Beautiful! I've never seen that coat.
What then?
Did you see him?
Yeah.
Is he all right?
Far as I know.
Is he coming home?
He ditched me. He started running, and I started running, then he lost me in the park.
The park!
It's dark in there. PENELOPE And that's where he is!
I figure he ducked in one place and ducked out another.
You figure!
Then I saw this bakery store that was still open, so I bought a birthday cake.
A what?
For Harold. When Paul comes home, we can have some birthday cake.
How nice.
Did you talk to Paul?
Before he started to run. He said his father carried a key to this apartment around his neck--and someday we'd all hear the sound of that key in the door.
We've got to find him. I want you to show me exactly where you saw him last. And you stay here, Norbert, in case he comes home. That's all he said--the thing about the key?
He said one other thing. It wasn't very nice.
What was it?
What's the matter now?
Possibly.
How long has this been going on?
A week. We were waiting for the right time to--
I feel as though I had been made a perfect chump of.
I'm sorry.
Marry me instead.
Thank you, Herb. You're a wonderful man. You really are. Everybody respects you for what you've done for scouting and the Little League.
You're saying no.
I'm saying no--and thank you.
I didn't make my move fast enough. That's it, isn't it? I was too respectful.
You were wonderful.
It's true.
You and Harold are friends?
I am Dr. Norbert Woodly--a physician, a healer. I find it disgusting and frightening that a killer should be a respected member of society. Gentleness must replace violence everywhere, or we are doomed.
Herb Shuttle is taking me to a fight.
Take plenty of cigars.
We made the date three months ago.
I must take you to an emergency ward sometime--on a Saturday night. That's also fun. I came to see Selma, as a matter of fact.
The animals made her sneeze and cry too much.
I'm glad somebody finally cried. Every time I come in here and see all this unnecessary death, I want to cry. I don't cry, of course. Not manly, you know. Did she try antihistamines?
They made her so sleepy she couldn't work.
"War is not healthy for children and other living things." How lovely.
Oh no! Wear a coat of cotton--wear a coat of wool.
What?
I never knew when to hold it--or who to ask, or what to say.
This is very good for us.
It is?
The wilder Paul is tonight, the calmer he'll be tomorrow.
As long as he keeps out of the park.
After this explosion, I think, he'll be able to accept the fact that his mother is going to marry again.
The only thing I ever told him about life was, "Keep out of the park after the sun goes down."
We've got to dump Shuttle. He brings his vacuum cleaner on dates?
That's the XKE.
The what?
It's an experimental model. He doesn't dare leave it in his car, for fear it will fall into the hands of competition.
What kind of a life is that?
He told me one time what the proudest moment of his life was. He made Eagle Scout when he was twenty-nine years old. Oh, Norbert--promise me that Paul has not gone into the park!
If you warned him against it as much as you say, it's almost a certainty.
No! Oh no! Three people murdered in there in the last six weeks! The police won't even go in there any more.
I wish Paul luck.
It's suicide!
I'd be dead by now if that were the case.
Meaning?
Every night, Penelope, for the past two years, I've made it a point to walk through the park at midnight.
Why would you do that?
To show myself how brave I am. The issue's in doubt, you know--since I'm always for peace--
I'm amazed.
Me, too. I know something not even the police know--what's in the park at midnight. Nothing. Or, when I'm in there, there's me in there. Fear and nobody and me.
And maybe Paul. What about the murderers? They're in there!
They didn't murder me.
Paul's only twelve years old.
He can make the sound of human footsteps--which is a terrifying sound.
We've got to rescue him.
If he is in the park, luck is all that can save him now, and there's plenty of that.
He's not your son.
No. But he's going to be. If he is in the park and he comes out safely on the other side, I can say to him, "You and I are the only men with balls enough to walk through the park at midnight." On that we can build.
It's a jungle out there.
That's been said before.
You know each other?
We met here earlier this evening.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
I'm taking her to the airport a few minutes from now. She's going to East St. Louis--to visit an aunt.
Tell her to have a nice trip.
Get out of here.
You fool, you fool.
Everything's going to be beautiful.
Do it!
Hi kid. Would you look what the car dragged in.
I'm glad you brought your vacuum cleaner.
Is that a fact?
You've got to fight from time to time.
Not true.
Or get eaten alive.
That's not true either--or needn't be, unless we make it true.
Phooey.
We simply stop doing that--dropping things on each other, eating each other alive.
The late Mrs. Harold Ryan.
I'm sick of this argument. I just have one more thing to say: If you elect a President, you support him, no matter what he does. That's the only way you can have a country!
It's the planet that's in ghastly trouble now and all our brothers and sisters thereon.
None of my relatives are Chinese Communists. Speak for yourself.
Chinese maniacs and Russian maniacs and American maniacs and French maniacs and British maniacs have turned this lovely, moist, nourishing blue-green ball into a doomsday device. Let a radar set and a computer mistake a hawk or a meteor for a missile, and that's the end of mankind.
Start with the smallest weights. Every week add a pound or two.
Maybe God has let everybody who ever lived be reborn--so he or she can see how it ends. Even Pithecanthropus erectus and Australopithecus and Sinanthropus pekensis and the Neanderthalers are back on Earth--to see how it ends. They're all on Times Square--making change for peepshows. Or recruiting Marines.
You ever hear the story about the boy who carried a calf around the barn every day?
He died of a massive rupture.
You think you're so funny. You're not even funny. Right? Right? You don't hurt yourself if you start out slow.
Kid--kid--
It's good. Let him go.
If he'd just come out for the Little League, the way I asked him, he'd find out we touch all the time--shove each other, slug each other, and just horse around. I'm going to go get him--
If he'd just get into scouting, and camp out some, and see how everybody roughhouses around the fire--
What a beautiful demonstration this is of the utter necessity of rites of passage.
Minors aren't allowed at fights.
"Happy Birthday, Wanda June!"
We have this new club up here in Heaven.
Yes, we do.
We only have two members so far, but it's growing all the time.
We have enough for a shuffleboard team. In Heaven, shuffleboard is everything. Hitler plays shuffleboard.
Albert Einstein plays shuffleboard.
Mozart plays shuffleboard.
Lewis Carroll, who wrote Alice in Wonderland, plays shuffleboard.
Jack the Ripper plays shuffleboard.
Walt Disney, who gave us Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, plays shuffleboard. Jesus Christ plays shuffleboard.
It was almost worth the trip--to find out that Jesus Christ in Heaven was just another guy, playing shuffleboard. I like his sense of humor, though--you know? He's got a blue-and-gold warm-up jacket he wears. You know what it says on the back? "Pontius Pilate Athletic Club." Most people don't get it. Most people think there really is a Pontius Pilate Athletic Club.
We're going to have jackets, aren't we?
Hello. My name is Beatrice. Have you been here before?
No.
What we offer here is nude body to body contact on a bed in a private room. It's twenty dollars a half hour, thirty dollars an hour. Anything else you desire may be discussed in the privacy of your room. Tips are allowed. We accept Bank Americard, Master Charge and American Express.
I don't really want... 'body to body contact.'
No. I don't think so.
You're not exactly the type we're looking for.
You mean I'm black?
No, just not the type.
What do you mean, not the type? Don't you know who I am? I'm Big Dick Brown! I've been in more porno movies than you ever saw. I've worked with Harry Reems. I've worked with Johnny Wad. Not the type! I can come ten times a day. I can keep it hard two hours at a time. My cock is nine inches long.
I'm sorry, Mr. Brown. I'm sure you're very good, but at the moment, I've got nothing for you. If something comes up, we'll give you a call.
The boy your daughter was talking to didn't work at the park. We've interviewed everybody there.
But is she, has...
There's no evidence of any foul play at present. I hope she's just a runaway.
There's something wrong here. Kristen is not the type of girl to just up and leave.
I said I hope she's a runaway. Better that than she just disappears like so many others do. Sometimes they turn up years later, sometimes not. A lot of crimes go unreported, unknown. These are realities.
What are you doing?
Apparently your friend has gone into Mexico. A Border Guard responded to the APB. How does it feel to have the L.A.P.D. doing your work for you?
You're going to thank me for this. You know what the media's like. They love this kinda shit. If that guy goes off half-cocked and gets himself hurt, you're going to have so much bad publicity, you...
I heard you the first time. We had nothing to go on with this kid. Just a runaway. Do you really think he's in danger?
If he has anything to say about it, yeah. I've been asking a lot of questions and I don't like the answers I'm getting. He's made a lot of people nervous, including some poor faggot who thought he was going to be a movie star.
We aren't gonna arrest him for that...
Big threat. TV would ream you.
No.
We offer Female Wrestling, that is, nude body to body contact, with a girl of your choice in a private room. Twenty dollars a half hour, thirty dollars hour. Any other arrangements may be discussed in the privacy of your room. Tipping is permitted. We accept Bank Americard, Master Charge and American Express.
Yeah.
Do you want to take a session?
I just want to ask some questions.
You may do that in the privacy of your room.
Okay. I'll take a half hour.
Do you have any particular choice of girl?
You're still dressed?
Well, I want to...
There's a girl I want to ask you about.
You're not Vice, are you? Do you work for the Los Angeles Police Department, or do you have any other affiliation with any law enforcement agency?
No, I don't.
Well, actually I wanted to ask about this girl. I have her picture here.
Pull out your cock.
What?
No, Felice, I'm not a cop. In fact, right now I've got as little respect for the police as you do. I'm looking for a girl. A runaway. I need someone to help me.
Are you going to stiff me?
What do you mean?
Look, that twenty dollars you just paid, I don't get any of that. That goes to the guys that own this place. I get two bucks an hour, minus ten percent for a bail fund. I make all my money on tips.
You want a tip?
Sure. What do you want? Tips can be anywhere from thirty dollars to seventy dollars.
What do you mean?
What do you want to tip me for? Look, you got to spell it out. Whatever you want, just say it.
Now, what do you want?
I said I just wanted to talk to you...
That's cool.
...about this woman. I'm trying to find her. Do you know her?
I'm getting angry.
Wait a minute, that's going to cost you more than forty bucks.
Who is it? That blond guy? Where is he? I'm going to talk to someone.
Wait?
I'd like to place a 'Personals' ad in the Free Press.
How many weeks?
Just one.
'Film Producer' -- that should be in caps, bold face.
Okay.
Hello. You want some information?
Yeah.
We offer...
Yeah, yeah...
...the disciplines: bondage, domination and humiliation.
I'm looking for Tod. Is he in?
I don't know no Tod.
What girls you got here?
My name is Hope. This is Faith. Charity's in back.
That's all you got, three girls?
Man, how many girls do you need?
I was told there was a real nice girl here named Joanne. Quite young.
Is this all the display space we can get?
What do you think of this... ah, shade of blue, Mary.
I like it, Mr. Van Dorn.
Don't you think it's a little too... bright?
Not really. But if you want me to tone it down...
No, that would be much too overpowering.
Yeah, overpowering. That was the word I was looking for.
Mr. Van Dorn, I've worked on the color scheme for weeks. I think it's just right.
What's that shade of blue called?
Are you still going with that fella that teaches at Grand Valley?
Sam?
Yeah. He's a nice guy. Don't lose him. Maybe we could tone down this stripe a bit. It's a little...
Overpowering?
Yeah.
Okay, Mr. Van Dorn, I think we could knock that Pavonine blue a bit.
Are you sure it's all right?
Yes. I think it'll look better.
Kristen went on that convention today, didn't she?
Are you the star of this picture?
You kidding? Three days work. I finish tonight.
The other girl is the star?
She thinks so. What do you do?
I work with Ramada. We're doing some pictures together.
Are you Niki?
Sure. Like in Mikey and Niki. Did you see that picture?
No.
It's your money. You talk.
I'm making a film. Jim Sullivan's going to be in it. He said you might know where Tod is.
Do I know you? Weren't you on the set the other night? With Ramada.
Yeah.
You making a feature?
Um-hm. Live sound.
Joanne?
You know her?
No. I saw her with Tod.
Do you know where she lives?
Nah.
Where is she?
Tod might know.
Where's he?
Last I heard he went to San Diego.
If we went there, would you be able to find him?
You're not a film producer, are you?
Are you a private detective?
Something like that. How much do you make?
Here? What a joke. There was some detective asking about that girl.
Three hundred?
This is just temporary. I once made nine hundred in outcall.
I'll give you $700 a week, cash, if you help me find this girl.
Up front?
Half now, half later.
Make it nine hundred. That was my best week.
Okay. My client pays for it anyway.
When do we start?
Tonight. When you get out, we'll go. Why didn't you tell the other detective?
I thought you were going to bed?
No.
Huh?
You have anything to drink? You want to go out and get something?
I don't drink, but you can go out.
You don't drink?
You're not a private detective either, are you?
No.
I didn't think so. I've fucked detectives. Who are you?
A friend.
Of Joanne's?
Yeah. I'm her father.
Jesus.
Her name is Kristen. She disappeared a couple of months ago.
And your wife? Where's she?
She's dead.
You really shouldn't eat like that. All that sugar. It's not good for you.
At least I'm a growing person.
You won't keep growing at this rate.
What rate?
You know what I'm talking about.
You never met a working girl before, have you? You think I like sucking off guys all night? Maybe I do. So what? You can't even say it, can you?
Say what?
'Sucking off.'
Okay. Sucking off. Now does that make me as good as you?
You don't understand shit.
Okay, tell me. Why do you live like you do?
Did you ever live in a room with six people and you didn't have any money, any food, any furniture? Have your brother come out, his car break down, he can't get a job? Your friends stealing food, going through trash behind a supermarket?
Is that the way it was with you?
Don't knock it. A girl can save up a lot money doing this -- big money. Then you're free. You can go off to Europe, meet somebody, get married. My girlfriend's going to buy her own beauty parlor. Not me. I'm gonna travel. 'Keep movin' that's my motto. Would you rather work at Copper Penny at a dollar-eighty an hour, having every two-bit cocksucker
You used to work at Copper Penny?
No.
You and I, Niki, have very different ideas about sex.
Why? Are you a sex fiend?
No.
Neither am I.
But it's all you do.
How important do you think sex is?
Not very.
I don't see why I must justify myself to you. I don't care about the things you do. I don't care what's happening in New York or Los Angeles. I don't care about movies or TV. I don't care who's on Johnny Carson.
What do you care about?
What's T-J?
Tijuana.
They were here?
Tod was. He was with Ratan.
What does that mean? What does he do?
He deals in pain.
You have to believe in something. What do they believe in -- the Whatjamacillit church?
Christian Reformed. It's a Dutch Calvinist denomination.
Do they believe in reincarnation? I believe in reincarnation.
They believe in the 'TULIP.'
What the crap?
It's an anagram. It comes from the Canons of Dort. Every letter stands for a different belief. T-U-L-I-P. Like -- are you sure you're interested in this?
Yeah, yeah, go on.
T stands for Total depravity, that is, all men, through original sin, are totally evil and incapable of good. 'All my works are like filthy rags in the sight of the Lord.'
Be that as it may. U is for Unconditional Election. God has chosen a certain number of people to be saved, The Elect, and He has chosen them from the beginning of time. L is for Limited Atonement. Only a limited number will be atoned, will go to Heaven.
Fuck.
I can stop if you want.
I is for Irresistible Grace. God's grace cannot be resisted or denied. And P is for the Perseverance of the Saints. Once you are in Grace you cannot fall from the number of the elect. And that's the 'TULIP.'
Wait, wait. I'm trying to figure this out. This is like Rona Barrett. Before you become saved, God already knows who you are?
He has to. That's Predestination. If God is omniscient, if He knows everything -- and He wouldn't be God if He didn't -- then He must have known, even before the creation of the world, the names of those who would be saved.
So it's already worked out. The fix is in?
More or less.
Wow. Then why be good? Either you're saved or you ain't.
Out of gratitude for being chosen. That's where Grace comes in. God first chooses you, then allows you, by Grace, to choose Him of your own free will.
You really believe all that?
Yeah. Well, mostly.
I thought I was fucked up.
I'll admit it's confusing from the outside. You've got to see it from the inside.
If you see anything from the inside it makes sense. You ought to hear perverts talk. A guy once almost had me convinced to let his dachshund fuck me.
It's not quite the same thing.
Tod'll meet you at the bookstore at Eddy and O'Farrell tomorrow noon. I told him you were a 'specialty' customer.
Rot in hell, honey. He's busy now.
Where does he live.
I must have been in more motel rooms this week than in the rest of my life. At least it feels that way.
I know what you mean. After a while they all look the same.
They are the same.
Do you live in a house back in wherever.
Grand Rapids? Of course.
Look, I really don't know your daughter but...
But what?
I wouldn't expect too much. I mean about her coming back. Once a girl gets into the life.
What makes you so sure?
Why do you say that?
She left you right?
Yeah. She was the one called Joanne. How'd you find that out?
I don't blame you, Niki. Really I don't. It's this culture, where everything's based on sex, sold on sex... ...magazines, music, TV. It's destroying everything. Buy this 'cause of sex, use this 'cause of sex. Kids think it's normal. They think they're supposed to talk dirty, wear scanty clothes...
Don't get upset. I lied too. I don't make no five hundred dollars a week. Everything I make goes to Granville.
Granville?
Look, Niki, this really isn't my business. I don't know anything about...
Did you find out where she was?
Tod gave me the slip. I have to find him again. Where does he live?
What happened?
Where is he?
Listen, Niki. My daughter's been missing five months. I've gone through a lot to find out what's happened to her. I just saw a girl killed. I will not let Tod slip out of my hands. You have to tell me where he is.
But then you'll forget about me.
Those cops, like all cops, are intelligent enough, but they are masters of de-ductive reason. That is, you ask them what three and two are they'll tell you five, but if you ask them what five is, they go blank. That's spec-u-lative reasoning, and that's where I come in.
Well, what do they know?
Dogshit. Worse yet, they don't care.
So then, Mr. Mast...
Andy.
...What do you have to offer?
No, I didn't think she was. Let me get the picture here. Let me guess. She was an absolutely clean girl, a model daughter, she never had rebellious or impure thoughts, she didn't fuck around...
If I was you, Mr. Mast, I'd watch my language.
Hey, I'm a private detective, Van Dorn, you want to hire a choir boy you can go back to Grand Rapids. I've been to that scumbag town. It's full of them.
Who's paying you?
You are.
That's right.
As I was saying, I'll pick up the thread. There's a number of ways I can go. There's not much you can do here. Stay if you want. Maybe it'd be better if you went back home. Go through Kristen's personal stuff. Ask around, maybe she knew somebody out here. Look, I do this a lot. I work at a minimum rate of $750.00
And better?
Hello?
Mr. Van Dorn?
Mast?
Yeah.
Where are you? The connection sounds very good.
I'm back in Grand Rapids.
In G.R.? Why?
Can you meet me in about an hour? At the Pantlind Hotel?
I've got a meeting...
What are you paying me for?
This used to be a real city. I was here about fifteen years ago. Embezzlement case. It was always a little religious for my taste, but at least it was a city. With a downtown and all.
What have you found out?
I've got some news. Your daughter's all right. At least I think she is.
Where is she?
I don't know.
What do you mean?
Have you ever seen any, ah, pornographic movies, Jake?
No.
Do you know what a "hardcore" movie is?
That's like a stag film.
Yeah. You ever seen any of those?
No.
They're legal now.
They are?
Yeah. All over. Even here in Grand Rapids.
Hmm.
Where is she?
I don't know.
I bought it at a store in L.A.
Who made it?
I don't know.
Wait. Slow down. A film like this, 16mm, cost two three hundred dollars, sold outright, shown in peep machines, maybe theatres, maybe not, is almost impossible to track. 'Nobody' makes it; 'nobody' shows it; 'nobody' sees it. It's like it doesn't even exist.
What's it called?
It was called 'Slave of Love' when I bought it. Next time it's sold, it'll be called something else.
But the police...
The police? They know less than you do.
Do you think she's safe?
Yeah. Probably.
You like this, don't you. Showing me... this.
I ain't cheated you, Pilgrim. This is research, damn it! That girl could have told us something.
Oh, fuck off. You should stay where you belong.
I'm only human, you know.
Get out.
But this is my apartment.
What are you doing here?
I felt like such a shit, pilgrim, after what I did to you -- not that I did anything wrong -- that I kept investigating, poking around. There's some poor s.o.b. in L.A. with his face all bent out of shape who you've damaged his movie career. Lucky for him, people don't look at his face.
Do the police want to arrest me?
Nah. They don't care about some faggot hustler. They're more interested in your daughter's health -- and yours. Like I am.
Yeah, sure.
Listen, pilgrim, you're way out on a limb here. You don't know what you're into.
You sure as hell haven't been any help.
I'm sorry about that. Have you found anything out? You've got to tell me.
Why don't you tell me something for a change?
Like what?
Where'd you hear that name?
You know, it's possible to buy anything on this earth. You can buy child whores, slaves. You can have people raped, killed... One of the men who supposedly arranges such things is named Ratan. He usually isn't in this country. How'd you hear about him?
It's just a name.
Don't do anything more. I'll find out what I can.
Does she know anything about this?
What happened, pilgrim?
Just leave me alone.
Andy, can you do something for her? Maybe money...
You want to go for coffee after we send the girls off?
No. Thanks anyway. I've got to get over to the office.
What is it, Jake?
What happened?
Is Marsha there?
Yeah. She's quite upset. I'm going to fly out today. They want me to bring some pictures.
How's your business, Jake?
Pretty good.
Jake?
How did you find me?
Wes, do me a favor.
What?
Just do what I say. Don't ask.
What is going on?
I think I've found a way to find Kristen. I have a plan. But I have to be alone.
What plan?
You don't want to know. Now, Wes, leave, please. For me.
What will I tell the others? They care about you.
Hey man.
We're casting for an explicit sex action feature...
I know. Word's out on the street -- word's also out you ain't really hiring anyone.
That's not true, Mr...?
Jim Sullivan. Sometimes they call me Jism Jim.
Oh yeah? I've done a lot of good stuff. Shorts, features. No major roles it's true. But good stuff.
Oh yeah? I remember that. It was made by some college kids.
It was called 'Slave of Love.'
God, I don't know what it was called. I never saw it. I only got twenty- five bucks for the whole Goddamned thing.
Hey, stop, stop. I'll do anything you want. It's okay. I can dig it. You can do anything you want to me.
Where is she? Where is the girl?
She's got a man. A white guy. Tod something or other.
Where does he hang out?
I don't know.
Where!
I hear you got money to spend. I hear you're interested in... interesting things.
Yeah.
Do you work for the San Francisco Police Department, or do you have any other affiliation with any law enforcement agency?
No.
What you got in mind?
I want to meet Ratan.
What is that? A kind of chair? I never heard of no Ratan.
I was told that there were certain things that only Ratan could provide.
You're talking about real excitement?
Yeah. I heard you and Ratan just came from Mexico. And that you had a film of a girl being, ah you know...
Who told you about this?
Rucker.
I don't know no Ratan, but I may be able to help you out. It's not me, of course. Just helping out a friend. It'll cost you five hundred bucks for a single screening.
Is this with a girl named Kristen?
Um-hm. You got the five hundred?
Well...
Take it or leave it.
Okay.
Meet me here today at seven o'clock. With the money. Then we'll go see the film.
What do you want? Do I know you from somewhere?
I want to know where my daughter is. Her name is Kristen, or Joanne. She's with you.
You wait here. I'll find out where she is.
Where's Ratan?
That film was a fake! Everything's phony...
Who the fuck knows? The Four Aces. He goes there.
Fifty cents admission.
What?
Do you have a, ah, film called 'Slave of Love?'
What we got is just these here. What you see.
It's a short film.
This is from the movie I was talking about.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I wondered if you had ever seen this film or this woman... ...right here.
That girl? No, never saw her. I don't know anybody.
I'm just trying to find... Who owns this store?
I don't know. Look, man, if you're looking for somebody maybe you ought to see the cops.
But I...
You don't want anything for your fifty cents?
Here. Take your fifty cents back.
That's all right.
No. I walked up. Don't ride elevators.
My secretary said you wanted to discuss a business proposition.
Yes. I'm interested in financing an adult feature film. I was told you were the man to come to.
I've got fifty thousand dollars to invest.
Oh. Why is it that you want to get into film financing?
Well, Bill -- mind if I call you Bill? Let me be frank. I've made a lot of money. I've got my own business in Detroit. Rivets. I make rivets and sell them to Fisher Body. Well, rivets, you know, can get pretty boring after a while. When my business manager told me I should shelter some money, I thought I'd try this.
What exactly do you have in mind?
I thought I'd invest in a film. I want to sort of become involved in the process of making a film, meet the people who make films, learn how it's done...
In other words, you want to get laid?
Not exactly...
It's cool. Why do you think I got in the movies? How much poon do you think you get in the car wash business? Look, fifty thousand dollars buys a lot of pussy. You can get your joint pulled by beautiful girls every night for the rest of your life for fifty thousand dollars. So why fuck with the movie business?
It's an investment.
If you want to watch when we shoot a film, for fifty bucks, I let guys stand around and watch. It's a lot cheaper.
I thought you were a businessman.
Don't get me wrong. A couple years ago, I woulda jumped at fifty thousand dollars possible financing. But the Lord's been good to me. I can now finance any films I choose. Big ones, small ones. Right now we're setting up a two hundred thousand dollar feature film. Live sound. I like to keep my own money in my films. That way you don't
Jake.
...I'd just start my own business. That's what I did. Get into kid porn. That's big now. Why don't you come around the set? Meet some people. If you still want to invest, I'll ask around.
Sounds all right.
I got a picture here. I want you to tell me where to find this woman. I been asking everybody. Nobody knows anything.
Calm down, mister. You don't want to get the cops in here do you? You got a family?
I don't suppose you've ever seen this girl before either? Her name's Kristen, but I suppose you've never seen her?
Why don't you just go outdoors, mister? Cool off.
Hold it, mister.
You going to Knott's Berry Farm with him?
He asked me. You going with anybody?
I don't know.
You ever play Chicken?
What's that?
You never heard of that?
Com'on, tell me.
What does that do?
Ssh. I'm on a stakeout.
I'm staking out this beer bottle. Trying to find out if I'll finish it or it'll finish me.
I'm worried about Jake.
I'm off that case. He fired me.
He didn't look good at all. Something strange is going on. He's got himself into some trouble. He wouldn't say what.
I want to rehire you. To find out what's happening to my brother-in- law.
I've been on another case. All day. I suppose I can move it over. Seven fifty a week, plus travel expenses.
Maybe. Maybe not.
I also want you to protect my brother- in-law.
Huh?
You have to understand. He can be mean, self-righteous. He had a Vishund once. Loved that dog. He came home one day and the dog bit him. He took that dog and staked him out in the back yard. It was winter. Every day he came home and watched that dog until he froze. He's capable of doing anything.
To his own daughter?
You know Granville's looking for you, Niki?
My name ain't Niki. It's Pattica, like in Attica.
Granville's looking for you anyway.
Who's that?
The guy who bought you that ring.
You can fuck off, too.
You're taking a big chance.
I ain't ever gonna see him again anyway.
Jake'll take care of me.
Hey, piss-head, what brings you around?
You don't have to get uppity with me, Bill. I remember when you was running that car wash and couldn't make it go. And what was that other thing you tried? A Dairy Queen? Went busted too.
I want you to take a look at this girl here. She's been in some porn stuff.
No, Andy. Don't know the kid.
Look again, Billy-boy. This is jail bait. Could get you in a lotta trouble.
You remember me. Louise? Rhymes with squeeze.
You working in San Diego now?
I'm still in L.A., but I'm looking for Tod. I heard he was around.
'Was.' He and that shitheel Ratan went down to T-J. Maybe I shouldn't say that. Anyway, I hear he's back in Frisco now.
Was he with a girl?
No.
Hello, I'm Candy Gulf.
You are at the University, Candy?
Yes, I am.
And what are you studying?
Poli. Sci. With a home ec minor.
Eh, Poli Sci?
He seems very nice. Is Harold interested in, eh, what's going on? I think it's such a super thing to study. And then, of course, I can always fall back on home ec.
I think I should mention, Candy, that Harold does have his eccentric moments.
Lady, you were going 70 miles an hour in a 45-mile zone. Could I see your license, please?
Yes. Those little pieces of paper with your picture on it?
Yes.
Oh, I don't have one.
Come again.
I don't have one. I don't believe in them.
How long have you been driving?
About forty-five minutes, wouldn't you say, Harold? We were hoping to start sooner but, you see, it's rather hard to find a truck.
Could I see your registration?
I just don't think we have one, unless it's in the glove compartment. Could you look, Harold?
Isn't this your vehicle?
No, no. I just took it.
Took it?
Yes. You see I have to plant my tree.
Your tree.
Well, it's not really mine. I dug it up in front of the courthouse. We're transplanting it. Letting it breathe, you know. But, of course, we would like to get it into soil, as soon as possible.
Lady, let me get this straight.
Okay, lady. Out.
Haven't we met before?
None of that, lady.
Oh, well. Must have been your brother.
But there is a family resemblance.
You too, Buster. Stand over here. Lady, you're in a heap of trouble. I have you down here for several violations; speeding, resisting arrest, driving without a license, driving a stolen vehicle, possession of a stolen tree... Where's the tree?
We planted it.
Is this your shovel?
No.
Possession of a stolen shovel.
Officer, I can explain.
Lady, resisting arrest is a serious criminal offense. Under the state criminal code, section 545, paragraph 10-B...
Oh, don't get officious. You're not yourself when you're officious. That's the curse of a government job.
Lady, is it true you're driving without a license?
Check.
And that truck - is it registered in your name?
Oh no! Not in <u>my</u> name.
Then whose name is it registered in?
Well, I don't know. Do you know, Harold?
Where are the papers?
I suppose they are in the truck. Are you going to take a lot of time with this?
Wait here.
Because if you are...
This way, Edith. Harold is out by the garage. He has a new car and he has been tuning it up. He's very mechanical.
Oh. It looks like a hearse. Very nice. Compact.
Edith, I'd like you to meet my son, Harold. Harold, this is Edith... eh?
And what do you do, my dear?
I'm a file clerk - Harrison Feed and Grain.
How interesting.
Not very.
Oh. Well, what is it exactly that you do?
Edith was just telling me about her job.
I'm a file clerk.
Yes. Henderson Feed and Grain.
Harrison. Harrison Feed and Grain... At Hamilton and Fourth... I'm in charge of the invoices... And I type up the schedule for the trucking fleet...
She supplies the whole southwest with chicken feed.
What do you want?
Sorry I'm late.
A rather free translation but nonetheless correct. Greetings to you too, my little one. Tell me, what do you see?
A block of ice.
Exactly! Now, ask me what I see.
What do you see?
Here's your shovel.
Eh, no. Thank you.
You're welcome. Did you know him?
Eh, no.
Me neither. I heard he was eighty years old. I'll be eighty next week. A good time to move on, don't you think?
I don't know.
It's a question of emphasis, you might say. Accentuate the positive, so to speak.
Eh, could I have my pen back now, please?
Oh, of course. What is your name?
Harold Chasen.
How do you do? I am Dame Marjorie Chardin, but you may call me Maude.
Nice to meet you.
Can I drop you anywhere, Harold?
No, thank you. I have my car.
Do you dance?
What?
Do you sing and dance?
Eh, no.
Yes.
Oh, so do I. They're such fun, aren't they? It's all change. All revolving. Burials and births. The end to the beginning and the beginning to the end - - the great circle of life. My, this old thing handles well. Ever drive a hearse, Harold?
Yes.
Well, it's a new experience for me. Good on curves. Shall I take you home, Harold?
But this is my car.
Your hearse?
Yearse!
Of course, I've had to make some additions for the new models, but not as many as you might think. Once you have your basic set it's then only a question of variation.
And you get into any car you want and just drive off?
Not <u>any</u> car. I like to keep a variety. I'm always looking for the new experience, like this one. I liked it.
Thank you. But when you take these cars don't you think you are wronging the owners?
What owners, Harold? We don't <u>own</u> anything. It's a transitory world. We come on the earth with nothing, and we go out with nothing, so isn't "ownership" a little absurd?
Still, I think you'd upset people and I'm not sure that's right.
It's all memorabilia, but incidental and not integral, if you know what I mean.
It's very interesting.
She's very sweet, but so old- fashioned. Please sit down, Harold. I'll put on the kettle and we'll have a nice hot cup of tea.
Thank you, but I really have to go.
But it's oat straw tea. You've never had oat straw tea, have you?
No.
Thank you, but it's an appointment. I really shouldn't miss it.
Oh, at the dentist's?
Sort of.
Well, then, you must come back and visit.
All right.
My door is always open.
All right.
Harold?
How about some ginger pie?
Eh, fine.
I'll heat some up. My, it's nice to see you again, Harold. How's your hearse?
Oh, it's fine. Fine.
Do you often model for Glaucus?
Heavens no! I don't have the time. But I like to keep in practice and poor Glaucus occasionally needs his memory refreshed as to the contours of the female form. Do you disapprove?
Me! No. Of course not.
Really. Do you think it's wrong?
No.
A self-portrait. But over here is my favorite. It's titled "Rainbow with Egg Underneath and an Elephant." Do you like it?
Yes. Very much.
Now I'll pump it up... ... and you just turn the handles. Okay. What do you smell?
Subways... Perfume... Cigarette... ... Cologne... Carpet... Chestnuts! ... <u>Snow!</u>
It goes on and on.
What do you think?
Oh. Eh, I like it.
Here we are, Harold. Oat straw tea and ginger pie.
Certainly a new experience for me.
You look as if you could.
Me. Ha! Did I tell you I'll be eighty on Saturday?
You don't look eighty.
That's the influence of the right food, the right exercise, and the right breathing. Greet the dawn with the Breath of Fire! Of course, there's no doubt the body is giving out. I'm well into autumn. I'll have to be giving it all up after Saturday. Sweeten the tea with honey, Harold. It's delicious.
That's a nice teapot.
Well, it's all very thrilling, of course, but I ask you, Harold... Is it enough?
I should like to change into a sunflower most of all. They are so <u>tall</u> and simple. And you, Harold, what flower would you like to be?
Why do you say that?
Because they are all the same.
Boy, Maude. The way you handle cars. I'd never handle a car like that.
The universal language of mankind. What music do you like, Harold?
What happened?
Look.
What?
Over there by the courthouse.
What is it?
Look at it, Harold. It's suffocating. It's the smog. People can live with it, but it gives trees asthma. They can't breathe. See the leaves are all brown. Harold, we've got to do something about this life.
But what?
We'll transplant it. To the forest.
But we can't just dig it up!
Why not?
But this is public property.
Don't you think we should get some tools, maybe?
Yes, you're right. We'll go see Glaucus. Come on.
Oh, my. We're too late.
Is he all right?
We'll come back in the morning.
What is that he's working on?
An ice sculpture. It's Venus - the Goddess of Love, the completion of which is his unfulfilled dream.
It is kind of rough.
He's never finished one yet. He has around him every kind of hand tool known to man, but the poor dear has difficulty staying awake.
Look, the ice is melting.
A little after-dinner liqueur, Harold?
Well, I really don't drink...
Thank you.
Some nuts? Some licorice? It has no nutritional value but then consistency is not really a human trait.
What's that?
My umbrella? Oh, that's just a relic. I found it when I was packing to come to America. It used to be my defense on picket lines and rallies and political meetings - being dragged off by police or attacked by thugs of the opposition. A long time ago.
What were you fighting for?
No.
No more revolts.
Oh, yes! Every day. But I don't need a defense anymore. I embrace! Still fighting for the Big Issues but now in my small, individual way. Shall we have a song?
Well, I don't...
Oh, that was fun. Let's play something together.
But I don't play anything.
Okay?
I think he's following us.
He's stopped.
There. Oh, I like the feel of soil, don't you? And the smell. It's the earth. "The earth is my body. My head is in the stars." Who said that?
I don't know.
Oh, those motorcycles are awfully chilly.
I <u>think</u> I see it.
The ice is melting.
Yes.
Don't you think we should turn off the heat?
I like Glaucus.
Yes, so do I. But I think he is a little... old-fashioned. Like a puff, Harold?
Well, I really don't smoke.
It's all right. It's organic.
I'm sure picking up on vices.
Vice? Virtue? It's best not to be too moral. You cheat yourself out of too much life. Aim above morality. As Confucius says, "Don't simply be good. Make good things happen."
Did Confucius say that?
Well -- - they say he was very wise, so I'm sure he must have.
You are the wisest person I know.
Me! When I look around me I know I know nothing. I remember though, once long ago in Persia, we met a wise man in the bazaar. He was a professional and used to sell his wisdom to anyone willing to pay. His specialty for tourists was a maxim engraved on the head of a pin. "The wisest," he said, "the truest, the most
Yes. I haven't lived. I've died a few times.
What was that?
Died! Seventeen times - not counting maiming. Shot myself in the face once with a popgun and a pellet of blood.
How ingenious! Tell me about them.
Well, it's a question of timing, and the right equipment, and plenty of patience... You really want to hear about this?
Of course.
Yes. I understand. A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead really. They're just backing away from life. They're players - but they sit on the bench. The game goes on before them. At any moment they can join in. Reach out! Take a chance! Get hurt maybe. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me
I like you, Maude.
Look at that sky. It's so big.
It's so blue.
And beyond the blue is the blackness of the cosmos.
Spreckled with uncountable stars. The stars are shining right now. We just can't see them. Just another instance of all that's going on that is beyond human perception.
Maude, do you pray?
Pray? No. I communicate.
With God?
This is really nice. Makes me feel like a kid. I want to do somersaults .
Well, why don't you?
No. I'd feel stupid.
Want to join me in some cartwheels?
No. I feel more like - yodeling.
It's sinking, Harold. Going over the horizon - where we are all going to go. It's getting dark. "Let each man hold on to his candle and get a light where'er he can."
Where's that?
From the guys who got the matches, of course.
Oh, Harold. You make me feel like a schoolgirl.
Shall I drop by tomorrow? Oh, I have a luncheon date. With this girl.
Oh.
I've never met her. My mother set it up.
Maude, I must speak to you.
What is it, Harold?
They're going to draft me. In the Army. I'm going to be sent away.
But they can't do that. You haven't even got the vote.
But they have.
But they'll put me in jail.
They'd put you in jail, eh? Well, historically you'd be in very good company. That's what my husband used to say when we were in the French Underground dealing with the Gestapo. Would you like to do a little raking? Work, I'm told, done with no selfish interest, purifies the mind. You sink your separate self and become one with the universal self. On
Maude, do you think you can help me?
Don't you talk to me like that, you little foul mouth degenerate! Really, sir, I thought that you at least...
Don't you advance on me.
Just like this.
Give me that. I'm going to throw it in the sewer where it belongs.
That wasn't very scary.
No. It had nothing on this afternoon.
Oh, you weren't scared.
Scared? Swimming underwater with that oxygen device of yours. I was petrified.
How about some candy floss?
You sure have a way with people.
Look at the stars.
Yes. They're old friends.
Do you think there is any life up there?
I don't know. Perhaps.
Science thinks there isn't. That we are all alone in the universe.
We <u>are</u> alone - you and me and everybody. But we can look at those stars and maybe someone down the beach or across the sea in China is looking at them, too. Someone we don't know and most likely will never see - that someone is breathing along with us. And the star- gazers of the past - from peasant to princes -
You should have been a poet.
- end where I began.
Maude.
Yes.
Why are there no photographs in these frames?
I took them out.
Why?
They mocked me. They were representations of people I dearly loved yet they knew these people were gradually fading from me, and that in time all I would have left would be vague feelings - but sharp photographs! So I tossed them out. My memory fades, I know. But I prefer pictures made by me with feeling, and not by Kodak with silver nitrate.
It looks like you. Thanks.
Harold, that picture is almost twenty-five years old.
I was remembering how much this meant to me. It was after the war... I had nothing... except my life. How different I was then - and yet how the same.
You've never cried before. I never thought you would. I thought, despite anything, you could always be happy.
Supper for two.
Oh, you've thought of everything. And champagne.
It's all right. It's organic.
Oh, Harold.
... which I hope will make you very happy.
Oh, I am happy, Harold. Ecstatically happy. I couldn't imagine a lovelier farewell.
Farewell?
Why yes. It's my eightieth birthday.
But you're not going anywhere, are you?
Oh, Harold! What a fuss this is. So unnecessary.
Maude, please. Don't die. I couldn't bear it. Please, don't die.
But, Harold, we begin to die as soon as we are born. What is so strange about death? It's no surprise. It's part of life. It's change.
But why now?
I feel giddy.
But Maude, you don't understand. I love you. Do you hear me? I've never said that to anyone in my life before. You're the first. Maude. Please don't leave me.
Oh, Harold, don't upset yourself so.
It's true. I can't live without you.
"And this too shall pass away."
Never! Never! I'll never forget you. I wanted to marry you. Don't you understand! I love you. I love you!
Chardin. Dame Marjorie. But you may call me Maude.
Please, don't you realize? She is dying.
Of course, Harold's father had a similar sense of the absurd. I remember once in Paris he stepped out for cigarettes and the next I hear he's arrested for floating nude down the Seine - experimenting in river currents with a pair of yellow rubber water wings. Well, that cost quite a little bit of "enfluence" and "d'argent" to hush up, I can tell
I have a sore throat.
Mother.
Not now, Harold... You can't put me down for Monday?
Mother.
Harold, please! I'm on the phone.
Mother. I'm going to get married.
Fay, I'll call you back. What did you say?
I'm getting married.
To whom?
I suppose you think this is very funny, Harold.
What?
Love? Love? What do you <u>know</u> about her? Where does she come from? Where did you meet her?
At a funeral.
Oh... That's wonderful... I get an eighty-year-old pallbearer for a daughter-in-law! Be reasonable, Harold! You're dealing with your life! What will people say?!
I don't care what people say.
I'm going to marry the woman I love.
This is insane.
How do you do?
Would you like a cigarette?
Is Sunshine your real name?
Do you play?
No. I'm learning the banjo. Do you?
Oh, is this your father?
No. My uncle.
This one is particularly interesting. It's a hari-kari blade.
Ohhh. What's hari-kari?
An ancient Japanese ceremony.
Like a tea ceremony?
Tell me, Harold, how many of these, eh, suicides have you performed?
An accurate number would be difficult to gauge.
And why is that?
Well, some worked out better than others - some had to be abandoned in the planning stages - do you include the first time? - then there's the question of maiming...
Just give me a rough estimate.
Well, a rough estimate... I'd say fifteen.
Fifteen.
A rough estimate.
And were they all done for your mother's benefit?
I wouldn't say "benefit."
I don't think I'm getting through to Mother like I used to.
Does that worry you?
Yes. It does.
Why?
I put a lot of effort into these things.
Ah, yes.
And a lot of time.
I'm sure. But what else do you do with your time? Do you go to school?
No.
What about the draft?
My mother spoke to my Uncle Victor. He's in the Army and he fixed it up.
Oh. Well, how do you spend your day?
You mean when I'm not working on a...
I see. Junkyards. What is the fascination there?
I don't know.
Is it the machines? The noise? The people?
No. It's the junk. I like to look at junk.
That's very interesting, Harold, and I think very illuminative. There seems to be a definite pattern emerging. Your fondness for useless machines and demolitions seems indicative of your present emotional state, your self-destructive urges and your alienation from the regular social interaction. What do you think? And of course this pattern once isolated can be coped with. Recognize the problem and you are half
Harold?
Huh?
You don't seem to be listening. I asked do you have any friends?
No.
None at all?
Well, maybe one.
Would you care to talk about this friend?
No.
Is this a friend you had when you were away at school?
No.
I see. Were you happy at school, Harold?
Yes.
You liked your teachers?
Yes.
Your classmates?
Yes.
Your studies?
Yes.
Then why did you leave?
We are not relating today, Harold. I sense a definite resistance. A lack of true and helpful communication. I find you a very interesting case, Harold, but this reluctance of yours is detrimental to the psycho-analytical process, and can only hinder the possibility of effective treatment. Do you understand?
Yes.
I see. Tell me, Harold, do you remember your father at all?
No. I'd have liked to.
Why?
I'd have liked to talk to him.
What would you say?
I'd show him my hearse. And my room, and stuff.
Good idea of yours to come out here, Harold. It's a lovely spot.
Thank you, Uncle.
Call me "sir," Harold. First thing you learn in the Army - an officer deserves your respect.
Yes, sir.
Let's examine the facts on it. I say this country has been too harsh in its outright condemnation of war. I say you can point to many material advantages brought about by a crisis and conflict policy. Hell, World War II gave us the ballpoint pen. That's common knowledge.
During wartime the national suicide rate goes down.
Is that a fact? Well, that fits in right along with everything I've been saying. War is not all black.
And so I ask you - why the hell did we give up on the Germans? Those damn politicians in Washington chalked them up on our side and the wars ever since have been a national disgrace. Hell, look at history. The two best wars this country has fought were against the Jerries. Now I say, get the Krauts on the other side of
They came at me from all sides, hundreds of 'em. We kept firing - Zat-Tat-Tat-Tat! "Throw the grenades," I shouted. "Mac, throw the grenades!" "He's dead," Joe said, and kept right on feeding me bullets. Zat-Tat-Tat-Tat! They kept falling, but they kept coming. Bullets whizzing all around me. Zot! Joe falls back with a neat red hole in his head. I thought I was
Jeez! That's a great story,
Well, you'll soon have stories like that to tell of your own.
You think so, sir?
Sure. Be able to tell your children. Something for them to look up to. Be proud of.
I hope so, sir. Golly I never knew it could be so exciting.
It's the greatest excitement in the world.
To pit your own life against another.
That's right.
To kill. The taste of blood in your mouth.
The moment of truth.
Another man's life in your sights.
Yes.
Will they really teach me to shoot?
Oh, sure. A variety of weapons.
And to use the bayonet? PACHOIE!
Oh sure.
How about hand-to-hand combat?
Yes.
To strangle someone. Choke him. Squeeze out his life between your hands.
Eh?
How about to slit his throat?
Well, I don't...
I'd like that. You could see the blood squirt out.
Harold, I think you're getting carried away here.
Sir, how about souvenirs?
Souvenirs?
Of your kill - ears, nose, scalp, privates.
Harold!
Boy, to think I could maybe make my own.
Parasite!
Harold!
Harold, calm down! This is...
Stay where you are, Harold .
Good afternoon, Officer. Bit of trouble here?
Yes, ma'am. Somebody had some trouble parking.
Well, it's a tricky turn.
Eh, yes, ma'm.
Tell me -- -- is that car parked all right?
Oh yes. That's fine.
Ah! There you are, madam. Were not you the lady who drove my car off yesterday?
Was that the one with the St. Christopher medal on the dashboard?
Yes.
Were you also the one who painted the statues?
Oh, yes. How did you like that?
Well, I didn't.
Oh, don't be too discouraged. For aesthetic appreciation - always a little time.
Oh, Kirsty; so eager to play, so reluctant to admit it.
It's different for us.
We've always been here.
Oh. No Boxes. Such a shame.
No more delays, Kirsty. No more teasing. Time to play.
Well, well. All my family together again. How very sweet.
Julia.
Frank.
I knew you'd come.
You knew?
Yes. You're a girl who remembers her promises.
Oh, right. Daddy's died and gone to heaven, eh?
Yes!
See? He's here. You should learn to believe your Uncle Frank.
No! He SHOULDN'T be here! It SHOULD'VE been a trick!
He... he loved me.
Daddy! Daddy! I love you! Help me!
Yes... Yes. You look...
Surreal? Strange? Nightmarish?
It's a beautiful dress...
She's done it.
She certainly has.
It's coming.
I want to go back!
I knew you'd come back.
So... You're Kirsty, huh?
Sad, huh? She's been here six months. Her name's TIFFANY.
What's the matter with her?
Almost complete withdrawal. She hasn't said a word for nearly two years.
God, that's terrible.
I... I had a visitor.
What?
Oh, Jesus. I can't explain. It's... it's. I don't know how to help! I have to save him and I don't know how to help!
Kirsty, I'm sorry... don't understand. I...
Help. No, no-one can help. I just want someone to listen or I WILL go crazy.
No bad dreams.
Well, the sofa isn't often used for sleeping on...
And you're sure it was a woman?
Don't worry about it. Your attitude sucks anyway.
The box. I need the box.
What?
The Boxes. In the House. I told you.
What do you mean?
The boxes! I TOLD you.
You DIDN'T tell me. Do you mean Malahide's got...
Get out of the way.
Are you crazy?
I don't know, Kyle. You're the fucking expert. Now get out of the way!
WHY?
O.K. Let's go.
Kyle, you don't have...
I have to go back. Or it'll never stop.
What are you talking...
I've got to finish it.
I'm scared.
Well... G'bye.
But I didn't open it! I didn't!
Then why are you here?
But it's true, he is his own Hell. Just as you are in yours.
Wait!
No more deals, Kirsty. It's your flesh we want to experience, not your skill at bargaining.
No deals! Just information. Information. Free of charge. No strings. Just information.
What is this? Someone else you think escaped us, like Frank?
No, No, this one didn't escape. You told me you'd always been in Hell. You were wrong. Look at it. LOOK. IT'S YOU.
Nonsense, I...
I... remember.
Where am I?
You're in the Malahide Institute. It's a psychiatric hospital. But, hey, don't feel judged -- it was just the nearest place to bring you. Remember? You and your boyfriend...?
Steve...
What was it, kid? Smack? Angel dust? Don't tell me acid's back in fashion?
What are you talking about? Who are you?
I thought Steve had talked to you?
He talked about Demons, huh?
What the hell are you asking me for? Tag it. Move it.
Easy, easy. Whatever happened, whatever you saw, it's not here now.
I saw it... him. But I got away. And I took the box. And I solved it. And they came.
Who?
I need to touch it to "see"...
See what??
The past, the future, whatever this object holds.
Is he serious??
They were over here, Professor.
Look at them ugly suckers, Blue. One sheet of glass between them and us.
Story of my life.
I break it, they see us, Happy Halloween. No more hiding. Outside. I could be outside --
Don't get psychic with me.
How am I ever gonna get a girl?? I drive around in a garbage truck
Liz left us, Red. Take the hint.
Would'ya look at this babies? Made 'em myself. Holy water, silver shavings, white oak: the works.
Hey. Stinky. Kitchen's closed. Whatcha havin'? Six library guards, raw? Plus belts and boots? Man, you're gonna need some heavy fiber to move that out --
Nah -- he's taken care of.
You were burned by some organic acid.
Red. How long was it latched onto you?
Touched you five seconds. Laid three eggs.
Remind me why I keep doing this.
Rotten eggs and the safety of mankind.
That's all for you, Sammy.
hound of resurrection --
See? I don't like that --
harbinger of pestilence, seed of destruction --
Skip to the end, willya? How do I kill it -- ?
This is an important mission, Sgt. Whitman. I hope you realize that.
Sgt. Whitman!! Sgt. Whitman!! May I have a word??
What is it?
You are a Catholic??
Here. You'll need one of these.
I abhor violence. Sergeant Whitman, I hope you don't think me mad --
You're wasting our time: There's nothing on this island but sheep and rocks.
Ruins. Not rocks. The remains of Trondham Abbey. Built on an intersection of Ley Lines, the boundaries between our world and the other --
What a load of crap. Hell, a week ago I hadn't even heard the word parabnormal --
"Paranormal" But -- you read the transmission.
Half transmission. Nonsense -- German ghost stories!
I have seen ghosts, Whitman.
The freak in the gas mask --
If he's here, this is worse than I thought.
Cordon off the area. Something came through.
It's almost over!!
Do you believe in hell?
There is a place -- a dark place where evil slumbers and awaits to return. From there it infects our dreams. Our thoughts. Grigory gave us a glance tonight --
Grigory -- That's Russian, right? Thought they were on our side...
Grigory Yefimovich Rasputin --
C'mon -- Rasputin??
Spiritual advisor to the Romanovs. In 1916, at a dinner in his honor, he was poisoned, shot, stabbed, clubbed, drowned and castrated.
What the hell was that? An ape?
It's got a big stone -- in its hand --
Every time the media get a look at him, they come to me. I'm running out of lies, Trevor.
I thought you liked being on TV.
I do. How many escapes? This year alone: five!
Tom -- he's our guest, not a prisoner.
Your "guest" happens to be six foot five, bright red, and is government funded.
These freaks, Trevor, they give me the creeps. And I'm not the only one. You're up for review. You and your petting zoo.
A 16th century statue was destroyed. Saint Dionysius the Aeropagite.
Who wards off demons.
Smuggled into this country by an overzealous curator. The statue, however, was hollow --
Reliquary --
Son. About Rasputin --
Don't worry. I'll get him soon enough --
Listen to me. This time is different. There's more at stake than ever before.
How hard can it be? I punched the crap out of that thing that he sent -- ouch!!
I worry about you.
Me?? C'mon --
Well, I won't be around forever, you know?
Don't look! Turn around.
How many buildings does she have to burn? She belongs here!
It's her choice -- She's human --
They took his name from this little inscription that was stuck on his tank.
Icthyo Sapiens, April 14, 1865.
How does he know so much about me?
Abe possesses a unique frontal lobe. "Unique." That's a word you'll hear quite a bit around here.
Where am I -- exactly, Sir?
As you entered the lobby there was an inscription --
On the desk, yes. In Latin.
Impressive. Do you remember what it said?
"In absentia luci, tenebrae vinciunt..."
1958, the occult war finally ends when Adolf Hitler dies.
1945, you mean. Hitler died in '45.
I'm in way over my head, I know that much.
And as a father, I worry about him. In medieval stories, Agent Myers, there's often a young knight, inexperienced but pure of heart...
Who's the squirt?
Agent Myers is your new liaison.
Got tired of me?
I don't want him.
Well, you did break out --
I wanted to see her. It's nobody's business.
It is. You got yourself on TV again.
"Myers", huh? You have a first name??
Hey, hey, hey. They're playing our song.
We're on the move.
At nineteen hundred hours an alarm tripped. B&E. Robbery. Six guards dead --
C'mon, champ. You look a little woozy, there.
They're not speaking. Professor Broom had him grounded.
Grounded? Who's grounded?
He gets fed six times a day. He's got a thing for cats. You'll be his nanny, his keeper, his best friend. He never goes out unsupervised --
Oh, Jesus!! Hellboy -- ?? Is real --
Uh-oh -- John. Staring at what?
His horns. He files 'em. To "fit in."
Sir, may I go first??
That voice --
I sang the first lullaby you ever heard, my child. I ushered you into this world. I alone know your true calling, your true name.
She's dead.
Names hold the power and nature of things. Mine for example. Rasputin: "The crossroads." And crossroads I have become. Your true name: Anung-un-Rama. Repeat it. Become the key.
You will never fulfill your destiny. You will never understand the power inside you.
But not everyone was so lucky. Two agents died today. Clay probably won't survive the night. You're reckless.
I knew those men better than you did --
No, it doesn't make it right, but I stopped that creature, didn't I?
That's what you do. That's why we need you. You have an insight. You know monsters.
What are you trying to say?
In the end, after you've killed and captured every freak out there -- there's still one left: you.
"One falls, two shall arise." So: you pop one, two come out. You kill two, you get four. You kill four, you're in trouble. We have to nail 'em all at once. And the eggs.
We've installed a very handy timer. Set it, walk away. Cable pulls the safety pins, K-boom! Easy to clean, easy to use...
Those things never work. Never.
Each of us gets a belt.
We should go back -- you -- you could tear that door apart --
Don't move. We --
-- should go back. Now!
No. Don't --
You'd better stay here. I'll find a way out. We'll come back for you.
You call that thing a cigar??
Yup.
Thank you.
You're kidding --
Oh. Uh. Hello. I -- I have these. For you.
Whatcha looking at, John??
Helping you -- I just --
Myers??? How's your arm?
I just fried Stinky. Tell Father I'll be home. He shouldn't wait up.
Wait -- Wait -- You can't go anywhere -- I gotta go with you --
No, no, no, it's fine: I do my job, I take a break.
No. Stop. Don't do this -- Listen to me -- Tell me where you are --
Myers?
Yes?
What took you so long?
C'mon, time to go home. Tape you up.
What are you, a Boy Scout?
No. I never was.
You want me to hold him down?
Down there. Did you ever loose track of him?
Mmmh -- "Pamcakes." We're going out --
Professor, that girl you were talking about --
Hey. You: think twice --
I think I can help -- Talk to her -- I can bring her back.
What was that??
Where do you --
Myers, you're a talker. What's a good word -- a solid word for "need" --
"Need" is a good, solid word.
Nah, sounds too "needy."
Hey, your chili's getting cold --
Anything else you --
Not from you.
Well good n-
Are you sure about this?
Keep her safe. No matter what. I'll deal with whatever's back there.
Alone?
You better have that looked at.
We miss you at the Bureau. Abe's crazier every day. And Father's still mad at me -- Come back, Liz. Come back. I --
Goodnight, then.
Um... Liz -- I -- there's something I'd like you to -- something I need you to hear.
Well. Is it long?? I'm going out, but --
Out? Out out?
For a cup of coffee, but go ahead, read.
You're going alone?
It's nothing. Just a list -- It's not finished --
Hi.
But I understand what you don't like about me. I do. What I am makes you feel out of place -- out there --
Red, I --
Listen. I'm not like Myers. He makes you feel like you belong. And -- that's good. It really is. I -- wish I could do something about this -- But I can't. I can promise you only two things... One: I'll always look this good. Two: I won't give up on you. Ever.
I like that...
Okay, someone's expecting us. Turn on your locators -- Anyone sees anything...
Marco...
Liz -- can I call you Liz? It's a beautiful name --
60% OF THE WOMEN IN THIS WORLD ARE NAMED "LIZ".
Dr. Broom asked me to invite you back to the Bureau. No special precautions, no security escorts. You and me in a taxi. Like regular folks.
Doesn't sounds like him.
I admire him. He's a force of nature.
He's just pushy.
No... He's determined. Unstoppable --
Cocky.
Strong.
A brute.
He -- loves you.
I know.
What about you?
It's freezing, isn't it?
But it's not true, is it?
What -- ?
That you feel that way about me.
Hit me.
Hello, I'm --
-- Late. Five minutes late.
Yes, I --
-- Section fifty-one. Step back.
Pardon?
Wait! Wait! Watch the fucking paint work.
Look, do you want the bed in or not?
Just take it slowly.
Christ!
What's the problem?
You fucking ass-holes.
It's my lucky day.
Hi.
Want to buy a bed?
What's happening?
We're leaving.
Will you sign for the bed?
Eh, Chas, slow it down like the man says.
Alright, let's give it another try.
That your daughter?
Uh-huh.
Got her mother's looks.
Oh.
Julia's my second wife.
Lucky man.
The box... you opened it. We came.
It's just a puzzle box.
It's a means to summon us -- it's called the Lament Configuration.
Who are you?
Cenobites. Explorers in the further regions of experience. Demons to some. Angels to others.
This isn't for real.
He doesn't see us, or hear us. We belong to you, Kirsty. And you to us.
Let me alone, will you?
No time for argument.
You did this before, right?
Many times.
Nobody escapes us.
Suppose he HAD slipped us. What significance has that?
We want the man who did this --
Just in time.
We've got such sights to show you --
Please. Get back into bed.
I have to speak to my father.
That's easily arranged. But first, back into bed.
It's important.
Please listen to me --
You were holding onto it like grim death.
I don't remember.
Well the police are going to want to speak to you. You know that.
Oh Christ.
Julia!
Kirsty. It's Frank. It's Uncle Frank.
No.
You remember.
No.
Don't touch me. Or so help me --
I bet you make your Daddy proud, don't you? Beautiful.
This isn't happening.
No.
One last time. Give me the box.
Come to Daddy.
This isn't happening.
Oh my God.
You bastard --
Poor baby.
Bastard.
Hush now. It's all right Frank's here.
Frank --
You're Julia, right?
That's right. Who are you?
I'm brother Frank.
Oh.
There is going to BE a wedding?
Oh. Oh yes.
Well can I come in or not?
Well?
I don't want to see the dress.
But you said --
What about Larry --
Wedded bliss?
I'm very happy.
Julia.
Oh my God.
Don't look at me.
Who are you?
Help me.
Tell me who you are.
No. God no.
Believe me. It's me. It's really me.
What happened to you?
