The Food and Drug Administration said Wednesday female deodorant sprays may cause such harmful reactions as blisters, burns and rashes. Although the FDA judges that the reported reactions are not sufficient to justify removal of these products from the market, they are sufficient to warrant the proposed mandatory label warnings.
If you don't want me to pose for him, why do you want me to meet him?
Purely personal. I believe you might enjoy one another.
But Countess...
But here you are, still a virgin -- you are virginal yet, aren't you?
Why, yes, technically. Jack Kerouac and I came awfully close, but he was afraid of me, I think...
Yes, well, what I'm getting at is that there comes a time when it is psychologically impossible for a woman to lose her virginity. She can't wait too long, you know. Now, there's no reason why you must lose yours. I mean, just ponder it a bit, that's all.
What makes you think this watercolorist and I would develop a romantic relationship?
I can't be certain that you would. But what have you got to lose?
Well, okay. I'll try it. I don't see the point in it, but I'll try it. Just for you. It's kind of silly, actually, me going out with an artist in New York City. However...
Sissy, don't play dumb with me! You're a good model but a shitty actress. The cowgirls are involved in this whooping crane disappearance. You know perfectly well they are. Last seen in Nebraska. Didn't make it to Canada. Siwash Lake is between Nebraska and Canada. The cowgirls have possession of Siwash Lake. And who else but Jellybean's wild cunts could possibly conceive of doing
I don't know anything about it.
Ballast.
That means top-secret, Cooper.
I can see why they sent you along.
You still need the rope? I thought you were one a those spacemen with ice in ya veins.
...do you copy?
Uh, yeah Coop, I'm still here.
Shit! Do not do that! Where the fuck are you?
Holy shit...
Justin?
Time to play Spam in the can.
Okay, listen up. As you all know by now, we have an addition to our crew. Dr. Weir, this is: Starck, navigation; Smith, pilot, Justin, ship's engineer --
You can call him Baby-bear, he loves that...
...cancel our leave and send us out on some bullshit mission...!
From what?
...come on, Skipper, I already put my shoes on...
You've had plenty EVA, Coop, it's Justin's turn. Stay on station. If anything happens...
We have a man down...
Coop, where are you...
The containment, Second Containment...
But Justin...
Captain Miller, we're ready to repressurize the Clark.
...and the gravity drive goes where no man has gone before.
You prep the gravity couches. I'm going to manually arm those explosives.
Will it work?
You been out there a long time. Trying to break my record?
I'd rather spend the next twelve hours Outside than another five minutes in this can. This ship is bad. It watches you.
What?
You heard me. This ship, it's crazy: trying to go faster'n light, that's like the Tower of Babel.
Shit, Smith, you're going Biblical on me.
You know what happened to the Tower of Babel, don't you? It fell down.
We'll have to re-route through the port conduit to the APU.
It's holding... She's holding...!
Solid as a rock. Hey, Smith...
Smith, clear that airlock, man, I'm coming in.
Damn, Dr. Weir, don't scare us like that. Coffee?
What?
Coffee.
The Event Horizon only had life support for eighteen months. It seems impossible, but in light of the transmission... I have to think that someone has managed to endure until now.
It was like... nothing was there... and then Justin appeared and the Core... became metal...
No, he didn't.
You weren't there. I saw it.
I don't know what happened to Justin.
I'm telling you, I saw it...
What you saw could have been an optical effect caused by gravitational distortion.
Is that an offer?
What's happening?
Let me breathe, let me breathe...
How? The Bridge is gone.
There must be a way! What about Engineering?
Can you shut it down?
I don't know the process, Dr. Weir was the expert...
I'm gonna activate the emergency beacon.
What...?
He's a rescue technician. Peters, medical technician. DJ...
Trauma.
We haven't tested the air yet. It could be contaminated...
How is he?
Carbon dioxide poisoning produces hallucinations, impaired judgement...
To conserve our oxygen, we should severely restrict our activity. Anyone who can should get some sleep.
He'll live... if we ever make it back.
Of course not. Justin just climbed into the airlock because he felt like it. Just one of those things. I swore I'd never lose another man. I came close today. Real close.
I, I tried to go back for him, to save him, but I couldn't get to him in time. The fire... Have you ever seen fire in zero-gravity? It's like a liquid, it slides over everything. It was like a wave breaking over him, a wave of fire. And then he was gone. I never told anyone until now. But this ship knew, DJ.
What is it?
I've been listening to the transmission. And I think Houston made a mistake in the translation.
They thought it said, "Liberatis me," "Save me," but it's not "me." It's "tutemet:" "Save yourself."
It's not a distress call. It's a warning.
Do you hear it? Right there.
Hear what?
It sounds like "ex infera:" "ex," from; "infera," the ablative case of "inferi." "Hell."
"Save yourself. From Hell." What are you saying, are you saying that this ship is possessed?
DJ. The Clark's gone. Smith and Cooper are dead.
What happened?
Please...
Oh, God, DJ, what do I... how do I...
Please... kill...
What's wrong?
What's happening...?
What's wrong?
I've got a pulse, he's alive...
Pressure?
90 over 50 and falling... .
Intubate, pure oxygen feed, get the nitrogen out of his blood...
His peritoneum has ruptured...
You wanted to see me, Admiral?
Incredible... These are the same coordinates before the ship disappeared... this, this happened? This isn't some kind of hoax?
I wouldn't bring you here on a hoax. Houston confirms the telemetry and I.D. codes.
That ship was lost in deep space, seven years ago. If the Titanic sailed into New York harbor, I'd find it more plausible. Houston wants Aerospace to send out a search and rescue team, investigate the source of the transmission. If it really is the Event Horizon, they'll attempt a salvage. We need you to prepare a detailed briefing on the ship's systems for
It's against my better judgement, but I'll run this by the Man downstairs. You'll know my decision by the end of the day.
Thank you.
It's not that simple. Lyle, play the recording for Dr. Weir.
You're not seriously considering sending him?
You don't just dismiss Bill Weir. The man held Oppenheimer's chair at Princeton. If the Event Horizon had worked, he would have gone down in history as the greatest mind in physics since Einstein.
The official inquiry blamed Weir's design for the ship's loss.
That doesn't mean a damn thing. They were looking for a scapegoat and Weir fit the bill. But he's not responsible for what happened to the ship.
Does he know that?
What's on your mind?
He doesn't belong on this mission. Responsible or not, he blames himself. He's too close to it. And then there's his wife.
It's been two years since she died. He's over it.
I want our best people on this. Where's Miller?
What, Justin, what shows you?
It won't stop, it goes on and on and on...
What does?
...It's inside and it eats and eats until there's nothing left.
"The dark inside..."? I don't understand.
Oh my god OH MY GOD...
...is zero. That's what the singularity does: it folds space, so that point A and point B coexist in the same space and time. After the ship passes through this gateway, space returns to normal. It's called a gravity drive.
How do you know all this?
You've reached the First Containment Seal. The engineering decks are on the other side.
We still have pressure. The radiation count's steady at 7 millirads an hour.
I've reached another containment door. This thing's huge...
That's the Second Containment Seal. Beyond that, engineering.
Everything green on my boards, Skipper.
Okay. We do it the hard way. Deck by deck, room by room. Starck, deploy the umbilicus. I believe you're up for a walk, Mr. Justin. Go get your bonnet on.
Justin, finish your sweep.
Patch me through to him.
Justin.
...I don't want to die...!
You're not going to die! Not today! I want you to do exactly as I say and I'm gonna get you out of there, alright?
But I can't... I gotta get out of here... Skipper, please...
This is Weir.
Dr. Weir, you have no experience with salvage procedures.
I designed the ship's propulsion system. I am the only person capable of evaluating the performance of the gravity drive. You can't send a Search and Rescue team out there alone and expect them to succeed. That would be like... like sending an auto- mechanic to work on the shuttle.
I can understand your desire to redeem your reputation, Dr. Weir, but it doesn't factor into this.
Since the initial transmission, there's been no further contact. Just the beacon, every two minutes.
The crew? Could they still be alive?
The ship had life support systems for eighteen months. They're been gone seven years.
What's the hold up?
Just loading the last of the CO2 scrubbers. Good for four months.
I put in for a replacement for you but no one...
No, no, its alright. I talked to my ex, he'll keep Denny over Christmas and I'll get him this summer. Goddam it, Skipper... I haven't seen him in two months.
We've got pressure.
Jesus its huge.
That means they didn't abandon ship.
Peters is right, no one's here.
I can see the hatch.
The blood came from somewhere, Peters...
Okay. I'm on the bridge.
Everything's been shut down. Conserving power, I guess. Green light on the hull, it's intact.
I found one.
Alive?
Justin, check the containment for radiation leaks. Peters...
...how's the client?
Can anybody hear me...
Skipper...
Peters...
...you okay?
Peters, I want you to go through the ship's log, see if we can't find some answers.
I can use the station in Medical, keep an eye on Justin...
I can run the image through a series of filters, try to clean it up.
That's a negative, Starck.
Peters. We need to know what happened to the crew. Before it happens to us.
I'll get back to the log. But on the bridge, I won't go back, back in there...
Captain Miller, I just want to say...
Captain Miller, I appreciate this opportunity...
Doctor Weir, my crew is not going on your mission because we want to. We were pulled off a well deserved leave, to be sent out to the middle of nowhere, and no one's even told us why.
I've been authorized to brief you and the crew once we reach Neptune space.
It was the ship's maiden voyage, to test the drive. The Event Horizon moved to safe distance using ion thrusters. They received the go-ahead to activate the gravity drive. And the ship vanished from all our scopes. No radar contact, no enhanced optical, no radio contact of any kind. They disappeared without a trace. Until now.
Where has it been for the last seven years?
What does it say?
That's the engineering containment. And there's the main airlock. We can dock there.
Smith, use the arm and lock us onto that antennae cluster.
Dr. Weir, I need you on the bridge.
Captain, I didn't come out here to sit on your bridge, I need to be on that ship...
Once the ship is secured, we'll bring you on board --
That is not acceptable --
You're in the central corridor. It connects the personnel areas to Engineering.
I can see that, what're they for?
Easy, Peters, we're okay, we're okay. Let's finish the sweep.
Any survivors?
No one?
It beats dying, Mister Smith.
Yes.
Hold on, what's this "gravitational distortion?"
It's possible that a burst of gravity waves escaped from the Core, distorting space-time. They could be what hit the Lewis and Clark.
What could cause them? What's in the Core?
It's complicated...
It's insane.
"Insane?" The finest astronauts fought to be posted to this ship. It would take the Lewis and Clark a thousand years to reach our closest star. The Event Horizon could be there in a day...
If it worked.
I want this room sealed. The Second Containment is off limits.
There's no danger. The black hole is contained behind three magnetic fields, it's under control.
You have something, Dr. Weir?
The date.
What about it?
The Event Horizon's computer think's it's 2034.
It's 2041...
Explanation?
What the hell is that? Dr. Weir?
We barely have enough power for life support as it is, if we can't stop the drain, we're not gonna make it.
We don't get the power back, our air's gonna go bad.
We're a long way from home and we're in a bad place. Let's not make it worse. If anyone has any constructive suggestions, now is the time.
I think I can stabilize the fields around the singularity, that should prevent another power drain.
Is that your "expert opinion?" The only answer we've had out of you is "I don't know."
I want to know what caused that noise. I want to know why one of my crew tried to throw himself out of the airlock.
Thermal changes in the hull could have caused the metal to expand and contract very suddenly, causing reverberations --
That's bullshit and you know it! You built this fucking ship and all I've heard from you is bullshit!
What do you want me to say?
You said this ship creates a gateway...
Yes...
To what? Where did this ship go? Where did you send it?
I don't know...
Where has it been for the past seven years?
I don't know...
The "Other Place," what is that...?
I DON'T KNOW! I don't know. There's a lot of things going on here that I don't understand. Truth takes time.
We're leaving.
You can't, your orders are specific...
"...to rescue the crew and salvage the ship." The crew is dead, Dr. Weir. This ship killed them. And now it's killing us.
You're insane. You've lost your mind.
Maybe you're right. But it's still my command, and I have leeway to abort when I feel there is an unacceptable threat to my crew. And I think there is. Starck, download all the files from the Event Horizon's computers. Coop, Smith, finish moving the CO2 scrubbers back onto the Clark.
Don't... don't do this...
What about my ship?
We will take the Lewis and Clark to a safe distance and then launch tac missiles at the Event Horizon until I am satisfied that she has been destroyed. Fuck this ship.
You... You can't do that!
You can't leave. She won't let you.
I told you... She won't let you leave...
Your eyes...
I don't need them anymore. Where we're going, we won't need eyes to see.
What are you talking about?
If you miss me, you'll blow out the hull. You'll die too.
Weir is dead.
Then who the fuck are you?
What are you?
You know.
You want me to believe you're the Devil, well, I don't, that's bullshit!
I'm not the Devil.
Then what, what are you? Tell me...
There is no Devil. There is no God. There is only... NOTHING.
You're lying...!
I'm not asking you to believe me. You'll see for yourself... and so will your crew. You're all coming with me.
You can't have them. Go to hell.
I don't like it either, but you know the rules: we get the call, we go. Is the course locked in?
Jesus...
Heading three-three-four...
...Make your approach vector negative fourteen degrees...
We have a lock on the Event Horizon's navigation beacon. It's in the upper ionosphere, we're in for some chop.
We're all on edge, Smith. We're a long way out...
That's not it. That ship was built to go faster than light... That's just wrong, it goes against everything we know...
What are you trying to say? "If God had intended Man to fly, he would have given us wings?"
I guess we're about to find out. Keep us slow and steady.
Yes, sir.
We've got some weather.
1500 meters. We're getting too close...
Proximity warning! 900, 800 meters, 700... we're right on top of it, we're gonna hit!
Put it through TACS. Smith, you up for a flyby?
It is now. We're locked in.
Captain Miller...
Smith, where the hell have you been?!
Do we have enough time for a weld?
We don't have time to fart.
We're losing pressure at 280 liters a second and our oxygen tanks are cracked. In three minutes, our atmosphere will be gone. We are fucking dead.
No one's dying on my watch, Smith! What about the reserve tanks?
But...
Captain Miller, you copy?
I'm here, Smith, how's the Clark?
I've found a six inch fracture in the outer hull. We should be able to repair it and re-pressurize, it's gonna take some time.
We don't have time, Smith. In twenty hours we run out of air.
...you break all the laws of physics, you think there won't be a price? You already killed the first crew...
Sir.
Thank you.
Captain, we got a problem.
Now what?
She was right behind me, I turn around, she's gone. She could be anywhere.
Skipper...
What is it, Smith?
Smith, get out of there...
Come again, Skipper?
Get off the Clark now and wait for me at the airlock.
No, no, we just got her back together...
Where is it, where is it...
We're past the outer marker, we can engage the ion drive whenever you're ready.
Ion drive will engage in... T-minus ten minutes.
Starck, why aren't you on the bridge?
I just finished drying...
Crossing the horizon. Optimum approach angle is fourteen degrees.
Something's wrong with the bio-scan.
Radiation interference?
That's an affirmative.
Everybody okay?
We're all here.
It tastes bad.
The antennae array's completely fried, we've got no radio, no laser, no highgain... No one's going to be coming to help us.
How much oh-two do we have?
Oxygen is not the problem.
Carbon dioxide?
It's building up with every breath we take. And the CO2 filters on the Event Horizon are shot.
We can take the filters from the Clark...
I thought of that, with the filters from the Clark, we've got enough breathable air for twenty hours. After that, we'd better be on our way home.
What about the life readings you picked up?
The Event Horizon sensors show the same thing: "Bio-readings of indeterminate origin." Right before that wave hit the Clark, there was some kind of surge, right off the scale, but now it's back to its previous levels.
What's causing the readings?
I don't know, but whatever it is, it's not the crew.
What's the point? I'll just get the same thing...
Not acceptable. I want to know what's causing those readings. If the crew is dead, I want the bodies, I want the crew found.
I can reconfigure the scan for C-12, amylase proteins.
Maybe one of the original crew?
No. It was someone else.
Who?
Miller...
What is it, Starck?
...I ran the bio-scan with the DNA/RNA filter. The results were bio-readings of indeterminate origin...
"...bio-readings of indeterminate origin," don't you have anything useful to tell me?
Go ahead.
You've got to listen...
To what? What are you saying? This ship is alive?
I didn't say that, I said the bio- readings correspond to what happened to you, the ship is reacting to us...
It's not bullshit, it's the only conclusion the data supports...
Starck, do you know how crazy that sounds? It's impossible.
If you knew it was impossible, then why'd you waste my time?
What I want is to survive the next ten hours.
Nine hours and twenty-two minutes.
Miller, come in...
What's going on in there, Starck?
What?
He's awake, he's in the airlock, he's not wearing a suit.
I'm on my way, Starck.
Tuck yourself into a crouched position, shut your eyes as tight as you can!
Weir can't be alive.
Weir activated the drive. He's sending us to the Other Place.
BLOW THE FUCKER UP.
Blow it up?
I'll do it --
We're armed. This fucker's ready to blow...
...repeat, we're armed...
Weir.
First time in a grav couch?
Don't worry about it. He's hard, but he's fair. You're lucky to be shipping out with him. He's one of the few Captains in the service with experience in the Outer Reach.
He's been past Mars?
He served on the Goliath.
Wasn't that ship destroyed?
Claire...
Here's another one. They're all over the place.
Dr. Weir, what's this the door to?
Yes, we can see some kind of mist. What is that?
Blood. Looks like arterial spray.
Can you see a body?
No. I saw nothing.
About an hour ago. In medical. I saw my son. He was lying on one of the examination tables and his legs were...
Isn't it possible that you were traumatized by finding the body on the bridge?
There's no one in the corridor but us.
He's engaged the override.
Yes. Yes, Justin, we heard it.
Keep him talking.
Almost got it.
We have to do something, oh God...
You got any coffee?
It's cold.
Hey...
Where is she?
Jesus, that is one big ugly fat fucker...
Foredecks. Crew quarters, bridge, medical and science labs, hydroponics, what have you. That central section connects the forward decks to the Engineering containment area. Can we move in closer?
What the hell is that?
The safety circuit's failed!
What?
I didn't see anything and I don't have to see anything. This ship is fucked.
Thank you for that scientific analysis, Mister Smith.
I can't believe this, I haven't gotten more than my hand in six weeks and now this shit. Why not Mars, Cap, Mars has women...
30 hours to Neptune orbit.
You can't do that.
This is U.S. Aerospace Command vessel Lewis and Clark, hailing Event Horizon, Event Horizon, do you read...? This is the Lewis and Clark, hailing...
If they are, they're screening their calls.
The scope is lit, it's right in front of us...
Range 500 meters and holding. Turbulence is dropping off...
What happened to his eyes?
Explosive decompression.
Miller, do you read me, Peters --
Get them back --
What if the air has gone bad? We can't wear these suits forever.
Relativity, yes. We can't break the law of relativity, but we can go around it. The ship doesn't really move faster than the speed of light; it creates a dimensional gateway that allows the ship to instantaneously "jump" from one point in the universe to another, light years away.
How?
A straight line.
The reactor's still hot. We've got several small radiation sources, leaks probably. Nothing serious.
Do they have pressure?
Could it be the crew? If they were in suspended animation, wouldn't that effect the scan?
What is it?
What is it?
That's how the gravity drive works, you see: it focuses the black hole's immense gravitational power to create the gateway. That's how the Event Horizon travels faster than light.
Why Dr. Weir, I think you're in love.
Hmmm. Claire used to tell me I loved the Event Horizon more than I loved her. I told her that wasn't true, I just knew the Event Horizon better, that's all.
Claire is your wife?
Yes.
It must be hard, being so far away from her.
Yes. I miss her. She died. Two years now.
Maybe a power interruption crashed the system...
What are you doing?
In our current environment, Dr. Weir, self-control is an asset.
What is it?
The forward airlock.
Justin said something about, "The dark inside me..." What did he mean?
I don't think She's real big on hate.
Such a sad face... You know, sometimes being different isn't a bad thing.
How'd you know it was me?
I'm not really dressed for a party.
Relax, it's casual.
Those yours too?
We're going to have to work on your touch.
You know, you could'a run an ad in the personals.
"Sensual blind chick seeks three- ton, rock-hard he-man for deep spiritual relationship."
You don't know what it's like out there. Walking around like some kind of circus freak. People staring, whispering --
I wouldn't know anything about that.
I mean...
Way to not overthink it. So when do we leave?
I can handle the ship. I can even handle Mr. Blonde Ambition. But I don't know if I should be flying or playing Vegas in these suits. Who the hell came up with them?
We can monitor the cloud's approach and observe the tests from here.
I can only stay for one drink, Ben. I've got to meet with Victor.
We need to give you a physical, so we know what got zapped.
You look like an eighties rock band.
The suit will stretch. You should try it --
He didn't.
Oh, he did.
He didn't mean it. You know Johnny. He's always been a hothead --
It's not him. It's them. I can't live like this.
Just give Reed a little more time. You know how he works -- analyzing every little step before he takes one --
It's easy for you to be patient.
Where is Reed?
What are you doing here?
I'm worried about you.
About me? How sweet.
Ben, come in.
What is this? Where's Reed?
What do you want, Vic?
Reed said it'd be weeks till --
He couldn't generate enough power for the machine to reach critical mass. Yet another mistake for "Mr. Fantastic."
I'll be watching over you.
Soon as I'm back, I'm gonna trade that in for a bigger rock.
Deb... It's me. I need you to step out front.
Ben?
Don't come any closer for a sec. This is gonna be kind of a shock... You remember when we said "together forever no matter what"?
Oh my G-g-g. What did you... do to Ben?
What did you wish for, honey?
Good thing it ain't workin... Reed, what are we doing here? This guy's fast-food, strip-mall science --
He's financed some of the biggest breakthroughs of this century.
I can't take this.
What about his first born?
He knew about NASA. What if he made the call to shut us down --
Ben, think about all the people we can help if this works --
Maybe you should think about yourself for once. You always let this guy push you round --
We got what we wanted. That's enough.
Can't do it. I cannot do it.
External SRBs, orbital system engines. Its just like the shuttles you flew in --
No. I cannot take orders from that underwear model. That wingnut washed out of NASA for sneaking two Victoria Secret wannabes into a flight simulator.
They crashed it into a wall. A flight simulator.
When have I asked you to do something you absolutely said you could not do?
Five times.
I had it at four.
Isn't that your speech?
He's made a few changes.
This is your dream, Reed. You should be the one up there.
The shields on the station should protect us.
I ain't done arranging your flowers, egghead.
How long was I out?
Three days. I was worried about you. How are you feeling?
I don't know. I just keep going over and over the numbers.
Reed. Even you can't compute every little thing.
You go through something like this, makes you appreciate having the right woman in your life.
Yeah, you and Debbie and perfect --
What? Come on. She's got a good thing with Victor --
I'm sorry, did that cosmic-bath loosen your screws?
He's smart, powerful, successful --
Are you alright?
What the --!
Ben. Are you okay?
We had a tough year.
You got a chisel round here?
Okay. I've uh, got some questions, from Sue. That she thought might be better coming from me... Can you, you know, go to the bathroom... like normal...
Yeah. You don't wanna know the details.
Ben, I'm afraid I've got to ask --
Not unless you want that clipboard stretched up your --
It's about to be a broken face.
Ben --
Oh, you remember my name do you? You happen to remember what you swore to do with every breath in your body?
We're working as hard as we can --
Glad "nothing" could take you away from your work.
Time for your lesson, Vic. Chem 101: what happens when you supercool hot metal...? Ben...
Ben, I've been crunching the numbers on the machine. I think if we can rework the power settings...
What the hell you smiling at? Just keep your mouth shut, and your mind on those SMBs --
If you behave, maybe next time daddy'll let you drive.
Please tell me your dawg's not trying to rekindle things with my sister.
'Course not. Strictly business.
Yeah, well, his eyes say different.
Hey, two hearts got busted last time. Maybe she's not over it either.
Let's see: you got Victor, stud of the year, more coin than God? Or Reed, the world's dumbest smart guy worth less than a postage stamp. Hmmm, it's a toss-up.
Put your tiny little mind at ease.
Where... where am I?
Back on Earth. Victor's medical facility... We're in quarantine.
Reed?... Sue?
What's wrong with me?
I swear to you they've done everything humanly possible. The best plastic surgeons in the world, Ben. You had the best --
They said that's not such a good idea, the shock alone could --
Hey! That's a prototype!
The machine works. And Vic's gone Mister Hyde on us --
No more cracks about how I look.
Your tissue, your organs, your entire biophysical structure is changing. Every system is still functioning, somehow --
And they're changing into...
I don't really know. A compound organic-metallic alloy. Stronger than titanium or carbon steel. Harder than diamonds --
Like the shields Reed said would protect us. How long?
At this rate, the infection should be complete in two, maybe three weeks --
What do you mean "complete"?
What?
But... this disease... is progressive... degenerative...
And where do we think we're going?
You're hot!
So are you!
I mean, you feel a little feverish.
I've never felt better in my life. When do you get off work?
My shift ends at four, but I couldn't --
Me like-y.
Stay right. Left is trouble.
I though we went over this.
You're on fire!
Not this again --
Victor's right. Johnny, get to the command center. Close the shields.
He's not responsive --
Now what is up with that?
The cloud has fundamentally altered our DNA.
Oh, you dawg you. Better not be my nurse!
This is wrong in so many ways.
Ben Grimm is a genuine American hero who's been through a terrible orde--
Twenty? From outside the place looks a lot taller.
We should stay here until we can define the extent of our changes...
This place is deluxe. You got cable?
Back it down, Johnny!
Not only could you kill yourself, but you could set fire to Earth's atmosphere and destroy all human life as we know it.
Is there something about flames? About flaming, that you --
What are you trying to say? Just because I dress well and like to dance --
What? No. I'm trying to figure out why we each ended up with different symptoms.
He's right. These costumes are... missing something. I can't put my finger on it --
That's what I'm trying to calculate. And it's not rubber. It's muscle, tendon. I seem to have the ability to manipulate the malleability of my molecular structure and redistribute my density to --
You need to control yourself and think before you --
Act. Here we go again. Reed, what if we got these gifts for a reason? What if we have some, you know... like, calling?
Johnny. SUPERNOVA.
But all these people...
The synthetics act as a second skin, adapting to your individual needs to --
Apparently I can disappear.
Flame on, flame off. Flame on, flame off --
Stop it.
What is that thing?
Wait. You mean there's chance we could be full-on-24-7-fantastic?
Grow up, Johnny. You want to run around on fire for the rest of your life?
You're really cramping my style here.
You were at 4000 Kelvin. Any hotter, you're approaching supernova --
Sweet.
Uh, we call my sister the invisible girl... the Invisible Girl.
I'm driving.
You're gonna pay for that, Pebbles. What?!
You two need a time-out.
Johnny? Did you see Ben?
Yeah, for the last time, I hope. I'm done with this freak show. I'm moving back to the real world.
Is that what you call it? "Real"?
Johnny, slow down. Think. You know mom didn't raise us to --
Look around, sis! She's not here. So you can stop talking to me like I'm your little boy --
I'm sorry, sis, for leaving you guys --
What are you doing --
Sis. Let me take care of you for once.
If Reed's right, then this little trip will double our stock offering.
And if he's not...?
They're ready for you, sir.
Our numbers are through the roof. The IPO's tracking at fifty, sixty a share. The bank's five times oversubscribed --
It's not just the money. I could make money in my sleep.
Then what is it?
Leonard, how's the feed?
How's the IPO?
Stable. We're looking at low twenties. It's a good number, considering the fallout from --
Reed's disaster. You know, I half- think he did this to me on purpose.
Get me on the AM shows, Larry King, cover of the Journal... I've got to do something about this scar. Make sure they only shoot my right side.
Actually, uh, people seem to think the scar "humanizes" you.
You know, maybe you should get some rest --
Sir, I've always wondered... Why Sue? You could have any woman in the world but --
Make sure you find Ben, bring him back here. And keep it quiet. I don't need this to hit the press.
Yes sir. You've got the Mayor at eight, then a nine-thirty interview with the Journal --
Front page?
You're, you've, I mean, how have you bee--
Those solar winds are flaring, but I factored them into my coordinates and --
Well, uh, based on our history... you can handle the biogenetics, and I'll focus on the molecular physics. Or, uhm, maybe I should take the biotech, you work the microscopes, since you have some background in electropho--
I, uh, think I remember the number.
As far as crew, I was hoping Ben could pilot the mission --
Material made from self-regulating unstable molecules. I've been working on a formula for this.
Feeling better?
Yes, thanks.
That's good. That's uh... good.
You're happy for me and Victor.
I can tell you guys are enjoying what was the best part of our relationship --
Which was?
For science.
Uh, Sue...? I can't.
What? What do you mean you --
It has to be the cloud. It's fundamentally altered our DNA.
What?
Sue. Your clothes. Lose them.
How come Ben can't turn it on and off like us?
That's what we're here to find out.
It's not "invisibility" per se. You're bending the light around you with some kind of malleable force field. That's what you projected on the Bridge.
You should be able to bend light around other objects, even people, if you could control your emotional state better --
I'm saying, if you had a little more self control, you could locate the trigger. Can you remember the exact emotions when --
Anger. Rage. Frustration.
Okay. Is there any way to duplicate that feeling? Some memory or...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that... You must think that was some kind of latent hostility or --
I mean, you broke up with me, right?
Are you kidding?
Reed. I was ready for the next step, you weren't, ergo, I walked.
I think it was a little more complicated than --
There were a lot of variables to consider --
What are you doing?
If we can build a machine to re-create the storm, we can reverse the polarity --
And reverse the mutations --
But we're the focus, right Reed? Reed...?
Of course. Of course.
And you sure you can control this thing? Last time didn't work out so well.
Reed. How close are we to a cure?
Don't let Victor push you into making a mistake --
He was going to take away all my data, equipment --
Which is why I'm working twenty hours a day, checking every variable --
Every variable but yourself. You don't eat, sleep. You can't live in your head like --
I could get Ben to tap into the Baxter's main power to generate enough voltage --
Remember our first date here...? God, I was so nervous.
You were?
You know, I bribed the projectionist ten bucks to keep it open late?
You always talked about how you liked the kind of man who could approach you... speak his mind. One who wasn't afraid to tell you what he wanted.
When I walked out, I waited ten minutes outside your door. Ten. Waiting for you to come find me.
Why didn't you say something?
I can... make it work.
Reed, stop, you need to rest your --
The power... I need... more power... to control... the storm --
Sue, I need some of that anger, rage, frustration --
I found a broken gasket, from space --
But dreams don't pay the bills, do they? Same old Reed, the hopeless optimist. Still reaching for the stars, with the world on your back.
This isn't going to be a problem, is it?
You back this mission, and I'll sign over a fair percentage of any applications or --
Funny how things turn out, isn't it?
Got it. So take a walk, Ben... I'm going to borrow Susan for a second.
We've got minutes until it hits, not hours... Victor, that storm's deadly -- the radiation's lethal. We need to abort.
Get a grip. Reed. We didn't come all this way to lose our nerve at the first little glitch. Just close the shields...
Ben's still out there --
Come on, Ben, come on...
Not until Ben is back inside!
Just a little banged up. A couple scrapes. Why?
Ben did this.
Ben did this?
I'm starting to wonder the same thing... How much do you know about what happened to you?
Didn't go as planned? It was a catastrophe. You ruined the lives of four people --
I ruined? With all due respect, I told you to abort --
Abort? Reed, I put my company, my name, billions of dollars on the line, and I will not let you make me look like a fool --
Victor, if we could understand what happened to us --
What are you doing here?
But I'm not done with the machine --
It's just business.
Surprised I agreed to Reed's proposal?
I understand the business reasons.
It's been a good two years, Victor... The company's accomplished so much.
Right, of course, the company... But you see, I've come to realize all the accomplishments in the world mean nothing without someone to share them with --
Uh, Victor, I hope I haven't done something to make you think...
What are you doing?
Raising the shields.
What's going on?
Victor, I'm sorry I --
Victor, your scar --
I told you, I'm fine. It's you I'm worried about.
I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to --
You said it was urgent.
Victor, wait, slow down a second. I want you to know I appreciate everything you've done for me, but I just don't --
He's working round the clock. But the data needs to be tested, analyzed before --
If these molecules aren't stable, they could make us worse, maybe even kill us.
Please don't make this personal --
Oh, I think you already have.
'Scuse me.
I know it can't be easy. Life hasn't changed that much for Reed, Sue and Johnny. At least they can go out in public. But for you? People staring. Whispering behind your back...
If you're trying to cheer me up you're doing a helluva job --
Reed's gonna fix me up --
For your sake I hope you're right. I'm sorry if that sounds a little skeptical.
Brad, can I talk to you a minute?
Brad, I really fuckin' hate McDonald's, man. Ever since they started in with the chicken, everything went downhill.
You want to work at Carl's?
Oh, man, if you could swing something there, I'd do anything for you. I want to work with you guys.
I can probably get you in there. Just let me talk to Dennis Taylor.
Were those flowers really for me, Brad?
Of course.
How much did they cost?
What's there to do at the Point? God, Lisa, we've been going together almost two years, and...
Brad. I don't want to have to use sex as a tool.
Tool? Tool for what? We've been going together almost two years!
Man, I don't even want to see those guys from Carl's again.
If you'd apologize I think Dennis would take you back.
I'm just glad we're still together, Lisa, because I need you this year.
Something happened to them, mon.
Go ahead. Just make it quick.
Totally.
I can't find it, mon!
It's the first door on your left!
On the ledge?
First door on your left!
Easy, mon.
Hamilton, come over here. What is that you've got on?
This is how I dress all the time.
But you took off your Captain Kidd uniform.
Come on, Hamilton. You're going over there to represent Captain Kidd Fish and Chips. We have stores all over Southern California. Part of our image, part of our appeal is in our uniforms. You know that!
You really want me to put all this stuff back on?
Well, I believe you have to fill out a form. There's a pad right around here.
No. I want my money back right now.
Well, that's not the way it works, really. And you ate most of your food already, too...
I can't do that. But if you wait a minute...
Look. Just put your little hand back in the cash register and give me my $2.75 back. Okay? Please, Brad?
I'm sorry, sir. Just let me find the forms here.
Mister, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna kick 100% of your ass.
Hi, Brad.
Everyone wants to know where Lisa is. How should I know where Lisa is? What am I gonna do? Now my little sister goes to the same high school. The party's over. So who do you have first period?
U.S. History. Mr. Hand.
Mom says to clean up the pool.
Why can't you do it?
Your friends use the pool. Your friends messed it up.
Your friends use the pool too.
I take out the garbage.
Brad! Have Mom or Dad seen this?
They're not home yet.
Brad, what would you say if I asked you to just put these flowers in the trunk of the Cruising Vessel and get rid of them at work?
I'd say... who the hell is Ron Johnson?
Thanks for getting rid of those flowers.
Don't worry about it. Who sent the flowers?
It's just some guy I met at Swenson's. You don't know him.
Is everything okay at work?
Are you kidding? Work is great. I kill at work. I don't even mind Mom and Dad making me pay rent.
You're going to break up with Lisa, aren't you?
I've been doing some thinking. It's my last school year. I'm a single, successful guy. I think I want my freedom.
Why? Because she won't sleep with you?
Where did you hear that?
I'm just guessing.
Well... it's true.
Maybe you just need to give her some time. She's so nice, Brad. Everybody loves Lisa.
Hey, Brad. Are you still a virgin?
Why?
I don't know. I was just curious.
Maybe yes. Maybe no.
You are a virgin!
I didn't say that.
Are you still a virgin?
Maybe yes. Maybe no.
Does Mom know you have company?
Yeah. This is it. I have some shopping to do.
See you later.
Since when do you shop at the Flea Market anyway?
You're not going to tell me, are you?
No.
Any problems?
Did you throw away those fries, Hamilton?
They were left over from the last shift.
Those were perfectly good fries, Hamilton. Perfectly good.
Come on. Clean that counter off Brad. Let's go. Play ball.
Did you threaten this man or use profanity in any way?
He insulted me first. He called me a moron.
Did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way?
Yes, sir.
Dad says you have to get up!
Leave me alone!
Dad says you're late again, you butthole!
Leave me alone.
Jeff you have company!
Nice to meet you, Stacy.
Hey! We came over to help you with Math homework!
Well, that's exactly why I brought some Wisk for the jacuzzi.
I can't wait until I can drive next year. I walk every day. It's such a drag.
Get a ride with somebody.
Sometimes I get a ride with my brother. But he usually works in the mornings, and then drives to school himself.
You know Mark Ratner really likes you. You like him?
Do you have any ice tea?
I guess the annuals are coming in pretty soon. Are you going to get one?
I don't know.
Aren't you curious to see how your class picture turned out?
Do you want to take a quick swim?
Well...
Pick a suit.
Are you really a virgin?
Listen. I feel pretty strange here. Because Mark really likes you, and he's my friend.
You're a really good kisser.
So are you. Are you shaking?
Why don't you take off your clothes, Mike?
You first.
I want you to know that it's your final decision if we should continue or not.
Hey, Mike?
What? Are you all right?
I think we're making a lot of noise.
What's wrong?
I think I came. Didn't you feel it?
Oh. Hi.
I didn't see you this morning.
Look, I'm kind of in a hurry.
I'm in a hurry too. I just thought I could say hi to you.
What's going on?
Mike, there's something that's been on my mind and I have to tell you about it.
Why don't you call me up tonight?
How do you know it's mine? We only did it once.
Take that back.
There's only one thing we can do. We've got to get rid of it. We've got to get an abortion.
We've got to get an abortion?
Yeah. My brother Art got his girlfriend one once.
It's already planned, Mike. It's going to cost $150 at the Free Clinic.
Doesn't sound free to me. So you want me to pay for it?
Half. Okay? Seventy-five dollars. And a ride to the clinic.
Mike! You have a mess on C-9!
All right. All right. I just cleaned B-8. Give me a break.
Do you ever look at those girls who work at Swenson's? They're beautiful. And I have to stand out here and watch them six nights a week.
You... are a wuss. Part wimp. Part pussy.
What do you mean -- wuss? This girl is my exact type. It's her. Definitely her.
It's definitely your mama.
All right... where did you see her?
She's in my biology class.
Did you get her number?
No.
Did you get her name?
No. It's too soon.
It's never too soon! Girls decide how far to let you go in the first five minutes.
Well, what do you want me to do? Go up to this strange girl in my biology class and say, 'Hello! I'd like you to take your clothes off and jump on me?'
I would. Yeah.
Really?
I can see it all now. This is going to be just like the girl you fell in love with at Fotomat this summer. You bought forty bucks of fuckin' film and you never even talked to her.
You tell me, Mike. What do I do?
Don't talk to her. Let her know. Use your face. Use your body. Use everything. This is what I do. I just sent out the vibe and I have personally found that... girls do respond. Something happens.
Of course something happens. You put the vibe out to thirty million chicks, you know something's gonna happen.
That's the idea, Rat. That's The Attitude.
The business is changing, Rat. I'll tell you, these kids today... they don't even listen to Aerosmith.
I hear they all dress like that at Lincoln now.
Hey, Rat.
Yeah?
Knock it off, Damone. I need real help.
Okay. Tell me. What's the Five Point Plan?
And that is how you talk to a girl, Rat. Voila. You can't miss.
I think I've got it. Once I get going, I'll be okay. But... how do I get started? I mean, I hardly know her.
Yo.
Damone. It's Mark.
Mark. What happened to your date?
It's happening right now. I'm here at the Atlantis. Everything's fine except... I left my wallet at home.
Did you go home and get it?
Damone, are you there?
Hey, Mark. Is that you?
Damone! You come here?
I come for the seafood. It's great! Hey... you know what, Mark? I found your wallet the other day. You want it back?
Well, I've gotta be running.
Poor guy.
No. I don't think so. Not right now.
If you ask me, she's pretty aggressive. You understand what I'm saying?
No Damone. I don't understand.
She wasn't really your girlfriend anyway.
Hey fuck you Damone. There's a lot of girls out there and you mess around with Stacy. What have you got to prove?
Jesus. I'm sorry.
I always stick up for you. Whenever people say 'Aw, that Damone is a loudmouth' -- and they say that a lot -- I say 'You just don't know Damone.' When someone says you're an idiot, I tell them 'Damone's not an idiot. You just don't know him.' Well, you know, Damone, maybe they do know you pretty good. And I'm just finding out.
You're losing it, Damone.
The Attitude, Damone, is only good until you meet the right girl.
And... you can only tell it's the right girl if you're sensitive.
Sensitive -- what is that?
Sensitive is when you can tell how people feel without asking.
So what makes you so sensitive?
Well, for one, I read. I don't watch as much television as you. I'm trying to feel things more. I'm learning a lot about people.
What do you read? What's the last book you read?
Lust For Life. It's the story of Vincent Van Gough.
Yeah, well, I saw the movie. That must mean I'm sensitive too.
Are you Linda Barrett?
Yes.
All right, what you want to do is go to the Free Clinic and tell the doctor that you have sex regularly -- several times a week -- and that you need Nornel One Plus Fifty's.
And they don't call my parents?
Not if you're over sixteen.
Okay. Thanks a lot, Linda.
How've you been?
Outrageous, Merv. Nice to be here. I feel great.
I was going to say... your eyes look a little red.
Seriously, Merv, everything is great. I was thinking about picking up some hash this weekend, maybe going up to the mountains.
I wanted to talk a little bit about school, if I could...
School. School is no problem. All you have to do is go to get the grades. And if you know something, all you have to do is go about half the time.
How often do you go?
I hear you brought a film clip with you. Do you want to set it up for us?
Merv, this is the action down at Sunset Cliffs at about six in the morning.
Who's that?
Are you going to ride that wave?
What's going through your mind right here, Jeff? The danger of it all?
Hey, slow down. This is my brother's car.
I thought he was out of town.
He is.
Seen the new Playboy?
Naw. Any good?
Suzanne Somers' tits.
All right.
What the fuck is this guy doing?
It's a bunch of Jocks in a Granada!
My brother's car!
We just missed the turnoff to the party.
My brother is going to kill us. He's gonna kill you and then he's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill us.
Just be glad you're all right.
My brother is gonna shit.
Make up your mind. Is he gonna shit, or is he gonna kill us?
First he's gonna shit. And then he's gonna kill us.
Will you just relax, mon? He's not gonna kill us. My father is a television repairman. He's got all kinds of tools. I can fix-this car.
That's him! He did it!
How's it going.
Don't you like him?
Yeah, but I fucked up. You can take it. Really.
Come on, Stacy, it's your section and your man.
What should I do?
He gave me his card. 'Ron Johnson, Audio Consultant.'
Should we buy a frame for that?
Come on, Linda, I haven't had a boyfriend all summer. You promised when I started working at the mall that my life would change... Do you think he'll call this week?
Listen, Stace, you want to know about guys? I'll tell you. They're mostly chicken. Before I met Doug I chased after every guy I thought was cute. I thought if I gave out a vibe they'd get the message and call me up. Well, guess what? They don't call.
So what did you do?
I called them. If I was sitting next to a guy and I wanted to sit closer, I'd sit closer. If I wanted to kiss him, I'd just do it. You want Ron Johnson? Grab him.
Face it. With some guys you have to make the first move. A lot of guys are just... wussies.
Really?
Stacy, what are you waiting for? You're fifteen. I did it when I was thirteen. It's no huge thing. It's just sex. If you don't, one of the other girls will.
He was hot, wasn't he?
I can't believe I start high school tomorrow.
I hear some surfer pulled a knife on Mr. Hand this morning.
No way! He just called him a dick.
Linda. That girl looks just like Pat Benatar.
Do you think guys find that attractive?
Yeah but they look more sophisticated. You'd probably think they'd be better in bed.
What do you mean 'better in bed.' You either do it or you don't.
No there are variables that, like, I might not be good at.
What variables?
Like, you know, giving blow jobs.
What's the big deal?
Well I never did it.
Just kidding. About 10cc.
Was it great?
It was okay.
You'll always remember your first time.
It was nice.
So tell me, do you like Ron? Is it serious?
Come on, Linda. It's just sex.
There... There's his car. I know he's at work tonight. He hasn't come into Swenson's since he called my house. My mother told him I was still at high school, after I told him I was nineteen. I guess I should tell him I'm fifteen.
Don't you dare, you'll never hear from him again.
Does Doug care that you're seventeen?
Doug sees beyond that stuff to what the person inside is like. That's why I'm marrying him.
If he ever calls again I'll say I'm eighteen.
You've got to get used to working Christmas. People are always screaming and yelling... then they get home and they're all Christmasy.
I think Christmas brings out the worst in people.
I guess Ron hasn't called yet.
Don't you think it meant anything to him. Even if I am fifteen?
I should quit this job. I'm going to get so fat working here... nobody will ever take me out.
Stacy. How many times do I have to tell you? You are really going to be beautiful... someday.
What do you think of that guy who works at the theatre? You know, Mark Ratner.
Oh, come on. What is he? Fifteen?
I sent a letter to Doug today. I'll be so glad when he gets out here.
You really ought to look at this, Linda. There's a drawing on every page... and all these quizzes. It's like school.
Listen to this... 'What are your mate's three most erogenous zones?'
Okay, penis, that's one, balls...
Wouldn't penis and balls be the same category?
You're right. Probably penis, mouth and neck.
All right! Here's another one. 'The most satisfactory lovemaking occurs when your mate climaxes first, you climax first, you and your mate climax together?'
Climax together.
Does that ever happen?
No. But it's a nice idea.
How long does Doug take?
I don't know. Thirty to forty minutes.
What's Doug do in Chicago?
What do you think?
I didn't ask for any help. Did you, Linda?
God, he hardly even talks anymore.
Stacy! I've got water in my ears. Do you have any Q-Tips?
God, Stacy, it's not that sad. It's just David Soul and Ricardo Montalban.
You have been acting very strange the last few weeks.
What do you think it is?
What do you think it is?
It couldn't be.
It could be. I had a pregnancy test at the clinic. I'll find out Monday. I guess it was Damone.
Of course it was Damone. If it was Ron Johnson, you'd be out to here!
I'm not going to tell him. He's an asshole. I hate him.
You know, there's one thing you didn't tell me about guys.
What?
You didn't tell me that they can be so nice, so great... but then you sleep with them and they start acting like they're five years old.
I really thought he would show up. I waited... and waited... and waited...
That little prick.
Then I called his house, and his mother told me he was in the garage helping his father.
That little prick.
I paid for it and everything.
There goes your stereo for another year. Mike Damone is a no-brain little prick. I'm not letting him get away with this.
Don't do anything, Linda. I'd rather just forget about it. I don't even like the guy.
Another summer of working at Swenson's.
Come on. There's lots of men around here. Keep your eyes open.
You know, Linda. I've finally figured it out. It's not sex I want. Anyone can have sex.
What do you want?
I want romance.
Where's Doug?
He's not coming.
Not coming? What happened?
He says he's got to stay in Chicago. He says I should visit him sometimes.
Sometime?
Yeah, like maybe never.
But what are you going to do?
Well I might go to Dartmouth.
Dartmouth?!
I didn't tell anyone I applied cause I never thought I'd make it.
I can't believe it! But what about Doug?
There's a world of guys out there. I just wish I didn't have to date any of them.
Yeah. I'm registered for this class.
What class?
This is U.S. History, right? I saw the globe in the window.
Can I come in?
Mr. Spicoli?
You just ripped my card in two!
Yes.
Hey! Wait a minute! There's no birthday party for me here!
Thank you, Desmond. What's the reason for your truancy?
I couldn't make it in time.
You mean, you couldn't? Or you wouldn't?
I don't know, mon. The food lines took forever.
Food will be eaten on your time! Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this?
Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Learning about Cuba. Having some food.
Mr. Spicoli, you're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance in my class and on my time.
You better save some for me, you swine!
Mr... Mr. Hand.
Were you going somewhere tonight, Jeff?
Yeah. The Graduation Dance Mr. Hand. It's the last school event of the year.
I'm afraid we've got some things to discuss here, Jeff.
Do you want to sit there, Jeff?
I don't know. I guess so.
Now, Mr. Spicoli, comes a rare moment for me. Now I have the unique pleasure of squaring our account. Tonight, you and I are going to talk in great detail about the Davis Agreement, all the associated treaties, and the American Revolution in particular. Now if you can just turn to Chapter 47 of Lord of Truth And Liberty.
Hey, it's in my locker, Mr. Hand.
I think I've made my point with you tonight.
Hey, Mr. Hand, can I ask you a question?
What's that?
Do you have a guy like me every year? A guy to... I don't know, make a show of. Teach other kids lessons and stuff?
Well, you'll find out next year.
No way, mon. When I graduate U.S. history I ain't even coming over to your side of the building.
If you graduate.
Don't worry, Spicoli. You'll probably squeak by.
Aloha, Mr. Hand!
You look like you could still be in high school.
What can I get for you tonight.
Thanks for picking me up.
'The Cuer-vo Gold, the fi-ine Columbian.' You look nice tonight.
Thanks. So do you.
Where do you feel like going?
I don't know. Wherever you want.
How about the point?
The point sounds fine.
That's a nice shirt.
It's very warm out tonight.
Are you really nineteen?
I think I better take you home.
What about those other guys you live with?
Is this your first time?
What do you do with the jackets people leave here?
We keep them.
You keep them.
What's your other question?
Do you have a pen? This one's out of ink.
Thanks for coming to get me.
This is a nice car.
Do you have Mrs. George for English?
Yeah. She is pretty good.
Joey at Cinema Four said this is a pretty good restaurant.
Do you know what you want?
I think I'll have the Seafood Salad Special.
Are you all right?
Do you mind if I excuse myself for a moment?
Sure. I'll... have another Coke.
I had a really nice time tonight.
I never thought it would happen at The Atlantis. Jeez.
Do you want to come inside?
Aren't your parents asleep?
No, they're away for the weekend. Brad and I are watching the house.
Where's your brother?
I don't know. Probably out. Want something to drink?
No. That's okay.
Well, I'm going to change real quick. I hope you don't mind.
So... pretty nice house you've got here.
I don't know.
Do you want to see some pictures? I kept a lot of scrapbooks and pictures and stuff from junior high. How stupid, right?
This is me in the eighth grade. Did you have Mr. Deegan?
...I've got to go home.
Do you really have to go?
Where's Mike today?
Today's April 16th. Damone never comes to school on April 16th.
What's April 16th?
It's John Bonham's birthday.
John Bonham?
John Bonham. The drummer for Led Zeppelin. He died a couple years ago. Every birthday he stays home and plays everything John Bonham ever recorded. It's like his own holiday.
I made a fool of myself.
Nobody noticed. Don't worry about it. We'll just stay out here until everyone comes out, we'll blend back in.
What about the notes?
Hi, Mark.
Hi, Stacy. How are you?
Yeah? About fifty people I didn't know wrote that in my annual.
Really?
Well, I don't know, I may be doing some traveling this summer. I don't know how much I'll be around... But I'll give you a call sometime.
Are you ready to order here?
Well... sure. She will have the Seafood Salad Special. And I will have... the same.
Anything to drink?
Two Cokes.
Are you sure there's nothing else I can bring you?
Sir? This telegram came for you. Actually, it isn't for you. It's for somebody named Thompson, but it says 'care of Raoul Duke'. Does that make sense?
I checked the register for this man Thompson. We don't show him but I figured he might be part of your team.
What confused us was Dr. Gonzo's signature on the telegram from Los Angeles. When we knew he was right here in the hotel.
You did the right thing. Never try to understand a press message. About half the time we use codes -- especially with Dr. Gonzo.
Tell me. When will the doctor be awake?
Well... the manager, Mr. Heem, would like to meet him. Nothing unusual. Mr. Heem likes to meet all our large accounts... put them on a personal basis... just a chat and a handshake, you understand.
But he will be available? Perhaps later this morning?
Look. That telegram was all scrambled. It was actually from Thompson, not to him. Western Union must have gotten the names reversed. I have to get going. I have to get out to the track.
There's no hurry! The race is over!
Let's have lunch!
Of course, I could hear what the Clerk was really saying...
Certainly, Mr. Duke!
Oh, and could I get a quart of Wild Turkey, two fifths of Baccardi, and a night's worth of ice delivered to my room, please?
Don't worry about a thing, sir. Just enjoy your stay.
What's the message? My light is blinking.
Ah, yes. Mr. Duke? You have one message: "Call Lucy at the Americana Hotel, room 1600."
Mr. Duke? Hello, Mr. Duke, I'm sorry we were cut off a moment ago... I thought I should call again, because I was wondering...
WHAT? What was that crazy bitch said to him? There's a war on, man! People are being killed!
Killed?
IN VIETNAM! ON THE GODDAMN TELEVISION!
Oh... yes... yes... This terrible war. When will it end?
The woman who left that message for you sounded very disturbed. I think she was crying...
Crying? Why was she crying?
Well, uh. She didn't say Mr. Duke. But since I know you're here with the Police Convention...
Look, you want to be gentle with that woman if she ever calls again. We're watching her very carefully... this woman has been into laudanum. It's a controlled experiment, but I suspect we'll need your cooperation before this thing is over.
Well, certainly... We're always happy to cooperate with the police...
Don't worry. You're protected. Just treat this poor woman like you'd treat any other human being in trouble.
What? Ah... yes, yes, I see what you mean... Yes... so, you'll be responsible then?
Rum and ice, please.
You're another one of these California boys. Your friend here's been tellin' us about dope fiends.
They're everywhere. Nobody's safe. And sure as hell not in the South. They like warm weather... You'd never believe it. In L.A. it's out of control. First it was drugs, now it's witchcraft.
Naw! That's science fiction stuff!
Naked!?
Cut their goddamn heads off. Every one of them. That's what we're doing in California.
Hell, no. We'd never hear the goddamn end of it.
Dobermans don't talk.
I'm a whiskey man myself. We don't have much trouble from drugs where I come from...
You will. One of these nights you'll wake up and find a junkie tearing your bedroom apart.
Naw!
They'll climb right into your bedroom and sit on your chest with big Bowie knives. They might even sit on your wife's chest. Put the blade right down on her throat.
What happened? What did they do to her?
Do? Jesus Christ, man. They chopped her goddamn head off right there in the parking lot! Then they cut all kinds of holes in her head and sucked out the blood!
Yeh. The big guy used to be a major in the Marines.
A major!
We know where he lives, but we can't get near the house.
Naw! Not a major.
He wanted the pineal gland.
Really?
Hell, I really hate to hear this. Because everything that happens in California seems to get down our way, sooner or later. Mostly Atlanta. But that was back when the goddamn bastards were peaceful. All we had to do was to keep 'em under surveillance. They didn't roam around much... But now Jesus, it seems nobody's safe.
You're going to need to take the bull by the horns -- go to the mat with this scum.
What do you mean by that?
Where ya comin' from, young man?
Las Vegas.
A great town, that Vegas. I bet you had good luck there. You're the type.
I know. I'm a triple Scorpio.
Oh, my God!...
This is my granddaughter...
I want you to understand that this man at the wheel is my attorney! He's not just some dingbat I found on the Strip. He's a foreigner. I think he's probably Samoan. But it doesn't matter, does it? Are you prejudiced?
Hell, no!
I didn't think so. Because in spite of his race, this man is extremely valuable to me. Hell, I forgot all about this beer. You want one? How about some ether?
What?
Thanks for the ride. Thanks a lot. I like you guys. Don't worry about me.
"One toke over the line, sweet Jesus."
We're your friends. We're not like the others.
If so -- well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere. Because it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency, and they'll run us down like dogs...
Jesus! Did I say that?
Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?
God hell! I think I see the pattern! This one sounds like real trouble! You're going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. As your attorney I must advise you that you'll need a very fast car with no top and after that, the cocaine. And then the tape recorder, for special music, and some Acapulco shirts... This blows my
I tell you, my man. This is the American Dream in action! We'd be fools not to ride this strange torpedo all the way to the end.
O.K., O.K., yes. Hang onto it. We'll be there in thirty minutes. I finally located a car with adequate horsepower and the proper coloring. What?! OF COURSE the gentleman has a major credit card! Do you realize who the fuck you're talking to?
Don't take any guff from these swine. Now we need a sound store with the finest equipment. Nothing dinky. One of those new Belgian Heliowatts with a voice-activated shotgun mike, for picking up conversations in oncoming cars.
We won't make the nut unless we have unlimited credit.
...and we're chock full of that!
Damn right!
He said he understood, but I could see in his eyes that he didn't. He was lying to me.
Where's the medicine?
Turn up the fucking music! My heart feels like an alligator! Volume! Clarity! Bass! We must have bass! What's wrong with us? Are you goddamn old ladies?
You scurvy shyster bastard! Watch your language! You're talking to a Doctor of Journalism!
What the fuck are we doing out here? Somebody call the police! We need help!
Pay no attention to this swine. He can't handle the medicine.
Savage Henry has cashed his check! We're going to rip his lungs out!
Oh, Jesus! Did you see what god just did to us?
God didn't do that! You did it! You're a fucking narcotics agent, that was our cocaine, you pig!
You better be careful. Plenty of vultures out here. They'll pick your bones clean before morning.
How long do I have?
Maybe thirty more minutes. As your attorney, I advise you to drive at top speed. It'll be a goddamn miracle if we can get there before you turn into a wild animal. Are you ready for that? Checking into a Vegas hotel under a phony name with intent to commit capital fraud and a head full of acid.
Two Cuba Libres with beer and mescal on the side. Who's Lacerda, he's waiting for us in a room on the twelfth floor?
I was right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo. And somebody was giving booze to these goddamn things! It won't be long before they tear us to shreds!
I just went upstairs to see this man Lacerda. I told him I knew what he was up to... He says he's a photographer! But when I mentioned Savage Henry he freaked! He knows we're onto him!
That's the press table. Where you have to sign in for our credentials. Shit, let's get it over with. You handle that, and I'll check on the room.
Shoot it.
What are you talking about?
That's good...
I think he's lying to us. I could see it in his eyes.
Total control now. Tooling along the main drag on a Saturday night in Vegas, two good old boys in a fire apple red convertible... stoned, ripped, twisted... Good people!
How about "Nickel Nick's Slot Arcade?" "Hot Slots," that sounds heavy. Twenty- nine cent hotdogs...
Look, what are we doing here? Are we here to entertain ourselves, or to do the job?
Why?
Holy shit! They almost had us there! That was quick thinking.
Jesus creeping shit!
Did the mescaline just kick in? Or was that Debbie Reynolds in a silver Afro wig?!
This is the place. They'll never fuck with us here.
Some angry Rotarian shoves you and you think: What's happening here? What's going on? Then you hear yourself mumbling.
Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine. Watch out!... Why money? My name is Brinks; I was born... Born?
I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting The Fear.
Nonsense. We came here to find the American Dream, and now we're right in the vortex you want to quit. You must realize that we've found the Main Nerve.
That's what gives me The Fear.
Look over there. Two women fucking a Polar Bear.
Please, don't tell me those things... Not now. This is my last drink. How much money can you lend me?
Not much. Why?
I have to go.
GO?
Yes. Leave the country. Tonight.
Calm down. You'll be straight in a few hours.
No. This is serious. One more hour in this town and I'll kill somebody!
OK. I'll lend you some money. Let's go outside and see how much we have left.
Can we make it?
That depends on how many people we fuck with between here and the door.
I want to leave fast.
OK. Lets pay this bill and get up very slowly. It's going to be a long walk.
When does this thing stop?
Did you see that? Some sonofabitch kicked me in the back.
Probably the bartender. He wanted to stomp you for what you said to the waitress.
Good God! Let's get out of here! Where's the elevator?
Don't run. They'd like any excuse to shoot us.
Yeah... I thought we might need it...
Let's go up there and blast him out of bed with the fire hose.
No, we should leave the poor bastard alone. I get the feeling that he's avoiding us for some reason.
Don't kid yourself. That Portuguese son of a bitch is dangerous. He's watching us like a hawk.
That dirty bastard! I knew it! He's got hold of my woman!
That little blonde groupie with the film crew? You think he sodomized her?
Where'd you get that knife?
Room service sent it up. I wanted something to cut the limes.
What limes?
Have you made a deal with him? Did you put him on to her?
You evil son of a bitch. You better hope there's some Thorazine in that bag, because if there's not, you're in bad trouble.
Music! Turn it up. Put that tape on.
What tape?
Jefferson Airplane. "White Rabbit." I want a rising sound.
You're doomed. I'm leaving here in two hours and then they're going to come up here and beat the mortal shit out of you with big saps. Right there in that tub.
I dig my own graves. Green water and the White Rabbit. Put it on.
Of course, I'm your attorney, I'll give you all the time you need, at my normal rates: $45 an hour -- but you'll be wanting a cushion, so, why don't you just lay one of those $100 bills down there beside the radio, and fuck off?
How about a check?
I want that fucking radio!
Don't touch it! Get back in that tub!
Not me. It would blast you through the wall -- stone dead in ten seconds and they'd make me explain it!
BULLSHIT! Don't make me use this.
Jesus.
Fuck yes. I was beginning to think I was going to have to go out and get one of the goddamn maids to do it.
You bastard! You'd do that, wouldn't you?
