
Get ready pard. This one's gonna blow you away.
Zackie, nothing you do will ever surprise me, pard, not after some of the shit you've pulled.
You... in the Navy?
That's right. I'm on my way over to this officer school in Port Ranier.
Why?
To fly jets. To be the fastest motherfucker in the world. You gotta come and visit me. I'm only a couple hours away.
Who gave you this idea?
Don't be pissed. I'm on your side, Pard. I just don't want you to do something you'll regret. You gotta give six years to the Navy if you wanna fly... that's six years with the most uptight assholes God put on this earth. Officers aren't like you and me, man. It's another breed.
You afraid you'll have to salute me, Chief?
Fuck, no! Why would I care about something as dumb as that?
Hey, what did you want? A lot of fatherly bullshit? A big pat on the back?
From you, pard? Never. Thanks for the graduation present.
Who's that?
Nobody. Just a girl I've been making it with the last couple of weekends.
Great ass.
Yeah, I sort of thought so myself.
Better watch out for that kind, Zackie. You know what they call 'em, don't ya?
Yeah, I know.
Back east in Newport, Rhode Island, they call 'em the Fall River Debs. In Pensacola, the Mobile Debs. In Norfolk --
That what she was... a Norfolk Deb?
Who? Aw shit, Zackie, let's not get off on your mother again, please.
What if I want to talk about her, pard? What then? You know, that's all I've ever heard from you, since I was a kid... you never want to talk about that, man, and it's important.
That's not how she told it. She said you wrote her every week you were away.
I wrote. Not every week...
She said you told her in every letter how much you loved her, how you wanted to marry her, have children with her...
I never said any of that!
I found them, pard, and read them myself, right after she did it!
Okay, I wrote those things... and yeah, I had big thoughts of getting together with your mom... but when she hit me with being pregnant, I saw who she was. I'd had quiff lay that shit on me before!
I knew you'd make it! Where's your girl? Didn't she come?
You're pretty funny, Mayo.
Hey, baby, you could get sent to war, get your ass shot down.
Don't lose any sleep over it. I wouldn't mind being the first woman to fly a jet fighter in combat.
Good morning, girls.
Ever heard of knocking, mayo?
Hey, did you hear? Sands and Kantrowitz DORed last night. Survival of the fittest.
The whole world's a jungle, huh, Mayo? Dog eat dog down to the last one, right?
Zack, we've got to go.
Go on, Zack! Go for the record!
Joe!
Esther, do you think she's using... ...birth control?
Yes, Joe.
When did this happen?
He doesn't mean anything by it, Zack. Do you, Joe?
Are you laughing at me, dick-brain?
What's your name, boy?
Mayo, Zack Mayo, sir!
How did you slip into this program, Mayo? I didn't know the Navy was so hard up. You got an injury there, Mayo?
Where'd you get this, Mayo? This is really wonder work.
Subic Bay, sir. In the Philippines.
I want your D.O.R.
No, sir. You can kick me out, but I'm not quitting.
She may not make it through the program, but she's got more heart and more character than you'll ever have. I've seen your college record. I've never heard of most of those schools. Tell me something, Mayo. Did you buy that degree?
No, sir! It was the hardest thing I ever did, sir! Until this.
Stop eyeballing me, mister! I've looked through your file and done a little checking, and I know it all. I know about your mother. I know your old man's an alcoholic and a whore chaser. Life sure has dealt you some shitty cards! Hasn't it, Mayo?
I'm doing okay, sir.
Hey, what do you say we call off this little charade of yours over a couple of beers at Trader Jon's...? Come on, man. You're about as close to being officer material as me.
Sir, this candidate believes he'll make a good officer, sir!
No way, Mayo. You don't give a shit about anybody but yourself and every single one of your classmates knows it. Think they'd trust you behind the controls of a plane they have to fly in? Hey, man, I figure you for the kind of guy who'd zip off one day in my F-14 and sell it to the Cubans.
Sir, that's not true! I love my country!
I want to fly, sir!
That's no reason. Everybody wants to fly. My grandmother wants to fly. You going after a job with one of the airlines?
I want to fly jets, sir!
Why? Because you can do it alone?
No, sir!
What is it, the kicks? Is that it?
I don't want to do something anybody can do.
Pity you don't have the character.
That's not true, sir! I've changed a lot since I've been here! And I'm gonna make it, sir!
Mayo, are those your friends?
Yes, sir!
You didn't kick him out...? Wait, didn't he tell you what he's been going through?
It doesn't matter what he's going through. That's the whole purpose of this zoo. What matters is he freaked out for some reason at twenty-five thousand feet and that can't ever happen again.
I thought the D.I.'s were supposed to help you in this place! What kind of human being are you?
Mayo, the rest of your class knows about candidate Worley, and we're all sorry.
Sir, this officer candidate requests permission to speak to you in private.
I'm busy, Mayo. It'll have to wait.
It's important, sir!
Mayo, you didn't hear me -- I said I I'm busy! And so are you! Go get cleaned up!
What're you waiting for, Mayo? Get your scuzzy ass up here.
You're good.
Congratulations, Ensign Mayo, sir!
I'll never forget you as long as I live, Sergeant.
I know.
See you in the fleet, sir!
Hi, son.
What did you call me?
Pardon?
What did you call me, boy?
I called you Sarge.
Before that.
I didn't call you anything before that.
You said, 'How're you?' I am not a 'ewe,' boy! A ewe is a female sheep, boy! Is that what you think I am, boy?
No.
No, sir!
No, sir.
Lauder, Sweet Pea!
No, sir!
Do you want to fuck me up the ass, boy? Is that why you called me a 'ewe'? Are you a queer?
No, sir.
Where are you from, boy?
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
Only two things come out of Oklahoma, steers and queers. Which one are you, boy? I don't see any horns so you must be a queer.
No, sir.
Whatever you say, Mayonnaise.
What did you call me, Mayo?
Now when I say "understand" I want the whole group to say, "Yes, sir!" Understand?
Yes, sir!
Louder!
Yes, sir!!
Stop eyeballing me, boy! You are not worthy enough to look your superiors in the eye. Use your peripheral vision! Understand?!
I know why most of you are here. We're not stupid. But before you get to sell what we teach you over at United Airlines, you gotta give the Navy six years of your life, Sweet Pea. Lot of things can happen in six year. Another war could come up in six years. If you're too peaceful a person to dump napalm on an
I know I'm late and I'm sorry, but Mrs. Rufferwell asked us to help with the cleanup and...
Daddy, I don't want to get into anything with you tonight. I'm tired and I...
I don't know what it is. It could be anything.
Don't you dare ask me that question. I'm an adult and you got no right to push your nose into my affairs like that!
Well, as long as you live in this house, young lady, you live by my rules! You should be dating local boys.
Uh-uh! Not a chance! There's nobody in this town doing anything with his life, except what his father did, which is nothing. If I can't have more out of life than that, I'd rather be dead!
Do you honestly think you'll find a boy in that... that officer's school who's serious about marriage?
Yes I do!
Is this you boys first night of liberty since you got here?
You been through the Dilbert Dunker yet?
Cake walk. Both my dad and my brother went through it and made it, so I know I can.
Is your brother a flyer?
He was. He died.
Vietnam?
Yeah.
I had a big brother who died over there, too. He wasn't no flyer though. He was just your basic Marine Corps type. I was only twelve when it happened, so I don't remember much about him.
I sure remember Tommy. Mind if we talked about something else?
Something tells me you've been here before.
You're sure it's okay?
What would you girls like to do? Want to stick around here for a little or... or could I suggest another plan...?
Like pick up some booze and go to a motel?
Sid Worley, I think you're ashamed of me.
Ashamed? No -- I love you, Lynette. I mean that. After I leave them, I'll meet you at the motel, okay?
If you won't take me to dinner with your parents, I won't meet you at the motel.
Lynette, I told you already, it won't work.
By the way, shouldn't you have had a period by now?