His blood... on the floor... It brought me back.
Back from where?
...somebody...
You can't let me stay like this. Please. You can't.
What do you want me to do.
I'm hurting
Hurting.
My nerves... are beginning to work again.
Good.
-- to heal me completely. Then we can be away from here, before they come looking.
Who?
Poor Larry. Obedient as ever.
Ssh. Don't want babe to hear.
You're hurting.
Well?
Better. Very much better. I'd like something to wear. And some cigarettes. Will you bring me some?
Later.
What?
I want an explanation first. I want to know what happened to you.
Not know.
A long time.
This is what began it.
A box?
It's not any box. It's called the Lament Configuration. It's a puzzle.
Let me see.
Don't touch it. It's dangerous. It opens doors.
What kind of doors?
To experience beyond anything ever known. At least that's what I was promised when I bought it. Pleasure from Heaven or Hell. I didn't much care which.
Hell...
I was bored. I'd done everything. I'd gone to the limits. There was nothing left to experience. At least nothing I could buy on earth.
And you came back here to solve the puzzle --
Sure. Somewhere safe. Safe. Christ! They tortured me here. In this room.
Who did?
The Cenobites. The creatures the box set free. Sometimes I think they're still here. Just behind the walls. Them and their hooks and their beasts. Just waiting to break out again. Except that I've got the box.
You're still afraid.
You would be. They tore me apart.
So you were cheated.
They took my body, but my spirit... they left that here. In the boards, in the walls. Watching the world, but not able to TOUCH it.
And the blood let you out?
It gave me a little chance, and I took it. They won't get me back. I'm going to live, and you're going to help me. Yes?
You can't love him.
I don't.
So where's the harm?
I said no.
She'll tell them everything...
I don't think so. She'll want Larry first.
That's probably her now. Or the police.
Maybe.
Don't you care?
There's very little I can do about it.
Maybe we should just leave --
Like this? Look at me! LIKE THIS?
Well we can't just stay here --
Kirsty.
Hi. I got soaked.
There's a towel in the bathroom.
Which is where?
What happened?
Just an accident. He's all right. Will you drive? He needs stitches.
Sure.
Kirsty? It's very late.
Where's Daddy?
What's the problem?
I have to see my father.
You look terrible. Have you had an accident?
I was here this afternoon.
This afternoon.
I saw everything.
No, damn you --
It's ONE of these.
We're going to freeze to death.
Maybe somebody changed the lock.
Like who?
Just a thought --
It smells damp.
How long since you were here?
Why didn't he want to sell it?
Not exactly modern.
We'll sell it. Sell everything.
I thought half of it was your brother's?
You know we have to let Kirsty see this place, before we do anything to it. She'll love it.
You're still blaming me.
No. I'm not.
All right.
So what's the argument?
No argument.
Larry!
Where are you?
He's here?
Well?
Why not?
How are you doing through there?
What have you done?
Is it deep?
I don't know, I haven't looked. You know me and blood.
You're NOT going to faint.
Shit.
It's probably going to need stitches.
I'm going to throw up.
Take it slowly.
So damn stupid.
You're done worse.
I'll be scarred for life.
Look, I'm going to have to leave you guys to keep each other company.
Larry....
Would you excuse me? I think I'm going to go to bed.
Julia?
I'm here.
Are you all right?
Just feeling a bit sick.
I'll be O.K. Just leave me be a while.
Can I get you anything?
Maybe a brandy.
Sure.
I'll be down in a minute
Just a moment. Put on some music will you babe?
Who was it?
Is this upsetting you?
Are you all right?
Fine.
-- I'll go see.
Larry...
Oh baby.
Don't go upstairs.
Huh?
Please...
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong?
I don't know where to begin...
What are you talking about?
Dead.
Not much fun, is it?
What?
Drinking alone.
Not much.
What are you drinking?
Just soda.
Plain soda?
Please.
I try not to drink at lunch-time. Makes me sleepy in the afternoon. You like to keep a clear head, eh? One soda, one whisky. I do it anyway. No will-power. Got a busy afternoon?
That depends.
You know it's not often I... you know...
There's a first time for everything.
I suppose that's right.
You want something to drink?
Well, isn't it?
I... suppose so, yes.
So, what's your problem? Let's get to it. You're not going to change your fucking mind ?
No. No. Let's go upstairs.
Is this your place ?
Do you care ?
No, not much.
Let's keep it that way, shall we?
No personal details?
This isn't the bedroom.
What's going on?
I suppose not.
First time for everything.
Why don't you take off your jacket? You're warm.
Why don't you do the same?
You know, you're very beautiful.
Am I?
Oh Christ.
What's wrong?
You're awake. Good girl.
What happened to me?
I'll get the doctor.
Who brought me in here?
What a pretty tune.
My father doesn't answer. I have to go find him.
I'm afraid you'll have to wait until the police have spoken to you. Keep trying your father; he'll answer eventually.
I called another friend of mine and he's coming over. Will you let him in?
You wouldn't believe me.
Well, if you change your mind. What's this friend's name?
Who's there?
Kirsty?
I got through.
Where are you?
I found a room.
What did you say?
I thought you were going to stay with us for awhile?
No Dad.
You'd like the house.
YOU'D like my room.
Well I want you to see the house.
Great.
Well come over, will you? See the place?
Maybe later in the week. First I've got to find myself a job.
What for, honey? You know we can look after you. You've made the gesture --
It's not a gesture. I want to do this on my own. Come on, trust me a little will you?
I do. I'd just feel happier if you were with us.
I'll come over and see you in the next few days. You can show me the mansion. O.K.?
You will keep in touch.
Of course. Every day.
O.K.
Take care, Dad.
Call me tomorrow.
Big house.
You like?
I'll show you around when we've got this damn bed moved.
Is Julia here?
Upstairs. Treat her gently, huh? She hates moving.
Surprise.
Kirsty.
O.K. I'll be nice. You get on with the muscle work. I'll make myself some coffee.
Are you O.K.?
What are you drinking, love?
I've forgotten.
I just wanted to be sure you were O.K.
Never better. You sleep well.
Yeah.
I love you, honey.
...maybe we should never have come back.
Maybe you should give it some time.
I guess.
She's not like Mom. She's... I don't know... moody. I thought that was what you liked about her.
She doesn't even want to leave the house.
Really?
It's like she's waiting for something.
What?
Would you... maybe call round sometime? Try to make friends.
Sure.
I have to talk to you.
It's all right, sweetheart. Julia's told me everything; and it's all right...
No. You don't understand. Your brother -- Frank -- he's here in the house. And he's --
Whatever Frank did was his error. And it's finished with now.
Finished?
He's gone.
Poor Frank. He's better off dead.
I don't believe it.
I'm afraid it's true.
I want to see.
No you don't.
Yes!
Get the fuck out of here.
What's the problem?
PLEASE. You're in danger.
No. It's all over.
Where are you going?
We're on the Cointreau.
I won't be able to stand.
You're not going?
Need any help?
I'm here.
I thought we'd lost you.
You know I do know the way home.
It's late.
Not that late.
Please. I want to see you home. All right?
All right. No. That's nice.
If there's a train.
What do we do if there isn't?
Why don't you stay at Larry's house? There's plenty of room.
Yeah, there's room. And there's Julia.
I see.
She's so damn... English.
Meaning what?
I beg your pardon?
There ya go. I beg your pardon?
Oh no?
Oh no.
It's not what I heard.
Oh!
Are you alright ?
I've been better.
Your father told me you were working here.
If I make it through the day.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have surprised you.
Are you busy after work ?
Just trying to get my apartment in order.
Can I lend you a hand?
As long as you don't mind the smell of fur --
Steve. Thank God you came.
These THINGS... they want to take me --
What's wrong?
Don't let them take me, Steve --
What?
Just go. PLEASE. I'll be O.K. I'm going to go see Dad. He'll look after me --
What did I say?
I'll come back later, huh?
'Bye.
Do I know you?
Alison's.
Really.
Rob. Rob Gordon. Circa junior high...
I hate to quibble with you Rob, but she married her first boyfriend. Kevin Bannister.
You gotta be kidding me.
Really? Married Kevin? Her junior high sweetheart... What chance would I have had against that? None, no chance. That's just fate.
I beg your pardon?
TURN IT OFF, BARRY.
What are you doing?
I don't want to hear Public Enemy right now.
Public Enemy! All I'm trying to do is cheer us up. Go ahead and put on some old sad bastard music see if I care.
I don't want old sad bastard music either. I just want something I can ignore.
But it's my new tape. My Monday morning tape. I made it last night just for today.
Yeah, well it's fucking Monday afternoon. You should get out of bed earlier.
Don't you want to hear what's next?
What's next?
Play it.
Say it.
How can it be bullshit to state a preference?
Since when did this shop become a fascist regime?
Since you brought that bullshit tape in.
Great. That's the fun of working in a record store. Playing crappy pap you don't want to listen to. I thought this tape was going to be, you know, a conversation stimulator. I was going to ask you for your top five records to play on a Monday morning and all that, and you just had to ruin it.
We'll do it next Monday.
Nice, Barry.
Rob. Top five musical crimes perpetrated by Stevie Wonder in the '80's and '90's. Subquestion -- is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter- day sins? "Is it better to burn out than to fade away?"
You just drove a fucking customer away, Barry.
We didn't even really have it. I happen to know for a fact that the only Stevie Wonder single we have is "Don't Drive Drunk." I was just goofing on the straight, and it never cost you a penny.
Not the point.
Oh, so what's the point then?
I don't want you talking to our customers like that again.
Barry, I'm fucking broke! I know we used to fuck with anyone who asked for anything we didn't like, but it's gotta stop.
Bullshit. The guy was going to buy one record -- which we didn't even have -- and leave and never come back again anyway. Why not have a little fun? Big fucking deal.
What did he ever do to you?
He offended me with his terrible taste.
It wasn't even his terrible taste. It was his daughter's.
Yeah.
I wanna date a musician...
I wanna live with a musician. She'd write songs at home, ask me what she thought of them, maybe even include one of our private jokes in the liner notes.
What did you tell her about the shop for?
We're only on the fucking list for Marie's gig at the Pulaski Pub, that's all! All three of us.
That's fucking great, Barry. We can spend fifteen bucks on a cab to save five each. Fantastic, Barry!
We can take your car.
What?
What do you mean, "what?"
What are you snickering about?
I'm not snickering. I'm smiling. Because I'm happy.
Okay. Top five side one track ones. Number one... "Janie Jones," the Clash, from The Clash.
Ehh.
"Thunder Road," Bruce Springsteen, from Born to Run. "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Nirvana, Nevermind.
Oh no, Rob, that's not obvious enough. Not at all. Dick, did you hear that?
Shut up. "Let's Get It On," Marvin Gaye, from Let's Get It On. "Airbag," Radiohead, from OK Computer.
There's something different about the sound of her voice... And what did she mean last night, she hasn't slept with him yet. Yet. What does "yet" mean, anyway? "I haven't seen... Evil Dead II yet." What does that mean? It means you're going to go, doesn't it?
-- You're like a little squirrel of music, storing away dead little nuts of old garbage music, musical lint, old shit, shit, shit --
Just... come on, what would it mean to you? That sentence? "I haven't seen Evil Dead II yet?"
To me, it would mean that you're a liar. You saw it twice. Once with Laura -- oops -- once with me and Dick. We had that conversation about the possibilities of the guy making ammo off-screen in the Fourteenth Century.
I'd think you were a cinematic idiot. And I'd feel sorry for you.
No, but would you think, from that one sentence. That I was going to see it?
I'm sorry, Rob, but I'm struggling here. I don't understand any part of this conversation. You're asking me what I would think if you told me that you hadn't seen a film that you've seen. What am I supposed to say?
Just listen to me. If I said to you --
"-- I haven't seen Evil Dead II yet," yeah, yeah, I hear you --
Would you... would you get the impression that I wanted to see it?
...But the word "yet..." Yeah, you know what, I'd get the impression that you wanted to see it. Otherwise you'd say you didn't really want to.
But in your opinion, would I definitely go?
Why would they care?
I never thought I would say this, but can I go work now?
Fine by me. I still want pay to 7 o'clock.
Un-fucking-believable. Dick's out on a hot date, Rob's boning Marie LaSalle, and the best-looking and most intelligent of all of us isn't getting anything at all.
How do you know about that?
Shut the fuck up, Barry.
Don't be sad, Barry. You'll find true love someday.
Suck my ass.
Hey.
What the fuck is that?
My band.
What band?
The band that found me and asked me to join.
You are not in a band, Barry. You are not a musician. And no posters.
Thanks for your support, Rob. Really appreciate it.
Barrytown. Barrytown? Is there no end to your arrogance?
I didn't make up the name. It's the Steely Dan song. And it was in The Commitments.
You can't be called Barry and sing in a group called Barrytown.
They were fucking called that before I was in it, okay? It wasn't my idea.
Isn't it?
That was one of the reasons they asked me to join originally, yes. But --
Great! That's fucking great! They only asked you to sing because of your name! You can stick it above the browser racks over there.
How many tickets can I put you down for?
None. Christ!
You're not even coming?
Of course I'm not coming. Do I look like I'd want to listen to some terrible experimental racket played in some hideous cave? Where is it? The fucking Bucktown Pub? Ha!
So much for friends, then. You're a bitter bastard, Rob, you know that?
What's up?
Laura. Her dad died.
It was Jan, and it was a long time after--
Whatever. Okay. "Tell Laura I Love Her." That'd bring the house down. Laura's mom could sing it.
Fuck off, Barry.
I'd want "One Step Beyond" by Madness. And "You Can't Always Get What You Want."
Because it's in The Big Chill.
Haven't seen it.
Liar. We saw it in the Lawrence Kasdan double-bill with Body Heat.
Oh. Right. But I'd forgotten about that. I wasn't biting the idea.
The little skate-fuckers.
No way.
What the fuck is that?
What?
I heard you, man. Don't give me that "what" shit. You just told them that you're gonna put out a record with them.
So? You even said they're good.
Like fuck you are.
Laura said we could. If we helped out with the posters and stuff. And we did. And we are.
I'll give you 10% of the door if you don't play.
We're getting that anyway.
What is she doing? Okay, 20%.
No. We need the gig.
110%. That's my final offer. I'm not kidding. That's how much it means to me not to hear you play.
We're not as bad as you think, Rob.
You couldn't be. Look, Barry. There's going to be people from Laura's work there, people who own dogs and babies and Tina Turner albums. How are you going to cope with them?
We're not called Barrytown anymore, by the by. They got sick of the Barry/Barrytown thing. We're called SDM. Sonic Death Monkey.
Sonic Death Monkey.
What do you think? Dick likes it.
Barry, you're over thirty years old. You owe it to yourself and your friends and to your parents not to sing in a group called Sonic Death Monkey.
I owe it to myself to go right to the edge, Rob, and this group does exactly that. Over the edge, in fact.
You'll be going over the fucking edge if you come anywhere near me next Friday night.
I'm looking for a record for my daughter. For her birthday. "I Just Called To Say I Love You." Do you have it?
Great. Can I have it then?
Why not?
Because it's sentimental tacky crap, that's why not. Do we look like the kind of store that sells "I Just Called To Say I Loved You?" Go to the mall and stop wasting our time.
What's your problem? What did I... Why are you --
It's almost impossible to find, especially on CD. Yet another cruel trick on all of the dumbasses who got rid of their turntables. But every other Echo and the Bunnymen album --
I have all of the others.
Oh really. Well what about the first Jesus and Mary Chain?
They always seemed...
Well what about the new Echo --
That is perverse. Do not tell anyone you don't own fucking Blonde on Blonde. What about Television?
I have a television.
Holy Shiite! What the fuck's this?
Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels?
No. The Righteous Brothers.
What?
Nothing.
No, not nothing. What's wrong with the Righteous Brothers?
Nothing. I just prefer the other one.
She shouldn't done it on "The Number Four With a Smile."
Isn't her album called "Number Four With A Smile?"
That's what I said.
No, no, no, you said "The Number Four With a Smile," and there's no "The" at the front of the title of the album.
It's a reference to a Chinese meal in Toronto and I think that there is a "The." But I could be wrong.
He's got one!
On Clark Street!
A couple blocks! About six!
We work there!
I can't go to the club tonight, guys.
Who are you going to see?
Anna.
Anna who? Anna Green Gables? Anna Conda?
Anna Moss.
Don't do it, Rob!
Okay, okay -- "Leader of the Pack." The guy fucking cracks up on a cycle and dies right? "Dead Man's Curve," Jan and Dean...
Did you know that after that song was recorded, Jan himself crashed his --
"Somebody's Gonna Die" by Blitz. "Bella Lugosi's Dead," Bauhaus. It's got that creepy Halloween feeling.
Hey, Barry.
Oh, hi.
Where's Rob?
The Malcolm McClaren of Clark Street is in his executive suite. Do you have an appointment?
What are you talking about?
May I help you?
I'm looking for Deejay Rob Gordon.
Uh. That's me.
I'm Caroline Fortis from The Reader. I want to do a story on you.
Right. Why?
Well, I used to go to the Dodger on your nights, and I saw you're doing it again and that your putting out a record, and it's sort of a then-and- now story against the backdrop of the Chicago music scene with the emphasis on now.
Oh. Okay.
I thought I would ask you a few questions if that's okay.
What I mean is, I didn't mean you look young. You don't. You don't look old either. You look just as old as you are. A bit younger maybe, but not a lot. Not much. Just right.
Right. So. You must have an enormous record collection.
Yeah, well... Let's see... What are you're all-time top five records?
Pardon me?
Your desert island top-five.
Oh boy... In the club, or at home?
Is there a difference?
OF COURSE... Well yeah, a bit. "Sin City" by the Flying Burrito Brothers is an all-time top five, but I wouldn't play it at the club. It's a country-rock ballad. Everybody'd go home.
Nevermind. Any five. So four more.
What do you mean, four more?
Well if one of them is this "Sin City" thing --
Can I go home and work this out and let you know? In a week or so?
Oh, I'm sure I can manage something... "Sin City." "New Rose," by The Damned. "Hit It and Quit It" by Funkadelic. "Shipbuilding," Elvis Costello, Japanese import, no horns, or different horns, anyway... um... "Mystery Train" by Elvis Presley... And... "Spaced Cowboy" by Sly and the Family Stone. A bit controversial, I know, but...
Fine. That's great.
Is that it?
Well, I wouldn't mind a quick chat, if you got the time.
Sure, but is that it for the list?
That's five. So. Why did you decide to deejay again?
Well it was a friend's idea, really, and the record release party seemed like a good place to do it. So... I should really put a James Brown in there --
Nice friend.
Yeah.
What's his name?
Who? Oh. My friend. My friend is Laura. A girl. A friend who's a girl.
"Music for Old People." What does that mean?
Okay. "Dance Music For Old People?"
Oh, you know... a lot of people aren't too old for clubs but they're too old for acid jazz and garage and ambient and all that. They want to hear old funk and Stax and New Wave and Old School Hip Hop and some new stuff all together and there's nowhere for them.
And the new label? And the Kinky Wizards?
Oh, well, the Kinky Wizards are -- you know what? Why don't I just make you a tape?
Would you? Really? Wow. I could have deejay Rob Gordon play in my own home.
Rob, hi, so sorry I missed your call. In LA on business. You know how it gets.
Yeah, sure...
Good. Great. Yeah... Wow. Rob Gordon. Seems like a 100 million years ago now.
Yeah. A billion. Right... How are you?
Fantastic but I'm a little busy right now. Listen. Do you want to come to dinner Saturday? I'm having some friends over and I need a spare man. Are you a spare man?
Uh...yes, at the moment.
Hey Charlie.
Hey Rob.
Why did you break up with me for Marco?
Fuck! I knew it! You're going through one of those what-does-it- all-mean things.
Huh?
There's been a rash of them, recently. I find it a little unnerving. In fact Marco called a few months back, and he wanted to see me, and rehash the past as they say, and I wasn't really up for it. Do all men go through this?
It's all kind of lost in the... in the dense mists of time now... It wasn't that I really liked Marco more. In fact I thought you were more, shall we say, attractive than him. It was just that he knew he was good-looking and you didn't, and that made a difference somehow. You used to act as if I was weird for wanting
Did you tell that to Marco when he did his what-does-it-all-mean thing with you?
'Morning, Dick.
Oh, hi. Hi, Rob.
Good weekend?
Yeah, OK. I found the first Licorice Comfits album at Vintage Vinyl. The one on Testament of Youth. Never released here. Japanese import only.
Great.
I'll tape it for you.
No, that's okay. Really.
'Cause you like their second one, you said, Pop, Girls. etc. The one with Cheryl Ladd on the cover. You didn't see the cover though.
Yeah, I haven't really absorbed that one.
Well, I'll just make it for you.
What's this?
Hey. Didn't you steal that one already?
Are you all right?
Yeah. I'm sorry... Look Dick, Laura and I broke up. She's gone. And if we ever see Barry again maybe you can tell him that.
I've ah... got some other stuff to tell him anyway, so it's no problem. I'll just tell him about, you know, Laura, when I tell him the other stuff.
Fine.
Or rather, bad news and good news, because he likes this person playing tonight. I mean, he liked Laura too, I didn't mean that. And he likes you. It's just that --
I understand, Dick.
I always hated this song.
Let's not.
Rob.
Liz, hold on a second -- What?
Rob --!
I will now sell four copies of Cats and Dogs by the Royal Trux.
Well we rang $900 today.
Don't worry about it, Dick. Barry's an asshole.
I'm sorry, Rob, that's, it's --
Can I do anything?
What is this.
It's Vince and Justin.
Laura? Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm off the phone.
You look upset.
I'm upset, but I'm fine.
Maybe I should talk to him.
Mmmm, no. Not a good idea.
Conflict resolution is my job, Laura.
Can I help you?
What needs sorting out?
Come on, Rob. My relationship with Laura has obviously disturbed you a great deal.
Funnily enough I haven't been too thrilled about it.
We are not talking jokey understatement here, Rob. We're talking actionable harassment. Ten phone calls a night, hanging around outside my house...
Yeah, well, I've stopped all that now.
We've noticed and we're glad. But, you know... how are we going to make peace here? We want to make things easier for you. What can we do? Obviously I know how special Laura is, and I know things can't be good for you at the moment. I'd hate it if I lost her. But I'd like to think that if she decided she
Yeah.
Good. So shall we leave it at that then?
I dunno.
Good. So shall we leave it at that then?
Good. So shall we leave it at that then?
So shall we leave it at that then?
I dunno.
You don't have to go this second. You can stay until whenever.
We've done the hard part now. I might as well, you know...
Jeez. He goes on long enough.
Shit!
Hi.
Hi.
I thought I could give you a lift back.
Are you coming home?
Yes. Well, I'm coming over to your house to get some things.
How can you like Art Garfunkel and Marvin Gaye? It's like saying you support the Israelis and the Palestinians.
It's not like saying that at all, actually, Rob. Art Garfunkel and Marvin Gaye make pop records --
-- Made. Made. Marvin Gaye is dead, his father shot him in --
-- whatever, and the Israelis and the Palestinians don't. Art Garfunkel and Marvin Gaye are not engaged in a bitter territorial dispute, and the Israelis and the Palestinians are. Art Garfunkel and Marvin Gaye --
-- Alright, alright but --
Hey! Marvin Gaye! "Got to Give It Up!" That's our song! Marvin Gaye is responsible for our entire relationship!
Is that right? I'd like a word with him.
But don't you remember?
You used to care more about things like Marvin Gaye than you do now. When I first met you, and I made you that tape, you loved it. You said -- and I quote -- "It was so good it made you ashamed of your record collection."
Well, I liked you. You were a deejay, and I thought you were hot, and I didn't have a boyfriend, and I wanted one.
So you weren't interested in music at all?
But Laura... that's me. That's all there is to me. There isn't anything else. If you've lost interest in that, you've lost interest in everything.
Yes. Look at me. Look at our -- the apartment. What else do I have, other than records and CDs?
And do you like it that way?
Have you tackled the Great Reorganization yet?
So. Where have you been staying for the last week?
I think you know that.
I'm sorry. I haven't been very fair to you. That's why I came here to the store this evening. I feel terrible, Rob. This is really hard, you know.
Good. So. Is it my job?
What? Gimme a fucking break. Is that what you think? That your not big enough a deal for me? Jesus, gimme a little credit, Rob.
I don't know. It's one of the things I thought of.
What were the others?
Just the obvious stuff.
What's the obvious stuff?
I guess it's not that obvious, then.
What?
Did you say something?
No. So. Is it working out with Ian?
Rob. Don't be childish.
Why is that childish? Your living with the guy! I'm just asking how it's going.
I am not living with him. I've just been staying with him for a few days until I work out what I'm doing. Look, this has nothing to do with anyone else. You know that, don't you? I left because we weren't exactly getting along, and we weren't talking about it. And I suddenly realized that I like my job, and I like what
Look. Maybe you'll grow up and we'll get it together, you and me. Maybe I'll never see either of you again. I don't know. All I know is that it's not a good time to be living here.
So, what, you haven't definitely decide to dump me? There's still a chance we'll get back together?
I don't know.
Well, if you don't know, there's a chance, right? It's like, if someone was in the hospital and he was seriously ill and the doctor said, I don't know if he's got a chance of survival or not, then that doesn't mean the patient's definitely going to die, now does it? It means he might live. Even if it's only a remote possibility.
I suppose so.
So we have a chance of getting back together again.
Oh, Rob, shut up.
Hey, I just want to know where I stand. What chance --
Well if you could tell me roughly it would help.
Okay, okay, we have a nine percent chance of getting back together. Does that clarify the situation?
Yeah. Great.
I'm too tired for this now. I know I'm asking a lot, but will you take off for a while so I can get my stuff packed up? I need to be able to think while I do it and I can't think while you're here.
No problem. If I can ask one question.
Fine. One.
It sounds stupid.
Nevermind.
You won't like it.
Just ask it!
Is it better?
Is what better? Better than what?
Well. Sex, I guess. Is sex with him better?
Jesus Christ, Rob. Is that really what's bothering you?
Of course it is.
You really think it would make a difference either way?
I don't know.
Well the answer is that I don't know either. We haven't done it yet.
Never?
I haven't felt like it.
But not even before, when he was living upstairs?
No. I was living with you, remember? We've slept together but we haven't made love. Not yet. But I'll tell you one thing. The sleeping together is better.
The sleeping together is better but not the sex because you haven't done it was him yet.
Hi.
Hi. I've been looking for an envelope of my receipts from last month and I'm thinking I didn't take them with me. Have you seen them around?
I'll look for 'em. How you doing?
I'm sorry to call, but I need that stuff...
Fine, I'm sure it's in the file at home. I'll call you when I find it, and then we'll talk.
We'll talk some other time.
So, how are you?
Have you slept with him yet?
I told you I slept with him.
No, not -- I mean have you, you know --
Is that why you wanted to see me?
I guess.
Oh, Rob. What do you want me to say?
You kind of have to start with Elvis Costello, but where? "Motel Matches?" "I Want You?" "I Hope You're Happy Now?" "Green Shirt?" His records should be sealed in cases that say "in case of vicious betrayal, smash glass." "Where Did You Sleep Last Night," sure, but by Robert Johnson or by Nirvana? Maybe a Liz Phair track. There are a couple to get
And anyway, I keep trying to tell you, that's not really the point, is it? The point is we got ourselves into an awful mess, Rob... Are you there? What are you thinking?
Nothing.
We can meet for another drink if you want. So I can explain it better. I owe you that much.
Look, I gotta go. I work too, you know.
Will you call me?
I don't have your number.
Call me at work. We can arrange to meet properly. I don't want this to be the last conversation we have. I know what you're like.
Hello.
It's me.
I figured it was. Where are you?
I think the big question here is where are you, if you don't mind my saying so, and I think I know where you are. You're running. On the run. You're running from a point that everyone hits in any relationship, and you're just going to hit it again with Ian but it's going to be with a World Music bunny- rabbit-looking earth-shoe-wearing "Doctor
Are you still in love with me?
Jesus. I do not know. I'll talk to you later.
Think about what I said. I mean, if you want to experiment, or whatever --
I'm not experimenting. Why don't you go experiment.
I don't want to. Don't need to. I love you.
You don't ever think about other people?
I called and called but you were out. I thought I'd be gone before you got back.
Is that the last of it?
Yep. I might have missed some stuff. I'm so used to some things being here that I don't even notice them.
Those look heavy. Where's Ian?
He's at home. Listen, I can't believe he went to the store. I'm mortified, actually. I'm really sorry. He had no right to do that, and I told him so.
I'm sure.
You still together? Going all right?
I don't really want to talk about it, to be honest.
That bad, eh?
Fix it up. It'll make you feel better.
I'll bet you can't remember what you were doing here, can you? I mean, how much are you making now? Sixty? Seventy? And you were living in this shitty place.
You know I didn't mind. And it's not as if Ray's place is any better.
I'm sorry, but can we get this straight? What is his fucking name, Ian or Ray? What do you call him?
Ray. I hate Ian.
This is where you're supposed to say that you haven't laughed this much in ages, and then you see the error of your ways.
You make me laugh much more than Ray does, if that's what you're getting at. But I already knew you could make me laugh. It's everything else I don't know about.
You know I'm a good person.
Mmm hmm.
You know that I can cook my ass off when I feel like it.
Don't forget your CDs.
Those aren't mine.
Sure they are.
They're not really, though, are they? I know you bought them for me, and that was really sweet of you, but that was when you were trying to turn me into you. I can't take them, I know they'd just sit around staring at me, and I'd feel embarrassed by them and... they don't fit in with the rest of what's mine, do you
Okay, okay. I get the picture.
I'm sorry to go on about it. But, I don't know, there's a lesson here somewhere, and I want to make sure you get it.
I got it. You like Sting but you don't like Gram Parsons, because you've never heard of him.
You're being deliberately obtuse.
I guess I am.
Hello.
Guess who I just saw, right by my store? Ian. In Starbuck's. Neat, huh?
I can't talk right now.
Are you alright?
Pigsty.
Don't worry about it. Just get into bed. Worry about that when you're better.
Pig died.
Who the fuck's Pig?
I'm sorry.
No, no. When are you going home?
Me?
My dad liked you. And Mom never told him we'd split, because he wasn't up to it and... oh, I don't know. I don't really understand it. I think she thinks he'll be able to see what's going on. It's like... He's been through so much, what with dying and everything, that she doesn't want to upset him any more than she has to.
Do you want me to be there?
Look, are you coming or not?
Yes, of course.
Liz'll give you a lift. She knows where to go and everything... I don't have time to talk, Rob. I've got too much to do.
Are you going to lie in that flower bed all night?
You're soaking.
Mmnn.
I can see why you say that. Look, I'm sorry. I really am. The last thing I wanted was... that's why I left, because... I lost it, and I didn't want to blow my top in there, and... look, the reason I fucked everything up was because I was scared. I just wanted you to know, that's all.
Thank you. I appreciate it. I can't reciprocate.
What do you mean?
I didn't mess things up because I was scared. I slept with Ray because I was sick of you. And I needed something to snap me out of it.
Sure, I understand. Look, I don't want to take up any more of your time. You get back, and I'll wait here for a bus.
I don't want to go back.
What do you want to do?
When are you going back?
I don't know. Sometime. Later. Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me?
What?
I want to feel something else than this. It's either that or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.
I've only got a couple left. I'm saving them for later.
Hello. It doesn't seem so long ago that I looked at you from here.
Hi.
You know, with Ray...
Oh, Rob, we're not going to go through that again.
No, no. It's not... are you still on the pill?
Yes, of course. There's nothing to worry about.
Look, we can do other things.
Laura...
So if you had a bit more energy we'd stay split. But things being how they are, what with you wiped out, you'd like us to get back together.
Everything's too hard. Maybe another time I would have the guts to be on my own, but not now I don't.
What about Ian?
Ray's a disaster. I don't know what that was all about, except that sometimes you need someone to lob into the middle of a bad relationship like a hand grenade, I guess, and blow it all apart.
Mission accomplished.
Let's go home. Okay?
C'mon. I want to know.
Want to know what, exactly?
What it was like.
It was like sex. What else could it be like?
Was it like good sex or was it like bad sex?
What's the difference?
You know the difference.
Look, we're okay now. We just had a nice time. Let's leave it at that.
Oh, c'mon, Laura. Just say something. Lie, if you want. It'd stop me asking you questions and it'd make me feel better.
Well I was gonna lie and now I can't, because you'd know I was lying.
Well why the fuck would you want to lie, anyway?
To make you feel better.
Look, Rob. If great sex was as important as you think it is, and if I was having great sex with him, then we wouldn't be lying here now. And that is my last word on the subject, okay?
... Like Mexico. Or Jamaica. Or New York, even.
Hey, great idea. What I'll do is, tomorrow I'll get a hold of a box full of mint Elvis Presley 78s on the Sub label, and I'll pay for it that way.
I'll pay for you. Even though you owe me money. We have to do something with the money I earn. I need to. I deserve it. You can just think of it as winning the lottery.
Fantastic. The Girlfriend Lottery.
Money does not matter. I do not care how much you earn. I'd just like you to be a little happier in your work, but beyond that you can do what you like.
But it wasn't supposed to be like this. When I met you we were the same people and now we're not, and...
How? How were we the same people?
Well, you were the kind of person who came to the Artful Dodger and I was the kind of person who deejayed at the Artful Dodger. You wore jeans and T-shirts, and so did I. And I still do, and you don't.
Because I'm not allowed to. I still do, after work. So, what? Should we just break up? Is that what you're saying? Because if you are, I'm going to run out of patience.
No, but...
But what?
But why doesn't it matter that we're not the same people we used to be?
You haven't changed so much as a pair of socks in the years I've known you. If we've grown apart, then I'm the one who's done the growing, and all I've done is change jobs.
And hairstyles and clothes and attitude and friends and...
I can't go to work with my hair dyed pink. And I can afford to go shopping more now, and I've met a couple people I like over the last year or so.
You're tougher.
More confident, maybe.
Harder.
Less neurotic. Are you intending to stay the same for the rest of your life?
I'm alright.
Yeah, you're alright. But you're certainly not happy. So what happens if you get happy? And yes I know that's the title of an Elvis Costello album, I use the reference deliberately to catch your attention. Should we split up because I'm used to you being miserable? What happens if you, I don't know, start you're own record label, and it's a success? Time
You're being stupid.
All I'm saying is, you have to allow for things to happen to people, most of all to yourself. Otherwise, what's the use?
Hi.
Hi. What are you doing?
Nothing.
Wanna go to dinner?
Where?
At Paul and Miranda's. Paul from work.
Oh. Well. We don't really get along. Paul and I.
I know. But you've never met. It just seems like a stone unturned in your relationship with him.
You did that deliberately. You knew all along I'd like them. It was a trick.
I called Dan Koretzky because he --
Has Drag City Records, I know, I know. You told Dan Koretzky about this?
Yeah, and he said it's a good way to break out a record. Especially for what he said, and I quote, "would be a highly anticipated event, locally." He helped me put out a press release.
WHAT?
Just local, of course.
And the "triumphant return of DJ Rob Gordon?" "Triumphant?" "Return?"
I had that idea when I was living with Ian and it was such a good idea that I was annoyed we weren't together anymore. It might even be why I came back.
You had no right. Supposing I was doing something that couldn't be cancelled?
What do you ever do that can't be cancelled?
That's not the point. I mean, what if the single isn't done in time?
Barry said its done.
Barry? Barry knows about this?
They'll go on early. Nobody will even be there yet and I told them they can't play for more than a half hour.
It's no joke. I'm responsible for what happens, you know. Embarrassment aside, there's a lot of money and effort in this, at least by my standards. I have to put down a deposit for the room. I have to pay the pressing plant for the records, sleeve them, sticker them --
I'm sorry I've been acting like a jerk. I do appreciate what you've done for me, and I know you've done it for the best possible reasons, and I do love you, even though I act like I don't.
That's okay. You seem pissed off all the time, though.
Are you worried about tomorrow night?
Are you going to talk to me, or shall I get my paper out?
I'm going to talk to you.
What are you going to talk to me about?
I'm going to talk to you about whether you want to get married or not. To me.
Ha ha ha. Hoo hoo hoo.
I mean it.
I know.
Oh, well thanks a fucking bunch.
I'm sorry. But two days ago you were in love with that girl who interviewed you for The Reader, weren't you?
Not in love, exactly, but...
Well forgive me if I don't think of you as the world's safest bet.
Would you marry me if I was?
No. Probably not.
Right. Okay, then. Shall we go?
Don't sulk. What brought all this on?
I don't know.
Very persuasive.
Are you persuadable?
No. I don't think so. I'm just curious about how one goes from making tapes for one person to marriage proposals to another in two days. Fair enough?
Fair enough.
So?
I'm just sick of thinking about it all the time.
About what?
This stuff. Love and marriage. I want to think about something else.
I've changed my mind. That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. I do. I will.
Shut up. I'm only trying to explain.
I mean, maybe you're right. But were you really expecting me to say yes?
I dunno. Didn't think about it, really. It was the asking that was the important thing.
I'm an idiot. I should have played the record first. This place is about to get burned down.
Rob here.
Hey. It's Liz.
What's happenin'.
You called this morning?
Yeah. I just wanted to thank you for that message last night. It made me feel like... like less of an asshole.
How're you holding up?
Actually, I'm fine. I'm great. Last night I got to thinking, "you know what? Maybe it is time to move on. Maybe we're just not right for each other. Or maybe we are. But time will tell and at this point I'm going to be fine with whatever's meant to be." You know?
What's the -- hey, Liz --
To think I sympathized with you for two seconds! Poor Rob! Laura left him out of nowhere for the schmuck upstairs. You let me believe that!
It's true!
Rob! Two years ago you got Laura pregnant; you then proceeded to cheat on her! You borrowed money from her and never paid a dime back! And then, just a few weeks ago, you told her you were unhappy with her and were "kind of looking around for somebody else!"
So the minister says nice things, and then, what, we all troop outside and they bury him?
It's a crematorium.
You're kidding. A crematorium? Jesus.
What difference does it make?
Is Ray going?
No. They don't know him. And Ken liked you. Rob, Ken didn't die for your benefit, you know. It's like everybody's a supporting actor in the film of your life story.
Enough, Liz.
Enough of what?
I know I can't speak now because Laura's father died, and I just have to take it because otherwise I'm a bad guy, with the emphasis on guy, self-centered. Well, I'm fucking not, not all the time, anyway, I'm really sorry Jo. But you know, Liz... I can either stick up for myself or believe everything you say about me and end up hating
Maybe I've been a little unfair. But is this really the time?
Only because it's never the time. I can't go on apologizing my whole life, you know?
Good. 'Cause I'm enjoying myself.
So you live in Chicago now?
Don't you like that?
Hi, Marie.
She just wanted to pick up some stuff. No big thing. A relief, actually.
God, I hate that time. That pick up stuff time. I just went through that before I came here. You know that song "Patsy Cline Times Two" I play? That's about me and my ex dividing up our record collections.
It's a great song.
Is that why you came to Chicago in the first place? Because of, you know, dividing up your record collection and stuff?
You share a place with T-Bone?
No way! I'd cramp his style. And I wouldn't want to listen to all that stuff happening on the other side of the bedroom wall. I'm way to unattached for that.
Awhile back, Dick and Barry and I agreed that what really matters is what you like, not what you are like...
Yeah, but if you heard this band called the Crumblers, you'd --
What do you mean, the Crumblers? You know the Crumblers? Nobody's heard the Crumblers. Except me.
Books, records, films -- these things matter. Call me shallow but it's the damn truth, and by this measure I was having one of the best dates of my life.
Yeah, but you know what's his best film and nobody's even seen it?
The Conformist.
Exactly! Fucking ex-actly!
You haven't even seen it!
Are you okay?
Yes. You?
For now. But I wouldn't be if I thought this was the end of the evening.
I'm sure it isn't.
Good. In that case, I'll fix us something else to drink. You sticking to the whiskey or you want coffee?
Tops off two whiskeys and starts into the other room where she sees Rob, standing and holding his jacket.
I'd better go. I gotta get up early. Go over to my parents'.
I'd like it if you could stay the night.
Oh, right. Alright.
Jesus, so much for delicacy. I pegged you for a master of understatement, beating around the bush and all that buzz.
I use it but I don't understand it when other people use it.
So you'll stay?
Yeah.
Would you like me to turn the lights out? Or would you like them on?
Which way are you going?
That way. You?
That way.
And so it is. I'll talk to you later.
I'll call you.
Yeah?
Hi, Mom.
Everything all right?
Great. Super-fantastic.
How's the store?
So so. Up and down.
She left. She's gone.
What do you mean? Where did she go?
How would I know? Gone. Girlfriend. Leave. Not say where gone. Laura move out.
Well call her mother.
Hello? Anybody there?
I'm all right, if that's what's upsetting you.
You know that's not what's upsetting me.
Well it fucking should be, shouldn't it?
I knew this would happen. What are you going to do Rob?
I'm going to drink this bottle of wine watch TV and go to bed. Then tomorrow I'll get up and go to work.
And after that?
Meet a nice girl and have children. I promise the next time we talk I'll have it all sorted out.
I knew this was going to happen.
Then what are you getting so upset about?
What did Laura say? Do you know why she left?
It's got nothing to do with marriage, if that's what you're getting at.
So you say. I'd like to hear her side of it.
Mom! For the last fucking time, I'm telling you Laura didn't want to get married! She is not that kind of girl! To use a phrase. That's not what happens now.
What do you think?
It's the best collection I've ever seen.
These are worth at least, I don't know --
I know what they're worth. Give me fifty and get them out.
But you must have --
I must have nothing. Their my husband's.
And you must not be getting along too well right now, huh?
He's in Jamaica with a twenty-three- year-old. A friend of my daughter's. He had the fucking nerve to call me and ask me to borrow some money and I told him to fuck off, so he asked me to sell his singles collection and send him a check for whatever I go, minus a ten percent commission. Which reminds me. Can you make sure
It must have taken him a long time to get them together.
Look. Can I pay you properly? You don't have to tell him what you got. Send him forty-five bucks and blow the rest. Give it to charity. Or something.
That wasn't part of the deal. I want to be poisonous but fair.
Look... I... I'm sorry. I don't want to be any part of this.
Suit yourself. There are plenty of others who will.
That's why I'm trying to compromise. What about fifteen-hundred? They're worth five times that.
Sixty.
Thirteen hundred.
Seventy-five.
Eleven-hundred. That's my lowest offer.
With eleven hundred he could come home, and that's the last thing I want.
I'm sorry but I think you better talk to someone else.
Can I buy this Otis Redding single off you?
Sure. Ten cents.
Oh, come on! Let me give you ten dollars for this, and you can give the rest away for all I care.
Eno import. Sigue Sigue Sputnik. Break beats. Serge Gainsbourg. Ryuchi Sakamoto, Syd Barrett... What's going on here? Are you guys stealing for other people now?
Naw. Those are for us.
I think you have more.
Well we don't.
Jesus. That thing's been in the bargain bin for six months! Was it just your criminal nature or what? Hell, I would've given it to you for free.
Uh, yes I, like, do... It's simple. You make the tracks -- recording studio -- deliver them to the pressing plant where a master is cut, the master is then dubbed to submasters, which are the "mothers," as their called, for each press in the plant. You press the CD's or records, put in your cover art, and that's it.
Records are those big round black things, right?
It's rough. But it shows promise. We record a couple of songs right, in a studio. I'll take care of the rest. I'll put out your record. Any profits after recouping expenses get split down the middle, between us and you guys.
Wait a minute. Island Records charged U2 a million five against their overhead for one plane ride.
We're not there yet, Justin.
I'm Vince.
We saw this ad in the personals for two swingers lookin' for a Renaissance fair.
Nice.
I can't figure out why he's doing it. He's been Richard Taupin at least since 1967. And the guys rich. You should see the stuff he has in that shop.
Maybe he's hiding from something.
Probably just some exec ducking an ex-wife.
Dr. Kidell had a picture in his file of the funeral. The father looked just like Richard. Even had a mark on his cheek.
How old is Richard?
P.D. says 41, but he barely looks 30.
Taupin, isn't that the guy Moran picked up the other night?
Yeah.
He'd want to know about all this.
Mr. Congeniality? Let him find his own clues. There's a journal article in this somewhere.
Well, the cream of society awaits. If you're ever in the neighborhood...
I warned you.
Doesn't have a head, does he?
How's your uncle? I hardly ever see him anymore.
Didn't look like it came from "Toys-Are-Us", that's why I called you.
Didn't think it was my buddy over there.
Figured you knew more about swords than I did.
Claymore.
Huh?
Scottish claymore. Take a French epee, add twenty pounds of ballast so it means business, and you've got a claymore.
You're the expert.
That stuff'll put you away if you're not careful.
There was a Count. Count Dusan. He would invite the local peasants to his chateau, fill them full of wine, then slice their bellies so he could reuse it. The symmetry of that somehow always appealed to me.
You're very macabre.
It's my birthday.
Happy birthday.
Would you like more tea?
He was unsual.
Why?
Well, this is a small town, and it was even smaller then. Most all the babies I delivered were from local families. Richard's parents were just passing through when his mother's time came. I did it right here at the house.
Then you didn't know Richard later on.
No.
I've been trying to find somebody who knew him and any connections his family might have had with museums or historical societies.
Don't know about any of that. Suppose nobody does.
I don't follow you.
Poor little tyke didn't have a chance. Hopelessly premature. He died a few days after he was born.
The boy _died_?
Have you spoken to anyone else about this?
There was this one fella. Asked a lot of questions. I was out of town but I heard he spent near a full day in the records office.
Would you remember his name?
This is against the rules.
So's playing choo-choo with two high school cheerleaders in the middle of-
-Okay okay.
Taupin, Richard Marshall. Born March 16, 1945 in Church Hill, Maryland. Received first driver permit 1967 in Philadelphia.
Church Hill, that's pretty close, isn't it?
Do you play?
Yes.
Miss Cartwright, what is it I can do for you?
I'd like to ask you about the claymore.
It's not mine.
It's quite rare you know, some- thing so common in its time so well looked after all these years.
Byzantine?
Basil the II.
Charming guy, Basil. Once after beating an army of Serbians he blinded all but-
Good reflexes.
Someone beat you.
Have you taken to touring small town cemetaries, Miss Cartwright?
Grave robbers?
Probably.
Who?
People like that rarely leave business cards.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I think you do. Better yet, I don't think anything was stolen because nothing was there in the first place. And I think Mr. Smith, whoever he is, now knows that.
You have an active imagination.
I've been to Church Hill.
I have friends.
Jesus Christ.
You'll be safe here. He won't kill in a church.
Why not?
Tradition.
He tried to kill me last night.
Where?
Who is he?
At the moment? Carl Smith.
What will you do now?
You needn't worry Miss Cartwright. I've been at this a very long time.
He called you "MacLeod".
Not your concern.
I left a man dead in Felton. But you don't really care, do you?
That bothers you?
He was innocent.
He's dead. Whatever I may or may not feel means exceedingly little to him now.
What about me?
You?
I'm a witness to a murder. That seems to put me pretty high on your friend's chop list.
Have you gone to the police?
No.
Why not? I'm sure they'd love to hear your story.
I'd rather hear yours.
You are being foolish.
I'm a historian, Mr. Taupin. Only once in a lifetime do you stare history in the face.
He sees me as a threat.
No.
No one knows you're here?
No. I had to talk to you.
You had to do _nothing_!
You're wrong.
You're a fool.
Is this what you killed them with?
You've been listening to rumors.
Our cars were seen together in Felton. They're calling me an accessory to murder.
What's all that?
You did kill those men.
Not all of them.
When you finish, what then?
I go my way and you can write all you want about the big bad Mr. Taupin.
You make it all sound so simple.
The only real difficulty comes in changing over the ownership of property I've aquired. That requires certain records and most importantly a personal appearance at the county seat in Gettysburg. But that's where you come in.
You want me to front for you.
There was a man once. Just a simple woodcarver. But he understood. More than anyone he could see to the heart of it. It never ends. Today is the same as the first. Tomorrow will be the same as today. So much time. And all of it wasted. You love history?
Yes.
The estate stuff is pretty straight forward. Just lots of forms and an appearance at the county seat.
No. So what now? We just wait?
Yes.
It's some sort of party the town is throwing.
They do it each year.
Maybe it would do us both good.
Here, try this. I suppose they're still making women the same as back then.
It's beautiful.
I don't know any of these. I'll make a fool of myself.
William Taupin seems to have left his mark.
Yes.
And you are William Taupin, aren't you?
You're using your son's name.
Then you must be at least 70 years old.
At least.
It's frightening sometimes the way you talk about other people's lives.
A factor of age.
I hope I never get that old.
I must be insane. Leaving work, ditching cops. All to follow a murderer. A very old murderer, but a murderer just the same.
Why are you here?
I've been telling myself it's the award winning journal article I'm going to write. But it's not. It's you.
I see.
I'm not even sure why.
Hardly a reason to run off with a murderer.
My life has been chock full of people with complications and weak- nesses. I can't stand it. But you're different. It's in your hands. A clarity.
You are a very perceptive young woman.
Who are you?
That would be difficult to explain.
I carried that rifle in World War I. This book is a 16th Century policy report for the King of Austria. The diploma is my con- ference of degree in Latin from Trinity College. Class of 1672. It goes on.
That's why Smith called you MacLeod.
Yes.
He knows about you.
He is older than I.
What could possibly be worth all this murder and distruction.
Sometimes I think it's just for something to do. A conquest to be the last. Something to hold onto while everything else around you withers and blows away. Some- thing to replace the love that can never work.
That's insane.
Perhaps. There is something more. An inheritance.
Of bodies.
I didn't kill the watchman.
You killed those other two.
Not the same.
What about that family in '31?
Sometimes innocents become involved.
You and your buddy make a real team, don't you? Exchanging eloquent threats in iambic pen- tameter while hacking up all the innocents in between.
There are differences.
You kill with your left hand?
I haven't killed _you_.
Don't.
Come here, Brenna.
What is it like? Being you?
Empty. And fear. Fear of those that would kill you and fear of those that would love you. It can never last, and in the end you always end up destroying both.
But you're known so much. History I'll only read about.
It's all the same. Half lives that never go away.
What is it you want?
Gettysburg's an hour's drive at most. You should be back by nightfall.
Will I see you again?
What's wrong?
What is it?
Get out.
No!
The emptyness. The years and years of void. Nothingness. Bordered only by the quest for ultimate nothingness. Who would have guessed?
The inheritance.
Life. It is the gift and the under- standing of life.
You have lived forever.
It will be horrible. The future. I may die tomorrow or 10,000 tomorrows. I can promise you nothing. Nothing but a moment. Maybe two. But a moment of love, is that not worth a lifetime?
Forget it.
I'm just curious.
Aren't you getting a little old for this? You flunked out of law school.
Now there's a new topic.
Forgers do it all the time. They take the birth certificate of some- one who died young and use it to get legit I.D. Usually they carry it long enough to pass some bad checks then dump it.
Thanks.
A murder.
You better have a warrant. That's my notebook, you've got no right to be sticking your fingers into it.
I've got a morgue filling up with bodies. That's my right.
What do you want from me?
I'm calling an attorney.
You and I should talk first.
What are you going to tell them? That you're protecting a man who's killed four people?
Four?
All fashionably without heads.
Spare me the details.
But there's more. Wednesday someone played javelin with the cemetary curator in Felton, Delaware. Some locals spotted two cars with D.C. plates and surprise surprise, they turn out to be registered to our own Brenna Cartwright and the ever popular Richard Taupin.
What are you getting at, Moran?
You've been a busy little beaver. Especially with that records mess up in Church Hill. Your notes are very complete. Naturally my feelings were crushed when you didn't rush right over and tell us what you knew. In fact, we're considering book- ing the ambulence chaser as an accessory to murder.
It'll never stick.
But we might just give it the 'ole college try. What with the court back ups, it could be days before you got an arraignment. But then, I'm sure the flunk-out neice of the D.A. knows all about that.
You're an asshole, Moran.
I want Taupin.
What makes you so sure he's the one?
Just for laughs we raided wonder boy's house. There was a gallon of one of the corpse's blood in his carpet. I think it was about then I withdrew his name for humanitarian of the year.
What's all of this got to do with me?
What were you doing in Felton?
Research. If your pal was there I never saw him.
I have witnesses that can put the two of you together.
Never take up poker, Detective.
Come on Brenna, your ass is already in a sling, don't drag me into it.
All I need is for you to check the name.
You talked to your supervisor lately? He's burning up the place about you just dropping out of sight. That on top of the cops bugging him.
Corey, you _owe_ me.
It's that important?
Good way to lose your job.
Some job. Card filing and cabinet dusting. Four years in this dump and I haven't written anything for Wilson that a wounded yak couldn't do.
I liked the bit you did about Baltic chastity belts. Too bad no one else did.
It's bullshit. Everything. My job, the people I get involved with, I'm up to here with it.
Who is it?
I don't believe him.
Why?
Hang on a sec, you did your little favor for the boys downtown, I'm sure your uncle and the rest are perfectly capable of taking it from here.
Someone should check him out. Maybe a collection somewhere got knocked over. He has one, he might have two.
You see that desk? _Your_ desk? You see the crap piled up on it?
Requiem acer'nam donaei-
What are you doing man?
-Et lux perpetua-
You'll not be bringing the church into this.
Be quiet.
-Auditorium nostrum-
Stop.
-In nomine sanctus esperitu-
Afternoon.
Your name is Conor?
Aye.
Juan Cid Romirez. Chief surveyor and alchemist.
You're not from these parts.
I haven't much to offer, Mr. Romirez from Spain, but you're welcome to what's here.
Your back, it would seem perhaps you were injured in battle?
Five years past me clan fought another over some- thing I cannot even re- member.
Your marks would suggest great injury.
I was nearly killed.
I did at that.
And but for a mark you are well as any man, no?
Aye.
I was driven out.
And now you live in a small village miles away from all you knew.
How can you know this?
Hmm, que rico. What is it you call this?
Pheasant.
You Scots have a way with game. It still has life in it. Spirit. Back home the food is so...domestic.
Why are you here?
I was sent by his majesty of Spain to Inverness as a con- sultant on matters of metal.
You're a long way from Inverness.
In my travels I heard the story of the MacLeod boy struck down and brought from the hand of death by powers not of this Earth.
You know me home. Me name.
When I was a boy a cart driven by a drunken fool crushed me. All thought I would die or be maimed for life. But I healed quickly. And like you I paid the price for being different.
You are the same?
Do you ever feel a flow, as if some- thing were pushing against you?
Yes. Always.
Does it change with me in the room?
It is less.
You feel you know me.
I don't know why.
He told me there could be only one.
Some cling to sanity through time with the one continuity and trad0 ition their lives have known: The Game. You and I Conor, we are different from all others around us. You know this, you can feel it. We are flesh and bone like any man, but unlike our neighbors we are rather difficult to injure, permanently.
I don't understand.
You are still so very young.
I'm twenty-two.
Conor, you and I, we cannot be killed.
What?
It is as you are.
Listen to me. Hear the words.
This is madness!
It is the truth.
Three days you've laid there. It's time you ate.
This can't be.
You are not dead, boy. Accept it.
This is monstrous. I'll burn in hell for all eternity.
What is to become of me? Am I to wander the Earth forever like a ghost?
You will live. Survive.
Then they were right. I am evil. This is God's punishment.
You have done nothing wrong Conor MacLeod.
Why does he want to kill me?
You recall how I spoke of the push you feel and how I make it less?
Aye.
It is always less with my living. Far or near. But if I were to die the push would become stronger than ever before. There is power in this. And as long as you and I live, The Knight can never have it all.
But we cannot be killed.
There is an imperfection. For all your healing, if your head ever leaves your neck, you are dead. You can survive anything but steel against your threat. Then it is over. The end.
How can I stop such a man?
Hide. Run to the ends of the Earth till you learn. You must learn to defend yourself. In this I can help.
Why?
Harder. Concentrate harder.
Me arm hurts.
Harder! You swing like an impotent cow!
Go to hell.
Impotent cow.
It will take less effort as you learn.
You have a gift. One you must protect.
And what is this great gift that cannot be seen or smelt?
The Fabric of life. The spark that allows the passing of existence from one generation to another.
You're no match for Scot, Mr. Romirez. We're raised as riders.
What is the fascinatioon? It is only a leaf.
As they age they contribute to a sum that is the kindling from which all future life comes. To feel it, to know it, is to be in touch with the will of every living thing.
I do not think I like the sound of that.
It does not feel nearly as frightening as it sounds. But the consequences of such feelings can be very frightening. For it gives you great strength. The strength of _knowledge_. The ability to stand between the giving of what has always been to what will always be.
I feel hardly nothing.
You have not been fully trained. But you will learn. And you will be good, I can feel that. You have apt- itude. This is why our friend is so concerned.
But why be so concerned about me?
This power is divided amongst you, me, and others like cuts in a pie. But the cuts are not equal. Some, like you and he, have more. Much more.
And you?
I am a small player. But if by helping you I can keep that monster from being the last, then perhaps my life has meant something.
I am not ready for this.
You must be. You have responsibilities. You must learn the rules. You can never attract attention to yourself, never show the side that will draw others to you. You will always know when you are in the presence of another. Beware. But more importantly Conor MacLeod, will be your battle against time. In the coming years you will see kingdoms rise then rot like
Of course.
You are young, inexperienced. You do not know what time can do. How it can sap all pity, all love.
That is not me.
Go ahead, Senor. I have my friend to keep me company.
I'm your future husband, remember?
I have no future husband.
My future husband died in battle against the Sutherlands.
What are you saying? I'm standing here as real as you.
You cannot be real, Conor. You had the last rites. No man has been cut half as bad and lived.
But I did live.
Live? In less than a week you're prancing about the country like a squirrel.
So why the crazy talk? It's a miracle it is. Saint Andrew has smiled on me. On us.
Some think not.
Who?
There's rumor in the village. Some call it magic.
That's mad. Surely you don't take their word?
I don't know, Conor. It's not natural. Maybe something has touched you.
You're sounding like that mad woman, Widow Baggins.
Please not be touching me, Conor.
I'll not take that kind of talk from you. From those others below, maybe. But not from you.
Leave me alone, Conor. Please.
If you send me away now, Mara, I'll not come looking for you.
Oh please. Another one.
What would you like?
Something pretty.
That's wonderful. Where did you ever learn it?
Far away.
David.
Who am I deceiving?
State of grace and all that.
Tradition.
Not so scared.
Perhaps not. You seem to have misplaced a private. No doubt by now his head is stranger to his neck.
No doubt.
You surprise me. Eliminating a rival like that. Such are the actions of a man of conquest. I was mistaken. 300 years have turned the boy's fear into ambit- ion.
You're wrong.
Romirez understood. Not you.
Finish your prayers?
Finish yours?
Our common heritage. I am your only real friend, you know. The only one who truly understands you. I look forward to the day we meet again. And I kill you.
Complete your inspection?
They're nothing but boys. It will be a slaughter tomorrow.
I doubt much can change that. The enemy has five brigades waiting for us.
We need more time.
Eat up Dupont. It will probably be your last.
Your name?
I thought I gave orders the regiment was to drill.
Staff sargeant detailed me to prepare firewood for the break- fast cooking.
What is your position?
Second musketeer.
I understand you joined up in Bremen.
You seem to understand a great deal.
I am a Major, Private. You would do well remembering that when addressing me.
Excuse me, "sir". I thought we spoke as equals.
Equals?
Wait. I think we understand each other.
We have no understanding.
Help? I've seen others "help". Somehow a head always ended up on the counter.
It can be different. It must be.
We must talk.
Stay out of it.
Don't threaten me, Private.
Do not turn your back on me.
You are really going to force this, aren't you?
You see Major? You are not so different...
Ah, Conor, how you look a man.
Your grandfather wore that in his service to the King, and I to fight for the Duke.
Must he go?
Aye. It is his duty. All of ours.
But Ian, he's still but a boy.
Here. The hook should go just below the head, where the meat is toughest.
Fish are creatures of habit. They like their food where they're used to it. At the top, hiding in old leaves.
Where did you learn that?
My father taught me.
Your father must be smart.
I want people in here to check over every piece of this stuff.
Figure she's with him?