Why worry? You'll like it. Nothing in the world like a Mace high. Forty- five minutes on your knees with the dry heaves...
You cheap honky sonofabitch...
Why not? Hell, just a minute ago, you were asking me to kill you! And now you want to kill me! What I should do, goddamnit, is call the police!
The cops?
There's no choice. I wouldn't dare go to sleep with you wandering around with a head full of acid and wanting to slice me up with that goddamn knife!
You bastard! I need a lawyer immediately!
What are you doing in Baker? Didn't you get my telegram?
What? Fuck telegrams. I'm in trouble. You worthless bastard. I'll cripple your ass for this! All that shit in the car is yours! You understand that? When I finish testifying out here you'll be disbarred!
You degenerate pig!
WELL? What are your plans?
Plans?
Lucy.
Shit. I met her on the plane and I had all that acid. You know, those little blue barrels. I gave her a cap before I realized... she's a religious freak... Jesus, she's never even had a drink.
Listen, she's running away from home for something like the fifth time in six months. It's terrible.
Jesus Christ. I knew you were sick but I never expected to hear you actually say that kind of stuff.
It's straight economics. This girl is a god-send. Shit, she can make us a grand a day.
NO! Stop talking like that.
I figure she can do about four at a time. Christ, if we keep her full of acid that's more like two grand a day. Maybe three.
You filthy bastard. I should cave your fucking head in.
NO! I felt sorry for the girl, I wanted to help her!
The only alternative was to take her out to the desert and feed her remains to the lizards. But, it seemed a bit heavy for the thing we were trying to protect: My attorney.
We have to cut her loose. She's got two hundred dollars. And we can always call the cops up there in Montana, where she lives, and turn her in.
What?... What kind of goddamn monster are you?
It just occurred to me, that she has no witnesses. Anything that she says about us is completely worthless.
Okay, Lucy, it's time to go meet Barbra...
I gave the cabbie an extra ten bucks to make sure she gets there safe. Also, I told him I'd be there myself in an hour, and if she wasn't, I'd come back out here and rip his lungs out.
That's good. You can't be subtle in this town.
As your attorney, I advise you to tell me where you put the goddamn mescaline.
Maybe we should take it easy tonight.
I saw these bastards in Easy Rider, but I didn't believe they were real. Not like this. Not hundreds of them!
They're actually nice people when you get to know them.
Man, I know these people in my goddamn blood!
Don't mention that word around here. You'll get them excited.
This is a fucking nightmare.
Read the newspapers.
Hell, in Malibu alone, these goddamn Satan worshippers kill six or eight people every day. All they want is the blood. They'll take people right off the street if they have to.
What could they do? The guy that took the head was about six-seven, and maybe three-hundred pounds. He was packing two Lugers, and the others had M-16s.
They just ran back out into Death Valley -- you know, where Manson turned up...
Like big lizards.
Yeh, naked!... except for the weapons.
What's wrong with you? Hell, somebody has to do it.
Sure. It's all on the Q.T., but everybody who matters is with us all the way down the line.
Sometimes it's easier to just rip out the backstraps.
Good work. They'll treat us like goddamn lepers after that.
Lucy is looking for you.
No, she's looking for you.
Me?
OK, goddamnit!... Look... I'll call her. I'll get her off our backs. You're right. She's my problem.
It's gone too far.
What is this?
Adrenochrome...
Hi, Lucy? Yeah, it's me. I got your message... what? Hell, no, I taught the bastard a lesson he'll never forget... what? No, not dead, but he won't be bothering anybody for a while. Yeah. I left him out there, I stomped him, then pulled all his teeth out...
I remember slumping on the bed, his performance had given me a bad jolt. For a moment I thought his mind had snapped -- that he actually believed he was being attacked by invisible enemies. But the room was quiet again.
Where'd you get this?
Never mind, it's absolutely pure.
I know, but the guy didn't have any cash to pay me. He's one of these Satanism freaks. He offered me human blood -- said it would take me higher than I've ever been in my life. I thought he was kidding, so I told him I'd just as soon have an ounce or so of pure adrenochrome -- or maybe just a fresh
Why not? We should get some of that. Just eat a big handful and see what happens.
Some of what?
Extract of pineal!
Sure. That's a good idea. One whiff of that shit would turn you into something out of a goddamn medical encyclopedia.
Man, your head would swell up like a watermelon, you'd probably gain about a hundred pounds in two hours...
Right!
...grow claws... bleeding warts.
Yes!
Man I'll try about anything; but I'd never touch a pineal gland.
So do we, lady.
I think we should put her on the payroll. See what she comes up with.
Alright, Alice... you'll be contacted by Inspector Rock. Arthur Rock. He'll be posing as a politician.
Fuck the car. They should make these things with a goddamn FM radio.
There was nothing in the atmosphere of the North Star to put me on my guard...
I was stupid with shock -- not knowing whether to run or start laughing.
How much is the lemon meringue pie?
What are you doing? You were supposed to turn back there!
The airport is over there!
No! I can't get out! They'll crucify me. I'll have to take the blame!
Ridiculous! Just say you were hitchhiking to the airport and I picked you up. You never saw me before. Shit, this town is full of white Cadillac convertibles. I plan to go through there so fast that nobody will even glimpse the goddamn license plate. You ready?
Don't take any guff from those swine. Remember, if you have any trouble you can always send a telegram to the Right People.
Please... please... I'm only the maid. I didn't mean nothin!...
What made you do it? Who paid you off?
The dope ring. You must know what's going on in this hotel. Why do you think we're here?
Maybe she's telling the truth. Maybe she's not part of it.
You'd pay me for that?
You're damn right. But the first time you say anything about this, to anybody -- you'll go straight to prison for the rest of your life. What's your name?
The password is: "One Hand Washes The Other." The minute you hear that, you say "I fear nothing."
May I see your license.
Could I have that, please?
You realize...
Yeah. I know. I'm guilty. I understand that. I knew it was a crime but I did it anyway. Shit, why argue? I'm a fucking criminal.
You know -- I get the feeling you could use a nap. There's a rest area up ahead. Why don't you pull over and sleep a few hours?
Okay. Here's how it is. What goes into my book, as of noon, is that I apprehended you... for driving too fast, and advised you to proceed no further than the next rest area... your stated destination, right? Where you plan to take a long nap. Do I make myself clear?
How far is Baker? I was hoping to stop there for lunch.
Not my jurisdiction. The city limits are two point two miles beyond the rest area. Can you make it that far?
You're lying! You were after the evidence. Who put you up to this -- the manager?
I don't know what you're talking about!
Bullshit! You're just as much a part of it as they are!
Come on, baby don't try to tell us you never heard of the Grange Gorman.
In that case, maybe she can help.
What?
Oh Lord! I'd do just about anything for that!
Oh, and don't bother to make up the room. That way we won't have to risk another of these little incidents, will we?
Whatever you say, gentlemen. I can't tell you how sorry I am about what happened...
It serves you right. You cheatin' jerk.
Spare me.
Stop!
What the fuck are you doing he's in there!
YOU'RE KILLING HIM!
You can't keep me here. This is bullshit. Fuckin' bullshit. This is fucking BULLSHIT!
We can't risk letting them in.
Careful.
I will not die because of him!
We should go! We should go right now!
Are you two all right? Did you see that!? They left! We made it! I think we made it!
They'll be back.
You know where it is?
We'll meet in three hours?
Where are you two going?
Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.
Where is everyone?
IS IT CLEAR?!
Yeah.
IS THERE A GUN POINTING AT YOU?
My god damn foot is gone! Who fuckin' shot me? Who fuckin' shot me!?
Well, it don't look pretty.
I got my .38 here. That's six shots and two refills. Downstairs, I think we got another rifle, maybe a scatterer and some gardening tools. Maybe a couple boxes of shells for The Judge.
I don't think you should...
One keg of Beast for the basement, then, truck's dry.
I have a CB in my truck, we could get some help out here.
Who the hell would you call?
Stop it.
We shot a skunk.
Hey! Get quiet or get out.
I think I know where a CB is.
Where's that?
Okay, now. Easy steps. Easy breaths. Easy steps.
Oh!
Wha?
You got something better?
We'll be food, dickheads!
Well, your last words can be "I told you so."
That's the oldest of the bunch, looked like the Grandpapa. We caught the little one, Junior, in the cooler there. As we've seen, what he lacks in size he more than makes up for in speed.
And the rest of 'em?
And that's how I ended up here.
So, your husband ditched you?
No, no, no it was... it was wild out there, no time to think, we just moved. He didn't leave me. He just ran. He just ran.
They're right here.
Jesus Christ, I'm gonna have a stroke.
Don't bullshit me! If you know a way out of this place and you're holding out --
What tunnel? Where?
It's in the basement, about a hundred yards long. It spits out on the backside of that hill down the way. There's a truck there.
HEY! No, I'm not trusting him either, that's why you and I will both be going with him.
What!? I'm not going down there again!
This is it! This is our only way out! They have this place surrounded. We go out the front, we're dead. We go out the back, we're dead, but if we go UNDER them... we might just make it. Now, who else is in? Seven can go.
You all sure about this?
Where's the tunnel?
We just smeared a skunk.
I'm gonna shoot him if they don't get him first.
You seem mighty collected about this.
You're trusting that guy? He'll ditch us and never look back.
Fuck you too.
Scared?
No. You?
I'd love to be macho, but this is a pants wetter from all angles.
Ohhh.
What?
That's an unwise thing to say, you know that?
Just an observation.
So, what now? Did those things leave?
Why don't you go check it out?
Any more ideas Animal Planet?
You weren't helpin'.
I'm telling ya, you got the cloth too deep, you're asking for it.
Do you drive a short beer bus or something? You go out there you get eaten, you stay in here you get eaten, anyone comes to help they get eaten. Don't you see a pattern here, Spuds Makenzie?
Well then I guess we should just give up.
We're better off.
Come on!
What now, Geronimo?
Why do you take shit from him?
Look, yeah, he's an ass, but he's my brother. Que sera-sera.
Your brother, huh?
Yep.
Your parents of relation?
I'm in.
We're going to get help.
We gotta try.
We gotta be close.
All right! Tell us about the truck!
My truck can't be more than ten feet away. We load into the back, I can get in the front and we roll out of here.
What's in the back?
Yeah, the lot's right there. My truck is right out back.
It's imperative that you get that truck moving.
How are you holding up?
Push and twist, it's child proof.
Oh.
What is this?
Magic potion. You should try a little.
Oh, no.
It'll calm your nerves. Works like a charm.
Really?
Uh huh. Just put a dab on your tongue.
Will I go crazy or something?
No, no, it calms you, makes everything nice and smooth. Just takes the edge off like a beer, but in a fraction of the time.
Wait, before you do that, help me to the kitchen, I need to lay down. There's a cot back there.
But --
It's much safer in there, sweety.
Doesn't your foot hurt?
Um-hmmm.
You wanna see, baby?
Sure.
How much you got?
How much you got to see the show?
What? Really?
My husband...
Well, where's the sonuvabitch!?
He's dead.
Jesus Christ on the cross... Someone make sense.
Easy. We're surrounded by something the likes none of you have ever seen before. Some kind of animals. Real fast, volatile, predators. ONE went through three of your patrons like they were Kleenex.
So, your dead hubby shot me twice, three of my customers have been eaten, and there are angry creatures outside?
He only shot you once.
Huh?
Will these boards hold?
The boards are solid oak planks, and the floor is reinforced by a steel grid beneath. Nothing real or supernatural is busting through this, least nothing the size of the beasts.
In the kitchen, under the sink.
Go for it. It's by the far wall. A small wave band. Channel 9 is the emergency frequency. But I don't see the point.
What?
What?
What do you mean what?
Huh?
What's going on between you two?
What's it for!?
Grass. I grow some pot down there. It's no big deal, just something I dabble in. The truck's for a quick get away, deliveries, whatever.
Is it gassed up?
Fully.
Four door?
Two.
Open?
Covered.
How many?
Holds four.
Max?
Seven.
Nine?
Seven.
Keys.
What!? So you can just get the hell outta here and forget about all of us!? No way! That's my god damn truck!
Let me make this clear; if we stay, we die!
What's that!? Wha'cha say? Huh?
This one will just stun ya, but this one will put ya to sleep.
You young'uns worry about weapons, I'm thinkin' bout strategy.
Oh? And what's that?
Sit still, look less like a meal.
I wouldn't do that, son.
I'll go with ya.
Welcome back.
They were all over the place.
Look, the armed surround the unarmed in a circle and we move as a tight group. Those that can shoot, protect the rest to his ride.
Bullshit.
Clever fuckers.
Blow the goddamn hatch!
Got 'cha!
'Eh, Chief?
Fine, Chief.
Gimme the keys.
NO, but I will lock you in.
What?
You are taking a chance that is not worth the risk.
Well, we are one miracle short tonight. So, just guard the stairs?
What?!
Move slow and move quiet.
Move it!
Shit!
JUST A BAT! I'M FINE! JUST A BAT! SORRY!
Hurry!
SHIT.
COME ON!
Yeah, maybe.
Where the hell are we going to go then, Billy Jack!?
You don't want the rag to touch the booze, that way you can hold it awhile and ensure it explodes when you throw it.
You sure? I thought the rag had to touch?
HELP MEEE!
I'm in a wheelchair, the truck sounds pretty good.
Nothin' will happen to you. You get on my back, hold on tight and we truck out of here together.
Am I too heavy for you?
OH JESUS!
Well, maybe they migrate?
Hey!
Okay, well... anybody else have an idea?
Yeah, I'll go.
Let's move.
Do we have anything else to defend ourselves with? Anything?
What's wrong?
Let's go.
DON'T!
Let's wait it out.
If you are face to face with her, dive left.
And the last one is the...
Okay, well that's something.
There's a rifle and a shotgun here.
Hold it!
Let's go!
If there is only one way out for us, there is only one way in for them.
Go! Go!
Not without you!!!
Get to your cars!
Oh my God... What is that?
Cody! Cody are you all right? Mommy's coming! Mommy's coming, baby! Don't move! Mommy's coming!
Oh sweetheart! What was I thinking? Mommy is never gonna let you go. Oh Jesus... Never, ever, never let you go.
Shut up! Shut your mouth. You have no idea what is running through me right now. No idea. I'm ready.
You know you don't have to do this.
I'm fine, I really am.
I admire your strength.
We all have to be strong, right?
Her name is Charlie.
Oh...
She's still alive, I hope. I wouldn't have made it this far if it weren't for the chance of seeing my little girl again. I need to get to her.
I'll do anything to help.
I know. Thanks. Just don't tell anyone I have a soft side.
We should stick together out there.
Did we make it?
Hey little bear, aren't you going to join the others?
Do you have a note to corroborate these claims?
Um, well...
Are you lying to me?
Well...
What did we say about lying?
I'm not lying.
You know that no one likes a liar, right?
What have you done now, broke the darn thing?
Well... come on.
This is a mistake. No. This is a disaster.
Come on, it's just what you need! Let everyone see you. Talk to them, live it up!
But we've been at it since six this morning. At least you could've let me go home and change.
Look, Frances, I didn't want this job. Think I'm crazy? But you begged me: improve your image. So please... lemme try, huh?
You're right. I'm sorry. Okay, let's go get 'em.
Here, take a few of these. Studio makes 'em in the basement. They keep the fat off.
So not only am I a troublesome bitch, but I'm fat too?
Frances? Oh no.
Refill my drink, will you, Bob?
What're you doing?
Putting on my armor.
Come on, Frances. Louella Parsons is here. She wants to talk to you, help you out.
Louella... didn't she call me a spoiled little bitch?
Come on, she's an important columnist! What's the matter? I thought you wanted these people to forgive you.
'Forgive'...? For What?
And on top of her political activities, now she's got a lawyer. She wants out of her contract, Mr. Bebe. She says she's through with motion pictures.
I'm sure it wasn't me, it wasn't me...
Excuse me, sir?
Well... you could always dump her, Mr. Bebe. Teach her a lesson. There are a million beautiful girls out there who don't give a damn about politics.
That's not the point. Frances Farmer has the world by the tit because of this studio, and now she thinks she can waltz off without a thank you. No. No, that young lady has a contract, and she's going to honor it.
Oh. I mean, good.
Good morning, Mr. Bebe!
Who's this?
Frances Farmer, contract player, six- month option.
Okay. Good tits. Can't we show them off a little more?
I guess so, sir.
That's Frances. I'm not the cookbook.
I like your looks. You have the classical bone structure of the very great beauties... Garbo, Dietrich --
Thank you --
Since we have you on a seven year contract, I'm planning long-range. I'm going to loan you out to Sam Goldwyn to make a picture called "Come and Get It."
Really? That's a very good book. It'd make a terrific --
Society is falling apart, Miss Farmer, and people have to buckle down, do their jobs. You see, I view myself as the Henry Ford of motion picture industry, and I can't have the fellow who puts on the wheels arguing with the man who installs head-lights, now can I?
But I'm concerned with everything, Mr. Bebe.
No, I'm concerned with everything.
But I'm the one up there on the screen.
Look, Mr. Bebe, you can hold me to my contract, but you can't break me. I'm back, and I'm gonna make the best of it.
Hi Frances, got a minute?
Well, I suppose I should just say it. It's your clothes.
My clothes?
Yeah, I mean slacks... and work clothes... and that awful car --
It's a perfectly good car. It runs.
Yes, but... Really, I hate to sound... it's just that the public expects something different from its stars. People won't take you seriously.
I don't care if my clothes are taken seriously. Or my car.
You know what I mean.
That's not all, Frances. Mr. Bebe is very concerned about your politics. He hears you've been donating money, speaking at rallies.
Yup. Claire... please, please tell Mr. Bebe that if he worried half as much about his scripts as he does about my private life, we'd make a lot better movies.
I'm sorry, Frances. It's my job, you know?
I know. 'This is a factory and we each have our jobs. The writer writes, the director directs, and the actress...'
Face it! Confess it! You're weak!
I'm not!
You're afraid!
I'm not!
You don't want to show your whole soul -- ugly, mis-shapen, and pitiful -- you don't want to show it --
Good, good. Give them that.
Madam...?
Oh my God! Frances, I'm such a cad. I can't go through with this. My wife is in Europe, but this is her house... her bedroom. I can't ask you to...
Okay, but come here first.
Huh.
The Group is more than a theatre company. It's the embodiment of an ideal. Our approach allows the actor to be an artist in the fullest sense, a creative individual and an instrument of change. You see --
Really, Mr. Clurman, you don't have to sell me.
Forgive my indulgence. Seems we always lecture those who are on time for those who are tardy. The point is, Mr. Odets here has written a wonderful play. Most of the roles are cast, but we haven't found our female lead...
...Not only an artist, but an instrument of change. We must look to the world around us, not content to observe, but to take an active hand in redressing its wrongs. We will not stand idly by as Fascist bombs obliterate democracy. We contribute our profits, for if fascism is not stopped in Spain, it will spread across Europe, jeopardizing the struggle of civilized
Hello, Harold.
Frances.
Where's Clifford?
He's not here.
What's up?
I hear you're meeting with the studio lawyers to get out of your contract.
That's right. I don't want them breathing down my neck while we're in London.
You don't think I'm good enough?
What?! Good Lord no, it's just... It's money. We needed backing and... well, we found it.
Who?
An actress.
A rich actress.
Yes. That's the deal. She plays Lorna.
But... but wait a minute. We're supposed to be different, right? Clifford says... This theatre is supposed to be different! And this play... this play is all about what greed and money do to people!
I know, but --
What does Clifford say?
Right now we have to be practical.
Does Clifford even know? You didn't tell him, did you? I'm gonna tell him. Where is he?
Hey, where's the fire, sister?
In my eyes, officer.
Cool off, beautiful. Didn't you see the sign says "Dimout Zone?" There's a war on, you know?
Come on. You're seriously trying to tell me the Japs can't find Los Angeles without my headlights?
Get your clothes on.
You have no right! You have no fucking right, you bastards! Get the hell out of here --
Get your clothes on, lady --
GET OUT!
You learn your lines?
Sort of.
There've been some calls.
Who?
Well... about half an hour ago that woman from the talent department called, what's her name?
Claire?
Yeah, Claire. She said she was fired. Too bad, huh?
Fired?
There was another call too. From your agent. He says your summer stock deal is all set. So you're going back east, huh?
...Yes.
Without me.
Showdown.
You weren't going to tell me, were you? Just pack up and leave, is that it?
Dick, we need some time apart --
Hey, I'm not a complete fool, you know. I can see you're going sour on me, and when I try to do something about it, you turn your back and say it's nothing.
Dick, I can't even breathe here...
Dwayne! I'm Dwayne now! And you damn well better get used to it!
Dick...
I don't suppose it occurred to you that I might want to leave too, that I might want to do theatre? No, 'cause you don't want me along, do you? And the reason has nothing to do with summer stock.
No?
No. It's all about that night, isn't it?
What night?
The premiere. I never pressed you about it but god damn it, you're gonna tell me right here and right now what happened and where the hell you were!
Oh, God! Let's get her out of here tonight, right now! Let's take her with us!
The hearing's tomorrow. If she gets out legally, they can't come after her.
Look at her! She'll never pass that sanity test tomorrow...
Let's get out of here! I'll lose my job!
Harry!
We're all square now, Harry. Right?
All square, Doc.
Doctor, it may sound odd, but I believe I've profited from my stay here. It's just what I've needed, to get away like this. But I'm recuperated now. I've had lots of time to think and I've made a few decisions about my life. I'm ready to get on with it.
I know you believe that.
...Don't you?
No. Cut this runaround, Doctor. I know better.
Listen to yourself, Frances. The resistance, the anger in your voice.
You... I'm sorry, forgive me. Doctor, tell me honestly, what do I have to do to get out of here?
Be patient, that's all. Take an interest in your treatment and don't dwell on your resentments. You'll be yourself again, I assure you.
...I see.
We'll talk more about this. I'll see you later.
Harry? Oh Harry, I knew you'd come. I love you, Harry. I love... Take me home, Harry.
We'll get you home, Frances.
This is the answer: a subscription drive to "Voice of Action!" First prize is a trip to Moscow! You could visit the art theatre, maybe even meet Stanislavski!
But I'll never win that.
Yes, yes, it's all arranged. Everyone's collecting subscriptions in your name. And the best part is: the trip returns you to New York.
Really?
New York, Frances! Broadway! This is your chance! You belong on the stage!
...until finally your mother finds it necessary to commit you to a state mental institution. Were you mentally ill, Frances?
Were you an alcoholic?
No.
Were you a drug addict?
Thank you, Ralph.
Bye, baby.
I'm... I'm really proud of you, Frances.
Thanks, Dad.
An essay contest... a national contest. That's pretty impressive.
I didn't have much to do with it.
You wrote it, didn't you?
Yeah, I suppose... Dad, who's Harry York?
Well, Harry York is a guy who... well, he does a lot of things. Why do you ask?
He talked to me today. Told me to keep my mouth shut or I'd get everybody in trouble.
Yeah... well... it's possible. Harry York and I both work for Mr. Kaminski right now, and... well... There are lots of folks in this country who never got a square break. That's the way of things, but Mr. Kaminski wants to change it, and when it comes to new ideas, the people in power get nervous.
Is Kaminski a Communist?
No, no, no. All he wants to do is see the common man get a little representation.
It's already started, Dad... with me.
I know.
Dad, please, don't leave early. Just because of Mama --
What do I do, Dad?
You really want to go?
Of course.
And you think it's worth all this?
If I didn't, I wouldn't put you through it.
I love you, Mama. I love you, Dad.
...So what do you think?
I don't know, honey. Your mother has such big plans for you.
I know that, Dad, but --
What you have to understand, Francie, is that she... well... she wanted so much for herself too, and for me, and she never really got to... The only time I ever saw her happy was if her name was in the papers... but she could have been... if times were different she could have been a politician or... I don't know.
But Dad, I'm asking about me. What do you think I should do?
Well, Francie, sometimes after you get your hands on something you want, it just doesn't look the same. Then you have to be real smart to know if you should hold onto it because it's all you've got... or just let it go. This is the way of things, but I guess you already know that.
Dad... whatever I decide, will it be okay with you?
I'm sorry, I... I don't have a desk in my room, and...
I don't care, Dad. I love you.
Francie, you know I can't do that.
Why? It's such a simple thing. You just let me out and I disappear down a road and you never have to see me again.
Dad, here! You don't have to stop, just slow down. You can tell Mama I jumped out. She knows that's the kind of thing I'd do. She won't blame you.
You know where you're taking me. You know what she'll do. Just give me a minute, slow down, give me an instant for once in your life, please?
Please, Francie...
Are you... are you hungry?
It always amazes me, Lil, how you can whip up a hot, hearty meal out of thin air.
Bread?
Thank you.
You're poisoning that child's mind.
I have a right to talk to her. She's my daughter, and she's beginning to understand why I've sacrificed so much in order to achieve...
You've sacrificed?! If you'd practice law for decent folk instead of Communists and indigents --
They need help, Lil. They pay me back in other ways.
How? What do they do for you, Kaminski and his friends? They're all anarchists! Traitors!
No, Lil. It's just you can't understand their brand of patriotism.
I'm going back to the hotel.
Good.
See you next weekend?
Lillian... I'm more than willing to meet you halfway.
Don't make me sick. I'd sooner drown myself in Puget Sound.
Kurt!
Oh, Angela! Go with these trappers! They'll lead you safely down the mountain...
But, Kurt, I...
No, No arguments. Be my good girl and go. There's a forest, a burning forest, and you know what I have to do!
Oh, Kurt!
Name?
Age?
Fifteen.
Address?
Just put me down as a avg -- a vagrant vagabond. Come on, this is a joke! Assault and battery? I barely touched that bitch!
I'm really sad it's closing. Now what am I gonna do on Tuesday nights?
You can always come see it in London.
Only if you were in it. Are you?
I wouldn't miss it.
Boy, I'd love to... but I'm going to Hollywood.
Are you an actor?
Hell yes!... well, okay, I'm still in school. But as soon as I graduate... California, here I come!
Are you really serious? About acting?
Why... yes.
Then don't go to Hollywood.
Why?
I'm telling you straight, if you have any serious ambitions, stay clear of the place. It'll crush you.
You sound as if you hate it.
Aren't you ever going back?
...Not if I can help it.
Gosh! You'll break a lot of hearts.
They'll mend.
What?
Will you be getting back together? When you quit Hollywood, I mean.
Is it true you're getting a divorce? Comrade?
Just one minute...
Momma told ya not to speak to strangers, huh? Hey!
Don't touch me.
Okay then...
Well... you're causin' trouble, you know that?
I'm causing trouble?! You're a pain in the butt! You newshounds've been after me and my folks ever since I won that dumb contest. I'm just sixteen, you know? Who the hell cares what I think?
Not me. But other people seem to.
Yeah. Well if you didn't put it in the papers -- nobody'd even know about it.
Now wait a minute, sweetie. Do I look like a newshound to you?
I'll... take your word for it. So who are you, then?
Harry York. I work for Martoni Kaminski, he's running for Congress here.
Oh yeah! I saw you in the newsreel!
Yeah, well --
You know, my Dad's done some work for Kaminski...
Now you're catchin' on. Don't wanna get your Daddy in hot water, do you?
Whattaya mean?
Well... see the papers've got us pegged as pinkos, then you come along, the friendly neighborhood atheist --
But I'm not. The newspapers're --
Right again. You're no more an atheist than my man's a Red, but what they're doin', see, they're addin' up their version of your ideas with their version of ours. Could look bad for your Daddy.
Sure don't talk like you're sixteen.
Well aren't you the smoothie. Now you're going to ask for my number, I suppose.
I suppose not. Gotta ask you this, though: for all our sakes, you better keep your trap shut.
Well... I'll give it a try, Mr. York.
Harry.
Hi, Harry. Did you see the play?
You think I'd miss it?
Well? What'd you think?
I just wanted to see how you looked.
How'd I look?
Enh.
Don't be a rat, Harry.
Honest. When you were up there, you were really... there, know what I mean? Everyone else looked stupid.
I don't know... I did... feel different... Alive.
Yeah, it's a gift. You gotta do something with it.
Yeah, but if I win this trip, Mama'll kill me. She hates Russians. I do want to go, though... to New York, especially... but I wanted to do it...
What?
Quietly.
You know, my old man was an inventor. Spent his whole life down in the basement trying to design transcontinental underground railroads, stuff like that. Well, I was supposed to be his partner. When I told him the smell of his workshop made me sick, I thought he was going to die right there.
What happened to him?
I kick myself sometimes, but the thing is, I would have been miserable living his life.
...So you think I should go.
Sure. Try this acting thing. You can make good money at it.
I don't know, Harry. I... I want so many...
You don't know what you want.
Frances...
What?
Well... don't you think it's up to me to...
How ya doin', Farmer?
Me? Look at you! What're you doing in Hollywood?
Not bad. But come on, Harry; what's the real reason?
Kaminski.
Yeah, I read about that. Terrible business, suicide.
Since when do you believe the papers? They killed him, kid.
What?
They killed him. They threw him out that window.
Oh no...
Jesus.
Yup. Poor bastard lay there on the sidewalk and he couldn't die. Too god damn much heart. He just didn't want to die.
But... but why, Harry...? Why'd they do it?
He wouldn't play ball. What can I tell ya... it's done. Anyway, I didn't want to be next, so I skipped town; came down here to work for some big-wig. Tail and nail job. I'm sort of a non-gentleman's non- gentleman. How d'ya like the camouflage?
Not bad. It was slow at first, but I'm doing bits now.
I always told ya, Frances. You got real ability.
I know what ability you're interested in.
Hey, I'm a man, aren't I? Whattaya say we have dinner, then maybe head out to the beach, rub some of this tan off each other. For old time's sake.
Harry... I met someone.
Serious, huh?
Yeah.
Shit. I meant the other way around.
Well, the studio told me not to.
Is that why you did it?
Who ever thought they'd be right for once? Jesus, Harry... it's a zoo back there --
You're telling me.
Dick... and my mother! She acts like she's on Mars or something --
Well, she's back to earth now. They're all pretty huffed up about your leaving. I think you better go back, kid.
You know, the funny thing is: it's not a great movie. I mean it could've been, but they screwed it up, gave it a happy ending. And all my friends, I know they're going to smile and say they loved it.
If they say they love it, they'll probably love it. Not everybody lies, you know?
Frances, you're a movie star now. If you give them what they want, you can get anything.
I don't have what they want, Harry. Harry, will you tell me something? How can I keep making movies when people in the streets are starving?
Some people starve, kid. Until we can do something about it, they might as well see a movie. Makes 'em feel better.
But I don't want to be like that. I want to do something...
What're you gonna do, waste your talent? Why not use it to make something worthwhile. You can do that, you know?
Tell you what. Let's ditch the limo. Let me drive you up to that red carpet in my beat up Chevy.
The hell you will, Harry York.
Don't start, Farmer.
It's midnight, Harry. My glittering raiments are dissolving.
The chauffeur. He's watching.
He deserves a show. He missed the movie.
I'm serious, Frances. This is important.
Harry? Harry, where are you?!
Jesus, Frances, how'd you find me?
I called your god-damned office! I want you to kill him, Harry. You'll do that for me, won't you? I loved him, I loved him... that bastard.
Calm down, Frances.
Two lines! Two fucking lines! 'My wife returns from Europe tomorrow. I can't see you any more.' Just like that!
Frances...
How the hell do you find me anyway?
Animal magnetism! No ginger beer. What's this red stuff?
What's left of my blood.
Think I'll have a glass.
Nice joint. Can you afford it?
Nope. The studio pays. Thank you, Harry.
What for?
For not chopping off his head and serving it to me on a platter.
Six months' probation...? You gotta learn when to do battle, Farmer. You're not going to win many bouts with 200 pound cops.
I took the early rounds.
I'll bet.
I don't know. It hurts, Harry. Some things, no matter what you do with them, they just hurt.
So you drink, and you fight with a cop...?
Yeah, and you look at people and you wonder who the hell they are, what's going on inside their heads. Sometimes you can hear it, like a buzzing, the things that happen in their heads. And you wonder: does anybody ever love anybody, really?
Hey look, I got some business down in San Diego. Whattaya say you come with me, stay a few days?
No, Harry, I can't --
I just wanted to be part of something... one thing, one play or one movie, something that was really fine... memorable. And I could say: I did that, I made something good.
And?
Take a walk, pal.
Oh my God, I look awful.
Evening, gorgeous.
That sure looks like fun... You know how long it's been since I was behind the wheel?
Forget it, Frances. You're not driving.
Where are we, mean man?
Couple hours from Idaho. We'll cut across to Montana. I've got friends there with a ranch.
I should've known...
What?
This is another one of your schemes to get me off alone...
That's right.
I don't think I'd be much good in a war...
Whattaya think you're in now?
I don't know. Not a war exactly. It's more a... a misapprehension maybe...
Huh?
Harry, I have to go home. I have to talk to Mama.
Frances, you're fulla drugs. You don't know what you're saying. Who do you think put you into Meadow Wood? Your mother thinks you're crazy and she'll keep on thinking it as long as it suits her.
No, she just didn't want me going to jail, that's all.
You know something, Harry?
I guess.
Aside from meanness, you're almost perfect. There's only one other thing wrong with you.
What's that?
Ohhh, that's lousy Scotch!
Hey! Another shot for the lady and a double for me!
What a man!
Hey, you're a good quarter-horse, kid, but you can't go a route of ground.
To quarter-horses.
Why are you always leaving me, Harry?
Huh?
You should stickaround sometimes. Look out for me.
Look, Frances, I'm only gonna ask this one time. I mean it. I swear after this, I'll never ask again: Will you marry me?
I know a thing or two about marriage. You... you understand me more than anyone, Harry... maybe even more than Mama. But... you're too important to me. I'd fail you. I don't know how or why, but I would. And that's a chance I just can't take. Do you understand?
There's just one more thing.
What's that?
It's not too late to keep going, up to Vancouver? Be the smartest thing.
Thanks, Harry, really, but... I can't explain it. She's my mother. She's just... I can't give up on her that easy.
You give up on her?
Yeah. It's just... something I gotta do, I guess.
Frances, You're crazy.
Anyway... if you need me...
Frances! Frances!
Who?
Frances, it's me, Harry?
I love you, Harry. I love you.
Where to?
This is it, kid. This is our chance. When you got a chance, you better take it.
Yeah. I don't know.
You don't need to screw around anymore. You don't need Dwayne Steele or Odets or your mother. You need me.
Been a lot of years, you know. A long time waiting. For what? End up feeling like a sap.
Oh please, Harry... don't even think it. You're the only person who ever... It's just... Can't you wait for me?
I don't know.
Yes you do. If you love me you can wait, right? A month, six months, whatever it takes.
Right. Except... time has a way of --
No, Harry, it's not time, it's us. You and me. And I'm telling you now that I'll come to you, okay? I'll find you. I will.
C'mere. I want to talk to you.
How... how ya doin', Farmer?
Fine, thank you. Did you watch the show?
Sure I did, that's why I'm here.
How did I look?
Oh, you... ...ennh.
I got a new car. Only it's red. Did you know Mama died?
Yeah. Yeah, I heard about that.
Dad, too. I sold the house. I'm a faceless sinner, Harry...
Why do you say that?
It's going to be slow from now on. Do you know what I mean, Harry?
I'm not sure.
Very slow. But we're not going to stop, are we?
No.
Goodbye, Harry. It was very good to see you again.
Yes. Would you like me to walk a little way with you?
That would be okay.
Pretty morning.
It's always beautiful at this time. Peaceful...
And no people.
Where you goin'?
Wherever they're going, I'm going.
Yeah, I know what that's like... Where you been?
Yeah.
What'd you do?
Shit!
...Is that not true?
Who's writing this guy's lines?
Answer the question! Have you driven a car since you were placed on probation?
No, I couldn't get my hands on one.
Have you reported to your Probation Officer as directed?
I never saw him. Why didn't he show up?
Did you expect him to look you up?
You're on your way to a contempt citation, young lady.
That's fine with me... Get it? Fine. A fine! Hey c'mon, c'mon, what is this, an audience or a jury?
Miss Farmer, is it true you fought with the policeman who arrested you last night?
Sure it's true. I was fighting for my country as well as myself.
Miss Farmer! In light of your flagrant disregard for the conditions of your probation, coupled with the unwarranted assault on the Plaintiff here... I am forced to order you to begin serving a sentence of 180 days in the County Jail.
Fine!
What happened? Who're you?
Who're you?
I live here.
You're Farmer? Oh... Well, look, they took your stuff out. Moved it to some hotel, I think.
What?
And what's the title of this seduc... assault?
That's me, Clifford.
I'm not!
Yes, you win them, you bring them into your heart, touch them, but you don't set them on fire!
But I want to. I'm trying!
I need an incendiary! An arsonist!
Then show me! That's what I'm here for, to learn, to grow!
'But how do I know you love me?'
Your big speech?
'How do I know it's true? You'll get to be the champ. They'll all want you, all the girls! But I don't care. I've been undersea a long time. When they'd put their hands on me I used to say, "This isn't it! This isn't what I mean!" It's been a mysterious world for me! But Joe, I think you're it! I don't know
How's it sound?
The speech? Real good.
You think I got it?
You got it.
Mama...
Don't listen to him, little sister. When you're proud of what you are, you don't refuse the label, understand?
Yes, Ma.
But they're using you!
I'll pay your way to New York. I'll work, I'll slave. I'll sell my vegetables to the truck farmers, or --
It isn't in your hands, Mama. It's my life.
Yes, but important people are concerned about this. Judge Hillier spoke to Alma Styles --
I don't care.
It's okay.
It's alright now, little sister, everything's going to be just fine.
Mama, what's...
Shhh, shhh. You're not going to jail, Frances. The Judge has put you under my care. I'll see you get the rest you need.
Tell them who I am! Tell them who I am!
And here's one from nice Mr. Zeiss. He says that...
Why are these all opened?
Well, they needed immediate answers, Frances. It's good manners and good sense. You shouldn't be bothering yourself with these right now.
Then why did you bring them?
It's your fan mail, little sister.
You kill me, Mama.
What?
Well, who have we here...?
Oh Mama, I'm so... tired of that song.
I think I need a little air.
What's wrong?
Nothing. I think I'll just go out for awhile.
Where are you going?
How long will you be?
I'll have lunch ready by one.
I'll be back.
At one. Promise?
Say you promise.
You know, the surest way to lose an appetite, is to drink, little sister.
Yes, Mama.
I don't want you drinking, Frances.
I'm back, Mama.
Oh Frances, do I have news for you! Guess who --
Don't... talk crazy.
Mama...?
Haven't you heard what I said?
I told him to come up! I told him you wanted to show them all that there's nothing wrong with you any more, that you're completely cured!
I'm not cured. I was never sick! They had no business putting me in there! My only responsibility is to myself now!
You... you selfish, selfish child. At least talk to him, hear what he has to say.
No!
You want to throw it all away, is that it? You had everything, little sister. Beauty... a brilliant career... a wonderful husband. You were a movie star!
Mama, shut up!
And now you're throwing everything away? You're gonna be a nobody! Nobody! You know what that's like?!
Where are you going?
I'm going out!
You're not going anywhere!
Yes, I am, and you can't stop me! You can't tell me what to do, mother. I'm a grown woman, and I can decide about my own life.
Of course, she hasn't anything definite in mind.
Oh, just leave those things for now.
You know, little sister, I never resented you for refusing to see me in the... the hospital. I knew you had to manage on your own before you could come back.
Little sister, I don't want you to feel any rush to get back to work. I want you to rest... for a while anyway.
Do I go right away or do I have time to take a bath?
I was hoping for a kind word, little sister.
You were hoping for a kind word?! You're my mother! You're supposed to nourish me! Support me!
No! All you've done is try to break my spirit, try to turn me into you! But I'm not you, mother, and I never will be, and thank god for it! That goes for you too! And frankly, I don't know how, with the two of you, I turned out as sane as I am -- Wait right there, gentlemen, I'll be with you
But what --
On behalf of the Seattle Ladies Club, as a token of our vast admiration --
Excuse me.
Yes...?
Don't I know you?
I don't believe so.
Sure. You shouted at me in the auditorium when I read my essay.
No, my dear. You must be mistaken.
I find these initial meetings to be much easier without the concerned relatives in attendance.
Am I supposed to say 'thank you'?
Thanks are hardly necessary.
Aw, shucks, ma'am. T'weren't nothin'.
I'm glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor.
It ain't for lack of trying.
So it seems. May we be serious for a moment?
Oh! Are you really?
Do you expect me, for one moment, to believe you have greater insight into my personality than I do?
Please sit down...
You may discuss my predicament, Doctor. You may discuss it with anyone you like, but not with me. I'm not interested. I can solve my problems without recourse to a veternarian.
I see.
Besides, I don't want to be what you want to make me.
And what's that?
Normal. Average.
All right. Will you please sit down now? Symington says.
...Did you really say that?
Just a little joke, Miss Farmer.
This whole thing is a joke!
Stay calm, please.
No, you stay calm, Doctor! But you're finding that difficult, aren't you? Why, are you attracted to me? Perhaps later, in some of our more intimate sessions... after we know each other a little better... and you've torn my personality to shreds, and I'm weeping and vulnerable... then you'll really get your kicks, won't you, "Doctor?"
I'll have someone show you to your room.
Is there something else?
...I'm sorry to keep you waiting, the staff review ran over. Did you enjoy your mother's visit?
Yes. It was very good to see her.
Not at all. She brought me my fan mail. I had no idea there were so many strangers concerned about me. But I guess that's the best thing about working in the movies. You make so many friends. I want to go back and show them that the faith they put in me wasn't a mistake.
You're telling me you feel guilty.
No... What I mean is... I'm just very excited by the prospect of getting on with my life, that's all.
Do you really believe your mother's trying to kill you?
What?
She told me you said, "Mama, you want to kill me."
I never said... Oh look. That's just a figure of speech. She said something funny, and I said...
And you accused her of tampering with your mail.
I'm sorry. She misunderstood, that's all.
But you tell me you had a pleasant visit and your mother says you were sullen and uncommunicative. Whom do you think I should believe?
Doctor, I hate to break this to you, but my mother is a little batty.
Frances, you're still filled with anxiety. You feel guilty and hostile toward your family and friends. Consequently, I didn't recommend your release at the staff review.
You what?
I'm sure you'll see it my way in the end.
Dr. Symington, how big is your dick?
Huh?
I want outta here, you understand? I'm ready to get out! So you go back there... you go back and you tell them to let me out!
Frances, I'm warning you...
Symington says...
And do you think it's radical for a man to have a job and feed a family?
No!
Is it radical for you to have a hand in shaping your future, and the future of your children?
No!
Is it radical for the wealth of this country to be turned back to the people who built the country?
No! No!
I don't know why they even bother. She's had enough of this to knock sense into a bull elephant.
Yeah?
I checked the files. This one holds the record for shock treatments. Four hundred seventeen and no end in sight.
You're kidding.
Yeah, well, you know doctors. They sure hate to use that word.
What?
You were with him at the end.
Yes.
I longed to be with him. But I wanted his final moments to have peace. I could see you were a friend to him.
What is that to you? Evil as you are.
I am as he made me. In his own image.
You drove him to his torment.
And he drove me to mine.
Then why weep for him?
I've never been shown a kindness. Show me one now.
What kindness?
Nice.
I'm glad you finally came to the door. A man shouldn't have to scurry in the shadows.
Better that way... for me.
Why?
I'm... very, very ugly. People are afraid. Except you.
It can't be as bad as that.
You're an outcast.
Yes. I have been seeking my friends.
Friends? Do they live around here?
Yes. Very close
I have been... afraid. Afraid... they will hate me... because I am so very ugly... and they are so very beautiful
People can be kinder than you think.
Come warm yourself if you like.
You speak.
Yes, I speak. And read. And think... and know the ways of Man. I've been waiting for you. Two months now.
The letters in your journal. That and a geography book. Your Elizabeth sounds lovely.
Kill me and have done with it.
Kill you? Hardly that.
Then why am I here? What did you want with me?
More to the point, why am I here? What did you want with me? What does one say to one's Maker, having finally met him face to face? Milton gave it voice. Did I request thee, Maker, from my clay to mould me Man? Did I solicit thee from Darkness to promote me?
Fine words from a child killer. You who murdered my brother.
Your crime... as well as mine.
How dare you. You're disgusting and evil.
Evil? Do you believe in evil?
I see it before me.
Why, Victor? Why? What were you thinking?
There was something at work in my soul which I do not understand.
What of my soul? Do I have one? Or was that a part you left out? Who were these people of which I am comprised? Good people? Bad people?
Materials. Nothing more.
In which part of me did this knowledge reside? In these hands? In this mind? In this heart? And reading and speaking. Not things learned... so much as things remembered.
Trace memories in the brain, perhaps.
Stolen memories. Stolen and hazy. They taunt me in my dreams. I've seen a beautiful woman lying back and beckoning for me to love her. Whose woman was this? I've seen boys playing, splashing about in a stream. Whose childhood friends were these? Who am I?
I don't know.
What can I do?
There is something I want. A friend.
Friend?
A companion. A female. Like me, so she won't hate me.
Like you? Oh, God, you don't know what you're asking.
I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all. I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine. And rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will demonically indulge the other. That choice is yours. You're the one who set this in motion,
And if I consent?
Soon?
Yes. I want this over and done with.
Why... her?
What is this?
A brain. Extremities.
This was not taken from a grave.
What does it matter? She'll live again. You'll make her.
You will honor your promise to me!
I will not! Kill me now!
She's beautiful.
She's not for you.
GET AWAY FROM HER! SHE'S MINE!
Poor William! What indignant tears!
That's the nature of all progress, William. Don't let your brother sway you otherwise.
Elizabeth, really! He's quite mad!
Scandalous! What would your dear mother say?
You dance so beautifully together.
Must've been a terrible row.
Nothing. Still nothing.
It's been months. It's not like him.
Something's wrong. I know it. I've heard rumors of cholera spreading south from Hamburg.
So have I
I should go. I should leave today.
Elizabeth. If it's true, travel into Germany would be banned. You'd never get near Ingolstadt. Besides, they're only rumors.
And not a word of them to Father. He's agitated enough not hearing from Victor.
Are you all right?
He always was opinionated.
What does it say?
Have you seen Willie?
Is he not back yet?
Claude rode over there to see if held lost track of time. They say he never arrived.
Don't cry, Elizabeth.
Are you sure it can't hurt us?
How could all my father's knowledge and skill fail to save her?
What kind of God is He to will this?
She was mother to me as well. But ours is the job of the living. It's up to us now to hold this family together. We must think of Father and be strong for him. I cannot do that alone.
God took her from us.
Victor, have a care! You'll make him dizzy!
Oh, do give him here! He needs to be comforted and held!
Don't listen, Willie. Progress is a feast to be consumed. Women would have you believe you must walk before you can run. Or run before you can waltz!
Smell the air. Wonderful.
Quite a send-off, isn't it?
Father's so proud.
And you?
Prouder still. You'll be the handsomest student there.
I'll have to do better than that.
You will. What do you want, Victor?
I've loved you all my life
This feels... incestuous.
Brother and sister still?
I wish to be your husband.
I wish to be your wife.
Then come with me to Ingolstadt. Marry me now.
If only I could. But one of us must stay. Father's not strong. Willie's just a child. Who can look after them in your absence? Who can run the estate?
Only you.
You make me weak.
Our decision. Together.
Your decision. For us.
I give you my soul...
...until our wedding night. When our bodies will join.
Victor. I love you,
My mind was not playing tricks. He was there in the storm... gloating over his crimes... challenging me to come.
But why risk yourself? Hasn't this family suffered enough?
I've no choice
If what you say is true, it is a matter for the police!
Do you know this man? Is there something between you?
I thought I'd never see you again!
What sort of task?
It's not something I can explain now. Perhaps someday.
What of our marriage? Victor, we've had so much tragedy. I want this family to live again.
So do I.
We need each other now, I need your comfort and strength, not separation and solitude.
No. Not tomorrow, not next week, Marry me today.
Why the change? What about your work?
It was misguided and pointless. Is your answer yes?
It is
We'll leave this afternoon, right after the ceremony. Pack only what you need.
Does this have something to do with that man you saw?
Yes. We're in danger here. Every moment we stay.
Victor, tell me why! Trust me!
Brother and sister no more.
I remember the first time I ever saw you. Crossing the floor of the grand ballroom with my parents at your side. So beautiful even then.
Victor!
It's going to ram us.
Captain, I implore you. The men are frightened and angry. They want your assurance.
They knew the risks when they signed on. I've come too far to turn back now.
A warming wind.
This ice will break yet. How's our guest?
He died. Raving about phantoms. He was mad, poor devil. Gather a detail. Have the body removed from my cabin.
I'm quite serious. Look at all the charity and clinic work we do. Up until thirty years ago, the concept of vaccine was unheard of.
You're saying all disease will eventually be eradicated?
I'm convinced. Not by treating symptoms, but by diving nature's most jealously-guarded secrets.
Do you foresee this happening in our lifetimes?
No. But someday.
Professor?
I was just clearing my throat.
I am not mad.
Are you having me on?
Henry Clerval.
Victor, Victor Frankenstein.
Do you really think I'm mad?
Rich old ladies and their daughters?
Can you think of a better reason?
Quite a few.
The entire school heard it. It wasn't something one could miss.
You're a comfort to me, Henry.
What now? Writing about it in your journal won't help.
Now you've got him started.
These are exciting times, Henry. We're entering an era of amazing breakthroughs. Look at Edward Jenner. He wasn't content to bleed people with leeches, he pioneered a new frontier of thought
...yes, and thanks to him, smallpox has been virtually eliminated. I've heard this speech before.
Only you would think of that!
And here's to Him. Everything in moderation, Frankenstein.
They just caught the man who did it.
He was a frightened soul who acted out of fear and ignorance.
They'll hang him all the same.
Keep your voice down. You don't know what you're saying.
You're making a scene!
Why Waldman? He of all people should have cheated death!
You can't. Death is God's will!
I resent God's monopoly.
That's blasphemy!
Blasphemy be damned! Waldman spent his life trying to help people!
All the more reason for us to continue his work with the poor!
No. He had more important work.
Victor. This has got to stop. Nobody's seen you in months. You haven't attended a single class.
I've been preoccupied.
We all know how hard you took Waldman's death. Even Krempe is sympathetic. But it is time to move on. It is time to concern yourself with life.
That is my concern. I'm involved in something just now. I want to finish it in Waldman's memory.
How much longer?
This is a bad time, Henry. I'm busy just now. What do you want?
Things have gone worse with this cholera outbreak. Thousand new cases a day now. Classes have been suspended. University's shut down.
Yes? And?
Listen to what I'm saying. The militia's arriving to quarantine the city. Most of us are getting out while we still can.
Thank God your fever broke. Slowly, now. Just a sip. I've been worried we might lose you. It's been touch-and-go for a week.
A... week?
We feared cholera. Turned out to be pneumonia, brought on by nervous exhaustion and some idiot running around in a storm.
Is that your diagnosis?
Mine and Professor Krempe's. We've been trading off nursing you in shifts. The rest of the time we're out working with the cholera victims. It's his turn for that just now.
You've been going round-the-clock?
We catch a few hours sleep where we can. Usually here at your bedside.
Everything in moderation, Clerval.
It's the down-and-outs I pity most. Those who can't fend for themselves. They'll be dead by the thousands before this is done. They don't stand a chance out there.
No. They don't.
Quite a place.
Thank you, Henry.
For what?
What happened up there?
Are you sure you'll be all right?
Yes, don't worry. I'll look after your father. You look after her.
I'll be back as soon as I've got her far away and safe. We'll hunt this fiend down together.
Only if you'll tell me who he is.
All that I once loved lies in a shallow grave. By my hand.
Yes. I took refuge in the barn. Wouldn't you? Lost in the storm? Freezing and wet? I was exhausted and could search no longer.
I have always loved him.
Is it also not true that you murdered his brother William in a misdirected crime of passion?
Murder Willie? In my heart, he was our child. Victor's and mine. Such a thing could never have entered my mind.
So you have claimed. Yet you have no explanation for this. The locket last seen in the hands of the poor murdered child was found hidden in your dress the morning following the murder. The locket you so coveted. How did it come to be in your possession?
In science, the letter of fact is the letter of law. Our pursuit is as dogmatic as any religious precept. Think of yourselves as disciples of a strict and hallowed sect. Someday you may be priests... but only if you learn the scripture chapter and verse. Any questions?
But surely, Professor, you don't intend we disregard the more... philosophical works.
Philosophical?
Paracelsus?
Or Albertus Magnus. Cornelius Agrippa...
What is your name?
Victor Frankenstein, sir. Of geneva.
You seem to be adapting well to the approved curriculum.
Professor Waldman.
Victor, explain yourself.
Krempe has a way of provoking my temper.
You have a way of provoking his. I've been watching you. You seem impatient with your studies.
To say the least. I came here to expand my mind, but honest inquiry seems strangled at every turn. All we do is cling to the old knowledge instead of seeking the new.
You disdain accepted wisdom?
Preposterous.
Electricity.
It's utterly fantastic! This is the sort of thing I'm talking about! We should be learning this!
Why? God alone knows what it means. Until it has proven value, it's nothing more than a ghoulish parlor trick. Hardly fit for the classroom.
But the possibilities. Combining ancient knowledge with new? Something like this could change our fundamental views!
It is a thrilling direction to explore. Thrilling and dangerous. Nature can be wonderful and terrible. Science is not a realm for the reckless; it needs a conscience. We must proceed cautiously. Assess as we go. What I do on my own time is my own business. The same holds true for you. You wish to expand your mind? Fine, do so. You can
I doubt that decision is still mine to make.
"...a sincere and heartfelt apology which you will then read aloud to him before the assembled student body and faculty.
Why?
Re-configure the leads?
Victor. He was trying to be gracious.
I tell you what we need, my friends. Forget the symptoms and diseases. What we need is a vaccine for death itself.
You're awake. I've prepared some broth. It'll help restore you.
Frostbite. Gangrene. A simple diagnosis.
Are you a physician?
How is it you come to be here?
There's a startling question, coming from you. I'm captain of this ship. We sailed from Archangel a month ago, seeking a passage to the North Pole.
Ah. An explorer.
Would-be. I'm plagued with my share of difficulties just at the moment.
I heard.
I can't say I blame them. We're trapped in this ice and bedeviled by some sort of... creature.
Creature? A... human like creature?
You know of it?
Your men are right to be afraid.
Then explain it, whatever it is. It could save the voyage. I've spent years planning this. My entire fortune.
You'd persist at the cost of your own life? The lives of your crew?
Do you share my madness?
We are kindred, you and I. Men of ambition. Let me tell you all that I have lost in such pursuits. I pray my story will come to mean for you all that is capricious and evil in man.
Who are you?
He's dead... She's dead... all dead... Please save me... oh... poor Bill... Oh my God, oh my God... oh God...
It will be all right. I'll take care of you.
It's just this place. The storm. That's why you're all upset.
So young, so pretty. What monster could have done such a thing?
The killer is still out there.
We should go now.
What'd you see?
Shows how much you know. It's something about tomorrow.
Tomorrow is another day.
Melvin Belli.
I think we should go wake them up. Just in case.
Give them a little while longer. It's still early, anyway.
Good night, Alice.
Cabin B is ready.
That's got her. Thanks. I'm Steve Christy. Welcome to Camp Crystal Lake. You got some grubby clothes? Climb into 'em. Alice, see if Bill has cleaned out the boathouse. I want him to start with the canoes. What happened to Brenda?
You draw very well.
Any particular reason?
Just a feeling. Nothing personal.
You want to leave?
I don't know. Probably be best for everybody.
Next Friday.
I've got to go to town and pick up the trailer and all that other stuff, but I'll be back around ten. If you're still up, we can talk, okay?
Steve said for you to start on the boats.
Alice? The others show up?
You think you're gonna last all summer?
Steve said you were thinking of leaving. True?
Oh, my God...
How come you're leaving?
It's long and personal. It has nothing to do with you or the other kids.
And it's this place. It makes no sense, but it spooks me.
Filmmaker.
It still hurts?
What'll you do when you leave here?
I didn't know I was asleep... What time is it?
You can only do what you can do.
How the... did he get in there?
Trouble?
Jack and Marcie are gonna be drenched.
It wouldn't matter except Steve should be getting back pretty soon. It wouldn't look so great if he fell over them.
Good point.
Help you clean up?
I don't hear it anymore.
Can't hear anything through that wind and rain.
It sounded like Brenda.
I'll go take a look.
Where?
I'll go check on Brenda.
Jack?
Marcie?
It's dead. Try the pay phone.
Do you have a dime? A quarter?
What's the matter with it?
Why don't we run? Just run now?
How come?
I'll be along.
I'm sorry.
Sure.
I'm gonna go lie down and catch some z's. Today wiped me out. Thanks, Alice.
You said we were special.
You know what I said, though.
I wouldn't know.
Claudette...
Somebody'll see.
Somebody's there, Barry.
Come on, Claudette. A man's not made of stone.
Let's go back, Barry...
What the hell?
Give me a hand?
This is almost like the one at my uncle's cabin in Maine.
I'll be okay. Holy shit...
You saved my life.
I had to.
Thanks.
Floor probably leaks. This area is full of springs.
What is it?
Roll him over!
Chance to get even?
You just had some lucky shots.
Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?
I don't believe you...
You ever fire one of those bows again, and I'll tack you up on the wall to dry.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Holy shit...
No wonder they lost America. How could you sneak around in the bushes wearing that? What's to eat?
What hath God wrought?
That was the telephone.
Ha!
Ow!
What about the dope paragraph in Mr. Christy's letter?
Jack?
It's gonna be a long summer.
Steve taught me how to use the emergency generator. The town power lines are supposed to be real shitty.
How about our last jay?
Just a walk, for Chrissakes.
Wind's up. It's shifted a good hundred and eighty degrees.
Makes me want to hold on and never let go.
I love you.
What about Neddy?
I don't love Neddy.
He keeps on acting like such an asshole!
Ned!
Don't call him.
I thought you wanted to give him one of your motherly lectures. Ned is gonna do whatever he wants to do, you know.
Looks like a storm.
I'm a little scared of storms. Always have been. Since I was a kid.
It's just a dream.
This is no dream. Want to escape for a while?
Are you wet?
Mmmmmmmph?
Mmmmmmmph.
Best over...
Umhummmmph.
Like waves. It's never been likes waves before.
Whassamatta?
Sex is all you ever think of, Neddy.
It's beautiful...
Cowboy.
Girls can't be cowboys.
Doctor. Now, if you were a flavor of ice cream, what would you be?
Last line of Gone With the Wind?
You okay?
Wait'll you're really in trouble and see what happens...
Anything else you want?
No, thanks. I'm fine. Sandy.
You can't go back there tonight. Not in that stuff. 'Less you wanta get drownded.
I got to.
I have six new counsellor up there. They're all babes in the woods in every sense of the word.
They'll be okay if they know enough to stay in outta the rain.
How much do I owe you?
One night on the town.
I mean...
Yeah. I got it on before this -- -- all started.
That's thirty percent.
I told you not to buy that hunk of junk!
I think water got into the electrical system. You ride me back to camp? I'll get one of my counselors to drive me back tomorrow morning.
Bad enough we got a full moon; it's Friday the 13th. They keep statistics. We get more accidents, more robberies, more rapes, more homicides, more of everything when there's a full moon. It affects people. Makes 'em nuts.
Have to drop you here, Steve.
Good luck.
Another coincidence.
How many with you?
Just my son and I.
What is your purpose in Mexico?
What was that?
Oh, that's just my daughter in the bathroom.
You said it was just you and your son.
I meant me, my son and my daughter.
Whatsamatter with you? Are you crazy?
Why the fuck, outta all the god forsaken shit holes in Mexico, did you have us rendezvous at that place?
I don't know, one place's as good as another.
Have you ever been there before?
No, but I passed by it a couple of times. It's out in the middle of nowhere. It seems like a rowdy place, so there wouldn't be a lot of police. And it's open from dusk till dawn. You said meet you in the morning.
I'm sorry to hear that. What were they, psychos?
Oh, Seth, how can I ever make it up to you?
You can't, but fifteen percent instead of thirty for my stay at El Ray is a good start.
Twenty-eight.
You like the car?
I said new, this is an '90.
It's hardly been used at all. I got it from a drug dealer who only drove it 5 times in as many years. Swear to God. That's like new.
So do I just follow you?
Yeah, follow us.
So let's do it.
We got about two more hours of day light left. That'll get us into El Paso, which is right next to the border. We'll stop at a motel --
Unless you two wiseacres wanna be introduced to the joys of hitchhiking, what say we drop this?
Why do you want to stop?
I'm exhausted.
What's this guy's problem?
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna try and get us across the border.
Have you forgotten about your sister?
They're gonna kill us. They get us across the border, they're gonna take us out in the desert and shoot us.
If they get over the border, they're gonna let us go.
Dad, I watch those reality shows. They never let anybody go. Any cop will tell you, in a situation like this, you get a chance, you go for it. This is our chance.
What about Kate?
They're gonna kill her anyway. At least now with all these cops we've got a fighting chance.
Son, I have this situation under control. I know exactly what I'm doing. You're going to have to trust me on this.