I'm a little late, that's all.
How late?
What difference does it make? If anything was to happen, which I'm sure it isn't, it would be my responsibility.
Exactly how late are you, Lynette?
What do you care? Suppose I was pregnant. Just suppose it. You don't think I'd try to make you do anything you don't want to, do you?
What other issue is there, Sid?
...I'd want to pay for the abortion... I'd want to be with you through the whole thing... by your side. So how late are you, Lynette?
Hi, babe. Come on. I've got a couple of things I want to tell you.
What're you doing out of uniform, Sid? You don't want to get in trouble.
Forget that. Come on. Got a little surprise...
I can't go like this. Can't you wait a few minutes 'til I'm ready?
Sid! Oh, it's beautiful! You mean...
Let's go tell Paula! God, I wonder where we'll be stationed first. I hope it'll be Hawaii. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii.
We're not gonna be stationed anywhere, baby. I DORed.
You what?
I had to, baby... I'm no aviator. I was faking it, like I was with everything else in my life... up 'til right now.
But... but what would we do? Where would we go?
Oklahoma. I can get my old job back at JC Penney's. In a couple of years, I'll be floor manager. Oh, you're gonna love Oklahoma, Lynette. You and mama'll get along just great. Of course, money will be a little tight for a while, but we'll make it.
Sid, there's no baby.
What?
I'm not pregnant. I got my period this morning. There's no baby, Sid.
Come on, guys. It's five o'clock.
Far fucking out! I've been wanting to meet one of the Blue Angels since I can remember.
Lynette, watch your mouth! Somebody might overhear.
Paula, look at the new Poopies.
Yeah, I saw 'em. Poor guys.
See you in a month when you get liberty!
That was you guys, huh?
Hurry, Lynette. It's almost midnight.
Well, it you're not gonna ask, then I will. How was it?
Great.
Details, Pokrif. From what I saw he had an incredible body.
Yeah... Mmmm...
What did he do? Did he do anything that was different?
Everything was different.
How did it go with you guys?
He ask you out for next weekend?
No, but I told him I'd be at the Town Tavern next Saturday night, and he sounded like he might come.
I told Zack about Saturday night, too. The fifth week's supposed to be the roughest. Come Wednesday, he'll be wishing he took my number.
You hope.
You serious about having him over?
Paula, how far would you go to catch Zack?
What do you mean?
You know what I mean. Would you... let yourself get pregnant?
No way... Would you?
I never used to think I'd do something like that, but now I'm not so sure. You ask me, nine weeks just ain't long enough to get a guy to fall in love with you.
That don't justify trying to trap a boy by getting pregnant, Lynette! Nothing justifies that. I can't believe you're even thinking like that. I mean, that's really backward.
No more backward, if you ask me, than the way these hotshot assholes fuck us, then ditch us. Don't you ever feel used, Paula? Don't you ever feel like if this is all you get for your trouble then the sonofabitch ought to be paying for it...?
No. I never feel like that.
Lynette, where's Sid?
God help you, Lynette!
You're no better than me, Paula! You're just the same!
God! I've never seen anything like that in my whole life! Did you see that guy's nose?
Lynette, just keep your mouth shut until we get to the motel. Will you do that for me, please.
What did you tell him about the baby?
That there isn't one, as of today. I had my period. I couldn't believe it. He still wanted to marry me.
And you turned him down??
You little bitch! How could you? Was there ever a baby, Lynette? That's all I want to know! Did you make up that baby, Lynette? Did you??
Hey, what kind of name is Pokrifki?
Polish. What kind of name is Mayo?
Italian. My mom was Irish. I got her ears. But the rest is all wop.
Where are you from, Mayo the Wop?
Everywhere and nowhere, Paula the Polack.
Seriously.
My father is a Rear Admiral in the Seventh Fleet.
Really?
Yeah. We've lived all over the world. Katmandu, Moscow, Nairobi.
You got a girl?
I hear most of the girls who come to these things are looking for a husband.
Not me.
Yeah? Why're you here?
To meet interesting people, improve myself. You wouldn't believe the losers we got over in Port Angeles.
Do you go to school?
Think you'll make it all the way to getting your wings?
Who knows? Guys a lot smarter than me are dropping out like flies.
Just think 'I'm gonna do it!' Program yourself. See yourself making it. It'll happen. I know 'cause I just read this article in Cosmo, and it was about that very thing.
I think we're making some of the locals jealous.
Who cares? Mmmm. Now I remember. Mayo the Wop. Gee, I'm glad you're here. I've been looking forward to this all week.
I vote for the motel.
I shouldn't have done that. I should've walked.
He didn't give you much choice.
There's always a choice.
Where'd you learn to fight like that?
I don't feel like talking, if you don't mind.
You want me to fuck you? Is that it? Okay, come here. Take your clothes off. Get into bed.
Where's that coming from? I wouldn't fuck now if my life depended on it!
I don't know who you think you're talking to! I ain't some whore you brought here! I've been trying to be your friend and you treat me like shit!
Be a friend. Leave.
You stayed after all.
Wrong. I've driven a hundred and twenty miles, told a hundred and twenty lies, and said a hundred and twenty Hail Mary's since I saw you. Hungry?
Paula, I never try to fool anybody about who I am, what I want... so if even in the back of your --
I know who you are and what you want.
What do you want, Paula? What do you really want?
To have a good time with you until you have to go.
Zack, I dare you not to fall in love with me. I ain't gonna get serious with you, no way. But how can you resist me? I'm like candy.
You're better than candy.
Zack, when you're through with a girl, what do you do? Do you say something or do you just... disappear?
I forgot to thank you for breakfast.
That was great.
Want me to get a towel?
I'll get it if you want.
I don't want you to move.
I don't want to move. But somebody has to move sometime. Eventually.
You know, sometimes I wish I was one of those girls they're letting in the flight program these days. God, I'd love to fly.
I don't care what the magazines say... it's just not as easy being a girl, especially from a Catholic family. You don't know the junk I grew up listening to, 'bout the way women are supposed to think and act.
That's no excuse for not going after what you want.
My old lady swallowed a bottle of pills one day while I was at school.
God.
The thing that really got to me... she didn't leave a note. Nothing. I've always hated her for that.
Does it still hurt?
I'm sorry. I can't sit with you.
What's the matter?
Nothing. Go back to the show, Paula.
I've seen all that a hundred times.
Come on. Invite me. All day the idea of a family Sunday dinner's been coming into my head. Since you're the only one I know around here with family...
Hey, what about Sunday dinner? When're you gonna let me know?
Hi.
Are those for me?
I'm so embarrassed. I knew I shouldn't have brought you here.
No, it's okay. It was a great free meal. Everybody was so uptight I felt sorry for you.
So, after you graduate you go on to basic flight, right? Is that in Pensacola?
Zack, do you ever think about what it'd be like to have kids... a family.
No. Is that what you want?
Some day. When I'm sure I can do a better job of it than my folks.
What would you do differently?
For a start, I wouldn't marry a man I wasn't in love with.
Why'd your mom marry that guy if she didn't love him?
Because my real father wouldn't marry her.
Your real father was an Officer candidate like me?
Twenty-two years ago.
Call me during the week if you get the chance.
I'll try, but this week we go into survival training, so I can't make any promises. Well, thanks again for dinner. Thank your mom again for me, will you?
Sure. Zack, I hope you know I didn't have to show you that picture.
I'm looking for Sid.
So?
Paula, he DORed and nobody's seen him.
Why'd he do it?
Hey! You know goddamn well what happened so let's not play any games, okay?
I'm not playing any games! Go look at Lynette's!
I'd like to come with you.
Why?
Please stop it. None of that's true. Goddamnit, I love you. I loved you ever since I met you.
Come on, Paula! You were looking for a ticket out of here and you didn't care who it was, any more than you cared with the last class of candidates you and Lynette fucked your way through, looking for a husband! Or the class before that!
Yeah. You got the whole story just right.