Yeah.
We ran down that Church Hill info. She's right. There is no Richard Taupin.
Any other I.D.s come up?
Should have seen him the first night. Son of a bitch stood there with a quart of blood on his pant leg and didn't even blink.
Are you sure?
Won't know till the records department comes back with it this after- noon. Looks good though. They found the receipt in his townhouse. It was pretty smeared but had Taupin's father listed as a signatory.
Round up who you can and put them on standby.
Think we should call the local P.D. out there first?
Where!
I don't know.
Smith. Carl Smith.
How many came?
The last four.
And the Bulgarian?
He got him. He always does. Eventually.
He knows I'm here. How?
_Answer_ me.
Spare a chair?
Kahn?
Are you going to offer me a chair or leave me standing here all night?
How are you?
Head still secure to the neck.
How did you find me?
Old habits die hard. Waitress! A round of Nitzhic! Peasant drool, I know. But it's the closest thing they stock to my side of the fence.
What are you doing here?
And have you something to settle with me?
Not tonight. Tonight I have a drink with an old friend.
I'll never forget the look on that Papal commander's face when his "heretic stronghold" turned out to be a rock full of whores climbing all over Neuvich.
Neuvich, the clown of the crusades.
But then rides up Pope Pius who calmly brushes the dust from his papal cross, climbs off his papal horse, draws his papal sword and asks just what the hell is going on. And what did Neuvich, dear dear drunken Neuvich do?
Had a great swing with his blade. For a Pope.
He found us even there.
I haven't drunk this much since-
I love zoos. Ever since I was a kid.
I knew his great-grandfather.
You're insane.
No, seriously. We used to shoot pool together in Rangoon.
How do you do it, Kahn? How do you live so full of life for so long?
Tasting and enjoying life is the only thing of value we have. All else is just marking time. You're marking time.
The pressure only comes when you let the taste slip into your mouth.
You're wrong.
Long time.
You've been here from the start.
Friend of yours?
Of sorts.
Run!
You disappoint me. I thought you'd finally gotten over that sort of thing.
Leave her out of this.
What's the point?
This isn't done. Get up.
What's the point! You have me, finish it!
I have waited forever for this. You will not cheapen it, little boy.
Tradition.
It's all we have.
Perhaps Miss Cartwright would like to play.
Leave her alone.
We have some unfinished business.
Are you here?
I want you to come to me.
And if I refuse?
Yes laddie, I have her.
This your present address?
Yes.
Mr.- Taupin, what were you doing in that alley?
I was walking by when I heard a shout. Your men came right after.
Did you know the victim?
No.
His name was Iman Fasil if that jogs your memory.
It doesn't.
Two days ago a Bulgarian national was murdered the same way. He'd also been in the country less than a week. What is your citizenship?
Do you make a habit of hanging out in that neigh- borhood at night?
What are you getting at?
What were _you_ looking for?
That's none of your business.
Do you know what this is?
I presume it's a sword.
A claymore to be exact. You wouldn't know anything about it would you?
Your murder weapon?
It was covered with Mr. Fasil's fingerprints, but none of his blood.
A mystery.
My condolences.
Where were you Tuesday night?
Home.
A neighbor saw your car leave.
Look, I don't know what the hell you're up to, but I think I've got a pretty good idea.
Do you?
All I need is time.
Ah Steven, it is good to see you.
I only just heard of Conor. I came up from Catroch as soon as I could.
You're a kind man to be sure.
I thought it only proper to pay me last respects to the family.
Steven, Conor didn't die.
But I had heard his wounds were mortal.
When your father died I saw to it that the grounds were kept up.
The money in the estate was enough to cover your costs?
You're one of William's kids, huh?
His only kid.
Sure take after him. Never seen a father and son look more alike.
We were very close.
The resemblance is amazing.
When may I expect the cleaners?
Morning Mr. North
Same.
Such a pretty day. If I live to be 90 I'll never tire of mornings like this. Mind you I'm 74 now.
No.
Yes sir. When you get older your priorities change. It's the simple things that count. Without them growing old can be a very lonely thing.
Nothing to be sorry about.
Hello, Harvard! Got anything new on the hanging?
This is Murphy. More slop on the hanging.
A double guard's been thrown around the jail, municipal buildings, railroad terminals, and elevated stations to prepare for the expected general uprising of radicals at the hour of execution.
Ready? The Sheriff's just put two hundred more relatives on the payroll to protect the city against the Red Army -- which is leaving Moscow in a couple of minutes. Up a dime.
The Sheriff has just received four more letters threatening his life, but he says nothing can interfere with his duty.
Can't you say 'hello' to a fellow?
Are you back?
No, just a farewell appearance, batting for Sweeney. I'm going into business for myself.
What doing?
I'm getting married tomorrow.
Who is it?
What's the idea of locking this?
Bensinger -- of the Tribune.
Ain't you got any more sense than to -- ? Oh, h-hello, Mr. Burns. Why, quite an honor having you come over here.
Hello, Bensinger.
How do you mean?
I was having a little chat about you just this afternoon -- with our Mister Duffy.
Nothing -- ah -- detrimental, I hope.
I should say not! That was one swell story you had in the paper this morning.
Oh, did you -- care for the poem, Mr. Burns?
The poem?... The poem was great!
Remember the ending? " -- and all is well, outside his cell, But in his heart he hears the hangman Calling and the gallows falling And his white-haired mother's tears..."
Heartbreaking! How would you like to work for me?
Duffy! I'm sending Bensinger over to see you. Mervyn, isn't it?
No. Roy. Roy V.
Of course! Roy Bensinger, the poet. Of course you wouldn't know! You probably never heard of Shakespeare, either! Put Mr. Bensinger right on the staff. How much are you getting on the Tribune, Roy?
Seventy-five.
Let him have everything he wants. Now hustle and write me a story from the point of view of the escaped man. He hides, cowering... Afraid of every light, of every sound... hears footsteps... his heart going like that... And all the time they're closing in... Get the sense of an animal at bay!
Sort of a Jack London style?
I got my rhyming dictionary in --
I'll keep you in mind.
Au revoir, mon capitaine.
I won't be more than ten minutes, I promise you.
I said -- uh -- I said even ten minutes -- is a long time -- to be away from you.
Don't be embarrassed, Bruce. I heard it, but I just wanted to hear it again. I can stand being spoiled a little. The gentleman I'm going to have a chat with did very little spoiling.
I'd like to spoil him just once. Sure you don't want me to go in with you?
My job, Bruce. I started it -- and I'll finish it.
I suppose you're right -- but if it gets rough, remember I'm here.
Oh, it isn't like that.
You know, Hildy, he's not a bad fellow.
You're so nice, Bruce, you think everybody else is.
Oh, he's not the man for you. I can see that. But I sort of like him. Got a lot of charm.
He comes by it naturally. His grandfather was a snake.
If anybody had told me I'd be sitting at lunch with him -- but he swept me right off my feet.
Too hot?
Say, what's happened to Burns? He looks sunk, doesn't he?
I don't use my wife for business purposes, Mr. Burns!
Wait a minute, Bruce. What's commission on a $100,000.00 policy?
Well, at his age, twenty payment life, a little over a thousand dollars.
And what's the matter with a thousand dollars?
But --
According to the budget, we laid out that's more than our food bill for a whole year. Listen, Bruce, I don't want Walter Burns to use me, but I'm perfectly willing to use him. How long will it take to get him examined?
About twenty-five hundred dollars.
All right, dear.
Wait a minute, Bruce. Have you got that money?
The five hundred? Sure.
On second thought, would you let me have it? I'll get the tickets.
But --
Believe me, Bruce, I know what I'm doing. He'd get you in a crap game --
But I don't gamble, Hilda!
I know a lot of men who didn't do anything till they met Walter Burns. Please, dear.
All right. One -- two -- three -- four -- five. Five hundred. Be careful, honey.
Hildy Johnson... Oh, hello, Bruce. Have you got it? Is it certified?
All right. I've done it. Now, are you satisfied?
What's the matter?
I lost my wallet.
That's right here. Gee, it was lucky your telling me about that old newspaper superstition.
Yes, wasn't it?
I can't imagine who did it. I can't think of any enemies I have.
I'm sure you haven't any.
For a minute, I thought maybe Walter Burns was at the back of it. But then I realized he couldn't have been.
Oh, no. How could you ever think of such a thing?
Oh, I realized right away. He's really a very nice fellow, Hildy -- I found that out.
Yes, he is... Look, Bruce, we're taking that next train -- and when I say next train, this time I mean it!
Did you finish the interview?
No -- but I'm sure it'll be all right with Walter.
But, gee, Hildy -- he gave us that insurance business -- and you promised --
Hildy!
BRUCE!! How'd you get out?
Not through any help of yours, Hildy.
I waited and waited and then I had an idea and wired Albany to send me a hundred dollars so I could get out on bail... I don't know what they'll think -- they sent it to the police station!
We'll explain the whole thing to them.
I know I got you into this, Hildy, but it does seem to me that you can't care much for me if you're willing to let me stay locked up for two hours.
Oh, she was here.
Where'd she go?
Hildy! Where's mother?
Oh -- mother -- she -- I don't know where she went.
Did you give her the money?
No, I was going to give it to her -- but she left hurriedly.
Then suppose you give me the money. Four hundred and fifty dollars.
Here it is, Bruce. One -- two -- three -- four hundred -- and fifty dollars.
Just a second, Walter. Here, Bruce, here's the check... And, oh, Bruce, here's your wallet. I got it back.
I'm taking the nine o'clock train, Hildy. And you can meet us at the station.
Mr. Burns --
I've just told you I was busy with Mr. Bruce Baldwin!
You're Bruce Baldwin?
Yes!
This is a pleasure, Mr. Baldwin, and I'm sorry about the mistake.

Oh, I thought there was something funny... You see, Bruce, you don't mind if I call you Bruce, do you? After all, we're practically related --
Mr. -- well -- no -- no -- not at all.
You see, my wife -- I mean, your wife -- that is, I mean Hildy -- had led me to expect that she was marrying a much older man.
Oh.
But I see, she didn't mean old in years. You always carry an umbrella, Bruce?
Well, er -- it looked a little cloudy this morning.
Attaboy! Come on, Bruce.
Where are we going?
Where are we going? I'm going to buy you two lunch -- didn't Hildy tell you?
No -- she didn't.
Well, so you're getting married tomorrow, eh? How does it feel, Bruce?
Feels awful good. Yes, sir -- we're taking the four o'clock train to Albany and tomorrow we'll be married.
Mother? But your mother --
No. My mother.
I know I wasn't a good husband, Hildy, but you can always count on me.
Well, I'll try to give her one.
I know you will, Bruce. Are you going to live with your mother?
Just for the first year.
Mighty nice little town, Albany. They've got the State Capitol there, you know.
How's business, Bruce?
Well, Albany's a mighty good insurance town. Most people there take it out pretty early in life.
I sometimes wish I'd taken out insurance -- but, of course, now it doesn't matter. Still, I suppose it would have been the smart thing to do.
Well, I honestly feel that way. I figure I'm in one line of business that really helps people. Of course, we don't help you much when you're alive -- but afterward -- that's what counts.
Anything the matter?
Just what is the lowdown on Williams?
Are you sure Williams is not all there?
All you've got to do is talk to him. But the Mayor would hang his own grandmother to be re-elected.
But couldn't you show the man wasn't responsible?
How long would the interview take?
Oh -- an hour for the interview. Another hour to write it.
I never knew Hildy to be so determined before.
I don't know. This makes me feel funny.
Why shouldn't I make Hildy my beneficiary? I've got nobody else to leave it to.
I feel I ought to take care of her.
Well, you'll take care of her. After all, if that doctor's right, I'm going to live for a long time yet. Look, Bruce, this is a debt of honor. I was a very bad husband: Hildy could have got a lot of alimony if she'd wanted to, but she wouldn't take any. She had it coming to her, but she was too independent.
Well, I'm independent, too.
Figure it this way: I ought to be good for twenty-five years. By that time, you'll probably have made enough so that the money won't mean anything. But suppose you haven't made good -- don't you think Hildy's entitled to a quiet old age without any worries?
Well, of course, if you put it that way.
And remember this, Bruce! I love her, too.
I'm beginning to realize that.
And the beauty of it is she'll never have to know 'till I've passed on. Maybe she'll think kindly of me --- after I'm gone.
Gee, you almost make me feel like a heel -- coming between you.
Well, Bruce, here you are -- certified and everything.
Well, she'll know some day.
Don't want to forget this, you know. Might start to rain again.
Well, anyway, I know Hildy's getting a good man.
Well, I got to get back. You can find your way out, can't you?
Oh, sure. Well, thanks for everything.
Don't thank me. I should thank you. So long.
Hildy!
No -- I was just talking to one of the guys at the office.
And I'll take that certified check, too. I've decided I can handle things around here...
I'll see she's there, Bruce, I promise you.
I know how you feel, Bruce, but you've got to forgive her. She's only a woman, after all.
Suppose she is -- I have feelings, too! Do you know where I've been for the last couple of hours? Locked up in a police station and she didn't move to do anything about it.
Ts! Ts! Ts!
And now I don't know where my mother is. She may be lost.
I'll find her, Bruce, if I have to put every detective in the city on the job. Tell you what -- go over to the Missing Persons Bureau and describe your mother. What does she look like?
She's -- well, she's very motherly. That's about the best description I know.
Oh, Bruce, let me see that money Hildy gave you.
The money? Why?
There's a lot of counterfeit big bills going around.
Oh, this is all right, Bruce. I just wanted to be sure.
Who do you think you are, breaking in here like this?
If you've any accusations to make, Hartman, make them in the proper manner. Otherwise, I'll have to ask you to get out.
You'll ask me to what?
Get out!
I can explain that, Hartman. When Hildy told me she wanted to interview Earl Williams I thought it might be dangerous and I gave her a gun to defend herself.
You're barking up the wrong tree, Hartman.
No? Well -- Johnson, you're under arrest. You, too, Burns.
Who's under arrest? You pimple-headed, square-toed spy -- do you realize what you're doing?
I'll show you what I'm doing. Burns, you're guilty of obstructing justice and so is the Morning Post. I'm going to see that the Post is fined ten thousand dollars for this.
You'll see nothing of the kind, Sheriff.
Hartman, if you take this desk out of this building, I'll put you behind bars.
You will, eh? Well, we'll see about that. All right, boys. Take it.
I'm warning you -- it'll be a Federal offense. And you'll be an accessory!
What about this, Burns? Kidnapping, eh?
Call Duffy!
No, you don't!
You're going to be in office for exactly two days more and then we're pulling your nose out of the feed bag.
What's this?
Does it? You forget the power that always watches over the Morning Post.
Duffy! Get Liebowitz!
All the lawyers in the world aren't going to help you!
This is the Morning Post you're talking to!
That's absurd on the face of it, Mr. Burns! He's talking like a child.
Out of the mouths of babes.
Save that for the Tribune.
What do you want?
Why, I'm surprised, Mr. Burns. That's no way to talk to your wife -- even if she's no longer your wife.
Hello, Hildy!
How long is what?
You know what. How long since we've seen each other?
Let's see. I was in Reno six weeks -- then Bermuda... Oh, about four months, I guess. Seems like yesterday to me.
Maybe it was yesterday. Been seeing me in your dreams?
No -- Mama doesn't dream about you any more, Walter. You wouldn't know the old girl now.
You're repeating yourself! That's the speech you made the night you proposed. "-- any time -- any place -- anywhere!"
I notice you still remember it.
I'll always remember it. If I hadn't remembered it, I wouldn't have divorced you.
You know, Hildy, I sort of wish you hadn't done it.
Done what?
Divorced me. It sort of makes a fellow lose faith in himself. It almost gives him a feeling he wasn't wanted.
Holy mackerel! Look, Walter, that's what divorces are for.
Nonsense. You've got the old-fashioned idea that divorces are something that last forever -- till 'death us do part'. Why, a divorce doesn't mean anything today. It's only a few words mumbled over you by a judge. We've got something between us nothing can change.
I suppose that's true in a way. I am fond of you, Walter. I often wish you weren't such a stinker.
Now, that's a nice thing to say.
Well, why did you promise me you wouldn't fight the divorce and then try and gum up the whole works?
Well, I meant to let you go -- but, you know, you never miss the water till the well runs dry.
A fellow your age, hiring an airplane to write: 'Hildy: Don't be hasty -- remember my dimple. Walter.! It held things up twenty minutes while the Judge ran out to watch it.
Well, I don't want to brag, but I've still got the dimple -- and in the same place -- I just acted like any husband who doesn't want to see his home broken up.
Was it my fault? Did I know that coal mine was going to have another cave-in? I meant to be with you on our honeymoon, Hildy -- honest I did.
All I know is that instead of two weeks in Atlantic City with my bridegroom, I spent two weeks in a coal mine with John Kruptzky -- age sixty-three -- getting food and air out of a tube! You don't deny that. Do you?
Deny it! I'm proud of it! We beat the whole country on that story.
Well, suppose we did? That isn't what I got married for. What's the good of -- Look, Walter, I came up here to tell you that you'll have to stop phoning me a dozen times a day -- sending twenty telegrams -- all the rest of it, because I'm --
Let's not fight, Hildy. Tell you what. You come back to work on the paper and if we find we can't get along in a friendly way, we'll get married again.
What?!!
I haven't any hard feelings.
Walter, you're wonderful in a loathesome sort of way. Now, would you mind keeping quiet long enough for me to tell you what I came up here for?
Sure, come on. We'll have some lunch and you can tell me everything.
I have a lunch date. I just want --
You can break it, can't you?
No, I can't.
Sure you can. Come on.
Don't tell me what to do! We're divorced -- I'm a free woman. You're not my husband and you're not my boss! And what's more, you're not going to be my boss.
What do you mean by that?
Just what I said. That's what I --
You mean you're not coming back to work here?
That's the first time you've been right today. That's what I --
You've had a better offer, eh?
You bet I've got a better offer.
Well, go on and take it. Work for somebody else! That's the gratitude I get for --
I know, Walter, but I --
What were you when you came here five years ago? A little college girl from a School of Journalism! I took a little doll-faced mugg --
You wouldn't have taken me if I hadn't been doll-faced!
Why should I? I thought it would be a novelty to have a face around here a man could look at without shuddering.
Listen, Walter --
I made a great reporter out of you, Hildy, but you won't be half as good on any other paper, and you know it. You need me and I need you -- and the paper needs both of us.
Well, the paper'll have to learn to do without me. And so will you. It just didn't work out, Walter.
It would have worked if you'd been satisfied with just being editor and reporter. But no! You had to marry me and spoil everything.
I wasn't satisfied! I suppose I proposed to you!
Well, you practically did! Making goo-goo eyes at me for two years till I broke down. And I still claim I was tight the night I proposed. If you'd been a gentleman you'd have forgotten all about it. But not you!
Sweeney! You can't do that to me! Not today, of all days! Jumping Jehosophat! Oh, no, Sweeney... Well, I suppose so... All right. If you have to, you have to. How do you like that? Everything happens to me -- with 365 days in the year -- this has to be the day.
What's the matter?
Sweeney.
Dead?
Not yet. Might just as well be. The only man on the paper who can write -- and his wife picks this morning to have a baby!
Sweeney? Well, after all, he didn't do it on purpose, did he?
I don't care whether he did or not. He's supposed to be covering the Earl Williams case and there he is -- waiting at the hospital! Is there no sense of honor left in this country?
Well, haven't you got anybody else?
There's nobody else on the paper who can write! This'll break me, unless -- Hildy!
No!
You've got to help me, Hildy.
Keep away --
It'll bring us together again, Hildy -- just the way we used to be.
That's what I'm afraid of. "Any time -- any place -- anywhere!"
Don't mock, Hildy, this is bigger than anything that's happened to us. Don't do it for me! Do it for the paper.
Get away, Svengali.
If you won't do it for love, how about money? Forget the other offer and I'll raise you twenty-five bucks a week.
Listen, you bumble-headed baboon --
All right -- thirty-five, and not a cent more!
Please! Will you just --
Great grief! What's that other paper going to give you?
I'm not working for any other paper!
Oh! In that case, the raise is off and you go back to your old salary and like it. Trying to blackjack --
I tried to tell you right away but you started reminiscing. I'm getting married, Walter, and also getting as far away from the newspaper business as I can get! I'm through.
Get married all you want to, Hildy, but you can't quit the newspaper business.
You can't sell me that, Walter.
Who says I can't? You're a newspaper man.
That's why I'm quitting. I want to go some place where I can be a woman.
I know you, Hildy, and I know what it would mean. It would kill you.
A journalist! Peeking through keyholes -- running after fire engines -- waking people up in the middle of the night to ask them if they think Hitler's going to start a war -- stealing pictures off old ladies of their daughters that got chased by apemen! I know all about reporters -- a lot of daffy buttinskies going around without a nickel in their
Where'd you meet this man?
Bermuda.
Bermuda... Rich, eh?
Not what you'd call rich. Makes about five thousand a year.
What's his line?
He's in the insurance business.
The insurance business?
It's a good, honest business, isn't it?
Oh sure, it's honest. But somehow, I can't picture you with a guy who sells policies.
Well, I can, and I love it! He forgets the office when he's with me. He doesn't treat me like an errand-boy -- he treats me like a woman.
He does, does he? How did I treat you -- like a water buffalo?
I don't know about water buffaloes, but I know about him. He's kind and sweet and considerate. He wants a home -- and children.
Say, sounds more like a guy I ought to marry. What's his name?
Well, I'll give you a hint. By tomorrow they'll be calling me Mrs. Bruce Baldwin.
Tomorrow? Tomorrow... as quick as that?
The quicker the better. Well -- I finally got out what I came in to tell you. So long, Walter, and better luck next time.
I wish you everything I couldn't give you, Hildy.
Thanks...
Too bad I couldn't see this guy first. I'm pretty particular about whom my wife marries.
Well, he's waiting in the anteroom for me now.
Say, could I meet him?
Oh, better not, Walter. Wouldn't do any good.
You're not afraid, are you?
Afraid? I should say not!
All right then, come on and let's see this paragon. Is he as good as you say?
Then what does he want with you?
Now you got me.
You wouldn't believe this, Walter, but Bruce holds the door open for me.
And he takes his hat off when he's with a lady.
What for?
And when he walks with a lady, he waits for her!
Allow me.
I suppose I can't call this off without creating a scene -- but remember, it's your last fling.
Well, I'll tell you one thing, old man, she never looked at me the way she's looking at you.
I might have, Walter, but you were never there.
Here's luck to the bride and bridegroom.
What now?
His wife had twins and he went out to celebrate and got as drunk as a lord. They can't even find him. I tell you, drink is the ruin of this nation.
You said it.
If he's nuts, why doesn't the State just put him away?
Because it happened to be a colored policeman.
The colored vote happens to be very important to the Mayor of this town.
No, Bruce, dear. Don't you see? This is a trick to get your sympathy. No, Walter, I've been waiting for something like this -- but I wasn't sure when you'd spring it. If you want to save Earl Williams' life, you can interview him yourself. You're still a good reporter. Bruce and I will be on that four o'clock train -- and thanks just
I'm an editor. I know what ought to be written, but I can't write it the way you could. It needs a woman's heart --
Why, Walter, you're getting poetic!
How can you have any happiness after that? All through the years you'll remember that a man went to the gallows because you were too selfish to wait two hours! I tell you, Earl Williams' face will come between you on the train tonight -- and at the preacher's tomorrow -- and all the rest of your lives!
What a performance! Bravo! Don't let him fool you, Bruce -- it's only an act!
What do you mean, only an act? Haven't you got any feeling?
Well, it's either an act on your part or a miracle on Sweeney's.
What do you mean?
I happen to know Sweeney was married only three months ago. If he's got twins this morning, I claim it was done with mirrors.
All right, Hildy, I'm licked. But I'll make you and Bruce a business proposition.
We're not interested.
Now you're talking!
You keep out of this. Bruce, suppose you examine Mr. Burns in his office. I'll get my bag and go over to the Press Room in the Criminal Courts Building. You phone me as soon as Mr. Burns has given you his check. Then I'll go get the interview and you phone Mother that we're taking the six o'clock train. And no tricks, Walter!
What tricks would I pull?
What do you think I am -- a crook?
Yes --- and that's putting it mildly! No certified check -- no story -- Get me?
All right. The check will be certified. Want my fingerprints?
Exclusive? That's great.
It cost me four hundred and fifty bucks to tear it out of Cooley.
Never mind that. What's the story?
Never mind it? That's not my money! That's Bruce's money!
You'll get it. Now what's the story? I'll have the paper send the money right down to you. I swear it on my mother's grave.
Wait a minute. Your mother's alive.
I meant on my grandmother's grave. Don't be so technical, Hildy. What's the story?!
Well, I'm coming to it. It seems the Professor had to have a gun to re- enact the crime with -- and who do you suppose supplied it? Nobody else but that great thinker, Sheriff Hartman!
No kidding, Hildy. Say, this isn't a rib?
No, this is on the level, Walter. I'm not good enough to make this one up. The Sheriff gave his gun to the Professor, the Professor gave it to Earl, and Earl gave it right back to the Professor -- right in the stomach! Who? No, Egelhoffer wasn't hurt badly. They took him to the County Hospital where they're afraid he'll recover.
That's great work, Hildy... Huh? Oh, will you stop worrying about the money? I'll see you get it in fifteen minutes.
It better be fifteen minutes, because Bruce is waiting downstairs in a taxicab and that meter's clicking away to beat the band.
Walter! D-did you see -- -- that?
Yes. Where is he?
She jumped out of the window.
Where do you think you're going?
Let go o' me! I've got to get Bruce out of jail! Oh, Walter, why did you have to do this to me?
Get Bruce out of jail! How can you worry about a man who's resting comfortably in a quiet police station while this is going on? Hildy, this is war! You can't desert now!
Oh, get off that trapeze! There's your story! Smear it all over the front page -- Earl Williams caught by the Morning Post! And take all the credit -- I covered your story for you and I got myself in a fine mess doing it -- and now I'm getting out! I know I told you that twice before today -- but this time
You drooling idiot! What do you mean, you're getting out! There are three hundred and sixty-five days in the year one can get married -- but how many times have you got a murderer locked up in a desk? -- Once in a lifetime! Hildy, you've got the whole city by the seat of the pants!
I know, but --
You know! You've got the brain of a pancake! That wasn't just a story you covered -- it was a revolution! Hildy! This is the greatest yarn in journalism since Livingstone discovered Stanley for the New York Herald!
Wait a minute -- wasn't it Stanley who discovered Livingstone?
Don't get technical at a time like this! Do you realize what you've done? You've taken a city that's been graft-ridden for forty years under the same old gang and with this yarn you're kicking 'em out and giving us a chance to have the same kind of government that New York's having under La Guardia! We'll make such monkeys out of these ward-heelers
I'd like to think.
Well, think it then, because it's true! We'll crucify that mob. We're going to keep Williams under cover till morning so the Post can break the story exclusive. Then we'll let the Governor in on the capture -- share the glory with him.
I get it!
You've kicked over the whole City Hall like an apple-cart. You've got the Mayor and Hartman backed against a wall. You've put one administration out and another in. This isn't a newspaper story -- it's a career! And you stand there belly-aching about whether you catch an eight o'clock train or a nine o'clock train! Still a doll-faced mugg! That's all you are.
Let me get at that typewriter and I'll show you how a doll-faced mugg can write!
Attagirl! Why, they'll be naming streets after you -- Hildy Johnson Street! There'll be statues of you in the parks, Hildy. The radio'll be after you -- the movies! By tomorrow morning I'll betcha there's a Hildy Johnson cigar! I can see the billboards now. Light up with Hildy Johnson!
Whoa -- wait a minute. We can't leave Williams here. One of the other fellows'll --
We're going to take him over to my private office. Where's our phone?
Not if he's inside the desk. We'll carry the desk over. Give me Duffy!
You can't take that desk out. It's crawling with cops outside.
Hildy!
Huh!
Get the lead out of your typewriter and start pounding out a load, will you? Snap into it!
How much do you want on it?
All the words you've got.
Can I call the Mayor a bird of prey -- or is that libelous?
How about the time he had his house painted by the Fire Department?
For Pete's sake, Hildy, they're waiting for the rest of that story!
Hildy!
Listen, did you impress it on Butch that I want him and his gang here right away? You did? Every minute counts. All right. Duffy's getting old!
Well, keep going! We want an extra out on the streets before it's too late!
Where's Bruce?
Bruce? Oh -- er -- he went out to get the tickets.
What tickets?
Railroad tickets.
Is he coming back here?
Double-crossing swine!
Tear into it, will you? Don't sit there like a frozen robin!
I'm finished.
Bruce ought to be back by now. Walter, you're not trying anything again, are you?
Where's Mrs. Baldwin?
What did you do with her?
What happened?
Where is she? Tell me!
Don't tell me -- was she killed?
It's Fate, Hildy. What will be, will be.
What am I going to say to Bruce? What'll I tell him?
If he really loves you, you won't have to tell him anything. Snap out of it! Would you rather have had the old dame dragging the whole police force in here?
Look at me, Hildy --
I'm looking at you -- you murderer!
If it was my own mother, I'd carry on! You know I would. For the paper!
Hello -- hello...
Gimme Western four-five-five-seven.
Who? Hello, Butch! Where are you?
Mission Hospital? Gimme the Receiving Room.
What are you doing there? Haven't you even started?
Hello -- Eddie? Hildy Johnson. Was there an old lady brought in from an auto smashup?
Oh, for -- H. Sebastian -- Butch! Listen, it's a matter of life and death! Listen!
Nobody? Morningside three-one-two-four.
I can't hear... You got who? Speak up! A what?... You can't stop for a dame now!
Is this the Community Hospital?
I don't care if you've been after her for six years! Butch, our whole lives are at stake! Are you going to let a woman come between us after all we've been through?
Hello, Max, Hildy Johnson. Was there an old lady --?
Butch! I'd put my arm in fire for you -- up to here! Now, you can't double-cross me!... She does? All right -- put her on. I'll talk to her... Hello! Oh, hello, Madam... Now listen, you ten-cent glamour girl, you can't keep Butch away from his duty... What's that? You say that again and I'll come over there and knock your eye out!
Shut up, will you? You sure? Nobody?
Lafayette two-one-hundred.
Ring that number, will you?
Come here. See if we can move it.
Hello -- hello! Is this the Lying -- In Hospital? Did you have an auto accident in the last --
Will you come here?
Oh, I see. I beg your pardon.
When I'm surrounded, with my back against the wall, you're not going to lay down on me, are you --
Hildy, you just can't leave me out on a limb now. It -- it wouldn't be cricket!
Don't open that!
No, you don't! Walter!
No!
Wait a minute! Let go there!
Murder, uh?
When did you deliver this first?
Which ought to be about three hours more, I'd say.
Just until we can get out a special edition asking for your impeachment.
How was that for a tight squeeze?
Don't tell me you were worried!
Worried! I was petrified. Weren't you?
Uh-uh. As long as we were in there together pitching -- they couldn't lick us. Well, it's been a lot of fun.
In a way.
I mean -- working together. Just like the old days. The things we've been through, Hildy.
We've certainly been in some swell jams.
Remember the time we broke into the D.A.'s office, and copied Fifi Randell's diary?
Yeah. What about the time we hid the missing heiress in the sauerkraut factory? Six scoop interviews!
Yeah - but that time we stole Old Lady Haggerty's stomach off the Coroner's physician. We proved she was poisoned though, didn't we?
We sure did, but we had to go in hiding for a week.
In the Shoreland Hotel. And our only chaperon was the poor old lady's stomach.
Sorry, Hildy. I didn't mean to be making love to another man's fiancee.
That's all right, Walter. It's as much my fault as yours.
Bruce is making the nine o'clock train. I told him you'd be on it -- unless you want to write this story yourself.
Well, if it's my last story, I'd like it to be a good one. But -- I guess I can't, Walter.
Suit yourself, kid. This isn't for me to decide. Of course, you could make a later train and still be in Albany tomorrow morning.
Yeah. I suppose I could. But, Walter --
He's going to have you the rest of his life, Hildy. Can't you give me another hour?
I don't know what to do, Walter.
Flip a coin.
Well -- what is it?
Hildy!
Don't touch me! I'm not doing it for you!
Then why are you doing it?
The greatest yarn ever written by anybody. My hat's off to you, Hildy!
Thanks.
And what a way to quit. While you're still champion! That's the way to leave, Hildy!
Yeah. Only -- only I'm not leaving, Walter.
What do you mean? Bruce'll be waiting for you in Albany.
No, he won't. I wired him that I wasn't coming.
Where'd you wire him?
On the nine o'clock train. That's the one he took, isn't it?
Sure.
It's awfully clear now. Bruce needs a wife who can give him a home -- and affection -- and peace. I couldn't do that for him, Walter. I'm what you made me -- a cheap reporter who'd give up her soul for a story!... Is that job still open?
Both jobs are open, Hildy. The paper -- and being Mrs. Walter Burns.
Thanks, Walter, but it's no good. We tried it.
Sure, it was good -- it was wonderful! Only you expected it to be like other marriages. It can't be like other marriages -- we're different! We're a different world. Look at what we went through today. I wouldn't trade that for any honeymoon in the world. I bet you wouldn't, either.
A fine honeymoon, with a murderer right in the boudoir! And that other honeymoon in a coal mine!
That's what makes it romantic. Every other married couple goes away on a honeymoon and for two weeks the bride knows just where the groom is, and vice versa. But us -- you never know where I am and I'm not sure where you are. That's Romance!
Well, maybe I'd like to know just once!
Hildy, if that's what you want, all right. We'll even go to -- how about Niagara Falls?
Niagara Falls! Walter, you don't mean that?
Sure I do. And I'll tell you something else -- I'd like a baby.
Walter!
Sure, I can't last forever. I want a son I can train to take my place on this paper.
What would you do if it was a daughter?
Well, if she looked like you -- Say! My brains and your looks -- that mightn't be such a bad combination.
What's the matter with my brains?
What's the good of arguing about something that probably doesn't exist? Look, Hildy, I'm proposing to you. What do you say?
Well, I'd like to be lady-like and think it over.
What!
That's what he said the last time. Don't believe him, Judge.
Hildy, from this time on no tricks, no double-crossing -- everything on the level!
How about Bruce's?
Walter, you can't do that!
Hildy, darling!
Yes -- 'Hildy, darling'. I'm just a fool. That's what I am. I know what it's going to be like.
It'll be Heaven!
But, Hildy -- I can explain --
Louie, take this lady over to Polack Mike's and lock her up. See that she doesn't take to anyone on the way.
Are you referring to me, Madam?
Come on, Sheriff. We've got to get bail.
Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
You grey-haired old Judas!
Down Western Avenue. We were going sixty-five miles an hour. You know what I mean?
Butter-fingers! I give you an old lady to take somewhere, and you hand her over to the cops!
What do you mean, I handed her? The patrol wagon was on the wrong side of the street.
Now everything's fine. She's probably squawking her head off in some police station.
You stay here. I'll find out everything.
Anything you want, Boss.
Beat it out and get hold of some guys.
Who do you want?
You know me. The shirt off my back.
You got plenty of money?
Sure, boss.
I mean real money -- not counterfeit!
Walter!
I'm busy, Duffy.
Well, you're not too busy to know that the Governor hasn't signed that reprieve!
What?
And that means Earl Williams dies tomorrow morning and makes a sucker out of us!
You're crazy. Where's Mac?
He's on my phone. He just called me.
Don't blame me. I'm City Editor in name only. You do all the hiring around here.
Here's that certified check, Walter. I drew out my wife's savings, and if this isn't back by 5:30 I'm a ruined man!
Hello, Hildy! What are you doing around here?
I want to interview Earl Williams, Warden. How about a little service?
Say, isn't this your twenty dollars?
I think it is.
Cooley, I want to talk to you.
There's money in it, Cooley.
I can't Hildy. It means my job! It means --
How much?
Four hundred and fifty dollars. Is it a deal?
Let's see the money.
The newspapers! Sheriff, they're the scum of modern civilization.
You said it!
They're always after me for interviews.
Me, too.
Of course, I sort of promised them I would give out a statement when I got through here. You don't mind?
Well, I don't know if that's ethical. You see, all statements are supposed to come from me.
We'll have to satisfy them. What would you say to giving them a joint interview? I could give them some of the psychological aspects of the case and you could give them the legal aspects.
A joint interview, eh? That might be all right. We could have our pictures taken together, Doctor.
Yes, shaking hands. I don't take a very good picture, though.
It doesn't matter. The publicity's the main thing.
I don't know --
Are you gentlemen all through with me?
You know you are to be executed, Mr. Williams. Who do you feel is responsible for that?
The system. But I'm not afraid to die, Doctor. I'm dying for what I believe.
I see. You realize, however, that you committed a crime?
Now, the Sheriff will be Mollie Malloy, in whose room you were. You will be Earl Williams. And I will be the policeman. Follow me, Mr. Williams?
So -- now I say to you: 'Earl Williams, you are under arrest!' and you point your gun at me.
Well, it wasn't exactly that way --
Well, that about covers everything.
Say, that's old Prissy Bensinger's desk.
I call. What you got?
Three bullets! Any good?
Who locked the door?
Open up there, will you!
Hey!
Kind of exclusive, ain't you? We got calls to make, you know.
Mollie Malloy -- what happened to her?
She looks as though she's going to come to.
Give me a hand with her, will you?
A fine bunch of reporters. Biggest story in two years and they're too lazy to go after it.
Better let us in on it, Mollie.
That must be the tenth alienist they've had on Williams. Even if he wasn't crazy before, he would be after ten of those babies got through psychoanalyzing him. Gimme the desk.
This Egelhoffer's pretty good.
Yeah? What did he ever do for his country?
Trouble is, when the Red Menace shows up the Sheriff will still be crying 'Wolf!'
Well, a guy can win when Hildy ain't around.
She says she's gonna write fiction.
You guys wanna play some more poker?
Boy, did you see her go?
No, I tell you! Nobody knows where he got it.
The Crime Commission has offered a reward of ten thousand dollars for Williams' capture.
So have we!
What's the dope, Sheriff?
Say, Hildy, if I know you, you sound pretty anxious to get rid of us. Are you trying to scoop us or something?
Oh, you two are pals now -- I think you're right, Endicott. Mollie did give her some kind of story.
Come on, you! Before we slap you down.
Do you want us to call the cops and have them give you the boots?
Come on, Pinky! Give 'em a little third degree.
Hold the phone!
I'll call.
Goodbye, Yonson.
What a chase!
You ain't gettin' out o' here!
We know what you're up to.
How's everything, Gus?
Oh -- I'll take the same, I guess. And coffee.
Little rum in yours, too?
No -- just coffee, Gus.
Oh, I'm sorry, Gus! My foot must have slipped.
Gus, this --
Same way you did. Through that gate.
I gave strict orders that nobody was to interview Williams without my permission.
All right, then, I'll just run the story that Sheriff Hartman is afraid to let reporters interview his prisoner. Of course, with election coming, that might do you a lot of harm, but just as you say.
Now, wait a minute! I'm not afraid of anything. What were you going to write about Williams?
Oh, nothing much. Just that the state had proved he was sane -- and he admits it himself. If you don't want me to run it --
No, thanks Sheriff. I'm leaving town tonight.
You ought to stay over. You always wrote a good hanging story, Hildy.
Just a minute, Johnson!
Take your paws off me!
Let me go! Fellows, something's happened to my mother-in-law.
I don't know anything, I tell you. There's been an accident.
Johnson, there's something very peculiar going on.
You can send somebody with me if you don't believe me!
I wasn't born yesterday. Now the boys tell me you and this Mollie Malloy --
Johnson, I'm going to the bottom of this. What do you know about Williams? Are you going to talk or aren't you?
What do I know about Williams?
Where'd you get this?
I've got a right to carry a gun if I want to.
He went over to the hospital to call on Professor Egelhoffer.
What?
He's harmless.
Don't take any chances. Shoot through the desk.
That's murder!
If the Mayor wants me, he knows where I am.
This tear bomb went off unexpectedly in the hands of Sheriff Hartman's Bombing Squad.
What went off?
Four of Mr. Hartman's Deputy Sheriffs were rushed to the hospital --
A fine fair-weather friend you are!
The names are Merwyn D. Mayor, who is the Mayor's brother-in-law --
After all I've done for you --
Where is he?
I'm Sheriff Hartman. You want me?
For who?
Read it! Insane, he says. He knows very well that Williams ain't insane!
Well, wait a minute, will you? I'm in conference.
Just one second --
Pete, I want to talk to you!
I ain't got time, Fred, honest. I'll see you after.
Did you actually give Williams that gun?
The professor asked me for it -- I thought it was for something scientific!
Now, listen, Fred. Just give me a few hours before you make any decisions. I'll get results. I'm doing everything humanly possible. I've just sworn in four hundred deputies.
Four hundred! Do you want to bankrupt this administration?
I'm getting them for twelve dollars a night.
Twelve dollars! -- For those rheumatic uncles of yours? Out shooting everybody they see for the fun of it?
Pete, you're through!
What do you mean -- through?
I mean I'm scratching your name off the ticket Tuesday and running Czernecki in your place. It's nothing personal. And, Pete -- it's the only way out. It's a sacrifice we all ought to be glad to make.
Fred!
Now, Pete! Please don't appeal to my Sentimental side.
Fred, I don't know what to say. A thing like this almost destroys a man's faith in human nature.
I wish you wouldn't talk like that, Pete.
Our families, Fred. I've always looked on Bessie as my own sister.
That gives you an idea of what I'm up against!
Williams ain't a Red, and you know it!
Well, there's a lot of Communistic sympathizers around --
I know it! But they've got nothing to do with this case! Do you realize there are two hundred thousand votes at stake and unless we hang Earl Williams we're going to lose 'em?
The Governor gave me his word of honor he wouldn't interfere. Two days ago!
Pure politics!
Dementia praecox Oh-h-h!
We got to think fast before those lying reporters get hold of this. What'll we tell 'em?
Tell 'em the party is through in this State on account of you.
Ah, Fred -- Hello... this is Hartman --
And you can tell 'em as an afterthought that I want your resignation now!
Sssh. Wait, Fred. What?... Where?... Where? Holy Moses!
What is it?
They got him! Wait a minute -- hold the wire. They got Earl Williams surrounded -- the Riot Squad has -- in his house.
Tell 'em to hold the wire.
I did. Hold the wire.
No -- don't out me off.
Hold your horses -- will you, Olsen? Hurry up, Fred!
We'll fix that, too.
All right. Tell 'em to shoot to kill.
What?
Shoot to kill, I said.
I don't know, Fred. There's that reprieve if they ever find out.
Nobody reprieved that policeman he murdered. Now, do as I tell you.
Hello, Olsen... Listen... Shoot to kill... That's the orders pass the word along... No! We dont want him! And listen, Olsen, five- hundred bucks for the guy that does the job... Yes, I'll be right out there. Well, I hope that's the right thing to do.
Now take that guilty look off your face, Pete -- and stop trembling like a horse.
Fine work, Pete! You certainly delivered the goods. I'm proud of you.
Look kind o' natural, don't they, Fred?
A sight for sore eyes!
Aiding an escaped criminal! And a little charge of kidnapping I'm looking into. But that's the jail! There must be somebody there!
Who is this man?
You drunken idiot! Arrest him! The idea of coming here with a cock-and- bull story like that!
That's a lie!!
Take those handcuffs off our friends, Pete. That wasn't at all necessary.
Walter, I can't tell you how badly I feel about this. There was no excuse for Hartwell to fly off the handle.
And so do I!
Fine, thanks, Sheriff.
That's good, Earl. Oh, they've got another alienist to see you. He ought to be here any minute. Don't go to sleep, will you?
I won't.
I hope you're pretty nearly through with me, Doctor, I'm getting a little fatigued.
Got you, Williams!
Let him out of here, Lieutenant.
But, Hildy, I can't. He's accused of stealing a watch. And they found the watch on him.
And who accused him? Diamond Louis! One of the worst crooks in town! Why don't you arrest Louis instead of innocent people that he frames?
Now, Hildy --
Don't Hildy me! Are you going to let him out?
I can't.
All right. You can't. But tomorrow the Post will run the story of that roulette game on 43rd Street that your brother-in-law runs. And we'll print that you get five hundred a month for forgetting about it!
Now, Hildy, don't be hasty! I can't let him out.
You can let him out on bail, can't you?
Five hundred dollars.
You'll take fifty and like it!
Oh, I ain't doing that any more. I'm retired. I'm one of you fellas now -- a newspaper man.
Wait a minute, Walter. You can't do that!
Where's the old lady?
We run smack into a police patrol. You know what I mean? We broke it in half!
I'm telling you. Can you imagine bumping into a load of cops?! They come rollin' out like oranges!
What did you do with her?
Search me! When I come to I was running down Thirty-fifth Street.
-- You were with her. You were in the cab, weren't you?
Nobody's going to rush me into anything! You keep away from me!
Gentlemen of the Press! Always picking on somebody who can't defend himself -- the littler the better.
Phone for you, Hildy.
Who is it?
Oh, some insurance man. Are you in?
There goes another scrub lady.
Well, anyhow, I won't be covering stuff like this any more.
It's getting so a girl can't step out of the room without being discussed by a bunch of old ladies. Hello, Post... Mr. Walter Burns, please.
Well, Hildy, we were only saying that a swell reporter like you wouldn't give this up so easily.
Hello, Mr. Burns. Yes, she's still here.
Any news?
You fight it cut.
I don't know why you boys are so good to me.
Your poker's improved a lot, Hildy. Lend me two bucks, will you?
Certified, eh? Who is it -- your milkman?
But, Bruce, don't keep it in your wallet!... Well, you see -- -- there's an old newspaper superstition that the first big check you get you -- you put in the lining of your hat. That brings you good luck for ten years.
Say, I've been a reporter twenty years and never heard any hooey like that. Where'd you get it?
Hello, Hildy. I thought you were gone.
Did you get that, Hildy?
If Walter Burns calls, hold the wire for me, will you? I'll be right back.
Okay. Forget it.
Look out, you --
Have you got my dough?
Oh, sure. The boss sent me over with it. Four hundred dollars, wasn't it?
Four hundred and fifty and I'll cut your throat if you try any tricks!
All right, all right. You can't blame a guy for tryin', can you?
Come on with that money!
First you got to sign a receipt.
Where's the money?
Keep your shirt on. I got it -- right here. One hundred -- two hundred -- three hundred -- four hundred -- and fifty. Now sign.
Here!
Thanks. So long, Hildy!
So long, nothing! Where's Bruce Baldwin's wallet?
Huh?
None of that innocent stuff, you double-crossing hyena! You stuck Bruce Baldwin in jail this afternoon on a phony charge that he swiped your watch, and you frisked his wallet! Now, give me that wallet or I'll stick you in jail and it won't be on any phony charge either! It'll be for life!
You know it is!
I didn't frisk him. He must have dropped it in Burns' office. I didn't know whose it was.
No -- and you don't know that your cheap boss has had Mr. Baldwin arrested again -- do you?
Kings and sixes.
That's good.
Any dope yet on how he got out?
Hildy, I thought you were gone --
Well -- I was going, but Mollie fainted away and I thought I ought to do what I could.
Hiding him where?
Mother!
Don't you mother me! Playing cat-and- mouse with my poor boy! Keeping him looked up -- making us miss two trains -- and supposed to be married tomorrow!
Mother, I can explain everything. I'll go with you in five minutes and --
I don't know what she's talking about. I never said any such thing.
Mother!
That man there!
I couldn't plead insanity, because you see I'm just as sane as anybody else.
You didn't mean to kill that policeman?
Of course not. I couldn't kill anybody -- it's against everything I've ever stood for. They know it was an accident. They're not hanging me for that -- they're hanging me for my beliefs.
What are your beliefs, Earl?
They're very simple. I believe in the Golden Rule. I'm not the first man to die for preaching it. But if they would only listen to it -- we could have a fine, decent world instead of this mass of hate that makes man do such cruel things.
How would you go about applying the Golden Rule, Earl?
I'd do away with the profit system and have production for use only. There's enough food and clothing and shelter for everybody if we'd use some sense.
"Production for use only." Well, maybe that's the answer.
It's the only answer. Everything has a use and if we let it be used for its purpose, we could solve all our problems. Food was meant to be eaten, not stored away in restaurants while poor people starved; clothing was meant to be worn, not piled up in stores while people went naked. Doesn't that make sense?
A gun? Why -- to shoot, of course.
Is that how you came to shoot the policeman?
Sure. You see, I'd never had a gun in my hand before and I didn't know what to do with it. Well, when I get stuck, I know that there's an answer for everything in production for use. So it came to me in a flash: what's a gun for? To shoot! So I shot. Simple isn't it?
Very simple, Earl.
There's nothing crazy about that, is there?
No, Earl, not at all. Who sent you the flowers, Earl?
Miss Mollie Malloy. She's a wonderful person.
Isn't that her picture?
Don't forget about production for use.
You're not going to phone anybody where I am.
You're not going to shoot me, Earl. I'm your friend, remember? I've got to write that story about your "Production for Use".
Earl, you don't want to hurt your friends, do you?
Maybe you're my friend and maybe you're not -- but don't come any nearer. You can't trust anybody in this crazy world. Say, I'll bet I could shoot you from here.
Sure you could, Earl -- but you wouldn't want to do that, would you? You wouldn't want to kill anybody.
Earl, there's just one thing I ought to clear up for the interview.
What's that? Only -- you're getting too near. I don't trust anybody.
I don't blame you, Earl. If I were in your place I wouldn't trust anybody, either.
Earl, you must never do that again.
Oh, I'm awful tired. I couldn't go through another day like this.
Don't talk too loud.
Wakin' me up in the middle of the night -- talkin' to me about things they don't understand. Callin' me a Bolshevik. I'm an anarchist. It's got nothin' to do with bombs. It's the philosophy that guarantees every man freedom. You see that, don't you?
Quiet, Mollie, quiet!
Don't cry, Mollie, there's nothing to cry about.
How'd you get here, Earl?
Stop screaming, Mollie or we're sunk. I'm trying to think of something before those reporters get back.
What good'll it do?
Come on, Mollie. This is no place for you.
They're not human!
They're newspaper men, Mollie. They can't help themselves. The Lord made them that way.
Where are they gone? You know where they are?
They got him surrounded some place -- gonna shoot him like a dog!
Mollie, they haven't got him. You gotta help me, Mollie! We've got to do something!
What's that?
Quiet, Mollie!
They'll get him! They'll get him!
I'm coming! Keep dead quiet. Don't even breathe.
What's the idea?
Hey --
Are you all right, now?
What do you want?
I'm a messenger at the State House. This is from the Governor.
What's from the Governor?
They were all standing around when he wrote it. It was after they got back from fishing.
Get the Governor on the phone!
You can't get him on the phone. He's out duckshooting now.
Now, listen! You never arrived here with this -- reprieve. Get it?
Yes, I did, just now. Don't you remember?
How much do you make a week?
Huh?
How much do you make a week? What's your salary?
Who? Me?
Now, listen. There's a fine opening for a fellow like you in the City Sealer's office.
The what?
The City Sealer's office!
You mean here in the city?
Why not?
I couldn't work in the city. You see, I've got my family in the country.
But you could bring 'em in here! We'll pay all your expenses.
No, I don't think so.
For heaven's sake, why not?
I got two kids going to school there, and if I changed them from one town to another, they'd lose a grade.
No, they wouldn't -- they'd gain one! And I guarantee that they'll graduate with highest honors!
This puts me in a peculiar hole.
No, it doesn't. Now, remember: you never delivered this. You got caught in the traffic, or something. Now, get out of here and don't let anybody see you.
But how do I know...?
Come in and see me in my office tomorrow. What's your name?
Pinkus.
You forgot to tell me what a City Sealer has to do.
I'll explain it tomorrow!
Is it hard?
Get out of here!
They wouldn't take it.
Here's the picture of my wife.
A very fine-looking women.
She's good enough for me! And if I was to go home and tell my wife --
If you ask us, no. If you ask the state alienists, the answer is yes.
Well, well -- Miss Mollie Malloy.
Look out!
Sure, Mollie, you never looked better in your life.
Get the cops, somebody.
There she is!
What's your hurry?
Williams put up a desperate struggle but the police overpowered --
Well -- Williams goes a little balmy and begins making speeches on a plan he's got to save the world. Only he makes his speeches, usually, on a very busy street and neglects to get a license for it. Well, the cops let him alone as much as they can because he's harmless and they're kinda sorry for him. But one day he decides
Baldwin -- his name is.
Who? Hildy Johnson? She just stepped out. She'll be back in a second. Who? Oh, Mr. Baldwin. Well, if you'll hang on a minute, she ought to be right in. All right.
Baldwin. The blushing bridegroom -- himself.
What's he want?
The door was locked.
What's that?
Henry Chapman's daughter. It was Sheila. I remember her from last year.
Can I try?
Never let a rat creep up on you.
That was a googly!
I know.
You're a dark horse, bowling googlies at your age. Toss me up another.
Want to know why they're called Faith, Hope, Grace and Charity?
Why?
This is going too far, young man.
But Grandpa, you said...
Give him the you-know-what.
You miserable little tripe-hound. I'm the one who should be fed up, sacrificing my last sup of black market petrol to take you to school.
I have to live in Rosehill Avenue as well.
Only till they get you into the local school.
With Mrs. Evans. I hate her.
It's true.
Grandpa, if you think of something hard enough, can you make it happen?
Pauline's mum got killed.
No, she didn't.
What are you doing here? This is our territory
I never was.
I know a secret.
What's that?
The Germans are dropping men on bomb sites.
My uncle's in the War Office. He said, Don't go on the bomb sites. "Boys are going missing all the time."
You want to join our gang?
I don't mind.
Do you know any swear words?
Yes.
Well go on then. You can't join if you can't answer.
That word is special. That word is only for something really important. Now, repeat after me... Bugger off.
Bugger off.
Sod.
Sod.
Bloody.
Bloody.
Now put them together. Bugger off, you bloody sod.
Bugger off, you bloody sod.
They pulled them up from all the crossroads, so when the Germans land they'll lose their way.
Won't they have maps?
He's never going to come back. He's gone off to be a soldier and Mummy doesn't even know.
It doesn't matter, I can drive the car home.
You wouldn't.
Would.
You couldn't.
Go and ask her if she wants to play.
Ask her yourself.
Tell them about Pauline's mum.
Bruce, look! Dad got some German jam.
I suppose they're still learning, that's why they keep moving about.
It's easy. I've done it.
Who with?
Pauline.
I did see them. I did.
You're the biggest fibber.
The next one is ours. Either it hits us or it goes past us.
...and four and five...
Please God. Not on us. Drop it on Mrs. Evans. She's a cow.
Can't we just see the end?
They've got the real thing outside.
Mind that shrapnel DAWN thrusts a brass regimental hat badge in BILL'S face.
I'm starting my own collection.
Well, I'm not having any. Even if it's not poisoned. I don't think it's right. It's not patriotic.
You don't like jam. You hate jam. You never eat jam.
You did that for me, and on the last day of your holidays?
Well, for the baby, really.
Crocodiles! Aah!
But Dad, It's the News.
Now, the googly looks like a leg break, but it's really an off break. Got it? Like this.
It's like telling fibs.
You said that last year, Dad.
What's that?
Big Berthas, shelling France. Twenty-five-mile range, they have.
Wow!
They send over a few every day, to let them know we're still here. Each shell costs as much as a Ford 8.
Who pays for them?
It was great for me, how was it for you.
A bit too quick.
Well. Now we can do it slow. Are those some kind of stockings you're wearing?
They might be.
Take it away. I know your husband's been away a long time, but....
Boy, that was some air-raid.
Air-raid?
What is it?
We're not supposed to say, but we're being shipped out tomorrow.
Where?
I don't know?
You do, you do. You're just not saying.
You expect me to spend the rest of the war sitting at home staring at a ring? And you'll meet some French girl who can speak your own language. No thank you!
Could you seal it over with hot pitch, Clive? Caulk it like the hull of a ship.
...It was a toss-up. His company went to India, mine went to France. Flip of a coin.
...two Indians to fan me all night. The heat.
And Jim.
Root it out Clive... the thought of it, before it takes hold.
Weeds will grow, Mac.
Consider Grace, the kids. I love them like my own. And you.
You're a mug, Clive. We did our bit in the Last Lot.
What did we know? We were seventeen.
What kind of war is this Mac? Up there in Cumberland, we never see an air-raid. The worst problem I have is getting a new typewriter ribbon. When I rode in against the Turks, I knew what it was about.
What about it?
Rosehill Avenue. No roses. No hill. And it's certainly not an avenue.
Why not?
You need trees for an avenue.
There was talk of planting some when we first came.
How's your war, Mac?
Never done better. On the fiddle. Like everyone else.
Except the servicemen.
Naturally.
I don't understand. Is there any point to it?
You always were, Clive. Steady the Buffs.
Don't panic! Keep your head!
So you're going to be a grandfather.
And I'm still just a lad myself.
Here's to music. And absent friends.
And absent bridegrooms!
No Turks.
We didn't know that. It was a suicide mission. Machetes against artillery. Volunteers only.
We all had to write a last letter home.
Has Sue got it right?
What's that?
You joined up.
Oh, that.
And what's that?
We don't know anything about it
Well, it's off ration. We know that.
Well?
It looks....foreign.
Taste it. Why don't you taste it?
You mean they let you go through the officer training course and then said you were too old for a commission?
That's it.
Why didn't they say that before you started?
I wasn't too old when I started the course. I was too old when it finished.
What are you going to be then?
When do you think you'll get leave again?
I'm glad you didn't send them to your aunt.
I've had a letter from her. They've moved house.
I've found a bungalow to rent up the towpath, Clive. I never want to leave the river again. The children have had such a wonderful summer.
I doubt if a few bombs would wake up Dawn on a Sunday morning.
This phoney war get's on my nerves. If we're going to have a war, I wish they'd get it started.
You know it? It must be an old one.
Ancient. Have you finished your homework?
He always knows.
What would we do if a German came into the house?
Don't be silly, Dawn.
Tell me the truth. You had to get married, didn't you? Because of me.
The ideas you get in your head.
I won't have this vulgar talk in my house.
And where do you think you're going?
Out.
You go to bed this minute and take off that lipstick.
I want him. I want him so much. I'll kill myself if I can't have him.
You better bring him home, if you really love him. Don't kill love. You'll regret it for the rest of your life.
What is it, pet?
He's being posted. I was terrible to him.
What did he say?
He said I was right. I shouldn't wait for him. I was better to make a clean break.
I think it's very sensible in the circumstances.
I don't believe this is happening to me.
It looks a bit fishy to me.
Now take deep breaths, and push.
Is it peace in out time?
No, Mother! It's War! War!
Did they say how long it would take to get new ration books, Grace?
Up to six weeks, I think.
...such nice boys with straw boaters and blazers. All the punts lit up with Chinese lanterns. Like fireflies. And the gramophone going on one of the boats. Always the Charleston, the Charleston, the Charleston. Oh, you girls.
It was the best time of his life.
I can't do it. What's the point?
Please yourself. Let them go, if they want.
It seems to have survived.
Mac, that was wonderful. I haven't been to a concert since...
...since I used to take you to the Proms?
Remember this beach, Mac? All those summers. Out two families, together.
Mac, did you ever find out who Molly went off with?
She said, 'I know you love me, Mac, but you've never loved me enough.'
It's all better left unsaid, Grace.
You were never apart, you and Clive. He kept asking and asking. And I waited and waited for you to say something. And you never did.
He could always make me laugh.
We did the decent thing.
This war's put an end to decent things. I want to close my eyes and jump and give myself for once, hold nothing back.
We can't change what's past. Not even the war can do that.
Bless you, Mac. What would I have done without you?
You might still have a house.
I wish it could all have been different.
To Mary McDonald, Thelma Richardson, Bobo Hinds, Lily Sanderson... ...Little Sarah Whats-it, now there was a spirit. And Marjorie Anderson.
Father, that's enough now
What did I do to deserve this?
You married that fool, Clive, that's what. Never mind, you can stay with us.
What can you do with four daughters, I asked myself, A string quartet was all I could come up with. They hated me for making them learn.
It's not fair on them. It's selfish to keep them with you.