Now, you listen to me. You ain't gonna do a goddamn fucking thing, you hear me! Nobody cares what you think, I'm running this show, I make the decisions.
He's running the show.
You don't believe in suicide.
It's not suicide if you're already dead. Two...
Okay, I'll kill you when you change, I swear to God in Jesus Christ's name.
Why did they block the door again?
What's your name?
Jacob.
What's the story with you two? You a couple of fags?
He's my son.
How does that happen? You don't look Japanese.
Neither does he. He looks Vietnamese.
Oh, well, excuse me all to hell.
What's this about, money?
It's okay, honey. Everything's going to be all right.
Where are the keys to the motor home?
On the dresser.
Not a chance.
Come again?
If you're taking people, take me. But my kids aren't going anywhere with you.
Sorry, I need everybody.
My children are not going with you, and that's that.
Yes.
Jacob Fuller. Jacob, that's biblical, ain't it? What am I askin' for, of course it is. What are their names?
Who's this?
My wife.
Where is the little lady?
In heaven.
She's dead?
Yes, she is.
How'd she die?
Auto wreck.
Come on, gimme some more details. How'd it happen? Some fuckin' drunk kill her?
No. It was a rainy night, the brakes on the car weren't great. She had to stop suddenly. She slid on the road, she crashed, she died.
Died instantly?
Not quite. She was trapped in the wreck for about six hours before she passed on.
Whewww! Those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they?
Is this real?
Yes.
I've seen one of these before. A friend of mine had himself declared a minister of his own religion. Away to fuck the IRS. Is that what you're doing, or are you the real McCoy?
Real McCoy.
You're a preacher?
I was a minister.
Was? As in not anymore?
Yes.
Why'd ya quit?
I think I've gotten about as up close and personal with you as I'm gonna get. Now if you need me like I think you need me, you're not gonna kill me 'cause I won't answer your stupid, prying questions. So, with all due respect, mind your own business.
I seem to have touched a nerve. Don't be so sensitive, Pops, let's keep this friendly. But you're right, enough with the getting to know you shit. Now, there's two ways we can play this hand. One way is me and you go round an' round all fuckin' night. The other way, is we reach some sort of an understanding. Now, if we go
Yes.
I thought so. You help us get across the border without incident, stay with us the rest of the night without trying anything funny, and in the morning we'll let you and your family go. That way everybody gets what they want. You and your kids get out of this alive and we get into Mexico. Everybody's happy.
How do I know you'll keep your word?
Jesus Christ, Pops, don't start with this shit.
You want me to sit here and be passive. The only way being passive in this situation makes sense is if I believe you'll let us go. I'm not there yet. You have to convince me you're telling the truth.
Look, dickhead, the only thing you need to be convinced about is that you're stuck in a situation with a coupla real mean motor scooters. I don't wanna hafta worry about you all fuckin' night. And I don't think you wanna be worrying about my brother's intentions toward your daughter all night. You notice the way he looked at her, didn't ya?
Yes.
Didn't like it, did ya?
No, I didn't.
Didn't think so. So, as I was saying, I'm willing to make a deal. You behave, get us into Mexico, and don't try to escape. I'll keep my brother off your daughter and let you all loose in the morning.
You won't let him touch her?
If he touches her, I'll kill him. I don't give a fuck how many guns you have, nothing will stop me from killing him.
Swear to God, on the Bible, you won't try to escape and you'll get us across the border.
I swear to God I won't try to escape and I'll do my best to get you into Mexico.
I'm telling you, don't hurt her.
As long as you're cool, she'll be cool. What're ya gonna say?
I don't have the slightest idea.
We did our part, we gotcha in Mexico. Now it's time for your part, letting us go.
Then?
Out of the stew pot and into the fire.
Who else?
Pass.
Why not, against your religion?
No, I do drink, I'm just not drinking now.
Why are you so agitated?
I'm still stewing about that ape laying hands on me. And that fuckin' bartender sticks a weed up my ass, too.
He backed down.
He's smilin' at us. But behind his smile, he's sayin', "Fuck you Jack." I hear that loud and clear.
What are you going to do?
I'm gonna just sit here and drain this bottle. And when I've drunk the last drop, if I still feel then, the way I feel now, I'm gonna take this bottle and break it over his melon head.
Before we stepped in here, you told all of us to be cool. That means you, too.
I never said do what I do, I said do what I say.
What did you call me?
To your family.
Now, is your shit together?
Okay, does anybody here know what's going on?
You too, preacher?
I'm like you. I don't believe in vampires, but I believe in what I saw.
Good for you. Now, since we all believe we're dealing with vampires, what do we know about vampires? Crosses hurt vampires. Do you have a cross?
In the Winnebago.
I don't know about that. In order for it to have any power, I think it's gotta be an official crucifix.
What's an official cross? Some piece of tin made in Taiwan? What makes that official? If a cross works against vampires, it's not the cross itself, it's what the cross represents. The cross is a symbol of holiness.
Did he...?
You all are gonna fuckin' die! I'm gonna fuckin' kill every last one of you godless pieces of shit!
What's this stuff?
My guess is that this little dive's been feeding on nomad road waifs like bikers and truckers for a longtime. This is probably some of the shipments they stole off the trucks.
Well, I say lets tear this place apart for weapons. So when they burst through that door, we'll make 'em wish they never did.
I don't give a shit about living or dying anymore. I just want to send as many of these devils back to hell as I can.
I promise.
It's the bitterest of pills.
You two ought to start a stand-up act, because you're just wasting your humor on me.
I just bet you would. Don't even think about it. Besides, I want to have one night's sleep in an honest- to-goodness bed. The beds in the home are okay, but they're not like a real bed.
Dad, when I called the machine to check our messages there was one from Bethel Baptist. Mr. Franklin said he wouldn't permanently replace you until we came back. He said when we come home, if you still feel the same way --
That's very nice of Ted, but I'll call him tomorrow and tell him not to bother waiting.
I didn't want to talk about this in front of Scott because he gets upset. But you don't believe in God anymore?
Not enough to be a pastor. Look, I know this is hard on you kids. After Jenny's death, this is probably the last thing you need. But I can't do it any longer. My congregation needs spiritual leadership. Well, they can't get that from me anymore. My faith is gone. To answer your question, yes, I do believe in Jesus. But do I love
It's just, all our lives you've been a pastor. For twenty years you've preached trust in the lord. And then one day you wake up and say fuck him?
I didn't say fuck him. I'm just not connected anymore.
That happens, you'll get it back.
Kate, give your old man a little credit. Every person who chooses the service of God as their life's work has something in common. I don't care if you're a preacher, a priest, a nun, a rabbi or a Buddhist monk. Many, many times during your life you'll look at your reflection in the mirror and ask yourself, am I a fool? We've all
What do you think Mom would say?
There's nothing wrong with this place.
It's a flop house.
It's not a flop house. It's basic and simple. That doesn't make it a flop house.
It has a bed. That's all I care about.
About two hours from now.
You're gonna be okay, aren't you, daddy?
I promise.
Kate, we don't have all day, so I'm only gonna count to five. One...two... three... four...
Okay, okay, I promise I'll do it!
Not good enough, swear to God.
I swear to God, our father, that when you change into one of the undead, I will kill you.
I'm going for 'em!
No!
What's going on?
Richie, will you do me a favor and eat my pussy?
What?
Where are you taking us?
Mexico.
What's in Mexico?
What?
In the room. Were you serious, or were you just foolin' around? I'm just bringing it up, 'cause if you really want me to do that for you, I will.
Do what?
What you said to me in the room.
What did I say?
Creepy guy.
You got three minutes. One second longer, I shoot your father in the face. Do you understand what I just said?
Yes.
Do you believe me?
Yes.
Yeah.
You must have a bible in here, don't cha?
Yeah, we got a bible.
You're gonna let us go?
How about you, cutie pie? Ready for round two?
Are you okay?
Peachy! Why shouldn't I be? The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory.
I'm really sorry.
We have to go back for Daddy!
Daddy's dead.
Watch my back!
How many bullets left, kid?
Not many.
Should I use the last bullets on us?
I'm sorry.
See ya.
Why, just look at all this. You got your kitchen --
-- you got your microwave --
-- you got your sink --
-- you got your shower --
-- see this, television!
For the time being we are very confident we will apprehend the fugitives in the next forty-eight hours. The Bureau, local law enforcement and the Texas Rangers have all joined forces in forming a dragnet to snare Seth and Richard Gecko.
Agent Chase, does it appear that they are heading for Mexico.
Yes, it does, Kelly. We have already alerted the Mexican authorities. They intend to cooperate every way possible in bringing these fugitives to justice.
Are you optimistic about the safety of the hostage they took in Abilene, Gloria Hill?
We've received no news one way or the other. We can only hope for the best.
What about the report from an eyewitness at the liquor store who said one of the brothers was shot?
This can't be confirmed at this time, but we do believe it to be true. We have reason to believe it was the youngest brother Richard, and he was shot in the vicinity of his neck and shoulders by the store's clerk.
Is it safe to assume that because the death count involved and the loss of life of law enforcement officers, that the Bureau, the Rangers and the police force are taking this manhunt personally?
Hot goddamn day!
Haven't felt it a bit. Been inside with the air conditioner blastin' all day long.
Not even for lunch?
Jesus Christ man, that microwave food will kill ya as quick as a bullet. Those burritos are only fit for a hippie high on weed. Pull me down a bottle of Jack Daniels. I'm gettin' tanked tonight.
Whatsamatter?
Awww, it's just been a shitass day. Every inch of it hot and miserable. First off, Nadine at the Blue Chip got some sorta sick, so that Mongoloid boy of hers was workin' the grill. That fuckin' idiot don't know rat shit from Rice Krispies. I ate breakfast at nine, was pukin' up pigs in a blanket like a sick dog by ten thirty.
Isn't there a law or something against retards serving food to the public?
Well, if there ain't there sure oughta be. Who knows what goes on inside Mongoloid's mind?
You could sue the shit out of her, ya know. That kid belongs under a circus tent, not flippin' burgers. You could own that fuckin' place.
What the hell would I do with that grease pit? Besides, Nadine's got enough of a cross to bear just taking care of that potato head. Then all this Abilene shit happened. You heard about that bank robbery in Abilene, didn't ya?
That's all that's been on the box all day. They killed some people didn't they?
They'll probably make a run for the border, which would bring 'em this way. And if we get our hands on those shit asses, we're talking payback time. We'll get 'em all right. I gotta piss. I'm gonna use your commode.
Yeah, and I'm gonna be right back at it tomorrow. So tonight I'm gonna sit in front of the box and just drink booze. How much is the bottle?
What do you want from me? I did what you said.
Letting him use your toilet? No store does that.
He comes in here every day and we bullshit. He's used my toilet a thousand times. If I told him no, he'd know something was up.
Were you giving that pig signals?
He says you were scratching.
I wasn't scratching!
I never said help us!
Whiskey!
You can't come in here.
What dya mean?
This is a private club. You're not welcome.
Are you tellin' me I'm not good enough to drink here?
Best in Mexico.
What the fuck was that about?
What the fuck is wrong with you --
Start the car.
You believe me don't cha?
Richie? You okay?
Yeah?
When I count three, shoot out the bottles behind him!
Gotcha!
What did I tell you? What did I tell you? Buy the road map and leave.
What am I supposed to do, Seth? He recognized us.
Do they have cable?
No.
Do they have an X-rated channel?
No.
Do they have a waterbed?
How's it feel?
I got both rooms on either side of us, so we don't gotta worry about eavesdropping assholes. How's that feel? You okay?
Feels good.
Hey, when you talk to him, see if you can arrange a better deal than thirty percent.
That's their standard deal, brother. They ain't about to change it for us.
Did you even to try to negotiate?
These guys ain't spic firecracker salesman from Tijuana. They don't even know the meaning of the word "barter". You wanna stay in El Ray? You give them thirty percent of your loot. It's scripture. So it is written, so shall it be done. You want sanctuary, you pay the price, and the price is thirty percent.
All I'm saying --
Shit, I started to get worried. Where the fuck ya been?
Sight seein'.
What'd ya see?
Cops.
Yeah, I saw the border. Through binoculars from on top of a high building. That's about as close as I risked getting. What's the TV say?
I gotta figure a way to get across that goddamn border. Longer we fuck around El Paso our lives ain't worth a shit.
Look, fuck the border. Let's just dig in and wait for things to cool down.
Richie, it's gonna get a lot fuckin' worse before it gets any fuckin' better. We showed our ass in Texas. We killed Texas fuckin' Rangers. They ain't gonna stop lookin' till they find us, and when they find us, they're gonna kill us. Texans take it very personal when ya kill their law enforcement officers. The El Paso police have already started a motel
How do you know?
Where's the woman?
What'd ya mean, what? The fuckin' woman, the hostage. Where the fuck is she, Richard!?
She's in the other room.
Yeah, explain it to me. I need an explanation. What's the matter with you?
There's nothing wrong with me, brother. That woman tried to escape and I did what I had to do.
No. That woman wouldn't of said shit if she had a mouthful.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! Once you left, she became a whole different person.
Is it me? Is it my fault?
Is this my fault? Do you think this is what I am?
What?
This is not me! I am a professional fucking thief. I steal money. You try to stop me, god help you. But I don't kill people I don't have to, and I don't rape women. What you doin' ain't how it's done. Do you understand?
Seth, if you were me --
Just say yes! Nothing else, just say yes.
Yes.
Yes, Seth, I understand.
Richard!
This isn't gonna work.
Shut up. It's gonna work just fine,
I just want to go on record as saying this is a bad idea.
They're gonna search the van.
As long as you don't act like a fuckin' nut, we'll be just fine.
What does that mean?
You just called me a fuckin' nut.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did. You said as long as I don't act like a fuckin' nut, implying that I've been acting like a fuckin' nut.
Take a pill, kid. I just meant stay cool.
This ain't the time, Richard.
Fuck those spic pigs! You called me a fuckin' nut, and where I come from, that stops the train on its tracks.
Keep your voice down.
I'm curious. What was the nuttiest thing I did?
This ain't the time.
You okay?
Yeah, I think so. What happened?
I don't know, you just passed out.
I did?
Yeah, we were just standing there. You said something about your shoulder hurting, then you just hit the ground like a sack of potatoes.
Really?
Yeah, when you fell your head smacked the toilet hard. It scared the shit outta me. Sure you're okay?
Yeah, I guess. I'm just a little fucked up.
Well, let me tell ya something, gonna clear your head right up. We are officially Mexicans.
What?
We are... "South of the border down Mexico way."
We are?
Far out. Where are my glasses?
They broke when you fell.
Oh, fuck, Seth, that's my only pair!
Don't worry about it, we'll get you some glasses.
What dya mean, don't worry about it. Of course I'm gonna worry about it, I can't fuckin' see.
When we get to El Ray, I'll take care of it.
Yeah, like a Mexican hole-in-the- wall's gonna have my fuckin' prescription.
That's what you think?
That's how you're lookin', Richie.
I'm lookin' scared?
That's what you look like.
You know what you look like?
No, Richie, what do I look like?
How?
Where are you right now?
What do you mean?
Where are you?
I'm here with you.
No, you're not. You're sippin' margaritas in El Ray. But we're not in El Ray. We're here -- getting ready to go in there. You're so pleased with yourself about getting into Mexico, you think the job's down. It ain't. Get back on the clock. That's a fuck-with-you-bar. We hang around there for a coupla hours, in all likelihood, we'll get fucked with. So
My shit is together.
It don't look together.
Earth to Richie. Don't you wanna ask your new friend to join us?
Yeah.
Well, then ask her, dumb ass.
How are you?
How 'bout you? You are safer in here with us than wandering around a Mexican border town all night long. Just don't do nothin' stupid and we'll all get along fine. Scotty, you sure you don't want a drink?
In that camper out there I saw a guitar. I take it that's yours.
Yeah, it's mine.
You could take their head off.
He's right, Kate. Daddy's dead! He was too far away. If flinging that door and filling this room with those bat-things would save him, I'd fling it. The only thing it'll do is turn us into one of them.
He needs our help!
B.O.Q., south side. Take a starboard tack out the door.
Thank you, ensign.
They take you away to San Clemente Island. Half the guys quit when they come back. Supposed to be just hell-and-a-half.
That's what I hear.
Can I ask you somethin', lieutenant? How come you're doing this? I mean, we're kinda curious.
Who's "we"?
I don't know if there's any single reason. But my father was Navy. And he had this old-time recruiting poster in his den. It showed a girl trying on a sailor's uniform while saying, "Gee, I wish I were a man! I'd join the Navy!" Was maybe 10 years old when I first saw it, and even then it felt wrong. Made me mad.
I've been accused of that wish.
The woman I saw you with...
Just a friend. We have friends, too, you know.
But are there... I mean, how many...
Administration, Ensign Blondell.
Don't say my name.
Who's... Lieuten --
Or rank. But can you do me a favor and pull a transfer order?
Okay, but... You didn't have to do what you did. Not for me.
Got it.
Who signed as his "sponsoring officer"?
Wow...
Commander, are you of the habit of letting photographers traipse around your base snappin' their fill? These were supposed to have been discreet test cases --
Senator, they stand out on the public highway with telephoto lenses --
-- and now I got reporters from Toadsquat, Iowa, calling my office and askin' what I know about this "G.I. Jane" thing.
-- nothing I can do about it unless you're suggesting I infringe on their civil liberties -- which I'd happily do if you'll just trim a little fat off the Constitution.
Well, seein's how this thing is out, you let me handle the r.p.m. From this point forward, I want all press matters coordinated via my office. I'll be god-damned if I'm gonna watch Hayes pull flowers out of his ass and take credit for this one. Him or the President. This my shade? "Midnight Mahogany"? 'Cuz I'm comin' dangerously close to lookin' like Ronald
Your prerogative, Senator.
Awright. How's our girl doin', anyway?
Standing right here in my office.
Uh, V.I.P. security arrangements generally take some time, Senator.
"Security"? What the hell you talkin' about? Your base isn't secure?
Of course, but there's more --
Yes, of course. Please, have a seat, lieutenant...
Thank you, sir.
Would you care for a beverage? Tea?
I'm fine, sir.
So. We're still coming to terms with the exact protocol for this -- for integrating the Spec-Recon training. It may not always be smooth, but we're trying to make it as painless as possible for you.
Barber was my next stop, sir. Would've had it regulation sooner, only --
Don't worry about it. If it's off your collar and out of your eyes, that's all I'm going to ask.
Really, I have no problem with --
I'm not out to change your sex, lieutenant. You'll have separate beds, separate heads. If you have specific medical needs, inform the infirmary. If a classmate or superior acts in an harassing or otherwise unbecoming manner, please inform me immediately so I can deal with it immediately. Questions?
None at this time, sir.
Sir, I just want you to know... I'm not here to make a statement. I don't want to make men look foolish. All I care about is completing the training and getting operational experience -- just like everyone else, I suspect.
Pardon the hour, sir. But you told me to come to you immediately if I felt I was being mistreated in any way.
All right, lieutenant, give me a name and specifics, I'll have the X.O. file an action first thing in the morning. A name?
It's you, sir. And it started the day I came here.
Oh, really.
It's this double-standard, the separate quarters, the deferential treatment. It's how you pulled out my chair and nearly served high tea the first time we met.
Because I was civil, now you're complaining.
I can't afford civility, sir. How am I supposed to fit in with these guys when you've got me set up as an outsider? Even if I make it under these rules, I still lose, because there'll always be a flag in my file -- "Yeah, she made it, but..." I mean, really -- why didn't you just issue me a goddamn petticoat to
Did you just have a brain-fart?
Pardon?
Did you just barge in here and curse at your base commander? If so, I regard that as a bonafide brain- fart, and I resent it when people fart inside my home.
What I resent, lieutenant, is some politician using my base as a test tube for her grand social experiment. What I resent is the sensitivity training that is now mandatory for my men... the day-care center I have to build where an officer's lounge used to be... and the OB/GYN I have to keep on staff just so someone can keep track of your
No, sir.
No, sir, WHAT?
Well. 'Least now we're talking the same language. So one standard. Is that what you're after?
Same rules for everyone, sir.
Straight up?
Across the board, sir.
And if you just happen to wash out, I won't have to contend with you bitchin' to some hairy-chested female Senator? And please note I did not identify any one in particular.
Then good night.
So I'll get a fair shot?
See me, sir?
Sir, I want you to know that I had nothing to do with any of this. Not this article, not --
Permission to leave, sir?
I don't know of any delicate way to say this, lieutenant, so I won't try. Claims have been made that you have engaged in fraternization -- of the same-sex variety. Specifically, that you were... "... seen leaving the apartment of another female officer at such a time and in such a manner as to suggest conduct unbecoming."
I'm saying, we're just friends.
I find this as distasteful as you, lieutenant. But if it's on my desk, it's on my shoulders. There's going to be an inquiry -- it will not be quick and it will definitely not be pretty. You should prepare yourself.
Sir, please... if there's any way to do this without dragging everyone through the mud...
Sir. If tomorrow... I was not under your command... would the inquiry still go forward?
I'm not sure what --
Well, if you had to go over my head, lieutenant, that's the way to do it. Christ, nothin' like a 0-200 call from the Commander and Chief to get the bowels movin'.
Sir? What did he say?
Aw, what is this...
Ah, c'mon...
Fine by me, sir!
Newberry, get a photo. South?
Entering my scan now...
Shit. Think we're had.
Smoke her.
I ain't gonna shoot her.
Only blanks. Lemme do it.
Banditos on the east perimeter! 150 yards! Shit, she was part of it!
What, we're gonna pry 'em out with paddles?
White House boys want a private meeting.
Think I overplayed it?
Yes?
Did you hear?
She made it through S.E.R.E. training. Got a call this morning from --
... last few years have brought many advances in the interests of women in naval service, particularly in the land-based maritime specialties. What's more, the Navy has instituted special sensitivity courses with an eye on --
Hardly the case, Senator.
"The Lark Report."
Madam Senator... this is an internal document of the U.S. Navy. I must seriously question whether --
The Navy's conclusion regarding the crash of an F-14 aboard an aircraft carrier. Female aviator, it just so happens. You're familiar with this report and its conclusion, am I right?
I was one member of the investigating commission.
Yes, I see your signature right here -- twice the size of everyone else's. And your conclusion was "pilot error," hmm?
I'm really not prepared for any kind of in-depth review of --
The commission concluded that the aviator in question failed to execute a proper approach to the carrier.
So everyone I talk to says you're top drawer with silk stockings inside.
Thank you, ma'am. Um, may I ask what this is regarding?
"Coronado."
California.
I know that, sir. Ma'am. It's just that... Beggin' your pardon, Senator, but... do you understand that this involves combat training?
This is just a test case, O'Neil. But if it works out -- if you work out -- it could well change the Navy's official policy on women in combat. Or, actually, its official non-policy. Now who's your immediate superior there?
Captain Dwyer. Technically.
My office will fill him in and help expedite. Look forward to meeting you at the proper time. Jumping off now...
Uh, question, ma'am.
Yes, dear.
Would I be the only one? The only woman?
Can't complain, ma'am.
Hmmm. Maybe I'll ask when I see you in person.
Uh, ma'am.
Jordan. I always hoped we'd get together -- though just now I'm gearing up for a child-care vote that --
You know him.
Sounds familiar.
It should. You nominated him for Spec-Recon just three days after you nominated me.
Jordan. Might we do this over lunch tomorrow? I do very much want to talk, but now is scarcely --
Did you set me up? Did you set me up just to see me fail?
Wickwire was there to help. To be my eyes on the inside, to make sure you were getting a fair shot. At least that was the intent.
What changed?
Should probably ask him that.
So? Isn't the President jumping on your bandwagon?
What he did was light the bandwagon on fire. Because he knows what I know -- that American families are not prepared to put their daughters in harm's way.
You don't know that.
In face, I do: Roper, Harris, Gallop -- they all come back the same.
What are you saying? That a women's life is more valuable than a man's? That a women's death hurts a family more?
You were never going to let women serve in combat. You always had a safety net. Or thought you did.
Jordan. I don't expect you to fully understand this -- but sometimes there's more to be gained from the fight than the victory.
So the rhetoric gets you headlines. But the reality gets you in trouble.
The reality is this: We send far too many men off to war. I don't need to compound the problem with women. Can you honestly tell me you wanted that life? Squat-pissing in some third-world jungle with --
I once promised you a fast ticket, Jordan, and I always meant to make good on that. Come work for me. I can always use a hard-charger on my team.
You promise Wickwire a fast ticket, too?
I've had no direct communication with him since this whole thing began. And that's quite verifiable.
I'm sure it is.
You'll think about my offer?
You know, I wonder what the SecNav would think about it. If I spoke with him.
So she picks the women, we pick the programs. Seals?
I'd go Special Reconnaissance. Every bit as tough -- and we have a 60 percent drop-out rate among the men.
Then I suggest we start there.
What the hell is the President trying to do? Steal DeHaven's thunder?
I think it's more important, sir, to decide what we're going to do -- since it's apparent this issue is not going away quietly.
Montgomery, why do they call you "Flea"?
It's really "F. Lee Montgomery" -- but that gets whittled down to just "Flea." For short, ma'am.
So it really has nothing to do with actual brain size?
No, ma'am.
Well, Flea, I appreciate the respect you just showed me. But I don't need it and don't want it -- not that kind of respect, anyway. It's just gonna hurt us both, okay?
I'll work on it, ma'am.
Hey. You okay, Flea?
Really don't wanna be captured, el- tee. Heard some bad things.
Close as I can get, el-tee!
Six o'clock! Marking, marking!
Don't have to use it, O'Neil, but it's gotta go out. Five... four... three...
I can make this wall without --
Just do it, okay?
If you can't feel the other guy's pecker, you ain't in tight enough! I want nuts to butts!
Come on, Montgomery...
O'Neil?
Sir?
Time.
Miller. Thought the guy was made of depleted uranium. Really didn't expect to lose him.
Boat Five -- Wickwire, Cozad, Vinyl, Intagliata, Ayers, and Wise. Lieutenant Wickwire is your senior officer. Follow his orders to your death.
You don't think she'd be raped if she were captured? You don't think the threat of rape would be used to leverage the men?
You broke a dozen training rules back there -- before I lost count.
I've had it. Just because they pay me like a baby-sitter doesn't mean I'm gonna be one.
She's a trainee, just like the others. Why are you coming down so hard?
She's an officer. There's a higher standard.
She's a women, and that's why you're ridin' her bareback.
Of course it is. And I'm gonna stay on her until everyone realizes this is not some bullshit equal-rights thing, that real lives are gonna be lost. Maybe mine, maybe yours.
I oughtta report you.
Thank you, sir. But I like these just fine.
Not doin' them very fine, O'Neil.
I'll try anyway, sir.
Automatic five-second deduction, which slips you under the wire. It's called "gender-norming," O'Neil -- standard procedure for all females in physical training courses. Where you been the last few years?
The Navy Cross...
I believe he earned it for saving a man's life in Saudi Arabia. He wanted you to have it. He was very clear on that point.
I was looking for him earlier, but...
The Chief was granted early retirement as of 17-hundred yesterday. By 18-hundred he was gone. Out of the Navy.
Just a coincidence?
Lieutenant O'Neil.
Gotta situation here. Where are you? Stuck in traffic?
Do we know it's him using the beacon? Not a decoy?
Signals received only sparingly, in such a pattern that leads us to conclude it is a downed aviator trying to conserve his batteries.
Chances of recovery?
North Korean beaches are the best protected, most heavily monitored in the world. The civilian population is so propagandized that it acts as an Early Warning system. Extraction team has to be small and silent -- I'd go with Seals over Delta Force. Problem is, don't want to hold a conventional sub off-shore for target practice. Where's The Polk?
Halfway 'round the world. So that's the problem -- we can get the team in, just not out.
Unless you Whiskey Run.
Blank faces here, O'Neil.
You expect the extraction team to ride the sub bare-back? Is that correct, O'Neil?
That was good headwork, lieutenant.
Thank you, sir. We hear back from the Pentagon?
Probably hear back from CNN first.
Hate this part. Just sweating it out on the sidelines.
By the way, I'll need that option paper by 11-hundred today so I can review it with Admiral Hanover. And do we have any of that breakfast tea around here?
So why're you even considering it? Are you?
Just like you would be.
Spec-Recon. Those guys are world- class warriors. And they will not want you there, Jordan.
Well, you're doin' shit-hot at Intel.
Royce. We're the same age, we started the same time -- and now you're sitting in the upperdecks while I'm still down in the bullpen. What does that tell you about the Navy?
She's haze grey and underway...
You need operational duty to really advance... you need combat training to go operational... yet combat training is off-limits to people with tits. I'm topped out at Intel. Forget the glass ceiling -- I'm beating my head on a big brass ceiling.
So dump on me.
This has nothing to do with you.
Well, guess I don't even need to be here...
Get your dick back here. It has everything to do with you.
You're such a ball-breaker sometimes. Especially at night.
Sorry. But after our days... So if I try this thing... if I ship out to Coronado... what happens here?
I'll try to keep the door open. If you wash out, I make it so that --
Wai', wait. What happens if it works? Four months of training, three years of operational duty. What then?
I don't feel like doing an option paper on the rest of my life, Jordan. Maybe we should just let it happen.
Which is guy-speak for...
Sounded lame as soon as it came out of my mouth. But I'm trying to be honest, okay? Three years is a long time. Don't ask me to predict how I'll feel then, Jordan, because I don't know. And either do you.
Jordan...
I've been trying you for five days. Don't they give you messages?
It's hard to find time to sleep, Royce. Much less keep up with my phone life.
That bad?
Well, not this. I was doing the Pentagon scene few nights ago. Got some fresh stuff -- about you. You may be in a hostile camp. I think someone may be taking steps to ensure that you crash and burn.
Me? Why me?
Don't you know? How they're talking about you?
I saw an article...
So why are you telling me this?
Big symbols make big targets, Jordan. I think someone's gunning for you.
You know, Royce, I got enough heat on me without you turning up the jets, too.
I'm only trying to warn you in case --
Well, let me warm you: I'm going though with this. The more everybody fucks with me, fucks with my head, the more it just makes me want to finish. So don't expect me back crying in your arms any time soon, okay?
That's not what I want, Jordan. I mean... it is and it isn't...
Still can't make up your mind, huh? Gotta go, Royce.
Jordan. You watch your ass.
All I wanted was an honest chance. And If I couldn't get it, I couldn't stay.
And this class officer... "Wickwire." You think he was just trying to get even? Striking back for...
Maybe. Though it didn't seem like he was getting any satisfaction out of it. Almost like... Did I say he was class officer?
Almost like someone put him up to it. Okay, who?
No shortage of suspects.
C'mon, Jordan. Do the headwork with me.
It's done with, Royce. Let it go.
Someone screwed you over like this, left unanswered charges hanging over your head, and you're not gonna fight back?
I'm tired of fighting back. I just wanted to come home and be safe and have you here and the river there and just forget the rest of the world, okay?
"John James Urgayle." The Chief.
What about him.
Instructors typically pull three year assignments. This guy's in and out in one year -- your year. That sound right?
Sounds like an amazing coincidence.
Or like maybe he was baby sitting a problem child for the Navy.
I don't know, I don't care.
"In Washington..."
What?
"Wickwire, Thomas Dane"... Second run at Coronado... and correct, they had him stashed in the "Appropriation Liaison Office," whatever that is.
You don't crap out of Spec-Recon and get another shot without dispensation from someone up in flag country. He's got a Sea Daddy somewhere.
I'd sure like to know who.
So here we are again. Staring three years of operational duty in the face.
Look. It's not like you'd be completely out of reach. And maybe we could call in a few favors, get you stationed at Norfolk instead of Coronado. There are ways of dealing with these things -- I mean, if people are so inclined.
Which is guy-speak for...
They're more afraid of you.
Well, now I feel so much better.
It was made clear before you came -- harassment equals career suicide. Can't say anything good, so they don't say much at all. To your face, anyway.
Whose orders were those?
It was made clear. Anyway, stay ballsy. First week's hell, then it levels out. Until S.E.R.E. training, anyway. That's hell-and-a-half.
And how do you know that?
Made it to Week 10 last time.
I didn't know they let you try again. Especially at your age.
Hey. Way to gut it out.
Who is it?
You know, I had an apartment about this size once.
Wick. They got your crew, too?
You really came back for more? Of this?
When I was sittin' behind a desk in Washington, it made sense, somehow. Blame it on my big brother. He was Spec-Recon. And the stories he used to tell...
One time he was doing a rekkie of the Libyan coastline. This is, like, right before we bombed Khadaffi into the past tense. So his crew does a nighttime infil, maps all the big artillery placements and stuff, then turns around to get the hell gone. But between them and the water are five Libyan guards, all armed to the nuts.
They had to kill 'em?
Nah, they were dead-ass asleep. But on every guard's chest,they left one Marlboro cigarette. Just a little calling card to say they'd been there -- and could come back any time they wanted.
That's a good story.
So the shit you gotta go through? To get from here to there? Brother said it was worth it. Worth the training... worth the divorce... worth anything.
He was married?
At first.
You got anybody, Wick?
O'Neil?
How'd you make it last time, Wick? How'd you get through this part?
Last time I didn't.
Sorry, didn't mean to --
That's okay. Just an ex-girlfriend. And know I remember why.
First big night of liberty and no date? You're pathetic, Wickwire.
Maybe I'll just head over to McP's with the others, have a drink or four. Don't wanna come, do you?
I can't go out. Not like this.
I think you look beautiful.
Do you, uh, know...
Sure, sure.
We're going over to her place to make salad and pasta. Just, you know, nothing special.
I'm sorry, O'Neil. But as class officer, it's my obligation to report all violations.
What're you guys doing? Huh?
Just askin'
She part of the training?
If not, firing will only give away our position to hostiles in the area. Now how smart is that?
32 feet, six inches!
'Cool?
So we got two full mini-tanks, three minutes each. 'Cool? How much air in yours?
Maybe half. Not even.
Say again, sir?
Chief, sir, I don't understand why --
Permission to get dressed, sir?
It seems the men couldn't get used to the sight of women blown open and their viscera hanging from tree limbs. Israeli men would linger over wounded females -- often to the detriment of the mission, often endangering their own lives. They don't use women anymore.
Sir, someone mentioned you received the Navy Cross. May I ask what you got it for?
For pulling a 210-pound man out of a burning barrack in Saudi Arabia.
I see. So when a man tries to rescue another man, he's a hero. But when he tries to rescue a woman, he's gone soft.
Females in combat situations impact unit cohesion. Men fight better without women around. And that is an historical fact.
England went out with a stress fracture. That puts you in charge, lieutenant.
McCool's that same rank. We're both j.g.'s.
Simple question, lieutenant. No reason not to answer. What is your father's name?
"Dad."
Any brothers? Sisters?
Dick, Jane, and Spot.
Are you hungry? What's your favorite food? We'll try to get it for you.
Green Eggs and Ham. You're not going to get anywhere. You might as well put me in the cage.
You are in the cage, O'Neil. Right here, right now.
Should I be afraid?
Why didn't you shoot the woman, O'Neil?
Wasn't deemed a threat.
Would you have shot if it was a man?
No. Yes. I mean, depends on --
The others already told me, O'Neil. They wanted to shoot, but you wouldn't let them. Because you went soft on another women --
That's not right.
That's what your crew said. Are they lying? Or are you?
I think you're the liar.
I'm not the one who got five good men thrown in a bamboo cage. You wear the bars, you made the call, and you got your whole crew --
We didn't know we were compromised. Firing would only've given away our position.
Do you?
No.
Didn't you know you'd be raped if you were captured? Didn't you even think about that?
Sure. Just like your men do.
Well, I'm trying to figure out if you're stupid, unlucky, gluttonous -- or some new alloy of all three.
Good to see you again, too, sir.
Managed to activate the ELB. If you just radio base and let them know, they'll fix on that. Oh, and make sure they send a helo with a winch -- door's blocked by a reef. Over.
Chief, sir -- rescue team won't be here for 15 minutes. What's your air situation? Over.
Say again? How many micks?
Got it.
O'Neil...
Well, who the shit you think you are? Comin' in here like that?
Anybody usin' these drawers here?
Hey, hey, HEY. No possibility. You can't stay in here. You can't sleep right next to me.
Aw, lookit this, lookit this -- she's bringin' Tampax in here. C'mon, you got nothin' but rooms over there.
That your desk? I'll take this one.
WOULD YOU JUST GET OUTTA HERE?
Clear.
All right, fire-and-evade maneuvers. Drop everything but weapons and the PRC radio -- we're gonna be high speed, low drag all the way to the link-up site. Ready?
Sure. Now she wants to shoot.
I just wonder how that happened.
You don't suppose this is just part of...
Maybe we should call the Coast Guard.
We're fucked.
Darth Vader reads poetry...
Can't live with them, can't kill them. What's the point?
You mind? I'm trying to eat here.
This ain't workin' right!
What's our go-to-shit plan, O'Neil?
Subject?
O'Neil, Jordan.
Thought you two were file-closed.
You knew about us?
All right. So who stands to gain if Jordan flames out in a big way?
The E-Ringers? Full integration is gonna cost the services billions at the worst possible time -- when Congress is already swinging the axe.
Congress cuts, military bleeds. But Pentagon's a big place. Let's narrow the sights.
The Navy? They've made it clear they don't want to pull missiles out of subs to make room for women's heads. What's it gonna cost to make a fleet of Trident's co-ed?
Sabotage born of economics? Wouldn't be a first. But is Hayes really going to start his watch with such a public failure?
Possibly. Just to spite DeHaven.
The White House. If Jordan wins, DeHaven wins in spades. Why? Well, it's been said that the only man the President fears -- ain't no man.
The first female President?
Don't for a second think she didn't leak this story. "G.I. Jane" gives DeHaven a symbol that taps into the biggest constituency of them all.
Women.
If you were the President, wouldn't that put a little piss in your shoes?
I don't know. Seems...
This ain't about some little soldier girl sloggin' her way through commando school. The implications go way beyond.
Christ, I don't want to see her take a fall. She thinks I do, but...
I take it this file is still open.
Even tough I don't talk to her every day -- I still talk to her every day. Know what I mean?
Okay, so now work it from the other end. Think about California -- and how things might be handled there.
I don't... What, someone on base? A "mole"?
That's cuz I'm married to you.
Shut up. How can you eat like that?
I'm telling you he's dirt. He's a douche bag, gutter slime, dog crap, puke chunks...
Hey, hey! I'm eating here!
Audrey's going to stay with us tonight.
Who the hell are all these people?
What? I just couldn't just let them sleep in the street.
Where's Audrey?
In the bedroom. Crying her eyes out because of you.
What?
All that "you gotta be vicious" stuff you filled her head with.
Me!? You where the one...
I like that image.
Animal, you don't think that's true, do you?
Nice guys finish last. First rule of the jungle.
That why you dumped him?
How long where you and dis guy goin' steady?
Great stuff, Animal. Weren't you scared?
He stole my report! That's my report!
You okay?
It's all my fault. What have I done, Animal? What have I become? Look at me. This isn't me. I don't do things like this.
Yeah, I just screwed up with the only man who ever really cared about me.
Didn't you tell me he left for the airport?
Yeah. Why are you asking?
My God. He's going after the nest.
Animal, I can't.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Don't you think we have enough?
Think we can fit up in there?
He's not going to do it.
Cut uptown, take 8th to 57th then cut up Broadway.
You're crazy, go to the east side and take the park avenue to the JFK.
What are you talking about? The east side is always faster.
Audrey, did you take the tape out of the camera?
I'll take them all.
Audrey?! Is that you? Hi, hello. You look, wow, uh, how've you been?
So you made it.
You're a reporter. That's what you always wanted to be, right? I'm happy for you. Really, I am.
So, you still picking apart cockroaches?
No, I'm into earthworms now. You wouldn't be interested. They're real "boring" creatures. Very reliable, dependable, no surprises...
You're still mad at me, aren't you?
You just left me without a phone call, a letter, nothing. All this time. Yeah, I guess I'm still a little mad.
That was eight years ago. Some people change, you know.
Most people don't.
Wait. I'm sorry. You're right. Eight years is a long time. Can I offer you a cup of tea?
I still can't believe it. How does a guy go from an anti-nuke activists to working for the Nuclear Regulatory Commission?
When you and I use to attend rallies in college, we helped to create awareness. But from the inside now I can actually effect change. I never lost my idealism.
And exactly what changes are you trying to effect?
I have this theory that we're inadvertently creating new species as a direct result of what we've done to nature.
And you think this creature is one of them?
Yes. The first of its kind. I found this blood sample earlier this evening...
Blood sample? How close did you get to that thing?
I got pretty close.
...he's pregnant.
Well, obviously these tests weren't designed for this but fundamentally they're looking for the same hormonal patterns that would indicate pregnancy.
The ultimate expression of evolution, it reproduces asexually. Think about it, all kinds of creatures have been known to travel great distances for reproduction. That's why he came to New York. Like every species of insufficient progenitors, he's nesting!
Nesting?
Is this cause of me? Because of the story?
Well what the hell did you think was going to happen?
You never said it was off the record.
I shouldn't have to, Audrey. You're supposed to be my friend. I trusted you.
I didn't mean for it to turn out like this. Look, I lied to you. I'm not a reporter. When we broke up and I came out to New York I was so sure I'd make it. But I haven't. That's why I needed this story so bad. I just couldn't tell you I'm a failure.
What are you doing here?
I thought you said there'd only be a dozen eggs.
Circuits are overloaded.
Come on, the broadcast booth is right over here.
How do you know?
The network is on an intranet. It's a direct feed into our computer system.
If the military are listening, they must immediately destroy this building before they can escape.
Are you okay?
Somehow I never thought your life was this exciting.
You'd be surprised.
Who was that French guy, anyway.
And I'm supposed to remind you to call him on all of Caiman's expense p.o.'s.
My life sucks.
I can't believe he put the moves on me. After everything I've done for him.
It's Nick! I know that guy. I know him!
Who is he?
Did Romeo have a name?
Four years. Girl, I'm surprised he didn't ask you to marry him.
What the hell are you doing?
Remember my friend we saw on t.v.?
Your old sweetheart?
Yeah, well he just turned up in New Jersey at the military command post. Somehow all this is related to what happened down in Panama. There's a story here. I know it. You got any tape or glue?
Wish me luck!
Audrey, I don't think this is a very good idea. Caiman finds out and he'll have your job.
Hey, do you have any glue in your bag?
What's it to you?
Can I use some?
What do I get?
The warm feeling of helping your fellow man.
Five bucks.
Did you talk with Humphries?
This is not the place...
Just tell me, did you talk with him?
He said he'd consider it. It's between you and Rodriguez.
Mr. Caiman, you're married.
And you're beautiful...
Mr. Caiman...
Call me Charlie.
Mr. Caiman, I've been doing extra research for you after hours and weekends for nearly a year. And I've never asked for anything but this job is really important to me. I'm too old to be an assistant anymore. I need to know this job is going someplace.
So have dinner with me tonight.
I can't.
Caiman, wait. Take me with you.
What?
I've got something on this. I know a guy on the inside with the military...
You don't understand, I can get us information...
We did it! We've got the exclusive! Way to go, Audrey!
We? I don't think so.
I want that story, Audrey. Remember you work for me.
Hi. Nick Tatopoulos...
Three years digging up worms in Chernobyl? How did Mrs. Tatopoulos handle it?
Oh, I'm not married.
Really? A girlfriend then?
No. Perhaps I work too much.
Not for a long time, now.
Well, I think you're cute.
Hence the radiation.
Evacuate Manhattan? That's over three million people. Has that ever been done before?
I'm sorry about all this.
Make sure they find that nest before it's too late.
Merde!
They will set the trap at thirty minutes to ten.
We've secured the doors on both levels.
Where's Luc and Pierre?
They didn't make it.
When we learned he could burrow his way through the tunnels we realized he could be out of the quarantined zone.
Christ. How many tunnels lead off the island?
Only five, Sir. We've checked them all. He hasn't used any of them.
Have them sealed off.
And how should we do that, Sir?
Who are they? Lieutenant, get those people away from there.
CHARGEURES, property and casualty insurance. We are preparing a report.
You're fast.
That is our job.
Well your people are getting in the way of my job.
Major, what do you think could have done this?
Dr. Niko Topopolosis?
It's Tatopoulos.
Right. The worm guy. Can someone get those people off the beach?
Excuse me, would you mind telling me what the hell I'm doing here?
You didn't answer my question. In fact, for the last 18 hours no one has answered any of my questions.
Look, I may work for the Nuclear Regulatory Commission but accidents and spills are not my field.
Do you know that you just interrupted a three year study of the Chernobyl earthworm?
Yeah, you're the worm guy.
The radioactive contamination in that area altered the earthworm's DNA! You have any idea what that means?
No, but I have the feeling I'm about to find out.
Seventeen percent, huh? Sounds big.
They're enormous! A new species created by man's recklessness. That's what I've been trying to tell you, I'm only a biologist. I take radioactive samples and study them.
What sample?
That was a footprint. I was standing inside a footprint.
That's right.
But there's no animal in the world that can make prints like that? Is there?
Somebody must have seen it.
The radiation is not an anomaly, it's the clue. This creature is far too unique on every level to be some lost dinosaur.
Don't tell me why it's not, tell me what the hell it is.
You know, he's not an enemy trying to evade you. He's just an animal.
What are you suggesting?
Well, yes. I did. Clearly he was injured and bled.
You see, all we need to do is get a better shot at it with weapons that don't rely on heat seeking...
No, it reproduces asexually. That's why we must find the nest. If we don't, dozens will be born, each one capable of laying eggs of its own. Very quickly we could be looking at an enormous population.
So after we kill the creature we'll begin a search for the nest.
You gave them the tape?
We think there's a strong reason to believe it may be hiding inside one of the buildings within the sequestered area.
General Anderson, the problem was the terrain. If we lure him out into a more open area such as this portion of Central Park... We should be able to take him down.
Last time you didn't even scratch it!
Do you have any idea what's going on out there? The phones are ringing off the hook with people screaming to be let back into the city.
We're sending divers into the river now to retrieve the body.
Organize a search party. I want a complete sweep of the entire city and subway system.
Are you looking for this?
Do I know you?
We've met before.
SDECE, Service de Documentation Exterieure et de Contre-Espionnage. Agent Phillip Raymond.
Sounds like a big company.
It's the French Secret Service.
Oh.
We have learned that your American friends have decided not to look for the creature's nest.
Are you sure? How do you know?
We know.
Why are you telling this to me?
I need you to trust me.
Why do you need that?
I need your trust if you're to help me find the nest.
Oh, my bags. I've checked them in.
How did you get all of this stuff into the country?
So why all the secrecy? Why aren't you guys working with the US military?
I am a patriot. I love my country. Can you understand that?
Sure.
It is my job to protect my country. Sometimes I must even protect it from itself. From mistakes we have made. Mistakes that we do not want the world to know about.
Your talking about the nuclear testing in the Pacific.
Here. 23rd street subway station. Where we first found the fish. With a little luck, this will lead us right to it.
So you're in?
What's with the chewing gum?
They've turned off the ventilation system. They're calling him to dinner.
Three eggs. I thought there would be more.
I think we should leave now.
Contact the military and get them to send a bomber to blow up this building before these things escape.
How do I do that?
What'd they say?
Who the hell are you?
Hello?
It's Raymond.
I understand.
I just wanted to say, au revoir and thank you for your help, my friend.
Dr. Lazarus... I hope that I'm not breaching protocol but.. I am so very humbled to stand in your presence... I have studied your missions extensively... Though I am Thermian, I have lived my life by your philosophy, by the code of the Mak'tar.
Well good, that's very... nice.
By Grabthar's Hammer, Dr. Lazarus, I-
Don't do that. I'm not kidding.
I'm sorry, sir, I was only-
Just don't.
This is it?
Yes sir. Marvelous, isn't it? Completely distractionless.
Just as on your home planet, sir. If I may say, it took me three years to master the spikes, but now I sleep with a peace I never thought possible...
Is that the bathroom?
Dr. Lazarus, here is your surface mapper. I have programed it to the coordinates of a Beryllium Sphere of sufficient density.
Thanks.
Good luck on your mission, Sir. By Grabthar's Hammer, by the Suns of Warvan I wish you-
Uh uh! What did we talk about?
Sir, it's you Thank Ipthar!
Quellek. What are you doing in there?
I avoided capture using the Mak'tar stealth haze. Where is everyone?
Sir! The pressure. It's normalizing.
Okay, Quellek, let's get back to the command deck and-Suddenly we hear a PISTOL BLAST and Quellek's chest turns RED. Alexander and Quellek look down at the blood, horrified.
Not so bad. We'll get you to medical quarters. You're going to be fine.
I... I don't think I'm going to make it Sir...
No, don't talk like that, son. We're going to get you fixed up.
Don't speak, Quellek.
Come on, old friend...
You WILL go out there.
I won't and nothing you say-
"The show must go on."
I'm glad you asked... To me the most important qualities of a Galaxy Explorer are loyalty...
... to camera center no matter whose shot you're blocking...
God, what an ass.
Calm down everybody. We're just here to negotiate General Sarris' surrender.
At ease men.
We've got to stop!
We stop we die. Keep holding the thruster down Tommy!
You don't hold a thruster down! It's for quick boosts
NO! WE'RE ALMOST THROUGH!
DON'T BE INSANE, STOP! FULL STOP!
About this much.
What's the scale? Is that ten miles? A hundred miles?
There it is. The Beryllium sphere.
Go ahead!
You go first! There's no time!
What? What?
Nothing.
Fred's no good, Jason. You're going to have to kill it
ALEXANDER??? PLEASE? You're my advisor, advise me!
... . Well you have to figure out what it wants... What's its motivation?
It's a DAMN ROCK MONSTER!!! It doesn't HAVE motivation!
That's your problem. You were never serious about the caraft... "I'm a rock... I just want to be a rock... Still. Peaceful.. Tranquil.." ..."Oh, but what's this? Something's making noise... No, not noise, no... MOVEMENT. VIBRATIONS. Make the vibrations stop, they go straight into me like a knife!... I must CRUSH the thing that makes the vibrations..."
Hundreds dead, all so you could play at being the Commander.' You've murdered us all you egomaniacal sonofabitch!
"Purple skinned monstrosity...?"
I was staying in character. "Egomaniacal sonofabitch?"
Sense memory. I see you got to win the fight...
~hex! Alex, are you oKav?
Yes. Good was done this .....
Jason, before we entered the black hole, my instruments detected strange energy surge from Sarris' shiD~ similar to...
He's a twit!
Not again...
Settle down, Alex...
What the hell is going on?!!?
He wants to THINK!?
Could you possibly try not to hit every single one!
What's happened?
You were holding it upside down weren't you?
Shut up.
You know, with the makeup and everything1 I actually thought he was smart for a second.
You think you could do better "Laredo?"
And note the sucked in gut.
This is ludicrous. Why are you listening to this man? Must I remind you that he is wearing a costume, not a uniform?... He's no more equipped to lead us than THIS fellow. No offense.
You have a better plan, Alex?
He's a miserable twit!
Oh Alex, get away from that thing...
Alex you can't -just leave.
Oh good, there's nothing to eat.
Why didn't you stop at the market?
I still haven't got this bloody thing off.
You could order something in.
A boy comes to the door.
I don't know... It just wasn't like him.
Oh my god, It's real.
We heard it the first time!
May I get the check?
WE'VE HAVE TO STOP!
"Go into the cloud! ...
Alex? Where are you going?
Look at that... Will you LOOK at that... They look like little children...
I don't know.
Those blue things ate everybody here?
He knocked me out the sonofabitch. Where is he?
You said "the Commander.
What?
Back there. You said "the Commander is down there with a bunch of cannibals."
No I didn't.
He always has to make the big entrance.
He dissed us AGAIN, Brandon!
Hi Brandon.
No time for pleasantries, Kyle. We have a level five emergency. The Commander needs us to get him to the core and shut it down before it overloads.
Oh. Okay.
You've got the utility systems walkthrough, right?
I have sectors 1-28. I think Hector has the upper levels.
Commander, please settle a dispute that my crew and I are having. In "The Quasar Dilemma", the Sentient had taken control of the ship's guidance systems, however-
Commander, as I was saying... In "The Quasar Dilemma", you used the auxiliary of deck b for Gamma override. But online blueprints indicate deck b is independent of the guidance matrix, so we were wondering where the error lies?
It's a television show. Okay? That's all. It's just a bunch of fake sets, and wooden props, do you understand?
Yes but, we were wondering-
... Yes?
We accidently traded Vox units when we bumped into each other on Saturday.
Oh... Oh, I see. Oh.
What's your name, son?
Brandon.
Brandon, I remember you from the convention, right?... You had a lot of little technical observations about the ship, and I spoke sharply to you...
Yes, I know, and I want you to know I thought about what you said... I know you meant it constructively but...
It's okay. Listen-
... But I want you to know that I am not a complete braincase, okay? I understand completely that It's just a TV show. There is no ship, there is no Beryllium Sphere, no diagital conveyor... I mean, obviously it's all just a-
It's real, Brandon. All of it, It's real.
I knew it!... I KNEW it!...
Okay, we got it.
Okay, now left at the next turn... Past the oxygen units. Make a right there. Then go through the antimatter vent...
Okay... Okay, now what.
Commander, do you have a camera? I'd die to see this in person... All they showed on T,V was a machine here, and a wall here... I don't know why they didn't show the whole thing.
We'd never have the budget for this.
Yes...?
Brandon.. Just in case I die, there's something I have to know...
Yes Commander?
What does the Omega 13 do?
Well, that's the big question, isn't it?
What do you mean?
It's been the subject of an extremely heated debate on the internet for years. Many believe that is a matter collapser, a bomb capable of destroying all matter in the universe in a chain reaction lasting 13 seconds.
But you don't?
No, I am of the firm belief that in reality it is not a matter killer, but a matter REARRANGER, converting all molecules to the exact state they existed thirteen seconds previous to activation thus effecting a thirteen second time jump to the past.
How did you come to that conclusion?
BRANDON! TIME TO GO!
Commander, you and Lt. Madison will have to go through the crushers one at a time in three second intervals. Tell me when the first crusher hits the bottom...
Okay, now. But-
No, wait, are you-
Lt. Madison, GO.
Shit! Go!
Go. They're off again.
Up.
What? Up?
I'm at the control oaneh. What do I do?
Raise the glass and push the blue button.
That's It?
Structural damage at 68 percent.
I just can't believe it. Any of it! Look at this room!.. They designed it based on the Tuaran Pleasure ship from "historical document" thirty seven. Oh and wait, wait, listen to this! Computer?
Yes?
What's the weather like outside?
There is no weather in space.
The ship is sustaining structural damage.
The enemy is matching velocity.
Computer, what about our engines? Why don't we have power?
The Beryllium Sphere has fractured under stress.
Negative. The Beryllium sphere will have to be replaced.
Negative, no reserve Beryllium sphere exists onboard.
Systems register functional.
Systems register functional.
U.... What do you think?
That possibly... The valence bonds have shifted bi-laterally?
... What does that mean?
What does that mean?!!! Yes, I see! Yes... It means that perhaps... the... bonding molecules have become covalent?!...
Covalent... Right. So...
So our solution is to introduce a bonding substrate! - A two molecule compound sharing a free electron - and bombard the ions with their reflective isotopes!
Hey Commander. Listen, we found some Beryllium on a nearby planet. We might be able to get there if we re-configure the solar matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion. What do you think?
A hologram...
Never mind, Fred....
The digital conveyer? You mean I'm going to get diced into cubes and sorted up there in a thousand pieces?
Right.
No, I'll kill you. .
Fred, I worked summer stock with Hopkins. Regional theater with Hoffman. But I swear to God I have never met an actor who could hit his mark, or nail his lines with the professional consistency of a Freddy Kwan. You're Mr. Dependable... You can do this.
As good as Hopkins?
How do you remember this stuff?
You Okay, Alex?
...The digital conveyor.
We've got to get that valve turned off. Their oxygen Is almost gone...
Listen, I'll go in, create a distraction. have this... may be able to hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape.
It's suicide.
I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I'm going to die, I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.
Listen, I was wondering, would you guys mind if I sit in today? See if anybody's interested in an autograph? Never know.
"Crewman #6"... Call me Guy.
THAT'S why you built this ship?
The Omega 13... Why does that sound so familiar?...
Guy, you HAVE a last name. We just don't KNOW it.
Where are the miners?
Oh, they're so cute.
I am SO SICK of being right.
How the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram?
...Okay
They're still behind us...
Guy, you're not going to get killed on the planet, okay?
Oh, I'm not? I'm not? Then what's my last name?
Your last name.
Yeah, what is it?
It's... I don't know.
We're screwed... We're so screwed...
That's it, that's what's going to kill me.
It doesn't have to be a hologram... Just a diversion.
Jason, are we doing Episode 31 or not?
It's a rough plan, Guy! What does it matter if we're doing episode 31 or not?!
I know... You contruct a weapon. Look around, can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?...
We~re oetting hammered, Jason. Return fIre?
Hi everybody.
Hey. Thanks for one nice intro... uh.
More to the left... Stay parallel...
"Assault on Voltareck III." Episode... 31 I think.
We're doing episode 31?
They're gone.
You have no idea what a perimeter is, do you?
Not a clue. You?
We're alive!
~e're alive!
A few fans built a little set in their garage. . I come in for an hour at most. It's a nothing.
How much of a nothing? Not enough to split five ways kind of a nothing?
What?
This isn't mine. Wait, where is that kid?...
It's Jason...
One minute I'm - Hey, I'm dressing.'
Let me try. Computer? Computer?...
Only answers to me.
But I'm the Commander!
On the show I talk to the computer and repeat what it says. So that's what they built.
Wait. When are you going to tell them?
Tell them? About...
Who we are. Don't you think they're going to be PISSED?
Are you kidding? I'm not going to tell them.
Well you have to tell them. What if something happens? We're actors, not astronauts... We can't do this stuff!
It's not the STUFF. I mean, anybody can learn the STUFF... The important thing is COMMITMNT. 99% of anything is just committing to it.
Hey... Hey where are you going?
We have no right to do this. They deserve to know.
We're leaving, Jason. We're leaving NOW.
There's nobody here. Jason...
All right, now nobody panic, I've dealt with this guy before and believe me, he's as stupid as he is ugly.
Jason..
We're going to fire everything we've got at him, all right?
JASON...
I made the CUT THE LINE gesture. You nodded okay.'
I thought It was the "We're dead" gesture! I was agreeing! Like I know where the hold button is???
Maybe we can lose them in that cloud.
Are they behind us?
Can it be repaired?
Do we have a replacement Beryllium sphere onboard?
Self control? That's funny coming from the guy that slept with every Moon Princess and Terrakian slave girl on the show!...
Did it ever occur to you that if you had been a little more supportive you could have held on to me?
You're playing your good side.
All right... here's the plan: First, Fred, we need a diversion to clear those things out of the compound, then Gwen, Alex, Fred and I go down to get the sphere. Any of those things come back, give a signal. Guy, you set up a perimeter.
How does the rolling help, actually?
Clenched jaw...
Jason.. Can you hear me?
Thank God. Are you okay?
Yeah. But I've got Gorignak staring me in the face. I think I can take it though...
What? What did he say?
Wait, the pig lizard is gone. Why are they still chanting for the pig lizard?
Jason?... I don't think the pig lizard was Gorignak...
So... We get to shut down the neutron reactor?
Right.
Uh... I hate to break it to you Jason, but I don't know how to shut down a neutron reactor, and unless you took a Learning Annex course I don't know about, I'm pretty sure you don't know how to shut down a neutron reactor either.
There's no hatch. There's no hatch!
What IS that thing? It serves no useful purpose to have a bunch of CHOPPY CRUSHY things in the middle of a CATWALK!?.'
Gwen...
We shouldn't have to DO this! It makes NO LOGICAL SENSE! Why is it HERE?
Because it was on the show!
He's accelerating to Mark 6.
never doubted you for a second.
Where the hell is he? An hour and a half late. An hour and a half!
You're kidding. When for?
Unbelievable.
You gotta admit, they do love him.
That's it, It's go time.
You should have let me hit him.
You know, that's really getting annoying.
I have ONE job on this lousy ship. It's stupid, but I'm going to DO it. GOT IT?
Oh my god! Tommy! Stop the pod! Stop the pod!
We got the Sphere but the Commander's down there with a bunch of cannibals! Teb, reset the pod, we're going back.
That thing's not going to get us down there fast enough. Face it, he's dead.
I heard it too.
JASON You think you could-get any closer to those mines?
Closer? I can try.
Tommy, look! Those lights...
First, I require the Omega 13... Second-
Yes... Hi Sarris... How are you doing?
Right. Well... Listen, I'm I'm sorry about that whole... thing.. before. It was kind of a misunderstanding. I'm sure we can work this out like reasonable people... How's the uh... ... that going to heal up? God, I hope so, I feel just awful about that.
Deliver the device now or I will destroy your ship.
Listen, I'd like to, but frankly.. I'm not even sure where it is, or even...
You have ten seconds.
Yes.
Then tell me one thing... What does it do, the device? The Omega 13.
Is it a bomb? A booby trap? Tell me!