Beware of the Puget Debs -- and we all laughed, especially him.
I'm not a Puget Deb. I hate that goddamn term!
I bet you do!
However you got it figured, I didn't kill Sid and Lynette didn't kill him! He killed himself!
That's brilliant.
How do you figure that's your bunk?
Two bucks a buckle, Perryman. Look at that shine! Boonies'll cost you five.
Hey, man, is the piss-ass money you're making off this worth the risk of getting us all kicked out of here on an honor violation?
I'll never get it polished in time. Give me a buckle, Zack.
I can't risk it.
You'd make it. He's just getting to the girls. Come on, Zack. I gotta see my family, man. I couldn't take it if he keeps me here over the weekend.
I see you didn't DOR, Mayo.
Hey, do you guys ever... feel like you don't belong here...?
How about that prick! He told me he wasn't officer material because he grew up poor like me.
He said he grew up poor?
The kid on the windy side of the baker's window. That's how he put it.
That Foley looks like he's been through a war or two.
Think there's any truth to what he was saying about those girls? Is that still going on?
Jets.
Hey, you gonna tell anybody about this?
You told us it would grow out an inch.
Could you believe those girls!
'Nellie's Nymphos!'
Look at Foley! Can you believe it!
Nice, hospitable folks they get around here. I hope she comes.
She'll come, pard. A rich socialite Oakie like you oughta be a big catch around these parts.
You okay?
Hey, you guys still awake?
What's the matter, Sweet Pea. Foley finally starting to get to you?
That isn't true, is it?
I kid you not, Mayo, I am in love. We must've set a new indoor record today. You want to know how many times we did it?
You'd better get smart, man. It's time to walk away.
What? You've gotta be kidding!
Remember what Foley said? His little warning? Those are the girls he was talking about. They're out to marry us any way they can.
I don't believe that. They're just having a good time, same as us.
Thanks for covering for me.
No problem, but who's Susan?
My girl back home. We're supposed to get married after I get my wings. She was Tommy's girl. They were engaged to be married before he died. I should've told you about her. I don't know why I didn't, except I didn't want you to think I was a shit for making it with Lynette.
I'm not your folks, man. You love this... Susan?
She's the sweetest person I've ever known. Loves kids. Works with handicapped kids every afternoon at the church. Everybody loves her.
I didn't ask you all that, Sweet Pea. I asked if you loved her.
You should've done what I did. A clean break.
Talk to me in the morning. I feel like shit.
Calm down, Sweet Pea. She seen a doctor?
No, but she's gotta be at least a month late.
It's a big religious thing with her and she won't even discuss it.
But she expects you to marry her?
So what's the problem? Girls do that all the time.
I can't let her go off and have the kid by herself and not do anything. If it's my kid, too, then I've got a responsibility, don't I?
Not if she won't even talk about an abortion.
But it would still be my kid. That's the point.
Do you know that for sure?
Okay, but what if it's like Foley said and she got knocked up, to trap you -- is it still your responsibility?
No matter how it happened, if she goes ahead and has it" Zack, there'll be a child in the world that's mine -- and I couldn't go through life knowing that and not knowing its name or where it lived.
Sid, what happened?
He's right, Zack. It doesn't matter.
Please, Zack -- go back to the barracks!
I don't get it! He's the best candidate in our class! Ask anyone! The best student! The best leader! The best friend to everybody! Couldn't you bend your goddamn standards just a little?
What?
You're fuckin' A we can do this.
No problem.
You're welcome.
What if she called the cops?
What the fuck is funny about this?
God.
There is not one thing funny here.
So what the fuck are we supposed to do?!
He said open it.
You should see the look on your face.
The fuck did you do that for?!
Stop it! Stop it!
Me. I am.
That's right.
Burning me. It's burning my eye.
I have the gun.
Yes.
Remember that.
What? What do you want me to do?
What do you think? Get us into that room.
You can. You're full of ideas. You just need to squeeze one out.
I can't...
One. Squeeze.
This is ridiculous...
Two. Squeeze harder.
I can't just...
Th --
Okay, okay! Okay.
You got an idea?
Are you okay?
The hell does she want?
Yeah, just like a half hour, maybe a little more, and your mom'll give it to you. You can wait a half hour, can't you?
You're wasting your fucking time, man, you're wasting my time. You don't know how to do this, and the longer we stay in here, the more likely she's gonna lose it and call the cops!
She's fuckin' crazy, she killed the kid! She just killed her own kid!
She's gonna handle it.
That's your problem.
Let me fucking finish this so we can get out of here.
-- posed to mean?
You're here with me, you're already on the hook for one. Buy one, you get the rest for the same price. You know that.
Get the fuck away from me.
Bullshit.
The walls are steel, right?
Not that one.
NOT THAT ONE?!
WHO THE FUCK BREAKS IN THROUGH THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE?!
We've got the Kid! WE'VE GOT YOUR KID!! What the fuck is she thinking?!
YOU KNOW HOW THIS IS GONNA GO!
Fuck.
Fuck!
Keep your voice down.
They're not supposed to be here!
This was your department, Junior.
They're not supposed to be here!
That's why the key didn't work, they changed the locks.
Fourteen day escrow, man, that's almost three weeks! They shouldn't be here for another week! They don't own this house yet!
Exactly how is fourteen days almost three weeks?
I mean, right? Isn't it?
Who is this guy?
Raoul is cool. That's all you need to know.
Unless Daddy comes back later.
Forty-five minutes. That's all you said you need. That's like nothing.
She'll call the cops, they'll be here before I get unpacked.
They won't get hurt.
What about us? What if she has a gun?
Asshole.
A guy shows you a gun, Burnham, and you insult him? Hey, who's the idiot? Huh?
Where did you get this clown?
I met him at the tables, same as you. And frankly, I'm grateful we have a little muscle right about now.
What tables? I've never seen him before.
Different tables.
It's still a good plan. It's just... got a twist.
Yeah. Kidnapping.
Not if we keep 'em here. You can't kidnap somebody in their own house. It's just breaking and entering, unless we take 'em someplace. Or something like that, I'm pretty sure.
Pure idiot.
Got her right where you want her, Junior.
Shut up.
When you said you'd let 'em go I thought she'd come running right out for sure.
I'm afraid to let you think, Junior. Things get worse when you think. Oh, that's gonna help.
She said she did.
Yes. Yes, it's all terrible ironic and amusing. You fuck. Now how are you gonna get us into that room?
Open it.
Be quiet.
We're trying to scare them, not kill them!
They're coughing.
They're gonna die in there!
Nobody is gonna die, man, will you please have the balls to follow through with a good idea? Think about it, what would you do if you were them, stay in there and choke to death, or come out?! Huh? We're just getting them to come out for forty-five minutes, forty-five fucking minutes! The worst that's gonna happen is they pass out, we drag
Cell phone.
She's never coming out.
Hey.
And we're never getting in.
Do me a favor and don't talk.
Hey man, after all we went through I am not walking out when we're this close.
Close? Are you insane? We're nowhere near close! Fuck this, I'll make an anonymous phone call on Monday, they'll find the floor safe, and I'll inherit the shit. Little piece of it, anyway, it's better than nothing.
We're not leaving. I'm getting in that room, and I'm opening that safe.
You walk out that door and you lose your share of the money.
Yeah, whatever.
I mean it!
Yeah?
Everything okay?
'Bout four o'clock.
Somebody called you?
Can we come in?
What do you want?
We'd like to come in.
Can we come in?
Stop asking me that. I'm fine. Who called you?
You don't look so good.
Your husband says you said "There are three..." right before you got cut off.
May I ask what the rest of that sentence was going to be?
Huh?
One day you will learn to respect other people's time, Lydia, one day you --
I don't have to tell you there is an acute shortage of living space in Manhattan right now and this is a highly unique property.
Third floor, spare bedroom, den, what have you. Mr. Pearlstine used it as an office.
Master bath.