It's so far way. I couldn't bear it.
I didn't mean it like that, Grace. Why does it always come out wrong?
God, how I hate all this scrimping and squalor.
I don't know how you cope, Grace. Three kids, army pay. On your own.
Molly!
You're having me on, Molly.
Am I? Maybe I am.
You've been drinking. Your tipsy.
I'm so glad you could come. Here we are, all together again.
Whoa, thanks for stopping. I been standing out there in that toad strangling rain for like a hundred million years.
Really, that's a long time.
Yeah, most people just whiz on by like I was invisible or something... or else they're creeps who wanna jam their slimy hands down my pants and twiddle my naughty-naughty.
Yikes.
Yeah, I know where that is, it's right by my house. It's Dr. Satan's tree. I can show ya.
Really, wow, so it's really a real thing.
Yeah, it's a tree. I used to play there all the time. But, you can't find it without me. Outsider can't find no deadwood.
Deadwood, is that what it's called? Cool, will you show us?
Maybe, maybe, maybe... hey, you know what word I hate?
What?
Cone.
Huh... what cone?
Any cone, yeah... I hate that word... sounds ugly, I don't like crumple either.
I always hate saying the word cheese, every time you get your picture taken... smile, say cheese.
Oh, I know. I'll show you where it's at, sweetie. Aren't you just so cute all bundled up like a cinnamon roll of Christmas love.
The lions were totally covered in this guy's blood... I think they ate his face off, tore open his rib cage, pulled his legs off... it was a wild scene.
I agree.
Please don't kill us, please don't kill us.
Tiny's home.
What about R.J.?
Ma, Tiny's in.
I'll cut your fucking tits off and shove 'em down your throat.
Come on, ma... this bitch's got it coming.
Drink up, it's party time.
Enjoy your last night... ...where's Otis?
Who's your Daddy!
Take his gag out, it's more fun with the screaming.
Aw, I was going home to my Mamma's house... yeah, I was out doing this thing.
Where's that?
What about the tree?
Which way?
I guess I'll try to back it out on the rim... at least to the main road.
OK, whatever. Let's go get your brother's truck. Faster we get the truck, faster we get out of here.
Don't worry, I'll be right back.
How much further?
Almost there... are you in a hurry or something?
The door's locked. I'll gotta go around... wait here.
Christ, you scared the shit out of me.
Aw, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Is your brother ready to go?
Oh... yeah, he already left. We'll wait inside, come on.
He left!
So, you live here alone... I mean with just your brother?
No. There's a bunch a us 'round somewhere... I think Mamma's sleepin'. She sleeps a lot, now... do you want marshmallows?
Um, yeah sure, I guess.
Thank you.
Hey, um... ...what kind of animal is that?
A dead one.
Mmmmm, this is tasty.
Ain't the only thing tasty in this house.
I wonder what time it is. Seems kind of late.
Don't worry, sugar. It ain't past my bedtime... are you flirting with me?
What? No, I'm was worried that... I was just wondering what's taking so long.
Oh. Maybe R.J. got into a crash and killed everbody?
That's not something to joke about.
Hey, great they're back.
No! He's one of God's creatures, he can't help it if he's dumb... I'm just crazy about animals.
I'd like to see that.
Can I help you with something?
I was just wondering.
Wondering what?
Are you two gals all funny with each other?
What?
You know... a couple of queers.
Do you believe this fucking girl?
What the hell are you laughing about?
I just pictured the tire sitting in a chair watching TV.
He walks, duh.
Take that, you fucking slut! Fucking redneck whore!
You shouldn't a done that.
Why? You gonna do something about it?
You all having a Halloween party tonight?
Now, what makes you think that?
You all sure are buying a lot of holy water for two people.
Yeah, well we like to get fucked up and do fucked up shit, you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah... ...I like to fuck shit up.
I'll bet you do... how much we owe ya... ...Goober?
Actually it's G. Ober... Gerry Ober, but the guys drew in the other O, fucking assholes.
Great story Goober, how much?
Keep the change and get yourself a new name.
Come on, bro. Let's go.
What's this?
How long have you been running this place?
No, really.
Shit, I don't remember exactly. I took over for my Pa just after the Duke nabbed the Oscar.
The Duke?
Yeah, my Pa wasn't right in the head after that.
You mean John Wayne?
Hell, boy there some other Duke you know about? A great American.
Yeah, I was never that big of a western fan. I like science fiction.
I figured that much. Why the fuck you asking so many jackass questions for?
You see me and my friends are writing a book on offbeat roadside attractions. You know all the crazy shit you see when you drive cross country.
I don't drive cross country.
But if you did.
I don't.
But suppose for a second you did.
Y'all find us country people real funny like don't ya... well, God damn pack up the mule and sling me some grits, I'ze a gotta get me some schooling.
No, no I think it's really interesting.
Really? Huh, I thought for sure you'd say Lynette Fromme. She's got that snooty vibe I know you dig.
Sqeaky! No way, she ain't that hot.
She's pretty cute.
Yeah but, she reminds me of this chick that I remember from fourth grade... called a... shit, what did we call her? Oh yeah, Patty Pee-pee Pants... when ever she got called on by Miss Chumski, this chick would piss in her pants and start bawling.
There always one kid with no bodily controls. We had this dude, Jeff Baxter, he was a puker. The fucker would just sit there puke all over himself.
Better than pissing... anyway so, what's your choice?
If we're talking cute... like regular cute, I'd say Leslie Van Houton, but cute ain't hot.
Yeah, no shit.
As far a hot... goes I gotta go with... Ruth Ann Moorehouse.
Oh yeah, I forgot about her. She was pretty hot.
Fuck yeah, she is. I'd join a cult to get some of that... and the best part is she didn't try to kill the President or nothing, so that baggage ain't hanging around.
I thought she tried to murder a witness for the prosecution.
I'll let it slide, she was only seventeen.
Dude, talk about baggage, that ain't no carry-on shit, that's some heavy duty Samsonite shit.
Yeah, I guess... hot chicks are always nuts.
Hold on, I've heard this before... but I can't remember the end.
So, the guy goes to Hell and the devil says, "do you smoke?" The guy say, "yeah"... the devil say, "great cause Tuesday is cigar night, sweetest Cuban cigars you ever had."
Shit, we really need to find some gas.
Then the devil asks, "do you drink?" Guy says, "yeah"... devil say, "wonderful, Wednesday is free drinks night, best booze you ever had... all made from the finest stuff."
Yeah.
Then the devil says, "are you gay?" Guy says, "fuck no"... Devil says, "Well then, I guess you're gonna hate Thursdays."
Oh yeah, I remember now.
Yeah, no shit I just told ya. Hey, you think this place called Alien Ed's UFO Welcoming Center is still around? It says, "Where the Fact is separated from the Fantasy."
I dunno... we'll ask around as we get closer. Man, I really don't want to run out of gas out here in the middle of Petticoat Junction, man.
Don't panic yourself, way too much caffeine guy... I see a sign. Captain Spaulding's Museum of Madmen and Monsters... cool. Also... fried chicken and... gasoline... next exit.
Perfect.
I'll pump the gas. Go inside and see if it's worth thinking about.
Holy crap. You gotta see this place. It's awesome.
How awesome?
Really fucking awesome.
Wake up the chicks and bust out the camera awesome?
Keep straight on this road here.
How much further?
I'm not exactly sure... it looks close. Did we pass an abandoned school bus yet?
Come on, we need something like this. It could be the real deal. It's too far out of the way to come back to.
It's a hitchhiker.
She looks like she stinks.
That reminds me of a film I saw once of a guy who got out of his car at Lion Country Safari to take a picture of a lion cub and got eaten by the lions.
Oh yeah, I heard about that. I always thought it was bullshit.
What was that?
OK, let's relax. I'll check it, maybe I'm wrong. Don't everybody freak out just yet.
I'll help ya.
I hope you fixed the spare like I asked ya.
Yeah, I fixed it. Well, I ain't... um, I can't remember. I think I took it out to fit the bags and forgot to put it back.
Jesus Christ, Jerry.
Well, technically I did what ya said.
Tire's fucking gone crap on us, man. There's no saving it now.
Don't forget the flashlight, it's pretty dark out there.
Thanks.
Oh, don't worry she didn't get offended by what I said. You two got to lighten up... right, Bill?
Whatever, at this point all I care about is food. I'm starving and I got a fucking killer headache.
Hey, I asked you if you wanted some chicken.
Didn't look like chicken to me, more like fried pussy cat.
I can't believe what I'm seeing.
Almost there.
I like sleep.
Honk at him. Scare him.
Fuck! We are fucked!
Yeah, maybe R.J. could just tow us and our car to the nearest garage.
What's he so excited about?
Just grin and bear it.
Shit, I'm all for being a sport, but this is ridiculous.
Yeah, I'd say at this point all we can do is just wait it out. There's nothing else.
Don't look back, just get in the car.
We'll need pictures of the inside too.
Well, don't even think about playing the good samaritan, there's way too many psychos wandering loose these days.
Should we stop?
We can't leave her out here in the rain... maybe we can just drop her at the next rest area.
Sounds like a magical trip through the heartland.
Why are we stopping?
Go around him.
There's not enough room.
Hey, he moved.
Well, I got some bad news and some bad news.
Fine. I'll go straight.
What!
Forget it. I'll just go.
Screw that, no way, I ain't letting you go by yourself.
I hope to Christ she doesn't expect us to wear these things.
Check this out.
This is starting to make me real uncomfortable.
How much is a person supposed to stand?
Quiet.
What are you doing!
I gotta open the gate.
Drive through it!
Officers, officers what can I do for you today? I ain't fried up the birds yet... if that's what you're ring a ding dinging about.
What I need are some answers.
Well, I'll try but I don't know nothing 'bout nobody. I'm a guy who likes to mind his own business, if ya get what I'm saying.
Come on, get with the facts.
Hmmmmmmmmm?
What'd you see, who was she with, where were they going?
And...
And I gave 'em directions out there, up by the old farm row... I figured what's the harm. Stupid kids probably going out to piss up a rope and got themselves turned around backasswards and got lost as shit.
Is that all... think real hard.
Yeah, they weren't here but a few minutes, didn't really have time to get as up close and personal as I do with most of the assholes that wander through here.
How's about you give me those same directions.
Yeah, yeah, sure. You don't have to get all True Grit all over my ass... I'll give'm to ya... you can knock yourself silly for all I care.
I... I got back a stack today. Some nice shots. See, a good topless June Wilkinson... unfortunately she personalized it... to Stucky, love June.
Hmmmmm.
Shit, this ain't worth nothing now that my name gotten all over it. I was a fixin' on trading it to Jackie Cobb.
The retard over at Molly's fruit stand.
Fascinating.
That kid is one horny retard.
Christ, ain't they all. All them retards wanna do is fuck and eat.
Well, yeah... I think that if you knew him... I mean if you'd understand his urges, shit the guy's like forty or something.
Worse than a fucking rabid baboon.
Yeah, I guess, you know next to wacking his weasel his other favorite thing is twisting sharpened pencils in the corner of his eyes.
What?
Yeah, doesn't hurt himself, just spins it around next to his eyeball.
I'm sure that ain't the only place he's sticking those pencils.
Naw, he don't do anything else with 'em, but he did get caught once with a Planet of the Apes doll hanging out his asshole.
Goddamn.
Had to take him to the hospital. Kid had Dr. Zaius stuck half way up his butt, couldn't get it out.
I always loved that mute broad that Chuck Heston was shacking up with.
Nova, yeah she looked pretty sweet.
Yeah, now there's the perfect woman.
Ya hear me? You bust that crapper and I'll beat your ass.
Fuck your grandmother.
Huh? Oh, hi. You really don't have a phone?
No, he's just joking. We don't really have any plans other than spending the night at my Dad's house... ...which is where we were headed when our car broke down.
That's nice.
How long is that gonna take?
Tiny ain't got no car, he ain't even got a bicycle.
You sure you don't need any help in there?
You'll have to forgive Tiny, he can't hear so much.
Oh.
Yeah, my poor baby. It's his Daddy's fault. I mean Earl was a good man... I mean he never hit me or nothing, but one day he just got up and went pure devil on us all.
What happened? Oh, I'm sorry, it's none of my business.
Huh?
Great, you're back. Let's go. We already paid for the tickets.
Tickets for what?
This isn't everything. Get ready for this... there's a Museum of Murder and Mayhem.
Aw, come on. It will be fun.
Ugh, what's that smell?
Hey, maybe she knows where this is?
Fuck, it's freezing.
Hey, listen to this... I think this is related to our Dr. Satan.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, in this book there's a chapter called Self Made Freaks about how people would mutilate themselves in order to work in a freak show. It mostly talks about tattooed people and wild men of Borneo and shit like that, but there is one mention of a single case where a woman was suspected of having her arms removed on purpose to become an
Yeah, so how does that fit with the story of four morons with a flat tire looking for a dead tree?
It says, "records show that Ellie Thompson was born in 1914 of normal physical stature and lived a life of normal bearings, until such time that she was placed in the care of the Willows State Mental Facility."
So.
Now she was put in the nuthouse in 1930 at the age of 16.
Why?
Blah, blah, blah... it doesn't say, but she was released sometime in 1937, only to reappear as Ellie Bogdan, the arm-less wonder. Says she, "criss-crossed the United States constantly in carnivals and freak shows until her death in 1946."
Yeah?
These dates perfectly correspond with the time frame of our beloved Dr. Satan working at the looney bin. I'll bet he amputated her arms.
So what?
I don't know, I just thought it was interesting.
You know what Jerry, who really cares at this point?
Yeah, Jerry, she said some pretty fucked shit to us.
When?
Hey, nice outfit Billy Bob.
Thanks for coming to get us. Little brother almost scared us to death.
Thank you.
Really, now is not the time to make waves.
Hey, I'm just waiting for Cousin Itt to show up.
What are you laughing at?
I don't know, I think he's funny.
You gotta be kidding me. This chick is wasted.
We've got get out of here, we got get out of here.
Think, think. Try to open the lid, try to kick a hole in the wood.
I can't... I can't move my arms. I hurt so much.
That was good babe, just keep doing that.
That's not me. I didn't... I'm not doing that.
Someone is out there... ...help, we're in here!
Hello... ...hey Denise... what, what's wrong, did you break down?
No, nothing like that... yeah, we're gonna be a little late. We stopped for gas at this place called Capt. Spaulding's outside of Ruggsville and it turned into a whole thing, so we're kind of behind schedule.
Oh yeah, yeah I've driven by that place before. I seem to remember a crabby old bastard in a crummy clown suit running the place.
Yeah, well he's still here. I think him and Jerry are fast becoming buddies, you know Jerry... yeah, he's gotta see everything... yeah, I know... thinks there's some unsolved mystery around every corner.
Well, don't take too long, the kids are already knocking down the door demanding their sugar fix... I know, I know I forgot to mention that Halloween falls on a school night, so they're trick or treating tonight... I got the joint decked out this year, built a graveyard in the front yard like when you were a kid.
Hopefully I can move things along here and make up the lost time by speeding all the way home... yes, Dad I'm kidding.
Come on sleeping beauty, time to go to work.
Sleeping.
Rise and shine.
No please, let me sit this one out.
Let's go. You're the one who wanted to be a photographer.
I resign.
Too late. You're in for life, let's move it out Private Shutterbug.
Christ, I hope this isn't more crappy folk art. It's so quaint... it's so primal... it's so crap.
Aw, it ain't crap... it's... cute. ...and really who are we to judge the artistic merit of the tin-can Mona Lisa?
I swear I've aged five years since this trip started.
Tell me about it.
God, I hate falling asleep in the afternoon. Now I'll be up all night... ...ugh, my back is killing me.
It will be nice to have a few days off to regenerate. This trip is fun, but it's starting to get brutal.
Yeah, I hit burn out mode back at that old stripper lady's place. Watching her dance around with those ratty-looking animals was ridiculous.
I know, that was some crazy shit. I never in a million years would have believed it if I hadn't seen it.
A decent meal every once in a while wouldn't hurt either, this road food is crap.
If I never eat at another Waffle House again, I can die a happy girl.
Scattered, smothered and covered.
Geez, he never gets tired does he.
Never. I swear to God he never sleeps, he goes to bed after me, wakes up before me. He's always working on 10.
Let's just skip it. It is probably nothing anyway.
Stick her in the front, if you want to pick her up so bad. She's soaked.
Don't even say it.
You got to be fucking joking.
I think I'm going fucking crazy.
She said we look like pussy lickers or some shit like that.
How long has it been?
What was that?
What? I didn't hear anything.
I don't hear anything.
Shhhhhh, quiet.
I still don't.
Jesus Christ.
Excuse me, may I please use your phone?
A couple hours!
Don't be such a fucking smart ass.
What'd we here, Georgie?
A vehicle registered to a William S. Hudley.
Holy Jesus, somebody had themselves a field day beating the shit outta this thing.
Yeah, no mercy here.
Recover any bodies?
Not yet.
Shit, I wonder what these kids did to bring this much hell down on 'em.
Just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
That's the understatement of the year.
God damn.
You find something, Georgie?
What'd ya got there?
Keys.
Well Christ boy, don't stand there like a prize dog dick with his butthole caught up a tree.
Huh?
Open up the trunk.
Hey, maybe the guy with the tow truck could drive us to a phone.
His name is Rufus, Rufus Jr., but we all call him R.J.
Oh, right.
What do they call you, sweety?
So, what brings you kids way out here, ain't you got something better to do for Halloween than wander around out here in the sticks?
Well, I thought I'd maybe take in a hoedown.
Oh, really... ...well, I'm a pretty good dancer if you know what I mean... I bet I got a few moves you ain't never seen.
And I'm gonna help put the razor blades in the candy apples.
I'll bet you are... you are a naughty little thing aren't ya.
Great. I thought I felt a certain attraction between Mary and Tiny soon as he walked in.
Maybe. He's a real lady killer.
I've been meaning to ask you, Mrs... Ummmm.
Firefly.
For the show. It's Halloween eve and time for our show.
Oh, you mean on TV.
No, no, no it's so much more special than that... you'll see, you'll be the first to ever see. I think this is something you'll really love.
Bye sweety, we could of been great together.
Please, let us go, we won't tell anybody.
I'm gonna go ask him.
Aw, come on Jerry. We've gotten all we're gonna get out of this place and its starting to rain.
We hit the jackpot! Let's roll, good buddy. We got ourselves a convoy.
Just back up.
I'll go. It's my fault.
God damn it, I must be fucking crazy to let him go off with that crazy fucking bitch.
Huh?
That stupid hillbilly slut.
Oh, don't blow everything out of proportion.
Hold on, hold on! Everybody calm down! It's the tow truck guy.
OK lassies, I think it's time you get to gripping reality.
This is way too fucked up for words.
I'm with Denise, can't we just walk to someplace, this is getting fucking stupid.
Oh, I get it... I guess you think you're too good for the simple pleasures of Halloween.
No, just a little too old.
I know you're my guests and welcome but I'd please advise you to keep from cussing while in my house, thank you.
Sorry.
I suggest you kids leave now.
Why? Why are you doing this?
Doing what? Messy up your day? Well, fuck lady there are some bigger issues at hand... than your fucking have a nice fucking day bumper sticker shit!
Where's Bill?
Where is he?
Behold... The Fish-Boy!
This can't be real, this can't be real, this can't be real.
Fuck you, you fucking freak!
What are you doing? ...no, stop... please, please.
Well hello, officer.
Excuse me, I'm sorry for disturbing you this fine afternoon.
Aw, you ain't disturbing me, but it kind of looks like rain, don't ya think?
My name is Lt. Wydell, I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Questions? Well, heck, I'll tell you anything you want to know.
I appreciate your cooperation. I'm looking for a missing girl... ...this girl here, Denise Willis... have you seen her?
Please, could I please come in and talk to you for a minute? Maybe you could take a better look at the picture... might stir up something.
I um... no, I don't think so...
Please, just a minute.
Thank you.
Think... do any of these kids look familiar in any way?
Grampa... watch the language.
Otis! Otis! Come quick, there's cops outside.
I don't know. I only saw one.
I'm sure there's more than that... fucking pigs always travel in packs... ...here, take this.
What should I do?
I'm the one who brings the devil's brandy...
Who's your Daddy!
Get in... now!
That's true, Otis... not that we're having a bad time, but...
Hey.
Local girl, Karen Murphy, been missing for a couple months, figured for a runaway.
Fit the profile?
Christ, four kids couldn't just disappear.
No they couldn't, somebody had to see something.
Turn up this road.
Shit, don't these packrat hillbillies throw anything away?
Yeah, I hear it... where's it coming from?
We gotta break it open.
Tell it to my daughter.
Jesus Christ.
Fuck, go to the car... call for backup. Tell 'em officer down.
Mr. Willis?
Yes, sir.
Well, we were on our way out to run a check on a couple farmhouses out on the edge of town... closest thing we got to a lead at this point.
That's it?
Well, all we know is the kids were headed out to a spot the locals call Deadwood to play Nancy Drew with some local legend about this character everybody calls Dr. Satan.
What about the body you found?
Her part in this I can't figure... but I will.
I'm sure there's a logical explanation.
Well, let's go see if the nut that runs this place can help us.
Boss, the way I see it is these kids probally stop off somewhere, bought a bunch of booze and are off getting shitfaced.
I hope you're right, but my guts are telling me different.
Your Spidey senses tingling.
Yeah... ...huh, what the hell are you talking about?
You know, your hyper sensitive Spidey senses... like Spider-man... ...you know, like in the comics.
How old do you think I am? I know who the fuck Spider-man is. Get to your point.
You know, his senses start tingling... when he was approaching danger and shit.
I always favored the Hulk.
Hulk was dumb as shit.
Aw, fuck.
Plates match.
You sure this guy's supposed to ride with us? Seems kind of weird.
Chief said pick him up and take him with us on our house to house. Guy's an ex-cop, thinks he can help.
Sounds like a bad idea to me, probally just get in the way.
Yeah, well I guess it's tough to sit on the sidelines and wait when your own kid's missing... besides, ain't no such thing as an ex-cop.
I guess not.
Yeah it's horseshit, just some boogieman crap that the kids like to scare each other with.
Don't worry, we'll find her.
I'm gonna see if anybody's home. You and Mr. Willis take a look around the grounds for any sign of anything.
Wydell.
Over.
And furthermore... Tell him, Harold.
That is the wrong fork, young man. Harold, tell the boy.
Harold! Tell the boy again.
No "buts." Go to your room now.
And?
Tell him, Harold.
Tell him, Harold.
Lila, what are you doing in there? I need to get ready for my date.
I don't know why you didn't tell me about this.
It's embarrassing, okay?
It's not so bad. So, it just keeps growing?
Yeah, Natalie. It's hair. It grows.
Well, don't jump down my throat. I'm just trying to help.
How is that helping, Natalie? How exactly?
Look, if you're going to be like that... You should be appreciative that I'm interested.
Why, because I'm a freak and you are beautiful, and you are being nice enough to come down to my freak, nonbeautiful level and act concerned about my repulsive troubles?
Hello, my little boy.
Hey, ma. Did you bring any clothes? I'm freezing my ass off.
Oui. Nathan's silk suit, just like you asked.
Say my name.
Gabrielle.
You remind me so much of Nathan.
Like father, like son.
You remind me so much of Nathan plus so much of my little mongrel doggie.
As much as I loved Nathan, I'm not sorry she killed him, if it means I can have you. Is that a terrible thing to say, my sweet?
Let's go eat, I'm starved.
French?
Only three shocks. A chimp takes fifteen. This is going to be tres simple, no, Gabrielle?
Oui, doctor, oui.
Good morning... We need a name for him, don't we?
Oui.
You decide. Today is your day.
Really? My day? Well, I had a sweet little mongrel puppie named Puff when I was a girl. This one reminds me of my dog, all shaggy! So cute! I loved my doggie very much, monsieur.
Puff it is then. Puff Bronfman. Is that okay?
Oui. Perfect!
Oh, Hi, Gabrielle.
No. Don't be. I really enjoy hearing that. You're a terrific assistant.
Merci. I... Do you... would you like to go get a cup of coffee, perhaps?
Well, I don't know. I'm actually on my way to...
Now I am truly embarrassed. Forgive me. I should not have asked such a stupid question. I know you are a very important man and...
No. Don't be silly. It's just...
Thank you so much for accompanying me.
Not at all.
I have had such a difficult time in my personal life and you seem to be such a nice man... but I'm talking too much again, no?
Of course not.
Listen, you're the best assistant I've ever had... Gabrielle.
Oh, Doctor. I did not know. I'm sorry to disturb you. I just came for some papers I left.
Gabrielle. No, I'm sorry if I startled you. I came to think. God, Did I hang up on you?
Oui. Perhaps I called at a bad time. I am sorry.
No. I just got distracted. I'm so sorry.
Is everything fine?
Oui. Now you've got me talking French.
I was in my p.j.'s when I remembered I left some papers I need to go over. See? I rushed right out of the house. I must look a mess. I'm so embarrassed.
Coincidence, yes? And how is our son?
Our...? Oh! He seems fine. I guess we woke him. The lights and all.
I should turn them off. Maybe I sing him a lullaby my mama sang to me when I was a little girl.
When you were a little French girl?
Oui.
Shall we close up, then?
Maybe we should just sit for a while. It's very peaceful.
It's nice, yes. I'm glad I ran into you, both in our silly pajamas. It is two happy coincidences, no?
Yes. Happy happy.
Yet you look so sad. A great man like you should not be sad.
I am sleepy.
I shouldn't say this, but you're pretty, Gabrielle. It's unprofessional, I know.
Really? I always think myself so ugly. No, not ugly, but plain. A wallflower.
Really? No. Not at all. You're a very pretty girl. You should know that. You should be confident.
Thank you so much. Merci. It's very wonderful to hear a man say such a nice compliment.
It's true. I wouldn't lie.
So soft. So smooth. I'm sorry. It's just...
What is wrong, my darling?
Dr. Bronfman's line. Yes. One moment please. Lila.
Yeah. Okay. Be home around seven. Bye. What? I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do?
I don't know, Nathan. What are you supposed to do?
You don't abandon somebody because they have a physical problem.
Isn't Puff doing spectacularly, honey?
Hmmmph.
Gabby, what is it?
Hmmph. Hmmph. Nathan, we have to talk, you and I.
Fine.
Not in front of the boy.
My little French.
Stop. Get away.
What is it?
You have to choose Nathan. It's like Sophie's choice. Only it is Nathan's choice. Did you ever see that movie, Sophie's Choice? It is like that. Only it is this.
Gabby, you know I'm trying to sort things out.
I love you so much, Gabrielle.
But?... But? There is a "but," Nathan.
You were wonderful today, darling. Such authority with the ape-man boy. It made me so hot for you.
Unnhh.
The way you are taming him, it sends chills down my girlish spine and... everywhere else, too.
Urgh.
Yeah? What?
Call you back. You bastard! What do you want?
I just want to talk.
Please. Just one minute of your time.
Why? You've made your decision, Mister Stinky American! Now I hate you! No, I don't hate you; I don't even think about you!
Like what?
Well, I think it would be easier if I could talk to you in person.
Well, I think...
You think too much. I need a man who doesn't think so much but acts more than he thinks... is what I need!
What?
You heard me! You make me sick when you pretend to not understand what I am saying to you! Go away from here!
Well?
God, you're beautiful.
Please. I look a mess.
No. You look so beautiful.
Anyway. Come already to the point.
I'm... I'm going to leave Lila. I can't stop thinking about you.
I've moved on.
No!
I've been seeing Johannsen in chemistry.
That goddamn Neanderthal? I'm the one who gave him the idea for the combination bug spray-sun screen! Did you know that?!
That's not how he tells it.
Of course not, that Swedish thief! He's a thief of hearts! I love you, Gabrielle.
Hunh.
Just give me some time to let Lila down easily. She's a really nice girl and I don't want to hurt her more than is necessary.
You were wonderful!
Was I? I wasn't a tad stiff?
So we've got seventeen new bookings for speaking engagements, my wonderful men.
Lila?
A penny for your thoughts, mon cheri.
Yes, please, somebody ask him what is wrong.
I want our boy back.
Oui.
That bitch. I worked so hard. We worked so hard, you and I. He would've made us famous.
We still have you and I.
I know. And that's great. But it would be great in a better way, not a better way but a different way, if I could find him and bring him back.
Where do we look for little lost Puff?
I have some thoughts. I think that hairy bitch is somewhere trying to turn him back into an ape.
That is horrible. Apes are dirty. No?
I'm going alone. This could be dangerous.
Okay, my sweet. Good night.
A little resistance would be nice, damn it.
Please let me go with you.
No.
My apologies, madam.
It's okay, Puff.
It shan't happen again. I swear it. I'm just getting my sea legs, you know.
Very well.
We're going back to nature, you and I. I'm going to retrain you. I'm going to make you free again if I have to kill you doing it.
You what?
I want to be the way I was before.
Nice night.
You'll thank me eventually, Puff. Well, you won't thank me, because we won't be speaking, but you'll sort of thank me with a special look, the look a dog gives you to let you know he loves you.
He's dead.
We bury the body. We disappear into the woods. Nobody knows.
No. This is the end of the road. There's a dead human being here. For all of his faults, he was a human being, and certainly a victim of his culture as much as anybody.
Forget him, Lila. We'll disappear. We'll never talk about it again. We'll never talk again period. I love you.
Puff, what happened to you is as much my fault as Nathan's. Maybe more so, because I knew it was wrong and I went along with it anyway. I'm taking responsibility for the murder. I want you to go back to your old life.
I won't let you do that. I shot the bastard. And I'm glad.
No. Go back to the woods. This is a sacrifice I need to make. In my world we have something called penance. It's another abstraction, but I had the concept drummed into my head during my years in the convent. It doesn't exist for you, and it shouldn't. See, I could never be free again anyway, so I might as well be in jail.
Then I'll live for both of us, Lila. I'll be the most free, truest animal in the whole forest. For both of us.
That's what I'm counting on.
But first I'll live among them, just long enough to testify before congress about the waywardness of humankind.
Progress!
Ouch. Yeah?
Oh yes, honey. Getting to be smooth smooth smooth all over. Smooth as a baby's butt.
I love it, Rose. I'm getting to be a real girl.
You still in the market for a real boy?
Always. Ow.
Cause there's this guy. My brother knows him. Might be right up your alley.
Tell me. I could use someone up my alley.
I don't get that. Is that sexual?
Shut up and tell me.
Handsome, thirties, psychologist...
Loves animals? Ouch. Must love animals, Rose.
Loves animals. Loves you.
What do you mean?
Somehow it came up that you were a friend of mine. Mr. handsome, animal- loving psychologist said he would love to meet you.
Holy shit. Your brother didn't tell him about the nature of our relationship, did he?
My brother is discreet.
Won't he be able to tell?
My brother says the guy's a thirty- five year old virgin, so maybe he won't know how women usually feel. Plus he's got bad eyesight, almost legally blind, which is helpful in this situation. Plus he's got an extremely small penis, of which he is "mortifyingly ashamed", so chances are he'll be so grateful for any non- judgmental attention, that he'll be yours forever.
God, he must be really close to your brother to tell him such personal stuff.
So?
I really like him, Rose. He's so... ...passionate about his work.
My brother says he likes you, too.
Really?
My brother says things are going really well between you and Nathan.
I cannot believe how in love I am with this man.
Yeah?
He's so cute. I even like his cute little penis. It's like a little pig's penis or something. Rose, we connect on every level. I've finally found someone I can feel completely safe with.
Don't throw that away. I had that once with a guy. But I threw it away for a cheap thrill.
One night stand?
No. I married a midget.
Marrying a midget was a cheap thrill?
Well he wasn't really a midget. He was on the cusp of midgethood. That's what made it cheap. Had he been an actual midget, there would've been nothing cheap about it, my dear.
I didn't know you were into that sort of thing.
Let me tell you, honey, midgets are the best kept secret in male companionship. They're portable. They're controllable. They're eager. And they're exactly the right height for a little covert oral fun on the dance floor.
I have a friend you might like to meet.
Oh?
Three foot one.
Be still my crotch.
Rose, Nathan's no midget, but he's asked me to move in with him.
Yeah. My brother told me.
And I think I'm going to.
No maid service! For God's sake, can't you read the fucking "do not disturb" sign on the fucking doorknob?
Lila, it's Rosie.
Go the fuck away, Rosie.
Please, honey, let me in.
Rose, please go away.
How'd you know where I was?
Nathan told my brother.
Your brother should have his license revoked.
Yeah, although I'm not going to turn him in. I like hearing the dirt.
I don't know, honey. I don't know. Maybe he just didn't want to get involved.
Oh, Rosie.
Done!
Uh, tie them up, Rosie. If you will.
I'm going to miss you.
Oh, Rosie.
And I'm going to miss the lifestyle having you as a client has afforded me.
I like you so much, with or without hair. But don't spread that around. Bad for business.
I'll be in touch.
Meditations on a Banana Slug was a delightful read.
Thank you so much. I love slugs. All slugs, not just banana slugs.
As do I.
They're so even keel. They forge ahead with slow determination. They don't get distracted or side-tracked. They don't care what they look like. They don't care that people look at them and go, "Ewww. A slug."
They don't seem to be especially ego driven, this is true.
You've got to respect that.
I have to say that I'm not there yet.
Where?
Slugdom. Sluggishness. Whatever you'd call it. I'm not there yet. I still have many human characteristics.
That's not necessarily a bad thing.
Yes. I suppose not. But still. One would like to move along. To move beyond.
I'm not sure we can escape our natures. Believe me I've tried. I'm not even so sure anymore that we should want to.
I love that you said that. It makes me feel a bit lighter. I've been rather heavy lately. Thinking about my childhood. Realizing how much a product I am of my upbringing. I've been seeing someone. A therapist.
You are a therapist, right?
No no. I'm a psychologist, but I do research. I'm a behaviorist. I work with animals. Mice at the moment.
I hope you don't perform any of those dreadful torture experiments, Nathan.
Heavens no. My work now is... Right now I'm teaching mice... well, table manners, to be candid.
How's it going?
Quite well, really. It's a lot of work. A lot of reinforcement, mostly positive. Right now I've gotten two of my subjects to use napkins. Tiny napkins of course.
Paper or cloth?
I hope you don't think me daft. It's important work. It's part of a larger sociological experiment. I'm federally funded.
What's the larger experiment?
It's my thesis that if table manners can be taught to mice, they can be taught to humans.
Going out on a limb, aren't you, Nathan?
The truth is most people don't have table manners today. And when the foundations of civilized society crumble and disappear, civilized society in its entirely follows closely at its heels.
I'm not sure.
Courtesy, decorum, manners, are all sadly lacking from our daily intercourse. Rudeness, vulgarity, meanness are the norm.
We are animals after all.
It looks wonderful.
Um-mmm. Oh Nathan, this salad is delish...
My God! The fork! The fork!
I'm sorry?
Tell her, Harold... It's just that... It's nothing. It's just that the outside fork is the salad fork. One goes from the outside in as the dinner progresses.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Nathan. I never really learned those things.
Boy, this is good!
I'm sorry that I became so upset.
No, I'm sorry. I'm really backward in certain areas.
It's only that I really enjoy your company and...
You do?
Yes, and...
You really enjoy my company?
It's just that I have some peculiarities, and...
I like you, too, Nathan.
You do?
Yeah But I have some peculiarities also.
Actually, Mother and Father, you look very, very old. You look terrible.
What are you doing in there?
I'll be out in a minute.
I'm sorry about my parents.
You didn't seem sorry when you were laughing at all your mother's stupid, tasteless, cruel animal jokes.
I was simply attempting to keep the evening light. You know that I feel similarly to you about nature.
Do you?
Do you? Oh do you, darling?
Oh, darling. I'm so relieved. Let's celebrate with a long hike in the woods tomorrow!
It'll be wonderful! I'll show you my old stomping grounds!
Shaving cream?
Darling, did you bring the insect repellent lotion?
Yes, darling.
Oh, and the sun block?
Of course.
What SPF, sweetie?
Fifteen.
Perfectomundo! We are ready! Say, wouldn't it be wonderful to have an insect repellent lotion that also worked as a sun block? Think of all the time one would save.
Yes, darling.
I think I'll get Johannsen in chemistry on that. Oh! Did you bring the first aid kit?
Yes.
Flares?
Absolutely.
We could call it "Quit Bugging Me, Sunny." Get it? Sunny. S-u-n-n-y.
That's very funny.
Did you see that?
What?
I don't know. Something.
A deer?
No. Too... upright. Might've been a person.
Come on.
You'll catch cold. It's cold. What do you suppose he is, a survivalist?
I think he's feral.
Feral? Don't touch him! He might be diseased! He might... My God, rabies!
He looks perfectly fine.
I think we should go. Please. Before he wakes up and, I don't know, eats us, or whatever feral things do.
I don't understand you. This is fascinating and you just want to run away. I mean, here we have a human being totally uncontaminated by civilization, totally free, and all you want to do is run back to your...
Actually, I just had an amusing thought.
What?
Feral, huh? Totally uncontaminated?
Look at him. He doesn't understand English. He moves like an animal.
It's perfect!
Nathan, what the hell are you talking about?
Forget mice! Actually forget guinea pigs, cats, monkeys, and chimps also. I'm on to stage five: The human subject.
Oh no. You can't take him from his home, Nathan.
Don't you see? He's my Tabula Rasa, my Eliza Dolittle. He's my ticket to the top of the Behaviorist food chain. He's going to make me famous.
I won't allow you. It's wrong. He's happy here.
Is he, Lila? Is he happy living filthy and naked alone in this tick infested wilderness? Never to know the love of a good woman, never to revel in the pitter-patter of little feet, never to read Moby Dick, or marvel at a Monet, or just sit back after a day of hard but rewarding work, smoke a pipe, and wonder about the nature
You'd be taking away his freedom, Nathan.
...what is it that makes us human, if not the knowledge that we are indeed human? Think of this poor soul's education as the greatest gift we could bestow upon...
All right.
What are you doing in there?
Who is it?
Who is it?
Who from work?
It's hormonal, Nathan. I can't help it. I'm sorry.
Your entire body?
I'm getting electrolysis. It's working, but it takes time. So meanwhile I have to...
You have to shave? Like an ape?
Apes don't shave, you son of a bitch!
Don't quibble. You know what I mean.
I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me for this.
Mad? I'm I'm... disgusted!
I'm the same person I was before you knew, damn it! Oh God!
Was that okay? I mean, was I able to... satisfy you?
You are an animal.
Really? Wow! That's that's terrific to hear from someone so... feminine, so female.
I love being female because it, how do you say, allows me to be close to men.
So, how's it going today?
Good. Making progress.
Everything's fine, honey. We don't need to talk. Besides I have to work late.
Are you seeing somebody else, Nathan? I just have to know.
Of course not.
It would just be helpful to know.
No.
Because, you know, you seem so distant. And you work late every night. And we hardly ever have sex, and when we do, it's... I don't know. It feels different.
I'm just preoccupied.
Do you like my new look?
Yeah. It's nice. It's really good.
I'm trying, you know. I'm trying to be what you want. I want to be what you want, Nathan. All I want is to be what you want.
Shh. It's okay. It's okay, Lila. You're what I want. You know that. You're exactly what I want.
Really?
Sure. Of course.
Because I'm really trying, you know. Rosie says maybe only another two years of the elctrolysis.
That's great.
That's great. It's a great color for you.
Oh! I didn't see you there, sneaky boy! You're like a boy sneaking in...
...the back door of a movie theater. Yes, indeed.
You remember that from my book? I'm touched! What's wrong?
Nothing. Hard day. Gonna have a drink.
How's work?
Cruddy, okay? Are you satisfied?
No. I don't want your work to be cruddy.
My assistant quit today. Okay? He was highly valuable to the project.
Oh, baby. I'm sorry. Can't you hire somebody else?
Hey! I could come work for you! I know I haven't been all that supportive of this project, but I've come around.
Have you?
Oh yes, baby! I think that this is a wonderful project you're doing, taking this poor unfortunate, uncivilized creature and turning him into a human being! What a wonderful wonderful compassionate man you are!
Really?
Yes! And I want to help. You won't have to pay me, and I was thinking of giving up that crazy nature writing anyway.
How come?
Who needs it? I have you and I have being a woman and I have thinking about womanly things! I love being a woman because...
Such as what womanly things?
Such as my man and how to please him! Such as making wonderful dinners for my man! Such as looking pretty for my man! And I'm writing an article on quilting for the Ladies Home Journal!
I had sold my fucking soul.
Bravo to you, Puff!
I think he's ready.
You just have to control it. We're not apes.
Puff, I'm proud of you! You did remarkably well under difficult circumstances.
I'm going to go down and check on Puff. See how he's holding up.
Should I come with?
Nah. You just relax. How's the book?
You were gone a long time.
Yeah. Puff and I got into a big, philosophical discussion. He's really quite well read, considering he's only been literate for a month now. He's going to make us famous, Lila.
So he's doing okay?
Seemed fine. Quiet evening enjoying his new digs.
That's funny because, you know, I just went and picked him up at some flophouse on the lower eastside. He called here when he ran out of his "mad" money after spending an entire evening drinking, watching strippers, and fucking a whore! Oh, and what did you do tonight, honey?
Shit.
And what did you do tonight, honey?
I've fallen in love with somebody else, Lila.
And what did you do tonight, honey?
I fucked her! Okay? I fucked her. I'm sorry. But that's what the hell I did.
Do you know what I gave up to be with you?
Yes.
I gave up my soul, my beliefs. I gave up my body hair!
Yeah, well, I'm sorry. The human heart is a strange thing.
How the hell would you know anything about the human heart?
Shut up! Yeah, this is Lila, cunt. And don't let the hirsutism fool you. I know more about being a woman, and more about the black hearts of men than you, in your pretty little powdered, bullshit fantasy world, can ever imagine. I know the darkness and cruelty of nature, sweetie pie.
Lila, you don't intend to hurt us, do you?
Aha! Finally. I've covered almost the entire seaboard and parts of eastern Ohio.
Look at you two. You both disgust me.
Oook. Oook.
Shut up! I gave you... life. I created you in my image, Puff. I took you from this primordial ooze and brought you into the world of culture and art and manners. And this is how you repay me? By heading back to the ooze first chance you get? I should leave you here with Lila the ape woman. It would serve you right,
Ooka.
Good-eve-n-ing-lay-dees-and-gent- elmen.
Oh boy!
Now, Puff, we're leaving on the electronic collar. I don't think we'll need to shock you, but just in case.
This is great, Puff. You're doing fine.
I don't think this aversion therapy is really necessary, doctor. I understand the problem.
Humor me, Puff. It's essential that I am able to trust you to function independently in the world.
I bow to your expertise in these matters.
Excellent work, Puff. Extra desert tonight.
Yahoo!
Did I? I tried so hard! I really concentrated! Oh, I'm so happy!
And because you did so well, we have a little surprise for you.
Extra dessert?
Free to come and go as you please. There's some "mad money" in the night table drawer.
It's wonderful! Do you think I'm ready? Do you really?
I trust that you'll make good, mature decisions. I trust that you'll do the proper thing.
Oh, I will! Your very trust has instilled an enormous sense of responsibility in me. I don't want to disappoint you.
Good. Remember, when in doubt: Don't ever do what you really want to do.
Puff, why don't you say a few words to the assemblage.
Thanks to you, Nate.
And of course to you, my sweet, for your... moral support.
Interesting.
Ugnh.
Oh please, is that as articulate as you can be after all the time I spent teaching you? We've discussed Wittgenstein, for Christ's sake. Not that you ever had anything very original or challenging to say on the subject.
Unn.
Puff, put the gun down.
Ounpoo. Ungh.
Let's be reasonable human beings here. We're all reasonable human beings, aren't we?
Unka unka unka unka unka.
Look, why don't you and Lila stay here and have your natural life. I'll just go on my way. You'll never see me again.
You did create me in your image, Nathan. Before you I was a simple, happy, complete being, in harmony with the world around me. After you I became duplicitous, cynical, angry, anal, totally out of touch with my surroundings. In a word, Nathan, I became you. Lila has reintroduced me to myself. And, incidentally, what I'm about to do, kill you, is something that
So anyway, that's the nightmare I've been having lately.
Do you suppose it has anything to do with Lila's unusually hairy body?
No, why?
Well, it seems that since Lila broached the subject of children, you've been on edge and I know you have an issue with the, uh, body hair.
Oh, I see. Yes, that's something to think about. That's very good. That's what you get the big bucks, right? Ha ha.
I just think it might be important to explore your feelings for Lila.
I love Lila. I mean, she's a wonderful person. And... she loves me! That's no small potatoes. I mean she really loves me. She's sacrificed so much to be in this relationship with me. And she's a good person. A truly good person. How rare is that in this world, eh? And how could I stop loving somebody because of a little physical imperfection,
Wait!
Yes?
Mother?
It's a pleasure to meet you, mother. But I'm an ape like dad was... And I have to go back into the woods now... forever.
Yes, I suppose so. I suppose I knew that was going to be what you would say. It's good to see you again though.
Yes.
I'm in the book, if you ever want to drop me a line or something.
Boys just passing through?
Yep.
Pittsburgh?
Mm hmm.
Comin' in or goin' out?
Goin' in. We got a sales convention. Gotta be there tomorrow.
Thanks. Sure is a hot day for driving. Late afternoon is better. You guys have plenty of time. Make Pittsburgh in two, maybe three hours.
About sixty, seventy bucks.
Give me some bourbon. J. T. S. Brown.
You want a chaser?
Hey, another one for me and another one for the lady.
Check!
Give me a bottle of beer.
Huh?
You sure you going to be comfortable enough there, Miss... ah... ?
Packard. Sarah Packard.
It always takes me a little while to get a name fixed in my mind. Are you sure you don't want anything?
No, I'm fine.
You, uh, you ever been to Louisville during Derby week, Miss, ah, Packard?
I've never been to Louisville.
I'm ready.
What makes you know so much? How do you know what Eddie was thinking?
Doesn't your lighter work, Mr. Gordon?
It's all right, Eddie. I'm sure Mr. Gordon meant no offense. It was a figure of speech.
That's right, Miss Packard.
And a fact is a fact.
Oh, wait a minute, Miss Packard.
I want to talk to you.
Do we need words?
Yeah, I think we do. We could try to cut each other up. But that would be bad for everybody. Bad for me, bad for you. And worst of all, be bad for Eddie.
You know what's good for him?
To win.
For whom and for what?
For what makes the world go round. For money, and for glory.
You didn't answer my first question. For whom?
All right. Today for me, tomorrow for himself.
No, there's no tomorrow. Not with you. You own all the tomorrows because you buy them today, and you buy cheap.
You bastard.
I'll make it up to you.
How?
Are you ready for another?
In a little while. That's what you want, isn't it?
Put it on the bed. That's the way it's done, isn't it?
That's the way it's done.
And the way you're looking at me, is that the way you look at a man you've just beaten? As if you'd just taken his money, and now all you want is... his pride?
All I want's the money.
Could be.
We'll be there.
Oh, we'll start small... a hundred dollars a game.
I'm sure Mr. Felson knows what he's doing. Certainly you can afford a hundred dollars to find out.
How much?
Oh, about five hundred.
Do you really think you can beat him?
Of course he thinks he can beat me, Bert. He wouldn't be playing me if he didn't. Right, Felson?
Have you noticed, Bert? This fellow here bears a striking resemblance to you. It seems as though you might have modeled for the artist.
That seems a shame. The night is young.
Will you take a check, Bert?
Cash.
How much do I owe you?
Hey, mister.
The name's Gordon. Bert Gordon.
Stay with this kid. He's a loser.
Okay?
Make it twenty.
Cut.
Bourbon. J. T. S. Brown.
I'm buyin'.
Thought you only drank milk.
Only when I work.
Yeah? Why?
I like it. It's good for you. Besides, you start drinking whisky gambling and it gives you an excuse for losing. That's something you don't need -- an excuse for losing. How did you make out in the poker game?
I lost twenty bucks.
Poker's not your game.
What is?
Pool.
You being cute?
I don't think there's a pool player alive shoots better pool than I saw you shoot the other night at Ames. You got talent.
So I got talent. So what beat me?
Character.
Yeah. Sure, sure.
You're damned right I'm sure. Everybody's got talent. I got talent. You think you can play big-money straight pool, or poker, for forty straight hours on nothing but talent? You think they call Minnesota Fats the best in the country just 'cause he's got talent? Nah. Minnesota Fats's got more character in one finger than you got in your whole skinny body.
I got drunk.
He drank as much whisky as you did.
Maybe he knows how to drink.
You bet he knows how. You think that's a talent too, huh? Knowin' how to drink whisky? You think Minnesota Fats was born knowin' how to drink?
Okay, okay... What do I do now, lie down on the floor and, uh, bow from the ankles? What do I do, go home?
That's your problem.
Maybe by that time you'll die of old age. How much do you think you'll, uh, need?
A thousand.
No, three thousand at least. He'll start you off at five hundred a game -- he'll beat the pants off you. That's the way he plays when he comes up against a man who knows the way the game is. He'll beat you flat four or five games -- maybe more, depending on how, uh... steady your nerves are. But he might -- he
How do you know? Huh? When nobody knows that much?
See that big car parked out by the fireplug on the way in? Well, that's mine. I like that car. But I get a new one every year because I make it my business to know what guys like you and Minnesota Fats are gonna do. I made enough off of you the other night to pay for it twice over.
Eddie, is it all right if I get personal?
Whaddya been so far?
Eddie, you're a born loser.
What's that supposed to mean?
First time in ten years I ever saw Minnesota Fats hooked, really hooked. But you let him off.
I told you. I got drunk.
Sure, you got drunk. That's the best excuse in the world for losing. No trouble losing when you got a good excuse. And winning! That can be heavy on your back too. Like a monkey. You drop that load too when you got an excuse. All you gotta do is learn to feel sorry for yourself. It's one of the best indoor sports: feeling
Thanks for the drink.
Wait a minute. Maybe I can help you.
To do what?
Get the three thousand. Play Minnesota Fats again.
Why?
Ten reasons. Maybe fifteen. And also there's something in it for me.
Oh yeah, I figured that. How much?
Seventy-five per cent.
For who?
For me.
That's a -- that's a pretty big slice. Who do you think you are, General Motors?
How much you think you're worth these days? I'm puttin' up the money, I'm puttin' up the time. For that I get seventy-five per cent return on my money -- if you win.
You think I can lose?
I never saw you do anything else.
You saw me beat Minnesota Fats for eighteen thousand dollars.
Look, you wanna hustle pool, don't you? This game isn't like football. Nobody pays you for yardage. When you hustle you keep score real simple. The end of the game you count up your money. That's how you find out who's best. That's the only way.
Why back me then? Why not back yourself? Go find yourself a big fat poker game and get rich. You know all the angles.
I'm already rich. But I like action. That's one thing I think you're good for is action. Besides, like I say... you got talent.
Yeah, you already told me that. You cut that slice down to bite-size and maybe we can talk.
No, we don't talk. I don't make bad bets. Seventy-five, twenty-five. That's it.
Hey, wait. What are you gonna do about the money?
There are places. I'll scuffle around.
Word's out on you, Eddie. You walk in the wrong kind of place and they'll eat you alive.
Now, when did you adopt me?
Hello, Eddie.
Hi. How's business?
Ahh, slow... Why the open hand bridge? Something wrong with your hand?
Yeah. Had a little accident. A place called Arthur's.
Oh. You seem to do all right that way.
I'd say my game is about twenty per cent off. Maybe more.
What happened? Somebody step on your hands?
Yeah. Big creep. Broke my thumbs.
Man named Turk Baker?
You know everybody, don't you?
Everybody who can hurt me, everybody who can help me. It pays.
Maybe you oughta give me lessons.
Sign up.
Where do I sign?
The first match I got in mind for you is in Louisville, Kentucky.
You name the place, boss. I'll be there.
What happened to you anyway?
Like I told ya. My thumbs.
No, I don't mean the thumbs. You already told me about the thumbs.
I been thinking.
Thinking about what?
Maybe I'm not such a high-class piece of property right now. And a twenty- five per cent slice of something big is better than a hundred per cent slice of nothin'.
Sarah Packard... Bert Gordon.
James Findley is a very rich man. Grandfather left him twenty per cent of a tobacco company.
What? And he -- he hustles pool?
He's a gentleman. Gentleman gambler. He gets his kicks playing with hustlers. He's got an old Southern mansion with a pool table in the basement, drinks eight-year-old bourbon, smokes cork-tipped cigarettes.
How good is he?
You must have a lot of confidence in me.
I don't. But I got confidence in Findley.
What's that supposed to mean?
Here, I got it.
Fats knew the game was in the clutch, knew he had to do something to stop ya. He played it smart.
I played that game, Bert. In my head I played it a thousand times.
Fine.
Good. I'd hate to think I was putting my money on a cripple.
You know, that's real sweet music in there. You can almost smell the action and the money. You know, I can feel it right down in the bottom of my shoes.
Hey, Findley's here.
Where?
Aren't you gonna go over and talk to him?
So does Eddie.
What's the matter? What happened?
Well, we won't.
C'mon, Bert. Let me play him.
Sure.
How do we stand?
'Bout even.
When do I raise the bet?
I don't know.
Bert, if that's his best game, I can beat him.
Level with me, Eddie. You ever play billiards before?
I can beat him.
I'll beat him the next game.
How're the hands?
They're fine.
Hey, Bert. Wait a minute!
I can beat him, Bert. Now he suckered me 'cause he knows how to hustle. I didn't think he did. But I can outplay him. I can beat him.
I don't believe you, Eddie. I think you're still a loser.
Please don't get off me now.
I know when to quit. You don't. Win or lose, you don't know when to quit.
I wanna walk.
It's a long walk.
I got time, Bert.
You want me to tell her for you?
Tell her what?
Eddie?... YOU OWE ME MONEY!
And just how do you figure that, Bert? What do you figure I owe you?
Half.
In Louisville it was seventy-five per cent.
Well, here it's half.
What if I don't pay ya, Bert?
So you figure you're still my manager, huh?
I'm a businessman, kid.
Well, you got a lot of games lined up for me?
Yeah, we're gonna make a lotta money together, from now on.
Fifty per cent?
No, it don't have to be fifty. It can be thirty... twenty-five.
We really stuck the knife in her, didn't we, Bert?
Aaaahhhh!
Boy, we really gave it to her good.
If it didn't happen in Louisville, it'd happened someplace else. If it didn't happen now, it'd happen six months from now. That's the kinda dame she was.
Maybe. You want to play?
No. Hell, no! You Eddie Felson?
Who's he?
What's your game? What do you shoot?
You name it, we shoot it.
Look, friend, I'm not trying to hustle. I don't never hustle people that walk into poolrooms with leather satchels. Don't try to hustle me.
Okay, I'm Eddie Felson. I shoot straight pool. You got any straight pool shooters in this here poolroom?
What kind of straight pool game you like?
The expensive kind.
Come up here to play straight pool with Minnesota Fats?
Yeah, that's right.
He's my partner.
You got that wrong, mister. I am.
Okay, I told you what I wanted about Minnesota Fats. You just go ahead and play him, friend.
Just tell me where I can find him, friend.
Druggist supplies. Buster here is gonna get an award. No, he sold seventeen thousand bucks' worth of stuff last month. Fastest boy in the territory.
It's gonna cost ya money. It always does.
You ought to take up crap shooting. Talk about luck!
Luck! Whaddya mean, luck?
You know what I mean. You couldn't make that shot again in a million years.
I couldn't, huh? Okay. Go ahead. Set 'em up the way they were before.
Why?
Go ahead. Set 'em up the way they were before. Bet ya twenty bucks. Make that shot just the way I made it before.
Set 'em up again... C'mon, set 'em up again.
You're drunk, boy. I'm not gonna bet ya any more.
Whaddya mean?
Let's get back on the road. You gotta be at that convention in the morning.
Up the flagpole with the convention. C'mon, Charlie. You're into me now. I got my money on the table.
Well... well, now.
Don't be a chump. Don't bet any more money on that damn fool shot.
It's quiet.
Yeah, like a church. Church of the Good Hustler.
Looks more like a morgue to me. Those pool tables are the slabs they lay the stiffs on.
Ten grand. I'm gonna win ten grand in one night. ...Well, who's gonna beat me? C'mon, Charlie, who's gonna beat me?
Okay... Okay. Nobody can beat you.
How do you feel?
Fast and loose, man.
In the gut, I mean.
Quit. He's too good.
Hey, how much are we ahead?
Approximately? One thousand bucks.
How much we got?
Eleven thousand four hundred, cash. Here in my pocket.
Preacher, go on down and get me some breakfast, will ya? Egg sandwich and a cup of coffee. You want something, Charlie?
Now wait a minute. You're coming with me. You're gonna eat breakfast at the hotel. Pool game is over.
No, it isn't, Charlie.
Eddie...
The pool game is over when Fats says it's over.
You wanted ten thousand? You got ten thousand.
Ah, get with it, will ya, Charlie?
Get with what?
Twenty-five hours, Eddie. Twenty- five hours you been playin' straight.
Give me a drink, will ya?
You don't need a drink.
What are you trying to do, Eddie? You beat him. You beat him bad. You wanna kill yourself?
What are ya, chicken, Charlie?
Well, maybe that's it. I'm chicken.
Go on home. Just leave me the money.
Go to hell.
Charlie, boy, you better give me that money. C'mon now, give it to me. It's mine.
Is this all we got left?
Hello, Charlie... C'mon in... That's my girl.
Hello, Eddie's girl... I looked all over for you.
Oh yeah? How'd you find me?
Oh, I don't want to be no bother to nobody.
Oh, don't play it small, Charlie. It don't look good on you.
How do you want me to play it? I'm broke.
You walked out on me like that. No goodbye, no nothing. Like a thief in the dark. We were partners. We were more than partners. He was like a... like --
A son.
Yeah, yeah, like a son. I've known this boy since he was sixteen. The first time I saw him, back in Oakland, I said, "This is a talented boy. This is a smart boy."
Talk to me, Charlie.
I want you to come back on the road with me.
Aah! I've got no stomach for that any more. I've had that kind of life.
What kind of life have you got here? Scufflin' around the small rooms, picking up eight, ten bucks a day?
I'll connect. I'll get you your money back.
Are you figuring on going back to Ames to play Minnesota Fats again? Is that what's on your mind?
Never been out of it. I'm gonna beat that fat man... with that curly hair, and those diamond rings, and that carnation.
This boy's crazy. They wiped the floor with him. They beat his brains out and he wants to go back. What for? To take another beating?
I told you you'd get your money back.
With what?
Don't worry about it. I'll raise the money.
Oh yeah? Where?
HOW MUCH?!
My twenty-five per cent. Approximately fifteen hundred bucks.
Oh, you crumb. With that fifteen hundred I coulda beat him. That's all I needed, Charlie.
Aw, Eddie.
C'mon, c'mon, just give me the money.
What for? To play Fats again?
Yeah, to play Fats again.
You wanna come back on the road with me, okay, the money's yours. But if you wanna give it to Minnesota Fats... nothing doing. What do you say?
You still don't see it, do you, Charlie? You are nothing but a small- time Charlie. You'd love to keep me hustling for you, huh? Wouldn't ya? I mean, a couple more years with me, scuffling around them little towns and those back alleys. You might make yourself enough to get a little poolroom back in Oakland. Six tables and a handbook on the
Is that what you think?
Yeah, that's what I think.
All right. That's what I want. Poolroom with a little handbook on the side. Getting old.
Just like that?
No, no more for me.
Findley.
Glad to meet you.
And I you. I think I've heard about you, Mr. Felson. You play pocket billiards, don't you?
Now and then. Why, do you?
I'll bet you do, Mr. Felson. I'll just bet you do.
How much?
When?
You're very direct, Mr. Felson.
That's right. When?
Would you like to come out tonight?
What time?
You gentlemen care for a drink?
No, none for me. Come on, let's play.
I thought we came here to play pool.
Beautiful shot, Felson. Beautiful. You've played billiards before, Mr. Felson. Ah, you gentlemen sure you don't care for a drink?
Like to raise the stakes, Mr. Felson?
There it is. I'm broke.
Ah, that's unfortunate, Mr. Felson.
Here. Been an interestin' evening.