Stop, please! I don't know!
Prepare a tear harness for the female...
No! I swear I don't know! Please!
Wait. What did you say?
Explain -
My name is Jason Nesmith. I'm an actor. We're all actors.
Our dimwitted friends don't understand the concept of acting. They have no theater, no imagination these scientists.
We pretend...
Simpler.
We.. We lie.
Accelerate to Mark 4, Tommy.
Commander, I must speak to you. It is a matter of supreme importance... We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula, and we require your help. I beseech you to come with us, back to our ship. A great many lives hang in the balance...
Right, If this is about the thing tomorrow you can hammer out the details with my agent, but make sure I have a limo from my house, they jammed me into a Toyota the last time I did one of these
I... certainly, but-
Sir, I understand this is a terrible breach of protocol, but please, I beg you to hear our plea. We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula. Our people are being systematically hunted and slaughtered by Roth'h'ar Sarris of Fatu-Krey. Sarris wants the Omega 13. We are to meet in negotiation. However our past efforts in this regard have been nothing short of disastrous. The
Commander... Welcome to the Protector II. Would you like to don your uniform?
Mind If we skip that? I have to get back pretty quick for this thing in Van Nuys.
Commander?... Where are you... going?
Home.
You... You mean Earth?
But Commander... The negotiation... You... You... You fired on him.
Right. Long live... What's your planet?
Theramin.
Long live Theramini. Take a left here?
But what if Sarris survives?
Oh, I don't think so. I gave him both barrels.
He has a very powerful ship. Perhaps you would like to wait to see the results of-
An interstellar vox.
How can we thank you, Commander. You- You have saved our people.
Weapons storage...
It's perfectly safe. I promise.
To our brave guests. Few in this universe have the opportunity to meet their heroes. We are blessed to count ourselves among them.
Mathesar?. .. Has Sarris seen the.. historical records?
NO, Thank God he has not.
Then how did he find out about the device?
Our former Commander was not... Strong.
Former Commander?
Commander...
Mathesar? What is that?
A thousand apologies. We have failed you.
You what?.. What are you talking about?
"Deception..." "Lies."
Well... Sort of...
I'm not a Commander, there is no National Space Exploration Administration. There is no snip.
But there it is!...
A model, only as big as this.
But... Inside, I have seen-
Sections of rooms made of plywood. Our Beryllium Sphere was painted wire and plaster. The digital conveyor was Christmas lights... Decorations. It's all a fake. I'm not him... I'm a nothing. A nobody.
But...Why?
The ship is a model... As big as this!... A very clever deception indeed! He oan't oontaln hIs lauchter. A belle-----TOMMY Set a course for home, lommander?
You said we do appearances together, or not at all.'
... to make sure craft service keeps those little butter cookies, and plenty of them-
That's right... Just keep shaking it out... Here, have some gum, It helps.
Wh... Where are we?
What's going on?
Excuse me?
Well, it's... This was a device we... discovered on an alien planet. We don't know what it does either.
Where?
Faster Tommy. Get us out of here!
Could be this.
Do your best, Tommy...
All right, Gwen, Alex, Fred, follow me. Guy, set up the perimeter. Tommy, you keep a lookout, make a signal if they come back.
What kind of signal?
Anything.
Okay, I'll do this... "Caw Caw!"
Oh, right, sorry.
Sorry Guys... It just went off.
Okay... On what?
How about the pig-lizard?
Go for the eyes. Like in episode 22 with-
It doesn't have eyes.
The throat, the mouth... Its vulnerable spots.
NO NO NO.
All right guys... Uh... Gwen and I are going to have to get to the core and shut it down manually. Fred, you and Guy need to get that air valve back on. Alex, see if you can get the prison doors open downstairs in case Fred and Guy can't get the oxygen back in time.
Jason? What about me? What do I do?
Pedal to the metal Tommy...
Let's do it, Tommy.
Commander?... Call me Laredo?
Hold course, Laredo!
Continue forward, sir?
Lieutenant Lathe, I confess I am beginning to feel a bit foolish myself. Chasing across the universe to obtain what is, I am now certain, a bauble of fiction. Tell me how best to obliterate this vessel? I would like nothing to remain.
Find them.
But sir, my MEN. The core implosion is not reversible...
enerao, I've host them. The maanetlsm o: the field Is disrupting our onstru- ~ait. There they are
WHAT? WH
Because they're coming right at us.
Some say that Hessians are invincible.
Well, now there's something worth dying for. What do you think?
Hmmm... she's beneath me, I'm afraid.
Unfortunately, I'll never get the chance. I'm leaving in an hour for Congress to scream like a violated virgin about my promotion. Wasting my time, naturally... Look at her teasing those bumpkins.
I'm accused of using some government wagons to ship personal property.
We've got to attack the British! Now! Have they put you in charge yet? Do we have an army yet? What is happening?
I capture Quebec leading an Army by river fordings through Maine... If we don't do it, the British will come down Champlain, take back Ticonderoga and attack us in the spring.
You'd have to travel hundreds of miles through the wilderness.
Over three hundred miles.
You seem pleased by the prospect.
What's your frank estimation of the British?
Well, you fought with them against the French and Iroquois, how good were they then?
They died well. Otherwise, they didn't do much right. But if we have war, the British will surely send their best troops: right now they have no other enemies.
And a French alliance?
Ben Franklin's going to Paris, but I think the French will be long on talk and short on guns. Our troops are mobs, they won't take orders, have no equipment... could they beat the British?
Arnold!
Damn-it! You've given us a whole new season, Benedict! And Congress thinks that the British are going to ride right over us come spring. Now half their army is back in Canada.
Congress has picked up it's skirts and is racing for Baltimore. They're not waiting for spring! Of course, they still had time to deny my promotion. Even John Adams voted against it...
Why in hell would John do that? Why in hell would any of them do that? After all you've done, it's unbelievable!
Oh, they have reasons... there's a lot of confusion these days.
They don't trust me, that's the truth isn't it? Sam Adams never did.
We're in bad shape, Benedict, moral is low. Before I can do anything, I need Lee and his seven thousand troops. I've ordered him to join us three times. In my last letter I all but begged him to come here. The man is insubordinate.
Go on... I want to hear everything.
Congress is talking -- openly -- about replacing you with Lee.
Is that a fact.
What do you think, George, shall I resign? It's what they want.
The army needs you.
The army can survive without me.
Then, I need you. We all do. Without your victory the men would have no hope at all.
Someday, George, you may need to act for the good of the people no matter what Congress thinks that is. It may come down to us, or them someday. You or them. Cicero was right: was is 'a time when the laws are silent'.
I hope I never have to believe that.
After visiting Congress I know what it's like being violated by come disproportionate asses! Ah, if she only knew that the most important men in the country -- possibly the world -- are sitting at this table...
We're so damned important! Look at us -- Nathanael, you were a horse- shoer, Benedict, before this?
Well, George, who were you?
Our plan is to hit them as they leave.
While they're strung out?
They're ready. Believe me, the ones that stayed on here at Valley Forge are ready for anything. Of course, we get nothing from Congress. They need boots, coats... we desperately need food.
There was this anonymous pamphlet circulated at Congress which says I am personally responsible for all our hardships. And... that I have encouraged the people of America to make me into a God! Benedict, it says that I have gone mad!
That can't be.
There's this whispering campaign against me ever since Gates won at Saratoga.
Gates? He used my battle plan and I humbly submit that without me he'd still be back at Saratoga waiting for the British to attack. George, why haven't you moved into the Potts' house back at the creek? Much more befitting of a Commander and Chief than your field tent. And... you could entertain. I think you need to entertain more. Seriously! Get a
As soon as the men have good shelters I'll move. Perhaps Martha will join me this winter.
Have you heard? The British are negotiating to make a trade for General Lee.
I'm sure his dogs will be overjoyed.
That scum Joseph Reed... they're calling him the 'King of Pennsylvania'. The man's a budding Cromwell. He condemns rich Tories to death and then 'appropriates' their property for himself. Naturally, the pig hates me for every Tory I've saved.
They love Reed and his inquisition! I think they hope to share in his disgusting profits! It's becoming the American way!
These men were taken from their homes at night, tried by Reed's courts -- which Congress recognizes -- and, well, you can see.
Colonel, sir, Mrs. Washington inquires if you are going to join her for dinner?
You, you just need a new flint, General.
You are never, never to touch my guns! Do you understand!?
Yes, General. But if you have to shoot somebody, you can't.
None of the servants is to touch a gun! You know that!
Misunderstood what!?
A lot of years have gone by.
What? What are you talking about?
Me? You apologizing to me?
Wil...
Yes, general?
You've served me loyally, year after year, without complaining. I've thought hard about you this past winter. I want to free you, Wil. I want to give you your freedom, after this battle is fought.
Yes, general.
Wil, I'm giving you your freedom. Do you understand?
No. I guess.
Wil, I want to remind you of a conversation we started just before Monmouth...
Well, what have you thought?
No uniforms. No coats, even? In this weather?
No, my lord.
What sort of boots would you say he's wearing? I should say, no sort of boots at all. Aren't those rags wrapped around his feet? Is that what he marched here in?
Yes, my lord.
And, is that a pitchfork beside him?
Negroes? Washington has black men in his army? Are they good fighters? What's that red ribbon on his arm, Colonel?
Because they have hardly any uniforms, they designate officers with colored ribbons. My lord.
By red, what rank would you say this black, officer, soldier is, Colonel?
General Lee, welcome back. I'm happy you've decided to join us.
I am to take command of Major General Lafayette's division and lead the attack.
What the goddamned hell do you think you are doing!?
The British! These men cannot stand against them!
Who is that!?
That's Greene. He's supporting our reconsolidation.
Captain Alexander Hamilton, sir!
Hamilton, you're going to have to cover our asses as we cross.
We've got powder but no ball!
How old are you, Captain?
I'll be twenty next year, sir.
I'll expect you for dinner this evening, Captain Hamilton. For Christ's sake, have a bath.
Excuse me, General, but may I ask how do you feel?
No one wants to turn the table on the enemy more than I. But if victory is remote and there's any hope for a negotiated peace, we must keep this army intact.
I'm so inclined.
General Washington, is there actually going to be a compromise, I mean, a 'deal' with England?
Captain, I want you to know that I respect your openness. It would make me happy if you'd join our table for dinner from now on.
With pleasure... and an honor. Did you hear about Nathan Hale?
That young school teacher... I heard the British hung him as a spy.
They're among the best divisions the British have. No conscripts, no impressed recruits, just professional killers.
I was a clerk's apprentice on Saint Croix. But, then I went to King's College.
Are you going to keep him, sir?
It's impossible to stop these men deserting in winter, you might as well stop geese from migrating.
What are we going to do?
General Greene is here. There are two other divisions here.
Yessir.
Sir, I think no such thing.
Don't lie to me, Hamilton! If I had not court-martialed Arnold...
Sir, Arnold is a traitor.
I must tell you sir you treat me with disrespect!
What is this?
This is a declaration of insurrection! Who wrote this!?
George, remember that night when we were drinking with Arnold?
To hell with Arnold...
He warned you some day you might have to act for the good of the people -- even if it was against Congress. George, the time has come for you to declare yourself king of America. Listen to me, the whole army would rise up as one and place you on a throne! George, you must declare yourself with us or against us.
What's your advice, Alexander?
I want to address the officers, all the officers. Next Friday. Can we arrange it at the mess?
Yes, I believe so.
Have you decided if you are going to join the Virginia Delegation to the Constitutional Convention?
I'm not sure.
George, you're the only man the people trust... trust with power. They know you won't betray them.
That's why the people trust you George. Without someone at the convention, who has the people behind him, everything will fail. Will you do it?
Horatio! Horatio Gates, of course you know John Adams of the Massachusetts Delegation.
Good day, Mister Adams... George, what's the word from Boston?
The last I heard, a bunch of drunken militia have dug in on Breed's hill. With one stroke the British could cut them off and apparently their leaders are too dumb to see it.
Who's in command out there?
Who the hell knows? Everyone's giving orders. It's all very democratic.
Well, John Adams, your cousin has a marvelous gift.
With your support, Horatio. As one of our own who has seen combat with the British, your opinion counts.
You won't be needing his largess, Rhode Island is already committed to your appointment.
Colonel Charles Lee... Hounds and all. Quite the character. He's got a tremendous reputation.
If he supports the British why is it that every time he gets near them he kills so many of them? Unlike General Lee... who you and Congress backed for second in command and who is a goddamned incompetent!
Lafayette is a child!
George, I'm sorry. We all know the army will acquit Arnold...
Of course the army will acquit him, that's not the point... Arnold is a man and will understand. What I need to understand is, John, Sam... what is happening here? Who are those people in there? The fat ones in silk?
They are... friends of Congress.
Washington is perfect. He's a Southerner, he's a war hero and he's rich!
He's from Virginia -- there is no more classist, elitist... English place on earth than Virginia. And, what in hell has he done for our cause? Washington has been preaching compromise, compromise, compromise! Hancock acts, he led the Boston Tea party! That's why New England loves him.
Let's not over do it...
I tell you every damned place I go the man is adored! "General Washington! Champion of Trenton! Savior of the Republic!" And you should hear the way people are deprecating Congress!
Makes you gag.
Gag on your own invention, then.
Oh, come now...
You think that?
No one wants another failure right now, God knows. But people like Arnold and, God knows, I'm having my fears about General Washington.
Finally!? It's people like these who, as soon as they get a little power, want more and more. More ale, here!
Partially...
I doubt Arnold will be afraid.
Did God ever make such a pitiful army?
No officer is going to get these men to fight! They had the life crushed out of them on Long Island. At the most, perhaps we could make a feint at an outpost, then retire to protect Congress.
I hear General Lee is holding seven thousand fresh infantry back in New York -- why won't he come on!?
General Lee is detained captain...
Detained by what?
The British army, sir!
Congress is bitterly opposed to allowing Negroes in the army!
We already have black soldiers in our army...
Unofficially, General Greene.
Any word from Canada?
Spies from Quebec confirm that the British are sending an entire fleet down Lake Champlain...
My God... They mean to finish us. What about Arnold? He's up there.
If we have any hope for a compromise or truce with England now, we have to hold on here: our men must believe they can win -- the British must believe that somehow, in some mad, impossible way we might actually be able to hurt them.
Colonel Reed...
That damned Arnold is here, isn't he? Did you know he lost all his ships? Outrageous and completely unacceptable.
Joseph, the British spent thousands of pounds and precious months putting together a fleet that Arnold stopped by sacrificing a heap of old barges. In my opinion he saved my army.
A grand scheme?
A ground swell-Christian movement, George, you see?
No. As a matter of fact I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.
What do you mean you're not a Christian? Of course you're a Christian, we're all Christians...
I mean, I'm a Deist. A belief I share with the likes of Tom Jefferson and Ben Franklin. Surely you knew that.
But the Hessians are there! No one can beat them! That's why Cornwallis stationed them there! They have the post of honor! They are invincible!
They are also very religious. So, we will attack them three days from now, on Christmas. One force under me, and another to the south under Colonel Cadwalader...
George, I'm afraid if you go through with this madness I must tender my resignation as your aide. I see where we're headed, you're putting your trust in the likes of Hamilton and Arnold...
How many generals do we have like Arnold? He's got guts -- he's vain, and he fights!
And, Hamilton? Greene?
They help me understand why we fight.
Understand? You need to be listening to people like John Adams, and to keep the best interest of the country first in your mind!
Gentlemen, let me get to the point, I can't see the wisdom of pursuing this old court-martial against General Arnold.
The man is a traitor!
Arnold is indispensable, do you understand? I need Arnold to help me win this war!
Well, I shall deny him to you! He is evil on earth!
However, through my relations with members of his majesty's court, I am a representative of the French government whose deepest desire is to be one people, united with our American brothers in arms to defeat the rapacious armies of King George of England. Vive la France! Vive l'Amerique!
We have more officers created by Congress than we know what to do with.
Sir, please accept my commission from Congress... and... You must see this portrait of my beautiful wife, Adrienne, we had the most perfect little baby girl just before I left. Her name is Henriette...
Gentlemen, my I introduce a French gentleman, recently appointed major general by Congress... Marie Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette. General Lafayette has brought us the greetings and goodwill of his countrymen, and... how many cases of muskets, Mon petite Marquis?
'Continentals', Congress' paper money. It was worthless to start with, but as you see, counter feiters have made them even less than worthless. Can you tell which one is fake?
I... they look both the same.
No, please; an advance on your salary.
Mon General, I have come here to learn and to give, not to take. I am serving without salary.
You must be very rich.
I am. Then, I understand you too serve without salary. You know, since your charming little victories at Trenton and Princeton, the French court is softening. I expect any time now a ship load of supplies...
'Charming little victories?' Please don't expect much more of us, Monsieur.
I only meant...
These supplies...?
Muskets and uniforms and Bayonets.
And how rusty are these muskets?
Well, we will accept these charming little gifts. When we see them. Meanwhile, please, take your pick of a horse.
I rode here, on my horse.
Because, if the British got off their asses and came up here, now, we would be smashed. And the revolution would be finished. Tell King Louis, it's that bad.
Like flowers after the snow melts.
What is it, Marquis?
My God! Who ordered this retreat?!
General Lee, sir!
I feel the same, sir.
It's another demonstration against the king. This is the wildest yet.
My God, these people mean to go to war! They really mean it.
Surely you knew this was coming.
Our beloved father, the King, also refuses to bend.
But to go to war over trade, over money? Surely there's still time for a compromise.
Of course, if it were that simple. These people? They're after something else...
My God, what?
Well, a very real expectation is the British will hang you! They'll burn Mount Vernon and they'll hang you! Our marriage is a business just as surely as...
I'm very aware of that.
I can not allow the fortune in slaves my first husband created and what our partnership has elevated, to be destroyed...
Don't be ridiculous, of course that won't happen.
The day Tom Jefferson frees a slave I'll ride naked through the streets of Williamsburg on a mule. Tom Jefferson is one of those people who talks big and acts small. The only man out there who really does what he says is Sam Adams and everyone thinks he's crazy. Believe me, this 'disturbance' isn't going to last long. You have to understand, congress
And, what 'prize' do you see? What could we possible gain?
But, as usual, it will not go well for... them. Martha, you must trust me.
"Liberty, Virtue, Country"... That's from Cato... you know, that play about the noble Romans? As I was riding up to Philadelphia, I found myself thinking about the old days...
When you lived with the Fairfaxes?
When I was a young man we used to recite Cato... We would come together recite it like they were words from heaven. Devotion to country, duty, purity of heart... Purity of heart. I was drunk on something then...
That's right...
Did you know that Jefferson has proposed a law in Virginia aiming at an absolute separation of state from the church?
I think I heard that.
It's an anti-Christian dogma! I cannot believe you are so calm about it!
What else? From Virginia?
Martha... what?
Virginia is outraged with your order allowing Negroes to fight in the army. There's a deep feeling of hurt and betrayal. They wanted you commander because they expected you would look out for our interests.
To win this war I need an army.
Oh, indeed? You know very well people are frightened of arming the Negroes! They beg you to consider the future. What good is a revolution if it overturns those things we cherish!?
What's the point of a revolution if it doesn't?
Some things must never change.
Is that why you come in here tossing pennies to my starving men? It's damned condescending!
Don't condescend to me! We have both of us prospered from the arrangements of our kind...
Well, we must keep in mind the Dower Laws. One third of everything we have is mine and since our Negroes have been interbreeding, it would be legally impossible to distinguish them.
Martha! For God's sake!
Leave me, now sir, I am tired.
Not today.
I want you to see our hospital.
We can't take them. Are you all right?
We're leaving them?
They're finished, they can't help us anymore! They've done their duty, General Greene, now you do yours!
Colonel Washington? Colonel Nathanael Greene, Rhode Island Militia.
Yes, yes, happy to meet you.
I... I'm possessed of the idea of a command in your army, sir.
It isn't my army yet, Colonel Greene. Looks like you've seen some action -- did you hurt your leg, in a fight?
But, you do come from a military family?
A horseshoer?
The only way to get discipline into these men is to beat it into them! Fifty lashes each!
Sir, Congress hasn't issued their pay for two months, many have not eaten properly for at least that long. You're being a little hard on them, don't you think?
Nathanael, someone bred to station, bred to being a gentleman -- unlike these men -- his sense of duty naturally prevails over the baser needs.
I certainly didn't mean you. Of course you are a gentleman, an officer and a gentleman.
General Greene?
I'm with Captain Hamilton.
They're just disgusting, jealous, bottom-feeding swine. It's their nature.
Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I don't understand your history at all. I mean, why would you want to win the war? You're not after glory, like Benedict... You're a slave owner, and yet you invite blacks to fight in your army.
You don't believe I can fight from a sense of duty and patriotism?
No. We're all of us after something. It's easy for me to fight for the common man. My father could only dream that I would be... a general someday? And what of my daughter or son? I know what I'm after. But now, with all this talk about compromise? It means the rich will just be more wealthy and the common man has no
I will not betray you, Nathanael.
At one time I could have chosen not to be.
What the hell are we doing?
Nathanael, I'm sending you to Virginia to head the southern army, to harass Cornwallis. Marquis, you must go with him.
Sir, I have to act on instructions from you ordering thirty copies of your own dress uniform...
They're for my bodyguard. I have an absolute conviction that Arnold is planning to have me assassinated! It will be harder if I am surrounded by a body of men who look like me, don't you think?
Well, this must be about something!
If the constitution is ratified... we'll have a country. They'll want to elect you president of the convention, which means president of the country.
Well, the widow Curtis will bring you riches, position, land, even half-grown children. You won't have to do anything at all! You shan't have to do another thing to prove yourself.
You know very well who it is that I love.
George, you know I only love you, but...
But not more than your comfort.
And what is this, then? Been off to fight the French because you are a patriot? Or is this you, gaining your long sought after rise in society by becoming victorious in war!?
That's a lie!
Is it? William says now you have requested a British Commission, why not colonial? I'll clear it up for you, sir, because as a British officer you can lord over colonial yokels -- more than that, it will even get you into polite society! Your dream come true, George, the only dream that really matters to you.
Perhaps you've been counting my acres, Mrs. Fairfax, and discovered exactly how poor I really am.
Now that is a lie! See how much you want to create a scandal in exchange for a glowing reputation and polite society laid at your feet! When you break off your engagement to Martha Curtis, I'll divorce William! Do you hear? You get what you want from this world, then throw it all away on love!
You remember, George, when we were 'studying' the great philosophers?
I remember a pair of young philosophers once, who laughed at the world.
Well, I remember a philosopher who said something that I used to think was just another of those stupid class denouncements... but which I now see means us all.
Really? Which precious homily was it?
So, you are William's wild young neighbor? Or should I say, 'brother'; William claims you as a member of his family. I have heard so many unflattering tales about you, and I understand, that except for you, this 'family' is quite cultivated.
George, I'm sorry.
Oh, but you must not mind my talking about you! In fact, William says my main job here at Belvoir is to civilize you; to make an honest English gentleman out of you.
We can grow three primary crops in a season and, if we have some luck, we get a forth. The temperature is generally mild.
Except for that, quite like home; England, that is.
Think what the play means, William. Perhaps these words have a place in the real world.
Where... do those men come from, George?
Africa, of course.
Africa? That's so far? How do they get here?
Slavers capture them and bring them here.
Capture them? Well, I've never seen anything like it, so... of course I'm curious.
The word 'minuet' finds its source in minitus, which is Latin meaning 'small' or 'orderly'.
Or, 'civilized'.
Cranes? Who needs to walk like a crane?
What do you really think of the minuet, anyway?
Then why are you teaching me...?
I always though London was the place to be: capital of the world, the most spectacular city on earth.
The place to want to be is America. Every English child dreams of it. I dreamt it.
Do you? When I saw those men yesterday in the field... and the women and children in those hovels? I'm not so sure if America is as far from England as I'd hoped.
It's the freest land on earth.
Is it? Well, I'm scared of what we've become in our freedom.
And to think I am teaching you to become one of them...
I don't laugh at you, George. I like you. I like you because you will never, ever make it as an aristocrat... and that's because you're completely incompetent at hiding your feelings.
What are you doing?
Let's get you darker!
You're out of your mind!
Why? Juba was an African and you want to look the part -- hold still.
They can use their imaginations.
I've been surprised in an unguarded hour, But must not now go back; the love that lay, Half smothered in my breast, has broke through all, Its weak restraints, and burns in its full lustre. I cannot, if I would, conceal it from thee.
I'm lost in ecstasy! And dost thou love, Thou charming maid?
Remember, George, "It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong."
That's good... who?
You are a slave owner! You have been illegally surveying lands beyond the Ohio Valley! That land belongs to the natives!
All people have rights!
Just because they are born?
Yes!
Who says so?
I say!
I see...
And 'others', say... have you even read Locke, Vattel, Voltaire, Diderot...
You hear that?
That? I hear a mob: unemployed, drunkards, vagabonds... the world's dregs.
Is that your test of patriotism, George; if a man will die for you?
The land here is best for grain and corn.
My daughter, I ask only...
For God sake, get that horrid stuff off your face. You look like a damned slave! It's damned humiliating.
Juba was a Numidian.
William, we've been studying hard, I really know my stuff.
What is this?
An Oldsmobile Silhouette.
I reserved a Cadillac.
Yeah, well, this one's the Cadillac of minivans.
You're kidding me, right?
Shit, now someone's gotta climb down there and get him.
You didn't have to shoot him, Bo. We coulda just beat him up some.
Cat, that's the lamest idea I've ever heard.
And I mean high up in it. That's why Harry's gonna make Mr. Lovejoy with me, not Chili Palmer.
Mr. Lovejoy? That's cute, Bo.
Doesn't matter what it's called, Harry's got Martin Weir and it's gonna be big.
He knew it was a set up. He was ready for it.
So where's the money?
I guess still in the locker.
You guess? You mean you don't know?
You see the paper?
I seen it, but I don't believe it. Says Harry shot Ronnie five times. Four to the chest and one through his foot.
His foot. Jeez, poor Ronnie...
Listen, tonight, later on, I got one for you doesn't involve any heavy work. I want you to go have a look around Chili Palmer's hotel room.
I can't. I got to take Farrah to Satan's place down in Costa Mesa.
Who?
Her mother. Not that it matters because I don't work for you no more. I quit. I just wanted to come by, tell you to your face so there's no misunderstanding.
Whoa... This is the man used to jump offa high buildings?
Into air bags. There's no cushion under what you're doing. I'm out of it, Cat. I'm done.
Bear. The Colombians are in L.A. Seems they all upset about their money. That ain't enough, as a bonus, it turns out the yoyo was Escobar's nephew.
He's gonna plea-deal his way out. Give up this ace stunt man now one of the West Coast dope kings, if they go easy on the Cat.
I heard in the Federal joints they let you spend an extra five minutes at the glass with your Daddy on Father's Day.
After this one, I'm out, Cat, you understand? This is the last time we talk to each other.
Remember Harry's story about the dry cleaner Palmer was after? Guy who stole the three hundred grand from the airline?
What about him?
I was thinking tonight you could go have a look around Palmer's hotel room while I go check out Karen Flores' place. See if he hasn't stashed it somewhere.
And if we don't happen to find it under Palmer's mattress or inside Karen Flores' undie drawer? What then?
You get the money?
No. What's this?
Trade for what?
You get life for kidnapping.
Calm down, Bear...
Hell, why not just shoot her? Why not shoot everybody. Fuckin' shoot me. Shoot the fuckin' president?
And that's for the airport.
Hey, he should have a weapon, a knife or something.
You keep hittin' him like that, he ain't gonna look like he broke in anymore, he gonna look like someone beat him up and then shot him.
I don't know how I could've missed you with that shirt on. It's the same as the other one you had only the hibiscus are a different color. Right?
So you didn't have the key with you.
You think I'd be standing here? You set somebody up and you want it to work, it has to be a surprise. Can you remember that?
What, did you see it work in some movie you got beat up in?
I have to ask you for that key.
What, the setup didn't work so you want the key back?
Catlett says if you don't open the locker the deal's off.
Look, there's no fuckin' way I'm gonna give you the key, outside of you point a gun at my head. Then we might have something to talk about. Now step away from the car.
What're you hanging around with a guy like that for? You were in the movies, right? A stuntman? What's he ever done he can talk about? You feel okay?
Not too bad.
I think I pulled my quadriceps.
So... how many movies you been in?
About sixty.
Where is my nephew?
Your who?
He's my sister's kid. No papa. Not too bright. Personally, I think he's a retard. I only gave him the job as a favor for my sister, you understand?
Sure. Family. I know how that goes.
He comes up here with our product. He suppose to come home with five hundred thousand dollars. He never shows up. Meanwhile, my sister's going crazy calling me all the time worried about him. Me, I just wanna know what happened to my focking money.
Well, I don't know. I gave the man his money, sent him on his way.
You gave him the money?
I gave him a key to a locker that had the money in it.
Now why would you do that? Put the money in a locker?
Because there were a zillion DEA guys hanging around the terminal.
Maybe your nephew panicked, took off.
Where's your partner, the jumpy one? Why isn't he here?
He's around someplace.
You know, you speak very good English, Mr. Escobar.
What's this movie you're doing first?
But first I want to know who I'm talking to. Am I talking to you, or am I talking to him?
You can talk to me.
You understand I knew Harry was lying, saying this wasn't any good, but holding on to it, man, like you have to break his fingers to get it from him.
I'm just explaining to you what I'm doing here. Case you think I come to rob the place, rip off any of this dusty old shit the man has.
Harry called you his associate, but what does that mean? I never heard your name or read it in Variety or The Reporter or anyplace.
It's what he said, I'm his associate.
You must bring something heavy to the deal.
Says here you're getting Martin Weir for the part of Lovejoy.
Yeah, we're getting Martin.
No shit, come on. How you gonna do that?
I put a gun right here... ...and I tell him, 'Sign the paper Marty or your fuckin' dead.' Like that.
I wonder, would that work? You know who I see for Al Roxy? Harvey Keitel. The man could do it in his sleep.
Harvey Keitel. Yeah. Maybe. He was pretty good in the movie "Fingers".
I missed that one. Or, hey, you know who else? Morgan Freeman. You know Morgan?
Yeah, Morgan Freeman. But he's a colored guy.
Title's the first thing's got to go. And the guy's name. I mean, even this writer's name, Murray Saffrin is better than "Lovejoy".
There's Ilona.
What about her?
Get something going there.
With Ilona? You know how old Ilona is?
She's... young.
Young? She's fuckin' nine-years-old, same age as Lovejoy's kid. Bernie. One she calls Bernard. Have you read the script?
Yeah, I read it. I was just thinking you could make her older. We might even be able to get Karen Flores.
Who?
You know how to write one of these?
There's nothin' to know. You have an idea, you write down what you wanna say. Then you get somebody to add in the commas and shit where they belong, if you aren't positive yourself. Maybe fix up the spelling where you have some tricky words... although I've seen scripts where I know words weren't spelled right and there was hardly any commas in it
That's all there is to it, huh?
I really think I can be of service on this one.
I need the money.
What money?
The three hundred grand you got from a little dry cleaner named Leo.
I can't believe the way you guys do business out here. I can't believe how fucked up your organization is.
How 'bout I give you to three, then I organize your fuckin' brains all over the wall back there. One...
What, you gonna shoot me now, Bo?
In just a second. Two...
I don't believe this.
Karen? You okay?
That's a nice scream, lady. You oughta be in movies.
Alright, Bo. You can have the money... but it's not here. I have to go get it.
You know Laurel Canyon?
I'll find it.
I'm at 8150 Wonderland Avenue. It's right off Laurel.
Where's Karen?
She's great. Gimme the money.
You broke in my house and I have a witness to it.
Only this time, no John Wayne and Dean Martin shooting the bad guys in El Dorado.
It was Rio Bravo. Robert Mitchum was the drunk in El Dorado, Dean Martin in Rio Bravo, practically the same part. John Wayne, he also did the same thing in both. He played John Wayne.
Man, I can't wait for you to be dead.
Harry, you think we go to see your movies? I've seen better film on teeth. Makes no difference to me which one our money's in. So how 'bout you take our twenty points out of "Freaks" and put 'em in this other one, "Mr. Loverboy".
I can't do it.
You positive about that?
Bo. I'm great. Listen, I'm expecting some people –-
You must be makin' some big deals, doin' lunch in a place like this?
I'm working on a few things.
Yeah, I hear you bagged Martin Weir for Mr. Lovejoy.
Last night. When he called me over to your office to talk about it.
Chili Palmer showed you my script?
Listen, Harry, how would you like to get your hands on five hundred grand? You pay me back at your convenience, no interest.
You serious?
How 'bout another one for Mr. Zimm. A double.
You're gonna just give me five hundred grand?
He was watching Letterman, huh? Sneaky, that Chili Palmer. So, he ever find this dry cleaner, the one with all that money on him?
Assuming I go along with this, when can I have the five hundred?
Whenever you want it. The money's in hundred dollar bills inside one of those jock bags, you know? In a locker at the airport, waiting to be picked up.
The airport.
I don't know.
C-18.
I can hear you, but where the fuck are you, man?
What I been wondering is where's he been.
Okay. Then be good enough to hand us our money back, or you think about us coming in on this new one.
You get to town, you go straight to the bank, raid the limo account.
I'm already in town, but it don't matter. We got dick in the bank. We dumped it all in Harry's movie.
Ray Barboni?
Who is this?
Are you the guy they called Ray Bones?
Depends. Who's this?
Who is this? I'm the one telling you the way it is, okay, asshole? That's who I am. Now you want your three hundred grand or don't you?
What three hundred grand?
Hello? You there?
Yeah, I'm here. I just don't like the anonymous crap. It means your either chickenshit or not for real.
Yeah? Well, trust me. I'm very for real.
Okay. So who are you?
I work for Harry Zimm, alright?
Who?
Harry Zimm. The man happens to be a major Hollywood player.
Never heard of him.
So, what, this Zimm guy asking for some kinda finders fee, that what we're talking about here?
Hey, Zimm doesn't ask for dick. Zimm tells you the way it is... or else.
Or else what?
Where's Leo Devoe? Where's Chili Palmer? Where's my fuckin' money?
What?
Look at me, Ray.
You say look at you?
How'd you get in here?
I told them I was you. I acted stupid and they believed me.
So what brings you to L.A., Bones?
Why would I do that?
I checked the bag at the airport, when I came.
Yeah? Which terminal?
Sovereign.
You found Leo, didn't you? Took the poor asshole's money and put it in a locker, ready to go. Why haven't you left?
Look, there's no reason you and I shouldn't get along. Forget all the bullshit from before -– I don't even remember how it started. You took a swing at me over some fuckin' thing, whatever it was -– forget it. You owe me some money, right? Forget that too. But, you don't say a fuckin' word about this to anybody. It's strictly between you
Who the fuck are you?
Ray Barboni. From Miami.
The man you're steppin' on belongs to me and my partner.
He owes me money.
Get in line, bro.
I don't like waiting.
Tough shit, bro. This ain't Miami. You want something, talk to me.
You a quick draw... 'bro?' You better be, your piece stuck way down in your belt like that.
You live in Miami?
That's right.
What're you doing in Los Angeles?
I'm in the movie business.
You're an investor, is that it?
I'm a producer.
You have a card in here?
Your wife a Lakers fan?
By the way, you recall the number of the locker you used?
It was C... I don't know, sixteen or seventeen, one of those. Why? You looking for anyway, a bomb or something?
Something shouldn't be there.
Why don't you get the attendant to open all the lockers and take a look. Maybe you'll find it.
That's the idea. I'll think about it.
That's what I'd do. Make sure I got the right guy next time.
Anyway, you want this guy, he's in L.A. We put him on a flight after he spanked one a my cocktail girls in the Keno room.
Leo spanked a waitress?
Hey, Chil? Since you're goin' out to L.A. anyway.
What've you got?
Guy owes us a hundred and fifty grand, sixty days over; a movie producer.
Jesus, if I have a heart attack, I hope you know what to do.
Have we met? I don't recall.
Did you stop to think what if I had a heart attack?
I'm looking at you.
I want you to keep looking right here, okay?
That's what I'm doing.
You know Dick Allen, Mesa's Casino?
Dick Allen's a very dear friend of mine. How far you want to go with this?
Operator, how do I get Las Vegas Information?
A marker's like a check, Harry.
I know what a marker is.
You're not looking at me, Harry.
Why do I have to keep looking at you?
I want you to.
You gonna get rough now, threaten me? I make good by tomorrow or get my legs broken?
Come on, Harry -– Mesas? The worst they might do is get a judgment against you, uttering a bad check. I can't imagine you want that to happen, man in your position.
You make movies, huh?
Karen, say hello to Chili Palmer. Chili, this is Karen Flores.
You want to hear this idea? It's about a dry cleaner who scams an airline out of three hundred grand. Go on, tell her.
You just did.
It's the kind of situation, you don't pay, you get your legs broken.
Without him. The guy's so out of it he doesn't even know it's gone.
Keep going.
So he comes to L.A...
That's it? That's your movie?
I said I had an idea, that's all.
That's half a movie, with holes in it. Maybe forty minutes of screen time. You don't even have a girl, a female lead, and on top of that, there's no one to sympathize with, you don't have a good guy.
The shylock's the good guy.
Part of it, yeah.
Wait a minute, you're not the guy, are you? The dry cleaner?
You mean, Leo?
You wouldn't be talking to me if you were.
I'm not the guy, Harry.
But you work for the casino?
I'm out here looking for Leo. I just looked you up as a favor to your dear friend, Dick Allen.
Is that right, that's what you do for a living?
I imagine in your line of work, there were times you had to get rough, you know, say one of your customers stopped paying.
You pack a gun?
Not really.
What does that mean?
Maybe a few times I have.
Ever shot anybody.
Once.
Really? You ever been arrested?
I've been picked up a couple times. Loan sharking. Racketeering. But I was never convicted. I'm clean.
These guys, my investors, they run a limo service, came to me originally, put money in a few of my pictures and did okay, they're happy. So they come in on another deal -– this was back a few months ago when I was planning what would be my next picture, about this band of killer circus freaks that travel around the country leaving
You're trying to tell me how you fucked up without sounding stupid, and that's hard to do. Let's just get to where you're at, okay? You blew the two hundred grand the limo guys gave you in Vegas on a basketball game and you haven't told 'em about it. Why not?
Because they're not the type of guys would take it with any degree of understanding or restraint. The first thing they'd do is break my legs.
You got that on the brain, Harry. If you're so scared of 'em why'd you take their money to Vegas to begin with?
Because I need half a million to buy a script.
For a movie?
A blockbuster. But quality. No mutants or maniacs. This one's gonna be my "Driving Miss Daisy".
What's it called?
"Mr. Lovejoy".
"Mr. Lovejoy"? That's the title?
Murray Saffrin, guy who wrote it, did all my Grotesque pictures, had it in a drawer for twenty years. He shows it to me one day, tells me he's got a star interested, would I produce it.
Two time academy award nominee, Martin Weir.
Martin Weir. He played the mob guy that turned snitch in "The Cyclone".
One of his best parts.
No, his best part was the cripple gay guy that climbed Mt. Whitney.
She looks familiar.
Anyway, Murray has this shrink, who also happens to be Martin's personal trainer's shrink. Murray gives the shrink the script and the shrink gives it to Martin's trainer who reads it to Martin while they work out, and Martin flips. Loves it.
So what's the problem?
The problem is Murray. He and a few other blocked screenwriters went river rafting down the Kern a few weeks ago. Murray never made it back.
He drown?
Doris, Murray's widow, finds out about this Martin Weir thing and says since Murray and I never had any written contract, she wants five hundred grand for the script.
So you're thinking what if I was to put you next to my dry cleaner. Ask him if he wants to invest his money in a movie.
That, or I'm thinking what if some tragic accident were to befall the widow Saffrin -–
I'm not gonna pop her, Harry.
Just a thought.
But I could talk to the limo guys. Tell 'em to leave you alone for a while. Make the point in a way they'd understand it.
You don't even know these guys.
Harry, I probably know 'em better than you do.
What do you get out of this?
Lovejoy sits behind the wheel, watching the bar across the street, getting his video camera ready for action... What's he doing? Following a guy?
No leave 'em up, we want the light in their eyes. I'll be at the desk... but don't introduce me, let it go, just start talking. You're gonna be here, behind 'em when they sit down.
They'll be looking at you. They don't know who you are.
You don't say any more'n you have to. You say, 'Well, I'm glad you assholes stopped by, so I can set you straight.'
What?
I don't know, maybe I wasn't clear. But I thought... I told you to keep your mouth shut.
I had to tell 'em something.
You tell me you want these guys off your back. Next thing I know, you're saying yeah, maybe they can have a piece of Mr. Lovejoy. I couldn't believe my fuckin' ears.
I said I'd think about it. What does that mean? In this town, nothing.
That's the difference between you and me, Harry. I say what I mean. I want something from someone, I ask 'em straight out. I want Martin Weir, I go get Martin Weir. I don't fuck around with his trainer's shrink.
How's anyone gonna see anything from way up there?
Hey, Harry.
Here's your keys, Harry.
Is he giving you a check or cash?
Okay, Harry, I'm wrong. You're not the one he's setting up.
Really.
Yeah, he wants us to talk to Buddy, set up a meeting.
So how 'bout it, Mr. Selznick, do I make my deal with Bo? Or you gonna finally help me out, have a word with your dry cleaner when you find him.
Forget about Leo's money, Harry.
You have it?
Harry, if I gave you Leo's money you'd have Ray Bones all over your ass and then you'd be in a whole new kinda trouble.
Who?
Ray Barboni. Guy from Miami, owns Leo now that Momo died.
Who the fuck is Momo? Jesus, these fucking names...
Maybe I oughta talk to this Ray Bones character myself. See if he wants to invest in my movie.
You cut straight hair in this place, or just fags?
You got a miss. Leo Devoe. Guy's six weeks over.
He died.
Yeah, he told me.
Personally?
Yeah, Ray, he personally told me he got killed in that Get Away Airlines' jet went down last month.
What Get Away jet?
It was in the Herald.
Yeah, well, maybe the guy took out flight insurance. Check with the wife.
Which also means when I speak, I'm speakin' for Jimmy. So e.g. as of now, you start affording me the proper respect.
'E.g.' means 'for example', Ray. I think what you wanna say is 'i.e.'
Bullshit. E.g. is short for 'ergo'.
You owe me the dry cleaner's fifteen grand plus the juice which is what another, uhh...
Twenty seven hundred.
Yeah. That was a good party.
You know, Marty, you were good in The Cyclone.
Well, you had it down cold. Watching you in the movie, if I didn't know better I'd have to believe you were a made guy and not acting. Even the fink part. I never met a fink and I hope to God I never do, but how you did it must be the way finks act.
A few weeks before shooting, I went back to Bensonhurst, just to listen to you guys. See, I'm Italian, but I grew up in Tarzana. So I wanted to pick up your rhythms of speech.
We talk different?
It's more like your attitude. Your tone, your speech patterns demonstrate a certain confidence in yourselves, in your opinions, your indifference to conventional views.
You mean like we don't give a shit.
So you don't know what I'm thinking.
No, I don't. Though I have to say I'm curious.
So you want to know.
If you'd like to tell me, yeah.
I'm thinking of a movie.
One of mine?
One we're producing.
Martin, I'm not connected to those people anymore. Not since I walked out of a loanshark Operation in Miami.
What happened? The pressure got to you?
Guy owes me fifteen large and takes off, I go after him. The fuck you think I do?
Martin, look at me.
No, I want you to look at me the way I'm looking at you. Put it in your eyes, 'You're mine, asshole,' without saying it.
Like this?
What you're telling me, you're tired? You wanna go to bed?
Wait. How about this?
How about this?
That's not bad.
That's what I think of you, asshole. Nothing.
I believe it.
I turn it on when I confront the guy.
Yeah, but you haven't found him yet. The guy took off for Las Vegas.
The wife sues the airline. This is a gutsy babe.
So when do I meet up with the husband and give him the look?
It's not that simple. You have to be careful. There's another guy that comes along, a hard-on you owe some money to. A mob guy. Wants to take you out anyway, on account of a past situation.
At that point, basically, that has to be it.
Lemme talk to Buddy, set up a meeting.
Very nice...
Yeah, I like it, I'm high up, I can see everything, you know? It's the Cadillac of minivans.
What's that?
Compass.
Whatta you think, Chill?
I wouldn't think you're that dumb, leave over three hundred grand in the closet, underneath the extra blanket, but I guess you are.
I didn't know where else to keep it. Where would you?
You're here a while, what's wrong with a bank?
They report it to the IRS.
You've been losing.
I'm up twelve grand today.
From when? You left Vegas with four- fifty?
Who told you that?
Now you're down to three-ten in the case. You must've cooled off quite a bit since you got here.
How'd you know I was here?
It was Fay, wasn't it, told you about the money. She tell you my whole life history, for Christ's sake?
I wouldn't let her if she tried. Why I'm here, Leo, basically, is to save your ass.
How? By taking my money?
You can keep what you won today. That's yours.
It's all mine.
You take all my money, but you're borrowing part of it?
But you won't know where I am. I don't even know where I'll be.
It's not one of these?
You see a black leather jacket, fingertip length, like the one Pacino wore in Serpico? You don't, you owe me three seventy-nine.
We call you a taxi.
Lemme get this straight. You aren't responsible for any lost articles like an expensive coat of mine, but you're gonna find Ray Bones' coat or get him a new one? Is that what you're telling me?
Mr. Barboni is a good customer. Works for Jimmy Capp.
The door from the patio, in back.
You broke in?
No, it was open. It wasn't locked.
Well, basically, this guy owes a shylock fifteen thousand, plus he's a few weeks behind on the vig, the interest you have to pay.
The interest is four hundred and fifty dollars a week on fifteen thousand?
That's right. Three percent.
But a week. That's a hundred and fifty percent a year.
A hundred and fifty-six. Some'll charge you more'n that, go as high as six for five on a short-term loan. So three a week's not too bad.
A couple days ago by, people from the airliner come to see his wife, tell her how sorry they are and all that their plane exploded and offer her a settlement, the amount based on what he would've earned operating the dry cleaner's the rest of his life. Leo had some kind of trouble with his kidneys, so they were giving him about ten
Hey... Karen. How ya' doin'?
What're you doing here?
I wanted to come by, apologize for coming into your house like I did last night.
Lemme get this straight, you broke in again to apologize for breaking in before?
No, no... you left the patio door open. You gotta stop doin' that, all the nice things you got around here.
Yeah, well make sure you lock it on the way out.
Rough day on the set?
I spent all day crawling out of a grave. The costumer kept bitching 'cause I was ripping my nylons –-
Ripped nylons work. Makes the shot more real.
...That's what we finally decided.
You saw that one?
Yeah. When you turn to the camera to tell the alien mother that her time on earth is finished... when you give us all that look, Joan Crawford wishes on her best day she had that much presence. Not even in "Mildred Pierce" -– which by the way was a better book than a movie -– did Crawford even touch the intensity you had
Yeah... that was a good scene. I mean, for a horror movie.
For any movie.
I know I'm better than what I've been doing the last ten years, walking around in a tank top and fuck-me pumps, waiting till it's time to scream.
Man, can you scream.
Yeah. It's a real gift. I'm just saying it'd be nice, one time in my career to get the chance to say one great line. You know, like in that Bette Davis picture, "Cabin in the..."
"Cotton".
How come you stopped making movies with Harry?
I married Martin. That was a full- time job.
You read Harry's new one? He says it's the best thing he's ever read.
He must mean after "Slime Creature 3".
That why Harry came over last night? See if you could help him get Martin in his movie?
Harry's dreaming of a forty-million- dollar production he'll never get off the ground with a star he'll never sign. With or without my help.
Harry told me Martin loves it, he flipped.
Yeah, well Martin is known for his flipping. He flips over a script, and when the time comes to make a deal, he flips out.
Tell you what, I'll stop by Harry's office and pick up a copy for you.
Well, I gotta have a talk with Leo, my runaway dry cleaner.
Right. See how your story ends.
You been here the whole time?
I got you a copy of the script.
I already read it. Harry left a copy at the house.
I think it's not horrible.
I don't like the title. Or the main guy's name.
Then you've read it?
Not yet.
You and Harry'll make a great team. I'm gonna make a deal with him.
There a part in it for you?
I don't want to act in it, I want to produce it with Harry. Especially if I help him get Martin.
Sounds fair.
That why you came over here, to ask me that?
I want to know.
Why does anyone want to be in movies?
I was never much into it. All that bullshit having to do with respect. It's bad enough having to treat those guys like they're your heroes, having to smile when they make some stupid remark they think's real funny.
And you think the movie business is any different?
This thing's actually accurate. I bought it for ten bucks from a kid in a lawn chair on Sunset...
Well actually, Martin the movie we came to talk about is Mr. Lovejoy.
A locker at the airport? Jesus Christ, Harry. Tell me you're not really that stupid.
That was Martin. He wants to have lunch tomorrow. That is, if you can make it.
Depends, who pays?
How'd you meet Martin anyway?
Not unlike the way Nicki met him. Except it was a wrap party. Why?
I don't know, I'm just havin' some trouble seeing you two together.
You don't like Martin much, do you?
Oh, I like him. I just think he's... short. I mean, he's a good actor and all, but I'm wondering what it was exactly you saw in Marty.
So what about your story. You thought of a title yet?
How 'bout Get Shorty? Except that isn't a movie. That's real life.
How 'bout Chili's Hollywood Adventure.
Yeah?
Yeah. There's a girl in it now.
I think you could be an actor. I know you're acting sometimes, but you don't show it.
You thought I was faking?
No. I don't mean that. I just meant in general.
You don't mean a movie star? More like a character actor?
I mean I could see myself in movies Robert De Niro had been in. Or I could maybe do an Al Pacino movie, play a hard-on. But I couldn't see myself in ones, like say the one where the three guys get stuck with a baby. They don't know how to take care of it and you see these big grown-up assholes acting cute
Harry... My God...
What kinda food they serve at this Ivy place anyway?
Why not?
Harry, what're you doing? You're supposed to be in the hospital.
You sure?
He's doing the same thing you did to him, playing Letterman on TV.
It's not Dave. It's a movie.
Are you going down?
I don't know.
You're as bad as Harry...
You okay?
Karen! What the fuck are you doing?!
Were you scared up there?
You bet.
You don't act like it?
I'll be right back.
What took you so long?
They're closing the Granview. You know, theater down on Biscayne?
Yeah, the guy owes Momo a few G's.
Momo could buy it, I could run it for him. Show some Cagney films.
You sure it was Ray Bones took the coat?
That's what the guy said.
Hey, Chili. Get your coat, but don't piss the guy off, okay? It could get complicated and we'd have to call Momo to straighten it out. Then Momo gets pissed for wasting his time and we don't need that.
No, I said I'm never goin' to bed. There's a difference. See, the article says most people die in their beds. I figure long as I stay outta bed, I'm safe.
That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. Where do you sleep?
I told you not to -–
I hate to say I told you, but I did. I told you don't start nothing with him that time.
You said don't say nothing and I didn't.
No, you just broke his fuckin' nose instead.
You gonna start that again? You're just like him, all you got room for in your brain is one fuckin' thing.
All I know is he came by the barber shop, all fuckin' undone, wanting to know where you were staying in Vegas. I told him I don't know. I still don't.
How'd he know I was in Vegas? You tell him?
He already knew it.
Yeah, well, I'm in L.A. now.
Whatta you doing out there?
I'm going into the movie business.
What're you talking about? You wanna be a movie star?
I'm thinking about producing.
How you gonna do that? You don't know shit about making movies.
I don't think the producer has to do much, outside of maybe knowing a writer.
Yeah, but whose point of view?
Whatta you mean, whose point of view; The audience's point of view.
All these camera moves and weird angles and shit are gonna distance us from the emotion of the scene.
What 'emotion'? Girl just got stabbed in the ear with an ice pick.
Yeah? What three words, Harry?
Pick 'n' Save.
Hm?
So Mildred says to the cashier, 'I saw the new Streisand picture.' 'God, I just love it at the end when she brushed Robert Redford's hair off his forehead the way she did when they were together, and the way they gave each other this look that said they still loved each other, but knew they couldn't be together. That look was so... romantic.'
That's great, Harry. So what's the --
Hello, Doris.
Well, aren't you gonna offer me whatever it is you taste like?
What a spectacular view.
I miss Murray, Harry.
Yeah, me too. He was a helluva good writer. And I would know. I discovered him. Made him what he was.
I'm not sure how I feel about this, Doris.
You seem to feel fine about it.
I mean morally. Murray was my friend.
So this means you've reconsidered our deal on Mr. Lovejoy?
No. But now that you mention it, I did talk to a handsome executive at Paramount the other day... who just happened to get his hands on the script.
Yeah, what'd he have to say?
He said if Martin's interested, I could get a half a million for it easy. But don't worry, Harry, I'm still giving you until Friday.
What's wrong?
Be quiet and listen.
When I came upstairs, you stayed to finish your drink. I told you to turn off the TV when you were through. Come to think of it, I also told you you could sleep in the maid's room.
Yeah, well I turned off the set. I used the remote control thing and laid it on the floor. You know what could've happened? The dog came in and stepped on it, turned the TV back on.
I don't have a dog.
You don't? What happened to Muff?
Anyone skim the pool? It needs it.
Harry -–
How did you get in the house?
He's telling me an idea for a movie. It's not bad so far. Sit down, have a drink. Tell Karen, let's see what she thinks.
That Miami flight that went down, it was on the news every day for about a week. Harry must've been busy.
With your experience, you could always become an agent. Right, Harry?
Yeah, that's what we need. More agents.
Well. I got an audition tomorrow.
What I'm saying, Harry, is I want you and your new buddy to get out of my house.
Harry, what're you still doing with those guys?
Harry, we spoke with Martin.
'We?'
Harry -–
Which two?
Once their lives are in danger and you have the mob guy coming after them, it not only heightens the tension, it adds a wistful element to their love.
I have to run. But what I hope to see, they begin to have misgivings about wanting the money. It becomes their moral dilemma and they try to rationalize keeping it, but in the end they can't. Can they?
What money?
The three hundred large. What other money is there? I should keep quiet, I know, till I've read the script, but I've got a feeling about this one. I'm that shylock.
Karen. Wow. Look at you...
I'm sitting here, I'm looking at you and I'm having these flashes. You know, flashbacks, of memories. Of us.
Really.
Yeah and I'm wondering, how did it go wrong? How did it all... slip away?
Oh, for Christ's sake –-
Lufkin. His... agent.
Yeah, Karen knows him.
But you are interested?
Hi, sweetface. You look great. And mmmmm, you smell good, too.
I have to consider, I mean, as the mob guy, this is another man's wife I'm sleeping with.
Arctic Warrior, Arctic Warrior, Arctic Warrior. This is United States Coastguard Station North Island. Over.
North Island, I wish to declare myself salvor-in-posession under section four two charlie of the International Maritime Convention.
Affirmative, Arctic Warrior. What type of vessel?
A passenger liner. Over.
A passenger liner, north island. Over.
What is the vessel name, registry, and present position? Over.
Passenger vessel "Chimera." I will spell: charlie hotel india mary echo romeo alpha. No registry information is available at this time. I have determined to the best of my ability that the vessel has been abandoned on the high seas at position one seven four west, five seven north at... Two zero one four hours zulu time. Over.
Affirmative, Arctic Warrior. Please advise your salvage authority pending registry check. Over.
North Island, please repeat? Over.
North Island, have you got any additional information? Over.
Roger, North Island. I am tied to the passenger vessel Chimera. And she is afloat. Repeat, she is afloat. Over.
Roger, Arctic Warrior. I say again, our records indicate the passenger vessel Chimera was lost at sea. Over.
Roger, North Island. Please advise pending further information. Over.
Arctic Warrior, Arctic Warrior, Arctic Warrior. This is United States Coastguard Station North Island. Your radio check is affirmative. Over.
Hear that, Dodge? Epps don't think it's a problem.
Looks like Epps' gonna get some tonight.
Hypothetically speaking, what if we get this boat to Sitka and find out somebody wants it back?
They shoulda thought of that when they let her float away.
You think the extra strain caused it?
How about now?
Sixty pounds.
What? You sure?
That's what it says.
Are you crazy? Do you realize we got ourselves a ship? We own a ship, Dodge.
Fucker!
Take it easy, Dodge. It's only a piece of metal.
Damn mind of it's own.
One minute I'm minding my own business, the next thing I know the whole place is burning up. An oxygen tank must've blown on the welder. Started an oil fire.
What's so great about Sweden?
Yeah, but not as cold as those Swedish girls you only gonna dream about.
Where's his boat, then? Where's his crew? He ain't gonna be out here by himself, that's for damn sure.
Let's not be too hasty.
I need lag bolts, especially one inch standard. And sheet metal. Preferably steel, about a sixteenth of an inch. Aluminium, even tin'll do.
I ain't no mechanic, just so you know.
What day is it?
I don't know. Tuesday?
When they find out what it's carrying, they may not be so interested in what's legal.
The turbine blew.
You'd think on a ship this size there'd be something left to eat.
Where from?
One more?
What is your first name?
What?
Maureen.
What?
Maureen.
Roger.
Roger?
You think that's funny
Probably slipped her moorings, got tangled up in a current.
Out here? What, so a seven hundred foot passenger liner drifted out of Spokane harbor and nobody managed to bump into her until now?
Seeing as though a foot of one of these fuckers weighs about a hundred pounds, it ain't gonna be what you'd call easy. Any questions?
Supposing one of those cables breaks under tow.
Ready?
Nobody just scuttles a passenger liner either.
If this thing turns out to be a ship everybody thought sank a long time ago, we just hit the jackpot.
Last thing we want is extra partners.
This's gonna hurt a little.
What other choices have we got?
Guess I'll just keep working.
What're you crazy?
Light in those passages ain't so good.
Maybe that is his boat.
Fifty million dollars. Fifty million. We gonna let this guy just take it from us? One guy?
So we kill him?
One guy isn't gonna be so stupid.
Pretty handy with that scatter gun, Epps. You raised on a farm?
Smokes?
I'm no doctor. But I'd say he's in a coma.
A what?
I don't know what else you'd call it. He's breathing on his own, but his pupils are completely blown out. He's totally unresponsive to pain. What happened up there?
Other than the obvious, there's nothing wrong with him that I can see, not on the outside.
Try Wednesday.
Did you?
What say, Epps? You up for some roasted albatross?
Dodge. Dodge.
What?
Get up.
You aren't jealous, are you Dodge?
What the hell would a freighter be doing up here? It's way out of the lanes. There's not a port for 800 miles.
Yeah, from one side of the harbor to the other. But we got half the Bering Sea and the whole Alaskan gulf to drag her over.
You have any idea how much a ship like that could be worth in salvage? The fittings alone could go for a few million.
If you get it back in one piece.
It's a bloody navigation hazard. One boat can't control a ship that size.
With a little extra fuel, weather permitting, we should make Sitka in five days without another stop.
Mother fucker!
What is it?
The number one turbine's pretty well trashed. Number two runs, but it's way underpowered.
How long to fix?
What's this?
Turbine rotor's shot.
I thought you said it was just a blade.
Metal's crystallized. Gotta replace the whole deal.
How much longer's that gonna take?
Like I always say --
I know I know, two ways to do anything --
The right way and the wrong way.
But how long?
Hard to say.
We gotta get outa here, Dodge. A storm blows up and we're history.
I'm telling you, you don't want to be running that fan like it is.
What about running number two by itself?
It's a full 2500 horses down. We couldn't drag that boat down hill on ice with it.
How long, then?
I gotta pull the blades and re-seat everything in a new rotor -- .
How long?
Three, four days.
Goddamit, Dodge.
Obviously it's some kind of screw up. The shipping records aren't a hundred percent accurate.
Went aboard.
It's a hell of a lot of money.
What, you think there's something funny about it?
Didn't happen yesterday, I'll tell you that. Torn parts rusted bad as the rest of the boat.
Or somebody stopped them.
So what're we gonna do. That's the big question, right?
A salvage claim to a vessel's cargo's as valid as a claim to the vessel itself. It's ours.
Then we're rich. We're damn, filthy stinking rich.
You gotta be kidding? What the hell we need that tub for, we got fifty million bucks?
Yeah, yeah. I'm on it.
I'm buyin' me a nice outrigger. Spend my time hauling rich Seattle business men through the Puget.
Dreamin's all any of you're gonna be doing if we don't get this boat running.
Sounds like the hull.
If somebody's aboard her already, she ain't ours. She's theirs.
Bullshit. That boat hasn't made steam for fifty years. We found her. She's ours.
I say fuck the motherfucker. We're a professional salvage crew going about our business. What's some yahoo doing way out here by himself anyway?
And what do you propose? That we knock this guy off?
What if that fucker finds it before we're ready to go?
If he's reasonable, maybe we can make some kind of deal. If not. We'll have to re-consider our options.
Bodies're too fresh.
Damn barbaric is what it is.
That'd be my guess.
Can't you use something else?
I might be able to find something on the ship. But it's gonna take time.
Do what you need to do. Just do it fast.
Dodge to Murphy.
Murphy.
You better get down here quick, skipper. I'm on "C" deck. Cabin 400.