The hotel guy? It's been in the papers lately. His kids are all suing each other over his estate. He was a total recluse, paranoid, rich as hell, he was worth thirty million or something, now it turns out they can't find half of it. Somebody took something didn't belong to them!
I hardly see how family gossip is germane to showing the property.
Stop calling it the property, you sound ridiculous.
Could the child please stop that?
Oh, I've seen these...
Hey, this is perfect for you... Absolutely! You're a woman, you're living alone now. Your alarm goes off, or you head glass break, or for whatever reason you think someone's broken into your home in the middle of the night. What are you going to do? Call the police and wait until they get here on Tuesday? Traipse downstairs in your sexy little underthings
That door is a safely hazard.
Working elevator. Mr. Pearlstine, the previous owner, was disabled the last ten years of his life. Highly unusual, the elevator, you will not find this in ninety percent of brownstones.
A what?
Everything's spring-loaded, even if the power's out it's fully functional.
That's highly inappropriate.
Push that button for me, will you?
Watch your mouth.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. We can still handle this. Can we still handle this?
Cut it back a little bit.
No fucking way.
We're not gonna do anything about him, he's fine.
If you think I'm gonna let my half of the fourteen million bucks slip away because of --
"Half?" What did you, take a nap in math class? Three people, three shares, one third. Four point six six six repeating.
I'm just saying, the man is a problem. And he's your problem. Wasn't me idea to bring him along.
That's right, Raoul, it wasn't your idea, none of this was your idea, it was mine, it's my family we're ripping off, it's my prick grandfather who built that fucking room, it was my idea to get the plans, I found the floor safe, and it was my idea to ask a guy who builds these rooms to help break into one! Me, me,
He puts his hands on me again I'll bury a slug in his ear.
No, you will not, because without Burnham there's no way in hell we're gonna get into that safe, so as far as I'm concerned he can paint your ass blue and run it up a flagpole and you won't lay a finger on him, you understand me?
Don't take no tone of voice with me, Homes.
We're leaving.
Suit yourself.
Nobody leaves.
-- seventeen feet wide, fifty-five feet deep, forty-two hundred square feet, four floors with a rentable basement apartment, so five altogether, courtyard in back --
Could you slow down a little? Or we could wait for the car...
No cars. Feet are faster.
How many more do we have after this?
None, there's nothing else, you know how tight the market is.
Something's weird.
What?
Makes me nervous.
Why?
Ever read any Poe?
I don't think so, but I love her album.
No, Edgar Allen.
The furniture guy?
Old Bernie didn't miss a trick with this room, did he?
Open the door.
Too many stairs.
Got us in here, didn't I?
Shoulda got an apartment.
Well, I know that now.
The phone works. Hey, I hooked up the phone.
The crowd goes wild.
478...
Fuck him.
Don't.
What's going on?!
He's going down.
That room!
What?!
Damn it!
It doesn't work?!
Can't hear a thing.
What do they want?
What do we do?
Wait.
What if they get in here?
They can't. They can't get in here. No. They can't.
I heard you.
Feel okay?
Yeah.
Shaky?
Nope.
Chills?
"What we want is in that room."
They're coming in here, aren't they?
We're not coming out. We're not letting you in. Get out of my house.
Say fuck.
Fuck.
"Get the fuck out of my house."
Oh, please.
Are you freaking out?
Small space?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
What am I, a five year old?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know, why?
YOU CAN'T DO THAT! YOU CAN'T FREAK OUT LIKE THAT! YOU HAVE TO STAY HERE WITH ME!
I am. I'm here.
YOU HAVE TO!
What, what, what is it?!
Morse code?
Dot dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot.
Where'd you learn S.O.S.?
Got him!
We're never getting out of here.
Do it.
Yeah, but where's the third guy?
If it looks like I can't get back, just close the door.
No.
What are you doing?
Strip 'em, expose the ends, try blue first, blue is phones!
Blue is phones?
Call Dad!
He'll do something.
Uh uh.
He'll know we're in trouble. He heard me, I said "There are three..."
He won't even know who it was.
What would you think, in the middle of the night? I mean, three what, three bears? He'll call the police.
Stop it.
He's just across the park, this is why we got places so close to each other, in case we needed each other, we're still a family, he'll help us...
He --
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Why?
I was trying not to tell you...
What?
Okay, listen, honey, you went double digit here, you must have been shooting out adrenaline like crazy, we gotta bring your blood sugar back up, okay? Can you hear me?
I'm dizzy, not deaf.
Hey, she's still a smart ass, excellent sign. Did you see any sugar in here? Any candy bars, anything sweet?
Huh uh.
Okay, you just gotta calm yourself down, that's all, just stay calm and your adrenaline will go back to normal and you'll be fine.
What if I keep dropping?
Not an option.
What if I spazz out?
Where is the Glucogen?
Oh, you know, it's uh... it's in the little fridge in your room.
I'm sorry, Mom.
Hey, quit apologizing, you're starting to sound like Grandma. You're not gonna have an attack. Okay?
Alma!? I uhh I don't think...
What do you mean? We're black ain't we? And we care about improving the plight of out people don't we? Or you figure oppression stops at that thing dangling between your legs!
Uhh... I with it sister but...
Little Bobby... Just a kid...
Tyrone...
Oh shit Alma... you're...
I'm okay... listen to me... Let's go with Judge, check it out.
Those ain't cops.
Alma I told you to...
No...
Okay now, er, Huey, so what's your telephone number?
I have confirmed to you my address, that's all I'm required to by law to do. We have broken no law.
What are you doing with the gun?
Lemme see that rifle son...
Well... is it loaded?
For the last time Boy!!! What do those guns mean??!!
Free? We're back where we started. Shit we still don't have a stop light.
Well if anyone's gonna protect Malcolm's legacy it better be us.
This brothers is gonna be a colossal event. We'll shut the mother down right at the capitol, in front of the cameras. Will you cool it? What's up man? What it be Bobby?
What it be is, You aren't coming with us.
What? We're the leadership, you and me. There ain't enough of us to...
That's just it Huey. The pigs don't know how many Panthers there are. Both of us show and they might start putting 2 and 2 together. We're not even two hundred strong yet... but we got 'em guessing thousands.
You got six months to donate to the party, Bobby?
You got to sit on Eldridge...
Man, El-Rage is El-Rage. You know him.
Huey!! Man you gotta check this out... You're gonna love...
Hold up a second... We got a decision to make.
What's up?
Dig it, you know those brothers over in San Fran... call themselves the Black Panthers too?
...The police report says he was shot three times but the coroner's report says quite clearly that Denzil Dowell was shot six times. And two of those shots were in his armpits. Brothers and Sisters you know why that is? Because Denzil had his hands up!!
Yeah... Sounds like the Constitution to me. With a little of the Bill of Rights thrown in...
Inspector Brimmer, this is no joke During your surveillance have you seen any outside agitators? Professorial types? Communists?
No. I've seen Black men handing out bags of food. Having meetings. Patrolling the neighborhood. Having more meetings. They ain't...
Like?
What the fuck?
Sit down, This concerns you too. I don't need to say that your department's handling of the Black Panthers -- particularly Inspector Brimmer's "undercover operation" has been a complete travesty.
You're Judge right? We need to talk.
I don't know you and I got nothing to say to you.
So... we understand each other Judge?
I expect to hear from you soon. If Huey Newton takes a crap, I want to know how big it was. Otherwise I'm gonna come looking for you. And I won't be as "friendly" as today.
Why didn't you tell us about the party you boys were planning at the capitol?
Shit man. It was... you know spontaneous.
Spontaneous my ass!! You told the press and you don't tell me. Remember you're working for us.
Yeah... whatever you say.
Get out of the car.
What's with you?
What are you crazy?
Do you know how easy it would be for you to just disappear. Shit, you wouldn't even wash up for weeks. Do you fucking understand? I want you to move your ass outta neutral. I want a bunch of Panthers served up on a fucking plate. I want you to set 'em up... armed robbery!!