Yeah, sure has.
Charles, will you call a cab for these gentlemen, please. I'd show you to the door, but I...
Oh yeah, yeah. You're tired. And beat.
Yeah. You must come again.
Hey, uh, mister? Hey, okay if I grab a cue?
Hey, you're Eddie Felson, aren't you?
Who's he?
Now, look, fella, I saw you playing at Ames the other night.
Hey, I'll tell you what -- I'll play you jack-up pool -- just keep one hand in my pocket.
What's the limit?
Half and a dollar.
Gimme ten bucks.
Hi.
How much you playin' for?
A dollar on the five, two on the nine.
Yeah, I'll play you a couple. Just for kicks.
You quittin' too?
You're a pretty good player.
How much are you ahead?
Couple of bucks.
I guess it's just you and me, huh?
Yeah, I guess it is, boy. Just you and me.
You wanna raise the bet? Two on the five, five on the nine?
You know what, kid? I think maybe you're a hustler.
Try me.
Shoot.
You sure you don't want to quit, friend?
Let's cut out the small stuff, huh? Hundred dollar freeze-out. Ten games, ten bucks a game, winner take all. And then we'll see who quits.
Okay, friend. You're on.
Call it.
You better not miss, friend.
You quittin', friend?
Long wait for a bus?
How long you been waiting?
What?
How long have you been waiting?
Just a cup of black coffee, please... Hey, ma'am! Wait a minute! Would you, uh, like another cup?
What time does the bus leave?
What bus?
Yours.
That wouldn't give us much time, would it?
Have a nice trip.
Have a nice trip?
Fair.
Can I sit down?
Why not? We already know each other's secrets.
Thanks for the, uh, for the breakfast.
Two ships that pass in the night should always buy each other breakfast.
It's the lights. And the scotch.
How come you didn't catch your bus?
I wasn't waiting for a bus.
Then why go to the bus station?
Same reason you went: at that hour of the morning you haven't much choice. Besides, I only live three blocks from there. Where do you live?
Around.
I know where you live: in a locker, in a bus station. What's it like living in a locker?
Cramped. You always drink like this, so early in the morning?
Do you always ask so many questions?
No, not always.
You talk kind of funny, but I like it.
I used to be an actress.
Yeah? What do you do now?
I'm a college girl. Two days a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I go to college.
You don't look like a college girl.
I'm the emancipated type. Real emancipated.
No, I didn't mean that -- whatever that means. I mean, you just don't look young enough.
I'm not.
So why go to college?
I've got nothing else to do on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
What do you do on the other days?
I drink.
Hey!
No. No more. I'm getting sleepy. Thank you very much, Mr...?
Eddie. The name is Eddie.
The name should be Eddie. What should my name be?
I don't know. Whatever you like it to be.
I like it to be what it is. It's Sarah. That's a biblical name. You want to know its meaning?
I could always get us a bottle.
No.
Fifth of scotch?
What do you want me to do, just step out in the alley? Is that it?
Why did you do that?
I wanted to see what kind of a day it is.
A day like any other. People come, people go.
What time is it?
Eleven o'clock... I'll be back later.
Why?
Oh, you need a shave. You mustn't go looking like that. There's a razor and shaving cream in the bathroom. Compliments of the house.
What did you say that for, Sarah?
How did you know my name was Sarah?
You told me.
I lied. When I'm drunk I lie.
Okay. So what's your name today?
I got my things over at the hotel. I'll bring them over later... Come here.
I'm not sure... I don't know.
Where you been all day?
At school. It's Thursday.
You were asleep when I left. I didn't want to wake you. Did you go out?
You know, I've been living here for almost three years. Now in three days it seems as if I know everybody. When I pass people on the street I want to stop and say, "Listen, I got a fella."
Thanks.
Eddie, where do you go when you go out?
Well, I believe you when you say you go to school.
You want to go with me?
What, are you kidding? See that book? I've been trying to get through that book ever since I first got here. I haven't finished the first chapter. Did you read all them books?
Mm hmm.
You got it all in your head?
When I'm sober. They get a little mixed up when I'm drunk. Most of the time they're mixed up.
Oh, stop talking about yourself like you're a lush or something. I don't like it. Maybe you ought to go to a clinic, get some treatments.
I'm hungry.
Take your choice. I've got enough so we won't have to go out of the house till Tuesday.
What did all this stuff cost you?
When you've got money, you'll pay.
No, c'mon, I wanna know. I wanna keep score.
The bills are right here. You didn't say what you wanted.
Don't you ever cook anything?
Eggs. How do you like them?
Oh, cut my finger.
I've got something in my bag.
Eddie, what's in that case?
Haven't you opened it?
No, why should I? It's yours.
It's a machine gun. This guy told me when I came to the big city I'd have to have a machine gun, so I bought one. Where do you get the money? To pay for all this? I mean the liquor, and the groceries, and the rent?
Do you want me to go?
You going out?
What are you writing?
Give it to me.
What's this supposed to mean?
Give it back to me.
You told Charlie to lay down and die. Will you say that to me too? What happens, Eddie?
You'll find yourself another rich old lover.
Who is it?
What happened?
You can read it, if you want to. You want to go out for a while? To a movie?
You wanna drink?
No. You?
Sarah, do you think I'm a loser?
A loser?
Yeah. I met this guy -- Gordon, Bert Gordon. He said I was. Born loser.
Would he know?
He knows. A lot.
Why did he tell you?
I don't know. I'm not sure. He said there are people who want to lose, who are always looking for an excuse to lose.
What does he do, this Bert Gordon?
He's a gambler.
Is he a winner?
Well, he owns things.
Is that what makes a winner?
Well, what else does?
Does it bother you? What he said?
Yeah. Yeah. It bothers me a lot. 'Cause, you see, twice, Sarah -- once at Ames with Minnesota Fats and then again at Arthur's... ...in that cheap, crummy poolroom... Now, why'd I do it, Sarah? Why'd I do it? I coulda beat that guy, I coulda beat him cold. He never woulda known. But I just had to show 'em, I just had to
You know, someday, Sarah, you're gonna settle down. You're gonna marry a college professor, and you're gonna write a great book. Maybe about me, huh? Fast Eddie Felson, hustler.
I love you.
You need the words?
You glad?
Sherry. Very old, very dry.
Two. Sherry?... Nice joint. You look very pretty.
Well, what's so funny?
Your tie. I never saw you wear one before.
What is it, Eddie?
Nothin'. Want another drink?
What do you want to tell me?
Well, I, uh, I'll be leaving town for a little while.
For how long?
Oh, I don't know.
A week? A year?
More like a week. Look, I'll be back.
No, I want to walk.
Don't you want to know where I'm going?
No. Yes, I want to know what for. But I don't want to ask.
I'm going to Kentucky. To Louisville. With a friend. Try to make some money. I need it, the money. I'll be leaving early in the morning.
Leave now.
Oh, grow up.
Why should I?
Sarah, I'm going to Kentucky to play pool, with a guy by the name of Findley. Now, I need the action and I need the money. I told you I'd be back.
If you were going to come back you wouldn't have taken me out tonight. You wouldn't have bought this dress. You're hustling me, Eddie. You've never stopped hustling me.
Now, I never hustled you. Even when I thought I was. You know it.
What do you want me to do? Just sit here and wait? Faithful little Sarah. Pull the shades down and sit. When you feel like coming back, you'll come back. And you'll love me. And then you'll go away again. Is that your idea of love?
I got no idea of love. And neither have you. I mean, neither one of us would know what it was if we saw it coming down the street.
I'd know it, Eddie. I'd know. For God's sakes, what are you trying to do to me? I love you.
Well, what's your idea of love? Chains?
Fifty-seven.
Where's Bert?
He went off someplace.
Well, that old lovin' horse paid twenty-two forty. Let's see... two hundred I won from the jockey last night. And today at the track... I got five hundred and forty bucks. Here, you hold it.
Why?
If you don't mind I think I'll stay at the hotel.
Well, what's the matter?
Go on back to the hotel.
Please, Eddie, don't beg him.
Would you go on back to the hotel? Take a cab, go on back to the hotel.
Doesn't all of this come through to you, Eddie? Doesn't any of this mean anything to you? That man, this place, the people. They wear masks, Eddie. And underneath the masks they're perverted, twisted, crippled.
Don't wear a mask, Eddie. You don't have to. That's Turk, Eddie, the man who broke your thumbs. Only he's not going to break your thumbs. He'll break your heart, your guts. And for the same reason -- 'cause he hates you, 'cause of what you are. 'Cause of what you have and he hasn't.
Now and then. You know how it is.
You're, uh, you're Minnesota Fats, aren't you? You know, uh, they say Minnesota Fats is the best in the country out where I come from.
Is that a fact?
Yes sir, boy, they, heh, they say that old Fats just shoots the eyes right off them balls.
Where do you come from?
California. Oakland.
California? Is your name Felson? Eddie Felson?
That's right.
I hear you've been looking for me.
Yeah. That's right, too.
Do you like to gamble, Eddie? Gamble money on pool games?
Fats, let's you and I shoot a game of straight pool.
Hundred dollars?
Well, you shoot big-time pool, Fats. I mean, that's what everybody says, you shoot big-time pool. Let's make it two hundred dollars a game.
Boy, he is great! Jeez, that old fat man. Look at the way he moves. Like a dancer.
And them fingers, them chubby fingers. And that stroke. It's like he's, uh, like he's playing a violin or something.
Your shot.
You miss? Well, you don't leave much when you miss, do you, fat man?
That's what the game's all about.
Very good shot.
Preach! Go down and get me some White Tavern whisky, a glass, and some ice.
Preacher! Go on down and get me some bourbon. J. T. S. Brown. No ice, no glass.
Fats, I got about two hundred dollars here.
Game's over, Eddie.
Fats, look, I got about two hundred dollars here. You can't run out on me.
I came to play pool, Fats.
That's good, Eddie. For how much?
You name it.
Thousand dollars a game.
Let's make it three thousand dollars a game, Fats. C'mon, three thousand dollars. That's my bankroll, my life's savings. What's the matter, Fats? All you gotta do is beat me the first game and I'm on my way back to Oakland.
Shoot pool, Fast Eddie.
I quit, Eddie. I can't beat you. Willie, give him the stakes. You got yourself a pool player.
...you shoot a great game of pool.
You -- think I am -- I'm -- -- an animal.
I can't live like you do -- all your machines and -- cold metal and sharp corners --
You lived like this once.
That is not now, human!
It is not arguing to speak the truth.
Are you all right?
Yes.
How much do you remember?
Do you remember where you lived?
It was warm. I was outside. The ocean?
What about... now?
With them?
Yes.
When you're here, in the city, where do you live?
Who is this?
Was this -- "beautiful?" Before?
Do you remember where it is?
What?
You want to find them.
Yes.
Why don't you start with me?
What choice did I have -- ?!
You hunt us like animals -- do you know how many you have slaughtered?!
I only protect myself -- !
You are The Human. The Hunter. The thing that comes in the day and kills --
What do you want?
What do you mean?
Will you keep feeding me? How long can you live like that? Until it kills you? Until I kill you? Without your blood I'll go back.
We don't know that --
Mine.
Have you always had it?
I don't know.
Have you looked inside?
Yes.
What's inside?
Humans.
Who?
That's who you are too, Emma.
You want me to stay?
Do you still want me to stay?
Emma...
He wanted me to see -- he thinks I was -- infected by you.
Shhh... don't talk.
You have to go. He'll never stop. Leave this place. Find another.
Good evening. Did you have a pleasant day today?
Busy. I went swimming and prepared a new vehicle. A big vehicle.
That sounds charming. Did you meet any interesting people today?
Yesterday. They're back. Haven't seen them for a few months. I have to be careful.
Tell me about the interesting people you met, won't you?
They are... sinister. They want to kill me.
That sounds charming. What are you planning to do tomorrow?
I remember the first time we met. Do you remember that?
Yes.
You and that damned garden.
Yeah, but when your mother came what's the first thing you showed her?
I surrender --
Besides, if we get a lot of work done this summer it'll be done.
It's never gonna be done. You love puttering out there too much.
The more we plant, the more that'll grow, and the happier --
Virginia...?
Need some gas?
Please.
Only got one kind.
Hell of a night.
So, what do you do?
I'm am architect. I'm working on a site back in --
You built things.
Bathroom?
Son ... are you awake?
We're going to be moving, son.
Do we have to?
I know, son. But you'll like it where we're going. I'm getting a good job. It's a pretty part of the country.
I'll have to go to a new school -- again.
What's that, Dad?
Wow. Look at the mountains.
This can be your room if you want it. What do you say?
Is the hill ours too?
If we want it, it is.
Wow. There's the town. And there's the air base. This is a great hill.
It's got a name. Copper Ridge. There used to be a copper mine near here.
A meteorite, Dad, look!
It's that time of year again. We should get a pretty good show out here.
Why, Dad?
There are more this year than last.
This should be the heaviest shower of the year.
... and Rigel.
Which one's that? The dull, red one.
Well, son? Should we call it a night? I for one have had a long day.
Jim -- what's wrong?!
It was big -- and it glowed -- and it went down over there -- behind the hill.
What did it look like?
Are you sure you saw that? In the rain -- it may have <u>looked</u> like it changed shape --
I don't know, Dad. But it was big.
Are you all right, Dad?
I lost it. It's kind of muddy out there.
I had an awful dream.
What, Jim, what?
... And then everything blew up. And then I woke up.
That's a doozy of a dream, son.
It was so real, Dad.
I know, Ellen. We'll settle down soon.
I was so scared.
I have to go over to the town this morning and do a lot of shopping. This house needs just <u>everything</u>. I'll probably be gone all day. Jimmy, hurry up and eat or you'll be late.
I'll take you to school.
It's probably the solenoid. Take it back to Gleason's, they said they'd fix it if we found anything wrong.
What happened to you? Who was that?
That's Ed. Ed works with the Bell Telephone switching division.
Where's your car?
I left it at work.
I'm home now.
You know, it really is beautiful up there. Let me show you. We'll take a walk after dinner.
What's wrong, Ellen?
Better get some sleep, son, or you'll be pretty tired at school tomorrow.
We'll be by to pick him up in ten minutes.
What do you mean -- gone? What the hell kind of a nurse are you, anyway?
What did he talk to you about?
He was upset with moving, I believe.
Is that all he said?
Hello, this is Ms. Magnuson speaking.
I understand, Miss, that you have my son in your office.
Yes, I do, Mr. Gardner.
May I ask why?
We were having a little talk.
About what?
Children often have trouble adjusting to a new school.
I don't know what he's told you -- What <u>has</u> he told you? Would you like to tell <u>me</u> -- ?
Mr. Gardner, I --
You people have a lot of nerve, taking it on yourselves to encourage young children to speak out of turn. I'm of a mind to pull him out of school if this is your idea of how to handle ... What sort of training do you have anyway?
Mr. Gardner, I don't think this is the place to discuss this matter.
I'm not particularly interested, <u>Ms.</u> Magnuson, in what you think is correct. My wife and I are going away on a business trip this afternoon and we want Jimmy with us. Keep him in your office until we arrive.
This is a new town for you. Do you like it here?
No.
Why not? Moving is hard for anybody. Was it hard for you to leave all your friends?
I don't have many friends. Dad's all the time moving.
That's quite a story. You know that, don't you?
Yes.
How did it get Mrs. McKeltch?
She said the frog came from around the Copper Ridge. She must've been behind the hill.
What would you think if somebody told you a story like this?
I'd believe him.
Why?
Do you know how to follow a map?
Yes. I can even read star maps.
Jimmy, calm down! What happened? Tell me what happened!
I got trapped in Mrs. McKeltch's van -- and she went to the tunnel and went down there with them -- behind my house. I saw them.
Where, Jimmy?
Behind my house, up on the ridge.
This is where it was -- the tunnel opening.
I don't see anything.
I swear it was here.
But it's not, Jimmy.
No.
They'll get us.
Does it look to you like anything landed here?
Stay here. I'm going to make a phone call.
Who are you calling?
Did you call the State Police?
No one comes here after dark.
Damn.
What is it?
But you saw -- the men go under the sand ...
Don't go in.
I'm not. They must be tunneling under the whole town.
We can't do this alone. We've got to get help.
There was a man named Colonel Wilson, from the Air Force Base. He was talking in our class. He said we could visit him any time we wanted. I'll bet he could do something.
You're looking for life?
Well, come on, you two. Time to go to bed.
Mom -- this is the best show all year.
What do you think he saw? Could it have been something from the air base?
George, where have you been?
Your father asked you a question.
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Mom. I gotta talk to you.
What?
When?
This afternoon. It's wonderful up there -- you still haven't seen the best part.
I have school.
It's all this moving from place to place. We're never settled. I'm having nightmares myself.
What kind, Mom?
What's the story on Jimmy Gardner?
Gardner? Oh, um -- he's a new student. Just moved here. Why?
His teacher brought him in to see me. Said he'd been acting up in class. Creating a disturbance. I couldn't get a thing out of him.
Oh?
What's his family background?
Ms. Magnuson, is Jimmy Gardner with you?
Why, yes.
Jimmy's father is on the phone. I wonder if you'd take the call.
Penicillin. At least it will help keep his fever down.
It's really nice of you to help us.
I wish I could do more but we're moving out.
We're going with you. I mean, we're going too.
This could be our last night on Earth. I don't want to die a virgin.
What do you want?
You have to leave the White House.
This is not the time or the place to have this same old discussion.
In case you haven't noticed, we're in a little bit of a crisis here.
I've worked with embedded loading. They're communicating with a hidden signal. They're going to attack...
You're being paranoid.
What?
Connie, don't hang up.
David? How'd you get this number?
And when is the countdown supposed to expire?
What do you want me to do?
I want you to leave with us. Right now.
I can't leave. We have to tell this to the President.
You can't be seriously considering firing nuclear weapons?
Just my luck, no ice.
I take it you've heard.
You still believe in him.
He's a good man.
Better be. You left me for him.
Thirty seconds? Isn't that cutting it a little too close?
With you? I don't understand why you can't just show someone how to plant the virus, somebody trained for this kind of mission?
Are you all right?
Did it work?
David thought I was having an affair, which I wasn't.
Moishe Martinsburg, Mr. President.
He still gets air sick, huh? In all of this I didn't get the chance to thank you two.
Spunky. He told you about that?
All he could think about was getting to you. There's still love there I think.
Love was never our problem.
Can we expect the same kid of panic here as in Russia?
I don't know how you put up with him.
He used to run the NASA. He knows where all the bones are buried. Comes in handy.
You saved a lot of lives.
We're losing them.
What the hell is the point of having a beeper if you don't turn it on?
It was turned on. I was ignoring you. What's the big emergency?
What the hell is this?
Did you try to switch to transponder channels?
Let's retrofit the dish to another satellite.
There's good news and bad news.
What's the bad news?
You're in meal penalty for disturbing my lunch.
And the good news is you won't charge me.
No. The good news is I found the problem and it's not our equipment. There's some weird signal embedded within the satellite feed.
Yes, because the analog signal has a definite sequential digital patterns embedded within it. When I find the exact binary sequence and I apply a phase reversed signal to that calculated spectra analyzer I built you last Christmas, we should be able to block out the overlay completely...
I've got a lock on the signal pattern. We can filter it out.
Huh? Oh, good, good.
Strange thing is, if my calculations are right it'll be gone in approximately seven hours anyway. The signal reduces itself every time it recycles. Eventually it will disappear. Are you listening?
Can you believe this?
What're you talking about?
Tell her to get the kids and leave town.
What happened?
Okay, why did I just send my family to Atlanta?
Remember I told you that the signal hidden within our satellite signal is slowly recycling down to extinction.
Not really...
That signal. It's a countdown.
A countdown to what?
Then what?
What are you waiting? My social security will expire, you'll still be sitting there.
I'm thinking.
You have any idea how long it takes for those things to decompose?
David, I've been meaning to talk with you. It's nice you've been spending so much time with me, but...
Dad, don't start.
I'm only saying, it's been what? Four years, you still haven't signed your divorce papers.
Three years.
Pops!
The television said they've started with the looting already. Vultures.
You still got the Olds?
You want to borrow the car? You don't have a license.
It's the White House, for crying out loud. You can't just drive up and ring the bell.
Can't this thing go any faster?
You think they don't know what you know? Believe me, they know. She works for the President. They know everything.
They don't know this.
And you're going to educate them? Tell me something, you're so smart how come you spent eight years at M.I.T. to become a cable repairman?
Dad...
What the hell is that?
This, pops, is every phone book in America.
You think an important person like Constance is going to be listed?
Not listed, huh?
I just haven't found it yet. I tried C. Halbrook, Connie Halbrook, Spunky Halbrook...
Spunky?
College nickname.
You try Martin?
Perfect, she's using it.
It's perfect the line is busy?
Yes. I can use he signal to triangulate her exact position in the White House.
Sure he'll listen. Why wouldn't he?
Because last time I saw him I punched him in the face.
You punched the President in the face?
It's Air Force One for crying out loud. Still he gets sick?
Dad, please...
David, David! What the hell are you doing!?
I'm making a mess.
This I can see.
We've gotta burn the rain forest, Pops. Dump toxic waste, pollute the air, rip up the ozone. Maybe if we screw this planet up enough they won't want it anymore.
Pops, you're a genius!
What'd I say?
Thanks, Pops.
I'll see how they're doing with the radio transmitter.
Oh shit, we're late.
I have a confession to make. I'm not real big on flying.
What the hell are you doing?
Must be thousands of them. What are they doing?
Get us out of here!
What're you doing?
Nice meeting you.
We're loose!
Doesn't matter. Game's over.
With your permission, Mr. President, I'd like to remain my your side.
I had a feeling you would.
Sir, what happens if they do become hostile?
General Grey, co-ordinate with Atlantic Command. Tell them they have twenty five minutes to get as many people out of the cities as they can.
But Mr. President...
Is my wife in the air?
Any news on my wife?
Where are they?
Atlanta, Chicago and Philadelphia, destroyed?
And our forces?
We're down to approximately fifteen percent, Sir. If you calculate the time it takes them to destroy a city and move on, we're looking at world wide destruction of every major city within the next thirty six hours.
Organize every plane you can find and get some Goddamned pilots to fly them.
How're we doing?
We have confirmed divisions of troops from different armies all around the world. Most of Europe, the Middle East and Asia are battle ready.
And our troops here?
We've been collecting planes from all over but...
But what, General?
Pilots, sir. We don't have enough people to get them in the air.
Mr. President, just what do you think you're doing?
Grey, you read me?
Where's it headed?
Do not engage until we've confirmed the package has been delivered.
Get on the horn with Atlantic Command. Let's upgrade the situation to DEFCON 3.
Organize a military escort to Crystal Mountain.
More ships keep arriving, fifteen in total so far.
This is crazy. We're loosing our first strike capabilities!
That's impossible...
My God, the Vice President and the Joint Chiefs...
You were the head of the National Intelligence Agency! You knew all about this. When were you planning on informing the rest of us!?
It had been deemed classified.
This is ridiculous.
With their shields down it might be possible.
A meteor?
No Sir. Definitely not.
How do you know?
Well, er... it's slowing down.
It's doing what?
He's trying to impress you.
You can't go. Call them back.
Baby, you know how it is. I have to report to El Toro right away.
You said you were on leave for the Fourth.
Wait. I have to tell you something.
What?
Be careful.
Look, after your shift tonight, why don't you grab Dylan and come stay with me on base.
Really? You don't mind?
You know, you're not as charming as you think you are.
Yes, I am.
Dick-weed!
You're late.
You're late.
You know me...
Before we do this, I want you to know I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
You scared the hell out of me.
Yeah, but what an entrance!
Dick-weed.
Your son.
He's my angel.
Was his father stationed here?
So, what do you do for a living?
I'm a dancer.
Really? Ballet?
No. Exotic.
Oh. Sorry.
And when the dancing's over? What about your future?
Dylan, come here. I want you to meet the First Lady.
I thought you didn't recognize me.
I don't believe it. They make you learn how to fly everything from an Apache to a Harrier and still they turn you down? What else do they want you to learn?
Jasmine has this thing for dolphins. I had them make it...
That is an affirmative. I have victory dance. Mmmmmmm.
Don't get premature on me, Jimmy. We don't light up 'til the Fat Lady sings.
I shouldn't have left her.
Damn it!
I didn't even see them fire!
Jimmy, kick it! They're gaining.
We're already over Mach 2!
Stevie... I can't...
Stop it.
It's all fuzzy.
I don't need it.
He's got that SEGA Saturn CD, 64 bit, right?
Yeah. What would you think if we went there to live for a while?
But I gave you some this morning.
Just what the hell do you think you're doing?
I'm bringing home the bacon. Earning my keep. And doing a fine job if I do say so myself.
It's the wrong field, you idiot! Lucas' farm is on the other side of town.
You sure?
They let you out?
We're leaving, don't try and stop us.
Troy's still my son no matter how you feel about me.
I couldn't find anything. Everyone is packing up, they're leaving. Word is a space ship is heading this way.
We should leave too.
How' he doing?
I'm not leaving.
We must maintain a working government in a time of crisis...
I want the Vice President, Secretary of Defense, the whole Cabinet and the Joint Chiefs taken to a secured location. I'm staying here. I am not going to add to a public hysteria that could cost lives.
But, Mr. President...
What the hell's going on?
I spoke with the Joint Chief when they arrived at NORAD. They agree, we must launch a counter offensive with a full nuclear strike. Hit 'em with everything we've got.
Above American soil?
Why the hell wasn't I told about this place?
Mr. President?
Call them back.
The other bombers might have more luck. We shouldn't just give up...
Mr. President, a real pleasure. They don't let us out much, you know.
Yes.
See, we can't duplicate their type of power so we've never been able to experiment. But since these guys started showing up, all the gizmos inside turned on. The last twenty four hours have been really exciting!
What can you tell us about the enemy we're facing?
Can they be killed?
Why did you people come here?
Air... water... your "sun."
Where do your people come from? Where is your home?
Here... now.
And before here?
Many worlds...
Can we negotiate a truce? Is there room for co-existance? Can there be peace between us?
Peace? No peace.
What do you want us to do?
Oh, Sallah! What a relief!
Marcus Brody, sir. And where is Indy?
Oh, he's in Austria. A slight detour.
Yes, but don't panic. Everything's under control. Have you... have you arranged our supplies?
Oh, yes, of course. But where are we going?
Oh, what?... your servant, sir.
My reputation precedes me.
Yes.
Yes.
Egyptian Mail. Morning edition. Run!
May we go home now, please?
Marcus! I did it!
You know how long I've been looking for that?!
All your life.
All my life!
Your treat.
What has the old fool got himself into now?
Dad?
Venice, Italy!
It's Dad's Grail Diary. Every clue he ever followed. Every discovery he made. A complete record of his search for the Holy Grail. This is his whole life. Why would he have sent this to me?
I don't know. But someone must want it pretty badly.
Do you believe the Grail actually exists?
But if you want facts, Indy, I have none to give you. At my age, I'm prepared to take a few things on faith.
Call Donovan, Marcus. Tell him I'll take that ticket to Venice now.
Ah, Venice...
Yes. Uh, how will we recognize this Doctor Schneider when we see him?
That doesn't look much like a library.
Marcus -- I've seen this window before.
Look, Indy. The Roman numerals!
Dad was onto something here!
How's the head?
The present city of Iskenderun is built on its ruins. Marcus -- you remember what the Grail Tablet said. "Across the desert and through the mountain to the Canyon of the Crescent Moon." But where exactly?
Now, he knew there was a city with an oasis due east. Here. He knew the course turned south through the desert to a river, and the river led into the mountains. Here. Straight to the canyon. He knew everything except where to begin, the name of the city.
Alexandretta. Now we know.
Yes. Now we know.
What about you?
Indy... Indy, you must hurry!! Come quickly!
Marcus!
Henry! What are you doing here?!
Henry, the pen --
What?
Look what you did!
The Word of God...
No, Henry. Try not to talk.
Indy! Henry! Follow met I know the way! Haaa!
Tell me, what's going to happen when we get to Venice?
Don't worry. Doctor Schneider will be there to meet you.
Schneider?
I maintain an apartment in Venice, at your disposal.
Care to wet your whistle, Marcus?
Well, Marcus, we are on the brink of the recovery of the greatest artifact in the history of mankind.
Are you expected?
Don't take that tone with me, my good man. Now buttle off and tell Baron Brunwald that Lord Clarence MacDonald and his lovely assistant are here to view the tapestries.
Tapestries?
Dear me, the man is dense. This is a castle, isn't it? There are tapestries?
This is a castle. And we have many tapestries. But if you're a Scottish lord, then I am Mickey Mouse.
My name is Donovan. Walter Donovan.
I know who you are Mr. Donovan. Your contributions to the museum over the years have been extremely generous. Some of the pieces in your collection here are very impressive.
Well, it's sandstone. Christian symbol. Early Latin text. Mid-Twelfth Century, I should think.
That was our assessment as well.
Where did this come from?
"Where the cup that holds the blood of Jesus Christ resides forever."
The Arthur Legend. I've heard this bedtime story before.
Eternal life, Doctor Jones! The gift of youth to whoever drinks from the Grail. Oh, now that's a bedtime story I'd like to wake up to!
An old man's dream.
Hard to resist, isn't it? The Holy Grail's final resting place described in detail!
What good is it? This Grail Tablet speaks of deserts and mountains and canyons. Pretty vague. Where do you start looking? Maybe if the Tablet were intact, you'd have something to go on. But the entire top portion is missing.
Let me tell you another "bedtime story," Doctor Jones. After the Grail was entrusted to Joseph of Arimathaea, it disappeared and was lost for a thousand years before it was found again by three Knights of the First Crusade. Three brothers, to be exact.
I've heard this one as well. Two of these brothers walked out of the desert one hundred and fifty years after having found the Grail and began the long journey back to France. But only one of them made it. And before dying of extreme old age, he supposedly imparted his tale to a -- to a Franciscan friar, I think.
This is the manuscript in which the friar chronicled the Knight's story... it doesn't reveal on location of the Grail, I'm afraid... but the Knight promised that two "markers" that had been left behind would. This Tablet is one of those "markers." It proves the Knight's story is true. But as you pointed out -- it's incomplete. Now, the second "marker" is entombed with
That's usually when the ground falls out from underneath your feet.
You could be more right than you know.
Yes?
We've hit a snag. Our project leader has vanished. Along with all his research. Uh, we received a cable from his colleague, Doctor Schneider, who has no idea of his whereabouts or what's become of him. I want you to pick up the trail where he left off. Find the man and you will find the Grail.
You've got the wrong Jones, Mister Donovan. Why don't you try my father?
DONOVAN!
Impossible? What do you say, Jones? Ready to go down in history?
As what? A Nazi stooge like you?
Nazis?! -- Is that the limit of your vision?! The Nazis want to write themselves into the Grail legend and take on the world. Well, they're welcome. But I want the Grail itself. The cup that gives everlasting life. Hitler can have the world, but he can't take it with him. I'm going to be drinking my own health when he's gone the way
Shooting me won't get you anywhere.
I'm through!
Doctor Jones?
Yes?
And my mother's ears. But the rest belongs to you.
The last time I saw your father we were in the library. He was very close to tracking down the Knight's Tomb. I've never seen him so excited. He was as giddy as a schoolboy.
Fraulein -- will you permit me?
I usually don't.
I usually don't either.
It would make me very happy.
But I'm already sad -- by tomorrow it will have faded.
My dad sent me this Diary for a reason. Until we find out why, I suggest we keep it to ourselves.
Bingo.
You don't disappoint, Doctor Jones. You're a great deal like your father.
Except he's lost, and I'm not.
Pagan symbols. Fourth or Fifth Century.
Right. Six hundred years before the Crusades.
The Ark of the Covenant.
Are you sure?
It must be one of these...
What's that?
Wouldn't it be wonderful if he were here now to see this?
Don't wander off.
I said go around!
You said go between them!
My room!
Mine, too.
This.
The Grail Diary.
Uh-huh.
At least I let you tag along.
Oh, yes. Give them a flower and they'll follow you anywhere.
Knock it off. You're not mad.
No?
No. You like the way I do things.
What do you know about this place?
What are you going to do?
This one. I think he's in here.
This book contained a map -- a map with no names -- precise directions from the unknown city to the secret Canyon of the Crescent Moon.
How did you get here?
You came back for the book? Why?
Is that what you think of me? I believe in the Grail, not the Swastika.
Yet you stood up to be counted with the enemy of everything the Grail stands for -- who gives a damn what you think?
All I have to do is squeeze.
I never expected to see you again.
Elsa! Elsa, don't move!
It's ours, Indy. Yours and mine.
Elsa. Elsa don't. Elsa. Elsa. Give me your other hand, honey. I can't hold you.
Dad!
Out!
It's important!
Then wait -- count to twenty.
No, Dad. You listen to me --
It is you Junior!
Don't call me that, please.
But what are you doing here?
Oh, it breaks the heart.
And the head. You hit me, Dad!
I'll never forgive myself --
Don't worry -- I'm fine.
No! Dad, get your stuff. We've got to get out of here.
Well, I am sorry about your head, though. But I thought you were one of them.
Dad, they come in through the doors.
Humpf -- so I was wrong this time. But by God, I wasn't wrong when I mailed you my Diary. You obviously got it.
I got it and I used it. We found the entrance to the catacombs.
Through the library?
Right.
Found it.
He was actually there? You saw him?
Well, what was left of him.
And his shield... the inscription on Sir Richard's shield...?
Alexandretta. It's a great moment in Henry's life. He turns aside, lost to himself for a moment, then turns to Indy with joy.
...you did it.
No, Dad. You did. Forty years.
If only I could have been with you.
There were rats, Dad.
Rats?
Yeah, big ones. What do the Nazis want with you Dad?
They want my diary.
You didn't, did you? You didn't bring it, did you?
Well, uh...
You did!!
Look, can we discuss this later?
I should have mailed it to the Marx Brothers.
Will you take it easy!
Take it easy?! Why do you think I sent it home in the first place? So it wouldn't fall into their hands!!
I came here to save you.
No! Don't Shoot!
She ransacked her own room and I fell for it. How did you know she was a Nazi?
Umh?
How did you she was a Nazi?
Ooooh... I like the Austrian way better.
So did I.
Let's try and get these ropes loose. We've got to get to Marcus before the Nazis do!
You said he had two days' start. That he would blend in. Disappear!
What am I looking for?
My lucky charm.
Feels like a cigarette lighter.
I ought to tell you something.
Don't get sentimental now Dad -- save it 'til we get out of here.
The floor's on fire! See?!
What???
And the chair.
Dad!
What?
Dad!
What?
What?
Head for the fireplace!
This is intolerable!
Dad!
Come on, Dad. Come on!
Stop!
What?
You're going the wrong Way! We have to get to Berlin!
Brody's this way.
My Diary's in Berlin.
You don't need the Diary, Dad. Marcus has the map.
There is more in the Diary than just the map.
All right Dad -- tell me.
Well, he who finds the Grail must face the final challenge.
What final challenge?
Three devices of such lethal cunning.
Booby traps?
Oh, yes. But I found the clues that will safely take us through, in the Chronicles of St. Anselm.
But what are they? Can't you remember?
I wrote them down in my Diary so that I wouldn't have to remember.
Half the German Army's on our tail and you want me to go to Berlin? Into the lion's den?
Yes! The only thing that matters is the Grail.
What about Marcus?
Marcus would agree with me.
That's for blasphemy. The quest for the Grail is not archaeology. It's a race against evil. If it is captured by the Nazis, the armies of darkness will march all over the face of the earth. Do you understand me?
This is an obsession Dad. I never understood it. Never. Neither did Mom.
What did you get?
I don't know. The first available flight out of Germany.
When we're airborne, with Germany behind us, then I'll share that sentiment.
You know, sharing your adventures is an interesting experience.
That's not all we shared. It's disgraceful. You're old enough to be her fa... er, her grandfather!
Well, I'm as human as the next man.
I was the next man.
Do you remember the last time we had a quiet drink? I had a milk shake.
Hmmm... What did we talk about?
We didn't talk. We never talked.
And do I detect a rebuke?
A regret. It was just the two of us, Dad. It was a lonely way to grow up. For you, too. If you had been an ordinary, average father like the other guys' dads, you'd have understood that.
Actually, I was a wonderful father.
Did I ever tell you to eat up? Go to bed? Wash your ears? Do your homework? No. I respected your privacy and I taught you self-reliance.
What you taught me was that I was less important to you than people who had been dead for five hundred years in another country. And I learned it so well that we've hardly spoken for twenty years.
You left just when you were becoming interesting.
Dad, how can you?
Well... I can't think of anything.
Then what are you complaining about? Look, we have work to do. When we get to Alexandretta we will face three challenges. "First, the breath of God. Only the penitent man will pass. Second, the Word of God, only in the footsteps of God will he proceed. Third, the Path of God, only in the leap from the lion's head will he prove his
What does that mean?
I didn't know you could fly a plane.
Dad -- eleven o'clock!!
Dad, are we hit?!
Nice landing.
Those people are trying to kill us!
I know, Dad!
It's a new experience for me.
This is intolerable!
What do you think you're doing?! Get down!
Now, who are all these people?
Dad?
You call this archaeology?
Dad?!
"Only the penitent man will pass. Only the penitent man will pass."
The penitent man will pass. The penitent... the penitent. The penitent man...
The penitent man is humble before God.
Penitent. Penitent...
But in the Latin alphabet, "Jehovah" begins with an "I".
Junior, give me your other hand! I can't hold on!!
Elsa never really believed in the Grail. She thought she'd found a prize.
What did you find, Dad?
What did you find, Junior?
I like Indiana.
Ready?
Uh-huh.
After you, Junior.
I knew you'd come, but my strength has left me.
Who are you?
The last of three brothers who swore an oath to find the Grail and to guard it.
That was seven hundred years ago.
You're strangely dressed... for a knight.
I'm not exactly... a knight. What do you mean?
Get that camel out of the way!
What happened to Marcus, Sallah?
That car belonged to my brother-in- law.
I'm going after those horses.
I'll take the camels.
I don't need camels.
But, Indy --
Sallah, I said no camels! That's five camels. Can't you Count?
Compensation for my brother-in-law's car. Indy, your father and Brody --
Where's my father?
Why are you trying to kill us?
Because you're looking for the Holy Grail.
My father was looking for the Holy Grail. Did you kill him too?
No.
Where is he? Talk -- or you're dead. Damn it, tell me! Tell me!
If you don't let go, Doctor Jones, we'll both die.
Then we'll die.
This is your last chance.
All right! Where's my father
If you let me go, I will tell you where he is.
Who are you?
My name is Kazim.
And why were you trying to kill me?
Ask yourself, why do you seek the Cup of Christ? Is it for His glory, or for yours?
I didn't come for the Cup of Christ. I came to find my father.
Captain Blumburtt and his troops are here to check up on the "natives".
Just a routine inspection tour.
Dr. Jones, you know very well that the Thuggee cult has been dead for nearly a century.
Well, Mr. Prime Minister, my report will duly note that we found nothing unusual here in Pankot.
I'm sure that will please the Maharajah, Captain.
Interested in local curios?
Charming.
It's like the voodoo dolls of West Africa. The kryta represents your enemy -- and gives you complete power over him.
Thank God all that mumbo jumbo rubbish is disappearing.
You think so?
You're hanging on better here than you did in America.
The Prime Minister doesn't seem that naive.
I'm sure it's nothing. Just rumors. What was it they claimed was stolen?
Rather bizarre menu, wouldn't you say?
I've spent by life crawling around in caves and tunnels -- I shouldn't have let somebody like Willie go in there with me.
Miss Scott panicked?
Then she must have run out of the room and you found her.
I believe we're being called to dinner.
Jones isn't in his room. Miss Scott -- my troops are leaving at dawn if you want us to escort you to Delhi --
No -- you can't go! Something awful's happened. They've got Short Round and I think Indy's been --
What?
Who?
Hard to believe, isn't it...?
The plane crash and your journey here sound -- most incredible.
He's not exactly what we call "a spring chicken".
No, no, that is Uhmed Singh, the present Maharajah's late father.
They will escort you to your rooms now. You will be provided with fresh clothes. Tonight you will be dining with His Highness.
Listen, Mr. Lal, what do you call the Maharajah's wife?
His Highness has not yet taken a wife.
Miss Scott, you're not making any sense.
I sense the fumes of opium in all this. Perhaps Miss Scott picked up the habit in Shanghai.
I would say you look rather lost. But then I cannot imagine where in the world the three of you would look at home...
Lost? No, we're not lost. We're on our way to Delhi. This is Miss Scott -- and Mr. Round. My name's Indiana Jones.
We'd appreciate it if the Maharajah would let us stay tonight. We'll be on out way in the morning.
I had a question, Mr. Prime Minister. I was examining some of the Maharajah's artifacts.
A very fine collection of very old pieces, don't you think?
I suppose stories of the Thuggees die hard.
There are no stories anymore.
Their stories are just fear and folklore.
You know the villagers also claimed that this palace stole something from them.
Dr. Jones, in our country a guest does not usually insult his host.
There, you see, Captain. A rock!
When they lost this rock their fields and animals died. They also said their children were taken from them.
I was dubious myself at first. Then something connected -- the village's rock and the old legend of the Sankara Stones...
Dr. Jones, we are all vulnerable to vicious rumors. I seem to remember that in Honduras you were accused of being a grave robber rather than a scientist.
The newspapers exaggerated the incident.
And didn't the Sultan of Madagascar threaten to cut your head off if you ever returned to his country?
That was a misunderstanding.
Mola Ram is telling the faithful of out victory. He says the British have left the palace, which proves Kali Ma's new power.
You understand what he tells us?
Dr. Jones.
Lao She.
You never told me you spoke my language, Dr. Jones.
So, it is true, Dr. Jones? You found Nurhachi?
You have insulted my son.
Next time I'll cut off more than his finger.
What's that?
Now what about the antidote, Lao.
Wow! Holy smoke! Crash landing!
Step on it, Short Round!
You got the tickets, Short Round?
Indy?
Indy, they make our plane crash? To get you here?
I ride with you, Indy?
Indy, look!
What you look at, Indy?
That little Maharajah think he big stuff.
You don't like him do you?
Next time I flatten him! Did you see his eyes?
No.
He was afraid of you. He knows a tough guy when he sees one.
Get to sleep Indy -- I stay up and keep eye on things...
What does it mean, Indy?
The village knew their rock was magic -- but they didn't know it was one of the lost Sankara Stones...
Why they glow like that?
This is Nainsukh -- from the village. They bring him here to dig in the mines.
Come one, what's wrong?
Slow on the curves or we'll fly off the tracks!
Let up on the brake!
You were caught trying to steal the Sankara Stones.
There were five stones in the beginning. Over the centuries they were dispersed by wars, sold off by thieves like you...
Two are still missing.
No. They are here -- somewhere. A century ago when the British raided this temple and butchered my people, a loyal priest hid the last two stones down here in the catacombs.
That's what you've got these children -- these slaves digging for?
They dig for the gems to support our cause. They also search for the last two stones. Soon we will have all five Sankara Stones and the Thuggees will be all powerful!
Nobody can say you don't have a vivid imagination.
That's far enough!
Give me the stones!
No, the stones are mine!
On the way to Delhi, you will stop at Pankot.
Pankot isn't on the way to Delhi.
You will go to palace there.
Hasn't the Pankot palace been deserted since the Mutiny of 1857?
It is Pankot Palace that kills my village.
I don't understand. What's happened here?
The evil starts in Pankot. Then like monsoon, it moves darkness over all country.
What evil?
It is why Krishna brought you here.
Nobody brought us here. Our plane crashed. We were shot down by --
Was the stone very smooth? It was probably brought here from a sacred river.
Long ago -- before my father's father.
But why would the Maharajah take this sacred stone?
You will find them when you find sivlalinga.
I like the service here.
Hey, he's not a waiter...
Look out, damn it, I need that antidote!
For crying out loud, a kid's driving the car?!
Listen, we just met for crissake! I'm not that kind of girl!
You don't look very good.
What're we going to do?! Where're we going?!
I'll take the extra ticket. Where's this plane going anyway?
Siam.
So, what're you supposed to be, a lion tamer?
I'm freezing. What do you mean, tag along? From the minute you walked into that nightclub, you haven't been able to keep your eyes off me.
Are you crazy, a lift raft?! We're not sinking, we're crashing!
You all right?
India...
What'd he say?
He told me they knew I was coming here.
What do you mean -- how?
The old man saw it in a dream.
Dream -- nightmare is more like it.
God, I am starving, but I can't eat this...
Took what?
And then they took their children.
What'd he say now?
Hey, Willie -- I think you better get out now.
Stark naked? You wish... If you're trying to seduce me, Dr. Jones, this is a very primitive approach.
Me seduce you? Honey, you're the one who took your clothes off. I just came over to remind you that you never know what else might be in the water.
Indy! Help me!
Don't worry, I'm coming in! What is it?
A what...?
Hurry, help me out of here! What're you waiting for?!
Uh, listen -- Willie -- I got a better idea.
What?!
Don't let it pull you deeper!
It's pulling me deeper!
Don't let it curl around you!
Listen, Willie. Do exactly what I tell you now.
What?!
Can you move your arm?
Just one arm!
Okay, I want you to lift your hand -- and pet the snake.
PET IT??!!
Yes, stroke it right along the maxillary and precaudal vertebrae.
THE WHAT?!
Oh -- my -- god -- it's going to crush me!
What's happening?
It's starting to let go!
Thanks for nothing! I hate snakes!
Where'd you find your little bodyguard?
Shorty's family was killed when they bombed Shanghai. He was living on the streets.
By the way, how'd you end up in Shanghai?
What about the future?
I'd like to find one of those myself.
Oh really?
Yeah, but he's got to be dead and buried for a couple of thousand years. Fortune and glory...
Is that what you're hoping to find at this palace, Dr. Jones?
The drawing shows a priest named Sankara who lived centuries ago.
What does the writing say?
It's Sanskrit. It tells the story of Sankara climbing Mt. Kalisa where he met the Hindu god Shiva.
That's Shiva? What's he giving the Priest?
Legend says he told Sankara to go forth and combat evil. To do that he gave him five sacred stones that had magical powers.
I think you should sleep closer. I meant for safety.
Couldn't keep away, huh?
He's afraid of something.
He said he couldn't take us any farther. He has to go sell the elephants.
Any more complaints?
I've always had a weakness for folk dancing.
That's the Maharajah -- that kid?!
Cheer up, you lost your prince, but dinner's on the way.
Not leftovers?
You're nice. Listen, I'm taking applications -- how'd you like to be my palace slave?
Yeah -- and nothing else. That shock you?
Primitive sexual practices?
You're dying to come into my room, aren't you?
You want me so bad, why don't you invite me?
Too proud to admit you're crazy about me, Dr. Jones?
We'll see who gives in first -- I'll leave my door open.
Don't catch cold.
Five minutes... you'll be back over here in five minutes...
No -- don't you see -- crawling --
Get -- the -- bug -- off!
Oh no -- oh no!!
You know, Willie, I'll bet he's mad because they were eating his friends for dinner.
What?!
WILLIE?!
There's bugs! Bugs all over! Help! Help me!
GET US OUT! Willie, shut up and listen! There's got to be a fulcrum release! Look around!
A fulcrum release lever!
There's a hole! I found a square hole!
That's it -- the release lever -- look inside!
Oh God, it's soft -- it's moving!
What is it...?
Oh my God! He ripped out his -- he killed him!
Let's go! Let's get out of here!
Wait -- what're you doing?
I'm going down.
Down? Down there?! Are you crazy!
I'm not leaving without those stones.
You're gonna get killed chasing after your damn fortune and glory!
It's okay. You're all right now.
What?
You've got to go to sleep now.
I want to go home...
Indy? Did you talk to them?
Yes.
So now they believe me.
I was scared to death last night when I thought they were going to kill you.
No... they won't kill me.
What're we going to do?!
I can't!
Let her go! Our only chance is outrunning them!
Anymore ideas...?
I guess Mola Ram got what he wanted.
The last Sankara Stone.
And they don't even know what it really is.
Well, you didn't get your prince, and there goes your diamond.
You didn't do so well yourself. Finding that stone could've gotten you all the fortune and glory you were talking about.
I get it!
This is the first time anybody ever cried when I left.
They don't cry about you. They cry about the elephants leaving.
Figures...
Give me your hat...
What for?
I don't appreciate being cooked like a french fry!
I said something.
No, not her. Me.
My name is AL.
Where are you,...Al?
You're not gonna believe this...
Try me.
I'm reporting you to the .....transit authority!!!
...reporting....him... ventriloquism...On a bus
Don't do that.
Arrrgh!
It wasn't him.
Who was it?
Me.
Who?
Al.
Yes?
You're in my head...
Yes.
Your name is Al...
Yes.
No...no...it's nothing.. Rehearsing a play... What light through yonder window breaks...It is Al... and he's in my head.
What is your name?
You're in my head? You don't know my name?
I just got here.
What??? You lose your lease on a condo?
Where are we?
Where are we? We're on the street. We're walking down the street. We're talking to ourselves. People are staring at us.
What street?
What street?! We're walking down QUEER STREET. We coming to Dopey Drive. We're about to be put somewhere quiet where they won't mind that we talk to ourselves.
Why don't we go home?
Go home. Good idea. Get some rest.
...I need to make a phone call.
Do me a favor, Al.
Yeah?
Somebody's been here.
Where are we now?
My place, can't you see?
No.
You're in my head, you can talk to me and hear what I say, but you can't see anything.
Right.
Kind of an oversight, wouldn't you say.
I'm working on it. Soon as I find the right nerve bundle.
Who are you?
Who am I?
Yeah...Who?
Quit screwing around, this is important.
It's my head, I'll be the judge of that. Anyway, who are you?
I told you, my name is Al.
You've heard of the PEM114...
Are you threatening me?
Look! I didn't ask to be in you. Don't blame me for it. You did it.
Me? What'd I do?
Yeah. What did you do? You explain it. ...why I'm not at the lab right now, in my tube, with my crew. Explain that!
I don't know what you're talking about.
The Nicholson Node. I suppose you haven't heard of that either.
No.
You've heard of U.S.T.?
I just went there for a job.
I know...it sounds insane.
What are you doing?
Loading a gun.
What for?
Kill myself.
Are you crazy?
Yep.
Don't do it. Don't aim at the head.
Used to be, things were bad. No job...no money...no girl. Now I got all that and I'm crazy too.
You're not crazy.
Hear voices don't I.
Of course you do!
You're not crazy. Don't...wait a minute, just let me explain.
You're gonna explain.
Yeah JOE Why there's a little man in my head?
Yeah.
Why he's argumentative?
You'll be alive.
With a man in my head...
What was that?
You weren't listening!
Sorry...all this...buzzing in my head. Why don't I just take you back to UST?
No they won't.
Why not?
I'll talk to them.
Oh...Gooood!
I'll tell you what to say.
If I get you back to the lab, will you get out of my head?
Anyone there?
Behind us?
What's that?
What'd he look like?
What do I do?
Outrun them.
Now what?
I wouldn't say that.
Get your breathing down. You sound like a cement mixer.
I want out.
Too late...They want you.
Why? AL You know too much.
I don't know anything. I just want to go home.
Calm Down! Act rational.
I don't know...To get Al.
Did you hear that?
It can't take that long.
JOE Or what?
They could put you back in the tube..
I'd be helpless and useless. They don't have the PEM. Without that...there's no chance.
Well...they sure as hell aren't gonna get it for you.
They're busy covering their asses. They're not the type of people we need."
Yeah...Who is?
I am. You are.
You are CRAZY!
You're the one talking to a little guy in your head. ...We'll have to do it on our own.
What do you mean we.
You gotta help.
I did. I brought you back here.
We're a team...My...talent. Your... mobility.
Thanks.
Think of the scientific data we'll gain. Come on, lets get out of here.
Ever think of what they might have to do to find me?
Find You?
They'll have to take you apart. ...piece by piece.
Sue them.
I don't like the sound of that.
We have to get out of here.
Door's locked.
Now what.
Go out, take your first left.
Just walk down the hall?
Which way do I go?
What does it say.
Corridor A.
Take a left and your next right.
A lab and equipment.
Is it familiar? Have you been here before.
I was thirsty. He told me to get a drink.
Who did?
Oh my God...What did he look like, the man?
Like the guys that attacked us.
What do you mean?
Black suits and helmets.
That's it. They know I'm in here. We've got to find them.
That's not a good idea.
They think we're safe here. They don't really need us. They're probably long gone.
Gone where?
You need ID in there?
You do. To get out of here. You're gonna be me.
I don't wanna be you. I wanna go home.
Anything...A feeling...a smell..?
Wait a minute. The fight. Where did he get you?
Just scratched my arm, why?
I'll be out of touch for a while. Just get to the airport.
I'm back.
I'm at the airport.
Who is it?
Don't talk, I told you. You just screwed it up.
What am I supposed to do?
What is it?
What do we do?
Send a man there. A secret agent.
Who?... Wait a minute! I'm no agent, secret or otherwise. And..I'm alone.
You mean...just leave.
We get on a plane.
What about money?
What about it?
I don't have any.
Use my credit cards.
I can't do that.
Why not?
It's illegal.
Who cares?
I'll get in trouble.
...and a license to kill...
They'll know who I am.
It's just not enough.
It's attitude...how you carry yourself.
What's wrong with how I carry myself.
Nothing, but it's yours. Change it. Change your whole persona.
Oh yeah, to what?
You'll be me.
I don't want to be you. I don't even like you, why would I want to be you?
Because you got my ID. Now brace yourself. I'm gonna try something with your glands.
Now what?
The beach.
The beach?
How else do you get seaweed under your nails?
Eating sushi?
Holy shit!
What is it?
Do you notice anything.
The sky, the sun, the sea... There's no one here. It's deserted. What now?
Swim.
Take it easy, now. Don't want you in over your head.
Here...all the seaweed you want. Now, what?
You eat it.
You eat it. You know what this stuff tastes like?
Now what?
The sand.
Eat it?
Eat it.
I don't want to eat it.
Why not?
It's sand.
Now lie down somewhere quiet and rest, I'll be back in a while.
Al, are you doing anything in there?
What? What do you mean?
Beautiful!
What was?
This must be business, there's nothing else here.
She's...pretty fast.
What is it?
You're beautiful..
What's happening?
She doesn't seem to understand.
Try another language.
Which language?
Help me out, will you?
What do I do?
Don't just stand there, say something.
What?
.
Wait.
Where is she staying?
Touch her.
What?
...Joe.
What happened?
Where are you going?
To the hotel. To register.
Without your pants.
Good thing I'm here to do the thinking.
Yeah. Some help. That poetry really killed her.
It worked.
I made it work.
You stumbled around. Remember, you've got my ID, you've got to be me, not some stumblebum.
Rene...
I'm not some hot shot test pilot. I'm not some playboy. I don't usually pick up girls.
Well you did it today.
Yeah. I did it.
Now, where would I be?
But what's it look like?
What's nothing look like? ...it looks like nothing.
What is it?
You really like that shirt?
Much too blue.
Mind your own business.
It is my business. It's my name.
Not that tie with that coat.
What did that cost?
You want sophistication, it don't come cheap.
Which one is she?
They both look good to me.
Get close to them.
You're not just after this girl, are you?
You got a better idea, you tell me. Other than her, there's no one here I know.
Pan the group, will you. If you're right, at least one of them...is involved.
Who are they? Stay on them, will you. How can we find out...Wait. The glasses.
What glasses.
Follow that busboy.
I feel like an idiot.
Which one?
The blond...GRUNER. A killer.
Just don't show fear.
I don't know what's going on.
He recognises you, throw him off.
My coast is Maine, actually. We have a place in Bar Harbor...And a bar in Sutton Place.
Joe, be careful!
They're all in it.
How do you know?
Voice stress analyzer.
Even Rene?
She's the toughest to read.
Maybe she's telling the truth.
Can't tell. Every time I try her, you look away. Or you make noises. Maybe you don't want to know.
What is it, your charm?
This just won't work.
You're doing great with her.
Not her. You!
What is it?
It's embarrassing.
What if she says something important?
I'll be right here. I'll keep it in mind. I'll get a lot more from her without you butting in.
What am I supposed to do?
You got any books in there?
Oh come on.
You shut down your sensors.
Joe! It's 56 hours!
What Happened?
I don't know!
Ahhh...works...Ryuji... travel...just business...She's.. Fine Arts, University of Tokyo..
Is that all?
She's got the most beautiful...s
And on my time.
It's not your time. I get time off.
No. What do you hope? AL I hope. I just hope. That someday, you're real small, and you've got no time. And you got no one to help you. And you depend on me. And you know what I'll do?
No. What will you do.
You been had. We have.
Some agent you are.
Bingo.
You found her.
Better. I found Ryuji.
That's good. It's not better. Where?
Osaka.
Osaka?
Don't you think I stand out like this.
We are trying to stand out. Right near his address. Easier to get them to come to us, than to try and find them. ..now keep your eyes open, something might present itself.
What do I do?
Follow her.
On what?
Come on, she's getting away.
Beer. And cakes...cookies ..anything bad.
Sapporo..
Just stay here and rest.
Where are you going?
Down to your heart. I'm gonna clean some fat out before you drop on me.
`Joe. I'm here. You're Okay.
What do I do?
Relax. Make your mind a blank.
What are you doing? Wait a minute. Lets think this through.
Yeah...You've fallen for her.
I told you, I have a feeling...
One of your instincts?
Don't touch a thing.
...drink it.
What next!
I can't...
You have to! Quickly!
What are you doing?
Ow!
Door to the right. Get up and run.
I can't see a thing.
What?
Never mind, just say it.
He was with Gruner!
I need a guide and you need a client...and $1000.
Hiroshima! She's going, with us? Are you out of your mind.
Probably.
I don't trust her.
It's him.
Plenty of circuits in a Walkman...
I've got an idea.
You sure this will work?
Not sure at all.
Well at least talk it up, then. I feel like an idiot.
What was it? What'd I say?
haka xuki.
haka xuki. What's that mean?
Left...The one with the red dot.
Well...?
He hung us up dry.
While he makes the run.
It's in the watch. He lead us on that chase while Dieter brought the chip into Hong Kong.
And Dieter?
Then, why'd he lead us here.
Do it.
I can't handle that thing.
Are you alright?
Aim just in front of his face.
Holy...
He aready made the deal..
The man we want has the PEM, and is across the border by now.
Dieter!
There's a lot you don't know.
This may hurt.
Pretty advanced, isn't it?
Do something.
What exactly?
What happened?
Be quiet.
Where've you been?
Never mind that, where are we now.
We are in a dungeon. How do we get out?
Gimme a minute.
I can always flush you down the toilet.
Keep thinking.
I have been... I think you're right.
About what?
Dieter asked where I was. He expected me here. Maybe someone was assigned to bring me here.
Rene?
She works for them.
Now, you're too suspicious.
You were the one who was always suspicious of her!
I was wrong. She tried to help us get away.
She is beautiful.
Not really. Truth is...I was ..jealous. Of you.
Thing is...I think I'm in love with her.
I know it's no good. I've no right to be jealous.
She's in love with you. Anyone can see that.
You're a lucky man.
She's so lovely. It's all my fault...I was wrong.
I don't know how we're gonna get out of this, but we will, somehow.
I want you to know how much I appreciate what you've done.
Awwww...
Don't worry, I owe you a lot. I'm not gonna let us rot here. I'm gonna find us a way out.
I'll get us out of here.
In a way, we're like brothers... I can't have her. I want you to.
What are you doing?
JOE Go to, What the Hell does that mean?!!
GO-TOE. It's some islands.
JOE What does some island have to do with this? It's a mistake?
JOE What abilities...?
I've got twenty hours left. I could die in here. And you're falling in love.
JOE It's not love. It's like. It's real strong like. And I got your information. Now, get off my back!
You just got a Mickey.
Not that truth!
Sorry...
It'll remind me of you.
Doesn't matter.
What part what?
I've seen that before. Never had anyone actually do it.
What is your name?
No!
Oh, I can't.
We've ruined his market in Japan.. Where's Dieter?
I'm against it.
Can you fly this?
I'm...scared.
I didn't do anything.
Nice?
What kind of a deal?