What is it?
It was a man's voice. Repeating some sort of children's rhyme. I don't know, it didn't make any sense. You didn't hear it?
On a passenger ship in 1953?
So. I got a question. Just from a, you know, purely technical standpoint. We call the Coastguard. Coastguard shows up. What exactly is the plan?
How do you mean?
Well, they're gonna be asking a lot of questions. About us. About those bodies. About the gold. Seems like we oughta be prepared is all.
I guess the best strategy's just to tell them the truth.
Yeah, well. The truth is one thing. When there's more than a few hundred million dollars involved, that's a whole new deal.
What do you propose?
There's no way we're gonna hide a few thousand pounds of gold from the Coastguard here. Besides, it'll be safer where it is.
Just what the hell do you think you're doing?!
I don't know what you're talking about?
I think you know.
The radio!
Take it easy, willya? What about the radio?!
You smashed it!
What?!
Don't lie to me!
What the fuck -- ?
You didn't want us calling anybody. Too liable to ruin your big payday.
I didn't touch the fucking radio! Ever occur to you there's somebody else on that boat, skipper?
Conveniently enough for you.
Yeah.
What the hell happened!
That oughta buy a man pretty much anything he wants.
If money can buy what he wants.
I don't figure there's much I want money can't buy.
We'll stand the watch on deck tonight. You're up first.
Tomorrow we'll see if we can't find some line and tackle. Use some of those bodies below decks for bait.
You're late.
Sorry.
Don't fall asleep.
What's slow?
Morning everybody.
Show your tatoos to that coxswain last night, did you Epps?
Showed him a hell of a lot more than that.
Could be a fishing boat.
Looks like one hell of a stick up his ass.
You mean, before she sank.
Then why didn't they take it.
Two hundred twenty two kilograms of solid gold.
That's what I call a payday.
That's a good thing?
What'd he look like?
Coffee.
Stay away. Or else.
Any dizziness?
No.
Headache, nausea, lights?
Lights?
Sudden flashes of light.
I don't even want to know what that's gonna taste like now.
You okay?
Yeah. Fine. I just thought I heard something is all.
What?
I can't believe you. Dodge's dead and all you can think about is cashing in your share.
Candy?
Go on.
The law's on our side. If they want to challenge it, let them try.
Coffee?
What'd you find up there?
Some charts. A crew manifest. Looks like her last voyage was January 1953. The question is where the hell's she been since.
She was sailing up north, right?
Her destination was Halifax, yeah.
Ever heard of the Mary Celeste?
Nope.
She was a two-masted brig boat sailing out of New York in 1872. One day she was sighted off the coast of Portugal by a merchant vessel, the Dei Gratia. As the crew of the Dei Gratia got closer, they discovered that no one was at the helm of the Mary Celeste. On boarding, they found her completely deserted. The captain, his wife, their
So what did happen?
Nobody knows. There've been a lot of theories, of course. But we'll never really know for sure.
I think we'd be surprised where a drifting ship might wind up with a little wind and the right current.
You're more practical than superstitious.
Maybe they didn't want it back. Maybe the whole fat deal was insured.
Why not call for help?
Take it easy, you'll live longer.
Did you see him?
Who?
The guy. He just came this way.
What guy?
There's somebody else on this boat.
What? What the hell're you talking about.
I saw him. Just a minute ago. Some guy.
Are you sure?
Of course I'm sure. I saw him.
You sure it wasn't me?
So, we find this guy and make a deal with him.
Guess that'd be me. Again.
No cowboy shit up there, understand?
Got your light?
Murphy to Epps.
Epps.
You just shoot at something?
Just before I heard him yell there was somebody on the radio.
Greer?
He needs a doctor.
How's he doing?
Same. Any luck?
They're dead in the water that morning. Four hours later the captain's relieved of his command. And that evening they issue a general SOS.
You're saying they mutinied for the gold?
If they were close enough to shore, they probably figured they could get away in the lifeboats.
The ah... the radio's out.
What?
Smashed it up pretty bad.
"The crew have gone mad with greed and fight among themselves like wild dogs over fresh kill."
February first.
The same day she supposedly went down.
"Their lacking diligence has undoubtedly caused the collision. Distress calls have been made."
Collision? With what?
The page's missing. Then their SOS was real.
But where's the damage?
Maybe the other ship took the worst of it.
It's a good bet they'll be asking a lot of questions when they get here too.
It's not gonna hold us.
Hey.
Hey.
Couldn't sleep.
What do you think happened on this boat?
I guess that's the sixty four thousand dollar question, isn't it?
The what?
Never mind. Before your time. I think at least some of the crew went a little nuts. The usual stuff that happens when people stumble on a fortune. Equal parts greed and paranoia, usually resulting in homicide. What happened after that is anybody's guess. But, judging by our Greek friends down below, it doesn't look like the last time.
Are we smart enough to avoid that?
When you found me yesterday, at the pool. I'd seen... something. Someone.
Not our mystery guest again.
What, like some kind of ghost?
Maybe hallucination is the wrong word. It was more than that. As though they were showing me.
Showing you what?
What happened.
Maybe it was one of them did the handy work on those Greeks.
No. I think they are, were, just passengers. Innocent victims.
Victims of what?
Something bad happened here, Murphy.
That much I think we've already established.
She said the ship was evil. That we had to leave right away. That if we didn't, we might never leave.
What's that supposed to mean?
Why you? How come the rest of us haven't seen these people?
Murphy to Epps.
Epps, over.
Nope.
Epps? You there?
What do we do with him?
What do you think?
Could be a stroke. Who knows? The general log said the crew were fighting among themselves. "Like wild dogs."
Over the gold.
They went crazy.
Hard to say which is worse, staying here or taking our chances in open water.
If the weather holds it might not be so bad.
What happened?
We hit land.
What?
We're in an island chain. It's only a matter of time before we hit another one.
You killed them.
It was only a matter of time before somebody killed somebody. You saw it coming as well as I did. Dodge had his plans, starting with scuttling the boat. And Greer too, except he went nuts. Couldn't take it, I guess. Could've happened in the middle of downtown Anchorage. But did it make him any less dangerous? I don't think so.
So you killed them?
The way I figure it, it was them or me. I thought putting Dodge up on that pipe was a nice touch? Bought a little time. Made it look like whoever killed those Greeks was still around. But it's just us on this ship. Us and your... spirit friends.
And now you're gonna kill me, is that it?
I didn't want it to turn out this way.
Murphy, don't you see what's happening?
I think I see it pretty well.
It's the ship. The ship's making you think this way.
I know a little bit about human nature and what I've seen only confirms that.
It's a trap. There was no way we were gonna get away with that gold. Nobody ever does. It's just the bait. This ship sucks people in and it never lets them out.
I think maybe you been on this boat a little too long, with all that supernatural mumbo jumbo. There's nothing supernatural about greed. And that's what it comes down to, pure and simple.
I don't give a damn about the gold.
Greer to Murphy.
The number nine on the starboard side's half flooded. Epps says it's a slow leak just under the waterline, about twenty gallons an hour. They must've pumped it before we left Sitka.
Of course they did.
Let the buyer beware.
Not bad for dragging a leaky tub half way to Russia.
He'll sell the scrap for three times what he paid.
I must be in the wrong business.
You got that right.
Red sky at night, sailor's delight.
Yeah.
I been watching it for close to an hour and it hasn't moved. I can't raise it on the radio either. Makes me think it might be in trouble.
Too deep to anchor out there.
Call the Coastguard?
It's funny.
How's that?
Murphy, goddamit.
Whatever the reason, she's adrift and abandoned. We've got every right to salvage her.
You mean tow her back? That's a thirty thousand ton ship you're talking about.
All we got to do is hit some rough weather and you can forget about it.
Some classy tub in it's day, huh?
Morning.
You're up late.
How much you figure that's worth, skipper?
Hard to say. Maybe forty, fifty million.
If they thought it was lost at sea, they probably just wrote it off.
So what? We gonna unload the gold and get a move on?
Yeah, but we still gotta haul that big piece of shit all the way back to Sitka.
I heard that.
What now?
We could call for help.
Fifty million four ways. That's twelve million and change a piece. What you gonna do with your share, skipper?
Greer?
I don't know.
Let's just take it easy here, alright? Nobody's gonna kill anybody.
I say we off-load some of that gold now.
Pretty low all around.
Ho-ly shit.
Greek citizen. Merchant navy. Obviously we aren't the first to come across this ship. They probably stumbled across it just like we did.
Maybe Epps's mystery man had something to do with it.
Never been more thirsty in my life.
How're you feeling?
What happened?
You don't remember?
Last thing I remember I was aboard the Chimera. Down somewhere in there scavenging around.
You've been out for about a day.
Say what?
Oh, man.
We heard you scream. Any idea what you might've seen?
We're not gonna be able to pump it!
We ain't exactly in what you'd call your high traffic neighborhood either.
Gettin' a little hot under the collar, I'd say.
Shut up.
It's a Noaa buoy.
A what?
We're still drifting.
He took the shotgun and a light.
Can't find the shotgun.
So whoever did this now has our shotgun.
What about the gold?
Leave it.
Now hold up just a minute. Let's be reasonable here.
You think whoever did this is reasonable?
Nobody's going anywhere with that gold now. Anybody tries to board, we'll know about it. You can do what you want, Greer. But neither of us is gonna risk saving your ass down here if it comes to that.
What seems to be the trouble, ladies?
As I said, what seems to be the trouble?
Didn't you hear me, grandpa? Or you got your hearing aid turned down?
These ladies was having themselves a discussion and you're interrupting it.
You got about two seconds to get your paws off me, Tarzan.
I thought you say Tuesday.
Better late than never.
What's this?
You got a leak in the number nine compartment.
No, no. You got leak.
You pump it out and re-seam the hull, she'll be good as new.
That cost me twenty grand at least.
Fifteen, at the most.
You're kidding, right?
Have you seen my blue spatula?
Nope. What are you making, pancakes?
Will you get off my back for once?
It's tough to find a good job without any kind of training.
Look, I told you I'm not going to college.
Well, I think it's good to keep all your options open. You can always enroll for the winter quarter. You could even live here and go to the city college part time, and still get a job if you wanted to.
Did I tell you who I ran into at the bagel place?
Who?
Guess.
How should I know?
Someone from the past.
Who?
Give up?
YES.
Maxine.
Not the Maxine?
Yup.
Hi. Look, I'm kind of tired - I think I'll go to bed.
I made spaghetti. Do you want some?
I have some good news for you, Pumpkin.
What is it now?
Are you still looking for a job?
I guess.
Well, Maxine thinks she can get you a sales job at Computer Station. Normally you have to have references and at least two years of experience, but she thinks she can convince them.
Pumpkin? What's wrong?
It's nothing -- it's just some hormonal thing... don't worry about it...
I've got some important news to tell you, but it can wait till later if you're not feeling...
What?
Pumpkin, are you in there?
Are you going to yell at me?
About what?
Yeah, I heard about that.
I was in a horrible mood - tell her not to worry, I'll be completely out of her life in a few days.
She understands what you're going through and she really wants to help you. She says that job at Computer Station is still available if you want it.
I-I'm not sure... yeah, maybe.
Actually, I was just checking to see if you were here - your friend Seymour is on his way up.
What do you mean "on his way up"!?
What's wrong with you?! Tell him I'm not here!
But I can't --
That was great - jeez, thanks again for cooking all this.
Here we are... it's mocha mint from Lickety Splits. Oh, isn't that photograph just heart-rending?
Yeah ... where is this? Bosnia?
Was it Bosnia? I forget... It's so sad, the tragedy of an entire country eloquently captured in the face of one little boy. A Soul/Funk song starts up on the radio that catches her attention. She goes over and turns it up.
Oh, I just love this song! Isn't it great? Doesn't it make you want to dance? C'mon!
Uh, well, that's okay - I don't dance, heh, heh...
Don't be silly, anyone can dance. Here, just follow me... watch my feet.
Hey, it's nearly nine already - we're gonna have to leave now if we're going to make that movie.
I'm so excited to see this film - Dustoffvarnya is such a brilliant director! Did you see his last film, The Flower That Drank The Moon? It was simply glorious!
Uh, no. I missed that one. But what do I know? I like Laurel and Hardy movies.
Seymour?... uh... hello... I guess I'm a little early...
Dana! Hi! Uh, Dana... this is Enid...
Seymour! Hello! What are you doing here?
Oh -- please - don't let me interrupt finish your phone call.
Hey... so, what brings you down here?
I uh... I feel that I need to uh -- there's something I feel I have to say... I uh, I've never said this to anyone before -- believe me, I've stayed in horrible relationships for years just so I wouldn't have to do this, but I uh...
What are you trying to say?
I-I honestly never intended for this to happen...
Please tell me it isn't that teenager!
Enid and I were just friends. You know... we feel comfortable around each other... she really likes my old records and...
And what can you tell us about this...
Who is this, Enid?
It's supposed to be Don Knotts.
And what was your reason for choosing him as your subject?
I dunno... I just like Don Knotts.
These are all valid comments, but I think we should see if the artist has anything to bring to this.
Well, I got the idea when I was doing some research and I discovered that Cook's Chicken used to be called Coon's Chicken, and so I decided to do my project based on this discovery as kind of a comment on racism... and the way racism is whitewashed over in our culture...
Did you actually do this painting?
Well, no - it's more like a "found art object."
And how do you think this addresses the subject of racism?
It's complicated... I guess I'm trying to show how racism used to -- more out in the open and now it's hidden, or something...
And how does an image like this help us to see that?
Enid, can I talk to you for a minute?
Uh-oh.
Don't worry - it's nothing bad. I was just wondering what your plans were for next year?
I'm not really sure - working, I guess...
Hmm.
As far as I know it includes housing and meals and everything... it is really quite an offer...
...wow...
So what do you think?
I dunno... Would I have to take classes and stuff?
Well, yes...
I...
Enid! I'm so sorry about what happened.
What do you mean?
The whole business with the art show and the newspaper -- it's absolutely --
Huh?
Didn't Principal Jaffee call you?
I didn't check my messages...
Oh my goodness... well, the whole thing is just ridiculous, and as soon as the school board is back in session next Fall I'm going to do everything I can to help you.
Help me what?
Well they're forcing me to give you a non-passing grade in the class because of what happened at the exhibition... but don't worry -- I'm sure I'll be able to get you your diploma in the Fall!
But... can I still get that scholarship to the Art Academy?
I'm gonna let you handle the four thirty crowd by yourself - that way I can evaluate your performance while it's slow and ease you into the bigger crowds.
What are you doing? You don't ever criticize the feature!
Why? What difference does it make? You already got his money...
Look, that's the policy... if you want to make up your own rules you can open your own theater...
But I was only trying to be friendly...
Look, we don't pay you to be a movie critic -- just do your job.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
What? I'm just kidding around with the customers... It's my shtick!
Well lose it! And why aren't you pushing the large sizes? Didn't you get training about upsizing?
But I feel weird... it's so sleazy.
It's not optional!
Well hello there, young employee of the Sidewinder.
Look, I already told you I'm not going to give you a ride.
What can you tell me, young man, about the various flavors of "frozen yogurt"?
Look, I'll be done in a minute. Just wait outside.
So Josh...
That guy rules!
Who, Doug? He spends more time here than I do...
So Josh, will you give us a ride? Please? Pretty please? It's going to be super fun!
Why do you even need a ride? You could walk there in two minutes.
Aren't there a million places like this?
This is the ultimate. It's like the Taj Mahal of bad, fake 50's diners.
So, where's "Weird Al"?
Yeah, right.
That's not him... Jesus, stop freaking me out.
In answer to your question, I suppose I endorse policies that are opposed to stupidity and violence and cruelty in any form...
Jesus, look at this guy.
Forget it.
Come on, Josh... don't you want to see where he lives?
No.
But this guy is like a one-of-kind, rare butterfly, and we have to follow him back to his natural habitat...
Hi Josh.
Hi.
I just stopped in to say hi.
Hi... what's up?
Are you the one who left that note?
Do you want something to drink?
Why?
What do you mean "why"?
Are you trying to get me wasted so you can take advantage of my womanly charms?
Yeah, right...
"Yeah, right"... well why not? What's so wrong with me?
Nothing.
Then why do you hate me so much?
When did I say I hated you?
You've never once said anything even remotely nice to me.
You make me nervous! I always feel like you're going out of your way to make me feel uncomfortable so you can laugh at me!
That's just the way I am!
Yeah, well --
You must have known all along how I -- you know -- how I felt about you -- it must be totally obvious... God... I always used to dream about this...
Oh, hi...
Why do all guys have to play stupid guitars? It's so typical... Either they're into cars or guns or sports or guitars... it's so obvious...
How long have you been up?
I couldn't sleep... I should get going; I feel really weird...
Do you want to go get breakfast somewhere?
I don't think we should... Look, you have to totally promise me you won't tell Becky about this.
Why not?
Because if you do, I'll kill you!
Okay... I promise.
Hi Enid.
Hey Josh.
God, what a bunch of retards...
I thought Chipmunk-face was never going to shut up.
I know, I liked her better when she was an alcoholic crack addict! She gets in one car wreck and all of a sudden she's Little Miss Perfect and everybody loves her.
What?... Oh suck my fucking dick!
What?
These assholes are saying that I have to go to Summer school and take some stupid art class!
Why?
Remember that stupid hippie art teacher who failed me sophomore year? I didn't think that just because you get an "F" that means you have to take the class over again.
This is so bad, it's almost good.
Just think, we'll never have to see any of these creepy faces ever again.
Unless they're in your Summer school class!
Shut up!
Uh oh... don't turn around...
What? Why?
Since when is she an "actress"?
Oh my god, look! Is Stacy Himmler going out with Rod Harbaugh?
How perfect.
God, just think, we'll never see Dennis again.
Good.
Hi.
Look at these people behind you. I'm totally convinced they're Satanists.
Why?
So, when are we going to start looking for our apartment?
Soon... I have to wait and see how this Summer class goes.
Did you sign up yet?
Yeah, I just picked the one that sounded the easiest.
God, it's so weird that we're finally out of high school... We've been waiting for this our whole life! Now we can get our own apartment and do anything we want. It's such a weird feeling.
Hey, look, the satanists are leaving!
Much later.
What do you do if you're a satanist, anyway?
You know, sacrifice virgins and stuff...
Maybe there's some weird secret satanic society that meets at the Quality Cafe and all of the other regular customers are in on it except for us.
Or maybe not.
Maybe they're slowly poisoning us or they're planning to brainwash us and --
Okay, okay!
"Authentic 50's diner"? Since when were there mini-malls in the 1950's?
Who can forget this great hit from the 50's?
Hi, Al!
I might actually get the pasta special.
Did you notice all those weird things on the menu? Like "The Salad Explosion"?
I know... and instead of "dessert" it says "Mindbenders."
Check out the Personals... maybe our future husbands are trying to contact us.
God, this paper is so boring. Who reads all this shit? Here we go... "Windsurfing Doctor, Mensan IQ, maverick Sagittarius. Let's hit the clubs, make each other laugh!"
You can have that one.
Okay, well here's yours... "Who said all the most eligible bachelors are taken? Not this one! Stunning bod, very snugglelicious ocean sunset dreamer."
Jesus! Listen to this one: "Do you remember me? Airport shuttle, June 7th. You: striking redhead with yellow dress, pearl necklace, brown shoes. I was the bookish fellow in the green cardigan who helped you find your contact lens. Am I crazy, or did we have a moment?"
God, that's so pathetic. I bet she didn't even notice him.
I know. And he's like psychotically obsessing over every little detail.
We should call him and pretend to be the redhead.
Does Oomie really like this show?
So what should we do?
Wait... I just want to see what's on this tape.
What is this?
Hey - why do you have this?
You lent it to me in like tenth grade.
Look at how cute I am!
Look, that's back when I hated you.
I remember every minute of that party.
There's my dad with Joanie.
I can never keep them all straight - was she the super-bitch?
I want to do him!
I bet! Actually he reminds me of that one creep you went out with -- you always go for guys with some lame, fake shtick.
What are you talking about -- who?
That Larry guy -- what look was he going for? A gay tennis player from the forties?
Hey! We forgot to call the loser!
Which loser?
You know, the green cardigan guy.
You call.
Why do I always have to do it?
You're better at it.
I remember when I first started reading these I thought DWF stood for "dwarf!"
What does it stand for?
God, I think Josh is too mature for us.
I know, look at the way he drives... he's like an old man.
Look, maybe that's him!
I want to "make love" to him.
SHUT UP!
Is he wearing a green cardigan?
It's obviously him!
What's going on now? What's he doing?
What's he doing now?
Do you think he knows?
Are you sure?
He's insane!
He doesn't even look that bummed out, really.
I know... wouldn't you be totally pissed off?
This is way too creepy.
He won't see us... we'll just stalk him from a distance.
The W.C. Fields Fan Club Newsletter... Oh my God, The National Psoriasis Foundation!
What should we do? What if he recognizes us?
Ew, look at this...
Gross!
I think it's cute - look at his little weasel teeth.
That was truly pathetic.
He was so excited when you bought that record -- you're a saint!... God, these apartments are super expensive...
It was so cute how he had his own little bags. I thought I was going to start crying!... Do you think they're gay?
What about the "striking redhead in the yellow dress"?
Oh yeah...
He should totally just kill himself... Hey, here's one ...Oh wait... you have to share it with a non smoking feminist and her two cats...
I dunno... I kind of like him... He's the exact opposite of everything I really hate... In a way he's such a clueless dork that he's almost cool...
That guy is many things but he definitely isn't "cool"... This one would be okay, but there's no kitchen...
Yeah, but... you know what I mean.
Not really...
We're not sure yet, that's why we're looking.
"Funky"?
I've been thinking about when we look for our apartment how we have to try and convince people that we're like these totally rich yuppies...
What are you talking about?
That's who people want to rent to. It's a known fact that it's way easier to get a job and everything if you're rich... All we have to do is buy a few semi-expensive outfits and act like it's no big deal... it'll be fun.
You just want an excuse to dress like some stupid fashion model without me making fun of you.
Just promise you'll do it.
What? How long have you been standing there?
Did you have to buy new hair dye or did you still have some left over from eighth grade?
We still have to go in there sometime.
It's always closed...
Where are we going?
Let's go hassle Josh.
There he is...
As always.
Waiting for the bus that never comes...
I wonder if he's just totally insane and he really thinks a bus is coming or --
JOSH!
I'll bet he never jerks off...
Yeah, he's beyond human stuff like that.
Why are we going here? I hate this place.
What was that all about?
It's not like I'm some modern Punk dickhead... It's obviously supposed to be a 1977 Punk look, but I guess Johnny Fuckface is too stupid to get it!
I didn't get it either.
How about this one?
Ew ... when did you get that?
This morning at Seymour's garage sale.
How about this?
Let's get out of here, this place makes me sick.
We have to do something fun tonight this is my last weekend of freedom before I start my stupid job.
I know a party we could go to...
What? Where?!
It's a surprise.
I don't believe you.
I totally, totally hate you.
I'll be right back, I'm gonna go get a beer.
Give me all your money, bitch!
Where did you get that?
You won't believe it! Guess!
Where?
Anthony's II!
No way... when?
Just now... I went with Seymour.
That guy is totally amazing.
God, how can you stand all these assholes?
I don't know... Some people are okay, but mostly I feel like poisoning everybody.
At least the wheelchair guy is sort of entertaining...
He's a total asshole... He doesn't even need that wheelchair, he's just totally lazy!
That rules!
No, it doesn't. You'll see... you get totally sick of all the creeps and losers and weirdos.
But those are our people...
Yeah, well... So when are you going to get your job?
I'm working on it... I've got a few leads... it's just that right now I have, all these projects that take up all my time.
Like what?
Nothing. Don't worry... I promise I'll get a job next week.
...you don't have to make a million dollars -- just get any stupid job so we can at least start looking for an apartment.
I wonder if I hang around with you because you're like my surrogate mother figure or something. Like I have this subconscious biological need to be nagged and bitched at constantly.
You hang out with me because nobody else can stand to be around you.
Or maybe... did you ever think that deep down we really might be lesbos? Maybe that's why we spend so much time together.
You're gross. See that guy?
Which one?
He gives me a total boner!
You're just jealous.
Yeah, right... Believe me, at this point I'm over the fact that every single guy likes you better than me!
Face it, you hate every single boy on the face of the earth!
That's not true, I just hate all these obnoxious, extroverted, pseudo- bohemian losers! Sometimes I think I act so weird because I'm crazy from sexual frustration.
Haven't you heard about the miracle of masturbation?
...maybe we should be lesbos...
Are you kidding? It's a dream job! I can't believe you got a job like that without even trying... God, I wish that was my job...
Yeah, maybe it'll be okay. At least I'll get to see every movie for free, I guess... I had to lie and tell them I already graduated...
When are you finally going to get your diploma?
I dunno, but next week is my last class...
Anyway, now we can start looking for the apartment... Do you remember when we first came up with that whole idea of renting our own apartment?
Wasn't it like eighth grade?
Seventh... you wanted to move out right then!
That must have been when my dad was married to Maxine...
I remember our big plan was as soon as we got the apartment we were going to trick Daniel Dusentrieb into coming over and then fuck him.
What are you talking about? What kind of loser gets fired after one day?!
This is it? I can't believe you're selling some of this stuff.
Fuck it. Everything must go!
What was that all about? I thought everything must go!
Now are you going to get a regular job?
Don't worry.
If it makes you feel any better, I don't think you could've gotten more than ten bucks for all this stuff.
Do you want to do something tonight?
I can't, it's Seymour's birthday... Shit! What time is it? I have to go to the store! I was going to make him a cake...
Well, are we still going shopping tomorrow?
I think one of us should fuck Josh...
Go ahead...
No, really...
God, you're really obsessed...
I am not -- I just think it'd be funny to see what he'd do...
I thought we decided that Josh was way too cool to be interested in sex, and that he's the only decent person left in the world and we would never want to bring him down to our level and all that...
Yeah, but maybe one of us should at least try...
Look, we have to get these...
I can't afford stuff like this right now.
I'm sick of waiting - we need to start getting stuff if we're ever going to move. Aren't these the greatest towels?
Why do you care about this kind of stuff?
Don't you want nice stuff?
I can't imagine spending money on towels.
You don't have to. I'll pay for all the stuff right now and you can pay me back when you finally get a job.
You're insane.
Do you still want to go to that thing tonight?
What thing?
That guy's band is playing tonight... Alien Autopsy.
Oh yeah... maybe... Seymour's going on his big date tonight and I kind of want to be around when he calls, so I can hear how bad it went.
Hello?
Do you still want to do something tonight?
What happened to Seymour?
I can't believe it - he actually scored!
How repulsive!
So should I come over?
Actually, I'm just about to go out with some friends...
What are you talking about? Who?
Just some people from work...
I don't believe you.
Where are we? This is a weird neighborhood...
It's a totally normal, average neighborhood!
I just mean it's weird to me... I've never been anywhere near here in my life.
Josh says this is a really good neighborhood...
What? When did you see Josh?!
He came into work.
Why? What did he say?
Nothing.
When was this?
Twenty-seven fifty-three... do you see it? That must be it...
Great...
What?! It looks totally normal... what's wrong with it?
I said "great"...
Oh yeah, I can tell you really love it!
Well, what am I supposed to say? "I can't wait to live in some depressing shit-hole in the middle of nowhere"?!
There's something wrong with every single place we look at! Why don't you just come right out and tell me you don't want to move in with me?!
You're the psycho! You haven't been able to deal with anything since high school ended!
You're the one who's still living out some stupid seventh-grade fantasy!
Hello?
I'm sorry about the other day. I don't know what's wrong with me... I really do want to move in with you.
I don't know... I was thinking maybe I should live alone. I decided to rent that place we looked at. I'm moving in next week.
Please let me come with you. Please please please...
I don't know - I'm not sure it's a good idea.
Of course it's a good idea... it's our plan.
But how are you gonna pay rent and everything? You don't even have a job.
So, whaddya think?
It's fine.
There.
That's all you're bringing?
I'm gonna finish packing tonight... I'll bring it over tomorrow sometime.
What time?
I dunno...
Hi.
Oh, hi... I almost didn't recognize you -- I think I need to get glasses; you're all blurry!
You're lucky then, you can't see the veins on that guy's biceps.
Do you want anything?
Wow... finally.
What about me? Am I not even here?
We're not.
Really? Both of you?... Why not?
What are you going to be when you grow up, Todd?
Well I'm going to major in Business Administration and, I think, minor in Communications.
Oh my God, you guys! I can't believe we made it!
Yeah, we graduated high school -- how totally amazing.
So what are you guys doing this Summer?
Nothing.
I'm going to be in this actor's workshop, and I'm hoping to start going on auditions soon. I'm so excited to finally have some free time. We have to get together this summer!
Oh yeah, that'll definitely happen...
Oh my god, what are you guys doing here?
What are you doing here, Melorra?
My acting workshop is across the street from here. I'm just on my break.
Well, we won't keep you.
It's really quite something to see you all grown up like this, Enid. I'd love to hear about what you're doing. I can't help but feel that I had some small part in how you turned out... What are you studying? You were always such a smart little girl.
May I ask what you're doing?
Shhh!
I want to know what you think you're doing, staying out all night and worrying your father to death!
Oh yeah, like he even noticed.
A what?
A mongoose... they eat snakes... you never heard of a mongoose? That's a classic piece of vintage taxidermy. Nobody alive today knows how to do work like that.
How much is this?
Perhaps the "Jam-in-ator" appeals to you. Absolutely no practice necessary. You shread like a giant. Just press a button.
Do you have any other old records besides these?
Seymour does.
Who does?
You still interested in that?
I thought it wasn't for sale.
I'm thinkin' maybe I could let it go...
Don't mind me, I'll just be in my room.
Didn't they tell you?
Tell me what?
Punk rock is over!
I know it's over, asshole, I --
If you really want to "fuck up the system" - you should go to business school -- that's what I'm gonna do: get a job at some big corporation and fuck things up from the inside!
That's not even --
Oh, how "punk."
That tape sucked, by the way!
Go die, asshole!
Hi... what's your name?
Norman.
...are you waiting for a bus?
Yes.
I hate to tell you this but they cancelled this bus line two years ago... There are no buses on this street.
Well, if it isn't Enid and Rebecca, the little Jewish girl and her Aryan friend.
You're late, asshole.
Fine, and how are you?
You never paid me for that tape with the Indian dance routine.
I did too!
Tsk! You Jews are so clever with money...
Thanks for the tape - I'll have to pay you later, I'm broke.
Hey, where are you going?
That's five hundred dollars.
What?
Five hundred.
You're crazy -- it should be like two dollars!
I was wearing that dress the day I lost my virginity.
Well why do I care about that?
Why do you even want it? It would look stupid on you.
Do you have any old Indian records?
Indian records?
You know, like weird 1960's Indian rock n' roll music.
Those are all 78s... Can you play 78s?
There's some good stuff in here... do you like old music?
Sure, I guess.
Is this one any good?
This track alone by Memphis Minnie is worth about $500 if you have the original 78. She was one of the greatest guitar players that ever lived, and a great singer and songwriter as well. I know the guy who owns the original and lent it for use on this reissue.
How much is it?
A dollar seventy-five.
Yeah, it took a while before I got a chance to play it, but when I heard that song it was like --
So you really liked it? Yeah, there's some really rare performances. You liked that Memphis Minnie, huh?
Yeah, that's good too... the whole record was good, but that one song, "Devil Got My Woman" -- I mostly just keep playing that one over and over... Do you have any other records like that?
The Skip James record? Yeah, that's a masterpiece. There are no other records like that! I actually have the original 78 of it in my collection. It's one of maybe five known copies.
Wow!
Do you want to see it? I can run upstairs and get it...
Yeah, sure, I guess...
Oops! I dropped it!
NO!!!
What was all that stuff about enlarged holes and tight cracks?
I... I didn't think you would have any interest in this get together... I mean if you had told me you were coming I would have warned you -- it's not like a real party or anything.
You're right about that. So this is your record collection?
Oh God no. This is just junk I have for sale or trade. The record room is off-limits.
Really? Can I see it?
Wow! This is like my dream room! Are these all records!
I have about fifteen hundred 78s at this point. I've tried to pare down my collection to the essential...
God, look at this poster! I can't believe this room! You're the luckiest guy in the world! I'd kill to have stuff like this!
Please... go ahead and kill me! This stuff doesn't make you happy, believe me.
Oh, come on! What are you talking about?
No you're not! You're a cool guy, Seymour.
Yeah right... If I'm so cool, why haven't I had a girlfriend in four years? I can't even remember the last time a girl talked to me.
I'm talking to you... I'll bet there are tons of women who would go out with you in a minute!
Oh, right...
No really... I guarantee I could get you a date in like two seconds...
Good luck...
I'm totally serious!
Yeah, well...
I mean it -- You leave everything to me -- I'm going to be your own personal dating service!
I appreciate the offer but you really don't --
Mark my words, by the end of this summer you'll be up to your neck in pussy!
What about her? Would you go out with her?
I don't know, what kind of question is that? I mean it's totally irrelevant because a girl like that would never be caught dead with me...
But putting that aside for now, would you go out with her?
Okay, what about this one? Are you into girls with big tits?
Jesus!
C'mon Seymour, I'm trying to collect data here! Don't you want me to find you your perfect dream girl?
I'm just not one of those guys who has a "type"...
Every guy has a type!
We need to narrow this down somehow... we need to find a place where you can meet women who share your interests.
Maybe I don't want to meet someone who shares my interests. I hate my interests! Where can I go to meet the exact opposite of myself?
Yeah yeah yeah... Just tell me your five main interests, in order of importance.
Well, let's see... I guess I'd have to put Traditional Jazz, Blues, and Ragtime music at the top of the list, then probably...
So is that your boyfriend?
Josh? He's nobody's boyfriend... He's just this guy that Becky and I like to torture.
Well are --
Yeah, sure... very funny....
Please, Seymour... Becky and I have been dying to go in here but we can't get any boys to take us... Please?
I - I'd really rather not...
We'll just go in for one minute -- it'll be a riot!
I don't think so...
PLEASE? We have to!
I really don't think it's a good idea.
Wow! Look at all these creeps!
Shh!
Look at this -- "Lollipop Lolitas" - isn't child pornography totally illegal?
Uh, I don't have much money with me right now.
Relax, Seymour, relax...
So, why did you bring this along?
I brought it for him to autograph. He's going to be amazed to see it - it's one of two known copies... I can't believe they have him for the opening act and not the headliner. What an insult!
This bar's going to be packed with girls for you to pick from.
What are we, in slow motion here?! What are ya, hypnotized? Have some more kids, why don't you?... For Christ's sake, would you move!?
Yes, that would certainly do...
Well, offer her a seat! You want me to do it?
Wait a minute! Hang on! Jesus, I gotta think of something to talk to her about. No! No...
What did you tell that girl?
I told her you were a big record executive and you were thinking of signing that band to your label.
Jesus...
Now I remember why I haven't gone anywhere in months. I'm not even in the same universe as those creatures back there. I might as well be from another planet.
We just need to figure out a place where you can meet somebody who isn't a total idiot, that's all.
Look, I really appreciate your help, Enid, but let's face it, this is hopeless.
It's not hopeless...
Yeah, well it's simple for everybody else - give 'em a Big Mac and a pair of Nikes and they're happy! I just can't relate to 99.9% of humanity.
Yeah, well, I can't relate to humanity either, but I don't think it's totally hopeless...
But it's not totally hopeless for you... I've had it. I don't even have the energy to try anymore. You should make sure you do the exact opposite of everything I do so you don't end up like me...
I'd rather end up like you than those people at that stupid bar... At least you're an interesting person... at least you're not exactly like everybody else...
I'm not sure I have anything to drink... there might be some --
It doesn't matter, I'm not staying long... I just want to make sure I convince you not to give up yet.
Wow, this is so cool...
If you don't mind my asking -- why do you care so much if I get a date or not?
What the fuck, Seymour?! What is this?
What?... Oh that... I borrowed that from work about fifteen years ago... I guess it's mine now.
What, are you a klansman or something?
Yeah, right, I'm a klansman - thanks a lot!... Do you know the Cook's Chicken franchise?
"Four-piece Cook's special deep fried with side n' slaw it's OUT RAY-GEOUS"!
Actually, I was a whole lot more interested in the Cook's phenomenon when I was about your age. I've kind of lost interest since I've been working for them...
You work at Cook's Chicken?
For nineteen years...
What are you, a fry cook or something?
Nothing so glamorous... actually, I'm an assistant manager at their corporate headquarters.
Jesus, I'd go nuts if I had to work in an office all day.
Hey, I get good benefits, a good early retirement plan, nobody ever bothers me...
Yeah, but still...
So, I don't really get it -- are you saying that things were better back then even though there was stuff like this?
No, in a lot of ways things are better now... I dunno... it's complicated. Everybody still hates each other, but they know how to hide it better, or something...
Hey, can I borrow this?
What? Why?
I promise I'll take good care of it.
I dunno... they're very sensitive at work about all this stuff. Maybe it would be better if you --
You can open your eyes now.
Oh... uh, thanks a lot Enid... I really appreciate it...
Arrrghhh! Ah Jeez... Christ...
Are you okay?
What is that?
Oh... uh... It's just this elastic thing I have to wear for lumbar support...
What, like a girdle?
Maybe now you understand why I can't get a date.
Yeah, well, you're not the only one. Everybody I know has totally fucked up problems... It seems like only stupid people have good relationships...
That's the spirit!
I mean, I'm eighteen years old and I've never even had a real, steady boyfriend for more than like two weeks!
Really?
Never...
I'm starting to think that even if I did get a girlfriend it really wouldn't change anything.
I know. It's not like it makes all your problems go away.
Then again, that's easy for me to say, since I'll never even get a date. I'm sure you have hundreds of guys who are interested in you.
Actually, I've got a total crush on this one guy right now, but it's a really fucked-up situation...
Oh yeah?
Oh wait, you met him... remember that guy Josh? I'm like practically obsessed with him, but I can't do anything about it because Becky would freak out.
Why?
Never mind, it's way too complicated... Did you have problems like this when you were my age - where you're totally confused all the time?
I wonder if you really like all these old records or if you only like the fact that nobody else likes them?
Aren't you going to get that?
Wow! What was that all about?
It's just somebody's idea of a joke...
That didn't sound like a joke to me... what, did you write a personal ad or something?
Uh yeah. A long time ago... she called before once... it's just somebody trying to humiliate me.
Seymour! I promise you that wasn't a joke -- you have to call her back!
How can you be so sure?
Uh... hello?
Hi, it's me...
Oh, hi...
So, what happened?
Actually, it's kind of still happening... she's over here right now... I think everything's going pretty well...
What? You're kidding me...
Yeah, so I better go -- it's not really the best time to talk...
What, are you going to like have sex with her on your first date?
Boo!
Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you... I've been wandering the streets day and night trying to find you...
Really?
No, actually Joe told me you were here... so how come you never call me anymore?
I know, I'm sorry... I-I've been really busy...
Yeah, I'll bet! So, how's it going with what's-her-name? Dana?
Oh... pretty well, surprisingly... you know...
So, what kind of stuff do you guys do together? Is she into old records and stuff?
Sort of... she doesn't dislike any of that stuff... she's trying, anyway... actually, we're supposed to go antique shopping for her apartment this afternoon...
We really should get together sometime soon... I-I'll definitely call you this week --
What, are you trying to get rid of me?
No... no, it's just that I should get going in a few minutes, and --
Aren't you even going to ask me how I'm doing?
I-I'm sorry... uh so... uh... how --
I dunno... okay, I guess... I fucked that guy Josh finally...
...so... is he your boyfriend now?
I'm going to this stupid art show and I want you to be my date... There's something I have to show you...
I... I don't know. I don't really think I should...
Of course you should. C'mon, I'm already a million hours late.
...I better not...
Well forget the art show... let's do something else.
I... I wish I could, Enid, but I really can't right now... I -- it's just that I --
Well when can we do something?
Oh, uh... they were a present from Dana.
And you like them?
Well, you know... what do I know about clothes... I've never been the most fashionable guy -- it's nice to have someone do all the work for me...
So that's it? You don't ever want to see me again?
No, of course I do... It's just that right now I need to --
What's her problem anyway? Did she actually tell you you couldn't see me?
No, no... not exactly... she just doesn't understand how I would know somebody like you...
What does she mean by that - "somebody like me"?
Just someone so young...
You must have done something to make her think you like me.
I... I don't think so.
Does that mean you don't like me?
No, of course not.
So, do you like me, Seymour?
In what way do you mean?
In whatever way you think I mean.
I don't know... I'm sorry, but Dana's a very jealous person. I just don't want to screw that up right now... I'm sure she'll dump me soon and we can go back to being friends...
I don't think you understand how I really feel about you, Seymour.
...What do you mean?
What are you doing here?
I had to see you.
What's up?
Can you at least let me in?
Uh... sure... come in.
Look, I just need somebody to be nice to me for five minutes and then I'll leave you alone.
What's the matter?
Uh... I think there's some root beer...
That's Dana's - I'm supposed to be saving it for our two-month anniversary. You better not --
You need a bigger place - this is like a little kid's room.
Where did you get this?
Dana bought it when we went antique shopping. She said it didn't go with her stuff, so she gave it to me... she thought it fit in better with my "old time thingamajigs."
God, she's going to kill me... this bottle is half-empty!
That's great! "Half-empty" - that's what I like about you, Seymour, you're a natural pessimist!
If you expect the worst, you're never disappointed.
What are you talking about? You're disappointed every minute of your life.
I'm just being realistic.
At least you're not like every other stupid guy in the world - all they care about are guitars and sports... they're all such fags!
I hate sports.
How come in all that time I was trying to get you a date, you never asked me out?
You're a beautiful young girl... I can't imagine you would ever have had any interest in me, except as an amusingly cranky eccentric curiosity.
Yeah, but still... it's kind of insulting for a girl to be ignored like that.
I mean... of course I... why wouldn't I want to go out with you?
I dunno... I always feel like everybody secretly hates me. I'm just paranoid I guess. I mean, you like me don't you? We're good friends, right?
Yeah, sure. Of course.
...Maybe I should just move in here with you... I could do all the cooking and dust your record collection and stuff until I get a job.
What about Joe?
Oh yeah... and Dana... You were a lot more fun before you met Dana. You've been acting way too normal lately... you're a bitter, twisted, fucked-up guy, Seymour, that's why I like you.
You know what my number one fantasy used to be?
What?
I used to think about one day not telling anybody and just taking off and going to some random place... Do you ever think about stuff like that?
I guess I probably used to when I was your age.
It would have to be some totally average day when nobody was expecting it, and I'd just disappear and they'd never see me again.
Sounds like a healthy way to deal with your problems.
You know what we should do? Let's go get in your car right now and just take off! We could just drive away and find some new place and start a whole new life... fuck everybody!
I don't think I'm in any condition to drive.
I'll drive, then -- we'll go out in a blaze of glory!
So where would we go?
Who cares? Let's just go... what's stopping us?
I dunno, I...
I'm serious! I'm just so sick of everybody! Why can't I just do whatever I want?
What do you want?
What do you want?
I-I-I...
God, Dana's going to kill you!
...Do you really want us to drive away somewhere?
What?... Maybe... no... I dunno...
I will if you want to.
No... forget it...
I-I never expected anything like this to happen...
Yeah, well... me neither...
You must know I always... did you really mean all that about moving in with me?
I was just thinking out loud... I mean, you've got this whole thing with Dana -- I'm not going to let you fuck that up...
But, I...
I really want to talk to you. I've been thinking about what you said about moving in here...
So what's the story with the two cheerleaders over here?
They're Seymour's.
Seymour? You gotta be kidding me!
Don't worry about it. He's not gettin' any and neither are you.
Let me tell ya somethin', Joe... Listen to me, Joe... you can't hit a home run without swinging the bat!
Well, here's where the fun never stops!
Yeah, I'm really, really happy. Really having a good time.
Where else am I ever going to find another girl who likes Geeshie Wiley records? She could at least have the decency to call me back.
Maybe she's got another boyfriend.
Yeah, well... thanks for cheering me up.
Please Josh?
So Josh, if this guy freaks out, will you protect us?
I agree.
Did you remember to pay the phone bill?
Yeah.
I think that Phillip and Enid can help us to see that there are-many different ways we can express ourselves. We can do things like these cartoons that are amusing as a sort of light entertainment or we can do work that is more serious in scope and feeling and that deals with issues; emotional, spiritual, political; of great importance. I hope that you
I am.
Talk to us about it...
It's my response to the issue of a woman's right to choose... it's something I feel super-strongly about.
What do we have here, Margaret?
I can see that... now what can you tell us about it? First of all, what kind of sculpture is this?
It's a "found object"... that's when an artist takes an ordinary object and places it in an artistic context and thus it becomes art.
Very good. Now, what can you tell us about it in regard to your artistic intent?
I guess I see the teacup as a symbol for womanhood, because of tea parties in the olden days, but instead of tea I was trying to kind of confront people with this... like...
This shocking image of repressed femininity!
Right, exactly!
Uh... hi. Uh... Enid's stepmother told me I'd find her here?
She's not at home?
No... they said she was here...
What the fuck is she doing?! She was supposed to be here three hours ago!
Uh, do you mind if I wait? I really need to talk to her.
Are you sure she wasn't there? Maybe she was just hiding from you.
Why would she be hiding from me?
I don't know... where is she, then?
Maybe she's with Josh?
Josh!? Why would she be with Josh?
I don't know.
Why? What did she tell you?
She just mentioned him a few times and said that they had been dating - I thought maybe she was...
What? Is she having some secret affair with Josh?
I have no idea - I just want to...
Why wouldn't she tell me? There's no way! She could never keep that to herself... you're crazy.
Really, I don't know enough about it to...
That slut!
Why did you say she might be hiding from me? Did she say anything to you about me?
Yeah, she thinks you're a dork.
Did she say that?
Look, what do you expect? Considering how we met you.
What do you mean?
On that pathetic fake blind date.
What are you talking about?
Didn't she ever tell you about that? God, she really is pathological...
I have to admit, things have really started looking up for me since my life turned to shit.
So tell me more about this job. What exactly will you be doing?
Well, mostly archival research, cataloguing old records and writing liner notes for their CD reissues. It's really... I can't believe it.
Remember what I said when we first started -- this little breakdown might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you!
It doesn't pay very much, but I should be able to afford my own place in a few months... Do you think that's too soon? I'm really anxious to get my record collection out of storage...
Thank you, doctor.
Seymour?
Yes?
You were contracted to work-
-malaria epidemic; very sudden.
Let me see the sick.
Oh, you're a doctor now, too?
There is no reason for fear.
-oh, sing a different song, Abdullah- -there's nothing wrong with your men so stop telling me there is-
-you do not call me a liar- you know nothing of their health- consider yourself fortunate I persuaded so many to stay- consider yourself fortunate I have decided to stay-
He sees this chaos, he'll replace you all.
He'll replace you, too- that's all you really care about.
Morning, friend, glorious day.
The next time will be as this time- The Devil has come to Tsavo-
-that's ridiculous talk and you can't seriously believe it-
I wasn't and you know it and don't push it- just listen- we have a problem in Tsavo-
-at last you're right- we do- you are the problem in Tsavo-
No hints, Samuel.
You don't know all that has happened here- the Devil has come to Tsavo.
I am a man of peace.
Am I to take it you want to live?
Most certainly. Absolutely. Yes.
Excellent decision. Your name is Abdullah? I'm sure we'll meet again. Go and enjoy the splendid morning.
Starting now, we attack them.
How; we don't know where they are?
John Henry Patterson, come in. I'm Robert Beaumont. Firm- I like that, tells me a lot about you- -now why don't you tell me about me? To get you started, many people find me handsome, with a wonderful smile. I'm sure you agree. Winning personality, heaps of charm?
My wife is the game player in the family, sir.
-build the bridge over the Tsavo river. And be finished in four months time. Can you do that?
I'm sure you've examined my record. So you know I've never yet been late on a bridge.
You've never built in Africa.
But I have in India- every country presents problems.
You'll need your confidence, I promise you.
I've got a reason far beyond confidence: my wife is having our firstborn in five months and I promised I'd be with her when the baby comes.
Very moving, Patterson; I'm touched you confided in me. But I don't really give a shit about your upcoming litter. I've made you with this assignment- -don't make me break you.
Pleasant journey?
Lovely sound- they seem happy.
Don't they, though?
Truthfully? There has been the occasional odd hiccup- but then, as you so wisely told me, I'd never built in Africa.
I do need to see Starling.
Starling?
Awhile back he ordered some bibles- -I've brought them. Is he here?
Yes he is.
It's what the natives are calling the lions- -two lions have been causing trouble-
-what's the surprise in that, this is Africa?
It hasn't been that simple so far.
This is supposed to be salvation? What kind of idiocy are we dealing with here?
In that half will be bait- human bait- I'll start things off- -a sliding door will fit above that and a trip wire will run across the floor.
Are you running a high fever, man? How could you expect something as lunatic as this to succeed? How could you even conceive of it?
I didn't conceive of it for the lions- I built one in India when there was trouble with a tiger.
And it worked?
What?
I made a mistake hiring you- you're simply not up to the job.
Let me explain about time- you've been here three months and already two months behind. And the Germans and the French are gearing up. And I don't care about you and I don't care about the thirty dead- I care about my knighthood and if this railroad finishes on schedule, I'll get my knighthood and I want it. Professional hunters may be the answer.
All they'll bring is more chaos and we've plenty of that already- and if they come in, word will get out- and what happens to your knighthood then?
I'm going to try and locate Redbeard- I assume you've heard of him.
Every man who's ever fired a rifle has heard of him- by the time you find him, the lions will be dead.
Understand, I had help-
This sham? Ridiculous. Who needs it? It's only being built to control the ivory trade, make men richer.
Then why do you stay?
I know it's your first day and of course you must be tired from the journey- -but what are you going to do about it?
You're certain about tomorrow? But you don't seem excited.
You don't enjoy killing, do you?
I'm David Hawthorne, this is my hospital. And my advice to you is, "don't get sick in front of it." That was meant to be charming, sorry. I seem to have lost the knack.
You never had it.
A man-eater attacks and you're such a buffoon you almost forget to mention it?
-then he feasted on him, starting with his feet-
-please- you needn't be so graphic-
That's a terrible idea-
-is it, I'm sorry, but then, of course, you're the doctor, you should know.
Silliest thing I ever heard of- why in the world should we go through all that?
I suppose I could answer you. I suppose I could explain that the place is so inviting, what with the smell of blood and flesh, that they have to strike. It's even possible that I tell you I found some fresh paw marks around back which means they're already contemplating feasting here. But I don't want to answer you because when you question me
I have been desperate for Patterson to let me move the hospital since the day he arrived.
I tried to be late, John- it would have been easier if you'd gone.
We're not much good at goodbyes, Helena.
Tell me about Beaumont- does he understand how brilliant you are, how lucky he is to have you?
Oh dear- -you're geting that downtrodden look again-
-well, it's just... ...other men don't abandon their wives at such a time-
-oh please- if I'd been against your taking this, you would have abandoned me. You've been desperate to see Africa your whole life.
What if there are complications?-
Go, now. Such a gentleman.
Very good indeed.
We have hunted since childhood.
All right- you'll spend your nights inside. You'll have plenty of ammunition. You're totally protected, you have really nothing to fear.
Not once?- you didn't hit it once?-
-I would never make excuses- but a fire broke out- the light was bad- he kept moving-
-well, of course he kept moving- but he couldn't have been more than ten feet away from the three of you- surely you must have wounded the thing-
Many thanks. You're Patterson, yes? Nigel Starling- I'll be assisting you at Tsavo- but surely Beaumont must have told you that.
He just gave me his "monster" speech.
Don't much like them.
Anything special about them?
Just that they fart through their mouths. Must make kissing something of a gamble.
I've lived in Africa a year and I don't know what you know. How long have you been here?
Every time I see something like that, I know we're right to be here- to bring Christianity into their lives, enrich their souls.
Beaumont says it's to end slavery.
We all have our reasons. Mine is simply to make them understand happiness, accept salvation, know the serenity that comes- -best I stop. One of the by-products of my belief is that I can become amazingly boring. But I know God smiles on me.
Samuel is camp liaison- absolutely indispensable- the only man here everyone trusts.
Excellent. Could I see the bridge site?
Finish your tour?
And anxious to get started. What is this, mostly malaria?
I couldn't believe it when you said "sort it out." As if it were the most normal thing in the world. "Ho-hum, what lovely tea, I think I'll bag a killer beast this evening, nothing much else going on anyway."
You said "of course" you'd need the donkey. Why "of course"?
I don't suppose I could watch.
Might be exciting for you.
I've never been all that adventurous. I wouldn't be in the way?
I'd love the company. And I've hunted all my life.
I hate to be a bother, John, but the cramp's getting worse. The pain is actually quite unbearable now.
Shhh.
I'm sure you mean that to be comforting, but-
-you'll have to deal with it, Nigel.
John? I know this isn't the time to ask, but-
What?
Since you'd only been here three hours when we met, are you sure this is how you hunt lions?
...one shot...
With much more on the way- -John- we could have had this chat on flatter ground-
How lucky we are.
Aren't we full of ourselves today? I think it's because of the lion.
All right- thee second embankment will go there.
You do plan to mark it a bit more precisely than just- -"there."
In your honor, Nigel. And you and Singh will be in charge of building them- and you'll also build the roadbeds and the three foundation pillars- and you'll be finished in eight thrilling weeks.
John, it will not be easy.
I'll try- but this feels so different- that old lion I killed could never carry off a man Singh's size.
But you said they were always old.
Second death? Where?-
-far end of camp- man wandering alone at night. Hawthorne's examining the body now. There's even less of him than of Singh.
What a good week.
You mean nobody died?
I didn't have a chance to thank you.
What did I do?
Got me out of trouble.
Nonsense- Samuel would have done something.
We need to talk.
Let me save time- you are the engineer; you are in charge; you're sorry I'm here. Right so far? Good- because I am not an engineer, I don't want to be in charge, and I'm sorrier than you are that I'm here- I hate Tsavo. So I will help you by killing the lions and leaving, and you will help me by doing what
Actually, no.
All right- let's go into battle. I'm Redbeard.
I don't really. But understand something- even though it may take me two or three days to sort this out- -when I'm gone, you'll still have to build the bridge. And I don't want the men to have lost respect for you.
That's very considerate.
Have you got it?
The best way to ensure the kill when you're using trackers is for one to shoot while the other uses the trackers to force the lion toward the shooter. Have you ever led trackers?
I can try.
Samuel says you killed a lion.
It was probably luck- I'd rather you did the shooting.
...misfire... it jammed...
Has it ever done that before?
Think about something else.
Have you ever failed?
Goddammit!
Meant to ask you- the railroad car trap. Your idea? Excellent notion- I used the same device myself once.
But of course yours worked.
It would have been a beautiful bridge, John. I never noticed before, occupied with other business, I suppose... ...never really pay much attention to that kind of thing but I've had the time today, nothing else on, and this... it's graceful and the placement couldn't be prettier... and...
In my town, when I was little, there was a brute, a bully who terrorized the place. But he was not the problem. He had a brother who was worse than he. But the brother was not the problem. One or the other of them was usually in jail. The problem came when they were both free togther. The two became different from either
What happened to them?
Their den? Have you ever seen anything like this?
Where could it have gone? How could it get across the water? They're only lions, yes?
They're used to people in trees, not in a clearing. It may be tight.
Not for me- I'm too bulky and it's your idea, you go up there. Take the others to the water tower for the night.
I'll be bait alone?
Yes. And I'll be in some distant tree where I can provide no assistance whatsoever. Can you control your fear?
I'll have to.
I can't control mine- I'd be lost without the shame factor driving me.
It's certainly the best chance they've had to kill you.
You think they'll come then? Why?
Good luck.
Why?
How many do you think they've killed?
I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad you came.
Understood- you realize now you could never have done it without me.
Why do the workers look unhappy?
It's all wonderfully under control, Samuel- you've done a splendid job.
Thank you. The truth is this: you have to work at it constantly.
The workers don't get on?
Did it look like this in your mind?
I am also liaison between these two.
What are they looking at?
You- they cannot believe you're still here.
Nonsense.
We should construct thorn fences around every tent area. Fires burning at night.
Oh yes, I think so.
For you.
Thank you, Samuel.
Good news?
I expect so- it's from my wife.
Do you love her?
I do, actually; very much.
Soon.
You like him, don't you?
Oh yes. But it takes time.
You've known him long?
Thank you. Why does he need you by him?
Three years I've worked for the railroad. Now I don't know why. It seemed a good idea once.
He has children?
Where is it?
Afraid of lions.
Why do you laugh?- you don't believe she taught me?
How many cattle?
Four should do it.
Why so many?
Did you ever see a lion that size?
Gentlemen, there's no sickness smell at all here, and little blood. When we leave, close the gate securely, don't open it til morning and keep your fires high. Any questions, ask them now. You two will sleep beautifully in your tents. And stay there.
And where will you sleep beautifully?
Where do you go next?
Some Russian princes want to hunt the Himalayas. You?
My life was shaped because someone invented gunpowder. Our lives have crossed because two lions went mad. But what if in the future the three of us do something grand for humanity? Was that worth all the lives? Too soon to tell.
Some mysteries should not have solutions.
Oh, yes, I got in a little late this morning, Janosz.
You know, you are really doing very good work here. I think soon you may be ready to assist me in some of the more important restorations.
We'll be very sorry to lose you. Perhaps I could take you to lunch today?
Every day I ask you, and every day you've got something else to do. Do I have bad breath or something?
I'm sorry. Perhaps some other time.
Janosz?
Do you need anything? You want me to come in?
No, everything's fine. Honestly. Thanks anyway.
Okay, just thought I'd check. Good night, Dana. Sleep well. Don't let the bedbugs bite you.
Dana, aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?
What do you want with my baby?
No harm will come to the child. You might even say it's a privilege. He will be the vessel for the spirit of Vigo. And you -- well, you will be the mother of the ruler of the world. Doesn't that sound nice?
If this is what the world will be like, I don't want to live in it.
I don't believe we have the luxury of choice.
Everybody has a choice.
Not in this case, my dear. Take a look. That's not Gainsborough's Blue Boy up there. He's Vigo!
Time is running out, Dana. Soon it will be midnight and the city will be mine -- and Vigo's. Well, mainly Vigo's. But we have a spectacular opportunity to make the best of our relationship.
We don't have a relationship.
I know. Marry me, Dana, and together we will raise Vigo as our son. There are many perks that come with being the mother of a living god. I'm sure he will supply for us a magnificent apartment. And perhaps a car and free parking.
I hate and despise you and everything you stand for with all my heart and soul. I could never forgive what you've done to me and my child.
Many marriages begin with a certain amount of distance, but after a while I believe we could learn to love each other. Think about it.
Hundreds of people. Believe me, I didn't imagine this.
What are you working on, Egon?
We'll do the happiness index next. I'd like to bring Ray in on your case, if it's all right with you.
Okay, whatever you think -- but not Venkman.
Oh no.
Do you ever see him?
Occasionally
How is he these days?
Venkman? I think he was borderline for a while there. Then he crossed the border.
Does he ever mention me?
This is my address and telephone number. Will you call me?
Certainly.
Egon, I'd rather you didn't mention any of this to Peter if you don't mind.
I won't.
Frank, do you think you could give me a hand with these bags?
I'm not a doorman, Miss Barrett. I'm a building superintendent.
You're also a human being, Frank.
Okay, okay. It's not my job, but what the hell. I'll do you a favor. He takes the grocery bags from her.
Hiya, Oscar. What do you say, slugger?
That's a good-looking kid you got there, Ms. Barrett.
Thank you, Frank. Oh, are you ever going to fix the radiator in my bedroom? I asked you last week.
No, you didn't, Frank.
Okay, that's no problem.
Hello, Peter.
You know, Dana, I'm very very hurt that you didn't call me first. I'm still into all this stuff, you know. Haven't you ever seen my show?
I have. That's why I didn't call you first.
So what happened to Mr. Right? I hear he ditched you and the kid and moved to Europe.
He didn't "ditch" me. We had some problems, he got a good offer from an orchestra in England and he took it.
He ditched you. You should've married me, you know.
You never asked me, and every time I brought it up you'd get drowsy and fall asleep.
Men are very sensitive, you know. We need to feel loved and desired, too.
Well, when you started introducing me as "the old ball and chain," that's when I left.
What do you think?
There's no doubt about it. He's got his father's looks. The kid is ugly -- extremely ugly. And smelly. You stink! It's just horrible. You are the stinkiest baby I ever smelled. What's his name?
His name is Oscar.
Oscar! You poor kid!
Peter, this is serious. I need to know if you think there's anything unusual about him.
I'll do it.
Brings back a lot of sweet memories, doesn't it? There's our old cash machine. And the dry cleaners we used to go to. And the old video store. We really had some good times, didn't we?
That's where the buggy stopped.
I wish I could stay. I feel personally responsible for you being here.
You are personally responsible. If I can get conjugal rights, will you visit me at Sing Sing?
Please don't say that. You won't go to prison.
Don't worry about me. I'm like a cat.
