SAM ANNING: TALKS ON HIMSELF AND HIS SELF THOUGHTS
pathetic
stupid
over-hyped
ugly
just some of the names i have been called
heart breaker
i have been called this somewhat recently
and it has killed me
inside out.
i have had no sleep, no eats
and i can't think straight
cause i'm over-thinking every single little thing and it pains me
fucking hate how they make me seem brainless
or painless
restless
careless
people say i get attached too easily
even gone so far to warn people about me
as in "look out for sam, he gets attached really easily and might get attached to you"
this was recently as well
faking smiles
feels like being punched in the head everytime i have to fake it
today during lunch, i was with one of the few people that
can make me smile, like a real smile.
someone who makes me laugh so much that i have to look down to hide my smile
now it takes a real person to make me smile
so thank you
now i have been so caught up in my feelings lately
i thought i liked somebody
but now i question that
i really question
because i have emotion spikes
last weekend i did relay for life
i had a few, lets say moments with someone?
i'm not quite sure how she would put it
she didn't feel, i think "welcome" was the word
being honest, i didn't either
so we spoke, spoke and spoke some more
connected way more than i thought we ever would
even had a moment i'll probably remember
not that any of it matters but
then relay for life ended
and being real i'll probably never connect
to her again
point is, i mostly let go. which means i'm not attached
i mean i would have liked to stay close
but well, guess not?

emotion spikes have been digging into me lately
can't control myself anymore
it's pushing everyone away
and soon, i'll have no one
i'll be alone, like usual.
and i'm scared of it
being alone
i hide from the danger of it
and i hate talking about it
so next subject
i kind of hide how i feel
like completely
and the only place i talk about them
is on this PodTalk
because it's the only safe place
out of the 300 viewers i get
only 5 or so know me
it feels so safe
telling the world but not telling anyone
putting this out there right now
i don't have depression i am depressed
i am not heartless i am heartwreck
i am not in love i love someone
such a difference in such similar wording
and people probably think i have depression
but i hide it when they see me to face
and i love someone, no doubts
but i don't know who anymore
i'm lost in my own fucking world
and everyone out here tryna make me feel ten times worse
like what the fuck are they tryna bite at?
my soul? gone. my heart. half of it left!
and it just makes me so mad that i could be anyone else
but i have to be me
like why the fuck did i have to look like this
be this fucking size?!
be fucking me?
its not like anyone actually likes me
they all fakes
except a few
why did i have to be me.
why do i struggle with change
why do i want to say i love you
why am i not fucking enough
why
why
why me.
why do i have to wake up in the morning
thinking 'why didn't someone murder me in my sleep'
its not fucking fair!
no one knows why i walk up to them with purple rings around my eyes
they don't
they don't want to know
because they don't fucking care
i know i sound mad and truth be told
i am mad
why did i have to face being depressed
why me
but then it comes to my head, would i wish being me
on my worst enemy
no i wouldn't
it'd be too painful
and if i can't take it anymore
no one else will either
i'm out
thanks y'all
:)