I can't... they don't operate that way...
Inspector Brimmer
Yeah, it's me.
Judge, hold on, is your phone safe?
Who fucking cares? You cops killed Cy. And before you bastards kill anyone else, I'll give you your fucking set up. That make you happy??!!
Hey... what the hell you doing?
Go! Run! Go on! Get the fuck out of here!!
What? So you can shoot me? Call it resisting arrest?
I ain't gonna shoot you Judge. Look... it's over. Just run away. Get out. Stay away from Oakland. Cause it's gone... it's gone.
Brimmer you're fucked up...
Yeah... I'm fucked up. You're fucked up. Government's fucked up. Whole country's fucked up. You got no idea what's going on here. This is bigger than you and me. We're just little tiny soldiers getting moved around on some big asshole's desk. The Panthers... fuck you're history... they killed you and you don't even know it.
Who's they?
Drugs Judge, they're gonna flood West Oakland with dope. Jack you up and string you out like a two dollar whore. And while the community's shuffling for a fix, they're gonna snuff every Panther they can find.
Who? I mean besides the FBI?
God damn... Kid never had a chance...
Hey... Cy... what now you a righteous Panther man, you too uppity to drink with us?
Aaaah, Bitter Motherfucker... I almost forgot how nasty that shit is.
Well don't go forgetting your friends.
Ain't gonna happen, stay cool.
You know it. Stay Black...
Sabu, what the fuck you doing? Ain't nobody gonna push on this street.
Shit, I ain't doing nothing. White bread asks for cocaine, I take his money. Shit... you know... It was just a hustle.
Sabu... High white dude's the only thing you could hustle.
I ain't gonna tell you no more. No pushing in the neighborhood, especially not on my fucking street. You're killing your own people asshole.
Man, fuck you!!!
Motherfucker... you stay away...
Check it out... Great huh? I tell you those guys know what time it is. Man I'm with that...
I don't know. Look around man.
C'mon Judge we got to start somewhere.
Yeah, and I'm gonna start by getting on my feet. Working on things from inside the system.
Hey, this what they got you doing now?
Have to pass on the revolution today man, I got class... But how about tonight, I was gonna check out "Cloud Nine." Just like old times.
Can't... they're having a PE meeting at Headquarters tonight, come on down. Check it out.
PE? What? You guys doing gym class?
...Glad you came man.
Yeah, only I figure you'd be the one doing the speaking.
Man, did you see Huey down on Grove street? All up on that cop, that was beautiful.
Yeah, it was alright. Hey, can you give me a lift?
You got it. Berkeley?
No, Panther Headquarters. Least that way we could hang out more like we used to.
Hey, it's the invisible man. Brother where you been?
Cy... I ain't even sure.
C'mon we'll walk and talk...
Naw... I gotta...
Cy... Cy... Oh shit man... who did this to you. Was it the pigs?
Don't I know it. Come on in Agent Rodgers. Sit down. Always a... pleasure to see you. How can I be of help?
It's a bit more like how can we help you. Bay Area's become quite a hornet's nest in terms of subversive activities. And... well Mr. Hoover wants to reiterate that the FBI will be happy to assist local authorities in any way we can. On a strictly advisory basis... of course.
Of course. Well, I appreciate your offer, but we got things pretty well under control. Same bunch of kooks you guys already have under surveillance. They're still doing a lot of yelling and pot-smoking but nothing to worry about.
I see. What about the Black Panther Party for Self-Defense?
Heh, bunch of shines running around in dark caps waving their fists about some streetlight. They're loud, but they aren't dangerous,
Can you make a deal with them?
Naw... They're kids mostly. Idealists. They actually think they're for real.
You want me to put a man on it?
One: "We want freedom. We want the power to determine the destiny of our Black Community." Two: "We want full employment for our people." Three: "We want to end the robbery by the white man of our Black Community." Christ, they're asking for reparations...
Now hold on Rodgers...
I want it duly noted, that this operation was entirely under the auspices of the Oakland Police Department. The FBI doesn't have a monopoly on agents infiltrating enemy organizations, my friend. As I've said before, Agent Rodgers, we have things under control in our city...
Are you finished?
These are memos from the commissioner, the mayor and Hoover himself, putting the Black Panthers and their subversive activities under the full jurisdiction of the Bureau.
Jesus...
Rodgers... this is no good...
To be quite honest it turns my stomach.
I don't think that will be any problem...
But lots of our people don't read, man. They need strong imagery to help them out.
Yeah... then shouldn't this be all of us together.
Trust me Huey, this picture will be worth a thousand words. Now have you given any thought to that Peace and Freedom Party thing. They really want to hook up with us. Do a rally together. Hell it'd broaden our base of visibility.
Yeah, but aligning with white organizations. I'm not sure now's the time.
The time, my friend, is what Sartre called, "the moment the match is being put to the fuse." Question is, is the hand holding that match gonna be black or white.
Yes sir I was.
And did you witness the shoot-out?
Yes sir, I did.
From what you saw, did Huey Newton start the shooting?
Huh, well then... did someone else start shooting?
Did you shoot the officers in question?
...at least that takes Bobby Seale off the street...
Not good enough Rodgers. Not good enough at all. Black terrorists on the floor of a State Capitol. I will not say this again, these Negro Commies are to be stopped and now. You tear them down. Either from the outside or the inside.
We're working on that...
Granted, the Free Huey thing has become a bit of a rallying cry for the left...
Rallying cry, it's an insurrection. Seale, that god damned Cleaver, Where the hell do these guys come from?
Well, then we're going to take that power away from those bastards.
You mean...
That's right brother... listen and learn.
Shit, nothing but Paper Panthers.
We'll get them. Right now we got to worry about being armed and ready to protect Betty Shabazz. Those phonies sure as hell can't. We need guns.
We need money first...
This here's a "Panther Patrol." We see a brother getting busted. We check it out, make sure the pig don't go beating on the man. Brother gets taken downtown, we post bail, hook 'em up with a lawyer.
You're a little old to be a school boy aren't you brother. Cool it! You're probably not the only one they've gone after. Stall a little so they believe you're for real. Make them trust you. Hey Tyrone, you figure feeding our children is gonna make The Man jumpy?
C'mon let's...
Alright, I'll stay. Judge, I want to...
Huey man I got to talk with you...
So talk...
Alone...
Yeah man, but where's Judge?
That's right. We'd be proud to provide as escort for Malcolm's widow. How many men you got?
Get the brothers a beer. Me too while you're at it. Men? Well we can spare six for security...
No thank you sister. Six?!! That seems a little light. Cops are watching Betty, watching her hard. We need at least twenty men. And that's twenty armed Panthers dig? You do have guns don't you?
We put our lives on the line today. Malcolm X's widow was on the line today. And your guns weren't even loaded.
A gun's a gun man. It don't need to be loaded.
Tell that to the pigs. Better yet tell that to Malcolm.
Wait a second there brother...
You were. infantry right?
Yeah.
We appreciate your help with this.
So what's the deal?
Judge... we're doing security for Betty Shabazz's visit next week. I'd like to have someone who knows there way around a pistol there. Someone like you.
I don't know.
You are down for protecting Malcolm's widow aren't you?
Yeah... let me think about it.
Okay man I ain't going to push. But remember the revolution isn't going to wait for anyone. Come on, we'll give you a lift.
Welcome brother, have you decided to get down with us?
I'm down.
Yeah... You were a lot of help with those guns. Your soldier shit is bad- ass.
I'd hoped I was finished with all that. But...
You know, you're lucky to be back. Most niggers die on the front lines. Seems like that's what they're there for.
Don't I know it. Every brother I knew in 'Nam's dead. My company... a land mine. Twenty of my friends dead in less than a second.
Hey, GI bill pays for school. And shit, if I stuck around here, instead of signing up, I'd probably be in jail, or sitting on the stoop drinking Bitter Dog with Rose, you know?