You mean you cough up hairballs all over the rug?
I'm El Gato. I always land on my feet.
Good luck.
So this is what you do, huh?
Oh, hello, Peter.
You're really good, you know.
I'm sure you didn't come here just to talk about art.
He was also a lunatic and a genocidal madman. I hate this painting. I've felt very uncomfortable since they brought it up from storage.
I may be wrong, but I think you've got a little crush on this guy.
Good-bye, Peter.
I'm sorry. Were you on your way out?
No, I just got in -- a couple hours ago. Come on in. Are we having a pajama party?
You know, if anyone else told me that, I'd have serious doubts. But coming from you, I can't honestly say I'm surprised.
I must be losing my mind. At the museum today I could have sworn that terrible painting of Vigo looked right at me.
Who could blame him? Were you wearing this nightgown?
I don't know what to do anymore.
This is Joe Namath's old number, you know. You could get a lot of chicks with this. Just don't pee in it.
Peter, what about the bathtub?
We'll take care of that. Ray, Pete. Listen, get over to Dana's right away ... Her bathtub pulled a fast one -- tried to eat the kid.
It was full of this awful pink ooze.
Bathroom's right here -- let me just tidy up a few things.
Be careful on that sofa -- it's a butt-biter. But the bed's good and I just changed the sheets so if you get tired, feel free. In fact, I think you should definitely plan on spending the night here.
Really? And how would we handle the sleeping arrangements?
For me it's best if I sleep on my side and you spoon up right behind me with your arms around me. If we go the other way I'm afraid your hair will be getting in my face all night.
How about you on the sofa and me in bed with the baby.
Or we could do that.
Thank you. Poor baby. I think I should put him down now.
Are you all squeaky clean now?
They didn't find anything? In the bathtub ... the pink ooze ... nothing? So, what do I do now?
Now you get dressed and we go out. I got a babysitter and everything. Trust me, you need it.
I'm not here to date. I can't leave Oscar in a strange place with someone I don't know.
It's Janine Melnitz, from my staff. She's one of my most valuable employees.
Does she know anything about babies?
Janine Melnitz, are you kidding? Do I have a vase? I brought some of your clothes. Wear something intriguing. I brought along some interesting possibilities.
Did you happen to see some shirts on the floor in here?
I put them in your hamper. I thought they were dirty.
So -- are you making any New Year's resolutions?
I want to stop getting involved with men who aren't good for me.
Does that start exactly at midnight tomorrow, or could you hold off for a few days maybe?
For one night in your life, do you think it's possible for us to be completely real?
All right, you want to be real? So tell me why did you dump me?
Oh, Peter, I didn't dump you. I just had to protect myself. You really weren't very good for me, you know.
I'm not even good for me.
Why do you say things like that? You're so much better than you know.
Thank you. If I had that kind of support on a daily basis, I could definitely shape up by the turn of the century.
So why don't you give me a jingle in the year 2000?
Maybe I should call Janine.
I think he likes you. I think I do too.
That's not true. It was 1620.
That's a terrible thing to say.
Hi, Ray. It's good to see you. Thanks for coming.
No problem. Always glad to help -- and hug.
Is this the spot?
I think we hit the honeypot, boys. There's something brewing under the street.
Sorry!
According to my sources, the world will end on February 14, in the year 2016.
Valentine's Day. That's got to be a bummer. Where did you get that date, Elaine?
I received this information from an alien. I was at the Paramus Holiday Inn, I was having a drink in the bar when he approached me and started talking. Then he must have used some sort of ray or a mind control device because he made me follow him to his room and that's where he told me about the end of the world.
Your alien had a room in the Holiday Inn?
It may have been a room on the spacecraft made up to look like a room in the Holiday Inn. I can't be sure, Peter.
Can I help you?
I'm Jack Hardemeyer. I'm the mayor's assistant. What can I do for you?
I'm an old friend of the mayor's. I just want to say hello to him.
I know who you are, Doctor Venkman. Busting any ghosts lately?
No, that's what I want to talk to the mayor about. We did a little job for the city a while back and we ended up getting sued, screwed and tattooed by deskworms like you.
That's quite a story.
Before you go running to the newspapers with this, would you consider telling this slime thing to some people downtown?
Look, I've had it with you. Get your stuff together, get back in that clown car and get out of here. This is a city matter and everything's under control.
What is it, honey?
It's that darn ghost again! I don't know what to do anymore. He just won't leave us alone. I guess we'll just have to move.
Who are you going to call?
Oh migod! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. It was an accident.
What are you doing up here?
I was trying to get that smelly green thing. The guys asked me to help out. I'm like the fifth Ghostbuster.
Why would you want to be a Ghostbuster if you're already an accountant?
Have you made any plans yet? You know tomorrow is New Year's Eve.
No, I celebrate at the beginning of my corporate tax year which is March first. That way I beat the crowds.
Well, good night, Louis.
Janine, do you feel like maybe getting something to eat on the way home?
I'd like to, but I told Dr. Venkman I'd babysit. Do you want to babysit with me?
I can't believe a person could actually live like this.
So these dwarfs had a limited partnership in a small mining operation and then one day a beautiful princess came to live with them.
It's really not a bad place. It just needs a woman's touch.
You're really good with children, Louis. I can tell. Why don't you come here and sit with me?
Motherhood is a very natural instinct for me. I'd like to have a baby myself. Wouldn't you?
Should we go?
I don't think we should leave her alone.
I'm not sure this is such a good idea? Do they know you're doing this?
Oh, yeah, sure -- no. But there's really not much to do here and they might need some back-up at the museum.
Pleasure to meet you. I've seen you on television.
It's a painting I'm restoring for the new Byzantine exhibition. It's a self-portrait of Prince Vigo, the Carpathian. He ruled most of Carpathia and Moldavia in the 17th Century.
Too bad for the Moldavians.
We don't go around altering valuable paintings, Dr. Venkman.
I'll let you get back to it. Nice meeting you.
Dr. Venkman? Dana is not here.
I know.
Then why have you come?
You know, I never got to ask you. Where you from, Johnny?
This is the one that looked at Dana.
It must be the chemical fumes in the studio. People start imagining things --
So you see, everything is in order, is it not?
You pitiful, miserable creatures! You dare to challenge the power of darkness? Don't you realize what you are dealing with? He's Vigo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him.
I, Vigo, the scourge of Carpathia, the sorrow of Moldavia, command you.
Command me, lord.
I, Vigo, the scourge of Carpathia --
Yes, the scourge --
-- the sorrow of Moldavia --
-- the sorrow --
I command you.
I await the word of Vigo.
The season of evil begins with the birth of the new year. Bring me the child that I might live again.
Lord Vigo, the mother, Dana, is fine and strong. I was wondering -- well, would it be possible -- if I bring the baby, could I have the woman?
Keep that up, mister, and I'll find you in contempt.
You've got to do something!
Who are they?
They're the Scoleri Brothers. I tried them for murder. They were electrocuted up at Ossining in '48. Now they want to kill me.
These boys aren't playing around.
The witness is leading him. Sustained.
Sustained. Mr. Tully, do you have anything to ask this witness that may have some bearing on this case?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Can I have some of your water?
Get on with it, counselor!
That's it? That's all you have to say?
Come on, Sherm. You're my cousin. Do this for me. I'm begging you.
I can't do it, Louis. It isn't ethical. I could lose my license.
Why can't you just have them released? You're a doctor.
I'm a dermatologist. I can't write orders on the psych ward.
Sherman, I've done lots of favors for you.
Like what?
I got you out of those bad tax shelters.
You were the one who got me in.
I fixed you up with Diane Troxler and she put out, didn't she?
Yeah, I had to give her free dermabrasion for a year. Forget it, Louis. I could get in a lot of trouble.
I'm telling you, we're all going to be in big trouble if we don't do something fast. That ghost guy came and took my friend's baby and we got to get it back. It's just a scared little baby, Sherm.
This is my cousin Sherman. Sherm, say hello to the Ghostbusters. I promised him a ride in the car if he got you out.
Hey! Wait! Okay, I'll meet you there.
I thought you were like the fifth Ghostbuster.
Hi, welcome back to the 'World of the Psychic,' I'm Peter Venkman and I'm chatting with my guest, author, lecturer and of course, psychic, Milton Anglund. Milt, your new book is called The End of the World. Isn't that kind of like writing about gum disease. Yes, it could happen, but do you think anybody wants to read a book about it?
Well, I think it's important for people to know that the world is in danger.
Okay, so can you tell us when it's going to happen or do we have to buy the book?
I predict that the world will end at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve.
This year? That's cutting it a little close, isn't it? I mean, just from a sales point of view, the book just came out, right? So you're not even looking at the paperback release for maybe a year. And it's going to be at least another year after that if the thing has movie-of-the-week or mini-series potential. You would have been better off predicting
This is not just some money-making scheme! I didn't just make up the date. I have a strong psychic belief that the world will end on New Year's Eve.
Yes, I did. We were city champs.
So, Dr. Venkman, please explain to the court why it is you and your co-defendants took it upon yourselves to dig a big hole in the middle of the street.
I'll ask you again, Dr. Venkman. Why were you digging the hole? And please remember that you're under oath.
I had my fingers crossed when they swore me in, but I'm going to tell you the truth. There are things in this world that go way beyond human understanding, things that can't be explained and that most people don't want to know about anyway. That's where we come in.
So what are you saying? That the world of the supernatural is your special province?
Egon!
Hello, Venkman.
How've you been? How's teaching? I bet those science chicks really dig that big cranium of yours, huh?
I think they're more interested in my epididymis.
I'd like to have a stool specimen
What now, Brainiac?
I think we should see if we can find anything abnormal on the street.
That's a thousand million electron volts.
You were supposed to help me with this.
"Vigo the Carpathian, born 1505, died 1610 --"
That's it? "I'll be back?"
You know, animals and lower life forms often anticipate major disasters. Given the new magnetheric readings we could see a tremendous breeding surge in the cockroach population.
Boys, listen. You're scaring the straights. Let's save this until tomorrow, okay?
It's working. The positive GeV's are climbing.
So far so good.
Pretty impressive, huh?
It's probably the first thing my grandparents saw when they came to this country.
From where -- Neptune?
They came from Ostrov in Eastern Poland.
Who was that?
Some crank. Looking for goat hooves. Come up with anything?
This one's interesting. Berlin, 1939, a flower cart took off by itself and rolled approximately half a kilometer over level ground. Three hundred eyewitnesses.
You might want to check those Duke University mean averaging studies on controlled psychokinesis.
Nothing. Not a trace.
The New York Pneumatic Railway. It was an experimental subway system. Fan-forced air-trains, built around 1870.
This is about as deep as you can go under Manhattan without digging your own hole.
Seems like a pretty open-minded guy, huh?
Hey, I didn't imagine it. There must have been ten thousand gallons of it down there.
I'm Egon --
No, not exactly a man of the people. "Also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy."
Six feet -- seven -- eight --
That's it. It's on the bottom.
If you two are looking for a fight, you got one. Who wants it first? Come on, Ray. Try me, sucker.
It won't work. There's no way we could generate enough positive energy to crack that shell.
I can't believe things have gotten so bad in this city that there's no way back. Sure, it's crowded, it's dirty, it's noisy. And there are too many people who'd just as soon step on your face as look at you. But there've got to be a few sparks of sweet humanity left in this burned-out burg. We just have to mobilize it.
Something that appeals to the best in each and every one of us --
Don't shoot! You'll hit Ray!
We've found it at every event site we've been to lately.
There's definitely something going on in that studio. The PKE levels were max-plus and the Giga-meter was showing all red.
Is the line sinking?
Rivers of the stuff!
Late Renaissance, I think. Caravaggio or Brunelleschi.
Oh, hello, perhaps you could help me. I'm looking for an aerosol love potion I could spray on a certain Penthouse Pet that would make her unconditionally submit to an unusual personal request.
Oh, hiya, Pete.
So, no goat hooves, huh?
I knew that voice sounded familiar. What's up? How's it going?
Nowhere -- fast. Why don't you lock up and buy me a sub?
Great. So what are you guys working on?
Oh, just checking something for an old friend.
Who?
Who? Just -- someone we know.
Who? Who? Who?
Aaah! Nobody! I can't tell you!
Who, Ray?
Well, Holmes, what do you think?
What's that?
I love this. We're onto something really big. I can smell it, Ray. We're going to make some headlines with this one.
Hey, hey, hey, stresshound! Are you nuts? If anybody found out about this we'd be in serious trouble. The judge couldn't have been clearer - no ghostbusting.
Geez, I forgot how heavy these things are.
I'm Ray --
Careful, Winston. He's a mean one. And to celebrate our grand reopening, we're giving you twice the value with our special half-price 'Welcome Back' service plan.
Hold on, Ray! Half-price! Have you gone crazy?
You know he ran that last lap in under six minutes?
Oh good, you're here. Spengler and I have something really amazing to show you.
And now you're going to eat it?
This is what you do with your spare time?
This is an incredible breakthrough, Venkman. A psychoreactive substance! Whatever this is, it clearly responds to human emotional states.
Like a goat on garbage.
We're running tests to see if we can get an equally strong positive reaction.
What kind of tests?
Well, we sing to it, we talk to it, we say supportive, nurturing things --
Did you find anything at Dana's?
Beautiful, beautiful. Work with me, baby. Just have fun with it. Okay, he's playing it cool. Let's finish up and get out of here.
What happened?
Don't tell me, let me guess. All-you-can-eat barbecue rib night at the Sizzler?
We're going down into the sewer system to see if we can trace the source of the psycho-reactive slime flow. We thought you might want to come along.
I think we're going to have to pass on the sewer trip, boys. Let me know what you find out.
You should've been there, Venkman. Absolutely incredible!
Yeah, sorry I missed it. I guess you guys didn't know about the dress code here. It's really kind of a coat and tie place.
It looks like a giant Jello mold.
Forget it. The Vienna Boys Choir couldn't get through this stuff.
I hope we have enough stuff to do the job.
I'll keep to the middle of the channel. We're okay to 59th Street, then we'll go ashore and take First Avenue to 79th.
I don't think they make Nikes in her size.
My Fault!
Vigi, Vigi, Vigi -- you have been a bad little monkey.
I think she looks pretty good here, don't you?
My great-grandparents were Swiss. I still have the pictures they took of the statue from the boat when they arrived.
What's your story, Pete?
Ready?
I'm ready.
That's it, Ray. I've had it. No more parties. I'm tired of taking abuse from over-privileged nine-year-olds.
Give it up, Ray. You're living in the past. Ghostbusters doesn't exist anymore. In a year these kids won't even remember who we are.
Ungrateful little Yuppie larvae. After all we did for this city.
Yeah, what did we do, Ray? The last real job we had we bubbled up a hundred foot marshmallow man and blew the top three floors off an uptown highrise.
Does it have any favorites?
And he didn't die of old age either. He was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, drawn and quartered.
You got a flux and a half.
Now that's one ugly dude.
Huh? What?
You finished here?
What? Yeah.
Are you all right? You coming down with something?
Are you telling me how to drive?
No, I just thought --
Are you all right?
Nice going, Ray! What were you trying to do -- drown me?
Look, Zeddemore, it wasn't my fault you were too stupid to drop that line.
You better watch your mouth, man, or I'll punch your lights out.
What are we doing? Ray, I was ready to kill you.
She's moving!
Ray -- Ray -- How do you feel, man?
I don't care what you say. This could be a major Christmas gift item.
Right, and the first time someone gets mad, their toaster will eat their hand.
Tell him about the toaster.
It better not start yet. I'm trying to finish my potholder before lunch.
And pure --
Kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Wonder what?
How deep does it get? That water's cold and I can't swim.
My people weren't taking any pictures from those slave ships, man. And there wasn't any Statue in Charleston Harbor to welcome them, either. What are you, Dana?
Aren't you glad we waited?
I don't know. It probably would've been the same.
Roy? Your clock broke.
Nice going, honey. It was brand new.
Now where are you going?
To the bathroom, where do you think?
Hey, sweetheart, will you CUT THAT OUT!!!
Uuuuuuugh!!
Is it a star?
Ready? What is it?
Ummm -- figure eight?
Incredible! Five for five. You're not cheating on me here, are you?
No. They're just coming to me.
Well, I guess some people have it and some don't.
Do you think I have it, Dr. Venkman?
Okay. Just give me a second here. I have to leave now but if you've got some time I'd like you to come back this evening and do some more work with me.
Eight o'clock?
Oh, Dana, it's you ...
Hi, Louis.
... I thought it was the drug store.
Oh, no, I feel great. I just ordered some more vitamins. I see you were exercising. So was I. I taped "20 Minute Workout" and played it back at high speed so it only took ten minutes and I got a really good workout. You wanna have a mineral water with me?
No thanks, Louis. I'm really tired. I've been rehearsing all morning.
Okay. I'll take a raincheck. I always have plenty of mineral water and other nutritious health foods, but you know that. Listen, that reminds me, I'm having a party for all my clients. It's gonna be my fourth anniversary as an accountant. I know you fill out your own tax return, but I'd like you to come being that you're my next door neighbor
Oh, that's nice, Louis. I'll stop by if I'm around.
You know you shouldn't leave your TV on so loud when you go out. That creep down the hall phoned the manager.
Oh, Dana, it's you.
Hi, Louis.
Hey, it's crazy in here. You're missing a classic party.
Well, actually Louis I have a friend coming by.
Great! Bring her, too. But you better hurry. I made nachos with non-fat cheese and they're almost gone. I'll make some more though.
Fine, Louis. We'll stop in for a drink.
Are you the Gatekeeper?
Oh, sure. I'm getting used to this.
I'm innocent! Honest, Dana. I never touched you. Not that I remember anyway.
Hello. I'm Peter Venkman. May I help you?
Yes ... well ... I'm not sure. What I have to say may sound a little ... unusual.
We're all professionals here, Miss ...
... and then I opened the door again but it was gone. There was nothing there.
Why would anyone make up a thing like that?
Is that your professional opinion?
No, just that one word -- Zuul -- but I have no idea what it means.
Have you ever thought of moving out -- at least until this disturbance blows over?
You play the cello! It's my favorite instrument.
Really? Do you have a favorite piece?
I'd have to say Prokofiev's third concerto.
That's a violin concerto.
You really don't act like a scientist.
No? What do I act like?
Like a used car salesman.
That's too bad.
What?
Uh-huh.
Well, let's check it out.
You're quite a housekeeper.
I told you, I ...
Damn!
Are you all right?
There's nothing there now and I don't get any significant readings.
This is terrible. Either there's a monster in my kitchen or I'm completely crazy.
If it's any comfort to you, I don't think you're crazy.
Thanks. Coming from you that really means a lot to me.
I'm a qualified psychologist. I've got a degree and everything. I believe that something happened here and I want to do something about it.
All right. What do you want to do?
I think I should spend the night here.
That's it. Get out.
On a purely scientific basis.
Out!
I want to help you.
I'll scream.
Don't scream.
Then leave.
Okay, okay. But if anything else happens, you have to promise you'll call me.
All right.
Okay. Then I'll go.
Goodbye.
Great rehearsal.
You heard it?
You're the best one in your row.
Most people can't hear me with the whole orchestra playing. You're good.
I don't have to take abuse from you. I have other people dying to give it to me.
I know. You're quite a celebrity these days. Are you here because you have info ... about my case?
Who's the stiff?
The "stiff?" He happens to be one of the finest musicians in the world and a wonderful man.
He is a very close friend. Do you have some explanation of what happened in my apartment?
Yes, but I have to tell you in private at a fine restaurant.
Can't you tell me now?
I'll cancel the reservation, I found the name "Zuul" in ... The Roylance Guide to Secret Societies and Sects. I don't suppose you've read it.
You must have gotten the last copy.
Well, the name Zuul refers to a demi-god worshipped around 6000 B.C. by the ... What's that say?
Hittites, the Mesopotamians and the Sumerians. "Zuul was the Minion of Gozer."
"Gozer" -- he was very big in the Sumerian religion. One of their gods.
What's he doing in my refrigerator.
I'm checking on that. I think we should meet Thursday night at nine to talk about it.
I don't think so. I'm busy Thursday night.
You think I enjoy giving up my evenings to spend time with clients? I'm making an exception because I respect you as an artist and as a dresser.
All right. Since you put it that way.
I'll pick you up at your place. I'll bring along the Roylance Guide -- we can read after we eat.
Hey, Dana. What is it? What happened?
We must prepare for the coming of Gozer.
Okay, I'll help you. Should we make some dip or something?
He is the Destructor.
Do you want this body?
Well, I'll just use it for a while and get it right back to you.
Actually, it's more of a policy than a rule.
I want you inside me.
I don't know. You've got two people in there already. It could get a little crowded. I want you to close your eyes and relax. Now I'm going to speak to Dana and I want Dana to answer.
I am Zuul. I am ...
Right ... You're the Gatekeeper. But I want Dana. Dana, speak to me ...
There is no Dana. I am Zuul.
Nothing! We just got rid of that thing in your kitchen.
Really! Is it gone?
Yeah, along with most of your furniture and a lot of your personal possessions. This one took some work.
This is going to cost you, you know. Our fees are ridiculously high.
I trust you're moving us to a better space somewhere on campus.
No, we're moving you OFF CAMPUS. The Board of Regents has decided to terminate your grant. You are to vacate these premises immediately.
This is preposterous! I demand an explanation.
Fine. This University will no longer continue any funding of any kind for your group's activities.
But why? The students love us!
Dr. Venkman, we believe that the purpose of science is to serve mankind. You, however, seem to regard science as some kind of "dodge" or "hustle." Your theories are the worst kind of popular tripe, your methods are sloppy and your conclusions are highly questionable. You're a poor scientist, Dr. Venkman, and you have no place in this department or in this University.
That is one speedy mutt.
He's a big one. You don't want to mess with that particular breed.
Well, that definitely looks like marshmallow to me.
Yeah, it's some kind of mallow-type substance - that's for sure.
You have to wonder why anybody would dump a marshmallow that size right in the middle of the street.
I wonder if there might not be a very large cup of hot chocolate somewhere in the area.
Hello, I'm Roger Delacorte - the Head Librarian. Are you the men from the University?
Yes. I'm Dr. Venkman and this is Dr. Stantz.
Thank you for coming. I'd appreciate it if we could take care of this quickly and quietly.
What's that got to do with it?
Did you see it? What was it?
You're very handy, I can tell. I bet you like to read a lot, too.
Print is dead.
That's very fascinating to me. I read a lot myself. Some people think I'm too intellectual. But I think reading is a fabulous way to spend your spare time. I also play racketball. Do you ever play?
Is that a game?
It's a great game! You should play sometime. I bet you'd be good. You seem very athletic. Do you have any hobbies?
I collect spores, molds and fungus.
Oh, that's very - unusual.
I think it's the food of the future.
Egon, there's something very strange about that man. I'm very psychic usually and right now I have this terrible feeling that something awful is going to happen to you. I'm afraid you're going to die.
Die in what sense?
In the physical sense.
I don't care. I see us as tiny parts of a vast organism, like two bacteria living on a rotting speck of dust floating in an infinite void.
I want you to have this.
What is it?
It's a souvenir from the 1964 World's Fair at Flushing Meadow. It's my lucky coin.
I don't believe in luck.
Keep it anyway. I have another one at home.
Why don't you step into the office and we'll talk about it. Hold all my calls, Janine.
Here's the paper on the Brooklyn job. She paid with a Visa card.
And someone from the EPA is here to see you.
The EPA? What's he want?
I didn't ask him. All I know is that I haven't had a break in two weeks and you promised you'd hire more help.
Janine, I'm sure a woman with your qualifications would have no trouble finding a top flight job in the housekeeping or food service industry.
Thank you for coming so quickly. The guests are starting to ask questions and I'm running out of excuses.
Has this ever happened before?
Well, most of the original staff knows about the twelfth floor ... The disturbances, I mean ... But it's been quiet for years ... Up until two weeks ago ... It was never ever this bad, though.
Did you ever report it to anyone?
Heavens, no! The owners don't like us to even talk about it. I hoped we could take care of this quietly tonight.
Can I help you?
I'm Walter Peck. I represent the Environmental Protection Agency, Third District.
Great! How's it going?
Are you Peter Venkman?
Exactly what are you a doctor of, Mr. Venkman?
I have Ph.D's in psychology and parapsychology.
I see. And now you catch ghosts?
You could say that.
And how many ghosts have you caught, Mr. Venkman?
I'm not at liberty to say.
And where do you put these ghosts once you catch them?
In a storage facility.
And would this storage facility be located on these premises?
Yes, it would.
And may I see this storage facility?
No, you may not.
And why not, Mr. Venkman?
Because you didn't say the magic word.
And what is the magic word, Mr. Venkman?
May I please see the storage facility?
Why do you want to see it?
Well, because I'm curious. I want to know more about what you do here. Frankly, there have been a lot of wild stories in the media and we want to assess any possible environmental impact from your operation. For instance, the storage of noxious, possibly hazardous waste materials in your basement. Now either you show me what's down there or I come back with
Go ahead! Get a court order. Then I'm gonna sue your ass off for wrongful prosecution.
Have it your way, Mr. Venkman.
At ease, Officers. I'm Peter Venkman. I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding here and I want to cooperate in every way I can.
You turned off the power! Look, there was another man here ... You have to find him and bring him back. A short determined-looking guy with the eyes of a happy zombie.
The man is a psychopath, Your Honor.
Mr. Mayor, it's a pretty simple choice. You can believe Mr. Pecker here ...
That's "Peck!"
All right. What is it?
A square?
Circle?
Nervous?
Yes. I don't like this.
Well, just 75 more to go. What's this one?
Two wavy lines?
Hey! I'm getting a little tired of this.
You volunteered, didn't you? Aren't we paying you for this?
Yeah, but I didn't know you were going to give me electric shocks. What are you trying to prove?
I'm studying the effect of negative reinforcement on ESP ability.
I'll tell you the effect! It pisses me off!
Hey, Mister! Can I see those guns?
They're not guns. They're particle throwers.
Yeah, yeah. I just want to see 'em.
Wait! Wait! Let me ask you something. If you like shot Superman with those guns, would he feel it or what?
On Earth -- no. But on Krypton we could slice him up like Oscar Mayer Bologna.
Yes?
Were you recently in the bathroom?
What on earth gave you that idea?
The wet towels, residual moisture on your lower limbs and hair, the redness in your cheeks indicating ...
You're a regular Sherlock Holmes. Now what do you want?
Oh! You're here.
What have you got, Egon?
Oh, this is big, Peter. This is very big. There's definitely something here.
Spengler, are you serious about actually catching a ghost?
I'm always serious.
Just for your information, Ray, the interest payments alone for the first five years come to over $75,000.
Generally, you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance. What do you think, Egon?
Did you see anything?
Something was definitely here.
Wait! Wait! There's something I forgot to tell you.
What?
Don't cross the beams.
Why not?
Trust me. It will be bad.
What do you mean "bad?"
It's Peter, Egon. I've got a problem.
What is it?
I'm with Dana Barrett and she's floating three feet off the bed.
Does she want to be?
I don't think so. It's more of that Gozer thing. She says she's the Gatekeeper. Does that make any sense to you?
Some. I just met the Keymaster. He's here with me now. Venkman? Are you there?
Yeah, yeah. I was just thinking. It probably wouldn't be a good idea for them to get together at this point.
I agree.
All right. I'll try.
I'll spend the night here and get back first thing in the morning.
He wants to shut down the storage grid.
Where's the Keymaster?
Of course! Ivo Shandor, I saw his name in Tobin's SPIRIT GUIDE. He started a secret society in 1920.
Let me guess -- Gozer Worshippers.
Yes. After the First World War Shandor decided that society was too sick to survive. And he wasn't alone. He had close to a thousand followers when he died. They conducted rituals, bizarre rituals, intended to bring about the end of the world.
She said he was "the Destructor."
Who?
Gozer.
You talked to Gozer?
What now?
On the count of three! One ... Two ...
No! You said crossing the beams would be BAD. It'll kill her! And us!
Life is just a state of mind.
You know, Peter, this could be a past life experience intruding on the present.
I just realized something. We've never had a completely successful test with any of the equipment.
Sorry, Buddy!
Ray! Where are you? Are you all right?
It's working!
Set entry grid.
I've got to sleep.
I need two new purge valves. How's the grid around the storage facility holding up?
What happened??!!!?
Look at the structure of the roof cap. It looks exactly like the kind of telemetry tracker NASA uses to identify dead pulsars in other galaxies.
You mean if I stand here and concentrate on the image of Roberto Clemente, Gozer will appear as Roberto Clemente and wipe us out?
Excuse me for a minute. Ray, I'm right in the middle of something here. Can you come back in about an hour?
Peter, at 1:40 this afternoon at the main branch of the New York Public Library on Fifth Avenue, ten people witnessed a free-roaming, vaporous, full-torso apparition. It blew books from shelves at twenty feet away. Scared the socks off some poor librarian.
Sure. That's great, Ray. I think you should get down there right away and check it out. Let me know what happens.
Spengler and I have charted every psychic occurrence in the Tri-State area for the past two years. The graph we came up with definitely points to something big.
Ray, as your friend I have to tell you I think you've really gone around the bend on this ghost stuff. You've been running your ass off for two years checking out every schizo in the Five Boroughs who thinks he's had an experience. And what have you seen?
What do you mean by "seen?"
Looked at with your eyes.
Well, I was at an unexplained multiple high-altitude rockfall once.
What is it?
I told you it's real.
What do we do now?
I don't know. Talk to it.
What do I say?
Anything! Just make contact.
Hey, Lady? Lady! Can you talk? Who are you? This is not working. Think of something else.
"Get her?" That was your whole plan? You call that science?
I guess I got a little overexcited. Wasn't it incredible! I'm telling you, this is a first. You know what this could mean to the University?
If you guys are right, if we can actually trap a ghost and hold it somehow, I think I could win the Nobel Prize.
If anyone deserves it, it's Spengler and me. We're doing all the hard research and designing the equipment.
You said you floored 'em at the Regents' meeting.
This is like a major disgrace. Forget M.I.T. or Stanford now ... they wouldn't touch us with a three-meter cattle prod.
You're always so worried about your reputation. We don't need the University. Einstein did his best stuff while he was working as a patent clerk.'They can't stop progress.
Do you know what a patent clerk makes? I liked the University. They gave us money, they gave us the facilities and we didn't have to produce anything! I've worked in the private sector. They expect results. You've never been out of college. You don't know what it's like out there.
Let me tell you, Ray, everything in life happens for a reason. Call it fate, call it luck, Karma, whatever. I think we were destined to get kicked out of there.
For what purpose?
You'll never regret this, Ray.
My parents left me that house, I was born there.
You're not going to lose the house. Everybody has three mortgages these days.
But most people are afraid to even report these things.
Wow! Does this pole still work?
Everybody can relax. I found the car. How do you like it?
Do you think it's wide enough? How much?
Why don't I check out the building? It may have a history of psychic turbulence.
How was your date?
They will.
So do I.
No sense worrying about it now.
I'm getting high readings near the air vents. It must be using the duct system to get around. See, I told you we'd get something.
So far all we got is a shit smell on the twelfth floor and we almost fried a Puerto Rican bellboy.
Ray -- Something's here.
Where are you, Pete?
Third floor. Get down here,
Sit tight. I'm on my way.
It's here, Ray. It's looking at me.
Don't move. It won't hurt you.
How do you know?
Boy, that was a rough one.
Egon, how's the grid around the storage facility holding up?
I guess they don't build them like they used to, huh?
No! Nobody ever built them like this! The architect was either an authentic whacko or a certified genius. The whole building is like a huge antenna for pulling in and concentrating psychokinetic energy.
Who was the architect?
It doesn't seem to have slowed him down any.
As a duly-constituted representative of the City of New York, and on behalf of the County and State of New York, the United States of America, the Planet Earth and all its inhabitants, I hereby order you to cease and desist any and all supernatural activity and return at once to your place of origin or next parallel dimension.
Agile bastard, isn't he?
I couldn't help it! It just popped in there!
What? What popped in there?
AND YOU CAME UP WITH THAT?
The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man! He was on all the packages we used to buy when I was a kid. We used to roast Stay-Puft marshmallows at Camp Waconda!
Very impressive resume. Electronic countermeasures, Strategic Air Command ... Black belt in Karate ... Small arms expert ... Mr. Zeddemore, as you may have heard, we locate ghosts and spirits, trap them with streams of concentrated quantum energy and remove them from people's homes, offices and places of worship.
Hey man. What is it you're so involved with there?
Uh ... Oh these are blueprints of the structural ironwork in Dana Barrett's apartment building ... And they're most unusual.
Are you a Christian, Ray?
Mmmhmmm.
Me, too.
Boy! Solid cores of shielded Selenium .325.
Do you believe in God?
No. But I liked Jesus' style.
Me, too. Parts of the Bible are great.
The whole roof cap was fabricated with a magnesium-tungsten alloy.
Ray, do you remember something in the Bible about a day when the dead would rise up from their graves?
And the seas would boil ...
Right. And the sky would fall ...
Judgement Day ...
Yeah, Judgement Day.
Every ancient religion had its own myth about the end of the world.
You don't have to worry about that with us, sir.
Stantz? You okay in there?
What's he talking about? Choose what?
Where are we now, Commodus? Can you see the camp? My Gods! The air is turning into ice!
We're nearly there, Lucilla.
That's what you told me two days ago!
Will you please get back in your wagon? And stay there?
More wine, sister? Surely you can drink more than that.
I was suddenly thinking about going to bed.
Quite so. Narcissus and his courageous men; may they live long to serve Rome...
Don't you think you should at least wave?
They hate me, they really hate me don't they?
I should at least have you, don't you think?
Did Narcissus die today? Wasn't this his day to die?
No one in Rome has ever heard of him. Do you want to remind those few in the Senate who have? The whole sordid thing is far beneath your position to begin with. Forget about him.
Those are priceless sculptures.
It's disgusting! Animals! I had to come here under armed guard. Slaves -- get this junk out of my sight.
How about in the forum. Right in front of the Senate.
If I may be so bold...
For the gods, spit it out!
Kill him! Tribuus -- execute that bastard.
Tribuus... tomorrow.
You're coming back?
Where have you been?
Taking my pleasure. Do I need to clear my lovers with you?
You must start clearing everything with me -- especially your lovers.
Why are you so surly -- you've won, brother. The people have bread and the city is quiet.
What is that... wailing?
Now that is a happy sound! Tomorrow, I want the citizens -- my people -- back in the arena. The Gods know, I'm tired. Come to bed, now; tonight we're celebrating.
What are you talking about?
Now that we're done with that infatuation forever.
If I ever loved Narcissus it wasn't like you want.
"... encased in the armor of a demigod, Narcissus The Good continues his impossible climb in the arena where he was unjustly cast..."
Yes? Go on!
Tell Lykas to send a retiarius and a Samnite to help Tiger.
You can't do that... listen to the mood of the crowd.
I want that bastard dead!
You want control of the crowd -- you can't get it by killing their hero.
I am their hero!
Not yet, dear brother...
Lykas, pick a man. Someone who will look good. Jerses I want it built up in the Daily Action...
Damn him! I should have killed him on the front -- I let you talk me out of that.
You would have had a full scale revolt on your hands.
Welcome back from your great triumph Narcissus Meridas. My father sends his heart felt praise. Sadly, Marcus is in dark humors -- nothing to worry about, but he needs rest. Likely just the weather.
Respectfully Caesar, Quintus and I must report.
Do you expect Marcus to be well enough by morning for an audience?
That's difficult to say, general.
Then you'd be out of a job.
Gladly Caesar.
I back Rome against all her enemies -- if that answer disappoints you, I'm not a politician...
I would say there's nothing more dangerous than a man who knows what 'right' is.
But they're not destroyed, not yet.
You and my father have become very close. Perhaps one day I may say the same for us.
You flatter me, Caesar.
Being as close, I'm certain you've noticed what we all have noticed.
Caesar?
I'm ordering a general stand-down in preparation for withdrawal back across the Danube.
Forgive me, Caesar, but do two Senator represent the mood of the whole Senate or the will of the Roman people? Besides, every truce we make with the Germans they break!
They won't break this one.
Where is my family?
Cooperate and they will be returned to your estate. I could have executed you.
The army is a problem. They love you. You have led them from victory to victory in the name of Rome and they love you. And after all, you're just a hothead acting from a misguided sense of loyalty -- who could fault you for that? Thus have I reached a compromise with the Senate over your fate: instead of executing you, I'm sending
Endorse me in public. Do that and I'll make you rich and set you free. I'll return your estates. I know you would give anything to be outside again. Endorse me and you will be free. Think of it. What would you do with your freedom?
Insubordination. To the Emperor... and the Senate.
The Senate is out to sink you. I swear it, Caesar, your generosity is being repaid with public attacks on your honor. Your enemies want you weak enough so by the first of Janus when you must be confirmed the Senate will be able to deny you.
Caesar, ignore them.
Ignore that?! The sooner we leave this disgusting place the better.
Gods of hell! This must cost a fortune! How many days is this going to go on?
And like children everywhere they scream "freedom" the most when they desire it least. I beg you, please continue, Caesar.
Throw it down into the streets! Down into the Forum. If it's my father they want then give him to them!
Yes. You know, that's not a bad idea.
Maybe it'll crush Gaius.
I'm serious.
So am I.
We can crush Gaius another way. What if you do throw something to the people they really want? Make them a gift of food.
Give away food?
Sacks of grain, even bread. I own the grain licenses for the military, I can arrange to divert a shipment bound for the army of the Danube.
Take grain away from the army?
Caesar, let me sponsor your first wager in the arena.
Gladly, Caesar. And, if you'd like we can take you for a tour of the front at first light.
Marcus Aurelius has died.
We must obey our emperor and the Senate.
This is the only place in Rome where I thought -- I believed -- I was wholly in power.
It's because he comes off as the underdog.
Underdog! How can he be an underdog -- he wins all the time! I'm the emperor why can't I kill him? He could be poisoned, or somehow killed to look like an accident.
Where is my father?
Tribuus, what happened in the arena? Was Narcissus killed?
Why isn't he dead? Damn you, you promised me he would be dead!
Yes, Caesar?
Tribuus! Go left here, I want to see my new statue at Via Claudia.
Yes, Caesar.
You won an impossible fight. You got the attention of the crowd, legate...
This is Cos, this precocious young man. A scribe for the Daily Action. I've invited him to write a small piece about you...
"Caesar Commodus discovering his lineage converges with the Demigod, Hercules, has determined to display his magnificence before his beloved citizens." The Emperor's going to fight in the arena. I'm supposed to write this for tomorrow's edition.
Cos, what in hades is the emperor up to? And don't tell me you don't know!
I don't know...
AGH! Please! He's having a secret device constructed for the circus. The brass craftsmen are working overtime.
I'll nose around...
So tell me, what happened between you and the emperor? What really happened on the German front? You know the Senate's arguing your case...
That's their job, isn't it? To argue. So, I think my case will be long on talk and short on action.
My birth sign is Water Bearer, twenty-fifth day in the month of Janus.
The Emperor and I are bound by the threads of The Fates. He was born on August thirty-first, you know.
That makes his birth sign... Virgo! Why that's the sign of a little girl! Can you tell my readers more about your star-crossed connection with Emperor Commodus?
It's time for you to tell the Citizens that Commodus stole the money allocated for defending the German border. It's time to tell the citizens everything. Will you write it?
The battle was won, today, and I prefer to believe it was a gift of Janus, the eldest God of Rome. God of my ancestors.
God of passages and changes?
I believe we are arriving in an enlightened age; an age of peace that will bring Rome her greatest glory. Thanks to Marcus Aurelius.
You know, general, there is a Gate of Janus in Rome which is only closed in time of peace. Sadly, it has remained open for three hundred years.
I've read of it.
But have never been?
I would venture, with all respect: the Emperor's health is the business of every soul in the empire.
A republican is a man who strives to create equality among all classes. At the core he's a man who believes in doing what's right.
The trouble is defining exactly what 'right' is.
The Senate too?
The moment you returned from the battle your options were clear. If you are a friend to neither side, legate, you must be an enemy to both. We needed to know what you believed.
Who are you? Narcissus The Good? I have heard of Narcissus Meridas. That's who I hear you are.
You're hearing about somebody else.
How did you get condemned to the arena without a trial?
When the Senate and the Emperor agree miracles can happen.
Would you support the Senate if they would give you a trial? You'd have to give me your word.
I need to give you my word when yours is worth nothing?
You're a citizen and a soldier. Not a gladiator.
You on your way to trial, too, general? Or do you think they've already had our trial?
Why you?
My loyalties... were in doubt.
Fools to let us both live; we'll be our own best witnesses at our trial.
Is this Rome? Are we just going to be executed?
No future-telling, please, I've been terrified enough for one day.
You know our two most senior Senators: Gaius Cantus and Falco Verus?
I thought all good generals were quick to recognize opportunities.
Sneaking around with your brother?
Without him. He'd be weeping if he overheard that. Well? The idea of you as my adopted brother is very... exciting.
I'm not fit for the job and as a matter of fact I'm not taking the job.
Why do you keep playing at being so humble? It's a little embarrassing.
Why do you play at being drunk?
How do you know I am playing? Well, the clown is always harmless. Isn't that right? And how did you ever get to know me so well? The last we spent any time together I was fourteen. I think you know me better than my father. He's going to die, isn't he?
I don't believe that. He's got the best doctor in the world and a will of iron. You know we're preparing for a full-blown invasion of Germany.
It's my brother's neck you want, not mine.
I came here to see that you stay alive. The people need a living breathing alternative to Commodus, a hero.
You mean a symbol of someone who doesn't exist.
Twenty years I've led men to die. For me it was the glory of Rome. But that was something. If it wasn't that, then it was the pay or the loot of the next whore -- but that was something! These men here are butchered for laughs! Their lives are like jokes delivered in the back alley theaters where their death is a punch
To think I brought my daughters up on all things Roman. Read to sleep on Catullus, Lucretius... Virgil... every night. My beautiful daughters.
"If you consider yourself to be only one thread of many in the tunic, then it is fitting for you to be like the rest of men, just as the thread has no desire to be any better than the other threads. But..."
You cannot die.
Would that Marcus had lived.
Marcus would have lived but... was poisoned by his son.
He killed his father and then my family...
Where are they?
Commodus, it's we who are going on the offensive.
The fort helps position us for a final invasion in the spring when they're most vulnerable.
I want you to start your work for the last phase of the campaign.
I will, Marcus. But you're going to be well enough to direct it yourself.
I've made so many mistakes, Narcissus. We all put off the very last duties of our lives because we're afraid of admitting when our lives are over.
There's no reason to say that. Everyone knows you're going to be well. I had Servis groom your horse for a triumphal visit to the front at first light.
Servis made it through again?
If I'd ever had a sign that you wanted to rule I would have... no, again, it's my own bullheadedness. Narcissus, I should have adopted you years ago. And now the Gods are begging me to make you my son!
Commodus is just a young man, he'll learn what you had to learn.
It's not because he's young, it's because he's ignorant and arrogant. His sister is a better man. That's why I have undertaken to begin sweeping changes in the relationship between the emperor and the Senate.
So I understand.
Everyone talking about it? I wouldn't wonder. All I seek is a genuine balance of power between the Emperor and the Senate. Thus I have transferred legal power -- which was theirs to begin with -- back to the Senators. This includes a shared right to taxation too but some bite in the plan. It's a start, only a start. If the Emperor and
You're too hard on him. He is a strong young man, with you as his guide...
A man should be upright, not be kept upright. History shows us that a good general is quick to recognize opportunities -- even if it means making a complete about face at the last minute. I want you to consider becoming my heir.
Marcus, you honor me, but I'm a soldier, politics scare the hell out of me.
The Senators admire you.
They fear me.
They fear change. The new Caesar must be honest enough to know when the emperorship is no longer feasible. You could be the one, the Emperor, the man who oversees the rebirth of the Republic.
I made the plume from a quail feather.
Don't stop to visit -- take the children straight home and I'll follow as soon as I can.
Tomorrow?
As soon as I can.
On your honor as a Roman officer, daddy?
I see the emperor's little boy has finally caught up with the army.
What the hell was all that about?
What the hell do you think it was about? There's nothing an unproved heir to the throne likes less than glaring competence in others.
Why don't we try to keep politics out of the conversation.
Serious stuff...
Everyone knew you would have been outspoken against this deal.
What deal?
Rome is going to pay tribute -- like a defeated nation begging for mercy? Have you told your troops that?
My troops don't make policy.
On his death bed I promised Marcus I would complete our work here. The Senate may be vacillating, but I have the army behind me. I'm taking half a cohort and restocking that fort.
You brought the army into Rome.
I was summoned.
It's your job as a Roman officer to disobey such a summons.
It's my job to keep my job. And that, by the way, is now head of Praetorian Guard. Good ole Tribuus has been retired.
Quintus, you've got at least a division with you -- we could take Rome away from Commodus and give it back to the Senate!
You seem to be doing a great job of it single-hand! Narcissus, the Republic is dead. You think those Senators could govern? For the last hundred and fifty years they've worked hard at kissing an endless succession of Imperial asses!
Then give the empire back to the people... the children who will grow up to become senators...
What are you fighting for in here? The good of Rome? I can end this madness now! Take the job for the sake of the Gods, live!
He's very realistic.
Well, you wanted the girls to have the best teachers.
Greeks?
What about their philosophy lessons?
They're studying with Cynics.
You need to come home!
I can see that...
The battle is over. The war is over. You've won!
This is our oil from our estates?
Very fancy. Did you design the bottle?
Who else? I'm the one who runs the estates while you're here risking everything we have for the glory of Rome! Or for the glory of you!
I'm a soldier -- we're at war. I can't stay home tending the damned olive groves?
I want to come home, of course I do, I'd have to be mad not to want that. It's just that Marcus trusts me.
Let him trust Quintus.
Quintus is overly idealistic.
I never knew a more idealistic man than you.
Me? Well, I believe in Rome... you'd have to after what I've seen, how people outside the empire treat each other.
I don't even want to imagine the things you've seen...
When you get to Ostia, use this -- bribe passage to Africa or Spain. Save my family. You should be able to find a merchant ship that will take you to Egypt then to Numidia.
You're not going! You have to stay with us!
How long do you think Commodus will let us live once he's in power? A month? Half a year? Paestum will be a prison where he'll hold us until it's time...
Narcissus!
Do you want to see Themis and Manto butchered? If I die fighting Commodus he won't care about you. If I live I'll come and get you.
I'll never die. You tell the girls that. You honor our ancestors and I'll be there. Every night. At the table of life.
Your daughters need more than some vapors; they need you!
They'll have me. Teach them. Don't let them become like these ignorant heaps of citizens without history, without philosophy, without meaning. Teach them of the Greeks, the Babylonians, the Hebrews, the Numidians, the Egyptians and the great Romans. Teach them, who we are!
You teach them!
You're a legate in the Roman army. Huh...? and you act like one. What was your crime?
I killed too many barbarians.
Who the hell are you?
I am the man who might save your life -- give you a bit more life at any rate. I am Proximo Palindromos head of this gladiatorial school which is named after me. I own this school and everything that's in it. You're in it! But why? What did a Roman general do to get himself condemned to the Colosseum? Understand, we usually get
Condemned? Aren't I owed a trial before being condemned?
General, all I know is you have been condemned to the Colosseum, and a trial is nowhere to be seen.
Thank you. What is going to happen tomorrow? Exactly?
You are to be killed, exactly. They'll give you a sporting chance, but just enough to make your murder... entertaining. Romans like to mix their metaphors: laughter with their executions, you know? If you survive, though, you will become a gladiator. A gladiator at least gets a fair fight.
Death is a very light thing for you.
Take your hands off me animal!
Sorry but I have to get at least one fight out of you otherwise I won't even get back the cost of the bribe I had to pay the arena slaves to get you here. I know what you're trying to do: kill yourself and trust in the Roman tradition of justice that the emperor will let your family survive and keep their lands.
I refuse to be your slave. I refuse --
Legate Narcissus Meridas, general of the Spanish Felix Legions! I'm proud to have you in my school! Now, show them what you can do!
I'm not a gladiator. I refuse to fight.
General, do you realize what happened out there today?
I didn't get killed and everyone else did.
At the end of the day I was approached by the Golden Pompeii Olive Oil company. Small, but profitable. They asked if you would endorse their oil. We could get some very nice posters. Make some very big money...
What would the poster say: "Narcissus would kill for a taste of Golden Pompeii Olive Oil?"
General, hang on... drink slowly. You are blessed by the Gods to have a physician and a Divine of Janus with you tonight. A fan sent them to you.
Proximo, if this is her doctor he's an assassin.
It will be good luck for you to wear that helmet... It belonged to Cimon of Smyrna... he was crushed by an elephant.
No more bad luck now! The people are anticipating you! I have posters up over half the city advertising you as the great warrior -- the true Roman! The man who fought side by side with the wolf of Rome!
Tiger's challenged you and Jerses has made me an offer, made us both an offer: you take a fall.
You put this inside your shirt -- when Tiger stabs your stomach -- it's full of pig's blood. Gushes out everywhere! It's really impressive. Fantastic! Better than the real thing!
So I pretend I'm dead. You get gold, what do I get?
You get to come alive again in the country!
As, what, 'The Galloping Gladiator?!'
The point is you get to fight the easy country circuit, the small arenas, relax, live the good life!
Spend my days beheading country bumpkins? I don't know, Proximo, who has better wine than you? Besides, I'm beginning to think of the Colosseum as my home.
But -- you have to go out there! I'll give you more than your one third! When I get paid... just take the fall! You're too hurt to fight and the man's a killer!
Pressures on, eh Proximo? There's got to be a load of money in this. Why else would you toss a red hot commodity like me out the window?
Tell me honestly, since this may be our last earthly meeting: if this were a fair fight where would you put your money?
On you! Of course! You are my bravest fighter -- the best fighter I have ever seen!
Such nobility from such an ignoble mouth. Take my advice and make that bet.
How much money is involved?
A great deal. They designed and build Tiger's chariot...
They want to dump Tiger and have me endorse their damned chariot, right? They don't waste time...
I can really rape them on this! Can I at least tell them you'll think about it?
No. Tell them I'll do it. But I want more posters all over Rome.
Fantastic! Wonderful! But posters are very expensive.
Then get a large cash advance.
Right, right... But they'll have to bring in a lawyer. I don't want to get sued over this.
Before they leave, get gold.
Right, right, what am I thinking of?
I want another interview with Cos. Tell him to bring plenty of ink.
So, things change. The government has moved to the circus. You're going to fight last. And Commodus is going to fight first.
You were a soldier, and then a gladiator, weren't you?
Let's talk about this later. Right now we have other things to settle. You and your family will be leaving with a supply ship returning in the morning to Ostia. From there, Caesar has decreed you be given an estate in Paestum. It's beautiful; an old Greek town right on the ocean. Rich soil. Perhaps we could keep our financial arrangements... although Caesar will
I want nothing to do with the arena.
Commodus must hate you. Free your gladiators and come with us.
Hello.
You're living at home now. Is that right?
Yes.
Do you know what you're going to do?
No.
Are you going to graduate school?
Do you always drive like this?
Do you want some dinner?
Aren't you eating?
No.
Why not?
Benjamin -- do you dislike me for some reason?
No -- why should I?
Could you do it?
Will you take me home now?
I'm sorry I took you in there.
I think I'd better go home now please.
But, Elaine --
Where is the car?
I want to go home.
But could I just tell you this one thing?
What?
This whole idea -- this date and everything. It was my parents' idea. They forced me into it.
Oh -- that's very nice of you to tell me.
Listen -- could you stop crying, please?
No, I couldn't.
But could you try?
I've had this feeling -- ever since I've graduated -- this -- kind of compulsion that I have to be rude all the time. Do you know what I mean?
Would you like to come in? I could make some coffee.
No, I mean -- I wouldn't want to wake anyone up.
We won't. Let's go inside.
Wait a minute.
Is anything wrong?
No -- I was just thinking -- look -- it's still early -- we could do something -- go somewhere else.
Where we going?
I'm trying to think of where there's a place to have a drink around here.
What is the matter?
Listen, Elaine -- it seems to me that there isn't a bar in here. I mean -- as far as I know.
Benjamin --
Let's get out of here, Elaine. Let's go somewhere else.
Benjamin -- do they know you?
Ben -- what's happening? Who is Mr. Gladstone?
Do you?
Yes.
I'm sorry. That is not my business.
Was she married or something?
Yes.
With a family?
Yes. She had a husband and a son.
Did they ever find out?
No.
And it's all over now.
Yes.
All right.
During the day? We'll go for a drive or something.
Okay.
You sure you really want to?
Yes.
Because I wouldn't want you to do it unless you really wanted to!
I do.
You do?
What's the matter?
You've got to go over the back fence and I'll meet you on the corner.
Benjamin -- what's happening?
Why aren't you ready?
What is it?
That woman --
What?
That woman. The older woman.
You mean the one who --
Elaine --
No -- don't cry --
GET OUT!
Don't cry.
I'm meeting someone.
Where are you meeting this person?
At the Zoo.
The Zoo. They have a pretty good one here, do they?
I've never been to it.
Is that him over there?
No.
Where did he say he was going to meet you?
I thought he said by the monkey house.
Benjamin -- I would like to know what you're doing here.
Here? In Berkeley?
Yes.
Well, I have this very pleasant room on Carter Street -- and I've been getting to some classes --
But you're not enrolled.
Benjamin -- you're -- I don't know what to say -- you're --
Maybe we could get together some time and talk about it.
-- really incredible --
Here he comes.
What?
I want to ask you a question.
Come in.
No. I want to know why you're here in Berkeley?
Because -- I am.
Is it because I'm here?
What do you think?
I said I think it is.
All right then! Yes!
Well, I want you to leave.
Elaine -- I love you.
Do you just hate everything? How could you possibly rape my...
What?
I don't understand --
Did you say rape her?
-- how you -- how anyone -- could do a thing like that.
What did she say?
Let me go.
Why?
Because it isn't true.
She said she was having a drink in the hotel with a friend. You waited for her in the parking lot and told her she was too drunk to drive home and that you would get her a room for the night.
Then what?
Then you took her upstairs and you raped her.
Please let me go.
Don't tell me --
-- and when we got up in the room she starts taking her her clothes off -- and --
Benjamin -- this is my mother!
Benjamin, when you came up here, what did you think was going to happen between us?
Can I just sit here while you're packing?
What are you looking for?
My belt.
Don't you have it on?
No. I have two. The other one is the one I'm looking for. What's this? It's from my grandmother.
The marble?
The belt I'm looking for was from my grandmother.
What are you going to do now?
Are you going home?
No.
I don't want you to leave tomorrow.
I don't understand.
I don't want you to go anywhere until you have a definite plan.
But Elaine --
Benjamin?
What?
You won't?
I don't know.
But you might.
I might.
Is that so? You might marry me?
Yes.
When?
I don't know.
How about tomorrow? I don't mean to be pushy but --
I don't know. I don't know what's happening.
Well -- look -- don't be confused. We're getting married.
I don't see how we can.
We just can.
Elaine -- are you serious about this?
I'll think about it.
You really will?
We could go down and get our blood tests tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Or this afternoon. It's a good day for it.
Benjamin -- I haven't even said I'll marry you yet.
I just don't think it would work.
Why wouldn't it?
Why don't you just drag me off if you want to marry me so much?
Why don't I just drag you off? All right -- I will. Right after we get the blood tests.
Well -- I have to see Carl first.
Carl who?
Carl Smith. He's a medical student. We've known him for years.
Who -- that guy at the Zoo?
Yes.
Why do you have to see him?
How did he do it? Did he get down on his knees? He didn't get down on his knees, I hope.
No, Benjamin.
Well, what did he say? I'm curious.
He said he thought we'd make a pretty good team.
Oh no. He said that.
Shhhh.
Are we getting married tomorrow?
No.
The day after tomorrow?
Benjamin?
657-2036
Hello -- who is this?
This is Dr. Smith's answering service.
Is the doctor anywhere?
Well -- you see -- the doctor is at his son's wedding, but I'm sure it's over by now. He should be checking in any moment --
Oh. Well -- I'm not sure -- but you might try the First Presbyterian. That's on Allan Street.
Thank you.
Ben!
Excuse me. Mr. McQuire.
Ben.
Ben -- I just want to say one word to you -- just one word --
Yes, sir.
Are you listening?
Yes I am.
Exactly how do you mean?
There is a great future in plastics. Think about it. Will you think about it?
Yes, I will.
You a student?
What's that?
I said -- not exactly -- no.
What are you then?
I like to know who's living in my house. I like to know what my boys are up to.
You're not one of those agitators?
What?
One of those outside agitators.
Oh -- no sir.
Oh -- hello, Mr. McCleery.
Who screamed?
It's all right, Mr. McCleery.
Screaming isn't all right. Not in my house it isn't.
What did you do to her?
See -- she's just having some water. Now there's no need for the cops or anything.
All right, boys -- I think you can get back to your rooms. I don't think we'll have any more of this agitation. Will we, Braddock?
Mr. McCleery?
You heard me. Out of here.
What for?
Mr. McCleery -- do you have some change? I need to use the phone?
I want you out of here.
Look -- I'll give you ten dollars for a dime -- I'll give you twenty -- for God's sake, will you let me use that phone?
I am going to call the police now.
Could I make one phone call first?
BENJAMIN?
Yes.
Will you bring up my purse before you go?
Mrs. Robinson?
I'm in the bathroom.
Well here's the purse.
Could you bring it up?
Come to the railing and I'll hand it up.
I'm putting it on the top step.
I'm putting it here by the door.
Will you bring it in to me?
I'd rather not.
All right. Put it in the room where we were.
Hello.
Mrs. Robinson -- I don't quite know how to put this --
Benjamin?
Look -- I was thinking about that time after the party --
Where are you?
-- and I was wondering if I could buy you a drink or something --
Where are you?
Uh -- The Taft Hotel.
Did you get a room?
No. Now I know it's pretty late and if you'd rather --
Give me an hour.
What?
Can I help you, sir!
What?
The Singleman party, sir?
Oh -- yes. The Singleman party.
It's in the main ballroom.
Yes sir?
A room. I'd like a room, please.
A single room or a double room?
A single. Just for myself, please.
Is anything wrong, sir?
What? No. Nothing.
Do you have any luggage, Mister -- Gladstone?
Luggage? Yes. Yes. I do.
Where is it?
What?
Where is your luggage?
Well it's in the car. It's out in the car.
Very good, sir. I'll have a porter bring it in.
Oh no.
Sir?
I mean I'd -- I'd rather not go to the trouble of bringing it all in. I just have a toothbrush. I can get it myself. If that's all right.
I'll have a porter show you the room.
Oh. Well actually, I'd just as soon find it myself. I just have the toothbrush to carry up and I think I can manage it myself.
Oh. I guess this isn't the bathroom, is it?
How are you, Benjamin?
Is there an ashtray in here?
No.
Is it a girl?
Is what a girl?
Whatever it is you're upset about.
Oh -- no. I'm just sort of disturbed about things.
In general.
Benjamin, I want to ask you something.
What?
Will you take me home?
What?
You don't?
No.
Thank you.
Will you come in, please?
What?
I want you to come in till I get the lights on.
What for?
Would you mind walking ahead of me to the sun porch. I feel funny about coming into a dark house.
But it's light in there now.
What do you drink? Bourbon?
All right then.
Benjamin -- I'm sorry to be this way, but I don't want to be alone in this house.
Why not?
Please wait till my husband gets home.
When is he coming back?
Drink?
Are you always this much afraid of being alone?
Yes.
Well, why can't you just lock the doors and go to bed?
What do you think of me?
What do you mean?
You've known me nearly all of your life. You must have formed some opinion.
Well -- I've always thought that you were a very -- nice -- person.
Did you know I was an alcoholic?
What?
Did you know that?
Look -- I think I should be going --
Sit down, Benjamin.
Mrs. Robinson -- if you don't mind my saying so -- this conversation is getting a little strange. Now I'm sure that Mr. Robinson will be here any minute and --
No.
What?
Oh my God.
Pardon?
Oh no, Mrs. Robinson, oh no.
What's wrong?
Mrs. Robinson, you didn't -- I mean you didn't expect --
What?
I mean -- you didn't really think that I would do something like that.
Like what?
What do you think?
Well I don't know.
For God's sake, Mrs. Robinson, here we are, you've got me into your house. You give me a drink. You put on music, now you start opening up your personal life to me and tell me your husband won't be home for hours.
So?
Aren't you?
Why no. I hadn't thought of it. I feel rather flattered that you --
Mrs. Robinson, will you forgive me for what I just said?
It's all right.
It's not all right, it's the worst thing I've ever said to anyone.
Sit down.
Please forgive me. Because I like you. I don't think of you that way. But I'm mixed up.
All right. Now finish your drink.
Mrs. Robinson, it makes me sick that I said that to you.
We'll forget it right now. Finish your drink.
What is wrong with me?
Have you ever seen Elaine's portrait?
Her portrait?
Yes.
No.
We had it done last Christmas. Would you like to see it?
I don't remember her as having brown eyes.
Benjamin?
Yes?
I think I'll go to bed.
Oh. Well, goodnight.