Let us get to the border!
I knew you were trouble.
What happened?
Joe's escaped. Dieter's in him.
In him?
It's a long story.
They have stolen state property.
I knew he was following us. He diverted attention, exposed Ryuji's trap..
Rene?
Impossible.
If there is a POD inside him, We'll find it, and bring it out for study.
Who's our little man?
Me.
No. If anything happened, you'd be stuck in there like he was.
You didn't tell us you were coming?
You've cut your hair?
PEM115!
**?!!
How about a deal?
Surveillance Cameras?
They took the tapes.
You have nothing...
We'll have to let them go.
Must be delayed effects of the drug... I'll get him out of here.
He work for us?
What Job?
Doesn't matter. Then put him away.
Sir?
Private clinic. Best of care. Total privacy. We'll pay all costs.
Bit expensive, sir.
Who is your friend?
We met on the beach.
What are you doing here, where've you been?
I have a new client.
That crazy guy?
Well, I'm glad to see you. Sorry things broke up like that.
It's just money.
Yes?
He's not an ordinary man.
Enough ROmance.
I don't want to intrude.
Al Viola.
That name's familiar.
It is to me too.
...Foreign service.
And how do you service foreigners.
What brings you here?
And...you know Jan Gruner?
Now remember, your short term memory may have been affected.
What?
Your memory.
What about it?
It may have been affected.
Oh.
You may not remember things.
What things?
I don't know...the last couple of hours...last few days.
Oh...that's okay.
When you do...
Do what?
When you remember...
Remember what?
Anything....You call us right away. You got that?
Yeah. If I remember anything... I call ...you
Right.
Who...are you?
Sergeant Finnegan. Name's right there on the card. Are you sure you're alright?
How do I look?
Fine. You look fine.
Thanks.
Well...
Well what?
We're here.
Here?
Home. Your home. The address on your form.
Oh.
Don't you want to get out?
Oh....Sure.
Why don't you lie down until you feel better.
I feel fine.
You'll feel better
I will?
Joe.
What?
Take the card.
Now, Joe, you know it was all a mistake, don't you?
No, it wasn't, It was intentional.
Why would we want to hurt you?
Not you. Them.
Who?
Al?
I'm not going anywhere until you get this guy out of my head.
Ahhh...nothing.
Been complaning of hallucinations.
Not...complaining, actually.
Was quite excited, when he came in...
Sue who?
That Rene...lovely girl...a killer!
I noticed you staring.
And you, there are many places to get away. Why here?
You may you find all the solitude you want.
Don't do it!
Just give me the keys.
How's that for fucking Savoir Fair!
How's that Trucklhouser Beer?
We have Henekin, Kirin... Very good, sir.
Now you know what I know.
About cholesterol...You know what I know, you'd have the seafood.
The fresh tuna?..
Yes...What is it?
What's what?
What do you want?
Nothing.
What did you say?
Nothing.
What?
I said...I didn't say..anything!
Then who did?
Oh...and who is it!?
What do you do about what?
Is someone else here?
No. No one to speak of.
...Blake
Blake?
The poet...something he said...
Blake said that?
I'll be right there.
Where?
Dinner...tonight.
And you.
...right here too.
I can't do that?
Do what?
Let you leave without it.
What's so funny?
Nothing...Al. Why do you talk that way?
What way?
Wait. What's your name?
You mean from it.
And you?
You again.
Me still. They left you alone?
I waited for you.
Why?
I guess it's a combination you don't often see. Apparent attraction..
It's not apparent.
...and sort of...disinterest.
Disinterest?
As if your mind's not all there.
I am sort of scattered.
Can I help?
You are.
Promise you what?
That you're not crazy.
I promise you that. I am not crazy. Course, if I was, I'd be the last to know. Why do you ask?
You talk to yourself.
But I don't listen...then I'd be crazy.
Why do you do it?
If I was with you, I wouldn't
You did.
That was then. This is now. Who am I talking to?
You're talking to me.
And how'm I doing?
You're doing...Okay.
...Ummm, you really work for the foreign service?
...Naw. Made that up.
Who do you work for?
No one. No one at all. I'm unemployed. Who do you?
Trans Ocean Travel.
Is that Ryuji?
No. Ryuji just hires us.
Hires you for what?
To organize things. Meetings and travel...Whenever they come here, I handle details.
How often they come here?
He likes the quiet. They were here last week.
And you, what do you like?
Joe! What happened to you?
Why did you leave?
They left. I had to go with them.
Why did you stay with me?
Wanted to get to know you.
Why?
You seemed interesting.
Who else is interested in me?
What do you mean?
Your friends, did they ask about me?
They kidded me a little.
What did you tell them?
There's not much to tell.
Why did they leave?
I don't know, Ryuji said there was a change of plans.
You work for Ryuji?
Sometimes. I told you I did.
Were you working for him last night?
Last night?
Did he put you up to it? Did he ask you to sleep with me?
No, he didn't do that.
He didn't.
No.
Who did?
I'm not worried, I'm not going to eat it.
You're leaving.
Food doesn't agree with me.
I'm leaving too.
Why?
This business is over.
I'm sorry. What will you do?
Go back to Tokyo. Try to get another tour....You're following GRUNER?
I'm just on vacation.
You know where he went?
What's he done?
He stole something. From a friend of mine.
He must be a good friend.
We're very close.
What'd he steal?
A chip. Goes in a computer.
One chip?
The most important one. Can you help me find him?
How do you know you can trust me?
I don't know. He mentioned a city.
What is it?
Hiroshima.
You don't believe me.
Oh sure.
Then why are you smiling like that?
Lots of my clients are rich guys... They like danger..like playing with drugs and things...running around, acting mysterious.
What's Gruner like?
They'd never talk in front of me. They'd walk away up the beach. Nervous about something.
Who was?
Ryuji and Gruner.
And Dieter.
Friend of Gruner. Just went along for the party.
And you?
Where we going?
This boat doesn't go anywhere. Just toots around the Inland Sea.
Must be a pick-up, a rendezvous.
What?
Now what?
We figure out if it's in here.
How?
That must be him. Water taxi.
Get us one.
Where what?
If Gruner led us away, Who'd he lead us away from?
Hong Kong.
What?
Wait a minute! How'd you know Dieter was coming here?
I asked him.
Why'd you ask him.
He's a client of mine! What's the matter. You can't suspect Dieter. He's a famous photographer. He makes millions.
What?
Chiang Cho?
...across THE BORDER. Come on!
That's not this direction. It's back the other way.
You've been there?
I know the territory.
So do I.
This going to work?
Maybe they're expecting Gruner. I'm gonna be him.
Why not?
Can you?
What happened?
I can't fly it.
Are you alright?
Yes. No. I'm...okay. They can't do this. They can't hold us here.
Looks like they can. What did they do?
They asked about you.
What did you tell them?
That I really don't know.
Now what?
What? Oh, about Dieter, Yes. It was him. Gruner works for him.
What a mess.
You can say that again. What do we do?
What?
They can hold us here forever. Nobody knows about us.
I'm sorry I got you into this.
Don't blame yourself, I didn't have to come along.
Why did you, then?
I encouraged you to come here. My fault as much as yours.
How?
Now what?
Uh...wonderful. I know I'm strange, but in my own way, I love you
Don't worry.
Why not, what are you going to do?
Just like that?
I'll come back for you.
You son of a bitch! You conned me!
Kiss her you fool.
Who are you? Who do you work for?
Doesn't matter. I'm on your side.
I knew it. I told him.
Now what?
He can't help us.
Do something!
Do what? I don't know. I'm no good at this.
You are, I've seen you.
It wasn't me. It was him.
It was you.
He told me what to do.
It was me. He just told me how...I wish he could tell me now.
Come on.
That's twenty feet high.
Riuji?
What is it?
He wants to apologise.
He should do it in person ...I mean ex person.
Yeah...I have to get away.
Must be a fulfilling occupation.
What could you find in this place?
Excuse me?
I can't. He didn't do anything. Thanks to you.
Why are you on to him?
We've had thefts of our new stuff ...GRUNER deals in this... A big deal is going down now. I went to see if GRUNER had anything to sell. But he didn't make any moves...And when you arrived, he backed off.
Why'd you invite me here?
Someone is selling. You followed us. If it's not him, it must be you. If it's not you, it must be him... You scared him off.
What about the others.
Joe Doakes? It's quarter to 10...
I'm sorry. We're running behind. So many applicants...so few jobs... If you'll just have a seat.
I have a seat. I've had it since nine.
Is there anything else?
A drink...
Water fountain's through that door, down the hall.
Wait.
Why?
You can't take that.
Why not?
It's alright.
It is?
It will be fine. You have another.
Just one. The back up.
Could I have it, please.
I can't get it out. It would take hours.
That's alright. Just tear it apart.
Tear it apart?
Yes.
Mom...what are you doing here?
Right there.
This the only spare?
Yes.
The other working.
Ow?...
It'l be alright.
It will.
It doesn't hurt.
Screw the PEM...What about Al...
What'd he say, how's he know about Al?
What does he know?
Look, nobody knows we did it.
It'l take months.
So we better get started.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Daddy.
What's new?
Ms. Laufer gave me a star today.
Yeah? What for?
That's great... Little early for cartoons, isn't it?
Sweetheart, c'mon. C'mon.
Here we go. Deep breaths, deep breaths.
She was playing with the Pooh doll.
I'll take some.
Instant rice...?
Hey, baby. What's wrong?
What's that outside, Daddy?
Did you see somebody or did you hear them?
I heard them.
Where?
He's into kind of little cars, that...
That remote control thing?
Yeah.
Alright, we'll do that tomorrow.
Mom.
Yes, baby?
Let me tell you something, Lowell. Look, look, look. You're talking about two agents in a regional office in Louisville. I got the goddamn Unabomber threatening to blow up LAX! I gotta move 45 agents from all over the country into L.A. Alright? When I get a chance, I'll give it a look...
Just ran into two of your "geologists." Geologists whose hands aren't all chewed up...?
We'll give you a heads up before we launch.
How long?
Three hours.
Well, are you or are you not, Charlie?
You bet we are. And I can't talk to you now.
We gotta hook up.
Sure. Where?
P.J.'s.
When's your deadline?
Monday.
Push it.
What? Forget it.
It's a smear campaign, Charlie.
It's drawn from a selectively circulated...
Oh, it's real selective... about as hard to get a hold of as the Manhattan phone book.
Well, it's authoritative and is overwhelmingly documented.
And it's bullshit. And if I'm right, are you going to put the Journal's reputation behind a story that's going to blow up in your face?
Are you all right?
These are their leads, their sources. I want you to have your reporters...
Suein Hwang and Milo Geyelin.
I want you to get legal onto CORPORATE CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENTS. Boundaries of their constraint. Kentucky state law about. I want you to drop everything.
What does that do?
What do you mean, what's it do?
What I mean is, like, how does it cut through the confidentiality agreement?
Shit...
Oh, we need cops on the street. We don't need them on horses.
I don't know what he was thinking.
Oh, for God's sake, what has this guy got, a horse fetish?
Alright, alright.
When's the air date?
Excuse me, Lowell. Sharon's on line 3.
What was that about?
Get me Wigand.
Sure.
I can't get out of here til mid- morning. I'll be in tomorrow night... Listen, could you call a number for me, it's in Mississippi...
Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'll see if I can find him. Hold on... Yeah, Don's looking for you...
Good.
Can I go to dance tomorrow? I'm better...
Do you want more rice?
Maybe later.
What are you cooking?
I'm cooking pasta primavera.
I heard Wigand's deposition got sealed.
"Tortious interference"? Sounds like a disease caught by a radio.
Since when has the paragon of investigative journalism allowed lawyers to determine the news content on "60 Minutes"?
Yeah, I heard rumors.
Are you suggesting that she and Eric are influenced by money?
Oh, no, of course they're not influenced by money. They work for free. And you are a Volunteer Executive Producer.
CBS does not do that. And, you're questioning our journalistic integrity?!
No, I'm questioning your hearing! You hear "reasonable" and "tortious interference." I hear... "Potential Brown & Williamson lawsuit jeopardizing the sale of CBS to Westinghouse." I hear... "Shut the segment down. Cut Wigand loose. Obey orders. And fuck off...!" That's what I hear.
You're exaggerating!
I am? You pay me to go get guys like Wigand, to draw him out. To get him to trust us, to get him to go on television. I do. I deliver him. He sits. He talks. He violates his own fucking confidentiality agreement. And he's only the key witness in the biggest public health reform issue, maybe the biggest, most-expensive corporate-malfeasance case in
You are a fanatic. An anarchist. You know that? If we can't have a whole show, then I want half a show rather than no show. But oh, no, not you. You won't be satisfied unless you're putting the company at risk!
So, what are you going to do?
Well, what do you think I'm going to do? Quit in protest? I'm not going to do that.
You're taking "no" for an answer?
No. I'm not going to take "no" for an answer. No.
I'm staying right here. Doing my job. Fighting to get my show on the air. You don't like it? Hey, I'll tell you what... fire my ass...
What the hell are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing? I'm editing.
No, not that. I'm talking about the Associated Press. They got this story that we pulled this interview and they talked to Mike and I. Did you tell them that we were lying?
No. I should have. I told them I disagreed with you, Mike and Kluster that this segment is as good as the original. I'm not lying for you. I'm not gonna shut up for you. Not on any of it.
The New York Times ran a blow by blow of what we talked about behind closed doors! You fucked us!
There has been so much soul searching about this Wigand, I've decided we should cut an alternate version of the show without his interview.
So, what happened to Ms. Caperelli's checking with outside counsel first, all that crap?
That's happening. And, hopefully we won't have to use the alternate, but we should have it in the can.
I'm not touching my film...
I'm afraid you are.
No, I'm not...
So, now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, Mr. Rather's been complaining about his chair again. As they start to leave...
And what are you implying?
Did you handle the round, Mr. Wigand?
A gun? Yes.
What caliber is your gun?
What caliber is my gun?
Yes, sir. What caliber is your gun?
You think I put that bullet in the mailbox myself...?
That bullet was for a .38 caliber. Do you own a .38?
Yes, I do. A .38 Target Master. In my gun safe downstairs. A .45 Gold Cup. A .22 target pistol. So what?
Do you have a history of emotional problems, Mr. Wigand?
You can't take that... It's personal property...!
We have a search warrant, Mr. Wigand. There's been a death threat.
That computer has everything...
Debbie...
Oh, Bill... Main Justice is investigating a major New York bank. Laundering narco dollars out of their Mexico City branch. You want it for the Evening News?
What about you, you got a crew already?
I'm gonna do a follow-up.
Okay.
Shall I send for coffee? Sorry I'm late.
No, no, we're fine...
If this holds up, and it very well may not, Mike... but, if it did. And we aired this segment? And CBS was sued by Brown & Williamson? I think we could be at grave risk.
How grave?
Mike... Mike... Mike...
What does that mean? "Rife with -- ?"
I'm told unusual promises were made to Wigand.
No, only that we would hold the story until it was safe for him...
And, I'm told there are questions as to our "star witness'" veracity.
His "veracity" was good enough for the State of Mississippi.
Well, as a "standard"... I'll hang with "is the guy telling the truth?"
Well, with tortious interference, I'm afraid... the greater the truth, the greater the damage.
Come again?
They own the information he's disclosing. The truer it is, the greater the damage to them. If he lied, he didn't disclose their information. And the damages are smaller.
Is CBS corporate telling CBS News do not go to air with this story?
Hey, Lowell.
How are you, Jim?
Hi, baby.
How prominent? What kind of placement?
Oh, c'mon, Lowell. This is The New York Times. I don't know...
Well, until you do, all I can tell you is what you already know... they will not air an interview.
Hello?
Here's how it works. You ask me questions. I tell you if you're wrong.
Okay. Lowell?
Yeah?
You're sure you want to do this?
Why?
Hey, it doesn't work? You've burned your bridges, man.
You ready...?
Lowell?
Did I tell you you were wrong?
I can take her.
Don't you have to be at the office?
Is there any more rice...?
I'm sorry, darling, have you seen my coffee mug...?
Uh, what are those boxes?
I'm going to the store. You need anything?
What do you need at the store?
Soy sauce...
Right now?
That's my stuff from the office...
Why did you take your stuff from the office?
I didn't want to leave it there...
I don't understand.
I got fired this morning... Where else am I gonna take it?
Why? Who said?
Thomas Sandefur...
There's a severance agreement... It includes cash payouts over time and continuing medical coverage... Sure you don't need anything?
What's going on?
...taping? What are you taping?
I'm doing an interview.
Please don't wash your hands in the sink.
Where should I wash them?
Use the bathroom.
What's the difference...
I don't think I can do this... I want to stand by my husband... I really do, Jeffrey. But I don't think I can do this anymore. I am so sorry...
Can we talk about this when I get back?
Thank you, Bob.
Who's calling?
My name's Lowell Bergman... I'm --
Did you say Berman?
No, Bergman... B.E.R.G.M.A.N.... I'm a producer with "60 Minutes"...
"60 Minutes"?
Yeah.
"60 Minutes," the television show?
Oh, someone took a poll? "Are all things Canadian boring...?"
It's Stuart... he's in Mexico City...
No classes this morning?
Will independent sources corroborate that?
Let me see this... No, 'cause I gotta know where you're going at all times.
Two p.m. Great. Bye-bye.
...no... this looks like a table of temperatures... Who's this from?
...it's anonymous. References to "P.M." It's got to be Philip Morris, huh?
What's wrong?
They're killing the Wigand interview...
What?!
They're pretending it's process. Bullshit, it's foregone.
What are you and Mike going to do?
I'm alone on this...
Jeffrey Wigand...
"I'm Lowell Bergman, I'm from '60 Minutes.'" You know, you take the "60 Minutes" out of that sentence, nobody returns your phone call. Maybe Wigand's right. Maybe I'm hooked. What am I hooked on? The rush? "60 Minutes"? What the hell for? Infotainment. It's so fucking useless, all of it.
So, it's a big country with a free press. You can go work somewhere else.
Free press? Press is free... for anyone who owns one. Larry Tisch has a free press.
Get some perspective, Lowell.
I got perspective.
No, you do not.
From my perspective, what's been going on and what I've been doing is ridiculous. It's half-measures.
Yeah...
...you fucked me!
Is it too late?
Oh, my God.
You're not even on this anymore... What do you care?
Yes, I'm right here. Could you call me back on a hard line?
Alright.
Area code 212-555-0199.
...you filed a lawsuit against tobacco on behalf of the State of Mississippi, did you not?
That's right...
Well, I'm working with someone, now, who was the former head of research at Brown & Williamson, a former corporate officer there.
What's your interest in this, Mr. Bergman?
Has he decided to go public? Because let me tell you, we've been doing this for three years now, and we've worked with a lot of corporate cases involving whistle-blowers, so we know... Big Tobacco will do everything in their power to stop him. So, is your man truly committed?
Well, we'd certainly be interested in making his acquaintance, but without knowing what he's going to do...
Well, would you want him to call you? Or, you want to call him? How do you want to do it?
It would be better if he called us.
Yeah.
Alright?
Yeah, I'm here.
...I'd be lying to you if I did not tell you how important it was in the court of public opinion...
...and I'd be lying to you if I didn't tell you, I'm about out of moves, Dick...
We're there.
Good, well ask him if Arabic is his second language.
...come in earlier on Mike's Marine barracks line when he's talking to Sheikh Mussawi...
You eating with us?
Yeah.
He referred to this... the Seven Dwarfs...
What "Seven Dwarfs?"
Well, it isn't "cigarettes are bad for you"...
Hardly new news.
No shit.
Okay, let's look through the looking glass the other way...
What do you mean?
We got a guy... who wants to talk but he's constrained. What if he were "compelled"?
So, is everything okay?
Thank you for saying that...
Do you think we could talk about the taping? Tomorrow's taping, just so we can get it out of the way and order...
Oh, man.
Who are these people?
It went great in Mississippi, Mike.
I think what we're trying to tell you is that it happens all the time. This is a news organization. People are always telling us things they shouldn't. We have to verify if it's true and in the public interest... And if it is, we air it.
I discovered this. SEC filing... For the sale of the CBS Corporation to Westinghouse Corporation.
Lowell.
"Put the corporation at risk"...? Give me a fucking break!
Lowell.
These people are putting our whole reason for doing what we do... on the line!
Lowell!
What?
I've been banished. In lieu of being fired.
I took off on Tisch. I took off on corporate. They'll know they're not going to see everything on Sunday night...
I don't know. How does that get Wigand on the air?
Yeah.
You disappeared on me. How long you staying?
I disappeared on you?
Alright. What did you think?
Did I get you up?
How many shows have we done? Huh? C'mon, how many?
Oh, lots.
Yeah, that's right.
But in all that time, Mike, did you ever get off a plane, walk into a room, and find that a source for a story changed his mind? Lost his heart? Walked out on us? Not one fucking time! You want to know why?
I see a rhetorical question on the horizon.
I'm going to tell you why. Because when I tell someone I'm going to do something, I deliver.
Oh, how fortunate I am to have Lowell Bergman's moral tutelage to point me down the shining path. To show me the way.
Oh, please, Mike...
Give me a break!
No, you give me a break! I never left a source hung out to dry, ever. Abandoned. Not 'til right fucking now! When I came on this job, I came with my word intact. I'm gonna leave with my word intact. Fuck the rules of the game! Hell, you're supposed to know me, Mike. What the hell did you expect? You expect me to
In the real world, when you get to where I am, there are other considerations...
Like what? Corporate responsibility? What, are we talking celebrity here?
Mike... in my...
That Canada story? Still interest you?
C'mon, it all worked out. You came out okay in the end...
Coffee?
Yeah... Thank you.
How have you liked your stay?
Please to explain, why I should agree to interview... with pro-Zionist American media?
Perhaps you prove journalism objectivity and I see the questions first. Then I decide if I grant the interview.
Tell him I will see him day after tomorrow.
Who's that?
How do you like your coffee? Black?
Look, I really don't have that much time...
Is there anything you want to know about me, Mr. Wigand...?
I know what I have to know.
Just so I know you know, when I talk to people in confidence, it stays that way.
...but that's as far as I go...
Far as you go where?
Doesn't CBS have confidentiality agreements, Mr. Bergman?
Between journalists and management, yes, I believe they do... but I don't take that seriously. Where do you work?
Did work.
Did work.
How much would I get paid?
Should I just take the documents now?
...protect your sources...! You screwed me! You sold me out!
What are you talking about? Where are you?
Mrs. Wigand, how do you do?
Jump in, quick, c'mon...
C'mere. I want to talk to you.
What do...
I did not burn you. I did not give you up to anyone!
This is my house... In front of my wife, my kids?! What business do we have?
To straighten something out with you. Right here. Right now.
So, you didn't mention my name? You haven't talked to anybody about me?
Why am I gonna mention your name?
How did Brown & Williamson know I spoke to you...?
How the hell do I know about Brown & Williamson?
It happened after I talked to you. I do not like coincidences!
And I don't like paranoid accusations! I'm a journalist. Think. Use your head. How do I operate as a journalist by screwing the people who could provide me with information before they provided me with it?
You came all the way down here to tell me that?
And, I'm unemployed. So I have to protect my medical coverage. ...so I left them a message this morning. Their expanded confidentiality agreement? I will sign it.
They're afraid of you, aren't they?
Talk to me outside the zone of your agreement?
Like what?
Like where'd you work before Brown & Williamson?
Johnson & Johnson. Union Carbide in Japan. I was general manager and director of new products. I speak Japanese. I was a director of corporate development at Pfizer. All health-related. What else? Outside the "zone"...?
Seven dwarfs?
The seven CEOs of Big Tobacco... they got up in front of Congress that time... it was on television...
...and swore under oath that they know nothing about addiction, disease...
It was on C-SPAN. Yeah.
Okay, so, here you are... you go to work for tobacco. You come from corporate cultures where research, really, creative thinking, these are core values. You go to tobacco... Tobacco is a sales culture. Market and sell enormous volume. Go to a lot of golf tournaments. The hell with everything else. What are you doing? Why are you working for "tobacco" in the first
I've always thought of myself... as a man of science. That's what's wrong with it.
The new place? New.
You know, I was thinking of calling you tomorrow, anyway. How are your kids handling the new house?
No, you said you were going to call me tomorrow. So, what about?
Oh, yes, yes, yes, I did... I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to hook up and talk to you. About what we were talking about in your car.
...okay.
How'd you know that, Lowell?
Hello. You there
Yeah... Look, thanks for talking. I'm sorry I woke you up.
What did you get us?
The internet said you did graduate work in Wisconsin, then went to UC La Jolla with Professor... Marcus?
Marcuse. Yeah. He was my mentor. He had a major influence on the New Left in the late '60s... and on me, personally.
Next to your father?
My father? What the hell's that got to do with my father?
Is that why you became a journalist? Then you get to ask all the questions?
You charge by the hour?
My father was a mechanical engineer... most ingenious man I ever knew.
Well, my father left us when I was five-years old. He was not the most ingenious man I ever knew... Let's get back to Brown & Williamson. If you decide to go on "60 Minutes," I got to know everything about why you got fired.
Why?
They're gonna dig up stuff from your past, they're gonna throw it at you. I got to know what they're gonna throw. You understand?
I drink. A couple of occasions more than I should have. I was cited for shoplifting once. But it was a mistake... I pushed Liane one time. We were both stressed out because of the pressure. She went to her mother's. I got fired because when I get angry I have difficulty censoring myself. And I don't like to be pushed around!
I'm not pushing you around! I'm asking you questions.
I'm just a commodity to you, aren't I? I could be anything. Right? Anything worth putting on between commercials...
You believe that?
No.
You should. Because when you're done, a judgment is going to go down in the court of public opinion, my friend. And that's the power you have.
You believe that?
I believe that? Yes, I believe that.
You believe that because you get information out to people... something happens?
Yes.
Maybe that's just what you've been telling yourself all these years to justify having a good job? Having status? And maybe for the audience, it's just voyeurism? Something to do on a Sunday night. And maybe it won't change a fucking thing. And people like myself and my family are left hung out to dry. Used up! Broke, alone!
Are you talking to me or did somebody else just walk in here?! I never abandoned a source!
I don't think you really understand --
No, don't evade a choice you gotta make be questioning my reputation or "60 Minutes'" with this cheap skepticism!
I have to put my family's welfare on the line here, my friend! And what are you puttin' up? You're puttin' up words!
Excuse me. Yeah...
Jeff, call the FBI right away...
They do this with impunity!
Jeff...
Good. But Jeff...
Liane, this is a preliminary... You didn't tell her we were taping? What did she think she was coming to New York for?
Lowell, I can't afford --
I called Richard Scruggs in Mississippi...
I heard.
I'm going to be a witness for them in their litigation. So I'm going to fly to Pascagoula to give a deposition...
I know. I'm going to go there tonight...
You attract a crowd.
Yeah, great.
I heard about the Kentucky gag order...
What's changed?
You mean... since this morning?
"Part of the reason I'm here is I felt that their representation clearly, at least within..."
I don't know how to say this, Jeff, except to just say it right out, so I'll say it. They do not want to air it.
What?!
B & W may have threatened litigation... CBS is on the block... But you, I mean, I know how...
No.
No? No, what?
Oh, you know what we do or do not need to know? Since when have you become a media expert?
I told the truth!
...I was young. I was young... confused... We didn't handle it the right way...
She sued you for back payments of child support?
Yes. Did you lie about being on the American Judo Team in the Olympics?
What?
Some public relations guy got a hold of a tape of an interview... where you're saying you were on the American Judo Team in the Olympics...?
Alright... the ABC Telemarketing Company?
ABC...?
ABC Telemarketing Company.
That's the whole point, Jeffrey. That's the whole point. Anyone's. Everyone's. They are gonna look under every rock, dig up every flaw, every mistake you've ever made. They are going to distort and exaggerate everything you've ever done, man. Don't you understand?
What does this have to do with my testimony?
That's not the point.
What does this have to do with my testimony?! I told the truth! It's valid and true and provable!
That's not the fucking point, whether you told the truth or not! Hello...?
I've got to teach class. I've got to go. I've got to teach class.
You manipulated me into this...!
That's bullshit, Jeff!
You greased the rails!
I greased the rails for a guy who wanted to say yes. I helped him to say yes. Alright. You're not a robot, Jeff! That's all. You got a mind of your own, don't you?
"Up to you, Jeffrey. That's the power you have, Jeffrey. Vital insider information the American public need to know." Lowell Bergman, the hot show who never met a source he couldn't turn around.
I fought for you... and I still fight for you.
You fought for me...?! ...you manipulated me... into where I am now... staring at the Brown & Williamson Building. It's all dark. Except the 10th floor! That's the legal department. That's where they fuck with my life!
Where are you, anyway?
I'm on a leave of absence. Forced vacation.
You try and have a good time.
I think I need to call the police. He won't respond...
Did he hear you?
What about now?
What?
What's happening?!
He doesn't seem to be listening...
Alright, now listen to me. I want you -- I want you to tell him, in these words: get on the fucking phone...!
I can't say that!
Just give me an example...
We have a couple. One's hers, one's mine. Everybody uses a different name. Modern marriage. How's Liane?
Hold on a minute, Lowell... ...somebody... may be following me. I don't know. They came on the property...
What do you mean followed you? Did you call the police?
I don't want to be paranoid... I mean, maybe it's a game. Some kind of mind game.
Well, what do you really think, though?
Well, no, look... I mean, there was a footprint. Forget it. It's probably not important at all. You know, I got a job now. I'm teaching high school. Japanese and Chemistry. So, what were you calling about?
What are you talking about?
I heard you. But I got to arrange a legal defense first. I got to get you to testify in court, get it on public record.
Jeffrey, how are you? How's the family, okay?
There is -- there is no family.
What do you mean there is no family?
And, so, I moved out... I see the girls a couple of days a week...
Where you staying now?
Jeff Wigand, Michael Moore.
Good to meet you, Dr. Wigand.
Mike's our Attorney General down here. I was just explaining to Jeff, they got a Kentucky court to issue a gag order to stop his deposition today.
Right.
Now, they tried to get the Mississippi Court to honor it, but the judge threw it out... However, for you, there is a more perilous effect to the Kentucky gag order...
You heard Mr. Sandefur say before Congress that he believed nicotine was not addictive...?
All of us did. There was this whole line of people... whole line of CEOs up there all swearing.
Part of the reason I'm here is I felt that their representation clearly misstated, at least within Brown & Williamson's representation, clearly misstated... what is common language within the company... we are in the nicotine delivery business.
And that's what cigarettes are for...?
A delivery device for nicotine.
A delivery device for nicotine. Put it in your mouth, light it up, and you're gonna get your fix...
You're gonna get your fix...
You're saying that Brown & Williamson manipulates and adjusts the nicotine fix, not by artificially adding nicotine, but by enhancing the effect of nicotine through the use of chemical elements such as ammonia...
The process is known as "impact boosting..." While not spiking nicotine, they clearly manipulate it. There's extensive use of this technology, know as "ammonia chemistry." It allows for the nicotine to be more rapidly absorbed in the lung and therefore affect the brain and central nervous system.
The straw that broke the camel's back for me and really put me in trouble with Sandefur was a compound called "coumarin." When I came on board at B&W, they had tried to transition from coumarin to a similar flavor that would give the same taste, and had been unsuccessful. I wanted it out immediately. I was told that it would affect sales, so
And you sent the document forward to Sandefur?
I sent the document forward to Sandefur. I was told that we would continue to work on a substitute, we weren't going to remove it as it would impact sales, and that that was his decision.
In other words, you were charging Sandefur and Brown & Williamson with ignoring health considerations consciously...
Most certainly.
And on March 24, Thomas Sandefur, CEO of Brown & Williamson had you fired. And the reason he gave you?
Poor communication skills.
And, do you wish you hadn't come forward? You wish you hadn't blown the whistle?
"I would bet on it."
"You wish you hadn't blown the whistle?"
Object to the form of the question!
It acts as a drug on the body?
Object to the form!
It acts as a...
Object!
There an echo in here? Your objection's been recorded. She typed it into her little machine over there. It's on the record. So now I'll proceed with my deposition of my witness. Does it act as a drug?
Dr. Wigand. I am instructing you... ...not to answer that question in accordance to the terms of the contractual obligations undertaken by you not to disclose any information about your work at the Brown & Williamson Tobacco Company. And in accordance with the force and effect of the temporary restraining order that has been entered against you to by the court in the State
Hello.
Mr. Scruggs, Jeff Wigand. Lowell Bergman said I should give you a call...
My co-counsel, Ron Motley, and I have filed a lawsuit against the tobacco industry on behalf of the State of Mississippi to get the state reimbursed Medicaid costs for treating people with smoking-related illness. If you'd be interested in talking to us, we'd certainly like to talk to you...
Jail?
Possibly, yes. That is one of the possible consequences of your testifying here today. That's right...
Jeff's a premiere golfer... What are you, a two handicap?
Seven...
And, he gets out there and he has five strokes on us. He has more concentration than anybody I've ever met. It's spooky how he can concentrate.
Jeffrey says exactly what's on his mind. Most people consider what they're saying... social skills... Jeffrey just charges right ahead. Now, I know you understood the nature of the confidentiality portion of your severance agreement with Brown & Williamson, Jeff...
Chapter and verse.
Is that a threat?
...we worked together for, what was it, three years...? Now, the work we did here is confidential, not for public scrutiny... any more than are one's family matters...
You threatening my family, now, too?
Now, don't be paranoid, Jeff. About the direction of research here, we may have had our differences of opinion...
"Research..." You declare, as a badge of honor, you don't even know what makes water boil...
That's why we hire scientists...
Okay. I don't believe you can maintain corporate integrity without confidentiality agreements. I was paid well for my work. The health and welfare benefits are good. The severance package is fair. I have no intention of violating my confidentiality agreement and disclosing that which I said I wouldn't.
Yes. Your husband did show remarkable foresight in taking those pictures. And, yes, absent a swimming pool, the presence of the pool man would appear to be suspicious. But Bonnie, who is the real victim here? Let me suggest the following. Your husband, who on a prior occasion slapped you -- beat you --
Well, I wouldn't say --
Your husband, who has beaten you -- repeatedly --
He --
Please -- was at the time brandishing your firearm, trying in his rage to shoot an acquaintance -- friend of long standing --
They hate each other --
Miles, how nice of you to see us -- may I introduce Howard D. Doyle of Doyle Oil.
Yeah. I know. Leather would be more practical, but whatcha gonna do?
Sixteen years? Howard Jr. is fourteen and Mandy must be what -- twelve?
Honey, I don't think this is really relevant to...
...and one day, this sweet girl calls me, asks me to lunch. Just a shoulder to cry on deal. One thing leads to another and before I know it --
Baby. You are so HOT!
As you are well aware, my previous marriage ended with an unjustified strain on my reputation My motives were questioned. I was slandered in court.
You did good, Massey!
Therefore in an effort to remove any trace of suspicion from my sweet Howard -- I wish to execute a pre- nuptial agreement.
And -- there's no talking her out of it. Believe me, I've tried.
They say the Massey pre-nup has never been penetrated.
Course I can't do much "wriggling" if you tie me up like that again. Massey -- this is one bad bad little girl.
Oh. Right. Won't you have a seat?
And how is Mrs. Reiser?
Few suicide attempts, little inpatient stint. Naturally, she misses her kids. Six weekends a year and alternate Yom Kippurs seemed harsh to us but -- hey -- all's fair. Anyhoo, she lives with a "nurse," takes her meds and goes to occupational therapy at a local sheltered workshop.
So she's uh, flourishing?
Muh -- Well, uh -- Huh?
I... uh guess congratulations are in order.
No!
What a touching story.
Harvard? Whoa, Daddy!
-- understand what you're asking for here. The Massey pre-nup provides that in the event of a dissolution of the marriage for any reason, both parties shall leave it with whatever they brought in, and earned during. No one can profit from the marriage. The pre-nup protects the wealthier party.
Well -- at the moment, that'd be me.
And without it, that party is exposed -- a sitting duck. No wriggle room.
A Wriggle Room! Maybe we should put that in the Malibu house. Screw the screening room!
Excuse me, Mr. Doyle, if I could just borrow your charming fiancee for a moment.
What part?
I'd just like to have a word with her.
I am here representing Mr. Dumbarton, on a... matter of some delicacy.
Who's the pigeon?
Excuse me?
Who do you want me to kill?
Well -- I, uh, that is to say Mr. Dumbarton -- would like you to uh, neutralize a, uh, business associate by the name of Marylin Rexroth Doyle Massey uh Dumbart -- uh, Massey.
Is that... one person?
You're in a rush.
Whoever sent you, I'll pay double.
Is this Mr. Dumbarton?
That's his lawyer.
Triple!
You're calling me a pestilence? That's a hoot!
Lemme tell you something. You are the pestilence. I'm the exterminator.
Well, actually, all whores worship the dollar, if you want to get technical.
Objection, your honor!
Grounds?
Who's next, Mrs. Rabinow.
We rest, Your Honor.
Objection, Your Honor. This isn't about Mrs. Rexroth's filial obligations.
She got absolutely nothing. Zero. Zip.
So. I won't be seeing her? Your clients usually visit me after the settlement.
Not this one. Not unless her HMO covers plastic surgery, which, incidentally, she does not need.
Everyone needs plastic surgery. You need it.
I don't need it.
You want Botox?
What the hell is Botox?
It's a form of botulism. I just inject it into your forehead, and it paralyzes your eyebrows so you can't raise them...
Why in God's name would I want...?
No frown lines. New watch?
It's a LeCoultre Revers. You can flip the face, and set it for two time zones.
Why would you need two time zones? You never leave Beverly Hills.
It was a gift from a client.
Set one side for Bel Air.
Botox. Christ. We had aspirations when we were in college.
We did not.
You were going to be a Cardiac Surgeon. I was going to clerk for the Supreme Court.
I was going to play golf. You were going to have Asian girlfriends.
You're in check.
Do you think I'm going to end up like Herb Myerson, with a colostomy bag instead of a family?
Got any symptoms?
Yes. The inability to experience pleasure.
Oh. That. Don't waste time with your queen.
What?
The Center Counter Defense. The thing is not to move your queen too early.
She can't really love that idiot, can she?
What?
Marylin Rexroth. She came into my office and signed a pre-nup with Howard Doyle.
Doyle Oil? A Massey Pre-nup? She loves him.
He's the wrong man.
I'm happy for you, pal.
Thanks, buddy.
Is she Asian?
Asian? No.
I have it.
You have the pre-nup?
No. I have the ring. Was I supposed to have a pre-nup?
No. You have the ring. Wrigley has the pre-nup.
They won't get a conviction. The husband called it in as a suicide. The forensic guys weren't thinking murder. I'm sure some of the evidence was compromised.
It's your move, Miles.
My God.
What?
That was Marvin Untermeyer.
Yes?
He was Rex Rexroth's personal attorney.
What do you mean, was.
I'm sorry to hear that. But you weren't close, were you?
Marvin says that Rex's will is four years old. He never redrafted it.
She's rich. We're still married. We have no pre-nup.
Who was that?
That was -- oh, shit. What if he's on his way over there?
Marylin! What have I done?
Mrs. Guttman, you have testified that you were your husband's sexual slave for thirty-six years, ever since you were married --
Except for two years when he was in the Navy, in Korea.
Prior to your marriage, what was your profession?
I was a hostess. For Trans-World Airlines.
What is your husband's profession?
So who'd you hire?
You should have tried to get pregnant Marylin -- solidify your position.
No.
You like kids.
It was like that scene in The Godfather. Frankie Pentangeli is called to testify against the Family. And he's in court, and he looks into the spectators gallery, and sees his Brother. They brought the brother from Sicily. And Frankie can't say a word. He can't testify. That's what it was like seeing Pat in there. I couldn't even have Ruth cross examine her.
Why do you think she did it?
Maybe she wanted a free trip to LA. Maybe they offered her money. Massey is very seductive. Who knows.
I begged you to have a baby!
You're vulnerable.
You said 'yes' didn't you?
Is Tong older than Ming?
Well. He said to "make the house mine."
Oh boy. If he only knew.
It sounded like a bell.
-- Ruth Rabinow, this is Rex Rexroth. And you must be Mrs. Rexroth.
How nice.
These are yours.
I assume this is on Rex?
Your husband told me you were beautiful, but I was unprepared.
Do you have a hard heart, Marylin.
Did you see the tape?
Not yet.
Tell me Mr. Massey. What was your performance about this afternoon?
What does your lawyer think?
Ruth says you've been too successful, that you're bored, complacent, and you're on your way down.
But you don't agree?
How do you know?
Why would you be here?
I'll have the tournedos of beef. And the lady will have the same? I assume you're a carnivore.
"Who ever lov'd that lov'd not at first sight?"
You didn't ask me here to pick me up. You could get in trouble for that.
Not really. You're not my client. Freedom of association. Big issue with the First Amendment fans. Want to go to Hawaii for the weekend?
Have you ever been married, Miles?
No.
You don't believe in it.
As a matter of fact, I'm a huge fan.
You just haven't met the right person.
All right, Miles. Let me tell you everything you THINK you know. I was married to Rex for a long time. I was an excellent wife, a partner, a lover, a hostess and a friend. There was only one thing I did wrong during the five years we were together. I got five years older. Think he should be able to ditch me for
He wants a reconciliation.
See the tape. Then we can discuss reconciliation. Rex screwed up and I nailed his ass. Now I'm going to have it mounted and have my girlfriends over to throw darts at it. Then I'm getting on with my life. That's all I'm after.
Gotcha.
What is it you're after, Miles?
Oh, I'm a lot like you -- just looking for an ass to mount.
Yes. I loved my husband, Rex.
And you hoped to spend the rest of your life with him?
He'll regret this.
Oh, for the love of...
That is true, isn't it Miles? Your pre-nup is the best there is?
-- we are both sure that's what we want?
Getting married.
To him? He's a sick freak.
He's passionate.
Passionate! He's a pervert. He should have to register when he moves.
All girls enjoy a little rough trade from time to time.
Marylin! Listen to me.
No. You listen to me. You busted me, Miles. You left me with nothing! What did you expect me to do? Get a degree in counseling? Write a book about table linen? Because that's what wives do when they get dumped, and frankly, I'm not quite ready for that.
But why him?
The Massey pre-nup has never been pene -- successfully challenged.
So I hear. Is that all?
I'd like to offer my congratulations. That was a beautiful gesture of Howard's.
Howard is a beautiful person.
Yes. He's a diamond in the rough. And I have a feeling that someday soon you'll be taking that diamond and leaving the rough.
Miles. Miles. Miles.
I am thrilled for you, but tell me this... How'd you get Howard to do it? I've addressed enough juries to appreciate the power of suggestion, but it seemed like he thought it was his own idea.
It was his idea. It was a gesture of love and trust. Be happy for me, Miles.
Well, when this goes south -- promise you'll have dinner with me?
Have you tried the duck?
It has bones. Be sure to swallow one.
To victory.
I don't feel victorious Miles. I feel betrayed, abandoned and humiliated. I have pictures of him with another woman...
More pictures? My God, Marylin. You can open an erotic art gallery.
Did you invite me here to score some cheap laughs.
No. Just to comfort you, and appreciate you --
Hello?
Miles?
Yes? Marylin?
You're right about me. I am worthless. I am nothing. I don't deserve to live.
Marylin? When did I say...?
Screw you, asswipe!
Marylin? Forgive me but are you -- drunk?
A little. You get out of the car. That's right, Fuctard. I'm talkin' to you!
You shouldn't be driving. Where are you?
I'm on Sunset. Near the Beverly Hills hotel. Wanna meet me for a drink in the Polo...?
I live right near there. The 800 Block of Maple. Come here. Marylin -- come here right now before -- just come here.
Okay. Should I stop at Starbucks and pick up a blended for --
No. Don't stop.
You have a very nice home, Miles. Very inviting.
Thank you.
You have wonderful art. I love that lithograph. Hockney?
Yes. I just got that, actually. It was a gift.
From a -- girlfriend.
No. No. I don't have a... no. It was from a client.
No kidding. I'll bet you have some very grateful clients. What'd Rex buy you?
Is that you?
Me. Yes.
Oh. And that is -- mom?
Yeah. Mom. Mom and brother.
Hmmm...
And your mother was very beautiful. She must be proud of you.
She never particularly cared for me.
She didn't love you?
No. She loved me. She would never not love her son. She just didn't... I wasn't her "type." She said I was a very, colicky baby. You know? Difficult. Not a good sleeper? Didn't eat well? We got off to a bad start, and she never seemed to recoup --
She held that against you?
Apparently she was very disappointed.
And here I thought my mother was...
Your mother was.
We're damaged goods.
No, we're not!
We are, Miles. You know I'm right. There's something "off" about you and me Miles. And maybe it isn't because of these women -- maybe they were just extremely insightful and recognized our "deficiencies" very early on. Maybe...
That is bullshit! Mine is a bitch and yours is a psycho. I can't believe you're saying this, Marylin! There's nothing wrong with us. We're attractive and charismatic and successful and... I like us.
I'm sorry Miles. You shouldn't listen to me. I'm sure you have a very fulfilling life. I'd better go. I'm depressing.
No.
Friends?
I have to say -- I'm speechless. No. I'm never speechless.
I'm a little embarrassed. I'm not used to losing control with such -- volume.
And I'm not used to -- Marylin -- there's something I want to ask you.
What is it Miles?
I want to be your -- your wife.
Huh?
No... That wasn't right. I want YOU to be MY wife.
Did you just propose to me?
Yes. I am. What else could those words mean? I believe we belong together and we can make one another happy. And we should be happy because happiness is better than the alternative which is -- just jump in any old time, Marylin. You have more experience at this than I do.
Yes.
Yes? Yes, you do have more experience?
Yes, Miles. I accept.
You do?
Do you want me to sleep on it?
No.
Do you want to sleep on it?
No ma'am. I have been asleep all my life up to this moment. Marylin, will you marry me?
I don't have a ring!
I know.
Wasn't she the Judge at my divorce hearing?
No. Judge -- just a sec. But Marylin, if we sign it, I can't hope to benefit from the marriage.
Oh Miles!
But?
I'm sorry. I'm squishing you. I'll move to the...
Honey, I could sit...
In fact, this is not a married house -- it's a bachelor pad.
Hardly. You have six bedrooms
Here's my card. Spend as much as you want. We get mileage.
Well, I suppose I could "girly" it up for you with a little Fortuny, and some passementerie --
Good. Are those foods?
Fabric and fringe.
Exactly. And then -- maybe -- not right away -- There's a room right off the bedroom -- It would be perfect for a nursery. It's a walk in humidor right now -- but if I took out the refrigeration unit --
Miles.
Hi.
Hello Marylin.
I have a surprise for you.
You don't like me?
I love you. I want to have your baby.
Miles. I have a very good relationship with all the salesmen. I can return everything.
Can you Marylin? Can you return the trust? Can you return the hopes? The dreams? Can you just... SEND IT ALL BACK FOR STORE CREDIT?
Miles? You're scaring me.
Well. Well. Well. Look who made bail!
May I come in?
I don't know. Maybe I should grab my mace. I'm a civil attorney. I have little experience with "the criminal mind."
I'd just like to pick up a few of my things
I don't believe you have "things."
Comfy!
What do you want?
I want to nail you ass.
Are you threatening me, because I'm sure that's a violation of the terms of your bail.
I'm reporting you to the IRS.
I'm clean with the IRS. I've reported every dollar I've ever made. Try again, girlfriend.
STUFF. Got a light?
Arty Farty stuff. Lithographs and pre Castro Cubans. Watches and mileage on private jets. Stuff, Miles. Stuff you get from grateful clients.
Those are gifts.
Salary. Unreported income. By the way, what time IS it on Bellagio Road?
You can't prove anything.
I don't have to. That's what the IRS guys do. And they do it with great zeal. See, they work at these tortuous civil service jobs, and when five hundred dollar an hour boys like you take their trade out in luxury goodies, these saps feel.. well, they feel like saps. And they feel bitter and they feel vengeful and they feel WRATH. What
You're out of your league, Marylin. Rexroth was a primate. I'm a professional.
I know. So am I, right? And so is Agent Wilson of the Internal Revenue Service. He's a dedicated, underpaid graduate of Southwestern University -- very tenacious, and never more so than when he's dealing with an unscrupulous colleague. I think it's only fair to warn you: I'm going to file an action, Miles. And after a decent interval I plan to have Ruth
Meaning my house.
I believe the residence will be part of the settlement.
Did our marriage ever mean anything to you?
Drop the bogus forgery charge and I'll forget about your generous friends slash clients.
That's blackmail.
Hello?
Marylin?
Miles? Miles! Where have you been? I've been trying to get in touch.
You have to leave the house immediately!
I will, Miles. I will leave. But Miles --
No buts. Now. Out.
Just listen to me. I'm sorry, Miles. It's true that my initial intention was to...
Please! Leave the house.
I fell in love Miles.
So did I. Now pack up a few basics and --
It's a no go, Joe.
Marylin!
Wait! He works for YOU?
Now. But first, he worked for you.
You were going to have this thug...?
Nonono. Marylin -- I'm your husband. I'd be entitled to Rex's money. No matter what happened to you.
Marylin. Run. I'll distract him.
Hello Marylin.
Hello Miles.
Hard to believe this is the way it will end up for us.
It's not something I wanted either.
But then -- I guess -- something inside me died when I realized that you'd hired a goon to kill me.
You wounded me first, Marylin.
Your forgetting Rex Rexroth?
You're forgetting Howard Doyle?
Forgery? Fraud?
Income tax evasion?
Murder?
Murder!
Pre-Castro.
Sweet.
Rex. Get away from the door.
Look, Marylin, can't we have a civilized discussion about this?
We are. And it's winding down.
But Marylin, you know a divorce would ruin me right now. Everything I have -- everything we have -- is tied up in my business. The business is my entire life.
Are you forgetting about the Atcheson, Topeka and the Santa Fe?
Marylin?
Rex. Go away. I don't want to have to sic the dogs on you.
Hello, Rex.
Marylin.
Are you alright? You lost weight.
Do you need a Tagamet?
Have you been taking your digestive enzymes?
I'm sorry. Where were we?
I was devastated. Of course.
Who's that?
Is this a lover?
Forgery and Fraud?
You used his credit card.
He told me to -- he said he wanted me to --
Quite a little shopping spree. How do you spend six figures in less than six hours? Oh, never mind I've seen it before. I've seen everything.
Do you think he set me up? Do you think that was his intention?
Like I know his intention? Or yours for that matter? I should join Sam. I'm too old for this bullshit.
He never even asked. He just assumed --
He was right, wasn't he?
So. Now what?
You want to come out to the beach house tomorrow?
I didn't know Barry had a beach house.
She's a legend. Didn't she do Kravis or a Pearlman? She definitely did a Factor.
She did a Harriman.
Wow.
Miles Massey.
Of Massey Myerson?
Do you know him?
Who's she?
Maybe.
Please. I'm not seeing anyone until this is over. One husband at a time.
I don't know what his game is. He dismissed every one of Ruth's proposals. And Sarah, we weren't unreasonable.
Well what does he want?
I don't know. Ruth kept her cool, but I could tell she was surprised.
Lilly's up.
Every week --
Anyway, even Rex seemed perplexed by his intransigence. If I didn't know better, I'd swear Massey had some personal investment in my ruination.
So where are you now?
Well, if he continues to maintain this position -- we're in court.
Shit.
That stinks. They left you with absolutely nothing. It makes you wonder about the entire legal system. Like Rodney King.
Nothing specific, but I'll have my own place soon.
So, Marylin. Is that what you said when you were a little girl?
You're not...
Sarah Sorkin. Ramona Barcelona -- this is Miles Massey.
But Marylin, without this, you're completely exposed.
Is this Ming?
I can't do this anymore. Let's get some lunch.
What about rugs? I thought we were stopping at Mansour?
What?
He's not what I expected. He's very -- he's so -- happy.
But you're going through with it?
Yes, yes, it's just -- you know I've never been the first wife. Rex was married before me.
So what?
Miles is different. He's still so idealistic.
Well, that's about to change big time.
He has no cynicism or anger. For once I'm not the repository of rage at some other woman.
Soon, you'll have your own rage!
-- is not a challenge. I need something I can sink my teeth into, professionally speaking.
Wait. I know you.
Yes?
You're Miles Massey! You probably don't recognize me. The drugs made me put on weight and grow facial hair.
Excuse me?
Yes, I know Howard Doyle.
Herb wants to see me?
Mr. Massey --
Please! No calls! I'm feeling very fragile.
I'm sorry, Mr. Massey, but I felt certain you'd want to know -- Marylin Rexroth wants to see you.
Marylin Rexroth? When does she --
So, Ruth. How's Sam?
Sam is Sam. He's taking up fly fishing. He's in a yert in Montana.
What?!
So, Miles. If you have a proposal, let's hear it.
At this point my client is still prepared to consider reconciliation.
My client has ruled that out.
My client is prepared to entertain an amicable dissolution of the marriage without prejudice.
That's delusional.
My client proposes a thirty day cooling off period.
My client feels sufficiently dispassionate.
My client asks that you not initiate proceedings pending his setting certain affairs in order.
Ha Ha.
-- So much for the icebreakers. What're you after, Ruth?
My client is prepared to settle for fifty percent of the marital assets.
Why only fifty percent, Ruth? Why not ask for a hundred percent?
Oh brother. Here we go.
Why not a hundred and fifty percent?
Are you familiar with Kirshner?
...arty farty!
He divorced his wife -- he married Marylin -- he divorced Marylin -- and he -- remarried his WIFE? What kind of sick --
Marylin was friends with Howard and Amanda Doyle. They don't like the way you operate. They helped her.
He never ate the pre-nup, did he!
I have no idea what Howard Doyle eats. I'm not a damn dietician.
Did Marylin end up with money?
She's YOUR wife. Why don't you ask her? Anyway, I assume she signed the highly over rated Massey pre-nup.
...The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars...
Don't give me that crap. That's MY crap.
And it's good!
I'll have you suspended. I'll have you disbarred.
Don't threaten me, Miles. I did nothing illegal.
...why did she do it, Ruth? Why?
Where does that leave us?
Mr. Rexroth.
Rex, please.
Miles Massey. Please sit, relax, and consider this office your office, your haven, your war room -- for the duration of the campaign.
Thank you.
...Well, my wife has me between a rock and a hard place.
That's her job. You have to respect that.
When I first met Marylin -- Well, we were crazy about each other. Not emotionally, of course. We just couldn't keep our hands off each other.
Mm.
Time marches on. Ardor cools.
No. Not exactly. It didn't exactly cool. Marylin is a knock-out. And very sexy -- but -- there's a lot of it out there.
Ah.
You know what I mean when I say "it."
Gotcha. No need to get anatomically correct with me, Rex.
Seems like there's more of it than ever before --
Well, with the expanding global population -- Let me ask you this -- your wife. Has she pursued the opportunities which must present themselves to the "knock-out, sexy woman" you described?
I don't know. I can assume...
Not in court you can't. Has she retained counsel?
I'm not sure.
And your wife is aware of or has evidence of your activities?
Video.
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves. Well, let me ask you this: what kind of settlement do you seek? What are, for you, the parameters of the possible?
That's the problem. I can't afford to give her anything.
Nothing?
I know that sounds rough but I'm about to close on a deal to develop some mini-malls, and I'm mortgaged up to my ass. If this deal goes south, I'm ruined -- I'll lose millions.
So, you propose that in spite of demonstrable infidelity on your part, your unoffending wife should be tossed out on her ear?
What's Kirshner?
I think that went as well as could be expected.
She always looked out for me.
And she had private investigators assisting her.
She brought my digestive enzymes.
In anticipation of making you sick.
Wait... He wants to give her...?
Nothing.
And she has...?
Video.
Wrigley!
Sorry.
Sometimes I have serious doubts about you.
I am very sorry.
Am I mentoring the wrong mentee?
No. You're not.
What the hell is wrong with you?
I can't help it. Even with the business we're in, I -- it gets me every time. It's so -- optimistic.
What do you think?
What are they?
Berry spoons.
Spoons! Honestly Wrigley, I'm surprised at you. What is this? Some Martha Stewart suggestion? Those are the most cockamamie things I've ever --
I'm sorry I'm late. I was having lunch with Ruth Rabinow's assistant. Guess what? Marylin Rexroth is divorced!
HA!
...and I hear she's richer than Croesus.
Ah, but is she richer than Mrs. Croesus?
She could buy and sell you ten times over.
Get me Marylin Rexroth Doyle.
What...?
She owes me a meal.
I'd stay away from her, Miles.
Wrigley?
Miles.
Kenneth this is my associate, Wrigley. Wrigley this is my friend, Dr. Beck.
The plastic surgeon! I read about you in LA Style.
I tried to reach Ruth, but we couldn't get her.
We wanted Ruth here for your protection as well --
Yes. It's for your protection, sweetheart. You're the one with the -- the...
Extinguish?
Now, Mrs. Banderas. What is your relationship to Mrs. Rexroth.
And how would you define your relationship to Mrs. Rexroth. You know -- you are her...?
Hi, Sweetie.
No. I haven't. But I've been out of town. Hello, Rex. Hello there.
You were never invited to meet your son-in-law?
Did you know Mrs. Rexroth was married?
Let me tell you something about Patty.
Who's "Patty."
Oh. That's her name. Patricia. Like mine. I was Pat and she was Patty. But she changed it after seeing "Some Like It Hot." To Marylin. After Marylin Monroe.
I see. And what were you going to tell us about Patty slash Marylin?
Divorce was her childhood aspiration?
I've been trying to nail George's for years, but he's very careful. I'll just keep having children. I think I'm pregnant, by the way.
Ramona! Don't get Mia Farrow on us.
Three is not Farrow.
George was so impressed he hired him when he divorced his second.
It's not so bad these days. Kids like joint custody. Two sets of toys.
Thorstenson Gieselensen. He just separated from his third. He's in fish. He is fish.
She's keeping his name. And one of his planes. And all seven of his children
That doesn't make sense. It's like punishing you for being goal oriented.
We can't do the impossible, Mr. Andrews.
What I'm asking isn't impossible. My daughter is somewhere between here and Miami. I want her found!
I've put extra men on, all along the way.
It's not enough! Are you certain she's not with King Westley?
No. He's been trailed twenty-four hours a day since this thing started. He can't even get a phone call we don't know about.
Oh—Mary—
Yes, sir?
How is she?
Why—uh—she's all right, sir.
What's the matter? Anything wrong?
Oh, no, sir. No different than—
Yes. I know. Still in the dumps, huh?
Can't you get them to go any faster? This dissolves to a deserted ROAD, Peter at the wheel of his car. His high spirits find expression in his efforts to sing.
Yeah, but I don't like the idea of walking in on your jamboree . . . Just between you and me—those things give me a stiff pain.
You needn't see anybody. You can come directly to my study. I'd appreciate it very much if—
Mr. Warne?
Yeah.
I was surprised to get your note. My daughter hadn't told me anything about you. About your helping her.
That's typical of your daughter. Takes those things for granted. Why does she think I lugged her all the way from Miami— for the love of it?
Please understand me. When I say she didn't tell me anything about it, I mean not until a little while ago. She thinks you're entitled to anything you can get.
Oh, she does, huh? Isn't that sweet of her! You don't , I suppose.
don't know. I'd have to see on what you base your claim. I presume you feel you're justified in—
I sold some drawers and socks, too; I'm throwing those in.
And this is what you want—thirty- nine dollars and sixty cents?
Why not? I'm not charging you for the time I wasted.
Yes, I know—but—
What's the matter? Isn't it cheap enough? A trip like that would cost you a thousand dollars!
Let me get this straight. You want this thirty-nine sixty in addition to the ten thousand dollars?
What ten thousand?
The reward.
Who said anything about a reward!
I'm afraid I'm a little confused. You see, I assumed you were coming here for—
All I want is thirty-nine sixty. If you'll give me a check I'll get out of this place. It gives me the jitters.
You're a peculiar chap.
We'll go into that some other time.
The average man would go after the reward. All you seem to—
Listen, did anybody ever make a sucker out of you? This is a matter of principle. Something you probably wouldn't understand. When somebody takes me for a buggy ride I don't like the idea of having to pay for the privilege.
You were taken for a buggy ride?