Yeah I know. You're smart Judge. You ain't no bourgeois nigger like those Paper Panthers across the bay. I need every good man to help us with the security on Betty Shabazz, particularly soldiers. You do solid on that I might have something else for you, something real important.
Whatever you need, I'll be there.
What it be Judge. Nobody got hurt, Sister Betty's safe. This was a good day...
You were alright Judge, better than alright. You're what the Party needs. A fighter but also one that's going to school not making the man too nervous.
I don't know about that.
I do. You think you're smart enough to keep playing the game?
What, I don't know how you mean?
See, the thing about Panthers. For all their speed and strength. They are not naturally aggressive. They don't just go out killing, tearing through the jungles murdering. No, the Panther keeps his claws hidden until he is attacked, until he's backed into a corner. Then believe me those claws are fierce.
Huey, you're losing me. What are you talking about?
Me? You've got a whole lot of other folks signing up. Why me?
Aw... uh... it's was just harassment. My driver's license expired.
What's the pig's name?
Brimmer.
You got to keep very cool on this. Icy god damn cool. Cause baby, you just became the strongest weapon we got. Let me guess, he wants you to call him, tell him what we're doing.
Yeah.
And you're gonna do just that. But I'll tell you what to feed the pig. You alright with this?
Man, this shit's pretty thick.
Listen Judge, Oakland's Panther International Headquarters. We shut the Pig's infiltration down here, they're gonna think twice about running their games on other chapters.
Huey, man who's gonna straighten out the brothers if they get on my ass?
I don't know man. I don't know. That reminds me. Another little donation from the police.
If the pigs only knew they were subsidizing The Panthers...
Yeah well, they want a lot for their money. They want a felony, preferably with "violent intent." We've got to give them something. They'll kill me if I don't. And the Panthers are going to kill me if I do. I'm scared.
I saw... but...
Yeah, I do.
Don't let the cops provoke you. We're there to watch and take badge numbers...
Shit, we made him get his moms to give permission before he could sign up.
Just a kid.
I thought you said all the Panthers were gonna be here.
You're a smart brother... you should dig what Huey and Bobby got to say...
Maybe...
Busted firing pin. You want only the legal stuff right?
Huh?
What? You don't like to see a traitor get hurt? I wonder why that is?
If you got something to say, say it.
What's up with you?
Nothing.
You got something on your mind... "brother."
Sorry man...
Fuck is up?!
You better just kill me Tyrone. And when Huey gets out, when Oakland's just wall to wall junkies, you tell him you blew away the only chance we all got. I'm sure he'll be real happy about that.
What are you saying?
The pigs are gonna start flooding us with dope. Huey wants us to stop them.
Chickenshits? What you bring your buddies with you?
No man No!! Tyrone listen... we got to move man, they got a warehouse...
You alright?
Motherfuckers...
We'll all get out of here together.
You supposed to be a wounded vet, Motherfucka. What you do in 'Nam anyway, shoot gooks or shoot hoops?
My Mom's at that.
Rose, what the hell you doing here?
This cool the heat off you any?
Unh... Unh Man... I don't take no money from friends that need help. Fuck no. What do you think I am a bum?
Judge... I... I shoulda told you this before but... well... fuck...
What?
It was Sabu killed Cy.
Where is he?.
Ain't no one seen him.
Why didn't you tell me?
Rose?
Yeah... Look man, what I gotta say. It's just you, me and the rats, right? Alright... well... Sabu's back.
Motherfuck... well then I got something to do.
God damn it's him. I gotta go.
Judge man. Watch yourself. Sabu's got juice now.
It's okay Mom. I'm allright.
You don't look alright.
Yeah... cop hit me...
I saw. I saw that big one hit that police man. Saw 'em drag you off too. They take you to jail?
Yeah.
Lord, never thought I'd live to see my boy in prison.
You meet those friends of yours in jail too?
Yes... No... Mom it's not like you think. They're alright. There out there trying to do something.
I hear them boys, those Black Panthers, they're communists. They don't even believe in God.
Mom, black folks been praying to God for four hundred years. Maybe it's time we tried something else...
You believe that?
I'm sorry we didn't give you more warning.
Do you think Frances with an "e" is too manly a name for a girl?
No.
Do you think Francis with an "i" is too womanly a name for a boy?
No.
When?
Late summer.
Congratulations.
I know who you are, Gabriel Marion. The last time I saw you, I was nine and you put ink in my tea.
I... uh... that wasn't me, it was Samuel... I mean Nathan...
It was you and it turned my teeth black for a month.
If I'd known you were going to look like this, I never would have put ink in your tea.
You call that a compliment?
Next time we'll bring more blankets.
That would be nice.
Maybe we'll be lucky this winter and have just rain, no snow.
You expect to hold Cornwallis with militia?
I expect to try.
Trust you and Harry Lee. Remember that damned overland you two thought up in '62 to hit Fort Louis?
It worked. How many men can you raise?
I say we drink the wine, shoot the dogs, and use the papers for musket wadding.
Am I one of that sort?
Well?
I've just been inside the mind of a genius. Lord Cornwallis knows more about war than I could in a dozen lifetimes.
Cheerful news to greet the morn.
Personally, I'd prefer stupidity.
He reminds me of you before you got old and ugly.
What do you mean, old and ugly?
You got me beat on both accounts.
He shouldn't make light. That Redcoat should not have been killed.
You don't know him very well, do you?
I know him well enough?
You got salt last week.
Oh, right. Baking powder, we need baking powder.
They're from good stock on their mother's side.
You look well, Charlotte.
And send us to war alongside Massachusetts.
How did this... how did I let this happen?
You couldn't have known.
I should have known... once I would have... I used to be wary... and today I watched my son killed before my eyes... your sister civilized me and I damn myself for having let her...
Thomas is dead but you've done nothing for which you should be ashamed.
If you go, I'll care for them as if they were my own.
Excuse me?
I said, I'm not my sister.
I know that.
Do you?
Of course, I do.
Goodbye, Charlotte.
Two pounds, fourteen ounces.
You're surrendering.
Yes, sir.
What unit?
First Virginia Regulars under Colonel Hamilton.
We did.
My boys... my boys... you seem to have been well fed. Thank you for that, Colonel.
My pleasure, sir.
Please forgive me for keeping you waiting.
Apology accepted.
Thank you, Colonel... I'm afraid I don't know your name.
Colonel will do.
Shall we proceed?
Let us. Unless you object, I would like to deem this meeting a formal negotiation and, as such, there are certain customary practices. Perhaps I could explain them to you...
I'm familiar with how a formal negotiation is handled.
Oh?
I served in His Majesty's army in the French and Indian War.
Oh. Very well, then. Would you, as the initiating party, like to begin?
You are familiar with how these things are done. In fact, I would like to claim aggrieved status.
Very well, proceed, sir.
First, you have in your possession certain belongings of mine, including clothing, private papers, furniture and personal effects of a non-military nature which I would like to have returned to me.
Thank you.
Please accept my apology for not having done so sooner.
Apology accepted. Now, on the matter of the specific targeting of officers during engagements, this is absolutely unacceptable.
That one is a bit more difficult.
Certainly you must know that in civilized warfare, officers in the field must not be accorded inappropriate levels of hostile attention.
And what are inappropriate levels of hostile attention?
Colonel, imagine the utter chaos that would result from un-led armies having at each other. There must be gentlemen in command to lead and, when appropriate, restrain their men.
Restrain them from the targeting of civilians, including women and children?
That is a separate issue.
I consider them linked.
I beg to differ. One is a command decision on your part. The other represents nothing more than the occasional over-exuberance of field officers attempting to carry out their duty in difficult circumstances.
Very well, let us move on to...
Prisoner exchange.
Sir?
You have eighteen of my men. I want them back.
I do have eighteen criminals under sentence of death, but I hold no prisoners-of-war.
If that's your position, then eighteen of your officers will die. Nineteen, if you hang me with my men.
Their names, ranks and posts?
My harrier. Join us, Colonel.