Won't you unzip my dress?
I'd rather not, Mrs. Robinson.
If you still think I'm trying to seduce you --
No, I don't. But I just feel a little funny.
Benjamin -- you've known me all your life.
I know that. But I'm --
Thank you.
What are you so scared of?
I'm not scared, Mrs. Robinson.
Then why do you keep running away?
Haven't you ever seen anybody in a slip before?
But I just -- Look -- what if Mr. Robinson walked in right now?
What if he did?
Well, it would look pretty funny, wouldn't it?
Don't you think he trusts us together?
Of course he does. But he might get the wrong idea. Anyone might.
I don't see why. I'm twice as old as you are. How could anyone think --
But they would! Don't you see?
Benjamin -- I'm not trying to seduce you. I wish you'd --
I know that. But please, Mrs. Robinson. This is difficult for me.
Why is it?
Because I am confused about things. I can't tell what I'm imagining. I can't tell what's real. I can't --
Would you like me to seduce you?
What?
Is that what you're trying to tell me?
I really don't want to put this on again. Won't you bring it up?
Where is it?
Don't be nervous.
Get away from that door.
I want to say something first.
Jesus Christ!
Benjamin -- I want you to know I'm available to you. If you won't sleep with me this time --
Oh my God.
If you won't sleep with me this time, Benjamin, I want you to know you can call me up any time you want and we'll make some kind of arrangement.
Let me out!
Do you understand what I said?
Yes. Yes. Let me out!
Yes, I do.
Benjamin?
Yes.
Hello, Benjamin.
May I sit down?
How are you?
May I have a drink?
He didn't see me.
You don't have to be so nervous, you know.
Did you get us a room?
What?
Have you gotten us a room yet?
I haven't. No.
Do you want to?
Well -- I don't. I mean I could. Or we could just talk.
Do you want me to get it?
You? Oh no. No. I'll get it.
Do you want to get it now?
Now?
Yes.
Well -- I don't know.
Why don't you get it.
I got a single room.
That's fine.
But there's one thing. The desk clerk seemed to be a little bit suspicious. I mean -- I don't know what their policy is -- but --
Well -- do you want to go up first?
Yes -- I think that would be good.
I'll be up in five minutes.
Well -- goodbye then --
Benjamin.
Yes?
Isn't there something you want to tell me?
To tell you?
Yes.
Well -- I want you to know how much I appreciate this -- really --
The number.
What?
The room number, Benjamin. I think you ought to tell me that.
Oh? You're absolutely right. Absolutely. It's 512.
Thank you.
Well.
Benjamin.
Yes?
I'll get undressed now. Is that all right?
Sure. Shall I -- I mean shall I just stand here? I mean -- I don't know what you want me to do.
Why don't you watch?
Will you bring me a hanger?
What?
Oh -- yes. Wood?
What?
Wood or wire? They have both.
Either one will be fine.
Thank you.
Would this be easier for you in the dark?
Mrs. Robinson -- I can't do this.
You what?
This is all terribly wrong.
Benjamin -- do you find me undesirable?
Oh no, Mrs. Robinson. I think -- I think you're the most attractive of all my parents' friends. I just don't think we could possibly --
Are you afraid of me?
No -- but look -- maybe we could do something else together, Mrs. Robinson -- would you like to go to a movie.
Benjamin, is this your first time?
Is this -- what?
It is, isn't it? It is your first time.
That's a laugh, Mrs. Robinson. That's really a laugh. Ha ha.
You can admit that, can't you?
Are you kidding?
It's nothing to be ashamed of --
Wait a minute!
On your first time --
Who said it was my first time?
That you're afraid --
Wait a minute.
-- of bring -- inadequate -- I mean just because you happen to be inadequate in one way --
Now -- do you think we could say a few words to each other first this time?
If you want.
Good. I mean are we dead or something?
Well I just don't think we have much to say to each other.
All we ever do is come up here and throw off the clothes and leap into bed together.
Are you tired of it?
I'm not. No. But do you think we could liven it up with a few words now and then?
Well what do you want to talk about?
Anything. Anything at all.
Do you want to tell me about some of your college experiences?
Oh my God.
Well?
Leave it on! Now we are going to do this thing. We are going to have a conversation. Think of another topic.
How about art.
Art. That's a good subject. You start it off.
You start it off. I don't know anything about it.
Oh.
Don't you?
Yes I do. I know quite a bit about it.
Go ahead then.
Are you interested more in modern art or more in classical art.
Neither.
You're not interested in art?
No.
Then why do you want to talk about it?
Can I take off my clothes now?
No. Think of another topic. Tell me what you did today.
Do you really want me to?
Yes I do.
Do you want to hear it or not?
Yes. But you might try and spice it up with a little originality.
I got up. I ate breakfast and went shopping. During the afternoon I read a novel.
What one.
What?
What novel did you read.
Then I fixed supper for my husband and waited until --
There!
What?
Your husband! Mrs. Robinson! There's something we could have a conversation about.
Him?
I mean everything. I don't know anything about how you -- how you work this. I don't know how you get out of the house at night. I don't know the risk involved.
There isn't any.
How do you get out of the house?
I walk out.
What do you say to him?
He's asleep.
Always?
Benjamin, this isn't a very interesting topic.
Please. Now tell me. How do you know he won't wake up sometime and follow you.
Because he takes sleeping pills. He takes three sleeping pills every night at ten o'clock.
But what about the noise from the car. What if --
The driveway's on my side of the house.
We're talking.
What?
We're talking, Mrs. Robinson. We're talking.
Calm down, Benjamin.
Now let's keep going here.
Can I undress and talk at the same time?
Right.
Thank you.
Now. You say the driveway's on your side of the house. So I guess you don't sleep in the same room.
We don't.
So you don't -- I mean I don't like to seem like I'm prying but I guess you don't sleep together or anything.
No we don't.
Well how long has this been going on.
About five years.
Oh no. Are you kidding me?
No.
You have not slept with your husband for five years?
Now and then. He gets drunk a few times a year.
How many times a year.
On New Year's Eve. Sometimes on his birthday.
Man, is this interesting.
Is it?
So you don't love him. You wouldn't say you --
We've talked enough, Benjamin.
Wait a minute. So you wouldn't say you loved him.
Not exactly.
But you don't hate him.
No, Benjamin. I don't hate him. Unhook my blouse.
Well how do you feel about him, then?
I don't.
Well that's kind of a bad situation then, isn't it?
Is it?
Well you loved him once, I assume. When you first knew him.
No.
What?
I never did, Benjamin. Now let's --
Why did you do that?
See if you can guess.
Well I can't.
Think real hard, Benjamin.
I can't see why you did, unless... you didn't have to marry him or anything, did you?
Don't tell Elaine.
Oh no. You had to marry him because you got pregnant?
Are you shocked?
Well I never thought of you and Mr. Robinson as the kind of people who...
All right. Now let's get to bed.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. So how did it happen?
What?
I mean do you feel like telling me what were the circumstances?
Not particularly.
And you were a student also.
Yes.
At college.
Yes.
What was your major?
Why are you asking me all this?
Because I'm interested, Mrs. Robinson. Now what was your major subject at college?
Art.
But I thought you -- I guess you kind of lost interest in it over the years then.
Kind of.
Well how did it happen?
How do you think.
I mean did he take you up to his room with him? Did you go to a hotel?
Benjamin, what does it possibly matter?
I'm curious.
We'd go to his car.
Oh no. In the car you did it?
What kind of car was it?
What?
Do you remember the make of the car?
Oh my God.
Really. I want to know.
It was a Ford, Benjamin.
A Ford! A Ford! Goddamnit, a Ford! That's great!
That's enough.
Don't talk about Elaine.
Don't talk about Elaine?
No.
Why not?
I wish you'd tell me.
There's nothing to tell.
Well -- I guess I'll have to ask her out on a date and find out what's --
Do you understand that?
Well look. I have no intention of taking her out.
Good.
I was just kidding around.
Good.
But why shouldn't I?
I have my reasons.
Then let's hear them.
No.
I'm not good enough for her to associate with, am I? I'm not good enough to even talk about her, am I?
Let's drop it.
We're not dropping it. Now that's the reason, isn't it? I'm a dirty degenerate, aren't I? I'm not fit to --
Benjamin?
I'm good enough for you but I'm too slimy to associate with your daughter. That's it, isn't it? ISN'T IT?
Yes.
You go to hell. You go straight to hell, Mrs. Robinson. Do you think I'm proud of myself? Do you think I'm proud of this?
I wouldn't know.
Well, I'm not.
You're not.
No sir. I am not proud that I spend my time with a broken-down alcoholic!
I see.
Because -- Mrs. Robinson this is the sickest, most perverted thing that ever happened to me. And you do what you want but I'm getting the hell out.
Are you?
That I'm a sick and disgusting person.
Now don't start this.
What?
Don't start acting hurt.
Don't you expect me to be a little hurt?
Mrs. Robinson, you stand there and tell me I'm not good enough for your daughter.
Did I say that?
Benjamin, I want to apologize to you if that's the impression you got.
Well two minutes ago you told me I wasn't good enough for your daughter. Now you say you're sorry I got that impression.
I didn't mean it. I don't think you'd be right for each other. But I would never say you weren't as good a person as she is.
You wouldn't.
What are you doing?
Well it's pretty obvious you don't want me around any more.
Well look -- I was kind of upset there. I'm sorry I said those things.
If that's how you feel --
But it's not.
That's all right. I think I can understand why I'm disgusting to you.
Oh no. Look -- I like you. I wouldn't keep coming here if I didn't like you.
But if it's sickening for you --
It's not! I enjoy it! I look forward to it. It's the one thing I have to look forward to.
You don't have to say that.
Well I wouldn't. I would never say it if it wasn't true.
May I stay then?
Yes. Please. I want you to.
Thank you.
Look. Why the hell did you bring this up. It never occurred to me to take her out.
Then give me your word you won't.
This is absurd.
Promise me, Benjamin.
All right, for christ's sake. I promise I will never take out Elaine Robinson.
Thank you. Benjamin --
Now listen -- this was not my idea. It was my father's idea.
Benjamin -- I thought I made myself perfectly clear about this.
Look, we'll go out to dinner and have a drink and I'll bring her back. Because it was either that or a dinner party for the two families. And I'm afraid I couldn't quite handle that, if you don't mind. I have no intention of ever taking your precious daughter out again in her life. So don't get upset about it.
Drive down the block.
Mrs. Robinson -- I have a date with Elaine. We're going for a drive.
Now it seems to me --
Mrs. Robinson --
I can makes things quite unpleasant.
How?
In order to keep Elaine away from you -- I am prepared to tell her everything.
I don't believe you.
Then you'd better start believing me.
Mrs. Robinson, don't wreck it. I'm asking you please not to wreck it.
Go home now.
Hello. Get me the police, please.
Where is Elaine?
What have you done to her?
You can't stop me from seeing her, Mrs. Robinson. I'll find her.
I'm sorry we won't be able to invite you to the wedding, Benjamin, but the arrangements have been so rushed --
Ahh. I don't think you'll have time for that drink after all.
I'll find her.
I say I've got it.
Sir?
The toothbrush. I got it all right.
Very good, sir.
Yes. Well -- goodnight.
No -- actually I'm not --
Braddock -- Braddock?
Yes, but I'm afraid --
I'll find your table in a moment. Braddock. Not Braniff? We have a Braniff.
No -- actually I'm just looking for a friend.
I'm afraid I don't understand.
I'm not with your party -- I'm sorry.
Say hello to Mrs. Robinson, Benjamin.
Can I talk to you a minute?
Sure.
Benjamin? I'm going to ask you something but you don't have to tell me if you don't want.
What?
Well I'm going to ask you what you do when you go off at night.
When I go off?
You don't have to tell me if you don't want.
I drive around.
What else?
Nothing else.
Well you don't drive around from midnight until noon the next day, Benjamin.
Oh, no.
Then what do you do? Do you meet someone?
Why did you say that?
Well this is your business, Benjamin. If you --
I don't meet anyone, mother, but why did you say that?
Benjamin, I'm not going to pry into your affairs, but I'd rather you didn't say anything at all than be dishonest. Goodnight, Benjamin.
Well why do you -- why do you think that?
Because I know you don't drive around for twelve hours.
Oh. Well, I don't. Shall I tell you what I do?
Not if you don't want to.
I do.
But I don't want you to make up something.
I'm not. But I'm -- I'm not very proud of what I do. I usually get kind of drunk. I usually drive over to Los Angeles and go to some bars and get kind of drunk. Then I take a hotel room. So I won't have to drive home on the freeway. I mean it kind of scares me to drive home after --
Goodnight, Benjamin.
You believe me, don't you?
No.
But I want you to. Please. Please will you believe me.
It's pretty embarrassing. I really don't know what to tell Mr. Robinson. It's awkward and strained for me every time he suggests that you call up Elaine.
Don't go on like this. Now if Benjamin absolutely refuses to take her out --
I do.
I'm going up to Berkeley today.
They don't know?
No -- they don't.
Well -- when did you decide all this?
When did you two talk this over?
I'm just --
-- worried?
Well --
About what?
I guess -- about my future.
What about it?
I don't know. I want it to be --
To be what?
Why?
Well -- it's very comfortable -- just to drift here.
Have you thought about graduate school?
No.
Would you mind telling me then -- what were those four years of college for? What was the point of all that hard work?
You got me.
I guess she's not good enough for you, is that it?
Look -- Elaine Robinson and I do not get along.
How do you know? You haven't seen her since high school. I guess your evenings, whatever you do with them, are just too valuable.
That has nothing to do with it --
Say that again.
Come on, let's call the Robinsons. We've got something to celebrate.
Wait a minute. You talked to Elaine this morning?
No. She doesn't know about it.
She doesn't know that you're coming up to Berkeley?
Ben -- this whole idea sounds pretty half-baked.
I drove -- I drove Mrs. Robinson home. She wanted me to drive her home so I -- I drove her home.
Swell. I appreciate it.
She's upstairs. She wanted me to wait down here till you got home.
Standing guard over the old castle, are you?
Here. It looks like you need a refill.
Oh no.
What?
I've got to go.
Is anything wrong? You look a little shaken up.
Thank you very much, sir.
Ben -- how old are you now?
Twenty. I'll be twenty-one next week.
That's a hell of a good age to be.
Thank you.
I wish I was that age again. Because, Ben --
Sir?
You'll never be young again.
I know.
Ben, can I say something to you?
What?
How long have you and I known each other? How long have your Dad and I been partners?
Quite a while.
I've watched you grow up, Ben.
Yes, sir.
In many ways I feel as though you were my own son.
Thank you.
So I hope you won't mind my giving you a friendly piece of advice.
I'd like to hear it.
You have yourself a few flings this summer. I bet you're quite a ladies' man.
Oh no.
Oh say -- Elaine gets down from Berkeley on Saturday.
Oh yes.
Ben -- I want you to give her a call.
I will.
Hi, Ben. What are you doing with yourself these days?
Oh -- not too much. Taking it easy.
That's what I'd do if I could. Nothing wrong with that. Hey Ben, Elaine's coming down from Berkeley soon. I want you to call her up this time.
I will.
Hello.
What would you say to a short one? Bourbon still your drink?
Do you want -- do you want to try and tell me why you did it?
Mr. Robinson?
Do you have a special grudge against me? Do you feel a particularly strong resentment for me?
No, it's not --
Is there something I've said that's caused this contempt? Or is it just the things I stand for that you despise?
It was nothing to do with you, sir.
Now look -- please --
Ben, I think we're two civilized human beings. Do you think it's necessary to threaten each other?
I am not threatening you.
Do you want to unclench your fists, please? Thank you. I can see in the dark, you know. I've been here quite a while.
I am trying to tell you I have no personal feelings about you, Mr. Robinson. I am trying to tell you I do not resent you.
You don't respect me terribly much either, do you?
No, I don't.
Well, I don't think we have a whole lot to say to each other, Ben. I do think you should know the consequences of what you've done. I do think you should know that my wife and I are getting a divorce soon.
But why?
Why?
It shouldn't make any difference what happened.
That's quite a statement.
Listen to me. We got -- we got into bed with each other. But it was nothing. It was nothing at all. We might -- we might just as well have been shaking hands.
Shaking hands. Well, that's not saying much for my wife, is it?
You miss the point.
Don't shout at me, Ben.
The point is -- I don't love your wife. I love your daughter, sir.
Well -- I'm sure you think you do, Ben, but after a few times in bed with Elaine I feel quite sure you'd get over that as quickly as you --
HUH?
Hello.
Mrs. Robinson?
Yes?
It's Benjamin.
Yes?
Benjamin Braddock.
Benjamin -- where are you?
Can you see me now?
Are you ready in there, feature attraction?
Dad -- could we just talk about this for a second?
I can't hold them much longer, Ben. You better get out here.
I'd like to discuss this.
-- before he does -- You're disappointing them, Ben. You're disappointing them.
Dad -- can you listen --
Is anything wrong?
The Carlsons' are here.
They came all the way from Tarzana.
What's happening?
Ben says he and Elaine are getting married.
I don't believe it.
Turn 'em up.
I'm having luck for the first time in my life.
I oughtn't to presume, but I -- I'm so grateful to you -- it's been so marvelous. The first time in my life I have gambled -- I've danced! Oh, you can laugh, gentlemen, but it's the first time in my life I've ever tasted life!
Life, gentlemen, is wonderful, but very dangerous. You must have courage for it, then it's wonderful. You gentlemen don't know that because you are all healthy and happy, but I -- believe me -- a man must know death and not until then does a man know anything about life.
It's a short life and a gay one...
Have you a minute now?
No -- I told you not to come in this lobby.
Time's getting short.
I want to speak --
Not now.
You are late -- the dancer's gone to the theatre.
Well?
She's gone to the theatre -- don't you know?
Yes.
And what are you going to do?
The pearls are in her room.
Now listen to me. The others are getting suspicious of you. I was on the telephone to Amsterdam today, they think you're scared.
I've been careful, I've been waiting my chance.
You've been waiting your chance. You're too much of a gentleman -- that's the trouble with you.
I told you I'll get the pearls tonight.
Need any help?
No.
No --
Why?
The floor clerk is out there in the corridor -- she sees everything ---
I could take care of her.
How?
Chloroform on a handkerchief from behind -- while you...
No -- no -- no -- no...
Why?
Poor girl -- chloroform would give her a rotten headache... I know -- I had it in the war. Besides, she's very pretty -- not young but --
You're no good for this business. It's just a joke to you...
I don't like your tone.
Get out and leave it to me... be ready to leave on the night train for Amsterdam...
With the pearls?
I've quit.
You can't.
I'm not going to get those pearls and neither are you.
What about the money?
I'll pay you back.
How?
I have an idea working in my head...
You might find a bullet through that head...
Like dancing?
Never?
You're a fool!
He must be very nice.
Who?
Whoever is keeping you waiting.
Have you seen it?
Oh, my large and noisy neighbor -- really? That?
That.
You?
Oh -- work!!
Oh!
Dictation. You know...
Oh... poor child. If you were free, I'd ask you to come and have some tea -- but --
Tea would spoil my dinner. One meal a day, I'd hate to spoil it.
Reducing?
No -- why? -- should I?
Lord no -- charming -- but why one meal a day?
Money -- Ever heard of it?
Yes -- yes indeed -- but you are a... ...a stenographer. Don't little stenographers earn little pennies?
Very little.
Too bad.
Did you ever see a stenographer with a decent frock on? -- One that she'd bought herself?
Poor child -- I wish I were free tonight -- we could --
Aren't you?
What?
Free --
Unfortunately no -- to bad -- tomorrow though.
Tomorrow? What time tomorrow?
Shall we say five o'clock -- downstairs?
Where downstairs?
Yellow Room where they dance --
You're very funny --
Yes? -- Tomorrow?
Of course.
We'll dance.
I'd given you up.
Chasing around.
Chasing what?
You were very different yesterday.
That was lovely.
Will you do me a big favor?
I'll do anything for you.
Would you like to make a man happy?
Yes -- I'd love to.
Then dance the next number with Kringelein.
Why?
I feel sorry for him.
You're not a bit like you were yesterday.
I fell in love last night -- the real thing.
Oh -- there's no real thing -- it doesn't exist.
I thought that, too -- but I found that it does. Come along, dance with Kringelein.
Going?
Flaemmchen, what are you doing here in the middle of the night.
Looking for my room -- one sixty- six.
You live here?
For tonight.
Oh!
Yes -- oh!
Well -- such is life, Flaemmchen.
Please do not be frightened, Madam.
What do you want here?
Nothing -- only to be here.
Why do you hide in my room?
But surely you must know -- because I love you.
Poor little Grusinskaya! Does it do you good to cry? Are you afraid? Shall I go?
I was so alone -- always alone -- and suddenly you were there and said that. No. I am not afraid. It is strange.
Don't cry -- it tears my heart to see you sob like that.
Nerves -- just nerves. You must forgive me. I have had a bad evening. I am very tired. Do you know what it is to be tired -- tired of a routine existence?
So you feel like coming into a lady's room -- and you come... What now?
I'd like to smoke a cigarette.
Why do you look at me like that?
I did not know you were so beautiful... and --
And then --?
No irony. You're so appealing -- so soft -- so tired. I feel like taking you in my arms and not letting anything more happen to you -- ever.
And -- and --
How tired you are!
Yes -- tired...
So alone.
Alone. All alone. Oh, you strange -- strange creature.
You mustn't talk Russian to me.
Strange man...
Am I quite strange to you?
Not quite strange now. It is as if I had been expecting you. You know, once when the Grand Duke was alive, I found a man hiding in my room -- a young officer --
And...?
He disappeared. Later he was found dead.
I never knew it was so dangerous to hide in a woman's room when she's alone.
Go away. Who are you --?
A man who could love -- that is all, who has forgotten everything else for you.
You could love me. It is so long since I have heard that word. Nobody has loved me for a long time. It is so icy-cold to be famous. One is so cruelly alone. How is it that you -- Let me look at you. Your hands. Your eyes. Why could you love me?
I saw you just now -- then I saw you cry -- and now I see you in the mirror -- Grusinskaya...
Grusinskaya... Oh -- oh if you knew how I slaved and slaved for Grusinskaya -- for the success of Grusinskaya -- for the triumph of Grusinskaya... and what is she now? Just someone who has found that on the day success ceases life ceases -- Are you listening to me -- Do you understand? -- I want you to understand.
Yes -- I do understand.
I think you must go now -- the key is on the floor.
I'm not going -- You know I'm not going -- Let me stay here?
I want to be alone.
That is not so -- you don't want to be alone.
I want to be alone --
No -- You don't want to be alone at all -- You were in despair before -- If I left you, you'd feel worse than you did before, You must not be alone -- You mustn't cry -- you must forget... Tell me that I can stay with you -- tell me.
The stage frays one's nerves... the discipline -- it's so exacting. Discipline means doing what you don't want to do and take no pleasure in doing. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever experienced the weariness that comes from discipline?
I see -- you do only what you take pleasure in doing. You take pleasure in coming into a woman's bedroom and you come. You take pleasure in a dangerous climb onto a balcony, so you do it... And what is your pleasure now?
Why do you smile?
Because I can see something in the mirror that you cannot. My dear --
What can you see?
You are beautiful!
No.
I'm not going... You know that I'm not going... Do you think I could leave you alone here? After that --?
What?
The veronal -- you. I'm going to stay here with you.
I want to be alone.
Oh -- I was ambitious then -- ambition was in my blood -- no rest, no stopping. We were drilled like little soldiers -- We danced in the school of the Imperial Ballet, in St. Petersburg. I was little and slim but hard as diamond -- a duty machine -- No rest, no stopping. And then -- I became famous and whoever is famous
I am Felix Benvenuto von Gaigern. My mother called me Flix.
Flix. -- And how do you live? What kind of a person are you?
I'm a prodigal son, the black sheep of a white flock -- I shall die on the gallows.
Really?
Really, I haven't a bit of character. None at all.
No?
When I was a little boy I was taught to ride and be a gentleman -- at school, it was a monastery, I learned to pray and lie -- and ---
And?
And then, in the war, to kill and hide. That's all.
And what do you do -- now?
I'm a gambler -- I'm running at large like a happy pig, devouring anything of life that pleases me, I really belong in jail
Oh! What a picture -- and what else?
I'm also a criminal and a hotel thief.
That's a silly joke.
Please look at me. You must believe me -- you must believe that I love you -- that I have never known what love is -- until last night.
There.
You may keep the pearls -- I don't want them any more -- I'll make you a present of them.
I don't want them now.
I'll not denounce you.
I know.
So --
Yesterday I was a thief -- but now, --
But now, you must go... I give you the pearls. But now you must go ---
I wanted money desperately -- Can you understand? -- That's why I wanted the pearls. I was threatened -- I was desperately in need of a certain big sum of money. I've been following you -- I've admired you. But I have forced myself not to think about you -- Last night, at last, I managed to came into your room and -- and
And now?
Do you understand?
Grusinskaya --
Yes.
You do believe that I really love you?
Yes -- If I didn't believe that, I'd die after last night.
I want to be good to you -- madly good.
Suzette will be back here in a minute.
I'll go -- good-bye.
Shall I see you again?
Suzette will be back here any minute.
When are you leaving Berlin?
Very early in the morning.
For Vienna?
Can't -- can't you -- Couldn't you come too -- I think it would be better -- for us -- for us both.
Oh -- yes but -- later.
Why later?
I have no money now -- I must get some first -- I must get some.
I'll give you what you need -- I have money.
Oh no -- that would spoil everything. I'll -- I will manage somehow -- I'll manage myself. I will go with you. When does the train leave?
Six twenty-seven in the morning... But the money?
You must go now. Be careful on your way to your room.
Don't do anything foolish -- I'm alarmed about you.
Bless you...
Are you coming to the theatre? Oh -- I shall dance tonight -- How I shall dance -- I want to feel that you are in the theatre.
I can't.
No?
No! I can't explain now. Oh, look -- the pearls. You wear them now...
Why do you think --
Why?
I'm worried about you.
Don't.
On the train?
Yes -- I will be on the train.
Till then.
Thank you, sir.
Not at all, sir.
Permit me -- my name is Kringelein -- from Fredersdorf.
I'm Baron von Gaigern.
And this is Doctor Otternschlag.
What's the matter, Mr. Kringelein?
General Director Preysing! Baron, when I was sixteen years old, I started as an office boy in that man's factory --
Then you know him?
Baron, we must have gone a hundred miles an hour, at least...
Yes, quite.
I'm going to change and we'll meet for a drink in the Yellow Room.
In the Yellow Room, where the music's playing and the ladies are?
Hello -- sorry I'm late.
Oh -- here you are, Baron. A drink -- A Louisiana flip?
Hello, Mr. Kringelein. How do you feel now?
A drink, Baron -- A Louisiana flip?
The Baron is tired?
No, Kringelein, not tired, -- just -- Well -- well --
Perhaps this evening, Baron, we could go to the Casino -- the place we passed with the marvelous bright lights?
I'd like to Kringelein, but I can't -- I am broke!
Was the Baron joking, or is it really true that the Baron is -- in financial straits.
Absolutely true, Kringelein and I have to raise some money immediately.
What?
I would be awfully glad to oblige, you've been so decent to me. Three hundred?
If I could get into a game I might win some.
Gambling! I'd like that. I have over six thousand eight hundred marks with me.
If we could scare up some men to play.
We could come to my room.
Ready, Kringelein?
Is that too much, Baron?
No -- not at all.
All right then.
That was my last.
You've lost everything?
I've no luck.
Drink to me, Kringelein -- it's my last chance.
I take five hundred.
Here -- here it is. Here's your pocketbook, Kringelein.
Oh -- yes -- that's it -- you found it -- you found it for me, Baron.
Goodnight, Kringelein.
You're all right now -- it's very late -- goodnight, Kringelein.
Good evening -- my key -- one sixty- eight.
Good evening, Mr. Pimenov.
Oh -- good evening, Baron.
How's the beautiful lady?
Grusinskaya -- well, to tell the truth, Baron -- tonight we are a little bit nervous. Were you at the theatre last night?
Certainly -- always when Grusinskaya dances.
Well -- last night was not so good.
I thought she was splendid!
It's always so quiet here.
If you occupied the room next to Madam Grusinskaya, you would appreciate the quiet of a hotel lobby.
My dear sir, I would gladly change rooms with you.
The war.
That is Doctor Otternschlag -- You know him?
Yes -- He always seems to be waiting for something -- and nothing ever comes.
The war dropped him here and forgot him.
Perhaps you could present me now, Mr. Pimenov.
Pardon me, the lady has urgent business here with me.
Oh, let the poor devil alone.
I think it would be much better if you went away.
We shall see who remains here the longer.
Aha! -- The Baron. What do you want here?
I must have made a mistake.
So that's how we stand, Baron.
Look here, sir -- I'm completely at your mercy -- I'm desperate -- it's a matter of life or death -- I had to get some money -- tonight.
Indeed you must, Baron -- you must. Humm -- humm, but you must go to jail, Baron, you're a thief.
Be quiet.
Hello! Hello! --
Is that for me?
No -- Madam Grusinskaya's car is to be brought.
For me?
No -- Madam Grusinskaya's car is not to be brought.
For me?
No -- letters to two-eighty.
The stenographer is to go up -- Mr. Preysing telephoned.
Madam Grusinskaya -- at once --
The night clerk has already gone -- you are late.
Man -- I was at the clinic the whole night -- there are no words to describe what my wife suffered.
And the child isn't coming?
No -- no -- not yet. Well, I mustn't let it interfere with my duty. Any news here?
News? Yes -- killing in number one- sixty-four.
What? -- Who? -- Whom?
The big manufacturer killed Baron von Gaigern.
Good heavens. What for?
I don't know.
Man -- that's terrible. He was a nice fellow -- I am sorry about him.
It seems that he was a thief and an imposter.
I don't believe it -- he was a real gentleman. I know people... I'm so tired I can hardly see out of my eyes. No sleep for two nights and so many duties and now this killing in the hotel -- that means a lot of work. But it's too bad about the Baron, you always felt better when he came along -- always
Any letters?
No, Doctor.
Telegrams?
No, Doctor.
Anyone asked for me?
Any letters?
I came here from a long distance to stay at the Grand Hotel. I want a room -- a big room -- like you would give General Director Preysing -- I'm as good as Mr. Preysing -- I can pay like Mr. Preysing -- would you give him a little room, way up in the corner with the hot water pipes going -- bang
This gentleman can have my room.
Oh!
Send his bags up to my room.
Oh -- but -- I --
You're tired. I can see that.
Yes -- yes -- I am tired. I have been ill...
I know -- I know -- when a man's collar is an inch too big for him -- I know he is ill.
You will stay, Doctor -- if you have nothing better to do?
Oh, but Doctor. Isn't this wonderful. To live -- to live -- in the Grand Hotel.
The Grand Hotel.
Oh, but Doctor. The music -- the champagne -- girls when they dance -- all the shining ice in those big silver things -- That's life --
Life! -- Mr. Kringelein, you are drunk -- good night.
Life is changing you, Mr. Kringelein.
No pain, Mr. Kringelein?
Barman -- whiskey -- For you, Mr. Kringelein?
Well, Mr. Kringelein, are you getting what you're looking for?
What, Doctor?
A masculine paradise -- drink, the ladies, dancing...
I had a very good opportunity, a young lady asked me to dance -- I ought to be able to dance, it seems to be very important.
You must learn as quickly as your time allows -- Believe me Mr. Kringelein, a man who isn't with a woman is a dead man.
Haven't you anyone -- Haven't you anybody -- you -- I mean -- Are you all alone in the world.
I'm always alone -- I have been everything.
Everything?
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Over -- over so soon -- it has just begun. Oh, the pain.
Try and sleep, Kringelein, don't be afraid.
There is no pocketbook here... On the floor probably.
More than fourteen thousand marks... were in that pocketbook.
Oh, I've got to find it.
Stay where you are.
You've nothing to fear, Kringelein
If I could trouble the Baron to come and see this beautiful room. I have ordered champagne. Perhaps the Baroness could join us.
Waiter, oh waiter! Wait a minute! We are having caviar -- it's expensive but that makes no difference -- I see the Baroness is laughing.
You may laugh. Caviar and champagne may mean nothing to you, but to me -- they mean a great deal. You see, I'm ill and all of a sudden I got a fear of missing life. I don't want to miss life -- do you understand?
You are funny. You speak of life as if it were a train you wanted to catch.
I'm sure this beautiful room must appeal to your taste -- distinctive, don't you think? Velvet upholstery -- 'A-number one'. I'm in the textile trade and I know. And these are real silk drapes.
Silk -- think of that -- silk -- they are, too.
Her master's voice! I must go now -- goodbye -- thanks.
Oh, don't go.
I'm engaged for the evening.
Oh, can anyone engage you for the evening?
Good evening, Mr. Kringelein -- Where's the Baron?
I'm waiting for him here. The Baron and I have been together all day. A hundred miles an hour -- in a motor car -- and in an aeroplane -- It was marvelous --
Mr. Kringelein -- How you have changed, you look so nice.
Oh, thank you, Miss Flaemm. Oh, please, Miss Flaemm -- Permit me, Miss Flaemm, won't you have something sweet -- a Louisiana flip. A Louisiana flip.
No - absinthe.
You like music?
Yes -- it's stimulating -- a man might --
A man might what?
I don't know -- I'd like to do anything --
Dance then?
You must look at my face and not at the floor.
Yes.
You're trembling.
I never danced before -- in public.
You dance splendidly.
I'm happy, Miss Flaemm.
Really?
Please -- please!
Quick -- Mr. Kringelein.
Oh -- oh, Miss Flaemmchen. It's you --
Quick -- something awful -- awful has happened. Go -- go at once, -- Mr. Preysing --
What's the matter?
Oh -- I was thinking -- Poor Baron -- Lying there, his eyes so open.
You loved the Baron, didn't you?
Yes --
So did I. He was friendly to me as no man ever was.
Perhaps he really was a burglar -- But they don't kill a man for that.
He was in desperate straits. He'd been trying to raise money all day. He laughed -- Poor devil! And then a man like Preysing kills him.
I didn't like Preysing right off.
Then why did you have anything to do with him?
Money!
Yes, of course, -- money!
You don't understand that do you?
Of course I do -- I never knew what money really meant till I started spending it. Do you know -- I can hardly believe that anything so beautiful should come to me from Preysing -- I'll take care of you. Will -- will you let me?
What?
You'll have a good time with me. Want to? I've got enough money. Ten thousand two hundred in my pocketbook. Three thousand four hundred that I won. It will last a long time. I can win more -- we'll travel.
Yes -- to Paris? I wanted to go there always.
Wherever you like. Here I'll give you the money I won, three thousand four hundred. Later you can have more.
Later?
When I -- I'm ill, Flaemmchen -- It will not be long -- I'll not last long. Will you stay with me until...
Nonsense! We'll find a great doctor, he'll cure you. They can cure anything these days.
Do you believe that you will have a better time with me than you would with Preysing?
Oh yes, of course.
Do you like me better?
Am I!
How do you know there is a Grand Hotel?
What...! --
I'm the stenographer.
Moreover --
Moreover...
Do you work in Justice Zinnowitz' office?
No -- only occasional jobs.
Tired?
You pay me.
You're a very unusual stenographer --
Moreover...
I don't see why it's unusual for a stenographer to be pretty -- if she does her work well, -- seems so silly. I don't know why they don't like girls like me in offices. Personally, I hate offices -- I'd much rather be in the movies.
Movies?
What is this?
You...
You...
Moreover...
What?
Only in mutual advantages -- moreover.
What brown hands you have.
That's from skiing.
Skiing?
A man? -- To Switzerland? -- That must have been nice -- for him.
Moreover... He was a lucky man -- that man.
Don't misunderstand me. I'm a married man -- with grownup daughters. Uh --
Moreover -- Do you mind if I smoke? I went to Florence once, too.
No.
Moreover, the possibility of the successful termination of negotiations now pending with the Manchester Cotton Company...
Not too quickly.
What?
You're a little too fast.
Can't you understand me?
I understand you perfectly.
Have you got it now?
Cotton Company --
Should throw a great weight into the balance...
How nice -- your daughters?
My daughters -- yes, my daughters.
Is that Mrs. Preysing.
Definitely off.
Oh -- too bad. Did you quarrel?
Miss Flaemm.
Hello!
I must speak with you, Miss Flaemm.
Presently, Mr. Preysing.
Come and dance with me, Mr. Kringelein.
I must speak to you, Miss Flaemm -- business.
Tomorrow morning.
No -- now.
Now, children, no fighting -- save that for the office. Let's have our dance.
Oh, yes, Mr. Preysing?
Sit here. Cognac -- for you?
I'm going to keep an eye on that Kringelein fellow. I'll find out where he gets the money to hang around the Grand Hotel.
Well -- you want me?
Yes.
Well?
I must go to England -- at once.
Well?
You see, I'd like to take a secretary with me for my correspondence and -- humm -- humm -- for company on the trip -- I'm nervous -- I need somebody -- I don't know if you quite understand me. You said you have travelled with gentlemen -- and I mean --
I understand perfectly.
What do you think your salary would be -- for such a trip?
Wait -- I must figure it up. First, I'll need -- clothes -- shoes -- it's cold in England in March, I'll need a suit... You'd want me to look nice?
Of course -- of course.
A thousand marks --
Can you pay some attention to me?
Oh, yes.
Insolent young cub!
You mean Baron von Gaigern?
Baron!
You are late. I've been waiting for you -- waiting.
I had to arrange about the trip.
You're sweet.
Come here.
Oh -- careful, Mr. Preysing.
Call me -- do you know -- would you -- would you like to call me by my first name?
Oh, no.
Why not?
I couldn't do that, you're a stranger to me.
You're a funny little creature, Flaemmchen. I can't make you out.
And ask me what it's costing us to hammer it down.
Exactly.
If the Preysing people get the Manchester contract, we shall certainly merge with the Preysing company -- but if they haven't they're ruined -- Preysing will have to declare himself.
Oh -- ho -- you want legal aid against us? -- The whole thing seems to me to be very simple.
What we want to know about is Manchester.
What?
They turn out marvelous material in Manchester.
There's a lot of business to be done with the Manchester Cotton Company. They've the whole English market right in their hands. Have you any connections with -- Manchester?
We have a good many connections in England, naturally.
I mean with the Manchester people?
We are here to discuss our merger. Naturally I can make no statement at this time. We must begin at the beginning.
All right.
Oh -- yes -- I beg your pardon!
I'm laying before you the last general statement of our concern. Active capital, plant and machinery, raw material and finished product -- for instance -- mop rags --
I'd like to wait for Justice Zinnowitz, before I commit myself.
Oh -- Preysing, Preysing --
No water -- What a place!
Now to proceed with the projected merger, the advantages for the Saxonia are so obvious...
Oh -- now let's talk like adults. You want to tell us now a along story of what your factory can do. We know all that you could tell us and if you tell the truth it wouldn't sound so good. When you first approached us...
Tentative my foot -- a month before this your old father-in-law came very privately and scratched at my door.
Scratched -- We did not take the initiative.
I know you did -- I said you did --
Evil days -- I've shown you here -- -- my company exports to the Balkans alone, sixty-five thousand marks worth of mop rags a year.
Mop rags -- mop rags -- we're interested in something quite different!
Sorry, Preysing.
You've decided against the merger?
Yes --
Then, it's all over?
Goodbye, Preysing, I hope you pull through. This is a very bad time to be in such a crisis. We've...
Why talk -- it's over -- it's over -- it's finished. You've broken off negotiations. You did it. You're calling them off. You had nothing on your mind all day, but Manchester, -- Manchester -- Manchester. You don't suppose for one moment that I'm such a fool as not to have something that I could say definitely about Manchester.
What?
Oh no -- no -- the session is over. Let's go, it's off. Thank you, gentlemen.
If you actually have news from Manchester then...
Gentlemen, I am now free to announce... ...that the deal between my firm and the Manchester Cotton Company has been successfully negotiated.
I thought we'd suspended negotiations, gentlemen.
Under these circumstances it's quite a different matter.
See you soon, Preysing. Next week we'll meet and discuss further details.
How clear is Manchester?
Since, on the eleventh of June of this year -- when the first negotiations for a merger...
Thank God we're beginning at the beginning.
As you remember it -- when you approached us...
...and let me say again for the tenth time... ...you people were quite ready for the merger. You declared yourselves... fully agreed on all the terms -- Why should the signing of these articles be suddenly held up?
Mr. Preysing has too scrupulous a regard for certainties...
Here's my signature -- here Preysing, sign here.
Nine-thirty, Mr. Preysing keeps us waiting.
Shall I tell them again?
Why waste time -- it's getting late.
You see -- what we are interested in --
You're a deep one.
Always the performance -- every day the performance -- time for the performance. I think, Suzette, I have never been so tired in my life. Veronal didn't even help me to sleep.
I can't dance tonight --
It will pass -- it will pass -- come.
Let us cancel the engagement.
But, Madam. cannot do that.
Mon Dieu -- the pearls -- if they were to break --
Orchids come again, Madam -- no card -- I think perhaps they are from the same young man -- he is at the end of the corridor -- tall -- he walks like a soldier -- Madam must have noticed how often he is in the elevator with us. Last night for instance --
Ah, oui -- the car is here for Madam.
Oh, come, Madam -- please come.
Good morning, Suzette.
Madam has slept well?
Oh, yes, Suzette.
Madam will dress now, it is late.
Five minutes, Suzette, come back in five minutes. I'll ring.
Madam should sleep.
I've done my hair differently -- do you like that?
When a lady falls in love she does her hair differently.
In the middle of the night -- those flowers make me think of a funeral. Laurels and tube-roses. Oh, think, Suzette -- the Villa and the sun at Tremezzo -- quiet -- simple -- happy -- we'll have a guest, Suzette.
Yes, Madam. And now Madam will sleep. It is not long 'till the train.
Madam, it is Mr. Meierheim -- he is waiting downstairs.
What is this that you have cancelled your car? Who am I that I should wait like a fool at the door? And here on a whim, you cancel your car. Have you forgotten there is a performance? Do you know the time? Or, are we all mad? Am I your manager?... Have we a contract? Have we obligations? Am I blind? ...Or is
I'm cancelling the engagement.
Oh! Madam is cancelling the engagement. Madam has chosen a funny time for such a funny joke. Ha, ha, ha -- hurry, come on. Tonight -- there's a line in front of the theatre since six o'clock. The house is jammed to the roof.
The house is not full -- Is it really full?
Packed to the ceiling. Hurry -- get dressed. And what an audience -- the French Ambassador -- American Millionaires -- Princess Ratzville -- er -- er --
Suzette -- I told you not to bring the pearls. I will not wear them tonight.
Why not?
Take them back, Suzette.
Hurry, Suzette.
I suppose I can cancel the Vienna engagement.
I wish to be alone.
Come along, oh, Madam, come along. The train will be going.
Oh, the sun -- it will be sunny in Tremezzo --
Every seat for the opening has been sold at Vienna. Sold out for three days.
It is time for the performance.
It is not stage fright -- it's something more --
What -- what is it? Last night...
Last night?... There was no applause.
There was -- there was.
Good morning, Pimenov.
Gru -- you are positively radiant.
He will be on the train.
Mr. Kringelein will take room number one-seventy-six, one of our most expensive rooms. It is large and on the front with bath.
Does that mean that the bath is my own? --- Private?
Certainly, sir.
Will Mr. Kringelein kindly register.
Again?
I wish you a very good evening, Mr. Preysing. You are staying here, too, Mr. Preysing?
I don't know you.
Mr. Kringelein will be a good friend and not accept your invitation to dance.
I could not think of not accepting.
Well now, Miss Flaemm, we can talk.
Some champagne, Miss Flaemm?
You may go, Mr. Kringelein.
Does the world belong to you, Mr. Preysing?
What is this insolence?
Do you think you have free license to be insulting? Believe me you have not. You think you're superior, but you're quite an ordinary man.
Who are you? -- An embezzler most likely.
An embezzler -- you're going to take that back, right here in the presence of this young lady -- who do you think you're talking to? You think I'm dirt, if I'm dirt, you're a lot dirtier, Mr. Industrial Magnate Preysing.
You're discharged.
Me?
Oh -- the Baron -- the Baron.
He tried to rob me -- he is dead --
My best friend -- poor, Baron -- dead -- just like that.
-- We must do something...
Yes, the police must be called.
No -- no -- wait -- the man was a burglar -- he was going to steal my money.
Oh, no -- no -- not the Baron.
Where is that girl -- she was working with him -- she enticed me into her room.
Her room -- oh -- I see, Mr. Preysing -- I understand, Mr. General Director Preysing.
I can answer for this, it was self- defense -- I can answer for this -- but that girl -- the scandal -- my wife -- my daughters, you know them?
Yes, I know them --
The scandal -- we are men -- you -- you could take that affair of the young lady upon yourself -- take her and hold your tongue. Then you can travel -- I'll give you anything -- anything -- she was with you.
How much -- how much do you want -- you need money -- you have nothing.
If you will wait one moment, sir.
I won't wait -- I can't wait -- I waited three days before I got a room at all and what a room that is.
It's a very nice room and inexpensive, sir.
Just one moment, sir.
The gentleman is dissatisfied with room number five fifty-nine.
We will wait.
How is the house?
Terrible. After this, no more ballets for me. Jazz -- Just jazz.
If the house is empty again, I don't know --
What's the use of asking, Gru -- he is at the train -- He will be there.
Four minutes past. Please come.
Come, Lisaveta, he will be there -- he will be there.
Ach! Here you are, Doctor Zinnowitz.
Have I kept you waiting?
Waiting -- I'm waiting for news from Manchester.
No news yet?
No. No word.
Everything depends on the Manchester merger.
I know -- I know.
No news from Manchester yet -- Do you think we ought to postpone the conference?
Good heavens no. That'd create the very worst impression. You must be optimistic. You must convince them. You know as well as I do that the merger must go through.
Yes -- the merger must go through -- But I am used to making my deals on a solid basis. I am not a liar. I am an honest business man -- a good husband and father -- I have a sense of honor -- I have nothing to conceal. I couldn't live happily otherwise.
Well, don't get excited about it. We agreed that the merger with the Saxonia people must go through.
I want to dictate my statement for tomorrow. I can't speak without notes. I like to have things down before me in black and white.
I'll see you in the morning then, at the conference. Everything'll be all right, Preysing... Don't worry. Goodnight.
Good morning, gentlemen -- I see the conference is already underway.
Oh, here you are, Justice Zinnowitz -- I'm at cross-purposes with these gentlemen -- will you clear up the situation?
I can make no statement about Manchester at this time.
Next week.
What's the matter with you?
Bluff -- Bluff -- all bluff.
What's bluff?
That.
'Deal with Manchester definitely off! "Preysing, oh -- I'd never have thought it of you.
No one would have thought it of me. I've been getting rusty in Fredersdorf. Well, if bluff is what the world wants I guess I can put up as big a bluff as anyone. From now on...
You must go to Manchester at once yourself and really see it through.
Yes -- I must go to England -- I was desperate -- Now I don't care -- This sort of thing goes to a man's head.
What you need is some relaxation.
Yes -- that's what I want -- I'd like to tear loose -- I'd like a drink. I'd like to go down to that dancing place. I'd like to start something.
I can understand that -- after your -- uh --
Say it -- say it -- my lie -- it's the first time in thirty years that I've ever... Where's that stenographer? Miss Flaemm...
What do you want with her?
I want to see her, I want to do some dictating -- report of the conference for my father-in-law.
She had an engagement in the Yellow Room at five o'clock -- she was in a hurry.
Zinnowitz, would you say she was pretty?
Pretty as a picture.
Let's go down and find her -- I need a drink -- Come along Zinnowitz. I don't know anything about women -- been married for twenty-six years.
Hi, Bobo.
Well, I guess so. You're the guy I work for.
How'd you figure you were gonna get away with that?
I'm not getting away with anything, Bobo.
You're fuckin right you're not. How much did your pals cut you in for on that nag, huh? Or did they give you the same kind of screwing you gave me?
One question. Do you want to stick to that story, or do you want to keep your teeth?
I want to keep my teeth.
Now I'll ask you another. You think I got no contacts out here? That nag paid off at just the opening price. There wasn't hardly a flutter on the tote board from the time the odds were posted. There ain't enough action to tickle the tote, but you claim a ten grand win! You send me ten thousand dollars, like I'm some mark you
Bobo, no, I --
You wanna talk to me straight up?
My son --
Your what?
My son was in the hospital --
What the fuck are you doin with a son?
He left home a long time ago. He was in the hospital, up in Los Ang gleez, real sick.
Motherhood.
I never fucked up before, Bobo.
I got a lot of people work for me, Lilly. I can't have shit like this.
It'll never happen again. I swear.
You're calling the shots.
You got any kind of long coat in the car? Anything you can wear home over your clothes?
No.
You ever hear about the oranges?
You mean, the insurance frammis?
You hit a person with the oranges in the towel, they get big, awful looking bruises, but they don't really get hurt, not if you do it right. It's for working scams against insurance companies.
And if you do it wrong?
It can louse up your insides. You can get puh, puh, puh...
Permanent damage.
Almost forgot. That ten grand of yours. It's in the envelope by the door.
Oh, thanks, Bobo.
You want a drink?
Gee, I better not, if it's okay. I still gotta drive back up to Los Ang-gleez.
He's a good kid. A salesman.
Not skimming a thing, Lilly?
Oh, well, you know. I just clip a buck here and a buck there. Not enough to notice.
That's right. Take a little, leave a little.
A person that don't look out for himself is too dumb to look out for anybody else. He's a liability, right, Bobo?
You're a thousand percent right!
Or else he's working an angle. If he doesn't steal a little, he's steeling big.
You know it, Lilly.
You know, I like that suit, Bobo. I don't know what there is about it, but it somehow makes you look taller.
Yeah? You really think so? A lot of people been telling me the same thing.
Well, you can tell them I said they're right. I better get going. Roy'll wonder where I am.
Worries about his mother, eh? Give him a hug for me.
Your kid's in the back here. He's crying.
Roy? He's always crying.
The kids beat him up, because his home life is, uh, different.
Come on, kid, let's see if there's any food in the house.
Evening. Welcome to Phoenix.
Good evening. I'd like a single for tonight.
I'm a very light sleeper, traffic noise keeps me wide awake all night.
Those trucks. I know exactly what you mean.
I'll put you in one thirty-one. Very quiet. Faces the desert.
Sounds perfect. I can park my car back there?
Right in front of the room.
And I'll want to leave an early wake-up call.
Mary Beth, what we have here, uh...
Oh, I told Mister Hebbing all about it, how brilliant you are at making money for your special clients!
Mary Beth, I hope you aren't spreading this good news too widely.
Well, I'll have to take your word for it, Mary Beth. Here's your money.
Henry, next time, couldn't Mister Hebbing --
Mary Beth! This has never been anything but --
Well. If Mary Beth vouches for you, and if she told you the story already...
So here we are!
Want a look?
Come take a look. An entire-suite of main-frame computer.
You ruined me! You destroyed me!
Cole, it'll be all right. Honey?
Can't move.
It's just the strain again, the stress. We'll take a vacation.
Demon! Demon! That's why you can walk on it! Demon!
Well, that's what the law's for, isn't it?
And I don't just mean the SEC. We could have the FBI breathing down our necks.
I certainly hope not.
Loose talk is the one thing I worry about.
The Tokyo Exchange is nine hours ahead of us, New York one hour behind. There isn't one hour of the day when both are open. Information moves, but it has to wait. Now, we have a young fellow working here -- Do you know what a hacker is, Mister Hebbing?
One of those computer geniuses, isn't it?
Well, you've got your information ahead of New York, I see that.
Every once in a while, a major change comes through. We have seven seconds to take advantage, put our buy order, our sell order, into the computer in New York before the Tokyo data comes in.
Not much time.
We have to be ready. We have to have the money, and we have to know what the information means, and we have to move immediately.
Seven seconds. I don't see how you do it.
Here you are! Two rich people!
I must admit, Mister Fellowes, I had moments I was worried.
The ambulance is on the way, for what good it will do.
What? He's going to be all right!
Mrs. Dillon, your son was in some sort of accident. He's had an internal hemorrhage, he's bleeding to death inside.
Well, make it stop!
His blood pressure is under a hundred. I don't think he'll live to get to the hospital.
Yes, yes, but that's --
Bobo wants you to go on to Delmar.
Delmar? I never go out to California. That's a thousand miles from here.
Nine hundred. Bobo needs somebody to handle playback this time. Come on, Lilly, you don't argue with Bobo.
I know.
Take two, three days. Call when you get there.
Mrs. Langtry, I'm sorry.
Why? What's wrong?
You are a valued customer, as you know.
But what's wrong?
I can't understand a thing like this. It's something you almost never see.
What is?
This is some of the finest filigreed platinum I've ever seen. But the stones, no. They're not diamonds, Mrs. Langtry.
But they must be! They cut glass!
It was a gift. It isn't worth anything at all?
All right.
I hope you're not too badly disappointed with us, Mrs. Langtry.
It's not your fault.
You'll give us an opportunity to serve you again, I hope. If there's anything you think we might be interested in...
I have only one thing now. Are you interested?
Well, I'd have to see it, of course.
Whadaya say?
Kaggs. Home office.
Roy Dillon.
What's up?
That was a pretty backhanded compliment. If I let people get away with things like that, I wouldn't be a good salesman.
You're right. I apologize. But I still want to talk to you.
When I said you being the best salesman here didn't say much, I meant for us. I know your record with Sarber and Webb, and I'd say you're a top-flight man, but you've had no incentive. No one walking on your heels. Just a lot of half asses, so the tendency's been not to stretch yourself. I'm bouncing the slobs, incidentally.
So I heard.
Makes no difference to me if they're only on commission. If they don't make good money, they're not giving us good representation, and we can't afford to have them around. Ever supervise salesmen?
Just myself.
Sounds like a good Idea.
What? Me?
That's just the first year. If you aren't worth a lot more than that the second year, I'll kick you out. What do you say?
Well, uh... No.
No?
I can't take that job! I mean, I mean, I can't take it right away. I'm still recuperating, I just dropped in to say hello, see everybody --
I didn't realize. Yeah, you do look a little pale. How soon will you be ready? A week?
But you need a man right now. It wouldn't be fair to you to --
I take care of the being-fair-to-me department. Things've gone to hell this long, they can go a little longer.
See you in a week, Roy. I can call you Roy?
And I'm Perk. Short for Percy, I'm afraid.
Good to have you back, Roy. I was just looking at --
Mr. Kaggs, I'm sorry.
You're turning me down? Makes no sense, Roy.
I guess I'm just not a leader of men.
Oh, come on, Roy.
The truth is, Mr. Kaggs --
Perk, remember?
Okay, fine. Perk, the truth is, I like things the way they are now. Pick my own hours, have time for, uh, other activities...
A well-rounded life. I respect that. But it has to have a center, Roy, something you care about, something you can think about.
Maybe I'm just not ready for that yet.
Well, Roy, if that's the way you feel, I won't badger you. Don't want to lose you as a salesman, too.
Oh, I'd like to stay on. Just keep everything the way it was.
That's what we'll do, then. But I tell you what, Roy. Before I hire anybody else, I'll ask you one last time. Fair enough?
So what's your story today?
They twisted my arm.
They knocked out my tooth!
Sure I am. What made you turn up, after all these years?
I'm working down in San Diego. Just for a few weeks. Thought I'd drop in on my long-lost son.
Well... You're all right now, I guess. I have to get down to the track.
Thanks, uh, Lilly.
Don't mention it.
I guess I owe you my life.
What happened to your hand?
Just a little accident. I went by your place, picked up your mall. Just bills, I'll take care of them.
I can take care of my own bills, Lilly.
Whatever you say. The manager says your boss called. Really pulled the wool over everybody's eyes, huh?
What are you talking about? So I've got a job. So what?
Stop kidding me! Four years in a town like Los Ang-gleez, and a peanut selling job is the best you can do? You expect me to believe that?
It's there. The boss called, you said so yourself.
I like those.
You do not! Roy Dillon? Cornball clown pictures? Commission salesman? It's all a front, isn't it? You're on the grift, I know you are. You're working some angle, and don't tell me you're not because I wrote the book!
You're one to talk. Still running playback money for the mob.
That's me. That's who I am. You were never cut out for the rackets, Roy, and if you --
Not as tough as you, huh?
Up to you.
My boss is a guy named Bobo Justus, back in Baltimore. When a long shot gets too much action, I have to put money on that horse at the track, because it's the only way to get the odds down.
Sure.
That was my choice, nothing to do with you. I took a chance, and it didn't work out.
Bluebell came in?
Lucky? You call that lucky?
You don't put up with that! Nobody has to put up with that!
I tripped over a chair.
Get off the grift, Roy.
Why?
I just give you your life. What you do with it is up to you.
Roy! What are you doing in San Diego?
If you come out to the track, don't know me.
What's that?
Four grand. For the hospital. Is that enough?
Roy, I don't want money from you.
I pay my debts.
Expecting visitors?
You ought to put a bandage on that.
I thought... I was hoping we could play it straight with one another.
I guess not. You'll be heading east from here, huh?
After the meet. Back to Baltimore.
Well... nice to see you again, Lilly.
Well, sure, Roy. You want me to drive up --? Okay, fine, come on down. It won't be a home-cooked meal, you know.
Going somewhere?
Somewhere else, that's for sure.
I just came back from Phoenix.
Oh, yeah? Is the frame holding?
Looks very solid, Lilly. Sit down. Take a minute, tell me about it.
I've really got to --
You're dead, Lilly, it worked.
Not for long. Not when they do a fingerprint check.
Why should they? The cops are satisfied.
Bobo won't be. He'll spend the money to make sure.
Myra followed you, huh?
She must have been the one that blew me off with Bobo. I guess to get me running. Did you tell her about my stash?
No.
No, you wouldn't. That's what she was after, though. But why hit on me?
I wouldn't go in on a deal with her. She blamed you for it.
As though you do what I say.
I sat in there with her, I thought, what do I do now? Run and I've got Bobo and the law after me. Stay, and how do I explain?
It is, isn't it? And maybe it's a break for me after all. I've been wanting out of the racket for years, and now I'm out. I can make a clean start, and --
I'm sorry. I hated to take your money, but --
I need this, Roy. I can't run without money, and if I can't run I'm dead.
You must have some money.
Just a few bucks.
And Myra's stuff?
Her credit cards. How far am I gonna get with that?
Far enough. Maybe up to San Francisco. Or St. Louis, someplace new. Start over.
At what?
You're smart, Lilly, and you're good-looking. You won't have any trouble finding a job.
A job? I've never had a legit job in my life!
Well, you're gonna start, if you hope to live through this. A square job and a quiet life. You start showing up at the track or the hot spots and Bobo's boys will be all over you.
Roy, I know what to do with myself! It's a big world out there.
Not any more. Lilly, listen, I'm giving you good advice. I'm following it myself.
What?
I thought it over, and you were right. You wanted me out of the rackets, and now --
Roy, that's fine, but I don't have time for this. Bobo --
I thought you'd be happy for me. After all, you --
Bobo isn't after you! Bobo's after me, and he's goddamn good! But so am I. I'm a survivor, Roy. I survive.
I know you do, so that's why --
And to survive, my way, I need money. Bobo knows about the stash in the car, so I didn't dare touch it, not if Lilly Dillon's dead. So that leaves this.
You want a drink?
I don't think so. You probably shouldn't either.
No, but I'm goddamn thirsty. Ice water?
Yeah, sure, that sounds nice.
You don't know what I'd do, Roy. You have no idea. To live.
I know what's bugging you, of course.
Oh? I didn't know anything was.
Oh, really? You've got a legitimate complaint, Roy, I don't deny that. I wasn't a very good mother when you were a kid.
A bad mother. By any standards. I've thought about it, you know, from your side, since then. I know just how bad I was.
Uh-huh.
I wonder did you ever think about it from my side.
Never.
What do you want me to do? Pin a halo on you? You're doing a pretty good job of that yourself.
And making you feel bad at the same time, huh? But that's the way I am, you know, the way I've always been. Always picking on poor little Roy.
For God's sake, Lilly!
I gave you your life twice. I'm asking you to give me mine once. I need the money.
You're getting off the grift?
That's right.
That's good. You don't really belong on this side of the fence, you know.
I don't?
If you stayed a crook, do you think you'd live to be my ripe age?
I don't see why not.
Well, uh...
Sure, sure, that doesn't count. That's different.
Well, it doesn't matter, does it? I'm getting out.
And that's why you've got to get rid of this money. If you keep it around, it'll just make you think how clever you are. It'll be a temptation to get back into the game.
If I should get out of the racket, that goes double for you. That's why you've got to change your life completely, go to some town, get a square job, live like a john yourself. If you try to do it your way, what future is in it?
A future. The only future I've got.
That money wouldn't last forever. And then what? You'd be back in some other part of the rackets. Another Bobo Justus to slap you around and burn holes in your hands. This way, you've got to go the square route. You could send me a card when you're settled, I could maybe help out sometimes...
) That's what it is, isn't it? Keep me down. Your turn to be in charge, have the power.
Roy... What if I told you I wasn't really your mother? That we weren't related?