Here you are. Do you mind if I ask you something frankly? Do you love my daughter?
A guy that'd fall in love with your daughter should have his head examined.
That's an evasion.
If you had half the brains you're supposed to have, you'd have done it yourself—long ago.
Do you love her?
A normal human being couldn't live under the same roof with her, without going nuts. She's my idea of nothing!
I asked you a question. Do you love her?
What's this about not eating?
Know what my next move is? No more cigarettes.
Why don't you put me in chains?
I might.
Come on, Ellie. Stop being silly. You know I'm going to have my way.
I won't stand for it! I won't stand for your running my life! Why do you insist on it!
You ought to know why. Because—
Yes. I know. Because I'm your daughter and you love me. Because you don't want me to make any mistakes. Because—
Because marrying that fool King Westley is—
You're wasting your time. I'm already married to him.
Smart, aren't you! So subtle.
If Gandhi had a chef like Paul, it would change the whole political situation in India.
You can't tempt me. Do you hear? I won't eat!
Please. I can't fight on an empty stomach. Remember what Napoleon said.
Where are you taking me?
South America.
South America!
We leave Miami in an hour. Soon's we get some supplies aboard.
You'll have a corpse on your hands! That what You'll have. I won't eat a thing while I'm on this boat.
In that event, we won't need so many supplies.
What do you expect to accomplish by all this? I'm already married!
I'll get it annulled.
You'll never do it! You can't do it!
I'll do it if it takes every penny I've got. I'll do it if I have to bribe that musical comedy Justice of the Peace! I'll do it—if I have to prove that you were dragged in, staggering drunk. You probably were. Mmm—mmm. This filet mignon is divine!
What've you got against King Westley?
Nothing much. I just think he's a fake, that's all.
You only met him once .
That was enough. Do you mind handing me the ketchup?
You talk as if he were a gigolo—or something.
Never mind—I'll get it myself. Gigolo? Why, you took the word right out of my mouth. Thanks.
He's one of the best fliers in the country. Right now he's planning a trip to Japan.
You're going to finance him, I suppose.
Your whole life is devoted to just one thing. To accumulate more money. At least there's romance in what he's doing.
He's no good, Ellie, and you know it. You married him only because I told you not to.
A time will come when you'll thank me for this.
I won't thank you! I'll never thank you!
Please don't shout.
I'll shout to my heart's content! I'll scream if I want to.
Ellie—
Oh, hello, Dad.
I knocked several times.
Sorry. Must have been day-dreaming.
Well, everything's set. Creating quite a furor, too. Great stunt King's going to pull.
Stunt?
Landing on the lawn in an autogyro.
Oh, yes. I heard.
What's the matter, Ellie? What's wrong?
Nothing.
You've been acting so strangely since you returned. I'm—I'm worried. I haven't bothered to ask you any questions—I— Isn't all this what you wanted? You haven't changed your mind about King, have you?
Oh, no.
If you have, it isn't too late. You know how I feel about him. But I want to make you happy. You gave me such a scare—I—when I couldn't find you. You know, the old pump isn't what it used to be.
I haven't seen you cry since you were a baby. This must be serious. Where'd you meet him?
On the road.
Now, don't tell me you fell in love with a bus driver!
No.
Who is he?
I don't know very much about him. Except that I love him.
Well, if it's as serious as all that—we'll move heaven and earth to—
It'll do no good. He despises me.
Oh, come now—
He despises everything I stand for. He thinks I'm spoiled and pampered, and selfish, and thoroughly insincere.
Ridiculous!
He doesn't think so much of you either.
Well!
He blames you for everything that's wrong about me. Thinks you raised me stupidly.
Fine man to fall in love with.
He's marvelous!
Well, what are we going to do about it? Where is he?
I don't know.
I'd like to have a talk with him.
It's no use, Dad. I practically threw myself at him.
Well, under the circumstances, don't you think we ought to call this thing off?
No, I'll go through with it.
But that's silly, child. Seeing how you feel, why—
Yes, I guess I have. I don't want to hurt anybody any more. I want to get away from all this front page publicity. It suddenly strikes me as being cheap and loathsome. I can't walk out on King now. It'll make us all look so ridiculous. Besides, what difference does it make? I'll never see Peter again.
Is that his name?
Peter Warne!
Why? Do you know him?
Oh, no—no.
You haven't heard from him, have you, Dad?
Why, no . . . Don't be silly.
Looks like that was his only interest in me. The reward.
I'm sorry you read it.
Are you going to see him?
I suppose so.
I'll be going. Ellie swallows her drink and starts pouring herself another, as King enters.
might have been able to help if it weren't for you. I've been watched so closely, I—
Yes. I know. Well, you can help now. I issued a statement yesterday that I've withdrawn my objections. Begging her to come home. I haven't heard from her. Apparently she doesn't trust me.
Why should she? After all—
All right. That's why I sent for you. There's a room full of reporters out there. I want you to make a statement—that you've had a talk with me—that we've reached an understanding—that if Ellen comes home, I won't interfere with your marriage. Will you do that?
If you really mean it, I will.
On a hunger strike, huh? When'd she eat last?
She hasn't had a thing yesterday—or today.
Been sending her meals in regularly?
Yessir. She refuses them all.
Why didn't you jam it down her throat?
It's not quite that simple. I've dealt with prisoners in my time, but this one—
It's my daughter! Go after her.
What a hell cat. No controlling these modern girls. They're terrible!
Terrible! Nothing terrible about her. She's great! Marvelous youngster! Got a mind of her own. Knows just what she wants. She's not going to get it though. She won't get very far. Has no money.
What about that diamond wrist watch she had on—she can raise some money on that?
I haven't changed my mind, Westley, I want you to understand that! I don't like you! I never have! I never will! That's clear enough, isn't it?
You've made that quite evident—with all your threats of annulment. Well, it hasn't bothered me for a minute. Ellie and I got married because we love each other. And she's proving it; as far as I'm concerned there's going to be no annulment.
Why; naturally, I—
Naturally. You're going to become a partner in a big institution. It's one of the largest in the world.
You talk as if—
Ellie? Oh, she's no responsibility.
No? Say, listen—I've devoted a whole lifetime trying to tame that wildcat. Toughest job I ever tackled. Ever hear of J.P. Clarkson? Biggest man in the country, isn't he? Well, I tamed him . Got him eating out of the palm of my hand. I've browbeaten financiers, statesmen, foreign ministers—some of the most powerful people in the world—but I've never been able to do
What would you like to have me do?
Try. Do me a favor. Try. It's your only chance. And hers, too. Do that for me—and maybe we'll be friends— Maybe. Do we understand each other?
Yes, sir.
You thought that up all by yourself, huh?
Why, it'll make all the front pages. A spectacular thing like that—
Personally, I think it's stupid! But go ahead. Have a good time. As long as Ellie doesn't object.
Oh, no. She'll be crazy about it. Well, see you later. I'm going out on the lawn and arrange for landing space. Goodbye.
We've done that already.
What happened?
Here's another wire, sir. This one's from Charleston. "Checking every northbound train. Also assigned twenty operatives to watch main highways. No success yet. Will continue to do everything possible." Signed: Lovington Detective Agency, Charleston.
Any others?
Yessir. There's a report here from every State along the East coast. Want to hear them?
What do they say?
They're practically all the same, sir.
Amateurs!
Don't want to talk to—don't want to talk to anybody. Don't want to see anybody.
But it's King Westley on the phone.
Ooooooh. Hello my would-be ex-son-in-law. I've sent you a check for a hundred thousand. Yes. That's the smartest thing you ever did, Westley, not to contest that annulment. That's satisfactory, isn't it? Yeah. Well, it ought to be. Oh I'm not complaining. It was dirt cheap. Don't fall out of any windows.
There's another wire from Peter, sir. They're in Glen Falls, Michigan.
Never mind, son. She doesn't want it.
We ain't ate nothin' since yestidday.
What happened to your money?
Ma spent it all for the tickets. She didn't know it was gonna be so much. We shouldn'a come, I guess, but Ma said there's a job waitin' for her in New York—and if we didn't go, she might lose it.
Going without food is bad business, son. Why didn't you ask somebody?
Me? Forget it, son. I got millions.
Hey, hey, aren't you afraid you'll burn out a tonsil?
Tonsil? Me? No! Me burn a tonsil? "My tonsils won't burn— As life's corners I . . .
All right, let it go.
No, thanks. We're not hungry.
Oh, I see, young people in love are never hungry.
No.
Whadda you want!
If you'll be good enough to remove those newspapers I'll have a seat.
Okay! Okay! Keep your shirt on, young feller.
What do you think you're doing!
Huh?
The papers! The papers! Whadda you mean throwin' 'em out!
That's a long story, my friend. You see, I don't like sitting on newspapers. I did once and all the headlines came off on my white pants.
Hey, whadda you tryin' to do—kid me?
Oh, I wouldn't kid you . On the level, it actually happened. Nobody bought a paper that day. They followed me all over town and read the news from the seat of my pants.
What're you gonna do about the papers? Somebody's gotta pick 'em up.
It's okay with me. I'm not arguing.
Fresh guy, huh! What you need is a good sock on the nose.
Oh, yeah?
Now, that's a brilliant answer. Why didn't I think of it? Our conversation could have been over long ago.
Oh, yeah?
Driver!
Yeah?
These seats accommodate two passengers, don't they?
That storm sure made a mess outa these roads.
Holy Smokes! You'll never get out yourself! Better phone for some help.
I beg your pardon!
Now, listen. I'm in a very ugly mood. I put up a stiff battle for that seat. So if it's just the same to you— scram.
Tell that man not to drive so fast.
Are you talking to me?
I don't know what you're raving about, young man. And, furthermore, I'm not interested.
Oh, my heavens! It's gone!
Yeah. I knew you'd catch on eventually.
What happened?
That cadaverous-looking yegg who sat in front of us, just up and took it. Boy, how that baby can run!
What am I going to do now?
Don't tell me your ticket was in it?
No, I've got that, all right. But my money. All I have here is four dollars. I've got to get to New York with it.
You can wire home for some money when we get to Jacksonville.
Why, no—I— Yes . . . I guess I will.
I'll report it to the driver. About your bag, I mean.
No. I'd rather you didn't.
Don't be a fool. You lost your bag. The company'll make good. What's your name?
I don't want it reported!
Why, that's ridiculous! They're responsible for everything that—
See here, can you understand English! I don't want it reported! Please stay out of my affairs! I want to be left alone. A CLOSE-UP of PETER shows him glaring after her.
Oh, thank you. We're in Jacksonville, aren't we?
Yes.
That was foolish of me. Why didn't you shove me away?
I hated to wake you up. How about some breakfast?
Remember me? I'm the fellow you slept on last night.
What's the matter? Wouldn't the old meanies wait for you? Say, how old are you anyway? Don't you know these busses work on a schedule? You need a guardian.
Don't tell me you did it on my account! hope you're not getting any idea that what happened last night is— You needn't concern yourself about me, young man. I can take care of myself.
You're doing a pretty sloppy job of it. Here's your ticket.
My ticket?
I found it on the seat.
You'll never get away with it, Miss Andrews.
What are you talking about?
Just a spoiled brat of a rich man. You and Westley'll make an ideal team.
Will you please tell me what you're raving about!
You'll never get away with it, Miss Andrews. Your father'll stop you before you get half way to New York.
You must have me confused with—
Take my advice—grab the first bus back to Miami. That guy's a phony.
I didn't ask for your advice.
That's right. You didn't.
You're not going to notify my father, are you?
What for?
If you play your cards right, you might get some money out of it.
I never thought of that.
Listen, if you'll promise not to do it, I'll pay you. I'll pay you as much as he will. You won't gain anything by giving me away as long as I'm willing to make it worth your while. I've got to get to New York without being stopped. It's terribly important to me. I'd pay now, only the only thing I had when I
If you promise not to snap my head off, I'd like to thank you.
Here, boy!
What'd you do? Wire one of your friends for money?
Of course I do. What do you mean—
Beat it!
A dollar sixty! . . . You had four dollars last night! How do you expect to get to New York at the rate you're going?
That's none of your business.
Now, just a minute—you can't—
Hey, Brat—! The VIEW moves to the rear door of the bus. Ellie stands on the bottom step.
Are you talking to me!
Darn clever, these Armenians.
Yeah. Yeah, it's a gift.
I just had the unpleasant sensation of hearing you referred to as my husband.
Oh, I forgot to tell you. I registered as Mr. and Mrs.
Oh, you did? What am I expected to do—leap for joy?
I kind of half expected you to thank me.
Your ego is colossal.
Chalk up one for your side. Now listen, you want to get to King Westley, don't you? All right, I'm here to help you. What I want is your story, exclusive. A day-to- day account. All about your mad flight to happiness. I need that story. Just between you and me I've got to have it.
Now isn't that just too cute? There's a brain behind that face of yours, isn't there? You've got everything nicely figured out, for yourself, including this.
This? Oh, that's a matter of simple mathematics. These cabins cost two bucks a night and I'm very sorry to inform you, wifey dear, but the family purse won't stand for our having separate establishments.
Well, thank you. Thank you very much, but— you've been very kind.
That, I suppose, makes everything—uh—quite all right.
Do you mind joining the Israelites?
You're not really serious about this, are you?
I have an idiosyncrasy all my own. You'll notice my coat came first—then the tie—then the shirt—now, according to Hoyle,[5] the pants should come next. But that's where I'm different. go for the shoes first. After that I—
Do you mind putting out the light?
Who are you?
Who, me? Why, I'm the whippoorwill that cries in the night. I'm the soft morning breeze that caresses your lovely face.
You've got a name, haven't you?
Yeah. I got a name. Peter Warne.
Peter Warne? I don't like it.
Don't let it bother you. You're giving it back to me in the morning.
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Warne ...
Here—
What is it? Why, it's a toothbrush! Thanks. You—you had it pressed.
Come on! Hurry up! Breakfast'll be ready in no time.
Why, you sweet thing, you. Where'd you get it pressed?
You'll find the showers—and things—right back of the second cottage.
Outside!
Certainly, outside. All the best homes have 'em outside.
I can't go out like this.
Like what?
Like this. I have no robe.
Where'd you say the showers—and things—were?
Hey—you're little, aren't you?
Where is the shower?
Your hair's cute like that. You should never comb it.
High time you got back.
Very outspoken, too. Said I looked funny. Wasn't that cute?
Hurry up and get dressed.
Why, Peter! Don't you want to hear about our lovely friends?
Well, I hope you're not going to dictate whom I can talk to.
I know a couple of truck drivers I'd like to have you meet sometime. Come on, sit down.
Thank you. My, my! Scrambled eggs.
Egg. One egg—doughnuts—black coffee. That's your ration till lunch. Any complaints?
Nope. No complaints.
I'd have gotten you some cream but it meant buying a whole pint.
Why, you don't have to apologize, Mr. Warne. You'll never know how much I appreciate all this.
What makes you so disgustingly cheerful this morning?
Must be the Spring.
I thought maybe—uh—"believe you me" told you a couple of snappy stories.
He apologized for last night. Said he didn't know we were married.
Just shows you how wrong a guy can be. Doughnut?
Thanks. You think this whole business is silly, don't you? I mean running away and everything.
No. No. It's too good a story.
Yes, you do. You think I'm a fool and a spoiled brat. Perhaps I am, although I don't see how I can be. People who are spoiled are accustomed to having their own way. I never have. On the contrary, I've always been told what to do and how to do it and where and with whom. Would you believe it? This is the
Yeah?
It's a wonder I'm not panic stricken.
Um. You're doing all right.
Thanks. Nurses, governesses, chaperones, even body-guards. Oh, it's been a lot of fun.
One consolation; you can never be lonesome.
It has its moments. It got to be a sort of game to try to outwit father's detectives. I—I did it once; actually went shopping without a body-guard. It was swell. I felt absolutely immoral. But it didn't last long. They caught up with me in a department store. I was so mad I ran out the back way and jumped into the first
Santa Claus?
King—King Westley was in it.
Oh. Is that how you met him?
Um-hm. We rode around all afternoon. Father was frantic. By 6 o'clock he was having all the rivers dragged.
Say, where did you learn to dunk, in finishing school?
Aw, now, don't you start telling me I shouldn't dunk.
Of course you shouldn't. You don't know how to do it. Dunking's an art. Don't let it soak so long. A dip and plop, into your mouth. If you let it soak so long, it'll get soft and fall off. It's all a matter of timing. I ought to write a book about it.
Thanks, professor.
Just goes to show you. Twenty millions and you don't know how to dunk.
Detectives!
That's Father at work, What'll I do? Peter, what'll I do?
Yeah. I got a letter from Aunt Betty. She says if we don't stop over at Wilkes-Barre she'll never forgive us.
Don't get excited, Peter. They just asked a civil question.
There you go again! How many times did I tell you to stop butting in when I have an argument?
Well, you don't have to lose your temper!
You don't have to lose your temper! That's what you told me the last time too. Every time I step in to protect you. At the Elk's dance[7] when that big Swede made a pass at you—
Oh, so now I was drunk!
Well, you were!
I'm sorry I didn't take another sock at him.
Yeah, and gotten yourself arrested!
Aw, nuts! You're just like your old man! Once a plumber always a plumber! There isn't an ounce of brains in your whole family!
Say, you were pretty good. Jumping in like that. Got a brain, haven't you?
You weren't so bad yourself.
We could start a two-person stock company. If things get tough—we can play some small town auditoriums. We'll call this one "The Great Deception."[8]
Next week "East Lynne."
After that "The Three Musketeers." I'd make a great D'Artagnan.
How about Cinderella—or a real hot love story?
No mushy stuff. I'm running this troupe.
Oh, you are! Who made you the manager?
I did! It was my idea, wasn't it?
You always want to run everything.
If you don't like it, you can resign from the company.
I refuse to resign!
I better go over and see her.
Don't be silly. Nothing you can do. Must be tough on an old woman—a trip like this.
Poor old Shapeley. You shouldn't have frightened him like that.
At the rate he started, he's probably passed two state lines by this time. The exercise is good for him.
Yes, I noticed he was getting a little fat lately. Ouch!
What's the matter?
I was never built for these moonlight strolls. Why did we have to leave the bus?
First town we hit in the morning, you better wire your father.
Not as long as I'm alive.
Okay with me, if you can stand the starvation diet.
What do you mean—starvation?
It takes money to buy food.
Why, haven't you—?
Not a sou. I had some before the fainting scene.
You didn't give that boy all your money?
I didn't give him anything . You were the big-hearted gal. How about wiring your father now?
Never! I'll get to New York if I have to starve all the way.
Must be some strange power Westley has over you women. How do you expect to get there?
To New York?
Yeah.
I'm following you.
Aren't you afraid of me?
No.
I wish you'd stop being playful.
Sorry. It's the first time I've ridden "piggy-back" in years.
This isn't "piggy-back."
Of course it is.
You're crazy.
remember distinctly Father taking me for a "piggy-back" ride—
And he carried you like this, I suppose.
Yes.
Your father didn't know beans about "piggy-back" riding.
My uncle—Mother's brother—had four children . . . and I've seen them ride "piggy-back."
I don't think there's a "piggy- back" rider in your whole family. I never knew a rich man yet who was a good "piggy-back" rider.
That's silly.
To be a "piggy-backer" it takes complete relaxation—a warm heart—and a loving nature.
And rich people have none of those qualifications, I suppose.
Not a one.
You're prejudiced.
This looks like the best spot.
We're not going to sleep out here, are we?
Peter—
If you're scared it scares the hunger out of you.
Not if you're more hungry than scared.
All right. You win. Let's forget it.
I can't forget it. I'm still hungry.
I'll get my clothes all wrinkled.
Well, take them off.
What!
What's the matter?
Oh, Peter—
What's got into you?
I wasn't gone more than a minute. Just went out to find you something to eat.
know—but—
Here. Eat your head off.
I don't want it now.
Thought you were hungry!
was—but—
But what!
was so scared—that it scared—
Sure.
What?
Nothing. Nothing you'd give two cents for.
I am. I only work when I have to. Two years ago I got a notion and went to China. There was a war going on. Swell! After a while it got stale. I went down to Tahiti. Just lay on the beach for six months. What could be sweeter?
What are you thinking about?
By a strange coincidence, I was thinking of you.
Really?
Yeah. I was just wondering what makes dames like you so dizzy.
What'd you say we're supposed to be doing?
Hitch-hiking.
If it's just the same to you, we'll sit right here till they come. Got a toothpick?
No. But I've got a penknife.
There it is. Better swallow it. We're not going to have any breakfast.
Needn't rub it in. What're you eating?
Carrots.
Raw?
Uh-huh. Want one?
No!! It's a wonder you couldn't get me something I can eat.
You don't think I'm going around panhandling for you. Best thing in the world for you—carrots. Had a tough time getting them. If that farmer ever caught me—goodnight!
I wish you wouldn't talk too much. We let a car get away.
What if nobody stops for us?
Oh, they'll stop, all right. It's a matter of knowing how to hail them.
You're an expert, I suppose.
Expert! Going to write a book on it. Called the "Hitch-Hikers Hail."
There's no end to your accomplishments.
You think it's simple, huh?
Oh, no!
But the thumb always works. Different ways to do it, though. Depends on how you feel. For instance, number one is a short, jerky movement— That shows independence. You don't care if they stop or not. 'Cause you got some money in your pocket, see?
Clever.
Number two is a wider movement—a smile goes with that one—like this. That means you got a couple of brand new stories about the farmer's daughter.[12]
You figured that all out yourself, huh?
Oh, that's nothing. Now take number three, for instance. That's a pip. It's the pathetic one. When you're broke—and hungry—and everything looks black. It's a long movement like this— —with a follow through.
Amazing.
Here comes a car!
Something must have gone wrong. I guess I'll try number two.
I guess maybe I won't write that book after all.
Yes. But look at all the fun you had. Mind if I try?
You! Don't make me laugh.
What're you going to do?
You might give me a little credit.
What for?
I proved once and for all that the limb is mightier than the thumb.
Why didn't you take all your clothes off? You could have stopped forty cars.
What were you going to do? Gold dig him for a meal?[13]
Why not? I'm hungry.
Eat a carrot.
Never! I'm going in and ask him—
Oh, Peter! What happened? Are you all right?
Come on—get in.
Oh, you've been hurt! There's a cut on—
Come on! come on!
What happened?
Just a road thief. Picks people up and runs off with their stuff. What a racket!
What'd you give him for the car?
You don't have to eat the carrots. Just passed a pond with some ducks in it.
Any luck?
Yeah. He finally agreed to let us have a room.
What about money?
Talked him out of it. He thinks we're going to stay a week. I'll have to think of something before morning.
That's swell!
I'm glad you think so. If you ask me, it's foolish. I told you there's no sense in our staying here tonight. We could make New York in less than three hours.
I couldn't arrive in New York at three in the morning. Everybody's in bed.
Yes. You'll have a great story, won't you?
Thank you. Am I going to see you in New York?
Nope.
Haven't you ever wanted to fall in love?
Me?
Yes. Haven't you thought about it at all? Seems to me you could make some girl wonderfully happy.
Better go back to your bed.
I love you.
You're forgetting you're married.
I hope you got your money.
You bet I did.
Congratulations.
Same to you.
Why don't you stay and watch the fun? You'll enjoy it immensely.
Compared to you, my friend, Shapeley's an amateur. Whatever gave you an idea you can get away with this! You're positively the most conceited—
Hey, wait a minute! Let's get something straightened out right now. If you've any peculiar ideas that I'm interested in you, forget it. You're just a headline to me.
I'll bet you're in an awful hurry to get back to New York, aren't you?
ONE—TWO—THREE—FOUR—FIVE
Why, you bully. I believe you would.
—six—seven—eight—nine—
Maybe I could jump out of the window. Do you think they'd see me?
There's a man here to see you, Sweetheart.
No, it isn't. I'm hungry and—and scared.
You can't be hungry and scared at the same time.
Comical part of it is, it isn't what you want at all. In a couple of weeks you'll be looking for the nearest exit . . . People like you spend all your life on a merry-go-round. I guess that's what makes you so dizzy. You're always chasing after something. At least you think you are. Truth is, you're just running away. From yourself,
I just want to be let alone, that's all. Life's swell if you don't try too hard. Most people want to get a strangle-hold on it. They're not living. They're just feverish. If they didn't get themselves all balled up with a lot of manufactured values, they'd find what they want. Peace and calm. When you get right down to it, what's all the
Is that the Walls of Jericho going up?
No harm in your coming to see us.
Not interested.
How are you, Ellie? Are you happy?
Happy? Why shouldn't I be happy? I'm getting the handsomest man in captivity. Here you are, King. Let's drink. Let's drink to us . We finally made it, didn't we?
You bet we did.
It's up to you now. I want our life to be full of excitement, King. We'll never let up, will we? Never a dull moment. We'll get on a merry-go-round and never get off. Promise you'll never let me get off? It's the only way to live, isn't it? No time to think. We don't want to stop to think, do we? Just want
Whatever you say, darling.
Where's the bus to New York?
Left twenty minutes ago.
Why, that's ridiculous! I was on that bus—I told them to wait!
Eight o'clock tonight.
Eight o'clock! Why, that's twelve hours!
Here's your ticket, ma'am.
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Here.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
When does the bus leave?
In about fifteen minutes.
What's the matter? Where's your husband, young lady—
Husband?
Yes—if he is your husband.
Isn't he here?
No, he ain't! And the car's gone, too.
Why, he'll be back.
Why, you can't put me out in the middle of the—
Serves you right. Oughta be careful who you take up with on the road. You can't go plyin' your trade in my camp.
But can't you wait until morning—
Can I use your telephone? I want to talk to New York.
You made no mistake sitting next to me. Just between us, the kinda muggs you meet on a hop like this ain't nothing to write home to the wife about. You gotta be awful careful who you hit up with, is what I always say, and you can't be too particular, neither. Once when I was comin' through North Carolina, I got to gabbin'
Seems to me you're doing excellently without any assistance.
But I don't go in for that kinda stuff—much. I like to pick my fillies. Take you, for instance. You're my type. No kiddin' sister. I could go for you in a big way. "Fun-on-the-side Shapeley" they call me, and the accent is on the fun, believe you me.
Hey, what's this? Wearing Papa's things? Now that's cute. That's what I call real lovey-dovey. Yessir.
If you don't get out of here, I'll slap that fresh mouth of yours.
Sorry—I didn't mean to—
Get out!
Do you mind taking those things off the Walls of Jericho? It's tough enough as it is.
Oh, by the way—what's your name?
I've been thinking about you.
Yes?
Hey—you not up yet? Come on—come on!
What time is it?
I'm hungry.
The old man's screwy!
What's 'at?
I said, the old man's screwy!
Yeah!
The dame's too smart for him.
What's up?
Any of your passengers want a place to sleep—there's an auto camp up yonder a piece.
Yeah? Where?
Up yonder. See the lights?
Yeah.
That's it. Dyke's Auto Camp.
Mr. Gordon—
Huh?
Did you know he reversed the charges on that call?
Here's another wire from Peter Warne.
Collect?
Yes.
Say, listen, you wouldn't know a story if it reached up and kicked you in the pants. Yeah? Sure, sure, I got your copy. Why didn't you tell me you were going to write it in Greek? I'd start a new department.
That was free verse, you gashouse palooka!
Free verse, huh? What the dickens was free about it? It cost this paper a gob of dough. Well, I'm here to tell you, it's not gonna cost us any more.
That's okay by me! 'Cause as far as I'm concerned, I'm through with newspapers! See? I'm through with stupidity! I'll never write another newspaper story, for you or anybody else, if I have to starve. Yeah? What about my novel! When I get through with that—
Get out of here!
Wait a minute, Gordon—I—
Joe, listen—
Don't "Joe" me.
Okay, Joe. Listen—you know I've always liked you. Anytime I could do you a great turn—anytime I ran into a story that looked good—I always came running to you, didn't I? Well, I got one now. Those wires I sent you were on the level. It's the biggest scoop of the year. I'm giving it to you, Joe.
You mean about the Andrews' kid?
A thousand dollars! Get out of this office before I throw you out bodily.
Don't get sore, Joe. This is something you got to do for me. I need a thousand dollars—and I need it quick. I'm in a jam.
What's the thousand bucks for?
To tear down the Walls of Jericho.
What!
Never mind . . . Listen—suppose I should tell you that Ellen Andrews is going to have her marriage annulled.
Huh?
That she's going to marry somebody else.
You're drunk.
Would an exclusive story like that be worth a thousand bucks to you?
If it's on the level.
Well, I got it, Joe.
Who's she gonna marry?
It's all right here. Give me the thousand and it's yours.
I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw that desk.
Wait a minute, Joe. Use your bean. I couldn't afford to hand you a phoney yarn, like that. I'd be crazy. There isn't a newspaper in the country'd give me a job after that! I could go to jail!
I'd put you there myself.
Sure. I wouldn't blame you, either.
Who's the guy she's gonna marry?
I am, Joe.
You!
Yeah.
Now I know you're drunk. I'm going home. Don't annoy me any more.
I met her on a bus coming from Miami. Been with her every minute. I'm in love with her, Joe.
Well, I'll be—
Thanks, Pal. You saved my life.
'Bye, Agnes. You're beautiful. All women are beautiful! Gordon is immediately electrified into action.
Hello, Joe. Sorry. Just a little gag of mine. Thought I'd have some fun with you.
Yeah. Sure. Had me going for a while.
Wouldn't have made a bad story, would it?
Great! But that's the way things go. You think you got a swell yarn—then something comes along—messes up the finish—and there you are.
Yeah, where am I?
When you sober up—come in and see me.
All I'm asking is enough gas to get me to New York. The bag's worth twenty-five dollars.
Yeah, but I got a bag. My wife gave me one for Christmas.
Listen, man—I'll tell you what I'll do. When I come back in the morning, I'll buy it back from you and give you ten dollars profit? What do you say?
ain't got a hat—
What?
I ain't got a hat.
Funny couple, ain't they?
Yeah.
If you ask me, I don't believe they're married.
They're married all right. I just seen the license.
They made me get 'em a rope and a blanket, on a night like this.
Yeah?
What do you reckon that's for?
Blamed if I know. I just brung 'em a trumpet.
A trumpet?
Yeah. You know, one of those toy things. They sent me to the store to get it.
But what in the world do they want a trumpet for?
You send telegrams here?
I'm just fine thanks, and how are you? To "Joe Gordon, care of New York Mail, New York. Am I laughing. The biggest scoop of the year just dropped in my lap. I know where Ellen Andrews is—" No, do you really?
Go on. Go on send the telegram.
"How would you like to have the story, you big tub of—of—"
Mush. Mush.
"Tub of mush. Well try and get it. What I said about never writing another line for you still goes. Are you burning? Peter Warne." Well, that will be $2.60.
Send it collect.
Collect?
There you go—trustin' people again. How many times did I tell you—
He looked like an upright young feller to me, Ma.
Yeah. They're all upright till they walk out on you.
Said he was gonna stay a week.
Mebbe.
Worst comes to the worst, we got his car for security.
I told you! I told you, you couldn't trust him! He's gone!
Who?
See that. They're gone!
Looks like it, don't it? Here's the woman, ma.
Then—you'll have to git !
Not a minute!
Better start gettin' into your clothes.
Yeah.
Zeke. Git!
Well, you're two up on me now.
Huh?
There's a seat over there for you.
What's the idea?
I'd like to sit with my—uh—wife—if you don't mind.
Wife?
Yeah. Come on—come on!
What's up?
Looks like we're going to be stuck for a long time.
Travelin' like this, you kinda lose track of what's goin' on in the world.
Thanks.
If you wanna get anywhere nowadays, you gotta keep in touch with all the news, is what I always say.
That's right.
Take that story there, for instance. Be kinda sweet if we could collect that ten thousand smackers.
Yeah—wouldn't it?
It's a lotta dough. If I was to run across that dame, you know what I'd do?
What?
I'd go fifty-fifty with you .
Why?
Cause I'm a guy that don't believe in hoggin' it, see? A bird that figures that way winds up behind the eight ball,[10] is what I always say.
What's on your mind?
Five G's—or I crab the works.
Lucky thing, my running into you. Just the man I need.
You're not making any mistake, believe you me.
I can use a smart guy like you.
Say listen, when you're talkin' to old man Shapeley, you're talking to—
Do you pack a gat?[11] A CLOSE VIEW of the TWO shows the smile dying on Shapeley's face. He looks up quickly.
Huh?
A gat! A gat! Got any fireworks on you?
Why—no—
Yeah—the "big boy"—the Boss of the outfit.
You're not kidnapping her, are you?
What else, stupid! You don't think we're after that penny-ante reward, do you? Ten thousand bucks? Chicken feed! We're holding her for a million smackers.
Say, look! I didn't know it was anything like this, see—and—
What's the matter with you! Gettin' yellow?
But I'm a married man. I got a couple of kids. I can't get mixed up with—
Sh-sh-sh—! Soft pedal, you mug!—before I— What're you trying to do? Tell the whole world about it! Now listen, you're in this thing—and you're staying in! Get me? You know too much.
I won't say anything. Honest, I won't.
Yeah ?—How do I know? I gotta good mind to plug you. I shouldn't take any chances on you.
Where do you live?
Orange, New Jersey.
Got a couple of kids, huh?
Yeah. Just babies.
You love them, don't you?
Oh, gee, Mister—you wouldn't—you ain't thinkin' about—
You'll keep your trap shut, all right.
Sure—sure—I'll keep my trap shut. you can depend on me, Mister.
If you don't—Ever hear of Bugs Dooley?
No.
Gee! That musta been terrible. I guess he had it coming to him though. But don't you worry about me. I don't talk. I never talk. Take my word for it. Gee, I wouldn't want anything to happen to my kids.
Okay. Just remember that. Now beat it.
Oh, thanks, thanks, Mister. I always knew you guys were kind-hearted.
Come on, scram! And stay away from that bus.
Boss, Oswald impersonators? Sounds like James Bond now.
If this is Oswald, it must be our third Oswald.
Susie, watch the language, would you please.
I don't care if he was doing it with giraffes in the zoo, Numa, it's none of our business. Let's keep this side of it quiet, shall we?
When you're in a war, boss, you use every weapon you got.
The U.S. Attorney in Washington "declines" to serve our subpoena on Allen Dulles, Charles Cabell, CIA Director Richard Helms, or any FBI agent we named.
Well, what do you expect from a pig but a grunt.
William Walter, the night clerk on duty here in the FBI office, gave me a copy of this. It went all over the country. Nothing was done, and the motorcade went ahead on schedule - and this wasn't even mentioned in the Warren Report! Read it, Al.
Gentlemen, I will not hear this. I value Bill as much as anyone here. We all need to make room for someone else's ideas, Lou, especially me. Maybe Oswald is what everyone says he is and I'm just plain dumb wrong.
Why you keep dancing on my head for, my man? We been thicker'n molasses pie since law school.
Because you keep conning me, Dean. I read your testimony to the Warren Commission and...
There you go. Grain of salt. Two sides to every coin.
You tell them the day after the assassination you were called on the phone by this "Clay Bertrand" and asked to fly to Dallas and be Lee Oswald's layer.
Right.
Now that's pretty important, Dean. You also told the FBI when you met him, he was six foot two. Then you tell the Commission he was five foot eight. How the hell did the man shrink like that, Dean?
Yeah, she was pretty, all right, but not half as cute as you, Deano. You shoulda tried a legitimate line of business.
You can't ever say crime don't pay in Louisiana, Jim - only not as good as it used to. Good chowder, ain't it?
When did you first do business with this Bertrand?
Oh, I first heard these street cats jiving about him back in '56, '57 when I lived down in the Quarter.
Street cats?
What was his voice like?
You knew you weren't talking to some low life fag, you know. He had command of the king's English.
Did he pay?
Always - like tits on a pig. I wish I had a million of those bimbettes.
And Oswald?
Like I told to the Washington boys, Bertrand called that summer and asked me to help the kid upgrade his Marine discharge...
So you saw Oswald how many times?
Recall any names?
Mario, Jose - they wear names like you and I wear clothes. Today the name is Candy, tomorrow it's Butsie. I wish I could help you, Jim.
Did you speak to Oswald in Dallas?
Hell, no! I told this Bertrand cat right off, this isn't my scene, man. I deal with muni court, I'm a hack in nigger town, that kid needs a hot dog.
Then how the hell did you get in the Warren Commission, Dean? Except through the phone records in the Dallas jail?
There were no phone records.
Of course there weren't. 'Cause they disappeared. And yet the Commission found you, Dean.
All this blubbering over that sonofabitch! They're grieving like they knew the man. It makes me want to puke.
God's sake, chief. The President was shot.
A bullshit President! I don't see any weeping for all the thousands of Cubans that bastard condemned to death and torture at the Bay of Pigs. Where are all the tears for the Russians and Hungarians and Chinese living like slaves in prison camps run by Kennedy's communist buddies - All these damned peace treaties! I'm telling ya Jack, that's what happens when you
Chief, maybe you had a little too much to drink.
Well, the kid musta gone nuts, right? I said Oswald must've flipped. Just did this crazy thing before anyone could stop him, right?
I think I'll cut out here, chief. I gotta get home.
Who'd ever thought that goofy Oswald kid would pull off a stunt like an assassination? Just goes to show, you can never know about some people. Am I right, Jack? Well, bless my soul. Your eyes are as red as two cherries, Jack. Don't tell me we have another bleeding heart here. Hell, all these years I thought you were on my side.
Chief, sometimes I don't know whether you're kidding or not.
Who the hell opened my files! You've been looking through my private files, haven't you, you weasel?
You may not like this, chief, but you're beginning to act paranoid. I mean, you really are.
You found out about Dave Ferrie going to Texas today and you went through all my files to see what was going on. You're a goddamn spy.
Goddammit chief, why would I ever need to look in your files? I saw enough here this summer to write a book.
I always lock my files. And you were the only one here today... What do you mean, you son of a bitch?
Maybe there's more to this, Susie. The CIA's keeping something from our enemies.
I don't know if it's coincidence, but Oswald had a top security clearance and knew about the U2 program from his days at Atsugi Air Base in Japan. Six months after he arrives in Russia, Francis Gary Powers' U2 spy flight goes down in Russia. That plane was untouchable. Powers hinted that Oswald could've given the Russians enough data to hit it. As a
Susie, you're an assistant D.A., remember. Stick to what you can prove in court.
Who?
Grab your socks and pull... Clay Bertrand is Clay Shaw...
Or a cover up! Jesus, Bill, don't you have enough proof of the FBI's complicity now?
Bill.
Hey, where y'at, Frank? You're wasting your time here. Big Jim gave strict orders. No FBI allowed.
It's you I want to talk to, Bill.
Boss would fry me in hog fat if he knew...
Your boss got a serious problem, Bill. Real serious. We know what's been going on at your office
Yeah, I guess you do.
You've got nothin', Bill. I'm talking as a friend now. You're riding on the Titanic. Time to jump off before you get destroyed along with Garrison.
Frank, I don't want to hear it.
Who do you think fed him that information? Garrison's going down. We're talking your career here, Bill, your life. You're a young guy... we know you're working that Castro thing.
No, I'm not...
Correct me if I'm wrong. I thought we were on the same side. What the hell business is it of theirs to say that?
What do you think, Lou?
I'm just an investigator, Bill. I leave the theories to you lawyers.
It's addressed to no one and no signature. "To leave this life is, for me, a sweet prospect. I find nothing in it that is desirable and on the other hand, everything that is loathsome."
The fact is he's gone, chief, and so's our case.
Not unless we go for Shaw now.
Yeah. They were seen together in Clinton in early September. The Civil Rights Movement was running a voter registration drive.
...rumor is Shaw, a local boy, was working on some arms deal to discredit the civil rights movement. No one really knows what they were doing there, but everyone sure saw 'em. They stood out like cottonballs. I got whites and blacks saw 'em, but last time I checked there was nothing illegal with registering to vote. We still got the Negro junkie, Vernon
You know you keep saying that.
Keep saying what?
Clay Bertrand? Sure I know him. He comes around the Quarter.
Who is he, Joe? I've been to every bar, no one wants to talk.
I told your uncle I never met a lawman who wasn't a punk. You too, Bill, even if you're family. He's a big shot businessman. I seen him on the TV news a lot with all the other big shots. A fag, you know. Goes by another name down here.
What's the other name?
Shaw. Clay Shaw.
Clay Bertrand is Clay Shaw? The guy who used to run the International Trade Mart?
Yeah, what's the big mystery? Everybody down here knows the guy.
So why does he call himself Bertrand?
Clay Bertrand, Willie?
Did he pay you for this?
...there were about nine or ten people, Cubans, friends of Dave doing some stuff in the bush with him. Place was a mess. Dave's mind was a mess, Y'know he had all those mice cages around cause he's working on this cure for cancer... Dave's smart - real smart - speaks five languages, knows philosophy, medicine, military history, politics. He wanted to be a
And that's where you met Oswald for the first time?
Fuck, yes. Hell, I'm already in jail. I got no reason to lie to you. I ain't no nigger.
Go on, Willie.
Hold your horses. What kinda source?
Morning, boys. Ready for a walking tour?
At 7:30 Sunday morning? It's not exactly fresh blood we're sniffing here, boss.
What the hell's a Communist like Lee Oswald doing working out of Banister's?
Lord, wake me, please. I must be dreaming.
Well, it's a terrific yard, Chief, but the man's an obvious alcoholic with a reputation lower than crocodile piss.
Does that bother you, Bill? I always wondered in court why it is because a woman is a prostitute, she has to have bad eyesight.
He'll never sign a statement, boss, let alone get on a witness stand.
When something's rotten in the land, Bill, it generally isn't just one fish, we'll get corroboration... find this Clay Bertrand. If I were a betting man, I'd give you 10 to 1 it's an alias. Start checking around the Quarter.
And the six of us, with almost no budget and in secret, are going to solve the case that the Warren Commission with dozens of support staff and millions of dollars couldn't solve. We can't keep up with the crimes in the Parish as it is, Chief.
The murder of a President, Bill, is a crime in Orleans Parish too. I didn't pick you because of your legal skill, you know.
I'm lost, boss. What are we saying here?
We're saying that when Oswald went to Russia, he was not a real defector, that he was an intelligence agent on some kind of mission for our government and he remained one till the day he died, that's what we're saying.
And therefore because Oswald pulled the trigger, the intelligence community murdered their own commander in chief. That's what you're saying!
I'll go you one better! Maybe Oswald didn't even pull the trigger, Bill. The nitrate test indicates he didn't even fire a rifle on November 22nd. And on top of that, they didn't even bother to check if the rifle had been fired that day.
He had his palm print on the weapon.
But why?
I still have to question what the legal basis is that supports this, boss. Susie's stuff is colorful, but...
Can you get some sworn statements?
That's gonna be tough. Nobody's talking.
That's fine, Numa, but what about all the people who aren't writing letters. They're sitting home reading all these lies. I just heard NBC crew's in town to do a "White Paper" - not on the Kennedy killing, but on us. One of their top guys, Harry Stoner, is talking to everybody he can find about you, boss...
Those bastards! That's proof enough right there of what we're up against. The whole goddamn Federal Government, Bill!
Found another note, same thing, no name, no signature. "When you receive this, I will be quite dead, so no answer will be possible. I offered you love. All I got in return in the end was a kick in the teeth."
All right, all right. Break it up.
Where you going, boss?
I don't buy it, chief - why would the FBI cover it up? You're talking the whole FBI here. A telex that disappears from every single FBI office in the country?
Shaw's our toehold, Bill. I don't know exactly what he is, where he fits, and I don't care. I do know he's lying through his teeth and I'm not gonna let go of him!
So for those reasons, you're going to trial against Clay Shaw, chief? Well, you're gonna lose! We should be investigating all our Mafia leads here in New Orleans - Carlos Marcello, Santos Trafficante - I can buy that a hell of a lot easier than the Government. Ruby's all Mob, knows Oswald, sets him up. Hoffa - Trafficante - Marcello, they hire some guns
I don't doubt their involvement, Bill, but at a low level. Could the Mob change the parade route, Bill, or eliminate the protection for the President? Could the Mob send Oswald to Russia and get him back? Could the Mob get the FBI, the CIA, and the Dallas Police to make a mess of the investigation? Could the Mob appoint the Warren Commission to
I know this, Bill - Lyndon Johnson got $1 billion for his Texas friends, Brown and Root, to dredge Cam Ranh Bay for the military in Vietnam. That's just for openers.
Boss, are you calling the President a murderer?
If I'm so far from the truth, why is the FBI bugging our offices? Why are our witnesses being bought off and murdered? Why are Federal agencies blocking our extraditions and subpoenas when we were never blocked before?
With a full-blown conspiracy to cover it up? Y'ever read your Shakespeare, Bill?
Yeah.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus and Cassius, they too are honorable men." Who killed Caesar? Twenty, twenty-five Senators. All it takes is one Judas, Bill - a few people, on the inside, Pentagon, CIA...
What's it look like, Nick?
Nick, what would happen if a man suffering from hypertension were to take an entire bottle of Proloid?
He'd die pretty quick, either a heart storm or a ruptured blood vessel in the brain.
Can you ascertain if there's Proloid in his system?
Not in a routine autopsy, but if we looked at the spinal fluid, there might be a high level of iodine, but it's difficult to know. Whatcha thinkin', Jim?
Well, it doesn't make sense, Nick - he was afraid of dying, then he kills himself in a way that leaves no trace, but he leaves two unsigned suicide notes.
Mr. Goldberg, you claim you met David Ferrie and Clay Shaw while on a vacation here from your accounting business in New York, you had drinks and, under the influence discussed killing Kennedy, is that not so?
I did.
Why?
Well, I wanted to make sure she's the same girl I sent.
I see... and why are you experiencing this paranoia?
...Oswald?
No, I did not.
...ever called Dean Andrews?
No, I did not.
...and have you ever met David Ferrie?
No, I would not even know what he looked like except for the pictures I've been shown.
...did you ever use the alias Clay Bertrand?
No, I did not.
You know damn well who it is.
Dave?
Yeah, you got it. Since you're the only straight shooter in that fuckin' office, I'd like an answer from you. Did you plant it?
Somebody planted that fucking story! And somebody tipped off the press I'm one of Garrison's fucking suspects. I can't go home. I'm out on the street. The maggots are everywhere! Do you know what you've done to me? It's all over the national news now. You know what you've done to me?
Calm down, Dave, what?
I'm a dead man! From here on, believe me, I'm a dead man.
What are you talking about, Dave? You weren't mentioned in the story. Don't jump to conclusions.
You think your investigation's been all that secret? You know, when you talk to people, they talk to other people.
What did they...
You still questioning any Cubans?
Dave, you know that's where this road leads.
It leads farther than that.
Dave, just calm down. Meet me in the lobby of the Fontainbleau in 20 minutes. I'll have a suite reserved for you under an assumed name.
The Fontainbleau? 20 minutes?
Yeah. Come on, Dave, come on our side. I guarantee you the boss'll protect you... Dave?
...give me protection?
Yeah! He'd kill for you Dave. He likes you. Your mind.
I'm caught in the middle. They're after me. It's almost over.
Listen, Dave, why don't we order some room service, have a bite, relax. I'll stay as long as you want.
Dave, I always play square. No bugs. I'd love you to go on the record, but I"m in no hurry. Whenever you're ready.
I don't have much time. They don't even need bugs anymore. They got these fuckin' satellite waves. They put a bug in a friend of mine when he was born, right up his nostrils, subcutaneous, between his eyes. He was one of those products of a crossbreading experiment. A Nazi rocket scientist father and a Commie spy mother. You'd never believe half the shit
Did we involve you, Dave, or did Clay Shaw?
That cocksuckin' faggot! He's got me by the balls.
What do you mean?
What about the mob, Dave? How do they figure in this?
Come in, Dave. Have a seat, make yourself comfortable. Coffee?
Do you remember me, Mr. Garrison? I met you on Carondolet Street right after your election. I congratulated you, remember?
Do you mind if I smoke, Mr. Garrison?
How could I? Dave, as you know, President Kennedy was assassinated on Friday. A man named Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested as a suspect and then was murdered yesterday by a man named Jack Ruby. We've heard reports that Oswald spent the summer in New Orleans and we've been advised you knew Oswald pretty well.
That's not true. I never met anybody named Oswald. Anybody who told you that has to be crazy.
But you are aware, he served in your Civil Air Patrol unit when he was a teenager.
No... if he did, I don't remember him. There were lots of kids in and out... y'know.
I'm sure you've seen this. Perhaps you knew this man under another name?
No, I never saw him before in my life.
Well that must've been mistaken information we got. Thanks for straightening it out for us. There is one other matter that's come up, Dave. We were told you took a trip to Texas shortly after the assassination of Friday.
Yeah, now that's true. I drove to Houston.
What was so appealing about Houston?
I hadn't been there ice skating in many years, and I had a couple of young friends with me, and we decided we wanted to go ice skating.
Dave, may I ask why the urge to go ice skating in Texas happened to strike you during one of the most violent thunderstorms in recent memory?
Oh, it was just a spur of the moment thing... the storm wasn't that bad.
I see. And where did you drive?
We went straight to Houston, and then Saturday night we drove to Galveston and stayed over there.
Why Galveston?
No particular reason. Just to go somewhere.
And then Sunday?
In the morning we went goose hunting. Then headed home, but I dropped the boys off to see some relatives and I stayed in Hammond.
Did you bag any geese on this trip?
I believe the boys got a couple.
But the boys told us they didn't get any.
Oh yes, well, come to think of it, they're right. We got to where the geese were and there were thousands of them. But you couldn't approach them. They were a wise bunch of birds.
Your young friends also told us you had no weapons in the car. Dave, isn't it a bit difficult to hunt for geese without a shotgun?
Yes, now I remember, Mr. Garrison. I'm sorry, I got confused. We got out there near the geese and it was only then we realized we'd forgotten our shotguns. Stupid, right? So of course we didn't get any geese.
I see. Dave thank you for your time. I'm sorry it has to end inconveniently for you, but I'm going to have you detained for further questioning by the FBI.
Why? What's wrong?
Leon's in a bad mood, don't get excited, he's all right.
You mean about the Cubans getting trained north of the lake?
Oh, you got that? Banister's pet project. Getting paid by the government to work against the government. Beautiful. What a mind he had, what a guy, Guy. He had all those files.
Who was paying you, Dave?
You think I was a getaway pilot for the assassination, don't you?
I don't know. Were you? Who you scared of, Dave?
Let me get this straight, now. Clay Shaw is blackmailing you?
Was it the same Oswald, Dave, that was in Dallas, or was it an impersonator.
Did you take a good look at the TV when they had Oswald?
Black, black - just give it to me. Shit. I'm so exhausted. My neck is killing me. I've got cancer. Had it for years. I been working with mice, y'know, trying to come up with a cure.
Dave, can I just ask you this directly? Did you ever work for the CIA?
You make it sound like some remote fuckin' experience in ancient history. Man, you never leave the Agency. Once they got you, you're in for life.
And Shaw?
Shaw's an "untouchable", man - highest clearance. Shaw, Oswald, the Cubans - all Agency.
What about Ruby?
Then who killed the President?
Shit! Forgot to glue this fuckin' rug today. You know, at one time I even had a full head of hair like everyone else. And then I lost that. That fuckin' Clay Shaw. I hate the bastard. All I got left is in his rotten, bloody hands. He tipped the newspapers - I know it. That's how the Agency works. They use people, chew
They'll get to you, too - they'll destroy you... They're untouchable, man... I'm so fucking exhausted I can't see straight.
Get some rest, Dave, and you'll feel better in the morning. We'll talk then.
Colonel Finck, are you saying someone told you not to dissect the neck?
I was told that the family wanted examination of the head.
As a pathologist it was your obligation to explore all possible causes of death, was it not?
I had the cause of death.
Your Honor, I would ask you to direct the witness to answer my question. Why did Colonel Finck not dissect the track of the bullet wound in the neck?
I don't remember his name. You must understand it was quite crowded, and when you are called in circumstances like that to look at the wound of the President who is dead, you don't look around too much to ask people for their names and who they are.
But you were a qualified pathologist. Was this Army general a qualified pathologist?
No.
But you took his orders. He was directing the autopsy.
No, because there were others. There were admirals.
There were admirals.
I'm going to have to ask the jury to leave the courtroom.
Jesus, Ed, from time immemorial it's been standard booking procedure to ask an alias. You know that. There's no constitutional requirement that says a lawyer has to be present for routine questions.
I call'em as I see'em, Jim. I'm ruling it inadmissible.
That's our case!
If that's your case, you didn't have a case. I wouldn't believe whatever Habighorst said, anyway.
I can't believe you're saying this in the courtroom.
Daddy said it was all right if I was real quiet.
Dad, look what I drew.
That's something, Jasper. What is it?
Daddy! Where have you been?
Are we going away, Daddy?
Well, it looks like it, Jasper.
Because of Kennedy? Are the same people gonna kill us, Daddy?
I'm scared.
He asked me why I thought I was in danger and I said:
Well if they can kill the President, they can certainly get me.
That doesn't make sense, Mrs. Hill. We have the man that killed the President.
No, you don't!
He kept trying to get me to change my story about the shots. He was getting hot under the collar, and telling the woman not to write when he wanted.
Look, do you want the truth, or just what you want me to say?
I want the truth.
The truth is that I heard between four and six shots. I'm not going to lie for you.
...you heard echoes.
No. I had guns all my life. I used to go turtle shooting.
I realize you're under a great deal of stress .. it's clouded your judgement.
So off the record, he starts talking about my family, and even mentioned my marriage was in trouble like I didn't know it or something. He got angrier and angrier and then:
Look, we can put you in a mental institution. We can make you look crazier'n Marguerite Oswald, and everybody knows how crazy she is.
These new people never identified themselves. They musta been watching the whole thing 'cause they knew everything Mary and me had been doing that day. I guess I wasn't too hard to find - wearing that red raincoat.
How many shots you say you heard?
Four to six.
That's impossible. You heard echoes ...echoes. We have three bullets and three shots which came from the Book Depository and that's all we're willing to say.
...which is strange 'cause this is less than 20 minutes after the assassination.
No, I saw a guy shooting from over there. He was behind that fence. What are you going to do about it?
We have that taken care of. You only heard three shots and you are not to talk to anyone about this. No one, you hear?
If we go to him our investigation'll hit the front pages by sunrise. Blow up right in our face. Ruby was just given a new trial. If he has something to say, it'll be there. Susie, what did you find out on Oswald?
Finally they shuttle him to a radio factory in Minks where he lives as high on the hog as he ever has - he's given 5,000 rubles, a roomy apartment with a balcony, has affairs with local girls.
Makes sense - he's a spokesman.
Don't get sidetracked! How does he get back to the States? That's the point. Does he have any problems?
None! The State Department issues him a new passport in 48 hours and loans him the money to travel. He's never investigated or charged by the Navy for revealing classified information or, as far as we know, debriefed by the CIA.
This is a man whose secrets cause us to change our radar patterns in the Pacific! He should've been prosecuted as a traitor!
The FBI finally gets around to talking to him in Dallas and runs a file on him as a miscreant Communist type.
Spas T. Raikin, a leading member of an anti-Communist group.
And Marina? Does she have a problem getting out?
None either. It's bizarre. It's next to impossible to get Russian sweethearts out. Nor does Lee have any problem getting a new passport when he wants to go to Cuba and Russia in '63. A man who has defected once already. It's crazy.
The next thing we know he's living in Dallas/Ft. Worth in October '62 working 6 months at Jaggars-Chiles- Stovall, a photographic firm that contracts to make maps for the U.S. Army... He starts work only days before the government reveals Russian missiles in Cuba and the crisis explodes. Oswald may have had access to missile site footage obtained by the U2 planes and works
Sort of like Benedict Arnold coming back to George Washington's cabinet.
The Oswalds are introduced by George de Mohrenschildt to Janet and Bill Williams. It's through Janet Williams in October '63 that Lee gets the warehouse job, right smack on Elm Street at the Book Depository, which is owned by another oilman with ties to defense and military intelligence.
All I can find out about the Williams' is their tax returns are classified and that Bill Williams, a descendant of the Cabots of Massachusetts, has links through his family and United Fruit to the CIA and does classified work for Bell Helicopter which requires a security clearance - so what is Oswald, a defector, doing visiting his wife in his house? Williams has
...now it gets positively spooky. In January, 1961 - in New Orleans, at the Bolton Ford Dealership - when the Oswald we know is in Russia - there is a man using the name "Oswald" to buy trucks for the Friends of Democratic Cuba. The salesman never saw him again, but guess who's on the articles of incorporation of the Friends of Democratic Cuba?
I don't believe it!
I think Clinton is a breakthrough. Shaw denies he knows Ferrie or Oswald. Is that right? It proves he's a liar. Keep on it, Bill.
Aren't you being a little hard?
I'm sorry.
I'm not sure I understand.
Well... in an investigation we're conducting your name has come up a number of times.
I wouldn't imagine where.
We recently talked to a number of men who claim to know you. Are you acquainted with a David Logan?
No. Never heard of him.
A Perry Russo?
No.
A Willie O'Keefe?
No, I don't believe I know anyone by that name.
Perhaps a few more details about the evening will refresh your memory. Mr. O'Keefe told us dinner was served by a uniformed waiter - a colored man. He particularly remembers that you sat at one end and he at the other - which he found rather unusual because the table was so long. Does that bring back memories of Willie O'Keefe?
Not at all. But on the other hand, I do have a lovely Chippendale dining table and I often have a friend over sitting at one end while I sit at the other. That is precisely the point of a long dining table. The splendor of the meal adds to the enjoyment of it.
I would imagine a uniformed waiter helps.
After dinner you paid him to have sex with you.
Pffft! Absolute nonsense. The Quarter is filled with vivid imaginations, my dear Mr. Garrison - grimy young hoodlums who'll say and do anything. As you well know.
Who?
David Ferrie.
No. I have never known anyone by that name. Of course never having met Mr. O'Keefe I could hardly have met Mr. Ferrie...
Let me show you his picture.
No. I'm sure I've never met anyone of such a bizarre appearance.
Does the name Clay Bertrand mean anything to you?
Clay Bertrand? Clay Bertrand? I believe there was a man with a name similar to that who worked at the Chamber of Commerce. Is that the man you had in mind?
No, it was not. Do you know an attorney by the name of Dean Andrews?
Mr. Shaw, can you identify this man?
Naturally. Are you claiming, Mr. Garrison, that Mr. Oswald also had dinner with me?
Mr. Shaw, did you ever meet Lee Harvey Oswald?
You really have me consorting with a cast of sordid characters, don't you, Mr. Garrison.
Please answer the question.
Mr. Shaw, this is an Italian newspaper article saying you were a member of the Board of Centro Mondo Commerciale in Italy, that this company was a creature of the CIA for the transfer of funds in Italy for illegal political-espionage activities. It says that this company was expelled from Italy for those activities.
I'm well aware of this asinine article. And I am thinking very seriously of suing this rag of a newspaper.
It says that this company has heavily Fascist ties to the French secret army organization that tried to assassinate de Gaulle in 1960.
Nonsense. What next?
...and that this company is linked to the Schlumber tool company here in Houma, Louisiana - which is where their arms may have come from to David Ferrie and his Cubans...
Mr. Garrison, you're reaching. I am an international businessman. The Trade Mart which I founded is America's commercial pipeline to Latin America. I trade everywhere. I am accused, as are all businessmen, of all things. I somehow go about my business, make money, help society the best I can and try to promote free trade in this world.
And if I was, Mr. Garrison... do you think I would be here today... talking to somebody like you?
No, people like you don't have to, I guess - people like you walk between the raindrops.
May I go? Regardless of what you may think of me, Mr. Garrison, I am a patriot first and foremost.
I've spent half my life in the United States military serving and defending this great country, Mr. Shaw, and you're the first person I ever met who considered it an act of patriotism to kill his own president.
In the sheriff's report, Mrs. Mercer, it says you were at Dealey Plaza two hours before the assassination but that...
You mean you identified him on Saturday, the day before Ruby shot Oswald?
That's right. When I saw him on TV, I was shocked. I said to my family, "that was the man I saw in the truck."
But you didn't seem nearly so sure in your statement to the Warren Commission.