Colonel Tarleton, you deal with these damned rebels.
It seems our Swamp Fox wants to have a formal parley.
Are you going to meet with him?
If I fail, you fail.
Perhaps.
And if I triumph, you triumph.
Probably.
How can we end this madness?
Civility is a secondary virtue. It is superseded by duty.
Do you see that, Colonel?
Father, a post rider came from Charleston. You have a letter inside.
The New York and Rhode Island assemblies have been dissolved...
The middle colonies?
Rioting both sides of the bay, in Chestertown they burned the Customs House and tar-and-feathered the Customs Agent. He died of burns. In Wilmington they killed a Royal Magistrate and two Redcoats.
Anything about the convention in Philadelphia?
What news?
The British army is barricaded in Boston. Harry Lee, is here from Virginia, recruiting for a Continental Army.
Is that why the Assembly was convened?
Yes. He seeks a levy of troops and money.
And the Governor?
He vowed that if the Assembly votes a single shilling to Lee, he'll dissolve the body.
Father, I've lost respect for you. I thought you were a man of principle.
When you have children, I hope you'll understand.
Do you intend to enlist without my permission?
Have you seen any Redcoats?
I have to get these dispatches to Hillsboro.
You're in no condition to ride.
Father...
What now, sir?
We put out the word. We'll start along the south side of the Santee...
We'd cover more ground if we split up.
Colonel, I didn't request this transfer because you're my father. I requested it because I believe in this cause and this is where I can do the most good.
Oh?
I've been doing this for two years. I'm the best scout in the Continental Army, the best horseman, the best shot, the best scavenger and I know every deer path and swamp trail between here and Charleston.
Is that so?
Did your father teach you humility?
Alright, Corporal, you take Bennington, Harrisville, Acworth and the farms along Black Swamp. I'll take the north side of the river. We'll meet at Snow's Island.
And, Corporal... ... be careful.
Is it?
If you're here only for revenge, you're doing a disservice to him as well as yourself.
How old are you?
You know how old I am.
Less than a mile. Forty-one wagons, a company of Redcoat infantry, horses at the rear.
Flanking riders?
These four wagons must be his.
Lord Cornwallis is brilliant. His weakness is that he knows it.
Father?
Gabriel? Are you asleep?
Fourteen dead, eleven wounded, eighteen captured.
I should have killed him when I had the chance?
When was that? In the swamp at the expense of your men? Or when he killed Thomas at the expense of your family?
No...
Stay the course... your mother used to say that to me when I'd get drunk or lose my temper.
She'd say it to me when I picked on Thomas or Nathan.
You learned her lessons better than I.
She spoke? Susan spoke?
Full sentences. As if she had been speaking all along.
She said... she loves you and misses you but she understands why you can't be there with her.
Father, there's something else I need to talk to you about.
What?
Sir, I'd like to request a furlough. Two days?
Granted. Where are you going?
Cheraw Falls.
It's beautiful there. Your mother and I were there once, before you were born.
Tarleton has a list of our men, most are on it. A regiment of dragoons is going to the homes on the list, burning them, killing whomever resists, women and children, as well.
Where?
Don't go in there.
Is it her? Is Anne in there?
Father, tell me what happened at Fort Wilderness?
You know what happened.
No, I don't.
Everyone knows. It's what made me a hero. Me, Harry Lee, all of us. I got a medal. Men bought me drinks. They still do sometimes. Everyone knows what happened.
Tell me what everyone doesn't know.
And what do they know?
That the French and Cherokees captured the fort and when you retook it, you took revenge on them for what they did during the occupation.
That's right.
That's not enough. Tell me.
That's why it was four years between you and Thomas. It took me that long to regain her respect.
We buried them, then we went to track. It was a cold trail and they were moving fast. We went faster. We caught up to them at Kentucky Ford.
Go on.
It was a different time, son. And you're a better man than that.
I see, do as I say, not as I do.
If this war is about more than Thomas, it's about more than Anne, as well. Stay the course.
He wanted to, Susan, but he couldn't leave his men.
He left us.
There are some letters here from him. Some are just to you.
I don't care. I hate him.
You don't hate him.
An American nation. Colonel Lee, with your permission?
Please.
Those of us who call ourselves Patriots are not seeking to give birth to an American nation, but to protect one that already exists. It was born a hundred-and-seventy years ago at Jamestown, Virginia and has grown stronger and more mature with every generation reared and with every crop sown and harvested. We are a nation and our rights as citizens of that nation
Mister Robinson, I fought with Captain Marion in the French and Indian War, including the Wilderness Campaign. We served as scouts under Washington and I have no doubts about Captain Marion's courage or competence on a battlefield. There's not a man in this room, or anywhere, for that matter, to whom I would more willingly trust my life.
I stand corrected.
Captain Marion, I understood you to be a Patriot.
It's Mister Marion.
Damn it, Francis! How in God's name do you expect to gain independence without going to war?
A long time ago...
Thirteen years...
You were an Englishman then...
We don't have to go to war to gain independence...
Balderdash!
There are a thousand avenues, other than war, at our disposal...
Name five hundred.
Royal petition, delegates to court, judicial redress, economic boycott, bribery...
That's five, keep going...
... time, royal succession, regicide, bribery...
Wars are not fought only by childless men. A man must weigh his personal responsibilities against his principles.
That's what I'm doing. I will not fight and because I won't, I will not cast a vote that will send others to fight in my stead.
And your principles?
One of yours?
Gabriel.
I recognize him now. Is he as imprudent as his father was at his age?
No, thank the Lord. He's more like his mother.
I'll see to it that he serves under me.
Green Dragoons came to my home, killed my son, Thomas. It was Tarleton himself.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't here for this.
There's nothing you could have done, Gates is a damned fool.
We saw.
I begged him to stay in the cover of the trees but he insisted the only way to break Cornwallis was muzzle- to-muzzle. He spent too many years in the British army.
Where is he now?
Last anyone saw, riding hard, northeast, his staff a hundred yards behind, trying to catch up.
Who's in command?
I am, I think.
We're a breath away from losing this war. In the North, Washington is reeling from Valley Forge, running and hiding from Clinton and twelve thousand Redcoats. Here in the South, Cornwallis has broken our back. He captured over five thousand of our troops when he took Charleston and today he destroyed the only army that stood between him and New York.
So now Cornwallis will head north, link up with Clinton and finish off Washington.
And Patriots will start dying on the gallows instead of the battlefield. Unless we can keep Cornwallis in the South until the French arrive. A treaty was signed at Versailles after our victory at Saratoga. The French are sending a fleet and ten thousand troops.
When?
Fall, six months at the earliest.
Long time.
The bigger problem is where, not when. The French fleet won't sail north of the Chesapeake for fear of early storms.
So you're going to try to keep Cornwallis in the South until then.
Not me, you. I'm going north with every Continental regular I can find to reinforce Washington or he won't last six weeks.
You expect Cornwallis to be held here by militia?
Not held, just slowed down.
They're nothing but farmers and you're asking them to try to keep a tiger in their backyard. They'd be better off letting it move on.
They'd be better off, but the cause wouldn't be.
How many men does Cornwallis have under his command?
His wife was killed yesterday. She was with child.
Don't touch him.
How many men have we seen die?
Two. Gabriel and Thomas.
They're gone. And there is nothing you or I can do to bring them back. But there is something you can do to help end all this.
It is ended.
Goodbye, Francis.
And congratulations on the birth of your son.
Thank you. Maybe all of this will buy him some peace.
Your son, what did you name him?
Lord Cornwallis will be with you presently.
Thank you.
You may, of course, keep your weapons, but I must warn you that...
I'm familiar with appropriate behavior at a military parley.
Yes, quite, but you should know that...
That will be all, Major. I'll wait for Lord Cornwallis.
How far away?
Don't worry.
We could go stay at Aunt Charlotte's farm. She's to the west.