There's nothing more to talk about.
Lilly, Jesus, what are you doing?
Is there nothing I can do, Roy, nothing at --
You heard the shower, didn't you?
Joe, I thought I was gonna be all right by now, I just need a little more --
It isn't the owner, Myra, it's my wife. She knows what's going on. This time, I gotta have the money.
Joe, could we talk it over? Do you want a drink?
My wife sent me here, Myra. For the money. She's waiting.
I'll have it tonight. Nine o'clock? Ten?
This time...
I didn't teach you that.
Let me see how you did that one.
Scram. Go home.
I can't. I just left home.
You're too young. You should be in school.
Where's the five?
Well, well. In a real hurry, are we?
You aren't taking me for granted, are you?
That isn't granite. If that fell on me, it wouldn't hurt at all.
Are you sure?
Roy?
Mm?
Look at me.
Oh, I am, baby, believe me.
Roy? It this all we have?
All? It ain't bad.
What are you talking abut, Myra? Marriage?
Ow! Hey, what are you trying to do, throw me off my game?
You were bleeding inside, honey. Remember that bruise you had?
You called the doctor, huh?
Well, no, Roy. Your mother found you.
Her job.
I want to know everything about you.
I don't see why you're still here. You look healthy to me.
I just do what the doctor says, babe.
You're just comfortable, that's all. You don't even ask to go home. You just lie around, let your mama take care of you.
Mama!
Who else is paying for all this? You badmouth the woman all the time, but you sure do take the payoffs she gives you.
I'll pay Lilly back, don't you worry about that.
I don't like to come here, Roy. Every time I do, your mother comes in and makes remarks.
That's just Lilly's way.
And you never defend me. You're afraid of her.
Oh, don't be stupid.
Get well soon.
Every day in every way.
I don't see why we have to take the train.
What if we want to drive somewhere while we're there?
Big spender.
No.
You were right, I had to get out of that hospital. Nothing wrong with me any more.
I'll sign that affidavit.
Great to get away, take it easy. Next week, I'll get back to work.
You already went back to work.
What?
I watched you. Working the tap on those soldier boys.
Working the what?
The tap. What you do for a living.
I'm a salesman.
You're on the grift. Same as me.
Myra, I'm not following this.
You talk the lingo. What's your pitch?
The long end. Big con.
Nobody does that single-o.
I was teamed ten years with the best in the business. Cole Langley.
I've heard the name.
It was beautiful. And getting better all the time.
Is that right?
He didn't think they were risks. He was so good, Roy, he could just play with the mark.
And when he got serious?
He'd explain he had to have cash, so there wouldn't be any paper trail for the SEC. And a lot of cash, or it wasn't worth while. The least we ever took was forty thousand, and the most was one hundred eighty-five thousand dollars! From one sucker!
I thought these people were broke.
No, no, Roy, just cash poor. They had savings accounts, stocks to sell, houses to mortgage. Sell their wife's jewelry. Oh, they had a lot of money, when they put their minds to it. Or when I put their minds to it. I stayed with them, that's the roper's job, made them get up every penny they could raise, turn it all over to
And a month later, the sucker calls the cops and you're on the run.
No no! He never calls the cops, not after we give him the blow-off.
Oh, Roy, it was great! We were rolling in dough, lived wherever we wanted, only pulled two or three scams a year.
What happened to Cole?
He retired.
Where?
Upstate.
Upstate where?
Atascadero.
I just bet you are, too. And now you're trying to rope me.
Join up with you! I watched you, Roy, I've been watching you, wondering if I should talk about this at all, or maybe just...
Take a hike, you mean?
I need a partner, Roy. I need an inside man, and you're it. You could be as wonderful as Cole.
I don't know, Myra, I never had partners. I never needed them.
Think about it. Okay?
I still don't see why we have to have separate rooms. You expect your father to come through?
Separate bathrooms, darling. I will not lay out all my cosmetics for you to knock over.
Things a man isn't supposed to know.
You don't mind, really, do you, Roy? It's been such a wonderful evening, I guess I just wore myself out.
Yeah?
Open your door.
What? What for?
You -- I don't know.
) If you could have seen your face when I told you good night! You looked so, so... Ah!
You were gone for a while.
I went out to Delmar.
) The track? Did you run into Lilly?
I saw her.
She didn't see you, in other words.
I'm not trying to make trouble, Roy. It's just, she's always so nasty to me, I thought, who is she to be so high and mighty. I saw her out there, and I called a friend of mine in Baltimore, so now I know who she is.
You must have some very knowledgeable friends.
I'm well connected, Roy, Cole introduced me to a lot of people. Very valuable. Valuable for us.
Running your broker scam, you mean.
You and me, Roy. What a team we'll make. We think alike; we get along together. Once or twice a year we take some slob, the rest of the time we live like this. You won't regret this, Roy.
Regret what? I didn't say I was coming aboard.
But why not? I thought it was settled. What's holding you back?
You mean, it would be too tough to give me a turndown here. Easier on home grounds.
And hello to you, too.
I called a fellow I know in Tulsa, the one who plays my chauffeur. There's a sucker there he says is made for us. And a boroker that just shut down, we can use their office, not change a thing! Now, I can scrape up ten grand without much trouble. That leaves fifteen or twenty for your end. We could start this weekend, get
Wait a minute! When did this happen, that we're partners?
What?
The last I looked, we were just talking things over.
But the setup's there. It's there now.
I don't think I need it.
You're too good for the small-time, Roy. Move up to where there's big dough to be made, and you don't have to stick your neck out every day.
Don't I get any say in this?
No! Because I --
That's what I say.
What?
What I say is, no. We don't do partners.
For Christ's sake, why not?
Mostly, because you scare the shit out of me. I've seen people like you before, baby. Double-tough and sharp as they come, and you get what you want or else. But you don't make it work forever.
Bullshit!
What is it? What's going on?
I'm happy the way I am.
By God, it's your mother. It's Lilly.
) What?
What's that?
You watch that mouth.
Roy Dillon?
Yes?
Lieutenant Pierson, Phoenix police. I have a car here.
I realize this is a shock.
Well, mostly, I don't believe it.
That's natural.
No. I mean, I don't believe it. Lilly is not a suicide. I know my mother, nothing would make her check out.
I'm sorry, it was her all right. Her gun, even.
Gun?
I grant you, it's a little odd, shoot yourself with a gun with a silencer on it, but it was hers, all right. It really is your mother, Mister Dillon.
It may be Lilly, but it isn't suicide.
Do you have any particular reason to say that?
My mother... Well, I guess it doesn't matter now. She worked for gamblers. She always knew they might turn on her some day.
Not that it matters. This is the morgue?
You up to it now?
Sure. Let's get it over.
One thing I have to caution you about. A gunshot wound...
Yes, I know, I know.
Well, uh, you know, she ate the gun.
What?
I'm sorry, that's an unfortunate phrase, it slipped out, I'm, to tell you the truth, Mr. Dillon, this isn't an everyday occurrence around here.
Ate the gun. Oh.
Someone who knows her well could still identify her, that's not the problem. It's just there's, uh, it's likely to be a shock.
Not many laughs in this room, eh?
Oh, Jesus.
No question, huh?
That's that, then.
Mr. Simms.
Why yes, Mr. Dillon. Here's a potential new neighbor, looking at--
Well, thank you. And thank them.
Sickness comes to us all, Mister Dillon.
That's true, Mr. Simms.
We never know when and we never know why. We never know how. The only blessed thing we know is, it'll be at the most inconvenient and unexpected time. Just when you've got tickets to the World Series. And that's the way the permanent waves.
Well, I'm back now. I just wanted you to know. Gotta rush.
No thanks, I'm not thirsty.
Why am I here?
They said on the phone you were assigned to the Meyers case.
With all due respect, detective, you can't go blaming every brutal murder in Illinois on Michael Meyers.
Pamela Whittington was a long time associate of Dr. Loomis. Her home office was ransacked. It was chock full of Loomis' files on Meyers. It'd say that makes Meyers a suspect, wouldn't you?
Well, when you put it that way.
Right. So why don't we get on with this investigation?
One set of muddy shoe prints.
Where, judging by the looks of the finger and palm prints, she struggles to open the window before banging on it like hell.
Unable to escape, she turns and attacks the killer, but doesn't connect.
The killer knocks the knife out of her hand with the wrought-iron poker.
As which point she drops to her knees in pain...
Impressive, Blake. Where'd you learn how to do that?
Carter.
It's Blake. Meet me at Grand View.
Where?
The cemetery...
You take all your dates here. Blake?
Only the real stiffs.
I can be real stiff.
That's it?
Care to join me?
Come on, Carter. You know it's Michael.
What do you want me to do, put out an A.P.B. on a man in overalls wearing a white mask dragging a headstone?
Yes.
Carter.
We're sorry to startle you, Miss Tate.
Detective Carter from the Haddonfield P.D.
I'll be damned.
Mind if we sit down?
I'd prefer you didn't. I'm very busy.
Okay, then how 'bout we ask you a few questions?
Detective...
Carter.
... I think it would be best if you both left.
Might want to stop and think about the safety of your students, Miss Tate.
I never stop thinking about it, Detective. The only way in or out of this school is through that gate, and it is secured at all times.
Funny, we just drove right in.
Bruce... what's going on? The kids are here to pick out their costumes for the festival.
A dead body?
It's Amy Kramer.
My god...
Do you know who did this?
Well, Eddie Catero didn't show up for work this morning... parents say he never came home last night. Car's still missing.
Think Eddie had something to do with it?
Besides, it's historically inaccurate.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Michael Meyers never used a meat cleaver. It was a butcher knife.
Who are you, the serial killer police? What difference does it make?
Another historical inaccuracy.
Hey, Mis Whittington, what's up?
My blood pleasure. You scared the hell out of me.
Oh. Sorry. I'm on my way to the ring and --
I think someone broke into my house.
No shit?!
Jimmy, what are you doing?
Checking out your place.
No. Wait for the police.
Nothing to fear. The coast is clear.
You sure?
Totally. I checked all the rooms and closets...
Nothing's missing?
Don't think so. But they sure did a real number on your office. Crap everywhere.
My office?
Nothing's changed since yesterday, or last week, or last month... the answer's still "no."
What the --
I'm sixteen, Keri. I should be able to live wherever I want.
And I should have a son who calls me "Mom". Looks like we're both shit out of luck.
Okay, you win. I'll call you Mom. Now can I move into the dorms?
Well, Dad thinks it's okay.
You're father thinks it's okay to run off to Cancun with a blonde bimbo in a halter top. Somehow his opinion doesn't count.
I promise not to run off to Cancun.
Forget it.
The dorms are only fifty feet away. You could practically see into my window. So, what difference does it make?
Alright, I was wrong. There is a big difference between rooming with your buddies and living with your mother and school headmaster.
I took the padlock off your door. What more do you want?
Where are you going?
To the bathroom. Can I do that alone or do you want to watch?
You're twisted.
Shit, John! What the hell were you doing out there?!
Nothing.
You're kidding with that answer, right?
I just went for a walk. It's no big deal.
Wrong. There are rules in this house and you're going to follow them whether you like it or not.
Or what? You're gonna shoot me?
It's an option.
Well, maybe if you'd let me live in the dorms, I wouldn't have to sneak out to spend time with my friends.
Oh, so now it's my fault?
I'm sorry, alright? It was just a stupid joke.
You some kind of fugitive or something?
Now you're joking, right?
Wait a minute... slow down... you're telling me Michael Meyers is my uncle?
Yes.
Any other psychotic relatives I should know about? Jason? Freddy Krueger?
No.
Why didn't you tell me?
Where are you going?
He found you, didn't he?
Get on the bus.
Where's Molly? She's not in her room...
Just get on the bus.
I'm not leaving without her.
John, you can't help her now.
What? Where is she?
Oh, God... no... not Molly.
Yeah, me too, Keri.
Call me Laurie, will ya?
Keri.... Laurie... how about if I just call you Mom?
Shelve the barf bag. It's the key to the main gate.
Where'd you get it?
Swiped it from my mom's desk yesterday.
You stole it?
Not me.
Why not?
Nah, I didn't tell her where I went.
What are you doing here?!
I came to see you.
I can see that. Why?
Can I come in?
Are you crazy? You'll get caught.
Then you come out here.
Then I'll get caught.
Well, I'm not going until I talk to you.
You really think Eddie killed her?
You saw that Michael Meyers display. You've got to be pretty twisted to come up with something like that.
You look kind of cold.
I'm okay.
Better?
Molly, of all the people... if I can't trust my resident assistant, then what?
I know. I'm really, really sorry, Miss Tate. Please let me keep the job... it's the only way I can afford to stay here.
Okay, tell you what... you can still be the school R.A., but no dance tomorrow night.
Linda! He killed Linda!
Who?!
Aren't they doing a terrific job this year?
Looks great. It does.
You okay? You seem a little off.
It's John, isn't it?
It's always John.
Still wants to move out?
He's been living out of moving boxes for three months.
This kid just wants his freedom.
It's not going to happen.
The tighter you squeeze, the harder he'll try to break free.
Oh, please... you get that out of a fortune cookie?
I'm going into town... run a few errands before dark. Need anything?
A box of fortune cookies... I'm running out of advice.
Hey, you alright?
What?
What are you looking at?
There's something I have to tell you both. It's going to sound strange...
What?
My name hasn't always been Keri Tate. It was once Laurie Strode.
Who?
Michael Meyers.
The serial killer?
No, Will, this isn't the alcohol talking. It's the truth.
I can't believe this is happening.
You just dropped a shitload on him... give him some time to digest it.
Are you going to leave, too?
So you're really Michael Meyers' sister?
Yeah.
Not a real fan of Halloween humor, Will.
Oh, right. Sorry.
I'm gonna head back to the office... finish up some things.
Keri, you all right?
We've got to get these kids out of here...
Look, they're staring right at us.
Wait.
What is it?
I have to pee.
Can't you hold it?
You aced it, didn't you?
Fuckin' A.
What's this?
Better her than me.
Ooooh, busted.
Shane's going as a condom.
I thought you were allergic to latex.
I'll pop a Benadryl.
You think they'll let him in dressed like that?
BLAAAAAGGGHHHHH!
Shit, Linda!
You're so easy...
Wasn't scaring the hell out of me once today enough?!
Nope. Hey, you think I'll win scariest costume?
Linda, you are without a doubt the scariest person on campus.
Thanks!
Where's Shane?
Condom Boy is waiting for me in the cafeteria.
But the dance is in the gymnasium.
Let the party begin.
Have enough fun for the both of us.
He do that to you?
Another episode of 'Daddy Knows Best' at the Strode house.
Beth, who's that guy that lives across the hall from you?
Why? You interested?
No! I keep seeing him staring out his window. Watching me.
Mom -- Who is this?
Kara? ... No, this is Beth.
What are you doing there? Where's my mother?
We were worried about you guys so we left early to see if you were --
Is Tim there?
Hold on, hot lips. We got work to do.
Whatever happened to women in back?
Happy fuckin' Halloween.
Seven-thirty is the costume pageant ... Carving jack-o'-lanterns at eight ... Photos for the school paper at nine ... Then Harry lights the tree at nine- thirty ... I just know I'm forgetting something!
Jesus, that's my neighbor. Tommy.
Isn't he that psycho who's been spying on my sister?
Kara and Danny never showed up tonight. We'd better go home and check on them. There's nothing else for us to do here.
But they're gonna light the tree in a few minutes --
Guess they -- went to the fair after all.
What if your parents come home?
Aren't you gonna answer that?
Answer what?
Shh. Mommy's here. What is it?
Home is here in Grandma and Grandpa's new house. At least while I'm in college. Remember our deal.
The kids at school said this is a haunted house -- that a bad man used to live here.
They did, did they? Since when did we start listening to the kids at school?
But I've seen him!
You've been watching too much TV.
He says things. Bad things.
No, Mom -- keep it on!
Mom, I want to go to the fair ...
Come on, Mom. We're gonna miss all the fun stuff!
Mommy, I'm scared.
There's nothing to be scared of, baby. It's just another storm. Try to get some sleep.
I can't. The voice man is coming to get me.
No one's coming to get you. Not while I'm around.
Promise?
Mommy!!!
Shitheads ... Defacing my property. I showed them ...
Relax, John. They were just kids.
See what I'm talkin' about?
What is it this time?
He told me about the terrible things that happened here. In our house.
What the fuck are you doing letting strangers in without --
John, they sound Jamie Lloyd this morning! Someone tried to kill her!
What in God's name are you talking about, woman? When are you gonna stop listening to those damned talk shows?
I'm getting the children out of here. At least until we know what we're dealing with. John, I want you to come with us.
Debra, you're fuckin' insane.
I've been knocking. The door was open. Is everything all right in here?
Who are you?
He crept up these stairs and made his way into this room. His sister's room. Right here. Where it all began.
What makes you think he'll come here again?
This house is sacred to him. It's the source of his memories -- his rage. Mrs. Strode, I beg you. Don't let your family suffer the same fast as Laurie and her daughter.
Jamie? But I thought she was --
What should I do?
Lock the doors and call your husband. Get your family as far away from Haddonfield as possible.
God ... this can't be true.
So they're trying to kill you and your baby. Don't tell me. Your name also happens to be Rosemary.
Come on, sweetheart -- what is this? Who's coming?
So they're trying to kill you and your baby. Don't tell me. Your name also happens to be Rosemary.
No, please listen! They're coming ... coming for me and my baby.
Come on, sweetheart -- what is this? Who's coming?
She wasn't here when I brought Danny home from --
My, God! What have you done to him?
I didn't -- He got in a fight and I --
Do you know how insane this is? Who am I supposed to be looking for?
God, what's wrong with him?
Kyle's mother might be dead for all I know. Now I'm afraid he could be next.
Why would anyone want to kill an innocent baby?
It was there when I found him this morning. It looks like some kind of letter or number or --
Runes were a kind of early alphabet that originated in Northern Europe thousands of years ago. They were symbols -- carved out of stone or pieces of wood. Of all the runes, Thorn had the most negative influence. Cults used them in blood rituals to portend future events and invoke magic.
Black magic ... 'In ancient times, Thorn was believed to cause sickness, famine and death. Translated literally, it was the name of a demon spirit that delivered human sacrifices ... on the Celtic celebration of Samhain.'
Halloween.
Where are you going?
Danny?! Danny!
Where's the baby?!
Danny! Danny, where are you?!
What now?!
Come on!
Christ, what a night! Not even so much as a sign for five miles on that road!
Unlike you, Sam, I learned many years ago not to second-guess the motives of my fellow man. Remember what Freud said: 'Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.' Or, in this case, a drink is just a drink.
I hope you didn't come all the way out here in this storm just to quote Freud.
As always, your keen powers of perception astound me. And you're right. I've come to celebrate. After thirty-two years as Psychiatric Administrator, guess who has been named Smith's Groves new Chief of Staff.
But surely Rogers isn't --
We need you, Dr. Loomis.
You should know that it's not wise to play Halloween pranks on me.
But with Rogers and his house of hacks gone, you'd make the rules. Just think it over.
It was her voice. On the radio. It was Jamie. Calling for me.
You don't know that for sure. It could have been anyone. A practical joke. Kids.
It was Jamie Lloyd. She came back, as I knew she would one day. And whatever has brought her back has brought Michael back as well.
After six years? Sam, she died with him in that explosion after the --
Notify Haddonfield's sheriff; tell him we're on our way. I want the entire staff on alert. We go to code red lockdown for twenty-four hours. If he is alive, I plan on bringing him back.
What is that?
Sam, don't -- let them take care of her.
There you are. Who was that boy?
There's more people moving eastbound down Old Reservoir Road past the elementary school.
Any word on the location of the Strodes?
No one's home. Checked it out myself.
What's wrong? What's happened to Jamie?
Where's the child?
Come now, Sam. This is a gathering of old friends. I know how difficult this must be for you -- a man of your upbringing and integrity -- but now that I'm in charge I felt it was only fair that you finally know the truth. After all, you're the only one around here who's still in the dark, as it were. This isn't
This is madness, Wynn.
Your madness is another man's greatness. This is the way things have always been. You've just been too blinded by your own reality to see. But having you on the outside has been convenient for us in many ways. You always did come through -- our loyal watch dog. Finding him. Bringing him back to us once he'd finished his work. Although after you
It was you.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Why did you take Jamie?
She has the gift -- the blood of Thorn running through her veins. Michael's mother had it, too. So for six years I incubated her, prepared her for this night. Michael has served his purpose. And soon we will have a new progeny.
Jamie's baby ...
There you go trying to make sense again. It's a curse. Handed down through countless generations. As ageless as this celebration which you call Halloween.
Samhain.
You've created a monster.
No!!!
Stay away, Sam.
Yes?
Dr. Loomis, thank God you're here. You heard her, didn't you? It was Jamie.
I'm sorry, but do I know you --
Yes ... Tommy. What are you doing here?
What do you know about Michael?
I know he's alive. People in this town -- they want us to believe he's dead. But I know. I've always known.
Right now at least one girl is dead and Jamie Lloyd is in there fighting for her life. She is the last of his blood line. If she dies --
Who else knew I had the baby?!
No one.
No -- there had to be someone else. Who knew?!
Run, Tommy!!! Run!!!
Miss me, baby?
I dunno, boy.
Hm?
It's a bitch.
A bitch.
Didn't recognize you.
We've never met.
I wonder who'll recognize us first? They'll wet their pants.
I hope the men do. I would rather the women didn't.
Home, sweet home.
One thing, anyway--at least Penelope didn't throw out all your crap. I bet Alice threw out all my crap after I'd been gone a week.
It appears that we're going to have to wait awhile for any more action here, Colonel. Why don't you run on home while the evening's young.
Home. Jesus. I'm like this. Home!
Home is important to a man.
You know what gets me?
No.
How all the magazines show tits today.
Um.
Used to be against the law, didn't it?
I suppose.
Home.
You know what gets me?
Oh, shit.
How everybody says "fuck" and "shit" all the time. I used to be scared shitless I'd say "fuck" or "shit" in public, by accident. Now everybody says "fuck" and "shit," "fuck" and "shit" all the time. Something very big must have happened while we were out of the country.
Looseleaf--will you get the hell home?
At least we found the diamonds.
At least!
I'd really feel stupid if we didn't bring anything back home.
It's enough that you've brought yourself home!
I wish you'd tell Alice that. And that Goddamn Mrs. Wheeler.
Tell them yourself!
You don't know my mother-in-law, boy.
After eight years in the jungle with you, I know Mrs. Wheeler better than I know anybody in the universe!
I didn't tell you everything.
The time we were in a tree for fourteen days, you certainly tried to tell me everything about Mrs. Wheeler.
I didn't even scratch the surface. You're lucky, boy. You come home, and nobody's here. When I go home, everybody's going to be there.
This room is full of ghosts.
You know what gets me?
Go home!
Thank God we found the fucking diamonds!
The hell with the diamonds!
You were rich before. This is the first time I was ever rich.
Go home! Show them how rich you are for a change!
Can I have the Cadillac?
Take the Cadillac and drive it off a cliff, for all I care.
What'll you do for transportation?
I'll buy a hundred more Cadillacs. Go home!
You know what gets me about that Cadillac?
Go home!
When I drive it, I feel like I'm in the middle of a great big wad of bubblegum. I don't hear anything, I don't feel anything. I figure somebody else is driving. It's a bitch.
Go home.
I'm liable to find anything!
That's the point! Walk in there and find whatever there is to find--before Alice can cover it up.
I know, I know. I dunno. At least she's in the same house. Sure was spooky, looking in the window there, and there she was.
So long, Colonel.
You know what gets me?
Let's talk about it some other time.
How short the skirts are.
Good night, Colonel. It's been beautiful.
You know what gets me? Those guys who went to the moon! To the moon, boy!
Leave me alone! After eight years of horrendously close association, the time has come to part! I crave solitude and time for reflection-- and then a reunion in privacy with my own flesh and blood. You and I may not meet again for months!
Months?
I'm certainly not going to come horning back into your life tomorrow, and I will not welcome your horning back into mine. A chapter has ended. We are old comrades--at a parting of the ways.
I've been looking at motorcycles.
Go home!
You ever own a motorcycle?
You're right! We'll take a trip. A trip is what we'll take. I don't want to talk about motorcycles. I don't want to talk about tits. Go home!
And how were things?
Otherwise, how are things?
Could have happened to anybody.
First Nagasaki--now this.
I dunno, boy.
The educational process.
I guess. You're lucky you don't have any old people around here.
What's funny about that?
Excuse me.
One of them is the doctor, whose weapons are compassion, unselfishness, peacefulness-- maudlin concern.
Huh.
He and his love are like a retiarius. Do you know what a retiarius is?
He's a kind of gladiator who fights with a knife and a net and doesn't wear anything but a jockstrap.
How do you know that?
You told me.
When?
When we were up in the tree so long--with the bats.
Oh. I'd forgotten.
Fourteen times you told me. I counted.
Really?
You'd get this funny look in your eyes, and I'd say to myself, "Oh, Jesus--he's going to tell me what a retiarius is again."
Go to the funeral?
Of course! Not only go to it but go to it in full uniform! Rent a uniform!
That's against the law, isn't it? I can't wear a uniform anymore.
Wear your uniform and every decoration, and let them despise you, if they dare.
Alice would be absolutely tear-ass.
When I was a naive young recruit in Spain, I used to wonder why soldiers bayoneted oil paintings, shot the noses off of statues and defecated into grand pianos. I now understand: It was to teach civilians the deepest sort of respect for men in uniform-- uncontrollable fear. To our women.
I didn't know we had any women left.
The world is teeming with women-- ours to enjoy.
I told you the uniform wouldn't help.
It helped more than you know. Down deep, people were deeply affected.
So, kid--how they hanging? Or don't you say that to a little kid?
Of course you'll go! You're going to fly the helicopter.
I dunno.
You're so low! Look at that beautiful red meat. You haven't touched it.
Sorry. At least you've got a place to come back to. I don't have a place to come back to anymore.
All the more reason to go to Africa.
I dunno. You know. I used to really love that Alice. Do you know that?
You know her for what she is now-- garbage.
I dunno.
Hi, Penelope.
Go live in a safe-deposit box--with your things. LOOSELEAF Jesus--I wouldn't want to be married to him. You know?
What's this?
I wouldn't want to be married to me. We're too crazy. You know?
In what way, pray tell?
I didn't like that violin thing. That was sad.
Tit for tat--as simple as that.
You never played a violin.
You did?
Yeah. I practically forgot. But after you busted that thing, I got to thinking, "Jesus--maybe I'll start the violin again." That didn't just belong to Woodly. That belonged to everybody. Maybe he would have sold it to me, and I could have some fun. After you busted the violin, boy, and Penelope walked out, I thought to myself, "Jesus--who could blame her?"
Maybe it's time you got out.
Me?
You.
Okay. Okay.
You're an imbecile.
I know you think that.
Everybody thinks that.
Anybody who'd drop an atom bomb on a city has to be pretty dumb.
The one direct, decisive, intelligent act of your life!
I don't think so. It could have been.
If what?
If I hadn't done it. If I'd said to myself, "Screw it. I'm going to let all those people down there live."
They were enemies. We were at war.
Yeah, Jesus--but wars would be a lot better, I think, if guys would say to themselves sometimes, "Jesus--I'm not going to do that to the enemy. That's too much." You could have been the manufacturer of that violin there, even though you don't know how to make a violin, just by not busting it up. I could have been the father of all those
Hello.
How are you, honeybunch?
Is Penelope in?
The posies are for her?
I wanted to apologize.
You've come to the right man.
I forgot my vacuum cleaner.
I forget mine for years on end.
I can't get over how you guys are my friends. Harold Ryan and Looseleaf Harper are my friends.
Our pleasure.
Eight years you guys were together-- through thick and thin.
For seven and a half of those years we were heavily drugged--or we would have been home long before now, believe me. We were saved from starvation by the Lupi-Loopo Indians, who fed us a strange blue soup.
Blue soup.
Are we really going to find out where the elephants go to die?
I'd rather go to Viet Nam.
Would somebody please pass me the catsup?
What you say is, "Pass the fucking catsup."
Insurance!
What an awful sound!
It's possible, of course, that you'll die in Africa.
I've considered that.
Selling vacuum cleaners isn't the best preparation you could have.
I just want one true adventure before I die.
Fifty years?
You're making a joke.
I'm interested in long-term expectations.
It's engineered to last about fifteen years.
If I were married to him, I sure wouldn't walk out.
Who's going to fly our helicopter now?
What?
We got to get another pilot.
For what?
For Africa.
Do you really think that Harold Ryan would go to Africa with a vacuum cleaner salesman?
You invited me.
To make an ass of yourself.
What went wrong?
We're ahead of schedule, that's all. You're finding out here what you would have found out in Africa-- that you are a rabbit, born to be eaten alive.
Gee whiz--
It would have been fun to see you drop your rifle and run the first time an elephant charged us.
I wouldn't drop my gun.
You're hollow, like a woman.
I'm smarter than Looseleaf.
He can shoot! He can hold his ground! He can attack! You're in your proper profession right now-- sucking up dirt for frumpish housewives, closet drunkards every one.
How do you know how I'd act in Africa?
Look how you're acting now! This is a moment of truth, and you're almost crying. Slug me!
You're my buddy.
Out! Out!
No matter what you say to me, I still think you're the greatest guy I ever knew.
Out!
You--you aren't going to have any friends left, if you don't watch out.
Anybody home?
As a matter of fact--
Sir?
As a matter of fact--I am home.
Hello.
Hello.
You were about to ask a question?
Are you--do you--
Ask it!
Do you know who Wanda June is?
Life has denied me that thrill.
Do you mind if I ask who you are?
Mind? God, yes, I mind. I'm your father's friend. A man claiming to be the family physician let me in a while ago.
Dr. Woodly.
Dr. Woodly. I should make a little list.
Is anybody besides you here now?
The doctor was called away on an emergency. I think it was birth.
Where's Mom?
You don't know where your mother is? Does she put on a short skirt and go drinking all night?
She went to the fight with Herb Shuttle, I guess.
You think you could find me a pencil and paper?
And you've been roaming the streets while your mother is God-knows-where?
I was going to a funny movie, but I changed my mind. If you're depressed, laughing doesn't help much. When did you know my father?
Man and boy.
Everybody says he was so brave.
Even this--"Herb Shuttle", you said?
He worships Father.
Ah! And what sort of man is this worshiper?
He's a vacuum cleaner salesman.
I see. And he came into the apartment one day, to demonstrate his wares, and your mother, as it happened, was charmingly en deshabille--
She met him at college.
College!
They were in the same creative writing class.
College?
She has a master's degree in English literature.
What a pity! Educating a beautiful woman is like pouring honey into a fine Swiss watch. Everything stops. And the doctor? He worships your father, too?
He insults him all the time.
Excellent!
What's good about that?
It makes life spicy.
He doesn't do it in front of me, but he does it with Mother. You know what he called Father one time?
No.
"Harold, the Patron Saint of Taxidermy."
What does he do--of an athletic nature?
Nothing. He plays a violin in a doctors' quartet.
Aha! He has a brilliant military record, I'm sure.
He was a stretcher-bearer in the Korean War. Were you in a war with Father?
Big ones, little ones, teeny-weeny ones--just and otherwise.
Tell me some true stories about Dad.
"Dad?" Dad. The boy wants tales of derring-do. Name a country.
England?
Oh hell.
Dad was never in England?
Behind a desk for a little while. A desk! They had him planning air raids. A city can't flee like a coward or fight like a man, and the choice between fleeing and fighting was at the core of the life of Harold Ryan. There was only one thing he enjoyed more than watching someone make that choice, and that was making the choice
"The sting."
As in "Death, where is thy sting?" He killed at least fifty men, wounded hundreds more.
"The sting."
Ask about the time he and I were parachuted into Yugoslavia to join a guerrilla band--in the war against the Nazis.
Tell me that.
I saw your father fight Major Siegfried von Konigswald, the Beast of Yugoslavia, hand to hand.
Tell me that! Tell me that!
Hid by day--fought by night. At sunset one day, your father and I, peering through field glasses, saw a black Mercedes draw up to a village inn. It was escorted by two motorcyclists and an armored car. Out of the Mercedes stepped one of the most hateful men in all of history--the Beast of Yugoslavia.
Wow.
We blacked our hands and faces. At midnight we crept out of the forest and into the village. The name of the village was Mhravitch. Remember that name!
Mhravitch.
We came up behind a sentry, and your father slit his throat before he could utter a sound.
Uck.
Don't care for cold steel? A knife is worse than a bullet?
I don't know.
The story gets hairier. Should I stop?
Go on.
We caught another Kraut alone in a back lane. Your father choked him to death with a length of piano wire. Your father was quite a virtuoso with piano wire. That's nicer than a knife, isn't it--as long as you don't look at the face afterwards. The face turns a curious shade of avocado. I must ask the doctor why that is. At any
Where did you get the poison?
We carried cyanide capsules. We were supposed to swallow them in case we were captured. It was your father's opinion that the Krauts needed them more than we did at the time.
Mhravitch. Remember that name.
Mhravitch.
The name will live forever. It was there that Harold Ryan slew the Beast of Yugoslavia. Mhravitch.
When I grow up, I'm going to go to Mhravitch.
It's rather a disappointment these days. It isn't there any more.
Sir?
The Germans shot everybody who lived there, then leveled it, plowed it, planted turnips and cabbages in the fertile ground. They wished revenge for the slaying of the Beast of Yugoslavia. To their twisted way of thinking, your father had butchered an Eagle Scout. Play lots of contact sports?
I wanted to go out for football, but Mom was afraid I'd get hurt.
You're supposed to get hurt!
Dr. Woodly says he's seen hundreds of children permanently injured by football. He says that when there's a war, everybody goes but football players.
Does it bother you to have your mother engaged to a man like that?
They're not engaged.
He seems to think they are. He told me that were.
Oh no, no, no, no, no. It can't be. How embarrassing.
You're a very good boy to respond that way.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'd like to use the sanitary facilities, if I may.
Yes, wife, it is. Come here, boy. Your father is home.
Wants to fix up her makeup, no doubt.
Is Looseleaf Harper alive?
Alive and hale. He's throwing a little surprise party for his own family. Is your mother often this unstable? Penelope!
She's a real heavy sleeper sometimes.
Why don't you go to bed--son.
I can't take my eyes off you.
Tomorrow's another day. PAUL You know what my English literature teacher said about you?
Can't it keep till morning?
She said you were legendary. I wrote a theme about you, and she said, "Your father is a legendary hero out of the Golden Age of Heroes."
That's nice. You thank her for me. Go to bed and get lots of sleep, and then you thank her in the morning.
Tomorrow's Saturday. Anyway, she's dead.
Penelope!
She was killed in the park two months ago--in the daytime.
Penelope!
She was on her way home from a meeting of the African Violet Society, and they got her.
Will you go to bed?
Yes sir. If you can't wake Mom up, I've got double-decker bunks.
Dad's got jungle fever, Mom. What'll I do? Mom!
Damn.
Play?
A hundred dollars!
The smallest thing I've got.
Can I get dressed first?
Dad--
Couldn't you have vanished quietly out the back door?
A hundred dollars for breakfast?
What kind of exercise?
I'm a man.
We've got to do something to make this boy's voice change. I wonder if we couldn't get bull balls somewhere, and fry 'em up. Still miss your mother?
No.
Dad?
Who was it?
Mom?
What's this?
Nothing.
That's a rifle you have?
No.
Of course it is. Is it loaded?
No.
That's a cartridge, if I'm not mistaken. Gunpowder, bullet, cartridge case, and fulminate of mercury percussion cap--all set to go. PAUL I was cleaning it.
Pick up that cartridge and slip it back into the chamber--where it belongs.
Gee whiz, Dad--
Welcome to manhood, you little sparrowfart! Load that gun!
Dad--
Then speak, by God! Can you fight with words?
I don't want to fight you.
Get mad! Tell me you don't like the way I treat your mother! Tell me you wish I'd never come home!
It's your house, Dad.
I don't know what I hope. But I don't think you care what I hope, anyway. You don't know me. You don't know her, either. I don't think you know anybody. You talk to everybody just the same.
I'm talking to you gently now.
How do you do. My name is Penelope Ryan. This is a simple-minded play about men who enjoy killing--and those who don't.
"Hamburger Heaven."
Can I help you, sir?
I think so, daughter. How old are you?
Eighteen-- and a half.
A springbok, an oryx, a gemsbok--a gazelle.
Sir?
Raw hamburger, please--and a whole onion. I want to eat the onion like an apple. Do you understand?
Yes, sir. It was a very unusual automobile. It was a Cadillac, but it had water buffalo horns where the bumpers should be. And what to drink?
What time do you get off work, my child?
I'm sorry, sir, I'm engaged to be married. My boyfriend would be mad if I went out with another man.
Did you ever daydream that you would one day meet a friendly millionaire?
I'm engaged.
Daughter--I love you very much.
You don't even know me.
You are woman. I know woman well.
This is crazy.
Destiny often seems that way. You're going to marry me.
What do you do for a living?
My parents died in an automobile accident when I was sixteen years old. They left me a brewery and a baseball team--and other things. I live for a living. I've just come back from Kenya--in Africa. I've been hunting Mau Mau there.
Some kind of animal?
How do you do?
How do you do, Mrs. Ryan? I'd heard you were beautiful, and so you are. Am I intruding here?
Not at all.
What's the matter?
Give us time.
Like hugging a lamp post.
Give us time, Harold--to adjust to your being alive.
You were well adjusted to my being dead?
We adjust to what there is to adjust to. Perhaps Paul, being young, can adjust to joy or grief immediately. I hope he can. I will take a little longer. I'll be as quick as I can.
What sort of time period do you have in mind? Half an hour? An hour?
I don't know. This is a new disease to me.
Disease?
Situation.
This reunion isn't what I imagined it would be.
A telegram--a phone call might have helped.
Seemed the most honest way to begin life together again--natural, unrehearsed.
Well--enjoy the natural, honest, unrehearsed result--surgical shock.
You feel that you're behaving as a woman should?
Bluh.
What's that all about?
We thought a doctor might help.
Your old beau?
We thought it was an emergency.
I don't want that chancre mechanic in here.
He's a very decent man, Harold.
We all are.
Shouldn't you lie down?
When I'm dead-- or fucking.
Paul said you were awfully sick.
You know what I want? I want you both to be friends. I know you both, respect you both. You should be friends.
Nothing would please me more.
I'm so glad you like each other. I was so scared, so scared.
Harold!
I could carve a better man out of a banana!
Please--
He doesn't deserve this! You don't know him. It isn't fair!
Awful. I can't tell you how sorry I am.
Say hello to your mother.
Now that's what I call fun.
Ghastly, cruel, unnecessary.
You'll get so you enjoy twitting weaklings again. You used to eat it up.
I did?
We were one hell of a pair--and we'll be one again. What we need is a honeymoon. Let's start right now.
A trip, you mean?
He hasn't had breakfast yet.
Honeymoon! Honeymoon! Say it: Honeymoon!
It's so--so stark.
You used to like it stark!
Just--bang--we have a honeymoon.
Now--turn around, if you would.
Turn around?
I'm going to touch your shoulders very gently now. You mustn't scream. So tense, so tense.
You shouldn't have talked to Norbert that way.
You're thinking with your brain instead of your body. That's why you're so tense! Forget Norbert. Relax. It's body time.
I have a brain.
I have some change!
Breakfast?
And lots of orange juice--oceans of orange juice.
Mrs. Wheeler is dead.
All right--bring me a side order of Mrs. Wheeler. Oh, hell--sit down, Colonel. Penelope will bring you some chow.
That is the most heartless statement I ever heard pass between human lips.
Which one?
"Bring me a side order of Mrs. Wheeler."
She's up in Heaven now. She didn't hear. She is experiencing nothing but pure happiness. There's nothing nicer than that. Chow! Harold Ryan wants chow!
What a honeymoon.
Honeymoon temporarily canceled. The boy should still go out and exercise. I have the impression he never gets any exercise. He simply bloats himself with Fig Newtons and bakes his brains over steam radiators.
You're wrong.
Chow, chow, chow! God damn it-- nutriment!
We're all going to have to go out for breakfast. The cook quit yesterday.
Cook, by God! Cook! You're the nigger now.
People don't use that word any more.
Don't lecture me on race relations. I don't have a molecule of prejudice. I've been in battle with every kind of man there is. I've been in bed with every kind of woman there is--from a Laplander to a Tierra del Fuegian. If I'd ever been to the South Pole, there'd be a hell of a lot of penguins who looked like me. Cook!
You leave me so--so without-- without dignity.
People now have dignity when frying eggs?
They don't have to feel like slaves.
I should have torn that door off its hinges. Should have scrogged her ears off. Should have broken the bed. What do you want? Well?
I--I was wondering--is there anything you shouldn't eat--because of jungle fever?
Let me guess--breakfast is served?
No.
What then?
I do not wish to be scrogged--ever. I never heard that word, but when I heard it, I knew it was one thing I never wanted to have happen to me.
That's what you're supposed to say.
This is not a coy deception. I do not want to be scrogged. I want love. I want tenderness.
You don't know you want. That's the way God built you!
I will not be scrogged. I remember one time I saw you wrench a hook from the throat of a fish with a pair of pliers, and you promised me that the fish couldn't feel.
It couldn't!
I'd like to have the expert opinion of the fish--along with yours.
Fish can't feel.
Well, I can. Some injuries, spiritual or physical, can be excruciating to me. I'm not a silly carhop any more. Maybe you're right about fish. When I was a carhop, I didn't feel much more than a fish would. But I've been sensitized. I have ideas now--and solid information. I know a lot more now--and a lot of it has to do with you.
Such as?...
The whole concept of heroism--and its sexual roots.
Tell me about its sexual roots.
It's complicated and I don't want to go into it now, because it's bound to sound insulting--even though nobody means for anybody to be insulted. It's just the truth.
I like the truth. I wouldn't be alive today if I weren't one of the biggest fans truth ever had.
Well--part of it is that heroes basically hate home and never stay there very long, and make awful messes while they're there.
Go on.
And they have very mixed feelings about women. They hate them in a way. One reason they like war so much is that they can capture enemy women and not have to make love to them slowly and gently. They can scrog them, as you say-- for revenge.
You learned this in some college course?
I learned a lot of things in college. Actually--it was Norbert who told me that.
The doctor.
Yes.
And what is his most cherished possession?
His most cherished possession? His violin, I guess.
And he keeps it in his apartment?
Yes.
And no one's there now?
I don't think so.
That's too bad. I would rather have him at home--to see what I'm going to do.
What are you going to do?
He did his best to destroy my most precious possession, which is the high opinion women have of me. I'm now going to even that score. I'm going to break in his door and I'm going to smash his violin.
No you're not!
Why not?
I came for my clothes.
Sneaking in the back door.
I rang. It seemed like the proper door for a servile, worthless organism to use.
Your clothes are at the city dump by now. Perhaps you can get a map from the Department of Sanitation.
I came for Paul as well.
If he wants to go.
You took him to the funeral, I hear.
He'd never seen a corpse. He's seen a dozen now.
A dozen?
It's a big and busy funeral home.
Did you like it, dear?
It isn't a matter of liking. It's a matter of getting used to death-- as a perfectly natural thing. Would you mind leaving? No woman ever walks out on Harold Ryan, and then comes back--for anything.
Unless she has nerve.
More nerve than the doctor, I must admit. He hasn't been home for two days. Has he suddenly lost interest in sleep and color television--and the violin?
He knows you shattered his violin.
I'm dying to hear of his reaction. The thrill of smashing something isn't in the smashing, but in the owner's reactions.
He cried.
About a broomstick and a cigar box--and the attenuated intestines of an alley cat.
Two hundred years old.
He feels awful loss--which was precisely my intention.
He had hoped that someone would be playing it still--two hundred years from now.
Things.
Well--what have we here? A family.
Almost a Christmas scene.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Just one favor.
Money? There's plenty of that. Mildred got the brewery. You'll probably get the baseball team.
Testimonials of that sort are--are beyond my range. I don't do them well. That's a failing, I know.
See how you've upset him. He was so merry and hale before you came home.
How unhappy he's going to be--alone in his room.
He'll play with his rifle, I expect. That will cheer him up.
Rifle?
I bought him a twenty-two yesterday--on the way home from Hamburger Heaven. And where is the good doctor? Have you two feathered a love nest somewhere?
He's in East St. Louis with his mother--visiting an aunt.
Last I heard, his mother was going alone.
He's afraid of you, Harold. He knew you'd want to fight him. He doesn't know anything about fighting. He hates pain.
And you, a supposedly healthy woman, do not detest him for his cowardice?
It seems highly intelligent to me.
What kind of a country has this become? The men wear beads and refuse to fight--and the woman adore them. America's days of greatness are over. It has drunk the blue soup.
Blue soup?
An Indian narcotic we were forced to drink. It put us in a haze--a honey-colored haze which was lavender around the edge. We laughed, we sang, we snoozed. When a bird called, we answered back. Every living thing was our brother or our sister, we thought. Looseleaf stepped on a cockroach six inches long, and we cried. We had a funeral that went on
Sounds quite beautiful.
Beautiful, you say? It wasn't life, it wasn't death--it wasn't anything! Beautiful? Seven years gone-- like that, like that! Seven years of silliness and random dreams! Seven years of nothingness, when there could have been so much!
Like what?
He's a child!
With an iron penis three feet long. Load it, boy.
You're begging him to kill you?
If he thinks he's man enough.
That's really what you want. You become furious when people won't make you dead.
I'm teaching my son to be a man.
So he can kill you. You hate your own life that much. You beg for a hero to kill you.
I plan to live one hundred years!
No you don't.
If that's the case--what's to prevent my killing myself?
Honor, I suppose.
What a handsome word.
But it's all balled up in your head with death. The highest honor is death. When you talk of these animals, one by one, you don't just talk of killing them. You honored them with death. Harold--it is not honor to be killed.
If you've lived a good life, fought well--
It's still just death, the absence of life--no honor at all. It's worse than the blue soup by far-- that nothingness. To you, though, it's the honor that crowns them all.
The old heroes are going to have to get used to this, Harold--the new heroes who refuse to fight. They're trying to save the planet. There's no time for battle, no point to battle anymore.
I feel mocked, insulted, with no sort of satisfaction in prospect. We don't have to fight with steel. I can fight with words. I'm not an inarticulate ape, you know, who grabs a rock for want of a vocabulary. Call him up in East St. Louis, Penelope. Tell him to come here.
No.
And my son, the only son of Harold Ryan--he's going to grow up to be a vanisher, too?
I don't know. I hope he never hunts. I hope he never kills another human being.
I'm going to call the police.
This is suicide. Go get the police.
No, we won't. No matter how it begins, it will end in death. Because it always does. Isn't that always how it ends, Harold--in death?
I'm turning off the alarm. I'm turning off everything.
Ah! The lady is armed.
I want you to get out of here, Norbert. Harold--I want you to sit down in the chair, and not lift a finger until Norbert is gone.
Whoever has the gun, you see, gets to tell everybody else exactly what to do. It's the American way.
I mean it!
Then you'd better fix your bayonet, because there aren't any bullets in the gun.
Help your mother find the bullet.
How do I load?
All right! Am I exceedingly dangerous now?
The National Safety Council would be appalled.
She's right, Norbert--go home. WOODLY I haven't said all I have to say.
Give me that Goddamn thing! Now get out of here, or I might kill you. Who knows?
You've killed women?
Norbert--you come, too. Let him go, Harold. Let him go.
Of course he can go--if he'll just go down on his hands and knees for a moment--and promise me that he does not find me comical in the least degree.
Ooops.
Ooops.
Can I--uh--help you gentlemen?
Gentlemen--that's nice.
The door ws unlocked. Is it always unlocked?
It's always locked.
But here you are inside, aren't you?
You're--you're old friends of Harold Ryan?
We tried to be. We tried to be.
He's dead, you know.
Hello? Oh--hello, Mother.
Hello, Mother.
...Who?... Did she say how far apart the pains were?... When was that?... Oh dear.
Oh dear.
Look--I'm sorry--I have to go.
We'll miss you so.
Look--this isn't my apartment, and there isn't anybody else here. Mrs. Ryan won't be home for a while.
Oh, oh, oh--I thought it was your apartment. You seemed at home here.
I mean--I can't leave you here. You'll have to go. I'll tell Mrs. Ryan you were here. You can come back later.
Ahh--then she's still alive.
She's fine. Please--
And still Mrs. Harold Ryan?
Will you please go? An emergency!
Yes! Yes! The boy! One boy!
And what, exactly, is your relationship to Mrs. Ryan?
Neighbor! Doctor! I live across the hall.
And you come into Mrs. Ryan's apartment as often as you please, looking into various health matters?
Just her neighbor and doctor? That's all?
And her fiancé!
And her fiancé! How nice. I hope you'll be very happy--or is that what one says to the woman?
You wish the woman good luck, and you tell the man how fortunate he is. That's how it goes.
I've literally got to run!
Safe and sound, I see. Oh--you came back.
How was the emergency, Doctor? Profitable, I hope.
A policeman delivered the baby in a taxicab.
Tough luck. You'll have to split the fee.
Are--are you crying, Penelope?
I feel the same way. What next?
What next? You leave promptly, of course. There is no question as to whose home this is--
None.
Whose son this is, whose wife that is. A fiancé is the most ridiculous appurtenance this household could have at this time. Good night.
Ah! You're ambulatory!
Well now--what seems to be the trouble with the patient today? A touch of malaria, perhaps?
I know malaria. Malaria isn't caused by the bites of bats.
You've been bitten by bats?
Colonel Harper and I once shared a treetop with a family of bats. There was a flash flood. There were piranha fish in the water. That's how Colonel Harper lost his little toe.
You have chills?
You can also describe its cure. I'm eating its cure.
I was going to ask.
Pacqualinincheewa root.
Would you say that again?
Pacqualinincheewa root. Means "cougar fang." Cures anything but a yellow streak down the back.
I've never heard of it.
Congratulations. By crossing twenty-eight feet of cockroach- infested carpet, you've become the third white man ever to hear of it.
Are you've seen it work cures?
Wasn't that sweet of me?
More and more we find ourselves laying aside false pride and looking into the pharmacopoeias of primitive people. Curare, ephedrine--we've found some amazing things.
We have, have we?
That's an editorial we, of course. I haven't turned up anything personally.
Good Lord.
I thought she was a widow.
I'm going to have to report you to the Department of Health.
What for?
It died for your sins.
This little corpse is intended as a lesson?
There's a certain amount of information there.
This is man to man.
It's healer to killer. Is that the same thing?
What brought you back?
The same hairy, humorless old gods who move you from hither to yon. "Honor, " if you like.
There's going to be no bloodshed here. I know how he'll fight--the only way he can fight: with words. The truth. Am I correct?
Yes.
I can defeat him with anything from flavored toothpicks to siege howitzers. But he got it into his little head that he could come here and demolish Harold Ryan with words. The truth! Correct?
Correct.
What an hallucination! Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear. Oh dearie me.
You haven't heard me yet.
You intend to crack my eardrums with your voice? Will I bleed from my every orifice? Who will clean up this awful mess?
You're a filthy, rotten bastard.
Oooooo. That hurt.
You're old--so old.
Now who's being cruel?
A living fossil! Like the cockroaches and the horseshoe crabs.
You're a son of a bitch.
I haven't told you, Harold, how comical I think you are.
Hands and knees, you say?
You're in one hell of a jam. You realize that?
I'm high as a kite.
Glands. You're supposed to be happy when you die. Call me comical again.
You're a clown. You're a clown who kills--but you're a clown.
I love you! Have a cigar!
Evolution has made you a clown-- with a cigar. Simple butchers like you are obsolete!
I'm to be left behind--in primordial ooze?
If you're at home in the ooze, and nowhere else.
This is going to become very physical. Are you prepared for that?
You're not such a creature of the ooze that you'd hurt an unarmed man.
I'm an honorable clown?
King Arthur.
You hope.
In any event, I will not beg for mercy.
No quarter asked. No quarter given.
Don't you laugh even inwardly at the heroic balderdash you spew?
Cut me open. Find out.
I've struck my blow.
With spittle?
I've poisoned you. HAROLD Lucretia Borgia? Something I drank or touched? You refused a cigar. That's it! Potassium cyanide in the humidor! Treacherous lover of peace!
I put a poisoned thought in your head. Even now that poison is seeping into every lobe of your mind. It's saying, "Obsolete, obsolete, obsolete," and, "Clown, clown, clown."
Poison.
You have a very good mind, or I wouldn't have come back. That mind is now asking itself, cleverly and fairly, "Is Harold Ryan really a clown?" And the answer is, "Yes."
I--I really must congratulate you. Something is happening in there.
You can never take yourself seriously again! Look at all the creatures you've protected us from! Did you shoot them on the elevator, as they were on their way up here to eat us alive?
No. WOODLY The magic root you gave me--I had it analyzed. It was discovered by a Harvard botanist in 1893! He explored your famous jungle for five years, armed with nothing but kindness, a talent for languages, and a pocketknife.
I see.
You aren't going to hurt me. You aren't going to hurt anybody any more. Any violent gesture will seem ridiculous--to yourself!
Don Quixote.
My violin is avenged!
Something seems to have happened to my self-respect.
And the hell with it. It was so tragically irrelevant, so preposterously misinformed.
The new hero is you.
I hate crowds, and I have no charisma--
You're too modest.
But the new hero will be a man of science and of peace--like me. He'll disarm you, of course. No more guns, no more guns.
Was I ever of use?
Here. Finish the job.
I'm utterly satisfied.
You're making a mistake. Obsolete old carnivores like me are most dangerous when wounded. You've wounded me.
More clowning! Don't you see?
We never quit fighting until we're dead.
You'd be killing a friend. Don't you know how much I like you?
I'm going to shoot you now.
No!
My self-respect is gone--and my soldier's honor with it. It is now very easy for me to shoot an unarmed man.
New dignity can be yours--as a merciful man. You can change!
Like the saber-toothed tiger.
Oh God--you're really going to kill me. HAROLD It won't hurt as much as the sting of a bumblebee. Heaven is very much like Paradise, they say. You'll like it there.
Can I beg for mercy--on my knees?
If you want to be found that way.
What is this thing that kills me?
Man, as man was meant to be--a vengeful ape who murders. He will soon be extinct. It's time, it's time.
Don't shoot.
No. No.
Get up.
No.
Can't do it.
Thank you--for my life.
It's trash now, like mine.
New lives begin!
Somewhere in this city. Not here, not here. Tell Penelope I loved her--in my clownish way. And Paul. Tell him to be a healer, by all means.
What are you going to do?
Use the sanitary facilities, if I may.
Leave the rifle here.
I'll put it in Paul's room, where it belongs.
Give me your word of honor that that's all you're going to do.
Jesus--I dunno. You know. What the heck. Who knows?
Colonel Harper, retired now, dropped an atom bomb on Nagasaki during the Second World War, killing seventy-four thousand people in a flash.
I dunno, boy.
You don't know?
It was a bitch.
And you went home unannounced, too?
Alice got married again.
She did?
You didn't even find that out?
There was so much going on.
She married an accountant named Stanley Kestenbaum.
Dead!
Jesus.
Alice is dead?
No, no--shit no. Excuse me, Penelope.
For what?
For saying "shit." Or is that okay now?
Who's dead?
My mother-in-law. Fire engines, pulmotors, doctors, cops, coroners--
What happened?
Well--I walked up to the front door. I was still alive. Big surprise. I rang the doorbell, and old Mrs. Wheeler answered. She had her Goddamn knitting. I said, "Guess who?" She conked right out.
How horrible.
And you, Colonel? Let me guess: You don't know.
So long, you guys.
What will you do, Colonel?
Mr. Ryan just borrowed my birthday cake. I don't really know him.
Thought you were another wife, maybe.
I'm only ten years old.
That's what he wanted--a ten-year- old wife. He'd come home from a war or a safari, and he'd wind up talking to the little kids.
Won't you please join our club? Please?
Aha! Hello! You're Mildred, right?
I heard you were looking for me.
You were Harold Ryan's third wife. Right?
Yes.
You want to join the Harold Ryan Fan Club? Wear a pink jacket with a yellow streak up the back?
Because he was cruel?
Premature ejaculation.
Ach soooooooooo. MILDRED No grown woman is a fan of premature ejaculation. Harold would come home trumpeting and roaring. He would the kick the furniture with his boots, spit into corners and the fireplace. He would make me presents of stuffed fish and helmets with holes in them. He would tell me that he had now earned the reward that only a woman could
That is sad.
Is it? I have this theory about why men kill each other and break things.
Ja?
She's my date tonight. What do you want her to do--bring the poor old jaguars back to life with a bicycle pump? Bugger off! Ask Paul what he thinks. Your mother looks beautiful--right? Kid? Doesn't your mother look nice? Paul?
I don't care what she wears.
Something's made you sore.
Don't worry about it.
You bet I'll worry about it. I said something wrong?
It's my father's birthday--that's all. That's all. Who cares about that?
I had not the slightest inkling. Why didn't you say so?
She doesn't care! She's not married any more! She's going to have fun! I hope you have so much fun you can hardly stand it. Dr. Woodly--I hope you make up even better jokes about my father than the ones you've said so far.
Kid--kid--
And I wish you'd quit touching me all the time. It drives me nuts!
What's this?
Don't!
You sure misunderstood something-- and we'd better get it straight.
Don't touch me. Get out of the way.
I worship your father. That stuffed alligator your mother gave me--the one he shot? It's the proudest thing in my apartment.
Thank God!
That goes double for me.
I don't want to live any more.
I feel like I want to yell my head off--just yell anything. Bulllllllllllllll-dickey!
I'll kill myself.
Don't touch me.
Wouldn't you rather have your mother marry me than him?
No.
And this is my son, Paul. He was only four years old when his father disappeared.
He's coming back, Mom! He's the bravest, most wonderful man who ever lived.
I told you this was a simple-minded play.
Maybe he'll come back tonight! It's his birthday.
I know.
Stay home tonight!
Oh, Paul--
You're married! You've already got a husband!
He's a ghost!
He's alive!
Not even Mutual of Omaha thinks so anymore.
If you have to go out with some guy--can't he be more like Dad? Herb Shuttle and Norbert Woodly-- can't you do better than those two freaks?
Thank you, kind sir.
A vacuum cleaner salesman and a fairy doctor.
A what kind of doctor?
A fairy--a queer. Everybody in the building knows he's a queer.
That's an interesting piece of news.
You're the only woman he ever took out.
Not true.
Still lives with his mother.
You know she has no feet! You want him to abandon his mother, who has no husband, who has no money of her own, who has no feet?
How did she lose her feet?
In a railroad accident many years ago.
I was afraid to ask.
Norbert was just beginning practice. A real man would have sold her to a catfood company, I suppose. As far as that goes, J. Edgar Hoover still lives with his mother.
I didn't know that.
A lot of people don't.
J. Edgar Hoover plays sports.
I don't really know.
I hate that thing.
Where will you be?
Are you and Dr. Woodly engaged?
Who have you been talking to?
Yes, he is.
Is Norbert still here?
No.
Then who flushed the toilet?
Father's friend.
What's his name?
Don't know.
Mom?
That man is your father.
What?
There stands the loins from which you've sprung.
I don't get it.
That's why I'm crying.
What are his symptoms?
Shivers and sweats and groans. His teeth chatter. What'll we do?
What does he say to do?
Really?
It is an emergency, isn't it?
Yeah.
Then get him.
Peace, everybody--Paul, Penelope.
You're taking Mom out tonight?
We don't have a maid any more.
Everything stays as it is!
A monument to a man who thought that what the world needed most was more rhinoceros meat.
My father!
I apologize. But you didn't know him, and neither did I. How's your asthma?
Don't worry about it.
How's the fungus around your thumbnail?
It's fine!
I hate that thing.
It came yesterday. I haven't opened it yet.
I didn't get his name. A friend of your father?
He isn't any friend of Father.
He isn't?
He is my father.
Please--
He's not anybody to tell somebody else what to do in a master bedroom.
I keep having this nightmare--that he catches us.
Doing what?
He'd kill me. He'd be right to kill me, too--the kind of guy he is.
Or was. We haven't done anything wrong, you know.
He'd assume we had.
That's something I suppose.
All through the day I'm so confident. That's why I'm such a good salesman, you know? I have confidence, and I look like I have confidence, and that gives other people confidence. People laugh sometimes when they find out I'm a vacuum cleaner salesman. They stop laughing, though, when they find out I made forty-three thousand dollars last year. I've got six other salesmen
I'm glad.
I was captain of the wrestling team at Lehigh University.
I know.
If you want to wrestle, you got Lehigh. If you want to play tennis, you go to Vanderbilt.
I don't want to go to Vanderbilt.
Yes?
Something happens to my confidence.
This conversation took place, incidentally, about three months before Harold was declared legally dead.
When Harold is definitely out of the picture, Penelope, when I don't have to worry about doing him wrong or you wrong or Paul wrong. I'm going to ask you to be my wife.
I'm touched.
That's when I'll get my confidence back.
I see.
If you'll pardon the expression, that's when you'll see the fur and feathers fly. Good night.
Coming.
Gentlemen! Is this right for a fight? It's been so long.