This says "Mercer could not identify any of the photographs as being identical with the person she had observed slouched over the wheel of a green Ford pickup truck." That's not true. I recognized him and I told them so... They also said it was a dark green air conditioning truck, which it was not. And here... ...on the Dallas Sheriff's report. This is
Mrs. Mercer, as a former FBI man, it's difficult to accept this.
Jim, dinner's just about ready... I've got a surprise for you... tried something new... Jim? Jim, dinner.
Mmmmm... sure smells good... but Egghead, do you realize Oswald was interrogated for twelve hours after the assassination, with no lawyer present, and nobody recorded a word of it? I can't believe it. A police captain with 30 years experience and a crowd of Federal agents just had to know that with no record anything that Oswald said would be inadmissible in court.
I can't believe a man as intelligent as Earl Warren ever read what's in those volumes.
One hour, y'hear? Some Saturday night date you are. Mama warned me this would happen if I married such a serious man.
Honey, you all right?
It's incredible, honey - the whole thing. A Lieutenant Colonel testifies that Lee Oswald was given a Russian language exam as part of his Marine training only a few months before he defects to the Soviet Union. A Russian exam!
I cannot believe this. It's four- thirty, Jim Garrison. I have five children are gonna be awake in another hour and ...
Honey, in all my years in the service I never knew a single man who was given a Russian test. Oswald was a radar operator. He'd have about as much use for Russian as a cat has for pajamas.
These books are getting to your mind, Mr. Garrison. I wish you'd stop readin' them.
And then this Colonel tries to make it sound like nothing. Oswald did badly on the test, he says. "He only had two more Russian words right than wrong." Ha! That's like me saying Touchdown here... ...is not very intelligent because I beat him three games out of five the last time we played chess.
Jim, what is going on, for heaven's sake! You going to stay up all night every night? For what? So you'll be the only man in America who read the entire 26 volumes of the Warren Report?
Liz, do I have to spell it out for you? Lee Oswald was no ordinary soldier. That was no accident he was in Russia. He was probably in military intelligence. That's why he was trained in Russian.
Honey, go back to sleep, please!
Do you have any evidence against him, Jim? Clay Shaw's done so much for the city with all that restoration in the Quarter. He's well connected, all his friends, the money, people, be careful, Jim.
Jim, come on, honey, get down on your hands and knees and hunt for Jasper's Easter egg.
No. I told you I was going to talk to Shaw.
But why in the Lord's name would you do it in the middle of Easter Sunday when you knew we were...
Because when I scheduled it I didn't realize it was a holiday. You were there, why didn't you say something?
Look at the calendar, for Christ's sake. You said a Sunday, not Easter Sunday.
I'm sorry, but it's important. Clay Shaw is important. I'm sorry.
You're missing most of your life, Jim, and you don't even know it. The kids are missing out too. It's not just you making the sacrifice here, honey.
Hi.
Tough day.
My sympathies.
Liz, I'm really sorry. The meeting went much longer than expected.
We waited for you... hours, Jim. You could have telephoned, for God's sake. It's Easter! You promised, Jim.
I don't know what to say except I'm sorry. I just don't have rabbits on my mind.
I think you care more about John Kennedy than your family! All day long the kids are asking, "Where's Daddy?" What am I supposed to tell your kids, Jim!
I don't know what to tell them. How 'bout the truth - I'm doing my job to make sure they can grow up in a country where justice won't be an arcane, vanished idea they read about in history books, like the dinosaurs or the lost continent of Atlantis.
That sounds dandy, but it doesn't replace a father and a husband on Easter Day.
Did they live?
It's not funny, Jim, I'm scared.
Nothing is going to happen to you. I won't let it.
Did you enter Virginia into a beauty contest?
What?
Honey, some crackpot. Martin Luther King was killed in Memphis today!
Your daughter's life was just threatened!
Just a crank making phone calls. Happens a dozen times a day at the office.
Our home, Jim! A kidnapper, a murderer, who knows!
Only cowards make crank calls, sweetheart, nothing is going to happen.
How do you know? How do you even know what goes on in this house anymore! You're too busy making speeches, stirring up every crazed Klansman in Louisiana after us!
Get a hold of yourself.
Honey, come on. The government wants you to be scared. They want everybody to be scared to speak out. They count on it. But there's nothing to be scared of.
I'll take them up to my mother's if it'll make you feel better. Spend a week. I'll change the locks, the phone lines, I'll even get a bodyguard, all right? Elizabeth, get a hold of yourself.
Jim, before this Kennedy thing, nothing mattered to you in this life more than your children. The other night Jasper tried to show you a drawing. You didn't even notice he was there. He came to me bawling his little eyes out. Jim, he's sensitive - he needs more from you.
I promise I'll make more time for Jasper.
Is it such a chore? I don't understand you.
Damn it, if I say I'll spend more time with him, I'll spend more time with him. I can't fight you and the world too, Liz.
I'm not fighting you, Jim, I'm just trying to reach you. You've changed.
Of course, I've changed! My eyes have opened, and once they're open, believe me, what used to look normal seems insane! And now King. Don't you think this has something to do with that? Can't you see?
I don't want to see, goddammit! I'm tired. I've had enough! They say you don't have anything anyway! Everybody in town's talking. You're ruining this man Shaw's life! You're attacking him because he's homosexual! Going ahead with this stupid "trial"! Did you ever once stop and consider what he's going through?
That's not why I'm attacking him! You don't believe me - all this time you never believed me.
Well so do I, goddammit! So do I! I had a life too, y'know - I had a life, too. But you just can't bury your head in the sand like some ostrich, goddammit, Elizabeth! It's not just about you - and your well- being and your two cars and your kitchen and your TV and "I'm jes fine honey." While our kids grow
And if you're wrong?
I never doubted for a second that I was. Will you come to the trial, Elizabeth?
They killed him, honey.
Huh?
He won... and they killed Robert Kennedy. They shot him down.
I want to thank you, Mr. O'Keefe, for this time.
For sexual purposes?
Anything else unusual about him you'd be able to describe in a court of law, Willie?
Willie, are you willing to repeat your statements under sodium pentothal? Under the supervision of a doctor?
Fuck, yeah! I told you so. And you can tell'em all I told you so.
You realize the things you're saying, Willie, are going to be attacked by a lot of different people.
Bring on all the motherfuckers! Bring their college degrees in here! I got nuthin' to hide. They can't buy me. You can't buy me. I don't even need the parole. This is about the truth coming out. You're a goddamn liberal, Mr. Garrison, you don't know shit, cause you never been fucked in the ass. Fascism is here now, Facism is...
No one's trying to buy you, Willie. It's important to know why you're telling us this.
What's wrong, Lou?
Oh no!... How bad?
One little guy with a cheap rifle - look what he can do.
I know David - a strange character.
Remember whose office this was back in '63? 531 Lafayette Street.
I'd say he was probably getting intelligence training.
Lou, you were in the Marines. Who would be running that training?
The Office of Naval Intelligence.
Post Office.
Upstairs. In 1963 that was the Office of Naval Intelligence - And just by coincidence, Banister, before he was FBI, was ONI. What do they say?
Bill, Lou, we're standing in the heart of the United States Government's intelligence community in New Orleans. That's the FBI there, the CIA, Secret Service, ONI. Doesn't this seem to you a rather strange place for a Communist to spend his spare time?
What are you driving at, boss?
They took 'em to the Sheriff's office, not the police station, and they let 'em go. No record of them ever being questioned.
I can't say that comes as a surprise anymore.
...take a good look, chief, do any of 'em look like the hoboes you remember?
Hoboes I knew of old used to sleep in their clothes - these two look pretty young.
Graveyard dead. August this year. A single car accident on an empty road in Midlothian, Texas. The doctor said he was in some kind of strange shock when he died.
We need to find more witnesses, Lou.
Can we find her?
I never could figure out why this guy orders a traceable weapon to that post office box when you can go into any store in Texas, give a phony name and walk out with a cheap rifle which can never be traced.
Mobbed up all the way. Tight with the Dallas cops. I'm digging, chief. I just need 10 more men and some more dollars.
Goddamn Sam!
You don't get it, guys - he can't go down any further. We got to protect him full time.
I have a plane to catch... going to Washington. An interesting lead, says he's closely connected to these events, but he won't come down here... I know what you're going through with Ferrie, Lou. We'll talk tomorrow.
I took it once for a low thyroid condition... It raises the metabolism, Lou. Did David Ferrie strike you as the kind of person who had a low metabolism?
Time?
Between six and seven seconds.
The key is the second and third shots came right on top of each other, and it takes a minimum 2.3 seconds to recycle this thing. The other problem is there was a tree right there... Blocking the first two shots at the time they occur in the Zapruder film.
Didn't Hoover say something about that? The leaves had fallen off in November?
It was a Texas Live Oak, boss. It sheds it's leaves the first week of March. You try to hit a moving target at 88 yards through heavy foliage with this cheap 13-dollar sucker, the world's worst shoulder weapon. No way. The FBI tried two sets of tests and not one of their sharpshooters could match Oswald's performance. Not one. And Oswald was at
The Zapruder film is the proof they didn't count on, Lou. We gotta get our hands on it.
That means we gotta subpoena Time- Life on it.
When Kennedy gets to the kill zone, it's a turkey shoot.
How many men?
Who do you think changed the parade route?
Beats me. City officials. Secret Service. Dallas police. They did a dry run with Chief Curry a few days before. But they didn't bother running through Dealey. They stopped right there, said something like, "and afterwards there's only the freeway," and went home.
You know who the mayor was?
No.
Earle Cabell. And guess who his brother is?
Who?
General Charles Cabell. Deputy Director of the CIA. Fired by Kennedy in '61 because of the Bay of Pigs fiasco, he moved back to the Pentagon, called Kennedy a "traitor". When he came to New Orleans to address the Foreign Policy Association, you know who introduced him? Our friend Clay Shaw.
The Warren Commission call him?
His boss was the one on the Warren Commission who handled all the leads to the intelligence community.
Allen Dulles?
Head of the CIA since '53. Kennedy fired them both. Cabell was his deputy for nine years. Talk about the fox investigating the chicken coop. Now we'll have to subpoena them, Lou.
Maybe we should just call it a day, Lou. Go home. While we're still a little behind. We got two people killed, maybe more we never thought about.
Chief, I've had my doubts about Bill for a long time. He's fighting everything.
I just plain don't trust him anymore.
Maybe you didn't hear what I said. I will not tolerate this infighting among the staff, I warn you that...
Are you giving me an ultimatum, Lou?
Well, if that's what you want to call it. I didn't ever think it would come to this. I guess I am, boss.
I will not have any damned ultimatums put to me, Lou. I'll accept your resignation.
Sad thing is the way it's screwing up this country, all these hippies running around on drugs, the way young people look you can't tell a boy from a girl anymore. I saw a girl the other day, she was pregnant - you could see her whole belly, and you know what she painted on it? "Love Child." It's fuckin' outa control. Values've gone
I sometimes feel things've gone downhill since John Kennedy was killed, Senator.
I thought the FBI test-fired the rifle to make sure it could be done?
Sure, three experts and not one of them could do it! They're telling us Oswald got off three shots with world-class precision from a manual bolt action rifle in less than six seconds - and accordin' to his Marine buddies he got Maggie's drawers - he wasn't any good. Average man would be lucky to get two shots off, and I tell ya the
You know, something always bothered me about that from day one, and I can't put my finger on it.
If I were investigatin', I'd round up the 100 best riflemen in the world and find out which ones were in Dallas that day. You been duck hunting? I think Oswald was a good old-fashioned decoy. What'd he say? "I'm just a patsy." Out of the mouth of babes y'ask me.
Hell, you're the District Attorney. You read the Warren Report - and then you tell me you're satisfied Lee Oswald shot the President all by his lonesome.
Russell, honestly you sound like one of those kooky critics spreading paranoia like prairie fire. I just can't believe the Chief Justice of the United States would put his name on something that wasn't true.
Welcome, District Attorney Garrison. May I call you Jim?
There have been a number of reports in reputable news media - Time, Newsweek, our own NBC - that you have gone way beyond the legal means available to a prosecutor, that you've intimidated and drugged witnesses, bribed them, urged them to commit perjury. What is your response?
Your faith in the veracity of the major media is touching, Jerry. It indicates that the Age of Innocence is not yet over. But seriously, Jerry, people aren't interested in Jim Garrison - they want the hard evidence! They want to know why he was killed and what forces were opposed to...
Some people would say you're paranoid.
Well, if I am, why is the Government concealing evidence?
Are they? Why would they?
Pictures like this don't show up on television!
Sure they do. The camera can pick this up.
Jim Garrison?
Yes.
I'm glad you came. I'm sorry about the precautions.
I could give you a false name, but I won't. Just call me X.
I've already been warned by the Agency, Mr. Whoever. If this is another type of threat, I don't...
I don't... I can't believe it. They killed him because he wanted to change things. In our time - in our country?
Kings are killed, Mr. Garrison. Politics is power, nothing more. But don't believe me. Don't trust me. Do your own work, your own thinking.
The size of this is... beyond me. Testify?
No chance in hell, Mr. Garrison. I'd be arrested and gagged, declared insane and hospitalized... maybe worse. You, too. I can only give you background, you got to find the foreground, the little things... Keep digging. Y'know you're the only person to ever bring a trial in the murder of John Kennedy. That's important - it's historic.
I haven't yet. I don't have much of a case.
Well, thanks for coming.
You didn't get that break you needed, but you went as far as any man could, bubba. What can I do for you?
Just speculating, I guess. How do you think it started?
He's done it before. Other countries. Lumumba in the Congo, Trujillo, the Dominican Republic, he's working on Castro. No big deal. In September, Kennedy announces the Texas trip. At that moment, second Oswalds start popping up all over Dallas where they have the mayor and the cops in their pocket. Y flies in the assassins, maybe from the special camp we keep outside Athens,
Any chance of one of them confessing someday?
...don't think so. When they start to drool, they get rid of 'em. These guys are proud of what they did. They did Dealey Plaza! They took out the President of the United States! That's entertainment! And they served their country doing it.
...and your General?
...got promoted to two stars, but he was never military, you know, always CIA. Went to Vietnam, lost his credibility when we got beat over there, retired, lives in Virginia. I say hello to him when I see him at the supermarket...
Ever ask him?
You never ask a spook a question. No point. He'll never give you a straight answer. General Y still thinks of himself of the handsome young warrior who loved this country but loved the concept of war more.
His name?
I knew the man 20 years. That's him. The way he walked... arms at his side, military, the stoop, the haircut, the twisted left hand, the large class ring. What was he doing there? If anyone had asked him, he'd probably say "protection" but I'll tell you I think he was giving some kind of "okay" signal to those hoboes - they're about to
...some story... the whole thing. It's like it never happened.
It never did.
Just think... just think. What happened to our country .. to the world... because of that murder... Vietnam, racial conflict, breakdown of law, drugs, thought control, guilt, assassinations, secret government fear of the frontier...
Here's my problem, Jack. You told me you and Guy were good friends for a long time?
More than ten years.
And he never hit you before?
Never touched me.
How much more?
I don't know if I should talk about this.
Well, I'd ask Guy - we were friendly, you know - heart attack, wasn't it?
If you buy what you read in the paper.
You have other information?
I didn't say that. All I know is he died suddenly just before the Warren Report came out.
Why did Guy beat you, Jack?
Dave Ferrie - you know about him?
Was he there often?
Where is Banister in all this?
Like I said, a fuckin' nuthouse.
Yeah, he was there, too... sometimes he'd be meeting with Banister with the door shut. Other times he'd be shooting the bull with Ferrie. But he was there all right.
Anyone else involved at Banister's level?
Clay something, that was his name - Clay.
Bertrand. Clay Bertrand?
Yeah! That's it. I don't know. Maybe it wasn't. I gotta go.
Clay Bertrand. He's in the Warren Report. He tried to get Oswald a lawyer. Was Kennedy ever discussed, Jack?
Sure. 'Course they hated the sonofabitch, but...
The assassination, Jack?
Never. Not with me sir, never... Listen, I think I'd better go. I said enough. I said all I'm going to say.
Hold on, Jack. What's the problem?
What's the problem? What's the problem? Do I need to spell it out for you, Mr. Garrison? I better go.
Nobody knows what we're talking about, Jack.
Didn't someone say he didn't speak good Russian?
Even my own wife, chief, Who's wondering where I am?
HOLD IT, CHIEF...
Well, believe what you want, boss, but we got to be more careful. All these new volunteers, any one of them could be...
No, she could get hurt. If you believe what's happening to these other people.
She's the best damn witness we have!
Hate mail here. Fan mail here. The bad news is the IRS has just requested an audit on your income from this office.
Sure sounds like he's winning.
I don't think so, Al. You remember the Hemingway story, "The Old Man and the Sea"? The old fisherman manages to catch this great fish - a fish so huge he has to tie it to the side of the boat to get it back in. But by the time he reached shore, the fish had long since been picked apart by sharks and
Then what are we going through all this trouble for?
Welcome, Mr. Miller. Jim Garrison. Would you care for some coffee?
I'm glad you could find time to see me. I flew down from Denver this morning on my private jet.
Yes, your letter indicated you were in he oil business up there.
I've done quite well in Denver, Mr. Garrison, but I have to admire someone like you - and I have the means to back up what I say.
They've been enlarged and show a lot of detail...
Where were you? Europe, Pacific?
Germany.
You were lucky. I spent three years in the Pacific. I've never seen an avenue with such a profusion of bail-bonding companies. Why is that?
I know about that shot. A terrible tragedy. How much do you have for carrying on your investigation?
If you must know, virtually nothing.
How many men are working with you on this?
Less than you would guess. Most days two to three assistant D.A.'s. A handful of police investigators.
That's all you've had all this time?
I'm going to be very frank with you. You've done a great job, an astounding job considering the limited resources available to you. But the best you can ever hope for is to stir up a lot of confusion. You're not going to do this country any good, and you're not going to do yourself any good. You don't belong here. On this Mickey
The job manages to keep me pretty busy.
I propose you accept an appointment to the bench in Federal District Court and move into a job worthy of your talent. Do you have any idea, do you have any conception of how easily such an appointment can be arranged?
And what would I have to do?
Stop your investigation... it was a magnificent effort but it's over and done with. The press is already on your behind and that's only the beginning, my boy, only the beginning.
Hello. Is this Jim Garrison's daughter?
Yes?
Virginia or Elizabeth?
Virginia.
Virginia, you're a lucky little girl. Your daddy has entered you in a beauty contest. Would you like to be in a beauty contest?
That sounds fun.
I need some information from you then. How old are you?
Six.
And you get of from school at 3 every day?
Yes.
Do you walk home?
Then do you understand that I cannot tell the truth here? In Dallas. That there are people here who do not want me to tell the truth... who do not want me to have a retrial?
When are you going back to Washington, sir?
I am going back very shortly after we finish this hearing - I am going to have some lunch.
Can I make a statement? If you request me to go back to Washington with you right now, that is if you want to hear further testimony from me, can you do that? Can you take me with you?
No, that could not be done, Mr. Ruby. There are a good many things involved in that.
What are they?
Well, the public attention it would attract. And we have no place for you there to be safe, we're not law enforcement officials, and many things are at stake in this affair, Mr. Ruby.
But if I am eliminated there won't be any way of knowing. Consequently a whole new form of government is going to take over this country, and I know I won't live to see you another time. My life is in danger here. Do I sound screwy?
Well I don't know what can be done, Mr. Ruby, because I don't know what you anticipate we will encounter.
Can I help you?
This looks pretty good on me.
I think I'm gonna just get this for today. I'm in kind of a hurry. Would you mind ringing this up while I change out of it?
Not a problem.
I'm sorry, I just decided to stay in the suit -- get out of that damn uniform.
Tomorrow I'll talk to your probation officer. Karen's a good kid, but she's mad at you, because you lied to her. This business about your grandmother's funeral
I went. I did. I took my mother and little brother.
But you didn't ask permission. You broke a trust. If you had asked, Karen probably would have let you. I'm sure she would.
I know. That's why I went.
But then you told her you were home.
I don't know. Maybe it's a language problem. Anita, you ever cause this much heartache over something that could easily be avoided, I'll never write you again. You understand?
I understand.
I understand.
Then say "Yes, Max. I understand."
So you're gonna call Karen tomorrow?
I'll call her.
Won't forget?
What the fuck can I say? I'm serious, man. What the fuck can I say? Thank you... thank you... thank you.
Who was there for your ass?
You were there for me.
Who?
You see, it works like this. You get your ass in trouble, I get your ass out. That's my job. And I don't mind tellin ya, nigga, it's steady work.
I'm still scared as a motherfucker, Ordell. They talkin' like they serious 'bout me doin' that machine gun time.
Naw, man. They just tryin' to put a fright in your ass.
If that's what they want to do, they're doin' it.
How old is that machine gun shit?
Three years.
Three years. That crime's old, man. They ain't got room in prison for all the motherfuckers out there killin' people. How they gonna find room for you?
That's not what they're tellin' me.
Hey, c'mon in, man. I was just -- you know -- smokin' a fatty, watchin' TV.
Naw, man. I gotta be someplace. I was kinda hopin you could come with me.
What'd ya mean?
Look, I hate to be the kinda nigga, does a nigga a favor -- then BAM -- hits a nigga up for a favor in return. But I'm afraid I gotta be that kinda nigga.
What?
I need a favor.
That requires me goin' out tonight?
A bit.
Aaaaawww man, I wasn't plannin' on goin' no place. It's twelve o'clock, man. I'm home, I'm high --
What's the problem?
Well, it ain't so much a problem a a situation. Remember I sold those three M-60 machine guns outta the five I got?
Uh-huh.
I'm gonna sell the other two tonight. This group of Koreans in Koreatown have started a Neighborhood Watch kinda thing. And they want a few weapons so the neighborhood niggas know they mean business. So I'm gonna sell 'em my two machine guns tonight. Only problem, I ain't never dealt with these Koreans before. Now I ain't worried. Asians are by and large real
Man, I ain't ready to be goin' out nowhere --
Let me finish. Can I finish?
Fuck that shit, man. I ain't shootin' anybody.
What the fuck I tell you. You don't hafta shoot nobody. Just hold the gun. They'll get the idea.
I ain't gittin' in that trunk.
We're only goin' to Koreatown. You'll be in there -- ten minutes.
Uh-uh. I ain't riding in that trunk no minutes. Why don't I just ride with you?
You can't ride with me. The surprise effect is ninety percent of it.
Well, I'm sorry, man, but I ain't gittin' in that trunk.
I can't believe you do me this way.
I ain't doin' you no way. I just ain't climbin' in that trunk. I got a problem with small places.
Well, my ass has got a problem spending ten thousand dollars of my own goddam money to get ungrateful, peanuthead niggas outta jail, but I do it --
Look, man, I know I owe you --
Well, if you owe me, git your ass in the trunk.
I wanna help you, but I don't wanna be locked in the trunk of no car.
Answer the question, nigga. Do you think I wanted to spend the thousand dollars on your ass? Yes or no?
Course you didn't.
Does he have the marked bills on him?
Why were you with him?
I went to give him his refund, so he wouldn't have to come here.
How'd you know where he was?
I found out.
And you didn't tell the Police?
I'd say there's about, oh, fifty thousand dollars here. What would you say Ray?
You got a good lawyer?
Can she afford a good one is the question. Otherwise she'll be in Sybill Brand three weeks easy before the Public Defender gets around to her.
Great, you're here.
What's going on?
She wants to make a deal.
She sound scared?
She almost sounds scared.
What's she want?
She wants to go back to work.
What's she willing to give us?
She hasn't one into specifics yet, she's been waiting for you.
She knows it's my case?
We are. Don't worry about it.
The envelope contains currency... all the same denomination, one-hundred- dollar bills. Now, I'm counting it.
Can I have a word with you?
Hi, I'm Detective Mark Dargus. L.A.P.D. can I ask what you have in that bag?
I doubt it. Who's your friend?
Would I mind? Do I have a choice?
You have the right to say "no." And I have the right to make you wait here with Ray while I go get a warrant. And if I don't want to go through all that trouble, I could just take you in on suspicion.
This is your money?
You should know if you bring in anything over ten thousand you have to declare it. You forgot or what? You could get a two hundred and fifty thousand dollar fine, plus two years in prison. Now you want to talk to us about it, or you want to talk to Customs?
Hey, this is my office. There's no smoking.
I'm not a loser.
Help yourself.
My pocketbook.
What's in it?
What's this?
Oh, I wouldn't be so sure. What with all the cash, I think I could go with Conspiracy to Traffic.
Let me have a word outside with Agent Nicolet for a moment?
Take your time.
Help us do what?
But now you're telling us now you do.
You don't want much, do you?
How was your flight?
Fine.
Four thirty. I'm meeting a woman.
What's her name?
He wouldn't say. You gonna follow her?
She leaves, somebody'll be on her.
I can give you a lift home if you'd like?
Are you really a bail bondsman?
I gave you my card there.
Can I see your I.D.?
Who put up my bond? Ordell?
Can we stop for cigarettes?
Sure, ever been to the Riverbottom?
I don't think so.
It's okay. It's a cop hangout.
Couldn't we just stop at a seven- eleven?
I thought you might want a drink?
I'd love one, but not there.
We could stop at the Hilton by the airport.
Is it dark?
It's kind of a sports bar
That doesn't sound dark.
Why does it need to be dark?
'Cause I look like I just got outta jail, that's why. You droppin' me off at home, right? There's a place by me.
You gain weight?
Ten pounds. I lose it and put it back on.
That's why I don't quit. If I can't fly anymore, I'm gonna have a bitch of a time gettin' my brand.
What's your brand?
Davidoffs. I get 'em in Mexico. They're hard to find here. I was locked up with the last two getting legal advice from a woman who was in for bustin' her boyfriend's head open with a baseball bat.
Was she helpful?
She was more helpful than the fuckin' Public Defender. I don't know -- I guess what I need is a lawyer, find out what my options are.
You're not tired of it?
What have they told you?
So far I've been told I can cooperate and get probation, maybe. Or, I can stand mute and get as much as five years. Does that sound right?
I'd say if you're tried and found guilty you won't get more than a year and a day. That's State time. Prison.
Shit.
But they won't want to take you to trial. They'll offer you simple Possession, a few months of County time, and a year or two probation. How 'bout another?
You know who put the dope in your bag?
Yeah, but that's not what this was about. They were fuckin waitin' for my ass. They knew I had that money, they even knew the amount. The one who searched my bag, from L.A.P.D., Dargus, hardly even looked at it. "Oh, I'd say there's fifty thousand here. What would you say?" But all they could do was threaten me and hand me over to
They wanted you to tell them what you know.
I had 'em too. I burnt those two Starky and Hutch motherfuckers down. Then their asses lucked out and found that coke.
What did they want to know?
That would be Beaumont Livingston.
That's him. How do you know 'em?
I wrote him on Monday. They found him dead on Tuesday.
Ordell pick up his bond?
Same as you. Ten thousand.
The federal agent kinda half hinted Ordell might of done Beaumont.
You mentioned a guy from L.A.P.D., but you didn't mention the Federal.
I didn't?
No, you didn't. What branch?
He's the one who wants you.
It was the other guy who busted me.
'Cause if he busted you, you'd play hell bonding out of federal court. He doesn't want you mad at him, he wants you to tell him what you know. He uses you to get a line on Ordell, make a case, then take him federal. You know what Ordell's into?
I used to bring over ten thousand at a time. That's the legal limit, so I never brought more than that.
How many trips did you make?
With ten thousand? Nine.
He's got that kinda money?
It's all in lock boxes in a Mexico bank. But he's got a problem. He's -- what do you call it when you got money, but don't have cash?
Cash poor?
That's it. He's cash poor. He kept on me till I finally said okay. I'll bring whatever fits in a nine-by- twelve envelope. I got paid five hundred dollars, and his friend, Mr. Walker, in Mexico gave me the envelope.
Whatever it was had to fit in my bag and not hit you in the face if the bag was opened. This ain't solvin' my problem. I gotta figure out a way to either keep my job or get out of trouble. I'm off today, but if I can't leave the country I'm out of a job. And if I don't got a job,
Ask A.T.F. They might give you permission.
Yeah, if I cooperate.
Well, Jackie, you got caught, you're gonna have to give 'em something.
But if all I can give 'em is Ordell's name -- I don't really know shit about what he does or how he does it -- That don't give me much to bargain with.
What'dya think?
If you're having some.
You get a chance to use it?
I felt a lot safer having it. My milk went bad when I was in jail.
Thanks, but I have my own now.
What, I couldn't hear you?
Somebody loan it to you?
Want to hear some music?
I couldn't wait till I got home last night and wash my hair.
You never got into the whole CD revolution?
This is pretty.
Uh-huh.
Who is this?
The Delfonics.
'76?
'74, I think.
I called in sick this morning. As far as the airline knows, I'm still available.
Are you?
I don't know yet. I'm going to talk with Dargus and Nicolet today. Do what you suggested. Offer to help and see what happens.
What I meant was have a lawyer do the negotiating for you.
I want to talk to them first. I know more now about Ordell's money.
Well, if the A.T.F. guy is the one who wants you, that'll only interest him up to a point.
It's a lot of money. About a half-a- million dollars. All of it in Cabo in safe deposit boxes and more comin' in.
How'd you find that out?
He told me last night.
He called you?
He came by.
What?... What'd you do?
He had his doubts at first. But he's always trusted me an wants more than anything to believe he still can.
Why?
He needs me. Without me all that money is just gonna sit over there in Cabo. Sugar?
How do you get it out?
Same way I been doin', but first they got to let me go back to work.
You're gonna offer to set him up?
If I get let off. Otherwise, fuck 'em.
It's very possible Ordell's killed somebody.
How do you feel about getting old?
You're not old. You look great.
I'm asking how you feel. Does it bother you?
It's not really something I think about.
Really?
Okay, I'm a little sensitive about my hair. It started falling out ten years ago. So I did something about it.
How'd you feel about it?
I'm fine with it, or I wouldn't of done it, I did it to feel better about myself, and I do. When I look in the mirror it looks like me.
It's different with men.
My ass ain't the same.
Bigger?
Does something else worry you?
I just feel like I'm always starting over. You said how many bonds you wrote?
Fifteen thousand.
Well, hello.
I walked right past you.
I know, ignoring me. What're you up to?
Catching a movie.
What'd ya see?
"American President"
How was it?
Pretty good. Me and Annette Bening are goin steady.
Oh, are you? Does she know that?
Does it happen to all men?
Well, I'd never be so bold as to speak for all men, but as or myself and a few of my friends, that's definitely the case. There's a lot of actresses out there you like, and there's some you have crushes on. But there's always one who you love. And with her it's sorta like going steady.
And Annette's it for you?
Who was your girl before Annette?
Sandra Bullock. You know her?
Yeah, she's the girl who drove the bus in "Speed." She's cute.
She's adorable. But I had to end it.
Why?
I'm old enough to be her father.
How old's Annette?
What're you, a bag lady?
I go back to work tomorrow.
You talk them into it?
They seem to like the idea.
Bring the money in and they follow it?
Yea, but I'm going to dress it up. Put the money in a shopping bag and hand it to someone I meet here.
You don't actually do it that way?
He always just picked it up at my place. But with A.T.F. involved, I want to stage it. You know, make it look more intriguing, like we know what the fuck we're doin'. Then it's up to Ray Nicolet, the A.T.F. guy to follow the shopping bag.
Make the delivery somewhere in the mall.
Right around here, in the food court.
Will Ordell go for that?
I'm helping him bring his money into America. He loves the idea. You just missed him.
He was here?
Yeah, we were goin' over everything. That's why all the bags.
I called you last night.
I know, I got your message. Ray wanted to have dinner. He wanted to talk about the sting we're plotting. That's what he calls it. A sting. He's being real nice to me.
You think he's got a thing for you?
Maybe. But I'm thinking it might be something like he wants the money for himself.
I don't follow your logic. What does his being nice to you have to do with him wanting Ordell's money?
He's setting me up to make a proposition.
I see.
You don't propose something like that unless you're pretty sure the other person's into it.
Has he hinted around?
Not really. But I knew this narcotics cop one time. Told me that in a raid, the whole package never gets back to the station. His exact words.
You know some interesting people.
He weren't bullshittin' either, 'cause later he was suspended and forced to retire.
He tries to act cool.
No harm in that. He's a young guy havin' fun being a cop. I know the type, trust me on this. He's more interested in Ordell than the money. If he's gonna do anything suspect, it'll be cutting corners to get the conviction; but he wouldn't walk off with the money. It's evidence.
What about you Max?
What? If I was in Nicolet's place?
No, I mean you, right now. Not it you were somebody else.
If I saw a way to walk off with a shopping bag full of money, would I take it?
You know where it came from. It's not like it's anybody's life savings. It wouldn't even be missed.
A half-a-million dollars will always be missed.
You're avoiding the question.
I have to stand behind all my active bonds, but I'm not writing any new ones.
Why?
A lot of reasons. But the main one would be I'm tired of it.
When did you decide?
Hi, I'm Max Cherry. Your bail bondsman.
The day you got me out of jail?
Yeah, that night I went to pick up a guy. I hear he's staying at this house, so I sneak in, wait for him to come home.
Wait a minute. After we were together you went and snuck into a guy's house?
Got another gun and a stun gun...
And went to this guy's house in El Monte, and I waited for him.
What do you do when he comes home?
Shoot him with the stun gun. While he's incapacitated, cuff him, take 'em to County.
You do that?
That's my job.
Did you do it that night?
He never came home. But I'm sitting on the couch, in the dark, holding my stun gun and the whole house smells of mildew -- So after a couple hours I think, "What am I doing here? Nineteen years of this shit? So I made up my mind, that's it.
And is that it?
I'm not sure you answered my question.
Which one?
If you had a chance, unemployed now, to walk off with a half-million dollars, would you take it?
Don't even think about it. You could get yourself killed go to prison...
The feds. It's evidence.
You're rationalizing.
I told them Ordell's changed the amount he's bringing in.
Do you think they bought it?
Oh, yeah. I got them thinking Ordell's real nervous. They love thinking he's scared of them.
You know, a good cop won't let you know he knows you're fulla shit.
It'll be more than that.
Don't be so literal. Ray believed it.
But you still have to show him the money at the airport.
Well, you know I'm not going to show him the whole amount. He'll see fifty thousand.
Where's the rest of it?
In the bag underneath.
What if he checks it?
He won't -- I mean, he didn't the last time. He'll be expecting fifty thousand and there it is -- on top.
You're takin' a helluva chance kid.
Not really. If he finds it, I say Mr. Walker put the money in, and I didn't know nothing about it. Like the coke.
Then you're out and you get nothing.
Yeah, but I'm not in jail and I tried.
You're gonna have surveillance all over you.
That's why you don't make a move till I come out of the fitting room.
In a dress.
How'd you find out?
All Winston had to do was ask around. Ordell's living in Long Beach with a woman junkie.
How does Winston find him if A.T.F. and all the local Police can't?
People talk to Winston. He's street, same as them, they trust him. They get busted, they know somebody who can bond them out. I thought I might drop in on him. He'll no doubt be surprised to see me.
He's liable to shoot you.
Ray wants him.
That's why A.T.F.'s gotta make the case. I'm their witness. They wouldn't have a case without me. If it's his word against mine, who are they gonna believe?
It never was, so I'm not gonna start worrying about it now. Look, Ray more or less believes my story, and he more or less doesn't care. All he really gives a shit about is getting Ordell.
So how do we give Ordell to Nicolet?
Get Ordell to come to your office.
Set him up.
Uh-huh.
Tell him you want to see him?
Tell him I want to give him his money.
Why?
I've chickened out. I'm afraid of him. He'll like that.
What do you tell Nicolet?
Ordell called and wants to meet me and I'm scared.
He's already there.
What if he hears something he's not supposed to?
I got your package. It was fun getting a half-a-million dollars in the mail.
Less ten percent.
Only this isn't a bail bond, Max.
I hesitated taking that much.
You worked for it -- if you're sure that's all you want.
I saw Ray the other day. Boy is he pissed he missed all the excitement.
What's he doing?
He's on to a new thing. He's after a guy who owns a gun shop he says is "woefully and wantonly" selling assault rifles to minors. He says he's gonna take him down if it's the last thing he does.
Did you tell him you were leaving?
That's Ordell's.
They've confiscated all his other stuff. But this one's sorta left over. The registration's in the glove box, the keys were under the seat... What's a matter, haven't you ever borrowed someone's car?
I didn't use you, Max.
I didn't say you did.
I never lied to you.
I know.
We're partners.
I'm fifty-five-years old. I can't blame anybody for anything I do.
I'd feel a whole lot better if you took some more money.
Where're you going?
Spain.
Madrid or Barcelona?
Wanna go?
Thanks, but you have a good time.
Sure I can't twist your arm?
Thank you for saying that, but no. My business.
I thought you were tired of your business?
I'm just tired in general.
You tell those guys they'll have to do one helluva lot better than that before I'll even say 'hi' to them.
Well, that's the State's offer. If you plead to possession and tell L.A.P.D. what they want to know, your bond will be set at one-thousand dollars. If you don't, L.A.P.D. will request one at twenty-five thousand based on your prior record and risk of flight. If you don't post it or don't know anyone who can, you'll spend six to eight weeks in County
Who's side are you on?
I beg your pardon?
What if I plead guilty?
And cooperate? You might get probation.
If I don't cooperate?
He say we like the same thing as married.
Most of the times.
Sometimes every day, for a while.
Yes'm.
You know what's in the bag you're taking?
He say is a surprise.
Oh, Miss Brown?
And what would this be, Sweet and Low?
What the fuck is that shit?
I know what it looks like.
Look, that shit ain't mine.
We'll just be a minute.
Thanks for waiting, Jackie. Now tell me, what can we do for you?
I need permission to leave the country so I keep my job.
We can look into that.
I need it tomorrow. If I don't show up for work tomorrow, I'm fired.
You know what we want.
Oh, so now you know him?
No shit. You know how he makes his money?
He sells guns.
You ever see him sell guns?
No.
Then how do you know he sells guns?
He told me. Besides, why else would an A.T.F. man be after him?
How can you help us?
This is A.T.F. agent Ray Nicolet, Jackie Brown, Ordell Robbie money exchange trial run. It's three p.m., July 4th 1997. The location is the parking structure at LAX.
I'm recording this.
The envelope contains ten thousand dollars. The subject will be delivering the currency in a...
Ordell has a white guy working for him named Louis.
You two meet?
This afternoon before I came here. He was with Ordell at an apartment in Hermosa Beach. I don't know if he lives there, but I can find out.
You talk to him?
Not really.
His full name is Louis Gara. He just got out from serving four years in Susanville.
What for?
Bank robbery? Do you know what he does for Ordell?
I imagine shit needs to be done.
...Compton with a fifty-six-year- old petty thief -- woman named Simone Hawkins.
Ever meet her, or they talk about her?
Not yet.
Who's the other one?
White girl named Melanie Ralston. Another girlfriend of Ordell's.
What's her story?
It was her coke I got busted with. She knows everything, but she's not part of it, and she's pissed cause she's not part of it. Ordell wouldn't even let her stay at the meeting. She tried to talk me into ripping off Ordell.
And splittin' with her?
I'm sure that was the idea.
What did you say?
I smiled and walked away. She also told me Ordell killed Beaumont.
She told you that?
Uh-huh.
Was she there?
She didn't say.
But she mentioned Beaumont by name?
Uh-huh.
Well, this sounds like a lady I'd like to have a word with. So everything's set for tomorrow?
You said that the last time.
Well, it's true, isn't it? After this is buttoned up we could meet someplace else. What do you think?
We could, if I'm not in jail.
That's fifty thousand, huh? It doesn't look like that much.
I was told ten thousand in each pack.
You didn't count it?
Ever been tempted?
What? To put one of these in my pocket?
Uh-huh.
If I did, I'd have to give you one, wouldn't I? Or we could take what we want. No one knows how much there is except us, right?
Yes. All those things are true.
After all, it don't belong to nobody, right?
That would be one point of view.
Yeah, well, it's not a point of view that A.T.F. shares. Once we make it evidence, it belongs to us. You are now officially out of trouble. Don't do nothing stupid, now.
How can I do anything if I'm being watched every second?
I'm glad you realize that. Saves me the trouble of pointing it out to you. Put this in your shopping bag. It's what I expect to find when I look in Sheronda's. Comprende?
I thought I did.
You didn't. I would think with all this on your mind, you'd wait till after.
I got there early. I've had my eye on this suit -- Wait, let's start over. I got there early. The idea was to try on the suit, see if I liked it. If I did, get them to wrap it up, and change back into my uniform. That's what Sheronda's expecting me to wear. Go meet Sheronda, give her the bag with fifty
But you didn't do that.
Where's the bag she gave you?
She didn't give me one. I told you before, Melanie wasn't part of the plan. Ordell must of told her to do it. She bursts in, grabs the shopping bag, and takes off. What am I supposed to do, go after her? I'm in my fucking underwear. I had to get dressed before I could do anything. So I put this back on 'cause
You took the time to pay the saleswoman.
I had to. I was frantic. I didn't know what to do.
What did you do after that?
I went looking for you. I went straight to the bookstore, 'cause that's where you were last time, but you weren't there. How the hell else am I supposed to let anybody know what happened? You didn't tell me how to do that, did you? I knew I was under surveillance, so when I couldn't spot anybody, I started yelling.
There was a guy with Melanie?
We had our agent on you. She sees a blonde come out of the fitting room carrying a Robinson's/May bag and tussle with a tough-looking white guy. The white guy takes the shopping bag and they go.
This guy with Melanie, that was Louis Gara?
I didn't see him. I was in my underwear. If it was a white guy, it was probably Louis. He kill Melanie?
It's possible. You're saying you don't have any idea what happened to that fifty thousand?
I have no idea.
You'd take a polygraph on it?
If it'll make you happy.
Louis Gara's dead. L.A.P.D. found him dead in a car on Ninth. And we've lost Ordell.
I thought you were watching him.
We were, and we lost him. He walked into a strip bar sometime around three thirty and never came out. The bar was on Ninth, less than a mile- and-a-half from where Louis was found dead. It looks like Louis's friend shot him twice at point blank range.
So what happens now?
We pick up Ordell. We've got three murders we can link him to. We have the storage unit where he keeps his guns, by tomorrow we'll have a search warrant to go in and get him. And we have you.
What about me?
What about you?
Do you think I took some of that money?
Oh, hi.
Buy ya a beer?
I'm waiting for the phone.
Good luck. That guy's been in there since I got here.
Sure.
Killian's.
Better get me another Sam's. Join me in a Jaeger shot?
Uh-uh.
How long you been with Ordell?
This time? Almost a year. I've known him forever.
What were you two fighting about?
Mr. Walker's my buddy. Ask him about Ordell.
He said he didn't know about it.
He killed a guy who works for him the other day.
Beaumont Livingston?
You already knew that?
Kinda.
You think I'm kidding?
Dreaming.
You know how easy it would be? He won't be anywhere near that mall. Pull one more switch, up front. That's it. Half-a-million dollars. Need help?
Keep it between us girls?
What's that fucker ever done for us?
Jackie?
Hi, Melanie.
Are you getting that black suit?
Yeah, do you like it?
It looks good on you.
Do you got something for me?
I put a little cherry on top. You're right. What the hell he ever do for us?
Thanks.
How you doing, Ms. Jackie?
I got some vodka in the freezer.
Got some o.j.?
Well, then, why don't you be a good hostess and make me a screwdriver?
For what?
The same guy who put me in, thanks a lot.
I'magine they asked who you givin' it to, too.
They asked.
And what was your answer?
I said I wanted to talk to a lawyer.
Beaumont Livingston.
I knew it.
Yeah?
This fella Beaumont, they say what happened to him?
What do you think it is?
I think it's a gun pressing against my dick.
What the hell you doin'?
Now, baby, that's got nothin' to do with you. I just carry that. You been listenin' to them cops too much.
The cops didn't try and strangle my ass.
Damn, Jackie, I was just playin' with you.
Well, I ain't playin with you. I'm gonna unload both these motherfuckers, you don't do what I tell you. Understand what I'm saying?
Baby, I ain't come here -- She shoves both guns in Ordell's back.
I said, you understand what I'm saying
I understand woman, damn!
I'm tellin' you, those cops been fuckin' wit your mind. They turn black against black, that's how they do.
I just came here to talk.
Let's get realistic, baby. Sooner or later they're gonna get around to offering me a plea deal, and you know that. That's why you came here to kill me.
Baby, I didn't --
Yeah?
I got a problem...
Yeah.
I'll talk to the cops tomorrow and tell you if it's on.
The Cockatoo Inn.
The Cockatoo Inn? Where's that?
It's right on Hawthorne Boulevard and Manhattan Beach Boulevard. It's red brick...
Oh, wait, you mean that place that has the big sign with a rooster on it?
I bet you come here on a Saturday night, you need nigga repellent keep 'em off your ass.
I do okay.
You a fine lookin' woman, Jackie. I bet you do a damn sight better than okay. You think anybody followed you?
I don't think so, but it don't really matter. They know I'm meeting you.
How the fuck they know that?
You told em? You told em it's me?
They already know it's you.
Well, shit. That don't mean you gotta confirm it!
Look, the only way I can get permission to fly is if I agree to help them. Which is what I have to appear to be doing. So I give them something they already know. You.
Didja tell 'em anything else?
You told them that?
It's true, isn't it?
What the fuck's that got to do with it?
They know I'm delivering for you. I mention the half-million -- they don't give a fuck about that -- They want you with guns. So I say, well, if you want proof he's getting paid for selling them, let me bring the money in.
...I make two deliveries. The first one with ten thousand, like a dry run. They watch it. See how it works. Then we do a second delivery, when I bring in the half mill.
Naw, naw, that's too much exposure. I ain't goin anywhere near that money.
You don't have to. I told 'em you're real careful. You never pick up money yourself. You always send someone, and I never know who it is.
That's a good idea.
If you just listen, you'll see it's a damn good idea. The first time I do it they're lurking about. They see me hand the ten thousand to someone.
Who?
I don't know. One of your friends.
A woman.
If you want.
Yeah, I think a woman.
The next trip, when I come with all the money, it'll look like I hand it to the same one I did before...
But you don't?
No, I give it to someone else first.
And they follow the wrong one thinkin' she's bringing it to me.
That's the idea.
So we need two people, two women.
Can you cover that?
I got the woman covered. Where you thinkin' about doin' this?
I was thinkin' the Del Amo Mall. In the food court.
I suppose you see a piece of this for yourself?
Well, it's my plan. We're in this together.
Yeah, but it's my money, and I don't need me a partner.
I ain't your partner, I'm your manager. I'm managing to get your money out of Mexico, into America, in your hands, and I'm managing to do all this under the nose of the cops. That makes me your manager, and managers get fifteen percent.
Managers get ten percent.
That's an agent. Manager's get fifteen percent.
I'll give ya ten.
Plus the same deal as before.
The money's in a Broadway shopping bag. I get some food, and sit down here in the food court. Then your girl comes -- you got somebody yet?
Uh-huh.
Who?
What'd you care?
Look, it's my ass facin' the penitentiary. You send some hard- headed roc whore, and she fucks things up.
Drink?
I don't want no more fuckin' surprises. We do this the way I laid it out, or we don't do it at all.
What the hell you talkin' bout?
Sheronda passin' the money onto someone else, that's what the hell I'm talkin' 'bout.
How do you know she did that?
I was there, I saw her do it.
Well, you weren't supposed to be there.
I know, but I hung around, 'cause I figured you'd try an' pull some shit like this.
Now, hold on there. I ain't pullin' no shit. It's my money, I can do whatever the fuck I wanna do with it.
Nicolet and Dargus stop me at the airport and mark the bills.
Man, I don't like that part.
It washes off. I tell them we're doing it the same way as before. They'll follow Sheronda. I hate the idea of leaving her for a fall.
She won't have no problems 'cause she don't know nothin'.
Are you sure she don't know about the money?
She don't know shit about the money.
What does she think she's gettin?
No, you gonna give her a Robinson's/May bag this time?
Right, the one Simone gives me. Simone and I'll make the switch at Robinson's/May. She knows what I look like?
She saw you with Sheronda. So Simone goes to the dress department with her Robinson's/May bag.
Designer clothes.
She waits for you to go in the place where you try things on.
So you come out with her Robinson's/May bag, go meet Sheronda. Simone peeks out, waits for my man Louis here to give her a signal nobody's watchin'. She leaves the store, gets in her car -- mission accomplished.
Where you gonna be during all this?
Who's paging you?
Ray, the A.T.F. guy.
That works on my nerves, you bein' so buddy-buddy with him.
If I wasn't, this wouldn't work. Now once I deliver I'll have to trust you.
And a hundred thousand if I go to jail.
Give it to the bail bondsman, Max Cherry. He'll take care of it.
Max Cherry? You and him friends now? You tell him about this shit?
It's boring, isn't it?
I can sit through it once.
He thinks he's Joe Gunn now.
I'm impressed. He knows a lot.
Want a hit?
When did you get out of jail?
Four days ago.
Where at?
Susanville.
How long?
Two months shy of four years.
Four years?
Uh-huh.
What for?
Bank robbery.
Is it ready to go?
You okay?
Yeah, I'm just gettin' old. I can't smoke or laugh now it seems without coughing.
Want a Metrix?
It's like this major meal in a shake you drink instead of having a big meal.
It's a diet thing?
No, it's what body builders drink to beef up.
Which one?
The roller disco one.
You're fourteen years old here?
Yeah.
I thought you were sixteen.
I was pretty much the same height now as I was then.
Were you a disco girl?
Noooo, I was a surfer girl. Besides, I was only fourteen. I couldn't go to discos.
So where did you go?
That was taken at a place called "Flippers." It was in Hollywood. Were you in L.A. back then?
No.
Where were you?
Detroit.
With Ordell?
Were you a disco guy?
No.
C'mon, don't lie.
I don't like dancing.
Did you ever go I one?
I went to a few just to meet women. But I don't like to dance, and it's so fuckin; loud. During that whole scene I just drank in bars. Who didn't make the cut?
That's a picture of me in Japan.
You been to Japan?
I lived there for about nine months.
You lived in Japan, when?
About five years ago.
Who's arm is that?
That's the guy I lived with... his name was... Hirosh.
Must of made quite an impression.
I never got to know him, really. I couldn't speak Japanese, and his English was terrible. But I couldn't say anything, because his English was better than my Japanese.
That sounds like a problem.
Wanna fuck?
Yeah, that really hit the spot.
Is it dead?
Well, so far he is. But you have to admit he's not too bright.
He killed a man worked for him the other night.
That's not what I'm saying at all. You know where he went?
No.
He went to meet that stewardess.
Please.
You live with him.
I live here. He drops in and out. He tell you about that half-million dollars he's got in Mexico?
Uh-huh?
Course he did, he tells everybody who'll listen. That's what he's doin' with this stewardess. He's scheming how he can get it over here.
And your point is?
Let him and that stewardess get that money over here...
Uh-huh?
We're leaving now!
Jesus Christ, get a grip, Louis.
That's a nice outfit on her. I'm gonna go over and look at this Michi Moon display.
Just stay right fuckin' here, all right?
What are you doin'?
I'm getting out of here. What do you think?
Lemme have the bag.
Goddam you. Gimme that bag,
Watch it, dipshit. You wanna rip the fuckin' bag?
I'm carrying it.
Is it this aisle, Lou-is?
Yeah, down the end.
Is it this aisle or the next one over?
This one.
I mean it. Don't say one fuckin' word.
Thanks, Baby.
See, what did I tell you? Man in New York wants a 9 millimeter Smith and Wesson Model 5946. Why does he want it? It's the gun that nigga on "New York Undercover" uses. Because of that nigga, I can sell it to this nigga for twelve-fifty.
What's your cost?
As low as two.
Are you serious?
I got me five M-60 machine guns. These came straight from the Gulf War. I sold me three of them so far, twenty grand a piece.
That's good money.
Louis, this is it, man. I'm gonna make me a million dollars out of this. I already got me a half-a- million sittin' in Mexico. When I do this last delivery, I'm gonna make me another half-million.
Then what?
I'm going to wait in the car.
Take the keys, man. Listen to music.
This one's for the ignition... ...but you gotta hit this thing to shut the alarm off and unlock the door.
What do I do?
You ain't got to do nothing. Just point at it and push the button. You'll hear the car go "bleep." That means the alarm's off and the doors are open.
Okay.
Louis, my man. Watcha doin'?
Oh, I dunno. Watching TV.
Whatcha watchin'?
Nothin' really. Just kinda goin' back and forth. They had some black girl from some black show on Jay Leno. I watched that for a bit, but I kept flippin channels cause I didn't know who she was.
Guess where I am?
I dunno.
I know you don't know. I said guess.
The moon -- I dunno
I'm talkin' to you from the comfy- cozy interior of an Oldsmobile parked outside your nasty-ass welfare motel.
You're outside?
Uh-huh.
C'mon in.
Naw, man. I just told you, I'm comfortable. I ain't about to walk into that roach motel and get uncomfortable. You bring your ass out here.
I'm in my underwear.
Who was that?
That was Beaumont.
Who was Beaumont?
An employee I had to let go.
What did he do?
He put himself in a situation where he was gonna have to do ten years in the penetentiary, that's what he did. And if you know Beaumont, you know there ain't no way in hell he can do no ten years. And if you know that, you know Beaumont's gonna go any goddam thing Beaumont can to keep from doin' those ten years including
Yeah.
So we on the same page then?
I didn't look like a bum.
How much is there?
Can I ask you about Melanie?
Sure.
What's your relationship?
She one of the women I got set up. I got Melanie in Hermosa Beach. I rent Simone a small house in Compton, and about four blocks away I got me this nineteen-year-old country girl named Sheronda. I found her waitin' for a bus two days outta Alabama, barefoot, country as a chicken coop. Took her to my house in Compton, told her it
She believed you?
If this is about you fucked Melanie, I don't give a damn. I ain't a fool. I leave you alone with a bitch like Melanie, you're gonna be fuckin' that twenty minutes after I'm out the door. So say "thank you" and I'll tell you, "you're welcome."
She tryin' to work your ass against me, ain't she?
Yep.
You didn't even hafta say it. I know the woman.
Well, why the fuck keep her around?
'Cause she my fine little surfer gal. She can't do me no harm. Fact she think she can play you against me shows how little she knows. You could teach that bitch for days how it is 'tween me an you, she never understand a damn word.
Why do you let someone know your business you can't trust?
I don't hafta trust her, I know her.
What does that mean?
I still don't understand why you keep her around.
Uh-huh.
Well, you the one in motherfuckin' charge.
Well, she keeps saying 'in a minute.'
It's Louis.
Did you get it?
I got it. Listen, there's something else I have to tell you.
When I see you. Pick me up at Sam's. You count the money?
I haven't even looked at it yet, it's still in the shopping bag.
Melanie must be dyin' to see it. Louis.
That's what I got to talk to you about. You see, Melanie was giving me a hard time --
You keep drivin' down Ninth, to where they got all them car dealerships. We're gonna leave this heap in a parking lot and get one the cops don't know about. Hey, where's Melanie?
That's what I gotta tell you. She bugged me the whole time. Got pissy with me 'cause I wouldn't let her carry the bag. Started running her fuckin' mouth... I couldn't remember right away when we came out where the car was parked, so she got on me about that. "Is it this aisle Lou- is, is it that one?" She was totally fuckin'
So what, you left her there.
You shot Melanie?
Twice. In the parking lot.
Couldn't talk to her?
You know how she is.
You couldn't just hit her?
Maybe... but at that moment... I dunno...
You shot her twice?
Uh-huh.
So you're sure she's dead.
Pretty sure.
Where did you shoot her?
In the chest and stomach.
Louis?
What?
Where's the rest of it?
How much it there?
Maybe forty, maybe not that much.
You said five hundred and fifty!
So you light, ain't you. You light about a half-a-million.
Look, that's the bag she came out with. She never even put her hand in it, and neither did I.
Came outta where?
The fitting room. It went down exactly the way it was supposed to.
How long was she in there?
Maybe a minute. She came right out.
Louis, You tellin' me the truth?
Look, I swear to fucking god, she came out with that bag and I took it from her.
Then what?
We went to the parking lot.
Where you shot her.
That's right.
You sure she ain't somewhere with a half-a-million dollars I worked my ass off to earn?
Fuck you for asking me that.
What'd you shoot her with?
Okay, so it was Jackie Brown.
If she's got it, why didn't she take it all?
'fore I blow that bitch's brains out, I'll ask her.
Maybe the Feds got it.
If there were nothin; in here but towels, maybe she didn't get a chance to take it from her suitcase and A.T.F. got it. But, she put these fuckin' books in here to trick our ass.
That's why I never checked it. The bag felt right.
Then she throws forty thousand in here, to rub the shit in my face, know what I'm saying? She wants me to know she ripped me off.
I don't know. Either she has it or the Feds.
Jesus Christ.
What?
You know who I saw in the dress department?
Tell me.
I didn't really think anything of it. No -- I did wonder what he was doing there, but didn't think it had anything to do with us. You know like maybe he was there with his wife or girlfriend.
You gonna tell me who it was?
You see Max Cherry in the dress department. We're about to be handed half-a-million dollars -- Man, look at me when I'm talking to you! And you don't think nothing of him being there!
Do Max Cherry and Jackie Brown know each other?
Hell, yes, they know each other. He bonded her out of county.
How am I supposed to know that?
You know the motherfucker's a bail bondsman, don't ya? You know every last one of them motherfuckers is crooked as hell?
Why should I think anything's weird, if I don't know nothin' about them knowing each other?
I ain't givin' you fuckin' excuses, I'm givin' you reasons.
I'm going out for a few hours.
Hold on a minute. Where you going?
I'm going to Del Amo, see a movie, get something to eat.
Watcha gonna see?
Whatever looks best and starts the soonest.
You're right, that was Ordell. You have time, you think you could find out for me where he's staying?
Cops can't locate him, huh?
They don't have your winning personality.
Sure thing. I don't have to know what I'm doing, long as you know.
How can I help you?
That's Winston. He works here.
He's a big one. You two tight?
Yeah.
So, you want a ten-thousand dollar bond. What've you got for collateral?
Gonna have to put up cash.
It's in my bag.
You have cash. What do you need me for?
C'mon, you know how they do. Black man comes in with ten thousand, they wanna fuck with 'em. First off, they gonna wanna know where I got it. Second, they gonna keep a big chunk of it -- start talkin' that court cost shit. Fuck that shit, Jack. I'll go through you.
Cost you a thousand for the bond.
Who's it for? A relative?
Fella named Beaumont. They have him up at county. It started out drunk driving, but they wrote it up "possession of a concealed weapon." Dumb monkey-ass had a pistol on him.
Ten thousand sounds high.
He takes off and I gotta go to Kentucky to bring him back, you pay the expenses.
What's his full name?
Getting there.
Beaumont Livingston.
Livingston, huh?
On his prior, he served nine months, and he's working on four years' probation.
You don't say.
Do you know what he's on probation for?
Haven't a clue.
Possession of unregistered machine guns.
Will they consider this a violation of his probation?
They do consider this a violation of his probation. Your boy's looking at ten years, plus the concealed weapon.
Man, he won't like that. Beaumont don't got a doin' time disposition.
I need your name and address.
Ordell Robbie. O-R-D-E-L-L. R-O-B-B- I-E. 1436 Florence Boulevard. Compton 90222.
House or apartment?
House.
Across the street a Great Western. It goes in a trust account. You'll need to fill out an Application for Appearance Bond, an Indemnity Agreement, a Contingent Promissory Note. That's the one, if Beaumont skips and I go after him, you pay the expenses.
Hey, Max.
Yes.
Comfortable?
The door was opened, so I just came right in.
I can see that. Why?
I got some more business for ya.
Oh, yeah? What did he do?
She is an airline stewardess. Got caught coming back from Mexico with some blow. They set her bond this afternoon at ten thousand. Now, what I was thinkin', you could use the ten thousand you owe me from Beaumont and move it over on to the stewardess.
The bond for possession is only a thousand.
They fuckin' wit' her. They callin' it Possession with Intent. A black woman in her forties gets busted with less than two ounces on her, they call that shit Intent. Same shit happened to a movie star. It's Possession.