Margaret, take William and Susan to the river shed. Hide there. If we're not back by dawn, go up the river to the Richardson's house. They'll take you to your Aunt Charlotte's farm. Nathan, Samuel, and I are going to get Gabriel.
But what about Thomas?
Reverend.
Thank you.
For what?
For trying to impose some decency on that sort.
It's a good measure of a woman that she'll have her honeymoon under the stars.
How many came back?
Colonel, let us help his soul find it's place with the Almighty and...
He looks as if he's sleeping, doesn't he?
Gray.
I was sorry to hear about your son.
I lost another a year ago, Thomas. He was only fifteen.
Francis, tell me about General Cornwallis.
Remember Braddock?
That bad?
Worse.
If Cornwallis receives news that Clinton is coming, he'll simply hold tight and wait. He'll fight a purely defensive battle and he'll win that.
No, he won't. There are two things you need to know about Cornwallis. First, he is a very proud man, He would rather risk defeat than share a victory. If you give him what he thinks is an out, he'll take it.
Not yet, Thomas.
Seventeen.
But it's already been two years and that's two more years. The war could be over by then.
Put those away.
But father, they might come this way.
Father, I saw a post rider at the house.
Father?
Father, you can't let them take him...
Father... I killed those men...
Don't blame yourself, you did what I told you to do.
Who might you be, little Miss?
I'm Ellen Creed and I live at 642 Alden Lane, Dearborn, Michigan. At least, I used to.
But where are we going, Mr. Crandall?
Best never to go climbing on old blowdowns like this, Ellie--sometimes they bite.
Bite?
Do you know what this place is, Ellie? Oh, I know you know it's a boneyard, but a bone ain't nothing and even a whole pile of 'em don't amount to much. Do you know what a graveyard really is?
Well...I guess not.
What if you can't read what's written on there anymore?
Well, it still says some animal got laid down here after, don't it?
They do it to honor the dead, Ellen.
Ellie...God doesn't do things like that. I know you loved y'brother, but--
It's gorgeous!
Yes, but the rope might be--
Honey, Church will be fine.
I want to fly it! Can I fly it now, mommy!
Paxcow says it's almost too late!
Ellie...Ellie...what...
Paxcow says Daddy's going to do something really bad. He--
Who is this Paxcow? Is he like the boogeyman?
There are no ghosts, Ellie. I want you to go to sleep and forget all this nonsense.
Will you at least call and make sure daddy's okay?
Please hurry.
Yes.
Hurrts! It hurrrrts!
No-I guess not.
Have you got a death-wish, Ellen?
I want to look around, daddy-- may I?
And that someone cared enough about that animal to mark the spot.
That's what I think. I heard Missy Dandridge tell Mom when Church was fixed he wouldn't cross the road so much.
In the end he's gonna croak, isn't he?
Lovey...Church might be still alive when you're in a high school...and that's a very long time.
Good God! Where'd you hear that?
Yeah, I know...how are things out there in Chicagoland?
Yes...I guess so. He was sleeping on the front porch when I left.
Is he really all right?
Yes.
Because you promised.
I've noticed it, too. I'll cough up the money, Ellen.
She's in bed. She was throwing up. Ever since Mrs. Rogers called and said Missy--
Ellie? What's wrong?
No more chocolate chip cookies.
Huh?
What's up, sugar?
At school Michael McDowell said she was gonna fry in hell. Michael McDowell says all sewersides fry in hell.
But don't you dare say that.
I won't...is Missy in heaven, do you think?
I don't know, honey. Different people believe all sorts of different things happen to us when we die. Some believe in heaven or hell. Some think we're born again as little children--
Sure, carnation. Like in that movie you rented, Audrey Rose.
Well, it's actually reincarnation, but you get the idea. And some people think we just wink out...like a candle flame when the wind blows hard.
I think we go on. I'm not sure what happens after we die, but yeah-- I have faith in that.
You believe in it.
I don't get it.
Well, here we are, sitting in my chair. Do you think my chair will be here tomorrow?
Yeah, sure.
I'm not tired!
I'm sure you're not.
Then why do I have to go to bed?
Ellie--
Be good to your mother, darlin'. She needs you.
Come with us, daddy. Please come with us!
Do you swear?
Jud Crandall. I live just across the road.
I'm Rachel. Thanks again for saving the wandering minstrel boy, here.
Excuse me, Mr. Crandall--I've got to change this kid. It's nice to meet you.
How can you call it a good thing? A graveyard for pets killed in the road! Built and maintained by broken- hearted children!
No--but if he drops by, I'll tell him to call you.
Was it Pascow?
Ayuh, I think 'twas. If I see Louis come home before I go to bed, I'll tell him to--
Hey--they actually found the place!
Movin' in's mighty thirsty work. I usually sit out on my porch of an evening and pour a couple of beers over m'dinner. Come on over and join me, if you want.
You need a glass?
Not at all.
God, that's fine.
Ain't it just? The man who invented beer, Louis, that man was having a prime day for himself.
What were you listening to?
Allman Brothers.
What?
Nice.
The one that goes into the woods--sure.
That road--and those Orinco trucks-- are the two main reasons it's there.
You folks ready to go on?
Who owns the woods up ahead? Paper companies?
Not yet...how much further is it?
I can hardly read these.
No--not right out loud. Their stones speak...or their markers. Even if the marker ain't nothing but a tin can someone wrote on with a Magic Marker, it speaks. Ain't that so, Louis?
My wife is not crazy about cemeteries of any kind. As you may have noticed.
Did you tell me Rachel took the kids back to Chicago for a few days?
For Ellie's birthday, yes. I didn't go because her old man thinks I'm a shit and the feeling is heartily re- ciprocated...they'll be back tomorrow night. Jud, what's this about?
Well, there's a dead cat over here on the edge of my lawn, Louis. I think it might be your daughter's.
It's Church.
I'm sorry. At least it don't look like he suffered.
Loved that cat pretty well, didn't she?
Bagged cat. What a mess.
Going to tell Ellie?
I don't know.
No need to apologize.
Jud, this is crazy. It's going to be almost dark before we get back.
It's going to be dark before we even get where we're going, Louis. But we can do it...and we're going to.
But--
Does she love the cat?
Yes, but--
What say, Louis?
Nothing. Do we plant him on the outer circle or start a new one?
What do you mean?
We can't climb over that. We'll break our necks!
No. We won't. I have climbed it a time or two before, and I know all the places to step. Just follow me...move easy...don't look down...and don't stop. If you stop, you'll crash through for sure.
I'm not climbing that.
No, you shouldn't have stopped. But you got away with it. Important thing is are you sure you're all right?
Yes. Where are we going, Jud?
Micmacs used to call it Little God Swamp.
Is there quicksand?
There's a lot of funny things down this way, Louis.
It's funny, all right.
Almost there, Louis.
You keep saying that.
This was their burying ground, Louis.
Whose burying ground?
The Micmac Indians. I brought you here to bury Ellen's cat.
Why? For God's sake, why?
I had my reasons, Louis. We'll talk later. All right?
I guess so...but...
You want to rest a bit before you start?
No, I'm okay. Will I really be able to dig him a grave? The soil looks thin.
What are those for?
Doesn't look like they last long.
Don't worry about that.
Jud, why am I doing all this?
But--
I most generally don't start before noon, but this looks like an exception.
What did we do, Jud?
I tried to tell myself I buried him alive. You know--Edgar Allan Poe meets Felix the Cat. But...
Wouldn't wash?
No. I'm a doctor. I know death when I see it, and Church was dead. He smells horrible and he uses his claws, but he's alive...and I feel like I'm going crazy. It was that place, wasn't it?
Can I have another one?
They buried their dead and for a long time their dead stayed buried. Then something happened. Half the tribe died in a season. The rest moved on. They said a Wendigo had soured the ground.
Wendigo?
You and this old Indian rag-man--
Well, she was a little upset at first, and that's why I thought you ought to hold your peace when you talked to your people last night...you did, didn't you, Louis?